Needed this video. I am a better version of myself away from my family. It's heartbreaking, but true.

My family doesn't trigger me, they detonate me! 💥🤕

This is even true if you are living with a parent who cause your childhood wound and refuse to see you as an adult

It’s impossible to not have regression if your relatives have never grown/matured/changed. The only prophylactic is to not be physically in their presence.

I really do have to remind myself that I'm 30, and I don't have to do ANYTHING that makes me uncomfortable anymore. And fulfilling someone else's needs doesn't mean I have to put my own aside, I'm equally as important.

SO relevant to me right now, due to the horrible rental market I've had to move back in with my parents. The regression is real, it's like I'm back to that scared, depressed teenager back with an emotionally abusive mum. It's not ideal

About that boundries... My Mom loves to talk about my "bad behavior" when I was a teen. She takes every opportunity to tell everyone... even over and over again. Like, I slammed the doors when I was angry. I´m 34 now. But still... I just dont understand why she is doing this. I mean... Im her daughter. Why would I enjoy making my own daughter look bad to someone. She did that to all my boyfriends. She told them everything. Im married now. She keeps telling this storys to my husband, who heard it a thousand times already. The thing is,... I told him before. I told him, that she is going to try to make me look bad. I told him, I slammend the doors as a teenager. I told him all. So... he wasnt surprised, when she told him. He was just like "I know". She was stunnend. Speechles. And I said to her: "He already knows. I told him, because I knew you would do that." And she was like: "Its just the Truth". And I mean... yes... it is. But why telling everyone? She did that too, when I was a little girl. Once a week we visited my grandpa. And the whole Family was there. Like... everyone. At least 15 People. All Aunts and Uncles and their children. It seems to have been a thing back then. I sat on the sofa just 4 steps away. And they talked about me like I wasnt there. Talked about every negative thing that happend the last week. Everything I had done wrong. And all agreed that I was a bad person. Even though when I look back now... I wasnt. I was always friendly to everybody, I never stole. Nor have I ever hurt anyone. All I did was fight back at home to my parents. Because I seemed to do everything wrong. I was just in my room, listening to music... I´ve been told its to loud, even though I could barely hear it myself. Or I´ve been told to clean up my room, even though it was fine. Or I used the bathroom... I´ve been told I made the bathroom sink dirty, or I havent washed my hands good enough. I was never good enough. And all I did was wrong. Thas why Im getting stressed out, when trying to work. Im so afraid of doing something wrong, that my head is a complete mess and I actually DO something wrong. And when I get told I did something wrong (wich is btw most times not said friendly) Im getting a panik attack and run off. I once tried to work in a shop, where I was myself a regular customer. In the end I run off and never came back. Not even as a customer. Im in therapy for more than 15years. But still... I cant overcome this. Any Ideas?

Just came back from a two-weeks holiday with family. We live in a different country so usually we go one or twice a year for a couple of weeks. This time our main boundary (for both me and my husband) was that we would not stay at either of our parents house, we would stay in an Airbnb, which made a huge difference as we had the liberty to just be away from everybody if we wanted!

I'm so glad this exists. I have felt reluctant to visit my family on big occasions for the very fear of regressing. Everybody else seemed to be so cheerful about spending time with their families, all the time, I felt odd and ungrateful in comparison. I definitely experience still being treated as a child by some family members. It turned from being kinda understable to downright silly (imagine being talked down to like you're 13 year old during your 30th birthday,) and it's a big anxiety factor around the holidays. Some of them sometimes make me feel the need to be asking for permission for the things I'm free to do as an adult person. I need to remind myself constantly that I and myself alone are responsible for my way in life and the family's just talking, even if it is annoying.

Just because you understand yourself better or healed from your family trauma - doesn't mean they did.

I almost didn't go to my family's house for Thanksgiving this year because I was scared I couldn't handle it and that being home would bring me back to a dark place/older version of myself. But I've been working extra hard to not regress, and it's been okay so far 🤞 Thank you for the tips, Katie!!

This is such a great video. I've always felt a lot of shame and guilt around the fact that I am majorly triggered, and act out around my family to the point that I become extremely toxic. It took me a really long time to put it all together. I literally cannot, and gave up being around my family because of this issue. Also, I discovered that as much as my parents or any of my family members want to see me, they get triggered around me, too. Year ago, my mom forced a visit when I was sick even though I told her not to come. Sure enough, something made her upset, and she spent most of her time in her hotel room away from me. It's all so toxic and not something my family is open to talking about, so I just decided it was better just to take care of myself and my side of the street.

