when you've grown up having that form of communication modelled for you and at you over and over again, it's all you know. so the reason they criticize is because they've been programmed to... and on the emotional level it hurts them, but if they've learned as a subconscious protection to suppress that hurt, they don't consciously recognize it within them.

"I am defective" is one of the DA's major core wounds so it hurts extra when that wound gets touched. kzfaq.info/get/bejne/fuBoa7WEqarYo4U.html

My DA said: "criticism is a form of care". The interest to even correct you is the emotional care that they have been modeled. Since emotional nurturing when parents are focused on him might've been largely limited to those moments where they criticized him, he is both sensitive to it as well as naturally attuned to giving it.

@@dawngonzalez188 I disagree. They know how to communicate without criticism when they want to, which is until you step on their toe.

DAs sometimes sacrifice themselves by bringing up the criticism you feel deeply about yourself, this giving you the opportunity to relieve yourself of your anger by directing it toward the DA instead of yourself. They believe it's what you want and need. It hurts the DA very much to offer themselves up for attack in this way but they were trained as a child to provide this "service" for a parent who couldn't process their emotions any other way. It's sad that this action is never actually perceived as a "service" but as a personality flaw and a personal attack.

"Teach me boundaries, and I'll teach you emotions". That is beautiful, and it actually is a very integral part of my relationship to my DA.

I love this and agree completely! Sending love to DAs and all people here trying to heal and grown. ❤

I believe the feeling of hate or anger comes from a person loving a DA and then feeling rejected by them. So it's understandable that they feel hurt. At the same time you're absolutely right. Not taking the DAs actions personally, people are able to see that they, as Thais mentions, have been conditioned in a certain way.

Thanks for the reminder well said

I appreciate the support as I try to heal! The comments here skew on the vile side and touch the worst bits of myself, but I always try to rise above it and not let it affect my journey. My husband is taking the time and effort to support me, so I can’t let strangers drag me down for his sake, but it can be difficult sometimes. X

I doubt you were truly happy if your watching these videos. Its hard and frustrating.

Sorry to hear you're having a hard time. Hope things get better for you.

THANK U!!! Finally someone that gets it. As a DA that consumes large quantities of the videos, I always read to comments to see how much people that couldn't crack our code hate us. They fail to see that what they've mislabel as callus and cold is a symptom and byproduct of us being shattered at our most vulnerable stages in life. We learn to normalize and accept that we don't have advocates and we'll often be me misunderstood. So for someone to actually watch this content and receive the message, that an aspect of the relationship is presenting yourself as "a stable base for a DA to come home to", is nothing short of a miracle. I appreciate u for understanding.

And thank YOU!! That is very positive to hear. Sorry you have to read hate mail, lol. People are just upset about their unmet needs.

I can empathize with you. As someone who is extremely damaged myself “FA” I can relate. But the problem is, avoidants VERY rarely do any work. And to expect someone to have Infinite patience because of someone’s trauma, is in itself trauma. If you want a “safe place” to come home too, you can’t “set the house on fire” for your partner, and have to help with the maintenance.. And we can’t make excuses for avoidants, we all have to grow up and heal ourselves. And you banish yourself when you settle for “partial” love.

It’s a better reality. As an adult we don’t “need” others, we can take care of ourselves.

@@joygibbons5482 youll just have shorter telomeres

Taking criticism is a vital trait for growin up, becoming and acting like an adult. Mankind evolved from being pray to hunter by learning to work together, not living alone.

You deserve to honour who you are and show your true authentic self, whilst being very proud of where you have gotten yourself to.

Proud of you for being willing to put in the work.

@@HustleHabit thank you

@@paulduffy709 thank you

Are results worth the effort?

@Ggwe456ot This is what I would like to know as well.

All of Thais' work is how to hold each other accountable the DA, the FA, and the AP. It's the boundary work and learning our needs and communication tools to express those needs. It's all the self love and gaining emotional mastery work. It's knowing how to build relationship or knowing when to break it off. If someone isn't working on themselves to grow more secure, then it's less how to make them more accountable and more about what are your boundaries, needs, etc and when is it appropriate for you to either continue the relationship or not.

