Summary: 1. Give you time 2. Offer their space 3. Give their resources 4. Willingness to solve issues 5. They will apologize I would personally also add 6. Introduce you to family, friends, colleagues 7. Consistent communication and initiative to set dates Reflection: I personally test Secure for a long time now, but I resonate with having an FA leaning DA style as my dominant insecure attachment. I've done 5 years of therapy and deliberately exposed myself to situations out of my comfort zone to overcome my blocks. I feel very confident in myself and expressing my emotions, boundaries and needs, as well as knowing how to emotionally differentiate, regulate and soothe myself. I can lean AP in relationship with someone who is very DA, but ironically - and I say that because it seems so rare - it is in relationship to a rather "extreme DA" that I healed to SA. This "extreme DA" gives me very consistent signals of caring and loving me. 1. Give me time - he wants to see me 1-4 times a week. He calls once or twice a week. He texts me every day from 8-9am almost to bedtime. 2. Offers his space - it took a long time before he trusted me with his space, because he was embarrassed of his living conditions (he lived with a cluttered hippie hospice), eventually we lived together for a while and I could also enter his "mancave" and play on his console if he was gone. 3. Give their resources - in the beginning phases he always paid all the dates like 80-100% of it. Zoo. Concerts. Dinners. Movies. Museum. Icecream. He also let me borrow his stuff. Now it's a little more balanced, but he will stay pay around 50-70%. 4. Willingness to resolve issues - even if every physical sign in my DA's bodylanguage screamed he wanted to run, he has addressed difficult and sensitive topics that needed to be resolved, and always emphasized he wants to build trust. 5. They will apologize - it's definitely not his strongsuit, but he will apologize from time to time. 6. Consistency in communication & setting dates - I think my DA's strongest way of saying "I love you" is through how consistent he is and how often he takes initiative. Very unlike most experiences with DA, I barely ever have to take initiative. It's 80-90% him who texts me first and asks when I am available. 7. Introducing to friends, family, colleagues - Avoidants are notorious at keeping every compartment of their life separate, because they don't want to deal with the emotional struggle and shame if things do not work out, and might also realize their family is dysfunctional. My DA eventually asked me to join a family vacation for me to meet everyone and he also allowed me to visit him at work and party with his colleagues. If you wonder how it got to such a level of stability with me and my rather extreme DA; 1) never chase them 2) patience and grace 3) untangle your own storytelling 4) acknowledgement & appreciation 5) soft and judgement-free vulnerable communication

It doesn’t matter if they “care” until they care enough to change their behaviour and seek help

I’m in love with an avoidant. This is the only channel I’ve found that truly speaks to his nature. He is not narcissistic at all. He does not behave manipulatively. He is very kind and generous. This is my first time learning and understanding attachment types so it felt like he lost interest. For the ladies it can be hard because we wrestle with insecurity and need more validation and if that’s what you are used to being with a DA will throw you way off. I will not make excuses for his behavior and he is not the only person I’ve encountered that does this. I feel blessed to know it wasn’t me it is just how they process their emotions. ❤

I CAN put up with withdrawals but I ask that he TELL me he needs space. He won’t do that and I find a hard time accepting just a sudden disappearance. It feels like abandonment.

I almost got mad seeing this I was in a 2 year relationship with one his actions never lined up I made more effort he gave very little. The thing is I don't care how much they show it it will not last because they are afraid of it.i was bitter but you helped me to heal along with Rc Blake thank you .never again will I deal with a person like this they love you on their terms they do not need to be in any relationship you're going to end up hurt.

After 11/2 years, this finally confirms that he does not really care. He apologizes a lot, nearly all communication is texts, haven’t met a single person he knows, etc etc. Classical. Can I continue? No. He always says he’s ‘trying’, but not really. He works almost all the time (or so he says), then he’s got his ‘game’ buddies. No room for me.