Sometimes going no contact with family is the only choice we have in order to help us heal from past traumatic family environments.

My family is terrible for this. They complete undermine me in front of my daughter,, cause arguments, treat me like a child...

I'm living with my parents and i have to deal with those triggers almost EVERY DAY!! I really need you to make a video about people who live with their toxic parents and how to deal with how to put boundaries and deal with triggers! but thank you so much for that video it was helpful tho.😘

Perfect time before the holidays

My mother brings an unbelievable large amount of stress. I am triggered by her entitlement and her hurtful words. I have embraced my boundaries with her. Therapy has been such a blessing. My mother and sister (co-dependency) will come at me hard because I don’t fall for their manipulative way. “I wouldn’t do my mother like that, I wouldn’t do my sister like that”…. It’s sickening.

Strangers know me better than my family

I think we often go back to those versions of ourselves out of a desire for justice and an inability to get absolution for that justice. I can’t talk to my brother anymore and have decided not to. His form of reversion around me especially in a group is to bully me, no longer physically as he used to but rather to turn any conversation with a group into an opportunity to show dominance over me in front of that group. My reversion is to conversationally crawl into a corner in front of the group and hide my knowledge or skills so as to not me targeted for bullying. Mix that all with my self knowledge and knowledge of how much trauma came from his behavior growing up, compounded by his disbelief in non-religiousself improvement, the family religion I do not share, that relationship becomes impossible. He can have the dominance he seeks in a world I have escaped and that I can no longer visit. That’s fine. I can continue to create my authentic self in a different world I’m making with those I’ve chosen to be around me. That’s healthier for me and I’m not responsible for him.

Summary of the Video: 1. The Brian Makes a Connection 2. Relational Dynamics 3. Unresolved Family Conflict 4. Attempt to Get Your Needs Met

This happens to me too and whenever the holiday season rolls around it's even more depressing because I know I won't be seeing any of them and as much as I know it's better this way for my mental health, it still hurts like it did years ago.

Thanks Kati, I was praying for THIS and you just answered it through this video.

Last year, I spent Christmas with a close family member for the first time in decades. Although we are in our 60’s and have been in therapy much of our lives, we both regressed to pre-school and have still not spoken in 2022. 😢

I only ever get angry when I'm nagged constantly, but my parents get angry at me for feeling irritated or angry. If I ever show any sign of "attitude", no matter how small, I get either the disappointed cold shoulder or shouted at. I could cough and he would take offense. I feel like I cannot feel any negative emotion or I will be scolded in one way or another. Example: Today, my dad wanted me to heat up his lunch. I told him to wait a moment and that that that I would go down in a couple of minutes. He repeated, in the span of 5 minutes, 10 times that he was starving and needed SOMEONE to heat up his lunch. It was loud, constant, and irritating. I think I have misophonia, so you can guess how much it grates when it is so repetitive. I repeated that he could wait. He kept on with his loud repetition of that one phrase. When I went down, he kept on and on and on, so I was heating his food and found one of his dirty spoons in the counter and threw it into the kitchen sink. It clattered with a metal pan when he was coming into the kitchen and he yelled at me. He always finds something to be angry about when I feel angry, just so he can yell or slam doors. Now he keeps poking for a verbal fight, which I want to avoid. That is just today, but he has gotten angry at me for: Being angry that he made a motion to hit me to scare me, being stressed out during finals, being silent after he scolded me, telling him I don't like to be yelled at for no reason, etc... It always feels like he's a hair's trigger away from exploding on me or I'm one argument away from saying something I will regret. It also feels like I'm walking on eggshells most of the time when it comes to even FEELING things.

