No .. he is so cold and gone .. at least you know who is real or not

Currently in one and we had a very difficult conversation about it today

For the past 4 years, and sometimes yes , sometimes no. FA here 😅

Yep and nope

She was really hot at the beginning, asked me to go exclusive (I'm recently separated and was playing the field with some success). The sex was unbelievable (almost everyday and three or four times a day). Then all of a sudden, cold as ice. We split up after three months and she immediately hooked up with another guy (I know she met him when we were together, there's no way she couldn't have). I was furious at the beginning and lashed out at her and immediately went into no contact for 60 days. I basically told her that I don't believe a word she says anymore and said goodbye when she tried to make excuses. Needless to say, I'm back on the market and back to playing the field. I will always adore her but am not going down that road ever again. I will reach out after the 60 days as I'm a secure attachment and I need proper closure. You live and you learn. She did warn me when we first got together but this was really fu@ked up. I know she cares for me but can't process her feelings. Too bad, she's a really attractive girl and outside of being a DA, she's a really good person.

Boom 🎇

You are very ignorant. I have this attachment style and no that doesn't apply to me. I make it clear about what my intentions are

​@@jamalcole1985 Same here, too many folks enjoy judging and criticizing because they need to feel always right, and so avoid doing any self healing work.

I totally agree. They don't give a s***. If they did, they wouldn't get into relationships without healing. They pass on evil for the evil they themselves experienced. I'm learning a lot about them and I'm less sympathetic and if I meet another instead of treating them with respect and honor, I'll treat them the way they want to be treated, I'm sure that's what they really want.

They are the ultimate f boys , yes

They are literally the least suited attachment style for being in a functional relationship with. Still there could be some DA person who really is available for growth, not everyone, but some rare gem yes. And for the other partner is a real work, it’s not for everyone since it has tremendous impact on your psyche and physiology. Good luck to everyone and lets hope for a rare gem if so

​@@forestcop2399 you sound fun and healed

@0Demiyah0 LMBO. Yeah.......not hardly. I'm still pissed. I wasted my time, money, and heart on her and her two kids. Worst of all, my son is missing her and the kids.... that is the worst. Hurting me is one thing, hurting my son is another. The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing she'll never find someone as faithful, romantic, and, most of all, someone who loves and would protect her kids like his own. Oh, and I didn't tell her about the Tiffany bracelet and the surprise Hawaii trip lmbo. Thank God she dumped me before the trip.

Me too 12 years+ wasted

That's the best gift you can give to your child! My DA has a child from a previous relationship and I can see he is really trying! I'm happy for you too maam. Good luck!

Yes queen🤩✨

@Jonny ah don't "saints" have feelings too? 👀🧐🤔😱 Then again who is a saint? No matter how wonderful some of us can be, some of have been tainted by traumas, and now having some weird coping mechanisms due to core wounds, while the other hurt ones are on the other side hurting (think narcs etc.)!

I am a child of God love all and still got hurt they need salvation because true saints don't treat people like this because there is a conviction when you do and you get it right again I don't ever want to meet another Dismissive.

True. Needs to have the patience of a saint.

Find someone more genuine and real instead. You will be 10 times happier and less exhausting. You are not saint anyway it is not your duty to save them.

Or stupid.

I’m with a DA in a situationship now. He won’t give me a title and says that he’s not right for me. He tells me that he won’t be able to give me what I need. But then told me that we will talk about it later once we both get where we need to be. Why not just let go of me? I never knew I was anxiously attached until him. He brought the anxiety out of me and I never knew that I was until him. The dynamic in our relationship is now a lot closer and we talk every day throughout the day but then he talks to other women and tells me that he is real with me and not with them bad doesn’t talk to them every day. He says he cares about me a lot lot. Hd depends on me too for things and he says that he was never like that with anyone else. I don’t know if we are moving in the right direction or not and I’m so confused when I sit there and think about us. I am so vulnerable with him and I don’t ask him for anything but respect. .I buy him things and I pay for him most of the time so that he doesn’t have to stress about money on me. I really care about him a lot and I know I would be so sad to see him go but at the same time, I don’t want to waste my time. It’s been 1.5 years. He was also involved with someone before me but it was another situationship that he tried to hide from me but I found out and he quit talking to her. I get mad at him like he’s my boyfriend but then he throws things in my face and says that we aren’t in a relationship and I shouldn’t get upset. I don’t know what to do but I’m scared he is the one who will play with my heart. I told him that I wouldn’t hurt him bc I care about him so why would I ever hurt him bc it hurts me to hurt anyone I care about. I don’t know what to do and how much longer I can take but at the same time, I don’t want him to think I’m trying to pressure him.