It’s so sad that there are people that just always deny their basic needs of , or valid felt emotions. No sane person asked to fall for a robot. We fell hard only because the DA showed signs of care, vulnerability, etc, and nowadays I KNOW not to date anybody with emotional immaturity or bad enough issues.

You're very understanding and empathetic, thanks for not demonising avoidants. I was avoidant and after therapy, I'm anxious, on the way to secure. Thanks for your perspective.

I find that showing love by "doing for others" is a preferred way of saying I care. The problem is that it is considered by many to be a surface way of loving people that does not get to true intimacy.

Actually in my experience, I avoided securely attached people and continually picked narcissists. From what I understand avoidants often times pick toxic people.

If you want someone to love you you have to give something to love!

@2:50 I’m really glad you mentioned “especially avoidants who have been alone for a while.” I’m the anxious one and the guy I’m interested in sometimes has a hard time adjusting his schedule/activities to include me, but neither of us have been in serious relationships in many years. I hadn’t considered how hard it must be for him to come from a place of not trusting anyone and being used to being alone for so long to shift enough to try to make space for me at all, let alone consistently. Thanks for that insight!

I am a DA and your list rings true. My boyfriend is also a DA, but he is a little more hardcore with it than I am. Even still, we are perfect for each other. He understands why I am the way I am and I understand why he is the way he is, so there is absolutely no complaints or conflicts. We see each other once a week, talk on the phone a couple times a week, never text and only go out once a month. We've been together almost 4 years and I couldn't be happier 👍🏽🙂

I am living proof that the dishwasher comment is pretty relevant and realistic. My DA ex broke up with me after a fight following a domestic dispute in his place. I was truly puzzled at the time and it hurt like hell because I couldn't understand him at all and made up an explanation about me instead. But over a year later, I can now see he was dealing with his own feelings and they had nothing to do with me, in spite of the pain that followed. Thanks to attachment theory I have been able to forgive him, let go of the story and move on. Your work matters, man ❤ and no, that does not make someone a narcissist.

I wish I knew this in 2022. But it’s great to know that my DA does care.

It’s all on target! Nicely done. I just discovered attachment styles and I am shocked to find I am a dismissive avoidant, but it explains a lot. My way of dealing with arguments is to shut down, but then I can write it all out when I am by myself because I just can’t come up with a way to talk about my feelings when I am in an argument. I then can present it in writing later and try to talk it through at that time.

Love this !

I knew definitely my avoidant loved me but he also hurt me in the process ,at some point it felt like I was in his space when he is the one who invited me , he said terrible things about me and hated that I knew his flaws and accepted him. He wanted women who saw him in the light of being a secure person thereby cheating on me and deactivating so badly. But my dumb self still stayed out of fear and validation

thank you - yes - I've been in a relationship with an avoidant for almost 6 years -

My current avoidant lover literally took me out to lunch after breaking up with me and then called me to have breakfast next day. Then, during our second break up, he called me up two days later to see if I wanted to drink a few beers. Next thing I knew, we’re back together! That’s when I realized there is something off about my guy and found out why

I think you made some really truthful valid points and I really enjoy listening to your videos I have an avoident that I really adore and he is super regimented he doesn't go out of his routine except extremely rarely and so it makes it hard for him to accommodate or to meet me part of the way. He will sometimes squeeze me in his schedule but it's gotten rare I am not really sure how to approach him with the idea that if he wants to truly be friends solidly and then a relationship he needs to spend time with me. Tell me how to get to that step or how to approach that step with him

Thank You.. ♥️✨🙏

Thank you. I am listening. I am Anxious and seek healing and don't think I can take the Avoidant any more, but I will listen and learn hear.

I'm an avoidant and he is right we usually don't like to talk about problems that are not resolved because it takes energy out of us. And as per anxious attachment style they too are selfish because they care about themselves and the attention they are not getting from an avoidant . I personally do apologize to people that I care and love all the time.