I think and feel the DA needs and respects someone, (anyone) being authentic enough to express the “why” of what they feel and what they hope to accomplish in doing so… And express that thought and feeling without anger or any expectation of the DA. It takes someone who is so confident in themselves to do so enough for the DA to want to even listen. People who are confident in themselves are a treasure to find. We all want that person… I feel the DA is extra in making you earn it and their trust. Bottom line… if people were trustworthy to begin with, DA’s wouldn’t have to work so hard to read between the lines. They have a hard enough time with the contradiction of understanding social norms… they just prefer people who are more clear and deliberate in their communication with them.

@@shannonteeples2792 I think this does go some way. But sadly not always all the way. I’m FA strongly leaning DA. I grew up with a DA parent and am myself a highly rational person, value my autonomy, independence and space so I kinda get many DA needs. However I still find the DA behaviors of stonewalling or withdrawing when it’s clearly unproductive or too long etc to be painful. Especially since it is now in the context of a relationship where I too can those things and if we both do that it will just cause either problems festering (not good, or ok with me for very long) or just the relationship will grow distant for me and eventually after I try and try but things dont change, one of those times, usuallly to the surprise of the DA I will completely disengage and be gone by the time they feel reregulated or met their own needs and ready to intermingle again. And once I’m done and moved on, I may not ever Re engage or if I do it will not be the same relationship. So I do try and work with them sometimes successfully and I have managed to have very good relationships with some DAs in my life but with others I still have had an issue there where it seems hard for them to understand these behaviors are hurtful. I know specific individuals in my life intelligent enough to learn from one or two examples or incidents yet about this kind of pattern they somehow repeatedly go back and do the hurtful things. That really is unfortunate sometimes.

My da girlfriend is the one that pushed the relarionship. Did the i love you then smothered me. I was in. Then third week of relationship found she was sending naked pics to another guy. Then 4 months in found out she lied about her entire past dating life. Shes just say such inconsistent and contradicting things. My gut was right about her all along.. now shes the one pushing me away 8 months in.. any feedback?

hey, I'd just like you to know, that you shouldn't beat yourself over what you could have/should have done. You can be an expert in expressing needs and use all the healthy scripts you want, an unhealed DA is not gonna receive it well anyway. The falling apart of a relationship is rarely just one person responsibility, give yourself some compassion.

@@pinkaa17 Thank you so much for your kind words. You're right. I might be crazy but I'm hoping if we ever reconnect in the future, I'd like to help her heal from her DA wounds. I definitely did see my Anxious tendencies kick in on overdrive though and I am very thankful for the breakup to give me a deep dive into myself.

I feel this too, it’s our need to fix to want to change the past all we have is now. I wish you the best with your situation

@@pinkaa17 I'm glad someone said it.

I'm sorry. Maybe you'll be able to make it work in the future? My DA ex and I just started seeing each other again. We're going on round 3. I'm a FA so I pretty much never say anything to rock the boat until about 4 months in and I have so much built up that I sound cutthroat and I think I do that because I push people away. I came across this video right as we started talking again and glad I did. Honestly, this may be too challenging for me to continue as he is aware if who he is and has no desire to change it. I'm just happy for this info though. I swore it was narcissism and I see him in a whole different light. Good luck to you. 💗

That just sounds like a non-reciprocal, if not crappy friendship to be honest, not sure that’s just about DA-ness. You deserve better friends!

Exactly!

On another of Thais's videos, a commenter said she had never felt physically unsafe with a DA, and she had experienced many acts of kindness and generosity from them. As a DA, I would give both kidneys to my wife if she needed them. (I might think for five minutes about the second one, lol.)

@@gregvanpaassen if we assume that this is true then it's not a trait exclusive to a DA. As you will find non DAs who are also perfectly willing to donate kidneys to their loved ones. Obviously each person decides what's right for them but I personally wold rather die of kidney failure but have a deep, emotionally intimate connection with whomever I choose to be physically intimate with as well than to live a long life of emotional and mental exile as a result of a DA's ineptitude as a partner.

