What the Dismissive Avoidant’s Inner World Looks Like with Relationships
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In this video, Thais Gibson examines the inner world of the dismissive avoidant attachment style (avoidant attachment style) and their approach to relationships. Watch now to find out what this inner world looks like as Thais provides some insight and useful tips.
To learn more, explore the transformative course, "The Dismissive Avoidant and Anxious Preoccupied Relationship", or the dismissive avoidant with other attachment styles, for powerful tools you can begin using immediately on your journey!
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00:00:00 - Intro
00:00:27 - The Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style
00:01:25 - Doesn't Factor Others' Needs Into Their Decision-Making Process
00:02:33 - Doesn't Prioritize Relationship
00:04:23 - Fear Commitment
00:05:32 - Feel Safe In Their Autonomy and Independence
00:06:26 - Sensitive To Feedback
00:07:13 - Don't Derive Much Comfort From Other People
00:08:54 - 7-Day Free Trial: DA with Other Attachment Styles
00:09:23 - Don't Have Many Expectations From Other People
00:11:05 - Safety In Logic
00:12:01 - Yearn For Harmony
00:12:23 - Conclusion
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@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool 7 ай бұрын
DAs does this capture what your inner world feels like in a relationship?
@oukastoukast 7 ай бұрын
I can relate to some of this. I took your test but it was almost 25% for each type
@laurenparnell2483 7 ай бұрын
Oh yes, I am on my way to earning secure but this all sounds familiar for where I started a decade ago. Thank you!
@ItsRaitisLV 6 ай бұрын
100% accurate!
@rebekahgrimes6533 6 ай бұрын
What about a strong DA who is also extremely co-dependent due to addiction and familiar cycles within all of their relationships (parental, friendships, romantic relationships, etc.)? Can you also further expand on “feelings minus fears?” I don’t quite understand what you mean by that. The only thing I could think of that might imply what you mean is when someone is in freeze mode of fight or flight where half of them feels so much and longs to express that (or further numb it), while the other half is numb and chases dopamine rushes.
@NaturallyThyself 6 ай бұрын
Yes 🙏🏻 as a strong dismissive secondary attachment
@PB-md3nt 5 ай бұрын
DA can criticize you, but don't ever dare tell them how their feelings impacted you.
@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool 7 ай бұрын
Kudos to all the DAs doing the work to heal their attachment style! ❤
@moderngoblin 7 ай бұрын
Is this really something we need to heal and change? I love the way I am but others want me to be a different person. Who is right and who is wrong in this scenario?
@galaxysamsung5439 7 ай бұрын
@@moderngoblin No one wants you to be a different person,the translation of their request is not ,,please change", but ,,please take accountability for your part where you hurt me,". If you watch interviews with serial killers,many of them are also genuenly content about the way they are,and how many people they stabbed.From their standpoint,nothing is wrong! Does it really mean that nothing is wrong?
@ashton1952 7 ай бұрын
@@moderngoblin depends on what you want for your life, are you truly fulfilled with what you have? It's up to you and you change according to what results you want... life is about adaptation. Being stuck is no joy
@AmericanDreamer 6 ай бұрын
@@galaxysamsung5439 exactly what you wrote❗🔥💯 They act as if you wanna change who they are etc when all out want is for them as adults they are, to take responsibility for their actions and words and be accountable! 💯 Somehow for DA's it seems to be the end of the world, they just cannot take accountability. I'm very curious what exactly causes this brain inclination in a small child to begin with, causing a grown adult being deeply set in these ways..
@SnoppHuve 7 ай бұрын
Tomorrow I will break up with a DA. I feel a deep sadness and a sort of loneliness in the fact that I seem to be alone with these strong feelings for her, and that hers have cooled off. And on top of that a certain anger (perhaps unfairly, but still feeling it) that she's cooled off even though it's something originating from her past that is affecting us. And the fact that I called it out, laying down my boundaries. This triggered her to have her feelings shy away. I know that it's not her fault, rather someone else's wrongdoing which hurt her, but it feels so unfair regardless. It feels so unfair to give my all, my whole heart and be the one who literally thinks about someone every minute of the day, to the point that I can't hold back tears in front of my colleague in the middle of my shift, when my colleague asked how Christmas with her and her family was. I spend so much time reading about attachment theory, what to do, say, write just to mend everything. And realize with even greater sadness that in the end it doesn't matter how much I struggle and how much information I consume. Because in the end it has to be WE, not ME, who reads, learns, forces our way through discomfort to be able to get through it together. True love for me means seeing glimpses of another person's soul, what this person has the potential and capacity to become. And to push each other to grow, become each other's best versions for themselves, for each other and one day for our children. So that they don't have to suffer through what we denied ourselves to improve, because it felt too uncomfortable or too difficult. Jag känner att jag nästan kommit till ett vägslut och känner mig hopplös. Vet inte vad jag ska säga längre, ta mig till, om jag ska skriva, inte skriva, vet inte vad jag ska göra längre för att få detta att funka. I feel like I've almost come to a dead end and feel hopeless. Don't know what to say anymore, what to do, if I should text her, not text her and give her space which in turn makes her shy away, don't know what to do anymore to make this work. It feels like all my decisions which are very much based in reality, love and respect, when I try to mark my boundaries, always end up coming out in the wrong. And in the end there is always a quick reply that "you shouldn't have to change each other", "that it shouldn't be complicated", that it should not be this or that. That it is somehow ME who is the problem, for asking for compromise. I want to grant her space, and ask her only to at those times recognize me, tell me she sees me and isn't devaluing my emotions. Instead of just shutting down and turning the cold cheek. But it seems I ask for too much. And each time it feels even more tiring, because each time I feel that the kind of deep genuine love I have to give is not welcome, or preferred. I have an emotional storm in my stomach - I am worried for her safety, I wish for her happiness and joy in life, I am sad, I feel alone and angry all at the same time. I feel a pressure in my chest, and a knot in my stomach which can only be recognized as anxiety. I love her deeply, but I love myself far more.
@user-cu7so2zs2b 6 ай бұрын
I completely agree with you. If the other person does not want to connect it does not matter what you do. I don't think that gets said enough. There's a lot of it's up to you to connect. It's true we must try and connect, but we can be masters of this stuff and it still not work. I was thinking the other day that a lot of secure attachment is being able to accept rejection without developing resentment or contempt. All we can do is try. It sounds like you have tried. And all we can do is nurture ourselves through the pain. It sounds like you do do that. I'm sorry it hasn't worked out this time. Big hug
@sf808opalaman 6 ай бұрын
As you continue to grow and educate, dont forget about working solidly on YOUR attachment style. It seems you are putting in the effort towards healing your childhood trauma, and thats fantastic... its actually a must. But know that your efforts towards a healthy relationship is for that special someone.... its just not this one. Shes making it clear that she does not have the capability to self reflect and lack DESIRE to heal (or even recognize) her childhood trauma. But your effort towards a fulfilling and healthy relationship is coming... As you learn more of DA attachment, youll recognize more of the red flags and will be able to make healthy decisions to move forward with future dating partners (like i did). But keep putting in the work for you. As for me, I have been able to recognize a lot of hurt DAs in this world. CHILDHOOD TRAUMA is no joke...
@jesusthewaytruthandlight7558 6 ай бұрын
Aghhh I feel for you and I’m in the same situation sux big time
@panaddasakorncharoen7215 6 ай бұрын
I feel you each words😢
@SnoppHuve 5 ай бұрын
@@Cre8Fire34 Feeling you mate. I left 3 times, each time she reached out to me. Not with clear intention or anything solid to say, and as you say many times self absorbed. A looooong letter saying a lot about her, her situation, her view on us, but nothing really concrete suggesting what actually needs to change or happen. In the end she left in martyr fashion "You deserve better than I am, I can't stand hurting you like this". Instead of taking ownership of the actual problems, she left because of the guilt her behavior was causing. Like children
@karencoleman6800 7 ай бұрын
1. Naturally doesn't factor others needs, lacked modeling 2. Less emphasis put on relationships, lack motivation 3. Fear commitment 4. Feel safe w/own independence 5. Sensitive to feedback/criticism 6. Thrive on creature comfort vs people 7. Don't have expectations from others safety
@worldadventuretravel Ай бұрын
"Doesn't factor others' needs into their decision-making." -- That alone is enough to leave.
@robertl4824 7 ай бұрын
Cold and critical people trigger my trauma and fear of rejection because my Dad was always so cold and critical
@djann531 7 ай бұрын
My DA worked 12 hours a day and delivered wood on the weekends as a side job. Needless to say there was no time for us. I ended it 3 weeks ago. Couldn’t deal with his evasive personality any longer.
@moderngoblin 7 ай бұрын
Good job. Us DAs are very unfit for relationships I’m not sure why people are so drawn and desperate for us.