Kati, thank you so much for this video. Now I understand why I behave like a teenager with bad mood or strugle with the presence of my parents when I'm around them, and then when I am not with them I'm like other person and I've thought that maybe only happened to me and that I wasn't being comprehensive with them,etc... and I always was surprised of how my mood changed automatically. So this explanation and others in your channel help a lot. I' really appreciate it :)

This is an extremely important video, a amazing amount of people, including myself are struggling with these very same issues. It isn't easy as said because people have their own response to your healing process. Glad that you created this channel and pick such an important topic. WOW

After all these years I've learned that some things will never be resolved and the people I'm closest to will never be the people I'm related to. Accepting that and grieving the loss has been really helpful, it allows me to take a "it is what it is" attitude, accept it, and ultimately no longer care, so I can binge on turkey and apple pie with relative glee, which I plan on this year too, a great practice on staying centered and boundaried too.

Good boundaries are how we deal with the toxic people in our lives

Thank you for saving lives!

I'm not even watching the full video yet But just here to say that I just started working on my triggers and Katy had to come and help❤️‍🔥💝💘❤️‍🔥💝💘❤️‍🔥💝💘

I do notice myself doing this. I recently found more of my identity and i already know that I'll be going back into the closet and becoming quiet and reserved when i go see family for thanksgiving. The pipe analogy makes sense though.

i needed to see this video. its hard with my family and its hard to be myself around them

Yes! SO helpful and important! ♥️ Have a wonderful thanksgiving!

So very helpful. Thanks for helping me understand why the familiar triggers certain emotions. Happy holidays to you.

This was one of your better videos in the last year, thank you grateful for you!

Super helpful. Thank you.

I'm so happy you are here, Katie, with your warmth and wisdom. Happy and healthy holidays to you and Sean.

Kati, that's really helpful. It explains a lot of the family dynamics and why we remain stuck.

Thank you, Kati, this was a much-needed video. I can't say how much your work has helped me over the past few months

Had a not-so-great Thanksgiving this year with the family, and came across this video later on. Thank you so much for making this video. This is something that I'll take with me year round, not just during the holidays 👍

Just found you recently, Kati, but thank you for making the content that you do. Your sincerity, your pace. Your message. Thank you.

Thanks so much for another great video. I've learnt so much from your channel. I really like how you explain often-complicated topics. Hi from Australia xx

Hi Katie, I learn so much from you. This video resonates with me for sure and is so helpful. I continue to move forward year by year with my issues as I implement these practices with friends and family with diplomacy. I would love to see you speak on estrangement by adult children. I am working on being in a place of respect andacceptance while conveying that my door is always open. Thank you Katie, and happy holidays!

Great video! It helped both me and my friend who both experienced childhood trauma and as a result get triggered by our moms constantly.

Thanks, you are a gift

Stay away from your family. Don’t spend holidays with them especially if they are narcissistic. Keep your distance

so many helpful tips!! thank you, Katie

Kati, Thank you so much for sharing family dynamics around these holidays. I actually cancelled Thanksgiving plans with my niece and her son because her mother, my oldest sister, is going to be there. My sister is very toxic and I regress just thinking about being around her. My father was a tyrant and my sister did nothing to break that pattern. I was literally getting sick to my stomach thinking about it. I decided my mental health was more important. Of course I felt guilty about cancelling until I watched your video and the YT Short you did about body temperature rising with stress and your meme of "Me at my family thanksgiving." I LOVED that! Hit the nail on the head. There are only five people going and I would have no escape. Thankfully my niece completely understands. She knows her mom well. ❤❤❤ what you do. Your contribution to your online community is invaluable and irreplaceable. Thank you for being you!

Amazing insights. And I love that you were called Stomper when you were a kid.

In my early 30s and still living with my parents (currently looking for a place of my own). I love my family, but my anxiety just gets worse the more I'm around them. Its taken me a while to accept that sad truth but I keep reminding myself that it doesnt mean I love them any less.

I moved away from the area my parents lived in my early thirties. When I would visit them that sickening toxic would come over me within minutes of our visit which I had felt free of once I Lived away from them. I felt normal or good once I was away and I was surprised because I always felt very damaged growling. Up

Good Thanks Giving message.