Because he was the most wonderful 'partner' I ever had (until he deactivated, and then bolted 😢) and I've never ever in my entire life, felt as seen or cherished by ANYONE, as I did by him. He just couldn't stop panicking and constantly pushing me away and in the end I've had to walk away, to save my own heart and sanity. It's not fair to my little daughter to constantly see me sad. I think I'll miss him all my life though. I wish so badly that I'd discovered all this stuff about attachment styles while we were still talking 😢 The heartbreaking thing, is that I believe he pushed me away because he thought he wasn't good enough for me (ALOT of his comments alluded to this)......but the irony is, he was perfect 😭😭

right... in your own testimony you allude to the same sentiment that my question raises. That, ultimately, they aren't people worth having a relationship with. Or else you would still be together, obviously. @@whiggygirl

Trash

@@wulfclaw4921 100% monster behavior. Can't believe I spent time with something so soulless.

Thanks Kathy :)

Watching these videos makes it so clear to me that the amount of work it would take to move past all this would take a lifetime. It's honestly just easier to spend that time alone and spend my life doing other, more enjoyable things.

@@kate6pak I promise it doesn't! We have many members in the school who have done the healing work and reprogramming exercise and are feeling happy in their current or new relationships. It's worth at least trying to heal some of this because if we are carrying around negative major core wounds it's going to affect all areas of our life, not just relationships. We are offering a 7-day free trial at the moment if you want to see if the courses and webinars resonate with you :) university.personaldevelopmentschool.com/pages/7-day-free-trial

Ditto. Its horrible 😩

@@dannywholuv truly horrible.

Wow, your perfectly summed my last relationship with my DA partner. The dynamic and everything. Especially the part about it being exhausting. It’s just too much and I’m FA.

Agreed. 13/14 months into it and my exhaustion is real. I’ve hit my maximum.

@@QuellaTheCreative be done with it, it never gets better, its always just status quo and about their needs.

if you consistently are curious to listen and genuinely try to understand a DA without judgment and without pushing them to open up - they will develop a habit on thinking of you as a safe space. Even not self aware DAs will start to open up more in that case. I'm talking from my own experience.

I have a teensy bit of a different perspective here 🙋🏽‍♀️ If I May….. me & my partner are BOTH DA… we’ve BOTH had extremely horrific childhoods & basically had to raise ourselves…. There’s a deep rooted pin to all of this…This is so sad but funny to a degree…. Hearing this ALONE is exhausting! Me & my (More Than A Friend 😳) ARE BOTH DISMISSIVE AVOIDANT!!! So it’s a very very interesting dynamic… 1st I’m like in a relationship with MYSELF so That’s weird…. But we also get each other & comunícate in our own DA language on a deep level…. You can say… (The Fact that we call each other My More Than Friend pretty much tell you all you need to know about us 😅) I remember saying with GREAT difficulty & painfully …. “Ummmm….. you’re…. making me feel…. ….. how do I say this……. You’re making me feel feelings! & he’s like “you’re making me feel feelings too. You’re making me feel…. Ummm … er… erhm…. APPRECIATION for you” & I’m like “ummm er…. I feel a deep RESPECT for you” (We are also BOTH INFJ’s on the Myers Briggs so that adds a nice even layer of care & understanding) But we BOTH know what we are REALLY saying! We are both in therapy trying our hardest to work on this&we go out of our way to be kind to one another during this process. Neither one of us are harsh or critical by nature (accept with our own selves )

Apart from that means that you hated the rest of it. The accurate word is 'besides'

Hard when you love them

​@@seanw4893 Yes, we get sucked in because they act very secure and available at the start😒

Bitter? You may not realize that you're making it harder for DAs to heal. Any time they go online they see shit like this. I deal with all the difficulties. Its hard. It hurts. But hes such a beautiful person. I can't leave that scared little boy inside of him. I just want to be the person who finally shows him love

@@justsomeguy5417 You wont fix them. They have to heal themselves.

I hear you.

I don’t think that’s only dismissive avoidant

I understanding what youre saying. I normally texted him memes and texts caring and saying good morning normally etc, he very rarely responds or if he does responds after many hours with minimum efforts to carry the conversation forward or engage so ive stopped being as engaging and he asks why do i not send memes or funny texts anymore and i say well you dont seem interested enoigh to reply to them or act like you like them so why should i. I think what really drives me insane is the lack of reciprocal investment /effort expecially when we’re not together. All in all. Its a very tiring relationship.