@r_and_a 7 ай бұрын
seems best for both of you it ended, especially since you're leaving a negative comment about DAs on a video offering insight about them from the *"personal* development school" 🤨 particularly considering pds has *repeatedly* noted DAs "love languages" tend to be "acts of service" & "gifts" which some might consider the self sacrificing work schedule you shared to be examples of rather than just an "evasive personality" of course, i don't know the whole story & perhaps they really were trying to avoid how judgemental, unappreciative, lacking in understanding, self centered or just generally mismatched you were for them - all things your comment appears to indicate, imo 🤔 i *sincerely* hope you heal & develop enough compassion or at least self awareness to not do this sort of thing in the future - both the relationship & the comment
@linnie14 7 ай бұрын
@@r_and_a WHOA! WOW! Might need to check why you are leaving a 2 paragraph comment in response to 2 sentences written by someone u don't know.
@JessieTheGinger 7 ай бұрын
It sounds like he was a very hardworking man though I dont know the situation. As for me, my DA works hard to. He works 12 hour graveyard shifts so he tends to "lay down for a bit" and ends up sleeping most of the day. I tend to not take it personally or be upset about it because he needs his rest. He does make time for me though and makes sure I'm well taken care of. Plus he's always making sure I'm happy and laughing around him. When I'm not with him, he tend not to text me a lot because he's sleeping and doing important daily tasks. As a AP, it bothers me a little because I miss him but I know it has nothing to do with me and he's just busy. Not only is he working on himself but so am I. If both partners do not try to grow, then the relationship is doomed to fail. Think if it like a ship at sea. If both parties don't keep the relationSHIP afloat, then it will sink
@r_and_a 7 ай бұрын
@@linnie14 "whoa! wow! might need to check why *you"* are replying to someone *you* don't know who was responding to a comment from someone *else* 🤨 i'm *quite* clear for both the reason & length of my comment, tyvm 🙄 i believe the reason's explained within the comment itself & the length is because actually had relevant things to say not just a snarky remark like yours i'm also admittedly a bit verbose which there's nothing inherently "wrong" with & any who find my comment too long can skip it without them being "wrong" either 🤷
@LitBroBeats 7 ай бұрын
1. Nature of Dismissive Avoidant Attachment: The video begins by explaining that dismissive avoidant attachment is one of four major styles. Individuals with this style often experience childhood emotional neglect, leading them to value independence and hesitate to be vulnerable or open in relationships. 2. Key Characteristics and Inner World: • Decision-Making: Dismissive avoidants may not naturally consider others’ needs in their decisions. This stems from a childhood where emotional interdependence was lacking. • Relationship Motivation: They are less motivated by relationships compared to other attachment styles, often due to a lack of positive emotional associations from childhood. • Fear of Commitment: Dismissive avoidants might fear commitment because they lack conflict resolution skills and thus seek ‘perfect’ partners to avoid conflicts. • Value of Independence: They highly value independence and may project this onto others, sometimes misaligning with their partners’ needs. • Sensitivity to Criticism: They are particularly sensitive to criticism due to a deficit in receiving positive emotional feedback. • Comfort Sources: They find comfort in things they can control, like hobbies or possessions, rather than in people. • Expectations from Others: Generally, they have low expectations from others and may find it perplexing when others expect a lot from them. • Logic Over Emotion: They lean towards logic and practicality for a sense of safety and control, often at the expense of emotional development. • Desire for Harmony: While they yearn for harmonious connections, they fear being engulfed in relationships and strive for a balance of interdependence.
@joycejones5881 5 ай бұрын
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@trollhunter3944 7 ай бұрын
People often criticize those with dismissive-avoidant attachment because in these relationships, these partners can start out as open and communicative. Most people aren't aware of attachment styles, so they might not have understood this during the relationship. As time passes, confusion can arise as the dismissive-avoidant partner might seem uncaring or exhibit behaviors similar to those who lose interest or cheat. Without knowledge of attachment styles, understanding this can be tough. Hurtful comments might come from a need to understand what went wrong. There might be regret over ending things upon realizing their dismissive-avoidant partner didn't mean harm.
@r_and_a 7 ай бұрын
@@CandanceIsMyName DA is often *wrongly* conflated with narcissism as DAs are *actually* the *least* likely to be narcissists 💜
@randygonzalez5758 7 ай бұрын
OP: thanks for the bit about DAs exhibiting behaviors of those who lost interest or cheat. I’m a DA that had a relationship that recently ended. She would tell me she felt like I was losing interest or was cheating, and I could not understand it cause I wasn’t. I actually started thinking she was the one cheating and was just projecting it onto me, which freaked me out and resulted in me going full avoidant
@hurricaneaquatics 7 ай бұрын
@@CandanceIsMyNamethat'd because it is. Abusive childhood and DNA is what creates these personalities. Rarely does a healthy parent produce a narcissist/DA. What Thias is describing on this video is the "emotional" side of a narcissist. All they care about is material items and very sensitive to any perceived criticism, no empathy, etc.
@r_and_a 7 ай бұрын
@@hurricaneaquatics *actually* thais *herself* has said DAs are the *least* likely to be a narcissist & *lots* of videos from *many* attachment therapy educators, *including* thais, explain why your comment isn't accurate - *particularly* recommend "jimmy on relationships" 2min video "narcissism vs avoidant attachment" from 4 days ago
@ruthr8990 7 ай бұрын
What they meant or not is not important. It’s how their style affect others.
@canis556 7 ай бұрын
Do You got feeling like DA is a bit dissociate? Like there are with You but also not present. Working heavy hours, doing 1000 things just to keep them busy. But very often when they do nothing they just have like 'empty stare'. I became so anxious and depressed because of missing connection and quality time together.
@spikygreen 7 ай бұрын
Yes, this is very true.
@ashton1952 7 ай бұрын
There's a specific personality disorder that does this, see clusters B and C. Doesn't seem like the average DA who's just having difficulty explaining needs and having a hard time with being picked on.
@LG-ly7di 7 ай бұрын
Yes I agree 100 percent
@jg4624 7 ай бұрын
Yeah. They disengage and are disinterested most of the time.
@zandersorc 7 ай бұрын
Hello Thais. I'm not sure if you've covered this yet, but can you post a video that describes what the stages of improvement look like for the DA? I think it may help those who are considering leaving their DAs vs staying and it may also provide a sense of hope for the DA that isn't sure if they are making any progress or not. Thank you, and I hope you have a happy new year
@LeeChrissy 7 ай бұрын
Good call. I'm not sure if I've seen a video solely focused on this. From my personal experience, my ex DA and I would bump heads and separate during the power struggle stage. The things I would bring up that bothered me, he would say he is who he is and won't change, but every time we got back together, I noticed small things he worked on during our separation. He had to do it at his own pace and time-line. I got to watch him evolve over the past few years as have I. We decided to be friends in the end, but growth happens. For us it was say I was upset that I didn't feel like he was supportive if I was going through something and he went from saying "I guess I don't do that" to checking up on me if he picked up any cues something might be wrong. What I learned was to meet my own needs because it wasn't up to him to make me feel better. While I saw growth, he still couldn't go back into a commitment because he said he can't handle anything emotional. That's when I fully let him go. I think people try to stay in something far too long that isn't working.
@zandersorc 7 ай бұрын
@naldec1111 thanks for the reply. This resonates with my personal experience with a DA. There were small changes, but a bit of reluctance or annoyance paired with it so it felt forced at times. We both decided amicably that it was best to part ways to prevent resentment.
@LeeChrissy 7 ай бұрын
@@zandersorc I completely understand. That's why I think the separation is so important because they need to want to heal and not do it feeling like they have to. I don't want to be with someone who makes me feel like it's a chore for compromise.
@triplejmom7826 7 ай бұрын
I’d like to see a video about this on each attachment style. It’s a great idea!!
@LeeChrissy 7 ай бұрын
@@triplejmom7826 so would I. Good call.
@28zeamays 5 ай бұрын
I’m DA and now I understand myself better. I’m sorry for the failed relationships. Am I the only one? I feel the urge to explain to my ex but I won’t. Cheers to those trying to heal their inner self
@28zeamays 5 ай бұрын
@@CedarMountainsnow uhm it’s a long and complicated story and it doesn’t help that he is narcissistic. Besides, I asked if we can do counseling but narcisstic personalities don’t think they need help. My therapist doesn’t think I need to contact him back.
@AmyM-dt9zt 4 ай бұрын
I’m on the other side. An AP learning all these about my ex-DA. I’m debating if I should reach out to him. I wanted to send him the Attached book so he can learn and understand himself better. Been debating and still is. I’m not sure if he wants me to reach out to him after months already.