Yes. Can relate to this exactly. This is my deal and working on it 💞💙👊

I have come across this and made sense of it using ideas from Transactional Analysis (TA). It says that we have a parent and child ego alongside our ordinary ego, the parent ego comes from early childhood observations of our parents, and the child side from our experiences as children, and social interactions can be thought of as interactions between the different egos in different people. I realised I was sometimes behaving more like the child I was (child ego), and my parents sometimes behaved like parental figures rather than friends (parent ego) and this behaviour reinforces a parent - child response and interaction, as opposed to an adult to adult interaction. A therapist I discussed this with went with it, and came up with recommendations to similar to what Katie explains, but from a TA perspective. It helped me and parents shift to more of a friendship rather than the old habits. I also had a hearted talk with my mum toward healing old wounds which Madera big difference

Everyone who will be visiting their families during the holidays needs to listen to this in the car/ plane/ train

I find peace when I’m away from my family. I love them but they stress me Soo much. I’m the one who is responsible for financially supporting my mother (father passed away) although I have a sister. I’m happy to do that but my mother never tells me that what Im doing is enough. I’m deeply hurt because of that and it is now has become a major stress in my life. Although, I am so happy to fully financially support her sometimes the things she does make me wonder how ignorant she is. For example I had no job for about 4months and still was giving her the same monthly allowance as I would do normally, she didn’t bother to ask if I had money or I was okay. Just a month after finding a job, I took her to the country I live, paid for everything as usual and what makes me soo sad is she is expecting me to take her out and buy her what ever she likes on a weekly basis. The part where I was struggling to find a job and all that money I’ve spent on the whole visit do not even cross her mind. Sadly, I’m deeply hurt by all this because I can never tell her what I feel and I don’t know what to do. I wanna heal soo badly…

Thank you so much, waiting for another video

This resonates with me totally Kati -- I don't even think -- no I KNOW -- that my family doesn't know the real me (the person I am today) because every time I am with them I regress back into that awkward, shy, unconfident person that everyone used to love to pick on and make fun of.

It's really helpful again thank you

Thank you

came just in time... as per usual!

I had to leave thanksgiving day. Its not that it's not a joyous day its just that no one speaks to me much and I have bad memories of the basement...so I just left.All the abuse eve. Though I knew my dad tried his best. ...and itook two clonopin tp stand the two hours there

Hi Katie I really need to be consistent follow through with boundary work.

Thanks for sharing this info. Does this (activating old brain maps) imply that there will never be complete healing as long as the external triggers remain unsolved?

I have a twin sister and we are 61 yrs old. Our mom still treats me terrible. She physically abused me growing up out of 5 kids I was the middle born 3 minutes before my sister.. And I was my mom's punching bag growing up. To this day she still emotionally abuses me. I live in a different state then them. But Birthdays come my sister gets cards and gifts I don't. My mom will be 90in June 2023

Kati I know you're preaching self-sufficiency, and I get that- but this seems just a little bit to self-central in this video... My parents only selectively treat me as an adult, and I don't do anything to provoke this... I help them with issues with apps and phones and things- but just the other day they completely disregarded the knowledge I had to offer about interacting with the person repairing their computer. I don't know what else I can possibly do to get them to treat me as the adult I act like and legitimately I am... Please...help?

It's not even anything this video explains, what I have experienced is parents that are not happy with my choices or how I live my life. I am told to change or do better and when I explain that's their view of how I should live my life they get upset... I am about to cut family off.

My parents are such a drag. They they they.... yup.

I love the method of using all your senses to bring you back into the present moment. The only problem for me is that I have absolutely no sense of sight and no sense of smell. What can I do in place of that?

Thank you Kati I almost forgot your vedio as like anyone in my country we had been celebrating our national team of Saudi Arabia's victory over Argentina.

People need to realize this shit is not just in America. This is ACROSS the globe.

My dad stress me out everyday

Can we buy your courses without paypal? I live in UK and it looked like I bought a course few months back but didn't go through.

You just have to be your true authentic self, and refuse to be the 'old you'. Your Parents either accept the new 'you', or they won't ever see you. My stepfather is a narcissist, and my Mother is passive-aggressive, but I refuse to allow either him or my Mother to control my emotions or to manipulate me any longer. My childhood needs were never met, and they never will be. When you threaten to walk out and go home until your family accepts you as you are, and then do it, they're the ones that must adapt to you. Getting your Parents to accept your boundaries of acceptable behaviour from them, without explaining why, is the first step towards your emotional freedom. It's incredibly difficult to do, but very necessary.

Could you do a deep dive video on what is considered misconduct by a therapist please? Be interesting as what I have found is Doctors seem to stick together when the finger is pointed at them.