@@tammyhuynh4063 you need a good therapist.

@@tammyhuynh4063 The longer you stay there, the harder will be to leave. There is only a future in your relationship if he does work actively on his inner wounds, but that is not on your hands whatsoever. In fact, if you ask him to work on that, he will likely be even more distant than ever before!

​​@@tammyhuynh4063Reread your message. You already have all the answers. Look for a therapist. This relationship is not healthy and you already feel it. This person doesn't seem concerned about you at all. Research codependency.

100%. Been there. When I finally set normal boundaries, that was it, and I was drained in every possible way. Never again with a DA.

Facts! I'm FA and just stepped away from a situationship with a DA last week. Learned alot through the 6 months we dated and I definitely won't date a DA again if they don't try and put in work.

@@sunbeam9222 it's helped me recognize the kind of work I need to put in to become secure. Not secure yet but that's the goal.

This is good advice. Though in most cases, the DA's partner isn't aware of attachment styles.

@@trollhunter3944 They don’t have to be. DA’s don’t have to change their attachment style; they just need to be mature enough to honour your needs and boundaries when you communicate them clearly and regularly, and to work on the relationship together. If these things aren’t present, regardless of attachment style, the relationship won’t work

@@MsGuitars666 I agree.

Safety, empowerment and enrichment are co-created in a relationship. No one does anything alone in a relationship. You are not the one who creates a healthy environment, are both. Two different people, but full of identifications, come together to and their needs and desires. Authenticity is something extremely necessary in relationships to flow. How is all this done? Patience, good humor and conflicts. If one party, or both, can't sit down and resolve conflict without running away, it's impossible to create a healthy dynamic. It's part of life to make mistakes and hurt who we love. The ability to talk, apologize, and forgive creates this safe environment. If one acts through scarcity of thought, aka resentment, it is impossible to create anything lasting. My DA offered me a relationship. It never happened, because she wasn't present for all that you said to happen. In the first conflict, she abandoned everything - no dialogue, blaming me for everything and flaws finding (all that DA stuff). I actually named the dynamic that was going on: toxic behavior (I know a lot is unconscious, but is unhealthy and we are also responsible for our actions or lack of actions in a relationship). It's impossible to be authentic walking on eggshells. That's where the problem starts.

@sushisam3010 You are correct, sometimes if a partner is unable to feel safe in a relationship, they will run. Resolving conflict is not of value to them when safety is not available.

dumb excuse, learn how to do it! no one is born knowing this stuff, they all learn it. start with basic communication.

‘Using’being the operative word

This is precisely what I experienced. Good thing he never got what he really wanted from me, as I also firmly stood my ground not wanting a situation ship. He dismissed himself by finally ghosting me on Valentine's Day. Nice job, the coward.

Every attachment style is getting a lot of love from our compassionate queen Thais 🤩

@@MsGuitars666 there’s been a lot more DA material as of lately is what I mean

@corey time has shown this to be true. have you seen the videos since? it's all DA! maybe the name of the channel should change to PDAS. every attachment style is not getting equal amounts of love.

He sounds immature. If you were my sister, I would tell you that you deserve better. Tell him to his face you’re cutting him loose so that you can find someone who will respect you more and respect your relationship more.

I think words should align with actions and vice versa. Labels do matter because it shows conscious commitment. Later on when you will want to progress in the relationship (move in together etc), he will tell you "I told you we were only friends". So be careful with your expectations. This behaviour is also a bit immature.