@iamhis4749 3 ай бұрын
I'm the ex of a DA and he has destroyed my life. Indescribable pain! If he had of just picked up the phone to say a simple a sorry, with an explanation, then i would of been able to heal. I understand this attachment style better now but the fact that you won't just offer that healing to someone, that you hurt, that is the very reason why i don't think that DA's should be allowed to have relationships with people. The damage caused is the worst pain on earth. I would rather die than ever go through that again! I'm having extensive counselling, suffering trauma from it. So, i ask you.. If a phone call to your ex could stop the unimaginable suffering then WHY WOULDN'T YOU MAKE THAT CALL!!!???
@28zeamays 3 ай бұрын
@@iamhis4749 no need we had apologized if that’s what you mean. But giving an explanation is not needed, this is advised by my therapist which I agree. I should focus more on my healing and understanding what are my attachment issues and how I want to resolve that for the future relationships.
@Darklydreamingringo 3 ай бұрын
I recently seem to have moved from FA to FA/DA in the past couple of years. I had a nervous breakdown a year ago and ended a good relationship because I was nitpicking and not having my needs met, I just had this desire to be alone as I couldn’t stand the clinginess anymore. I still feel guilt over hurting them and for being the cause of pain. Now I am seeing a new person and I’m terrified that I’m going to self sabotage this. I have been trying to communicate this to my new interest but the anxiety is gnawing away at my soul which makes me want to throw in the hat and give up for peace of mind but I know that it isn’t worth giving up on without really trying to heal myself and communicate better. You are not alone in your pain, I wouldn’t wish this anxiety and fearfulness on anybody
@stevensawyer5924 7 ай бұрын
As I listened to this from my FA perspective, still in a heavy heart after 9 months no contact with a DA. It's like trying to see/understand through a dense fog, what went wrong... The very beautiful traits of the DA that drew us together like a powerful magnet were the very things that tore us apart... I think... intellectually knowing all this, I still don't know how to handle/heal from this loss. It has destroyed my trust and my very psyche.💔💔💔 Therapy sure isn't helping.
@kellychristiansen7953 7 ай бұрын
Mine came back after 2 years...don't give up yet...just keep doing your thing!😉
@melissaesperanza2919 7 ай бұрын
@@kellychristiansen7953 did you get back together again if I may ask? ☺️ And did he work on himself in those two years??
@LeeChrissy 7 ай бұрын
I hear you. My heart is broken too. My ex DA and I decided to just be friends several months ago and now he's moving out of state. It's not the right time for either of us, but it doesn't hurt any less. 😢
@r_and_a 7 ай бұрын
also an FA who struggled how to handle/heal from the loss of a DA but like @@kellychristiansen7953 my DA came back after 18mo 💜 the 4yrs since have been challenging for a variety of reasons but discovering pds has helped *far* more than any of the traditional counselors i'd seen since we initially met i came across an analogy elsewhere that has also been rather helpful - consider a DA pulling back not as a reason to chase but an invitation to dance & also pull back, not to punish or manipulate but focus on meeting your own needs as well so when you come back together you're both coming more from a place of being full i see it as sort of the inverse of the "anxious - avoidant trap" & just as powerful if not quite as automatic - initially at least 😉 as a DA gets used to their need for space being respected & not punished it's easier for them to be more open & validating about it plus seeing you not be dependant on them can lessens fear of being engulfed so increase their willingness to connect for a DA's partner it reinforces your support system & taking care of yourself so it's not as distressing if a DA pulls away or things don't work out in the end which curiously also seems to increase the chances it actually might work out longer term - it's a win win that naturally encourages & reinforces working on becoming more secure for each within & outside of the relationship
@Sayaka25 7 ай бұрын
I broke up with my boyfriend who is dismissive avoidant a few times.
@faerierain7536 6 ай бұрын
I’m a DA and recovering from my destructive traits. I see a lot of people discussing everything that went wrong with a DA, and how hurtful they are, which makes sense. Personally I engaged in relationships with partners who seem most likely to cheat or critically busy people. It’s almost cathartic to be proven right when someone cheats on you. No guilt over badmouthing, reinforcement that my worldview holds at least some place in reality. Busy partners are nice because separation is common, convenient even. You’re complimented for not being clingy or almost unfailingly considered as “understanding” for once. It’s like a mimic of my childhood but this time I receive affection. There’s safety and comfort in familiar surroundings. The more self aware I’ve become the more I realize I’ve been chasing toxic relationships. I can’t seem to want a good thing. I’ve never found the key to a secure attachment, but so far my best solution is keeping sexual, platonic, or familial relationships and indulging my romantic urges in books. And guess what? Despite society demanding I must have a romantic partner, I’ve found my happy place. I don’t hurt anyone and no one hurts me.
@jsav9979 8 күн бұрын
Wow. Very eye opening point of view. Explains to us how you think and it makes sense coming from the your background. Totally understandable. Not that’s it’s healthy though but it sounds like u have done some self reflection and u are understanding yourself more. Congrats to you. Keep up the good work. Thank u for sharing.
@lauraschleifer4721 7 ай бұрын
The point about avoidants projecting their own need for independence onto their partners and assuming they want that too takes on extra relevance, I think, when the avoidant partner is female and in a relationship with a non-avoidant male, because we are CONSTANTLY fed the narrative that men want independence more than women do, and therefore, if she wants that much independence as a woman, then how much more must he want as a man??? 😮 This then can lead an avoidant woman to think that she has to go even MORE overboard in giving her male partner space than she would want herself, even though in actual fact he might not want that at all. This is why we need to stop trafficking in gender stereotypes and start talking about things in terms of attachment styles, regardless of gender.
@anoncspan4129 7 ай бұрын
As a AP male with long term DA partner, I wholeheartedly agree.
@tek3freak 7 ай бұрын
As a DA female, spot on! Also, we tend to attract Anxiously Attached men, so when they act clingy, it's confusing due to stereotypes - there is something wrong with an overly needy male...like he is less of a man...which is BS cuz in reality, we all need connectedness to survive as a species. It's hard to deprogram traditional gender roles and expectations though.
@ashton1952 7 ай бұрын
@@tek3freak as a DA female I can't feel attracted to men like this, I have always found emotionally unavailable ones. have spent years in fake relationships holding on faithfully to the hope.. until I figured it out that I was being emotionally unavailable and started doing the inner work. Best relationship I've had so far was DA male, most empathic partner too. He left and it was so painful but I know he was beating himself up about it too. He's about as hard on himself as I am on myself, so I can understand.
@tek3freak 7 ай бұрын
@@ashton1952 i can see how other DAs are very attractive, especially as they are usually self--sufficient and independent. I personally never have attracted DAs other than friendship, but probably because i have a bit of a maternal personality, which can annoy them. But as i've become aware of attachment styles and have been healing my attachment style and the maternal part (which comes from having to step up into a parent role during childhood), i can easily see if someone is insecure or secure in their attachment style, and when it comese to men, if they are insecure, it's immediate turn off. So, i don't find myself around insecure attached men as much any more. I hope your ex-DA gets help. It's lonely path for him. And i hope you can meet somebody secure, who will be patient with you as you heal your insecure attachment style
@jacopofbargellini4005 7 ай бұрын
totally agree
@Gr33dyGenius85 3 ай бұрын
It’s because most people think everything is about THeM, and take it personally. They often gloss over the word SUBCONSCIOUS, meaning it’s not intentionally done. In my case, I did start out very open and talkative with my ex, there were no expectations at that stage. But, from what I’ve learned, as time went on and we got more serious, I did kinda withdraw periodically, because emotional closeness is forming. She would notice and ask why, and all I could say was “honestly I don’t know, but please don’t think that it’s because of you, because it’s not.” It’s kinda hard not to feel that way as a woman, so I understand why things went the way they did.
@jamestillman3150 6 ай бұрын
You just described me better than I’ve ever heard it done. I wish I’d learned this long ago
@Luis913Barroeta 7 ай бұрын
My DA ex focused the last decade of her life growing her career, got to C-level position, and anytime I tried to meet her needs and compromise for her, she said it felt "unauthentic/like she was a burden". Then would flaw find that I wasn't financially at her level, thus she didn't feel fully "safe". Illustrating I wasn't the "perfect partner" for her to get the "YES" feeling she was searching for. AMAZING how it all makes sense now. Thank you Thais for the amazing work you do!! 💯
@Sayaka25 7 ай бұрын
I'm sorry you went through that. I'm losing hope.
@beckysuperswag 7 ай бұрын
or she just didn’t like you. not everything is a personality disorder. but whatever helps you sleep at night
@dannywholuv 4 ай бұрын
Might not be to do with attachment styles at all. Look into Hypergamy. Woman marry across and up.