So recently female DA broke up with me after an argument 2weeks ago. Said she didn’t want the relationship anymore. Right before that she had displayed all of these signs. We have not spoken since. Haven’t tried to honestly. Toughest break up ever because she unlocked my emotions as we bonded.

I broke up with someone over loading the dishwasher wrong 😂😂 I was 20- and it was the straw that broke the camels back. If I didn’t question the relationship then the dishwasher thing wouldn’t have affected me to that extent.

She told me "What else to you want...I give you 80% of my free time !!!"

But we’ve been together for a couple of months now, and I know he loves me. He just doesn’t give me words or hugs and kisses enough. Even so, I’m pretty happy. He’s reliable and generous with other things, and I love him. So yes, what you say on the video is accurate.

Thank u

Yes. They will apologize❤

My avoidant friend spend 1-2 days with me, I can be in his house for the whole weekend, but then we don’t see each other for a week or two , and doesn’t like to write text messages. When I am there. He loves to live alone, he loves his area to be clean… but i am anxious and I think I made him afraid because I spoke about the relationship, and I was running away after a great weekend 😢 I hope he understood me, because he knows I am anxious and full of emotions. One week gone , I’ll give him one more, and then I text him.

Flinging around word "toxic" is kind of toxic behavior in itself, but nowadays so many people do it. Without empathy. Avoidant people do have that, it's not like with narcissists, that can't take other feelings into consideration. And it hurts to hurt others. And all that, because somebody close broke that trust, and made someone avoidant. It's a trauma rooted in deep hurt, neglect of caregivers etc. By being judgmental, condemning and calling someone toxic and not knowing all the suffering someone has gone through is pretty cruel.

Why does compromise make avoidants get defensive or feel controlled or not good enough?

I truly did have love for my avoidant but I can't live like that. My late wife was more anxiously attached like i am and we made it work and we were eventually securely attached. I need someone to attach to me and make me feel like i matter to them. I've also learned to self love and fill up my own cup first before i expect someone to fill it up the rest of the way. Protect yourself and your feelings and needs first! At least ive learned from this experience what I DON'T want in a relationship!

I'm a DA been together with my FA husband for 24 years. We're secure with eachother, but I think my DA behaviours reach more to other relationships. Lack of trust, I think I become secure after long periods of time being able to feel safe and trust another person.

Hello Coach, this is my experience with a young DA lady. I am an old male. Age difference 24 years. 1. Give you time -- Yes definitely, lots of it when attraction is high or when my help is needed 2. Offer their space -- No, I am not welcome in her home due to "lack of space". 3. Give their resources -- Yes, offer to help and support me in any way. 4. Willingness to solve issues -- Yes, talk and fix issues to their wishes, of course. 5. They will apologize -- sometimes, but won't apologize for one-sided relationship issues. 6. Introduce you to family, friends, colleagues. -- Only to family. If I push for an introduction to close friends, the relationship is over. Probably fear of shame due to our age difference. 7. Consistent communication and initiative to set dates -- Yes, lots of communication and no problem with dates or initiation thereof. Thanks for your video.