Sounds more FA to me. 7 days a week?

If the label bothers you that much, why are you wasting your time with him?

@T C there is no hot and cold though. Which I was under the impression is more FA traits. Literally, the only thing is the lack of verbal commitment. Which is why I'm questioning if it even matters.

Me, too, 3 1/2 years down the drain. The roller coaster for no valid reason, breakup after breakup, had no idea about attachment styles. When I discovered it, I shared it with her and she admitted she was DA. When I set healthy and normal boundaries, she ended the relationship. Seven months later, still sorting out the whys of the relationship. We're left drained, so now I have the attachment quiz bookmarked to filter out any future DAs.

ms too. i left after 2.5 years ... it was a rollercoaster from hell and I ended up being painted as the abusive partner in the end when I shared the info on attachment styles 😂

💯

Dealing with an Aquarius DA it’s excruciating 😣

I mean can anyone tell the difference between an Aquarius and a DA anyway? No offense to the Secure Aquarius out there. All two of you. 😂

It was the Mars in Aquarius. I know 3 of them

@@TheEvilangel1976 Oh wow. That's crazy. But I'm glad you resonated with what I said as it gives more validation for this placement. I didn't realize how strong of a pull a person's Mars could be until I began putting the pieces together. I was blaming it on the Sag moon at first.

I'm FA trying to do the work daily. We'll become secure one day 💪

Most studies show 50-60% are insecure

I agree. Although she's talking about people who ultimately want commitment who are afraid of entering into one.

It's okay to 1) have solitude and 2) have casual relationships. As long as you make it VERY clear what you can and want to offer. If a person who wants to have a relationship puts itself in a situation like this where he/she knows the other doesn't want it, suffering will be certain. But many people put themselves into conversations/dates without being clear about what they are looking for. Some (DAs) even offer a relationship. After a short time, they begin to behave bizarrely. It is incomprehensible to outsiders how they self sabotage a relationship they want. A behavior that you immediately switch to wonder if they even like you, or if they're playing emotional games (they are, even unconsciously. sorry). They project all their fear onto you and into the relationship, creating chaos. By the way, you can have solitude in a relationship. It all depends on the boundaries you set.

Sad.

In the personal development school!

@@Ari.StarFire Yes. The point of the question is - where do you find DAs that are casually signing up for & attending PDS and discussing themselves in this manner? When I was Avoidant, I'd rather sit on nails all day than participte in anything even remotelly close to this.

They aren’t afraid because they have buried their feelings so deep to protect themselves because of past trauma.

I can answer as an FA. No, I have never taken any accountability for how someone else felt hurt and do not hold others accountable for my feelings. Your feelings, your problem. I am not repressing, I genuinely do not want to go back. FAs have a very strong and long list of reasons of why they don't want to be with someone so it's not like they are scared of feeling affection for someone. The time shared together will not compensate for the reasons the feelings are gone. That is magic thinking.

As an FA leaning avoidant. Yes. I was in an almost 5 years committed relationship, took us long like that because I didn't want to hurt her so I stayed. Wrong move. I wasted her time and mine. One day we had an arguement and took that chance to get out. Guilt I felt took me 2 years to forgive myself. I was hurt because I hurt her but I had to let her go. And I did apologise so many times and even tried to stay friends. So yes you can expect some accountability from some FAs.

@@MybabyboyIra Thank you for sharing

I'm FA and I always try my best to hold myself accountable for my behavior if I hurt someone. Unless someone is a sociopath completely devoid of all empathy and basic social ettiquite then I would say even alot of avoidants feel bad, even if they don't outwardly express it. It became alot easier to hold myself accountable and apologize the more secure I became and started to see it as beneficial to me because it helped me grow as a person. The times in the past when I couldn't were because I was too insecure to just say "oops, I messed up. I'm sorry"

@@13se05 Thank you for your insight

Very good - you don’t need a man just learn to live on your own for the rest part of your life. No need to invest in the relationships. You will only stuff it up if you want to do so. No family no kids no connections spend all your money before you die. Good luck.