@HealingHappyAli 7 ай бұрын
The learning to be vulnerable is such a huge key.in this. I loathe it but its changed and changing my life 🎉
@ashton1952 7 ай бұрын
This. I believe it's a starting point, next, trying to figure out needs
@TremelJackson 4 ай бұрын
As someone who's DA I can agree that it is hard to want to depend on someone, I haven't been dating for a while because of how much I don't want to depend on someone and the thought of doing so actually makes me sad because its hard to feel a sense of self when I get too close to someone and I've been used in the past so it tends to feel restrictive when it comes to dating
@sifublack192 7 ай бұрын
As a dismissive avoidant myself, I can attest to most of this (especially the zero expectations and logic piece). The only things I don't identify with is the idea of not taking other people's needs into consideration and the fear of commitment. Those are two things I can certainly handle, HOWEVER it must be THEM who asks/tells me because I'm not going to know otherwise. I'll also admit creature comforts such as learning about different topics (and having a few laughs) on KZfaq help me unwind as a full time business owner. 🤷🏿♂️
@GeoffreyAngapa 7 ай бұрын
Mind reading should be banned from relationships!
@sifublack192 7 ай бұрын
@@GeoffreyAngapa I agree
@Queenmother2508 5 ай бұрын
@@GeoffreyAngapaagreed
@AmyM-dt9zt 4 ай бұрын
Hi, SifuBlack! Glad I came across you here. I meant to ask you a question and kept forgetting. Do DAs want their ex to reach out to them months later after break up? His bday is coming up and I’m debating if I should send him a bday card that I came across and made me think of him. I also want to send him the Attached book to wish him better understandings of himself if he ever comes across someone whom he wants to try dating again.
@sifublack192 4 ай бұрын
@@AmyM-dt9zt hello! Hmmm... that would depend on whether or not you're talking with him already. When was the last time you were in contact? If you haven't been in contact it may not be the best idea, particularly with the book as he may not respond well to all of that out of the blue.
@TheHomeAloneProject 7 ай бұрын
I can't wait for the fearful avoidant inner world 🙏 as a healing FA with more avoidant tendencies, I can listen and consolidate my awareness of certain patterns and thus make the steps to reframe my relationship to it all xx
@angelabutron5054 7 ай бұрын
I relate to the fear of expectations...that is a hard one to let go of
@therealtulip 7 ай бұрын
Haven’t even watched 30 seconds of this video and already it’s an instant like. Exactly what I needed right now.
@belindadomingo 7 ай бұрын
I (healed FA now SA) separated from my DA and our relationship has been more positive since our split (we share a child so need to maintain contact). This video sheds light on why this new dynamic and my emotional independence from him helps my ex to feel more at ease now.
@NFH518 5 ай бұрын
Incredibly communicative explanations which are so much easier to present in a compassionate way
@faith6809 7 ай бұрын
A ship passing in the night 😂😂😂😂🥴 that cracked me up Omg as a DA. Very true for me though growing up
@TheSymbioteRagnoro 6 ай бұрын
Had my first therapy session last week. She said I had this. It feels refreshing seeing video like these. It always feels like a have to PRETNED around others because I don't get them AND I have to be around them.
@joansandeen9443 5 ай бұрын
Boy, did this help me so much as an anxious preoccupied att style with a guy who's a DA!! This really gave me peace!! You are amazing, Thais!! Thank you from thd bottom of my heart. Now I understand and am less anxious--for now anyway!!! ❤❤
@TheMentalHealthToolbox 7 ай бұрын
Such great content. Appreciate the great education and tips Thais 🙏 what a great explanation of contributing factors to the development of the dismissive avoidant attachment style from a place of understanding and compassion vs blame.
@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool 7 ай бұрын
Thank you! Glad you liked this one :)
@TheMentalHealthToolbox 7 ай бұрын
for sure @@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool for sure 🙌
@andreatorluemke4982 7 ай бұрын
Yes be workable where you can be workable. For everyone amen. Problems have solutions. It’s not your needs or my needs it’s both mine and yours. You are a part of me and my best interests and I am a part of yours 😊
@jacobgraf7284 7 ай бұрын
I'm an FA with a strong DA side, so I can relate to most of this.
@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool 7 ай бұрын
❤
@ashton1952 7 ай бұрын
@@jacopofbargellini4005 🤔 I don't think you've understand anything here at all. If you're here to be a troll be off with you we don't need that. If you're here for genuine reasons then don't be making comments like that.
@lilpaddedpaws5462 2 ай бұрын
The amount of harm I've unintentionally caused previous partners by not addressing my own damn emotions... 🥺
@johnroman4608 7 ай бұрын
Wish I wasn’t this way ☹️☹️
@karinadelacruz7147 7 ай бұрын
😢
@HealingHappyAli 7 ай бұрын
PDS has a DA course. It's worth it. If you just start with learnimg to recondition your core wounds such the "I am Broken," and then learn how to become more vulnerable, the hardest part for avoidants, you'll have a great start! DA's are awesome at self-educating.
@ashton1952 7 ай бұрын
Self-awareness is 50% of the battle won already, there are many of us on the journey and it gets better with every step accomplished
@roshalllambert 7 ай бұрын
Thais is always very accurate when describing inner world of DAs!
@user-iz3dx8dn9q 7 ай бұрын
Great video. Beautifully explained.
@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool 7 ай бұрын
thank you! ❤
@shellbell8062 7 ай бұрын
I wonder if having boats is a fairly common DA trait? Mine told me that part of the reason that his previous marriage fell apart was because he spent so much time on his boat.
@HealingHappyAli 7 ай бұрын
My DA-ex had a few hobbies that I was excluded from, it was a solitary endeavor that he didn’t even talk to me about the way others share the fun parts with others. He was silent and absent in his hobbies. I can imagine yours didn’t realize ot hear his ex's loneliness when he was hyper-focused.
@r_and_a 7 ай бұрын
it's quite common for DAs to have more solitary things they enjoy which is understandable when you consider what tends to recharge vs drain them & one of the many ways they're often misunderstood as people often experience it like a form of rejecting them vs the DA doing "self care" i'm not a DA but an autistic FA with CPTSD so even though i know *&* relate to this trait with my partner, i admittedly still struggle at times to maintain perspective (it's partly why we didn't work out the 1st time as well as why we're doing better this time) fortunately, being autistic i particularly relate to the passion of a "special interest" so when my partner does open up to me about their more solitary interests it's pretty easy for me to appreciate them sharing even if not terribly interested in the subject itself which reinforces their willingness to share
@jesusthewaytruthandlight7558 6 ай бұрын
Yes my da husband is obsessed with a farm I don’t even use
@user-ys2wv4sw6o 7 ай бұрын
I very much appreciate your insights. I fell in love with someone that I believe is a DA. We' were together for 3 years, and are no longer together. I miss her.
@sushmitasutradhar4880 6 ай бұрын
Nailed it 👏🏼
@Anshisangz 7 ай бұрын
Then what’s the point of being in a relationship? Why would people like this want to waste time with people who want to show up in a different way?
@katieandnick4113 7 ай бұрын
They experience a ton of internal conflict. When they are alone, they eventually become aware of their loneliness, but then when they get into a relationship, they start to feel afraid and smothered. They also are quite dissociated from reality, so they don’t form accurate memories. When they’re feeling lonely, they’re not going to think back and say “my relationship’s always go bad, so I’m not going to try.” Once a partner has been gone for a while, they may not remember the problems they had with them. They carry around this idealized woman in their head(I believe most true DAs are men, as it is more imperative to female survival to have a partner/group), and they believe the next woman they meet is gonna be her. Women are only objects in their mind until they become real, and then they become a threat.
@Anshisangz 7 ай бұрын
@@CandanceIsMyName so it’s all about what you can get. Not love. Got it.
@Anshisangz 7 ай бұрын
@@CandanceIsMyName Right, but if a DA can’t easily give that to others- affection, support, etc. then what are you speaking of? The video speaks of how DAs don’t put emphasis on relationships, feel safer being independent, and don’t expect anything from others, plus they don’t naturally factor others needs… tell me how that sounds like a good partner?
@ashton1952 7 ай бұрын
@@Anshisangz As a DA female I've always been supportive and affectionate with my partners. It's a bit easier maybe as a DA woman because men don't usually talk about emotions so it works well, I hear about other women ''talking about feelings'' and it looks foreign to me. If I'm angry I'll say so and usually it's world events etc. not my partner. I'd rather not spew my emotions all over him. Better to think them away myself, because probably I'm also in the wrong so I should assess that, or use holistic emotional cleansing techniques, because I think it's unfair that he has to feel bad because of my stuff. With DA male partners just gets a little lonely when they pull away from us but we understand them, they always come back if you trust and don't vice grip onto them, and besides I have my own friends, life and interests. As a person highly in tune I can also pick up on my DA partner's emotions without him having to say anything. I never want to judge him. The part that's difficult is trying to explain my needs (cause apparently we're supposed to have them, , even less able to explain that). I find DA and secure attached men are the best; FA's I have a serious problem with because of abuse in the past from people with this style. They have needs that we have no idea how to meet, we get held responsible for their pain they can't fix themselves, they verbalize absolutely everything and start yelling and I will shut down because I don't know what to do with that, answer back and it gets worse. Given every individual is different and maybe I just had the luck of picking the two FA men which were the samples with these character traits. Just my thoughts, everyone has their own story and DA are not all the same.