As a recovering FA who expected people to read my mind and know my needs, I suggest instaed if just passively aggressively ‘stopping’, you could say: The reason I send funny memes is that it’s my way of showing love and I really need you to reciprocate. If you could respond when I send a meme, it would go a long way toward making me feel loved.” And then give him the time to act on that request. Sometimes we want people just to “guess” what our needs are, but they genuinely would be happy to give us what we need to feel loved, if they knew certain behaviors would be meaningful to us or “fill our cup”.

@@StorytellingHeadshots thanks for taking the time to comment, ive expressed my needs over and over, amd sometimes he makes the effort and other times he doesnt, so its this inconsistency driving me insane. Were in the anxious avoidant trap right now , we are the textbook example of that type of relationship.

OMG Johanna, I have a channel about being dismissive avoidant and I literally just recorded a video about this topic of DA vs. someone who's just not that into you and I'm uploading it this weekend. 😂 what a coincidence! I mean obviously Thais is the Queen of Attachment, I want to hear what she has to say about this too!

@@confessionsofanavoidant ah nice coincidence 😍 definetly going to watch it! 🙂

@@confessionsofanavoidantGood job making a channel to share your side of things. Instant subscribe. AP here and I want to say a lot more, but I know that can be tough to take in. Thank you for doing what you’re doing.

Walk away if your needs are not getting met despite stating them

I'm in a shut down because of the lack of emotional connection. I find it exhausting.

Me

I'm sorry this happened to you and to your relationship

They can have a good childhood, supportive parents and still have needs unmet. Its the dynamic and behavioral patterns, not whether they still like each other I think

@@gordonh2223 Thank you, this is a very helpful way of framing it!

It might be useful to ignore mentioning negative childhood experiences and just focus on the positive results if developing emotional intimacy. As a DA myself it's helpful to develop emotional language, our emotional access is difficult for us to get in touch with to begin with so learning language to help expression is useful. It's helpful to recognize that DA's learned to address their emotional pain through other avenues than connection with people. We were left to soothe rejection alone, without any language or emotional support to even recognize the internal experience. If you ask a DA if they're feeling something, chances are they won't recognize that they are, even if they are. Secondly, if they become conscious that they are feeling a particular way, they'll feel strongly inclined to cope with it through isolation. We do this because it's the only experience we've known, it's a life pattern. I've found it very helpful when another person approaches me with visible empathy and concern. When you notice your DA suffering an internal emotion, approach them with visible and verbal compassion. If they pull away, reassure them that if they recognize they're hurting in some way, they can come to you any time. Chances are the first responses will be physical reciprocation, such as a hug, or just wanting to be close. Mirror to them the emotional language that they can use to speak about what may be happening internally. Remember that it's incredibly unnatural for a DA to even recognize that talking about their emotions is not only OK, but a positive pursuit. Gentle physical touch while you probe the DA will go a LONG way. If the DA can't verbalize their feelings, showing your compassion through an extended and sincere hug is a good way to dip the DA's toes in the water of the possibility that there's another person that might genuinely be concerned about them. I can guarantee this: If you break through to the DA, it will be the first time in their life that they felt cared for, and they will fiercely love you, even though it may take some development before they can find the right way to reciprocate their affections in a way that works for you. Here's an example: You: "Hey! You look a little down, is everything ok?" DA: "Hey, no I'm ok." You: "Are you sure? It's OK to talk with me if you are, I really care about you, especially anything you might be handling inside." The DA will actually pause at this point because you're offering something they know they want but don't know how to get or communicate. Continue to be gentle, like you're approaching a kid whose been hurt. The DA may become suspicious, so sincerity is very important. It's possible nothing really is bothering them, so you might want to keep the routine up until the approach matches a real turmoil. Even if they don't say it, the DA will bond to you if you do this, a DA hasn't experienced much compassion, and people rarely recognize that they actually do hurt often they just never show it. You: *give them a big, long, sincere hug* and whisper in their ear, "I know that you've been strong your whole life and you haven't relied or needed other people, but I'm here for you. You haven't ever had someone who was here for you, and it's not your fault nobody wanted to listen to you while you were hurting. I know you're afraid that if you let someone care for you they'll hurt you again, I know how hard that is. I don't want to force you to be vulnerable with me, but I want you to know that if you're hurting ill be here for you, and you can tell me the things that hurt you, and I'll share your pain with you, because I love you." The DA would be shocked if you said this, because they've always hoped someone would. As a DA I know, because nobody's ever done this for me.