Long story short: I was dating an FA for over 4 months, she has all the traits but i learned it too late. She cared of me, she did all the signs you mentioned in the video, and i truly cared for her. In the beginning of the dating she said that she needs her time and space, and so i let her time and space. She said that 2 times a week for her was a ton to see each other so i let her decide the pace of it, and i told her that for me was good. She also said that 4 months were not enough to know a person. She let me sleep at her house once in a week because she wanted to. I told her that we need to communicate in person to resolve minor issues and to not accumulate inside the problems. She texted me a lot in those 4 months, and for a lot i mean everyday and even 7/8/9 texts in a row and around 200 images in total, quite often she would "disconnect from the real world" and did accept it so i did not bother for a "longer" reply. I accepted as who truly was and i also told her that. She said that i was running too fast (i said that i cared about her like after 2 months in person, and she replied she needed time to open to me but after she said she cared too) and maybe have high expectation about this dating but i assure her that was just only my being and i did not have any high expectations. We continued to dating, i did not present her to my friends after 2 months cause she told me she did not feel it so i also accepted it. Never i obliged her to do something she did not want to do, or pressured her saying where she was or with whom. Unfortunately one night (i did not speak to her for about 9 hours, this never happened in the past, speaking about evenings and nights) and i was so worried about her well being, she told me she was out and will come back home as usual, but was radio silent. So i texted her "hey, are you safe and sound?", no reply, after 20 minutes i called her, still radio silent and after 10 minutes i texted her "i'm really worried please answer". Well, that escalated quickly, in the later phone call she told me that she was thinking tell me something for quite sometime and wanted to do it in person, she told me that she cared about me but she wanted her space, so in a calm manner i answered that was okay and i respected her decision. Few days passed and she texted me she wanted to talk, i agreed and we met each other. She apologized for her manners that night but did not feel to continue the dating. I told her my point of view of the dating using "I" statements and in the end i told her i respected her decision. First "discussion" we had in 4 months. Now 11 days passed and i'm still in no contact. I don't know what to do, please i need some clarity.

Hi, my name is Silas and my ex broke up with me. they are the avoidant person I think a dismissive avoidant after we broke up 1 tried to talk to them and find out why it a happened. They said was because they need to work on themselves and they said that their anger was coming came they did not want r me to see thats side of them. this was my first and there was first relationship in person with someone. it was both of ouri first longest relationships it was for 8 months. Aftert the break up we talk fora I Litle they said they wanted to stay friends but then one day they said think we should stop talking for a a while and that hurt and scared. me. they ended up blocking me on everything I ask my mom if she can ask them if there is a chance we can be friends or if they move on to tell me. what they said was they don't want anything to do with me and wanted me to move on. later that night I sent a message thinking they wouldn't be able to see it because they said they blocked me on everything. I was mad and it - was wrong for me to say what I said. I said "fuck fuck fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you. you never cared and you just fuking used me so you can make yourself feel better I and left because no one else had the balls to tell all you did was lie to my face and yourself so fuck you I wasted my life for you and that's sad I put every ng into that 8 relationship just for you to go nah im bored fuck you. I did everything and you didn't do jack shit all you wanted was a dumb like me to fallfor you". know is probably the a worst thing you have heard. i did not mean to say that I still care and love them very much and want to make things right want them to come back but I am ried they won't because of what i did. I really want to make them happy and be with them I want to make them feel safe but feel ike i lost that and that their trust won't com back. Ilove them so much. They were the first person I felt happy with I could be myself I want them. I don't know what to do so can you please help me? how can gett back or is there no hope thank you have a nice evening

Im still married to a Avoidant. Been separated for 2yrs now. Hes in a rebound relationship now for 1yr.He always still shows me signs he still care. He says he doesn't want a divorce yet .im working on myself n going no contact. We got back together for 11 months but separated again when i found out his rebound relationship. He's so confused so im giving him all the space he needs. Together 10 yrs married 6 yrs now.

My DA called me lazy when I didnt fix the bed the way he wanted...for example, he wanted me to put sheet on and put pillows on top of sheet wheteas I put sheet/blanket on top of pillows ..I said to him stop putting me down just tell me how u want to fix the bed...he told me and after I fixed it the way he liked it

As an avoidant I think it's bs because I apologize all the time and still see no appreciation for that fact. Not only do I apologize but I work to change the unintentional behavior that caused the situation. My issue is that the anxious partner never considers how hard it is to see them blame me for what seems like everything and not take any responsibility so if they don't see their faults why would I point them out? Just so we can argue more and spew more feelings all over the place? That doesn't make sense to me we can't both but upset and expect any solution. There behavior upsets me a lot, and the way I deal with it is to go to the other room and breathe. It hurts to think that I can't make space when emotions get too high. Like in order to prove i love them i have to cry with them? Crying is not comfortable for me. I make the space because I'm exhausted dealing with the expectation of being kind and not having anyone reciprocate that niceness. It can be a lot to be asked to solve everything and in the same breathe be asked to just listen and not solve anything as well it feels like im being lied to often because of the mixed signals they send me. 😅

Also it affects their children.