@r_and_a 7 ай бұрын
as the partner of a DA (as thais herself is) i'll happily tell you how they're good partners! they're of course still individuals just as *every* attachment style is, but *most* of my close relationships have been with DAs (i'm an FA) partly because the dynamic naturally encourages & reinforces working on becoming more secure i find DAs are often so used to others not only failing to understand them but judging them based on misunderstandings (like your comments are doing) that they're generally *very* responsive to efforts at *actually* trying to understand & respect them as well as reciprocate *far* more often than some styles if you look at the struggles of *any* attachment style you could *easily* come up with a list that'd make you question how that makes a good partner - APs can be suffocatingly clingy, codependent & the most likely to be covert narcissists, FAs have many issues of DAs *&* APs *plus* our own "extras" mixed in 🥴 even SAs can lack the sort of empathy, understanding & patience of insecurely attached styles who are working towards becoming secure! attachment theory & iat in particular aren't for tearing other styles down but better understanding ourselves & others to help heal our wounds as well as relate more effectively many complain DAs "can't easily give that to others - affection, support, etc" without considering how they fail to not only *see* the ways in which DAs *do* give those things but they *themselves* fail to *actually* offer those same things to DAs in the ways DAs want them - but instead of recognizing it as a *mutual* problem in understanding, they blame the DA DAs aren't for everyone *just as NO style is* but they're neither a monolith nor wrong for everyone, *just as NO style is* - what i *really* don't understand is why people would go to videos from the *"personal development school"* to trash others? if you're not actually here for "personal development" why not take your negativity elsewhere?
@paniq_fnite 7 ай бұрын
As an FA leaning DA studying attachment theory for the last 2 years, I would say, DA’s are emotionally crippled, as in a handicap. So if you really love them, maybe. But if not, they are emotionally crippled so how can anyone deal with it!? I am one but I get it - it’s awful trying to understand them.
@JohnViguerie 5 ай бұрын
Great video. My DA ex-gf ultimately could neither value getting nor provide emotional support, nor communicate relationally. She asked for the relationship only to walk away from it. Too bad.
@LastRebel1978 4 ай бұрын
You had me til logic and safety. Mine has no logic and the safety is derived by never leaving the bubble…….
@johnnycalderon9951 7 ай бұрын
My ex a DA reaches out 6 weeks after NC crying saying she misses me. Now 2 weeks later many phones telling me how much she misses me asking me how im going to court her again she tells me yesterday im a perfect man but she doesnt know if i can make her as happy as she wants to be. Even questioned her ever loving me which was crazy cuz she asked me to marry her multiply times. I told her please leave me alone and never contact me. Meanwhile shes just crying telling me shes not the person i think she is. I told her seek therapy and delete my number. Shes just to much too broken and im not willing to continue this emotional roller-coaster. I have never made it this easy for a partner. Btw in those 2 weeks she did 100% of the reaching out.
@ashton1952 7 ай бұрын
Sounds like my stepmother with my dad. Used to threaten to leave him (and actually did for some weeks) unless he gave her more attention, asked for more love, etc.. And my dad is one of those kind, quiet, gentle affectionate people who withdraws easily. She is difficult, I can imagine it has always been a roller-coaster for my dad. Never heard him complain except to say quietly ''she's difficult'' once. This is much more like FA behavior than anything else. I recognized some similarity to what you described here. Thais has great videos and materials explaining all these things
@johnnycalderon9951 7 ай бұрын
@ashton1952 yea she called me last night like my heart doesnt feel nothing im like yea we haven't seen each other maybe that's why but ok. I had to go off on her like listen I won't be here forever. Just don't call or text me. She's like just block me. Why?? Control yourself. If u keep reaching out is becuz u have way too many doubts but since u don't know how to pick up a book and read up a relationships ull never learn why you feeling what you feeling.
@jip230 7 ай бұрын
@@johnnycalderon9951 why do you keep picking up the phone?
@beckysuperswag 7 ай бұрын
good on you. they’re selfish as hell. had the same situation with someone who i bet claims that we barely had a relationship and yet he was the one talking about marrying me and getting me pregnant and that he never felt this way blah blah. when i never wanted anything that intense to begin with. and now he tries to make believe it was just a fling or something. it’s truly psychotic
@johnnycalderon9951 7 ай бұрын
@jip230 cuz I'm idiot who unfortunately fell in love with her
@svetikchum6988 7 ай бұрын
Great video
@sistergoldenhair1809 25 күн бұрын
I subconsciously go for emotionally unavailable men bc I know they'll never ask more from me than I can provide, which at this point, is nothing. And when it ends, I can say...see, I knew it wouldn't work so why even try? Ultimately letting myself off the hook so I have an excuse to be alone, which is all I want rn.
@bandida99 5 ай бұрын
treasure box
@Pheonix1111 7 ай бұрын
I am DA. This is very accurate. This is why I think I am incapable of healing and having normal relationships. I already know I will die alone after having been alone my entire life. Some parents should never have been parents. I never should have been born.
@luminouscali 7 ай бұрын
It is fixable with therapy and journaling. It isn’t fair to deprive yourself of connection because someone else’s bad parenting.
@Pheonix1111 7 ай бұрын
@@luminouscali What type of therapy can heal DA?
@katieandnick4113 7 ай бұрын
You sound more like an FA. Unhealed DAs idealize their parents, and especially their mothers, which is why they often test as secure.
@spikygreen 7 ай бұрын
Thais actually mentions that "I am incapable (of healing, of healthy relationships, etc)" is a common limiting belief among DAs. It is not an absolute truth, it is just a belief, an assumption, and so it can be reprogrammed over time. You can watch Thais' videos on this channel or try her Personal Development School courses.
@amarachistreams2983 7 ай бұрын
@pheonix1111 just do opposite of what your head says. Avoid being alone, it’s a trap. Challenge yourself and you’ll be surprised how well you’ll turn out
@kellikakes81 7 ай бұрын
Nobody talks about when a DA doesn't leave (move out) when he says he wants to and i say OK... I think he always thinks i am just saying things out of emotion and dont mean it. I mean it every time!! I also think he must not have anywhere else to go. But if you're DA, wouldnt you find any type of way to leave??? This time i am including others and my landlord because CLEARLY he does not respect my words. I dont want any ill will and we can stay friends just not live in the same household. He needs to be demoted to visitor. How do you get DAs to leave?? (Without being clingy cuz i can't fake that)
@oaktree2254 7 ай бұрын
Can you do some videos on autism and attachment styles please?
@r_and_a 7 ай бұрын
*if* she does, i hope she consults with people who focus more on neurodivergence, *especially* to recognize that *alexithymia* is *not* actually *part* of autism & *only* comorbid *up to* 50% of the time (with also higher rates among those who have adhd, are narcissistic, aspd & other diagnoses that often get conflated with it) as find that is often what people are curious about the overlap of nothing about us without us 🌈♾️
@icehawk86 7 ай бұрын
I deeply wish I found all this content sooner. I was engaged and it all fell apart. It was after that I found this channel and took the test. I am anxious and with everything I have learned about DA, I believe that was her attachment. I really feel we could have worked through it if I had known. I would have been more sensative when she took so many more hours at work and pulled back in our LDR. I feel like I understand why she was doing that now. I had felt that it was about me and the relationship, that perhaps her silence was her falling out of love. Now I see the core wounds and almost all of the characteristics, I can pinpoint somewhere in our relationship.
@gorantomas 7 ай бұрын
This is typically what happens when people with anxious attachment tendencies, learn about dismissive avoidant tendencies - they think that it could have worked, had they known the attachment theory sooner... Sure, it would have been different. And, most likely, it wouldn't have worked. It takes both partners to be aware of their programming, wounds and coping behaviours, to make it work. Just you doing the work, probably wouldn't be enough (or you'd leave the relationship anyway). The anxious partners often have this guilt when learning about the attachment (realizing what they could have done differently). The dismissive partners rarely do. That's interesting to note. Also, the guilt and the idea - if I worked better it would have worked - falls right on the anxious wound of 1) needing to earn (or work for) love, 2) believing empathy is the key (when in fact more boundaries are needed) and 2) the subconscious strategy to keep themselves safe in the relationship by having some sort of control (ie. knowing how someone operates and what they need). But that's not the key to a successful relationship... The key is a partner who understands themselves, what they need and them vulnerably expressing what they need and why. You can't drag the unaware person into a healthy relationship.