Yesss

I have a question. If you ask me, I don't have a real personality. I have no likes or dislikes, I like what the person I'm talking to likes and dislike what they dislike. I change my mood with how they are acting; if they're energetic, I'm energetic, if they are quiet, I am quiet. It's just how it has always been and to be honest, I, myself, don't even know who I am. I am what people want me to be. Is there a reason for this? Am I just a people-pleaser or is it something deeper, like from my childhood or something? Am I just thinking about this too much? It's now at that point where I don't even know who I am and I am almost afraid the different people will meet and everyone just know a different me. I have a habit of becoming friends with boys (I am a girl) who's also gamers. I say I like gaming, but that's just something I've always said and I don't know if I really like it or not. Maybe it comes from my dad and brother liking gaming and to fit in I kind of had to adapt? I really don't know. I lost the real me many years ago and I would really like her back. She was a much better version of me and quite honestly? I miss her, that girl.

Interesting about Childhood Wounds which probably explains why I rarely spent Christmas with my parents as they put on this persona just for the day and it was all about the religious aspect , even now decades on I don't like Xmas seems all fake

UGH yup my dad knows exactly how to bring out my worst side

Terimakasih...sharing berbagi ilmunya..

NC going on 3 years now. 🥳

undiagnosed bpd makes this *so fucking annoying* but ty, I needed this video this week. gonna try my fucking best!

Totally out of line with the subject. I recently finished 13 days at a partial hospital program. Now 5 days out, I feel worse than when I started. Any thoughts, ideas, reasons why this might happen?? Happy Thanksgiving, Kati!!

That's a big divider this time of year, hearing differing political views of relatives when you just want to talk turkey. I like your idea and I might be saying 'I would rather move to the little kids table in the kitchen than have to sit and listen to your preaching politics!'

similar thing I have so much trouble im still a teen but I get so angry at my mum for the smallest things and sometimes for no reason she just makes me mad and I have no patience with her but why is this

Dammit childhood 😝

I set boundaries my parents ignore them......aaahhhhh

Is that why some family get togethers seem like groundhog day

May not just be childhood but could also be at age 21

But tell us how you live with anxiety and depression, it's hard uff

In times of confusions, trials and mistrust, the entire Muslim Ummah needs some reassurance and commiseration. Muhammad Qasim Dreams bring us such hope and the help of Allah that has been promised by Prophet Muhammad SAW.

Your videos are great.. but why are you so close to the camera? 😫

Qasim was shown in his dream in 2015, that Muslims will be shaken heavily and will end up fighting one another, if they do not believe in the dreams. Many of Qasim’s dreams are now turning into reality for Pakistan & Middle East. Don’t ignore Muhammad Qasim's dreams.

The Army and people of Pakistan took bold steps to save Islam and Pakistan and then people who really love Pakistan started to run it and we cleared Pakistan from all forms of disbelief. ✓MuhammadQasimDreams

🌟ISRAEL BUILDS IN PALESTINE LAND (FEB 7th 2017). Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. Muhammad Qasim saw in a dream, how Israel started building a large brown colored building in the land of Palestine. Because of this the Muslims of Palestine became very angry. And then every Arab country also became angry. Thinking why is Israel making a building there this is the land of the Muslims. Then the Muslims of the world raise their voices against it. They started to protest against Israel but Israel did not stop. And the Muslims were unable to do anything either then protest.When I saw this I said what kind of building is this that so many Muslims are protesting. I went on a flying machine similar to a plane to see what the building was. When I came closer I saw more and more Muslims protesting. And Israel had almost completed the building. 🌟please find more about these important dreams of Muhammad Qasim. We are the last generation of this world.

Kati, please stop doing the close up zoom! While the effect looks epic, it feels like you enter our personal space, and it's a bit uncomfortable. The frame just before the zoom is the perfect distance to be from the camera.

Muhammad Qasim has seen that closer to the end of times, many wars will be imposed against Islam and Muslims, and many people will be in despair. What is the future of Islam? Learn why Muhammad Qasim's dreams are importan Muhammad Qasim Dreams

Katie it's time we talked about that hairstyle of yours it's time to hit the beauty parlor babe it's time for a new doo. You can do it Katie I believe in you. 😘

Just another sales pitch !

love from mauritius