Sad.

you find that someone who knows what they want sad LOLLL @@slightlyoffensivesob4690

When someone is basically your best friend, you know each other through and through, you are invested in each other's lives, cheer on each other, support each other's dreams and growth, have each other's back. When you can just be yourself around each other, and it feels safe, you feel accepted, enough, loved and valued as you are. (Not to say that someone thinks you are perfect, but rather that they think you are fine and a good person just as you are, even though they also know you have your strengths and weaknesses.)

A deeper emotional connetion is when you can be your mistakes and successes, neither good nor bad, you are a human being and deserve to be treated with respect even if you make mistakes. You are able to love the person for all that it represents, including your fears. It's the understanding that we hurt those we love, but we are able to apologize and forgive. It is living the experience that the other cannot give me everything I need and I will have to live with this lack (this is also a bit of maturity). But that there's a world full of things I can pursue out there. It is a connection of respect for what the other wants and goes through in his life. It's allowing yourself to be vulnerable with all the risks. All of this is a construction, a choice, which is to love. If you want, you can also search and try to build it. It's not easy, but it brings meaning and color to life. You deserve all this too.

@@sushisam3010 thank you, do people actually do all of this? Seems like bit of a lottery win situation, so I understand this may exist, but I don't think this can be common

Yep studies show that they like hook ups casual or people who are married or in relationships already it keeps them detached I just read this.

Absolutely!! They are always dating around and hooking up without being transparent and honest with you. Avoid DA's at ALL cost because it WILL ruin your mental and emotional health.

The whole point of dating is to try multiple people and figure out who works best for us. Nothing wrong with dating multiple people at once.

@@Mississippian many people are uncomfortable with dating many people at once especially if its not disclosed..okay in like within 6 months but you can't go on dating multiple ones after that

Dating is different than the commitment to a relationship. Is the person committed to multiple people? Then they're not committed to anyone. Are they committed to one person and dating others? Then they are cheating. Or are they not committed to anyone? Then they're only dating and don't have to be exclusive.

Please don’t do this to yourself. Think about what you want or need and how they show up for you. Do they meet your needs? If not, don’t think about giving a DA more time. Also consider if they are working on themselves and healing their attachment wounds. If they are not, then you will eventually cause yourself a lot of pain and hurt. I was dating a DA for 10 months and I thought the same way. I thought being patient with him and showing up consistently for him would eventually make him feel safe but he called me one evening and told me we were not compatible and he didn’t want to keep working on the relationship and that’s the last time I heard from Him. I hope you will look out for yourself because you deserve a love you don’t have to question. Do what’s right for you.

Run! I just broke off a situationship a month ago and although I miss her it's for the best. I couldn't keep investing into something I knew it wasn't going to flourish. Mentally draining all around if you want something serious and have feelings for the person.

Yep. 33 years to a DA. 🤔🙄

What I heard is they make the other feel very lonely in their marriage

Read your responses girls…. You are being the Victims currently…🤔🙄

Why would you even want to do this to yourself? smh

They will never be satisfied, and you will be left feeling like you are never good enough.

Focus on yourself, how you can be dynamic for you! Not how to twist yourself into a pretzel to “get” someone to appreciate you.

@@marlapeters9359 Exactly. That's being a pick-me.

Yeah DA video comment section is comical because you see people who refuse to work on themselves throw rocks at DAa for not wanting to be with those who wouldn't work on themselves.

We don’t care! 🙄 enablers are so insufferable!

@@Jae-by3hf Hi there Jae, there definitely is something to say for enabling. That is not what I was hinting at at this post; it is important to speak out unjust behaviour and to remove ourselves from people that do not treat us and others justly. What I was talking about was simply that I think it is not helpful to speak badly about all dismissive avoidants, since not all of them are the same. Hope this explanation helps :)

It's not enabling if we point out that people who get burnt by DAs are mainly responsible for their own pain.

@@Mississippian Would you mind elaborating?