@nicolasvankalck802 7 ай бұрын
Thank you
@hhotdonnaa 7 ай бұрын
Thais, stop living in my head and always KNOWING what I’m needing guidance on
@r_and_a 7 ай бұрын
to be fair, many pay her for such guidance 😉 get ya how uncanny it feels at times
@JHW44 7 ай бұрын
My ex loved his dog more than me, literally though. Lol
@DFG1111 7 ай бұрын
Dogs love unconditionally. No. Matter. What. Humans...not so much. We love someone if our needs and expectations for a relationship are fulfilled.
@JHW44 7 ай бұрын
@@DFG1111 nah my love is unconditional. He boot kicked me like when you punish a dog, I was the dog, his dog was his partner. I stayed through 8 years of that crap until I had no choice other than to go. Hate hearing woman’s love is conditional. Lol 😂
@cornwallismorgan874 7 ай бұрын
@@DFG1111 No they don't. The condition is food.
@mdmcpherson8574 7 ай бұрын
People think dogs give unconditional love but that’s a human trait, dogs are conditioned by food. Sorry, it’s not the same love but I do know that DAs prefer “love” from pets because it’s easy.
@gwenethmoir 2 ай бұрын
Hi Thais, thank you for all of your great work! I am a securely attached person who grew up with parents who placed independence above all else - we were globally mobile and the ‘closest loves’ were always far away. As a result I relate more to an empathetic avoidant attachment style in love relationships, despite having very secure primary family and friendships. Do you have any videos on this topic? Thank you in advance.
@williamjlusk7940 24 күн бұрын
I'm feeling like it's just best to avoid these people! Never been so frustrated in a relationship than with my DA - it'll drive you insane, just not worth it!
@Veritasvigil 6 ай бұрын
I recently came the realization that I am a DA and I can to relate to much of what was said here. However I disagree about the part about no being concerned with other needs. Sometimes I can pre occupied with my partners needs without ever thinking about what I might need from them. I believe part of this is my conditioning as a male. I assuming that self sacrifice is what is expected of me and that I should always be the rock in the relationship. However I do find that I am not very good at anticipating the specific need of my partner at a particular moment. Because of this I have learned to be very direct and periodically will just asks my partner if there is anything I can do better for them or if there is anything they need from me. Unfortunately this tends to bewilder a lot of people and they reflexively say “no”. This makes it all the more devastating when they do breakup with you and cite unmet needs.
@penniroyal4398 7 ай бұрын
My DA was always doing stuff for me and always buying me all sorts of gifts 🎁 I never asked him for anything 😮 and I couldn’t afford to buy him much but I did have a nice house and furniture which he enjoyed because he just rented a master bedroom room in a house which was spacious and just a few miles from the beach and ocean.
@NormanInAustralia 7 ай бұрын
Thanks!
@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool 7 ай бұрын
thank you!!
@NormanInAustralia 7 ай бұрын
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Your videos are kind, intelligent and very helpful. Thank you.
@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool 7 ай бұрын
Glad you think so! ❤@@NormanInAustralia
@joannemcclelland5271 Ай бұрын
My DA pushing me away has forced me to recalibrate my entire relationship with him in my head in order to make the relationship work. It’s too complicated to leave right now but I once thought I would marry him now I realize he’s a boyfriend and not a life partner.
@andrewmccrocklin4463 7 ай бұрын
You probably have the most happy husband in the whole world.
@twixie__5651 6 ай бұрын
can you make a video about how to talk to avoidant partner if he is upsetting you sometimes? avoidants dont like being confronted or called out. maybe you can make a video on how to properly communicate with an avoidant partner and how do we know if an avoidant is really telling the truth that they need space or alone time when they dont feel well?what if he is cheating and just making excuse and using his attachment style thanks
@alangittner9666 5 ай бұрын
If you are in a dismissive avoidant relationship---------run, run as fast as you can for the door.
@sarahfox3913 3 ай бұрын
If you cannot regulate your own attachment and help them communicate, then yes, you should leave and do some inner work.
@alangittner9666 3 ай бұрын
@@sarahfox3913 i am securely attached. i dont have the time at 75 years old to retrain someone who was emotionally injured.
@sarahfox3913 3 ай бұрын
Your comment was telling others to run from those relationships, not about you not having time for them. Your comment to others tells me you don't actually know how to be in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant attachment style. If that's the case, then yes, you should run. However, that is not the best advice for everyone.
@alangittner9666 3 ай бұрын
@@sarahfox3913 Hi again Sarah---I was in a relationship for 2 years with a DA. I suggested some counselling, but they refused until after the relationship broke up. I was very very supportive, but the constant pushing away was beginning to cause health problems for me. According to Thais's description of signs, symptoms and prehistory of DAs my partner checked off everyone. So far after 3 months of counselling, her counsellor hasn't even touched on any of these issues.
@RGS578 Ай бұрын
I know that I have an insecure attachment. I am trying to figure out exactly which one is most like how I express myself. Most signs point to DA. But one trait that is really out of whack, is the "conflict aversion" aspect of being dismissive-avoidant. I certainly try my best to avoid conflict, but from what I can tell, when someone that is dismissive-avoidant gets into conflict, they tend to choose "flight", rather than "fight". But I am the exact opposite. I will avoid conflict as much as possible, but when confronted, I fight, and I fight hard. I tend to completely obliterate people in these fights. It's not a nice, "Oh, we're in conflict, and we're engaging in some sort of nice back-and-forth dialogue." It's more like, "The stakes have been turned up to 11. If I lose this argument, I am going to die. I will pound this person so far into the earth, that even if they wanted to get up from the conflict, they cannot, as I buried them so deep into the earth that they cannot get out." It's mostly like, "Avoid, avoid, avoid. Change subject, dismiss my own feelings, continue to avoid... Oh, we're doing this? Okay, game time. You've chosen death. Sorry. This is your choice. Nothing personal, but you're about to hit an unmovable train." But other than that, all signs point to DA.
@ShimmerSoulSong 7 ай бұрын
Even though I was exasperated trying and trying, I will always love the DA I shared intimate bond with because she is a treasure. I wish she hadn't given up(likely felt defeated or helpless) . I have alot of compassion and empathy that she didn't have Modeling! I had blamed growing up Only Child and on computer gaming as the Culprit for all she seemed clueless about! So because she still did lots of gaming aka co-writing, I thought WHY reinforce what has been detrimental to IRL connection? Now I understand that it's due to attachment style. But she's also got traits not common to DA. Super physically affectionate and talking Alot and tons of humor.
@85Pesticat 7 ай бұрын
Maybe she's FA? But healing whatever you haven't healed inside of you will stop you over-empathising with her. I remember and recognise that feeling of caring for a DA... but now I'm healing, I feel soft and gentle in myself and not like reaching out too far to empathize with a DA (even though there's still one I find physically attractive in my daily/unavoidable life). You deserve someone who can be there, once you're truly there for yourself.
@mk9199 6 ай бұрын
Attachment is NOT personality ppl often mistake the two. You can be highly extraverted and still have trouble with emotional expression in relationships.
@mk9199 6 ай бұрын
@@85Pesticatno, not fa they get paranoid and clinging as part of the cycle. He's describing personality traits (chatty outgoing) and confusing with the attachment which is NOT a personality trait. Have a look at trait theory (big 5 is the current one) and compare with attachment if your confused.
@user-cu7so2zs2b 6 ай бұрын
Thanks for sharing this. It is helpful, but could you also tell us what to say. For example, what would a fearful avoidant who is trying to recover say to a dismissive avoidant to help them compromise or become more interdependent, or how can a fearful avoidant who is trying to recover spot a dismissive avoidant who is trying to recover. I can accept that someone is dismissive avoidant but not aware and not trying to recover - do I just leave this person, or am I supposed to be trying to connect?
@reneekaitaiyanna467 6 ай бұрын
Breaks my heart I feel FUBAR At least I now know... I thought I was just CPTSD
@JacobCarlson-uq1my 7 ай бұрын
It seems like you dive deep into the earthbeings mind & heart regarding relationship. I find that fascinating and am greatfull. 🙏🏽🌌💜
@0Demiyah0 7 ай бұрын
I have a question; if DA are starting to heal, can their recovery take them through FA to land at SA? My reasoning to ask is that my DA significant other can come across so much more preoccupied since I have healed to SA.
@katieandnick4113 7 ай бұрын
Absolutely. My husband seemed to go through a pretty fearful/anxious period when I went from being anxious to more secure. It was after 14 years together though. I think of DA being the most “broken” attachment style, followed by FA, then AP. So it makes sense that during the process of healing, a DA could go through phases of being FA and AP before becoming secure. Hope that makes sense!