@@eminemstrash2021 you have helped me IMMENSELY in understanding my BF. I am an Anxious and this has truly opened my eyes to so much of what he’s dealing with mentally and emotionally. He’s told me how much he loves and cares for me and has even opened up to me about some of his struggles and problems at times. I need to be cognizant of how I approach him and handle his feelings and him sharing his feelings with me. Thank you SOOOOOO much for this post!

@@eminemstrash2021 I genuinely geared up reading this, as someone who leans towards being a DA. I’ve been in therapy the last two years but partly due to personal circumstances still isolate a lot. Your comment is how I’d like things to be with a partner if I’d ever choose to date again, which isn’t likely but it’s good to know better than what I’ve had is possible.

I've gone through this just leave them alone and work on you and most of the time like mine they come back but trust me after going through this enough you will get tired and start deactivating and you will loose attraction because you are tired so now I don't care if he stays or go I'm at peace now.

Do they explain their absence when they come back?

Great question.

As a recovering DA, yes😢

Anecdotally, emotions are hard, ugly, and weak. Pragmatism is a nifty placeholder. It feels kinda like you’re dealing without really having to. But it’s a difficult road, managing and FEELING emotions when you’ve spent a lifetime protecting yourself from that to keep safe.

@@claudiagilbert3288 Well said

I’m FA but I almost always only lean DA when I am disengaging or disrupted so hopefully my experience of this somewhat helps. I have learned that for me emotions are almost always difficult to access in the moment and sometimes they will be very delayed or super buried. I think I’ve had experience from life to just be able to plow through long periods of time through difficult experiences because I didn’t have the luxury of pausing and having any emotions I just had to literally just survive. There wasn’t any time to fall apart in any tiny way or I would’ve completely like died or lost my livelihood entirely. So I have learned to suppress most emotional processing in real time to a level that isn’t accessible to me even if I want to. If I’m not in survival mode this isn’t necessary but this is how my system is now set up regardless of whether I wanted to be like this or not. So emotions, hours days sometimes weeks later and then I need to process them and figure out what incidents or patterns they exactly corresponds to and react to them and make sure they don’t blend into each other. All of that can make me look even more distant or withdrawn and take more time. And because I’m not exactly DA, I can at times appear hot and cold but mostly cold since I don’t really lean anxious that much. As I’m learning more about myself and becoming more able to be secure I’ve learned these things and can modulate them sometimes but it’s not natural. It’s a byproduct of my experiences and how I had to postpone feelings in the past because I would’ve fallen apart. Perhaps this isn’t exactly the experience of a DA but it might feel like that to them or might have become a habit from their past of their brain. To me it doesn’t exactly feel like running on empty but it might feel like you have been once the emotions catch up with you and if they are intense maybe. Hope this provides a possible perspective to some of us at least

She using you for attention

@@dclarke2179 Explain! Seriously please what's going on?

That sounds more like blatant narcissism.

@@DesignerAdvocate They are you using you to fill their emotional tanks or feed their ego or both. They control the access you have to them while engaging with you when they want to.

Well this is an old message but when I do this sort of thing I’m simply regulating my own attention/time. I have ADD and I am a very strong DA leaning FA. Don’t tend to do the social media thing so I can’t talk about the blocking but I definitely turn off notifications and stuff when I feel emotionally charged and don’t wanna engage because I feel like that might make things more volatile or stressful and not just for myself but possibly for the other person or for the both of us. So I don’t necessarily agree with the above comments that the sort of things for attention or for narcissism. At least for me it’s always been for self or mutual regulation reasons not for some sort of games

Sending you hugs

What is monkey branching

@@myspirit.divinecenter2980 Lining up a new relationship before you end the one you're in, then immediately starting the new relationship while ending the current one.

Not verbalize ty

@@lilliankillian7366 as a DA i can confirm his actions are the clue, does he let you hold him?