To all DAs and DAs partners, how long do you/they usually take to come back after pulling away? Or even deactivating? Would you reach out to them? Or leave them alone?

Isn't it strange that we think our personal attachment style is BETTER/NORMAL & doesn't need working on?😂❤ Avoidants are no worse than others

LOL….😂 😢😂😢 You loaded the damn dishwasher WRONG! Get out!! Pack ya shit up and get out!

1:56

.... until they decide they don't care anymore and walk away.

I need some help! I’m a female, later 40s. My avoidant is in his later 50s. I’m an introvert who has fallen in love with my avoidant. It’s been 9 months and he says he doesn’t want a serious relationship. I don’t want to live with anyone. He feels the same way. We spend at least one day out of every weekend together, since we’ve met. I’m not sure if he likes me a lot or if he actually loves me. HELP SOMEONE!

Is an avoidant similar to a narcissist?

well… what I register in this comments section is quite an enormous lot of self-righteous NT-ish emotional-ISTIC polemics / rhetorics. and I don‘t feel like having any of that anytime again close in life, in un-controlled fashion. senders of alike won‘t even be let into zone of interaction-based complaint. not registering loss relatedly, but be it as it may. to me, the list suggested in video seems to make some sense in graduation, while still being somewhat ‚academic‘ (as per above).

DA been living alone my whole life: 1. Accurate. My time is my own. I decide how to spend it. 2. Fuck. No. MY space is MY space. You don't get that unless you've a gun to my head. And even then pull the trigger before moving in. 3. No. That doesn't mean love. Resources and support should be practical. It's time and effort spent on NEEDED support that shows love. 4. Hate conflict. HATE emotions in a conflict. DESPISE the waterworks. 5. Yeah. I'll apologize but I gotta be wrong. I hate it but accountability does matter to personal growth. Final thoughts: these signs feel rather shallow as signs of caring and seem the more Extreme side of avoidant behavior.

Maybe the "Avoidant", had something to Avoid... Because with so many hateful- sounding, revengeful, unforgiving comments here, maybe the "Problem" is the people the Avoidant is picking.

It's the entitlement for me with others that make it easy for me to not give in. Being an avoidant having an entitled attitude towards me and my time is annoying. I don't have to do anything I don't wanna do and IF I CHOOSE too accept it and appreciate it. Don't nobody in life owe you anything. Period. Grow up. Smdh 🤦🏾‍♀️

Why are people so obsessed with avoidants? Abd keep on blaming the avoidant 💯. Did they lock you down in their basement for 2 years and forced you to love them while giving nothing much but a poker face and cancelled dates in return? Where is self accountability?

My comment is not about DA but the author’s lack of proper communication skills. He doesn’t enunciate words properly, says fill instead of feel etc. the baseball caps are also inappropriate- especially for someone that already has grey hair- they are disrespectful. Btw, one cannot “resonate with something”, it’s the other way around.

My DA partner only did 1 -3 Never wanted to talk about issues / conflict And never verbally apologized when he caused me heartache. He will just come & be really really nice & when I tried to brought things up, he wouldn't have it coz to him he didn't do anything wrong (working so hard to the point of stress & needing to take days of space which he never informed me) So if they only do half / part of what u said - means they don't love / like that much I guess? @iamcoachcoart anyone? Other than that, he's very critical & sometimes rude when he talks to me 😔 especially if I asked him too many questions *sigh...it's really really hard & disheartening. Most of the time I wonder what am I holding on to 😔😖