@aigo000t 7 ай бұрын
@@katieandnick4113attachment styles aren't continuum where DA lies at the end of a spectrum and APs at the beginning. They are separate and a response to a totally different conditioning.
@r_and_a 7 ай бұрын
@@aigo000t as an actual FA who can swing from more DA to more AP *completely* agree! even though attachment styles are *not* "fixed" & can change, they are absolutely *not* a spectrum! it's insulting, invalidating & frankly a bit condescending imo to make a hierarchy of which style is the most "broken" - ffs, DAs have the highest course completion rate at pds! APs often *think* they're the "least broken" & "most correct" yet are the *most* likely to be pathological narcissists (DAs are the *least)* which is *defined* by how persistent, pervasive & unchanging it is! whereas FAs are the most likely to have cptsd which can be literally be seen in brain scans so seems reasonable to consider that pretty "broken" ffs (& as someone who has struggled with it since childhood sure has heck can feel i'm more "broken" than the DAs who most of my close relationships have been with)
@0Demiyah0 7 ай бұрын
@@r_and_a I agree it is pretty non-sensical to establish a hierarchy between the attachment styles. By framing it as "most correct" or "most damaged", there can be a tendency to underestimate or overestimate the work that has to be done to correct towards a secure level of regulation. I think that avoidants have a natural inclination towards individual responsibility and intellectual curiosity. If they posed the right questions to trigger interest in self-development, avoidants have very good prospects towards reprogramming and recovery. I think there is a lot of liberty that can be achieved in this process that would motivate avoidants if they are attracted to the work. Self-actualization is about taking self-control, and removing the inner-obstacles creates inner-freedom. Perhaps also why DA complete the most courses in PDS (speculation). I think that people who neigh towards externalizing all their issues while playing the victim card disempower themselves from self-actualization. They give the power away to others (who do not actually have it) and may be stuck unable to proceed in their recovery for a very long time. I think as a sign of someone's healing potential, a proclivity towards victimhood is a key trait that diminishes their chances. (Commentators in PDS for example that blame and externalize their issues onto others - it's not a sign of a person who takes ownership of their part, and without ownership, there is no recovery). Victimhood mentality is furthermore not one-on-one the same as depth of trauma. There are people who have been victim of objectively very severe traumas (such as childhood sexual abuse) and have issues lik C-PTSD, while they do not have a victimhood mindset.
@0Demiyah0 7 ай бұрын
@@katieandnick4113 thanks for the comment! It is beautiful that you are both healing. I was reasoning more along the lines that since I have been secure the past 1,5 years, I have not been driving his DA coping mechanisms to remain online. This has made it more recogniseable for him to discern when he is dysregulated "for an imagined/no reason". I think that his actions to course correct to be more vulnerable, allow himself to trust being supported, leaning into feelings etc. can draw a more "anxious" response, because a growing interdependency might feel very unnatural. To me outwardly it looks like FA, but maybe it's just "growing pains" that are not innately motivated by FA-core wounds. It seems that way to me because I feel like I recognize that a growing desire and willingness to depend on someone intimately can also spark distrust and fear of being betrayed. I actually don't think that DA are at the end of a continuum. If anything, as a stable coping strategy (as opposed to disorganization for example), with a natural desire for self-control and individual responsibility, I think that for DA once their interest in self-development is sparked, they have very good odds at rapid recovery that might exceed other attachment styles. To be honest, I think DA's are often gaslighted and pushed into that box of being the most damaged.
@MIMIDSH 5 ай бұрын
Does is always originate in childhood? Does the childhood have to be "bad"? Could these behaviors come from bad adult relationships?
@nuez23747 4 ай бұрын
Not prioritizing relationships, what shall I expect all my exes were abusive, sex addicts or narcissists. I am fearful avoidant and dismissive avoidant. I wonder if that's that I did 10 years inner work but can't crack the vicious cycles I repeatedly attract narcissistic work places, dates, even cleaning women. I progressed and I open up emotionally much more and communicate better but I'm like stuck. I think avoidants attract each other and unfortunately many narcissists are avoidant too, not only. Now I'm further working on self -awareness and education and same time connect to my feelings so that I easily recognize them or emotionally unavailable people in general. Only way out is to stay attuned to your feelings and intuition
@vladpierre2694 4 ай бұрын
O god #1 is so true
@cory8760 5 ай бұрын
As a DA who hasn't been in a relationship in over a decade the fact that 'human relationships feel out of reach' hits pretty hard. I feel like sending this to anyone who's ever tried or is trying to get close to me.
@patriciapeeters7 5 ай бұрын
🙏
@luvqraft6024 4 ай бұрын
I would never date someone like me.
@bluescrubby 7 ай бұрын
My ex to a t. It was so tiring.
@annaynely 7 ай бұрын
Safety always first😊😂😂😂
@gregvanpaassen 5 ай бұрын
"Don't derive comfort from people" is dead right. So is "it never occurs to them to ask for support from others" and "don't know how to deal with conflict in a relationship". As a DA I have a cat's view of humans: they are large unpredictable primates, best to stand off.
@iamhis4749 3 ай бұрын
My ex is an avoidant, plus he has ADHD! What a disaster!
@arroscinpollo 7 ай бұрын
Good (barely) morning.
@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool 7 ай бұрын
Good morning! ❤
@mariepetterson7281 7 ай бұрын
Oh how I wish it wasn't so hard to write out the entire words instead of using initials.
@penniroyal4398 7 ай бұрын
My DA went back to his Narcissistic (that’s what he called her) “friend/ employer boss lady) after spending 2 years with me immediately after he broke up- with his boss/ narcissist lady she was in a romantic relationship with. He still worked for her while we dated/lived together. After 2 years he secretly moved to another state with her and I was totally blindsided me 😮! He swears up and down they were never sexually intimate after they broke up the first time including now even though she bought them a house (she posted all their adventures on FaceBook and them and vacationing with her parents. But he swears he is not sexually involved and got irate with me not believing him. When they broke up the first time he let her live in his condo and he rented a room from a couple which is where we stayed in the house with the other couple. If I didn’t hear it from him myself I wouldn’t believe anyone could spin a yarn like this 😢 he officially broke up with me after he rejoined her in their new home in another state and says he didn’t live in her house or have sex either with her but vacations with her regularly which she posts all the time. What do you think?
@ashton1952 7 ай бұрын
That's not easy 😔 DA/empath and narc, something unhealed in both and one tries to save the other. The only thing I think you can do now is work on self healing, until he comes around, if and when we can't control either. Hope things get better for you
@penniroyal4398 7 ай бұрын
Thank you Ashton for your kind words. I feel the best thing for me is to accept that though he and I were together for 2 years I was still the “other” woman. He broke my heart and was incredibly sneaky behind my back. It’s taken me a long time to get to where I can acknowledge that despite what he told about his “real” relationship with me his actions speak louder than words. He had always stayed an employee of his ex lover. He said he was “self employed “ but Thea t was a lie. I found her posts of them together on KZfaq Tube while he was with me for the 2 years. I can only say while he broke my heart at least it was only 2 years. Better to learn who this man really was than to spend a decade with him before finding out I was the “other woman”. Has his “partner” not posted “copious” amounts of KZfaq content of them together I would not have known he was living a dual life with 2 different women. I have no idea who he juggled to two of us for years. That takes a lot of energy and planning to keep it together for that long 😂
@penniroyal4398 7 ай бұрын
@@ashton1952Why would I want him back? I was the fling between his REAL important lover because he was her employee for 7 years and still works for her full time. I kid you not! They are KZfaq stars together literally! I was and still am nobody. I just live a normal life. I resided a family and had a small bu. I was never the “Queen of Facebook” as she calls herself 😂 it takes a lot to be at the level of superstardom. She is famous and I rasised a family. She’s devoted to herself and I am devoted to my family. She’s single no kids I way married 40 years and still she all 5 of my girls 2 daughters and 3 granddaughters weekly. We are worlds apart! I love my life and my family ❤ that’s whom I am devoted to. Not how many followers I have on KZfaq 😂
@vonniemichelle3670 6 ай бұрын
The points an avoidant needs are the same things everyone else needs, no?
@c46236 6 ай бұрын
It may be true to a certain extend that a DA is self-suficient about emotional needs, not about the material needs. A DA is once again the opposite of the AA and will meet this materials needs(and is nothing modest) through the others. If you are in a relation with a DA, expect to be exploited. Further a relation with a DA may resume to this, someone to play a role for him, and give him a sense of entitlement and serve him.
@analiablanco 7 ай бұрын
If 2 ppl have different appreciation of how they receive love it's a dead end.
@GeoffreyAngapa 7 ай бұрын
Usually, it is different, and that's where the trouble comes from: even when both think they're putting in 100%, each thinks the other isn't. Communication of needs and of how one would like to receive love can do much.