@Ray Greenwood yes he does let me hold him . Is that a good sign.?. Ty

@@lilliankillian7366 yep :)

@Ray Greenwood ty Ray. That helps me alot. 😊

Yes

Ugh yes…

Yes. Now I understand that this makes them feel safer, it is easier for them to manage their emotions while texting, instead of talking to you face to face.

Majority of them don't 😢

Malice, vengeful, highly insecure. I'm a DA and I suppose some people could perceive me as narcissistic, but clinical narcissists are quite a different creature. In common nomenclature the word narcissist is often used to describe what may be better termed as egotism or megalomania. Clinical narcissists are willing to perform intentionally cruel and highly controlling acts because of the tiny, narcissistically wounded baby inside. DA's more often than not come off as highly rational and appear insensitive because we think so logically, detached, and objectively that we accidentally and incidentally hurt people we don't intend to. Our emotional bandwidth is low, but there's no ill intent. In fact, we're often surprised when we hurt others because we're trying to help with pragmatic, and often accurate truth that could help people grow if they weren't so emotional about the information. It's possible someone who's a DA could also be a narcissist, but the two aren't synonymous. I would encourage you to study the MBTI ESTJ and ENTJ, specifically our main function Extroverted Thinking (Te) to gain a better understanding about how we understand and operate in the world, as these are the two personality types most likely to be DA. As an ENTJ and DA person, my wife's sister had a legit narcissist in her life and he was a real asshole. I spent my energy protecting family members from him, both emotionally and physically, so I'm in a decent position to speak on the subject.

@@eminemstrash2021 I agree with your assessment. My father and ex-husband were narcissists. My current husband is a DA and I know the difference. In some ways, since it’s not possible to truly love a narcissist, it’s more painful to be with a DA because you love them so much and because, they are lovable and you know they love you. Because I appreciated your comment and the accuracy and effort you put into it, I bothered to reply and if you wouldn’t mind, I’d like to make the point in response to what you said about more sensitive people not taking things too personally if we weren’t so emotional about the information we are being offered by a DA We aren’t always truly looking for the information, we’re looking for an emotional bond and connectivity because that, above all else for us if not all humans, is the most helpful type of experience you can have. Emotional intelligence and security leads to all different types of intelligence, including problem-solving. So, at a deep level we arent looking for help or information, we are looking for a connection and that is a hugely misunderstood thing about us. We don’t need as much help as you think we do, we are just looking for opportunities for connection which is one of the most valuable human experiences. Thank you for your response and I thank you for the opportunity to reply.

DA is a type of attachment, while narcissism is a personality disorder. Narcissists usually lack empathy, while DA's don't, DA's just hide it because of fear of being hurt or not knowing how to deal with emotions.

Please explain it to us. We’re all waiting for one of you to

@@nakitanash Hi Nakita, For me what's very exhausting is people will usually lend you their ear at times just to be courteous. However, depending on their skills to truly hear what you think and feel, they can't seem to discern what you've just stated or said. It takes someone with some communication skills to asked you to at times to clarify you viewpoint. However, for the DA, this is rarely or not done at all. This situation just alienates or isolates ourselves from others. Its a perceived form of rejection and abandonment. That is why so many of us our alone time and choose not to be around others that much. We all need people in our lives. The question I ask myself, is how much will it end up costing me in regret and heartache.

it's self-inflicted and anybody who puts up with a DA is also self-inflicting damage to themselves

Well then why don’t they get help for it? Can’t whine that people don’t understand if you’re not working to help yourself. I tried to help my ex DA and he just didn’t want to deal with his wounds.

@@jlady1595 I agree with you on taking some action with issues that a Dismissive Avoidant is or had to process. However, the complexities of the attachment takes into account many variables. It can seem hopeless for many who have experienced trauma leaving them feeling insecure in many of their responsibilities. Help is available for the DA. Yet my experiences with mosts therapists, is they don't break down the sessions and deal with a portion until the client has made the necessary progress. That's why many DA's feel self defeated. The hardest thing for a DA to do is to love himself unconditionally. To know he has self-worth. Give validation to himself instead of seeking it from others. The child in him was never validated only shamed. That's why he has difficulty in many of his adult relationships. He deals with a fear of intimacy. He had no control over these circumstances as a child. Best therapies in my opinion are Interpersonal and Cognitive. Hopefully, these approaches will help with his being wounded very early in his life. God bless!