@analiablanco 7 ай бұрын
@@GeoffreyAngapa exactly. I don't think it's possible to undo the trauma that caused the learned preference for a certain love language cos it's subconscious unless u go into hypnosis or some v deep therapy. The most u van wish for is that u can convince the person to like more ways to show love but u cannot change how they experience it.
@GeoffreyAngapa 7 ай бұрын
@@analiablanco Yes, it seems people are quite set in the ways they like love. So, a conversation could go along the lines of X likes affection and Y likes acts of service, and compromise where both get what they want, meeting somewhere in the middle. The key is mutual, enthusiastic agreement. Once it starts to feel like a sacrifice, there's trouble, because that causes resentment.
@crumplycowboy Ай бұрын
Honestly, the way she describes the DA they seem kind of like the hero of the world. Take care of themselves get stuff done. Don’t bother other people Don’t a burden on others with their problems. If I understand correctly, this is just simply their response to how they were treated, and it seems a perfectly reasonable adaptation for survival.
@AmandaB222 7 ай бұрын
Do you think when a DA ghosts you. And is on social media though. As that is hurtful :/. Could that be another form of avoiding their emotions? (Or regulating) Instead of drinking etc. I was curious. As I have seen this with a DA male I’ve known the past 6 years. I am an anxious person. But I think I’ve become more anxious. I do love him and have done my best to work on myself, as I am a human also and make mistakes. And I always want to fix, and he runs. And then ignores me for periods of time. Then I just do my best to let him go. But it is painful. 😢
@Alexandermhinton 5 ай бұрын
The idea that the secure or anxious person in the relationship can ‘solve’ this issue with training or coaching is a fallacy
@michaeljohnson-ym8zp 7 ай бұрын
Love your content but every time you introduce yourself I hear “Tyrese Gibson” which is ironic because his attachment style seems anxious.
@kellikakes81 7 ай бұрын
😂😂😂😂😂
@kellikakes81 7 ай бұрын
My sense of humor lol. Read again and got a good laugh lol
@miaduana 7 ай бұрын
Not "Cryrese" lord 😂
@ryk7296 6 ай бұрын
What nobody talks about is, how come they are so mean and scrooge nasty people. They dont like to spend at all. THE DA's I came across all liked to save money instead of sharing with the partners. The haphephobia problem is unreal. How can you be with someone if they dont like being touched. You cant kiss, hold hands, or sit even less than 2 feet away. I mean what is the problem with their necks. I was never allowed to touch around the neck or face because it was a sensitive area (according to the DA). If you share a problem, the gestures recieved will make you wonder, why are you even telling them in the first place. They will never call and instead they will text or call everbody in front of you just to take out a reaction from you. The mental gymnastics are unreal. The resentment they build up after the dating phase and the degrading will make you question your self worth. Run away from these mosters.
@jacopofbargellini4005 7 ай бұрын
My ex was pretending to be so sure and indipendent that at a certain moment i totally left her the lead, only to discover she didn't know what to do nor where to go and i had this impression of a squirrel in a wheel always doing something just to demonstrate she didnt need anyone and she knew how to behave, even if she didnt. End of the story, she left, staying with me was to much stress for her. After me, an endless cue of unfortunate guys caught in the squirrel wheel one after another.
@vtodd9203 5 ай бұрын
Add to this, sexual abuse that causes addictive physical needs. They are time bombs
@28zeamays 5 ай бұрын
I don’t really like going through these courses. It’s way too much advertising and taking out the money. My point is if you really want to help why not reach out to as many as possible tthrough KZfaq. Has anyone used a book instead?
@MD-gk2un 3 ай бұрын
Ok so let's be clear...it IS that they aren't considerate. It IS that they don't think about or factor in what you need...that's the definition of selfishness...it is inherently entirely about the SELF...not others. Let's not make excuses. My family is multilingual...if I didn't know a word or concept it didn't make me disrespect or disregard a person. Love is not a new language to them. They know what it is...they are uncomfortable with it...they CHOOSE to avoid and dismiss. Ok...continue....just had to clarify that extremely messed up thing you said 2 min into this...
@BloodBornShadowWalker 4 сағат бұрын
Just shows you have no acty knowledge or understanding of DAs
@fubao588 4 ай бұрын
Can 2 DA date together
@taylorbee4010 5 ай бұрын
As an autistic person It kind of feels like an overtly masculinized version of unsupported autistic relational capability. If the whole family doesn’t relate to each other… It just feels like there might be a tinge of ND behavior but it was just band aided with “hard work and gumption” rather than… treating the issues.
@darlawrence9295 7 ай бұрын
I don't understand why this woman always thinks fear is motivating a DA. When I was a little kid we encountered a problem with our house our family of 5 split up into 3 groups and lived with relatives. Then when we got into our new house my mother fell down the basement stairs and broke her back and was laid up for a year. My older brother was sent to Vietnam during this time and my Dad had to work 3 jobs to pay all the bills. So I learned to man up, don't complain and help out. I'm not "scared" of relationships, I just have zero tolerance for all these "anxious and entitled" people who think they have it so bad. Funny thing is, I have never met a Marine I didn't like. They don't piss and moan about anything! I was married for 18 years to an Anxious and she was a lot of work but hey, I love my kids and after the wife left I was a Single Dad for 12 years. Now I'm dating again and I have no patience for all the anxiety every woman seems to have. I'm thinking I should just get a dog and move to the country. I don't know, I guess I will give it a little more time.
@beckysuperswag 7 ай бұрын
you’d make anyone anxious with the brutal and dismissive way you speak about other human beings. if most women are anxious around you, you are the common denominator. you are truly off putting.
@beckysuperswag 7 ай бұрын
@@CandanceIsMyNamei do agree not everything is based in fear, not everyone wants to deal with drama etc. not everyone has the energy.
@r_and_a 7 ай бұрын
sincerely curious why you identify as DA instead of secure if you'd be willing to share
@msgirl01 7 ай бұрын
Maybe the term fear is too specific but I think the concept is still accurate. You aren't "scared" bc you just put boundaries. But if you didnt put boundaries your fears would be... Decreased peace, wasted time, unwarranted stress, having to spend emotional bandwidth on caretaking another when you'd rather use it for something you consider more important
@darlawrence9295 7 ай бұрын
@@r_and_a I got tired of women constantly asking me how I felt and they couldn't accept that I didn't feel anything. They thought I should be sad or upset and I couldn't figure out why. So I figured I was missing something that I could not see. Because I have a daughter it was imperative to understand what I was blind to. My daughter kept asking questions that wouldn't even enter the radar of my sons. So either she was an alien or I was inadequate as a father. Raising my daughter was the most difficult period of growth in my entire life. Because I had to learn to understand my daughter's feelings that I have never experienced in my entire life. For instance pain. She wants me to sympathize when she is in pain. The Army taught me that pain was good. It was weakness leaving the body. Pain was good because you knew you were injured, so now you can repair the damaged body part. I have learned the characteristics of Secure Attachment but as a practicing Stoic I lean toward a Dismissive Attachment style.
@gregorystinette8271 7 ай бұрын
All human beings are high mateinence; just get a dog & be happy. Shalom
@JacobCarlson-uq1my 7 ай бұрын
I should have said people's instead of earthbeings maybe. I don't want to sound weird. I was just trying to avoid the word with mans in it.
@jg8479 7 ай бұрын
Whats wrong with words that have " mans " in them? Legitimately curious
@JacobCarlson-uq1my 7 ай бұрын
@jg8479 Ultimately nothing I suppose, it's just a mental thing I aquired recently when I realized there are other alternatives to humans or history, like without , Hmm, you just made me realize there's no other way state genders without the man or male in it. I guess I'm trying to stay gender neutral. I mean I'm trying to give respect, as it seems as though women put way more into creation of life than man. Obviously it takes two, but men in my opinion
@jg8479 7 ай бұрын
What's the positive outcome of staying " gender neutral ". Masculinity and femininity are to be celebrated. Not buried or crushed. There's nothing more beautiful than a feminine woman and there's nothing more attractive to women than a masculine man. There also are times and places for a man to step into his feminine energy and a woman to step into her masculine energy. Really with your mindset you're not only doing both men and women a disservice but you're also doing disservice to yourself. The masculine/ feminine dichotomy dictate the laws of attraction. Even in gay/lesbian relationships you'll always have a figure that's more masculine and one who is more feminine. Don't deny it. Celebrate it.
@JacobCarlson-uq1my 7 ай бұрын
@@jg8479 I can't argue with that. Very beautifully put! I agree
@msgirl01 7 ай бұрын
Ah yes people that's the word u were looking for 😂
@robertl4824 7 ай бұрын
I an so into logic and practicality that at least one friend called me Mr Spock (star trek original)
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