If my wife were to leave like my first wife did, it would be up to her to make the case to come back. If someone is unwilling or unable to be an open and honest partner and have a real give-and-take conversation where BOTH of us bring up our complaints and develop a plan to resolve them, are they really a quality partner you can count on? A wife that just walks away without having that heart to heart conversation must win her way back by demonstrating she's a team player and is able to productively hash out any issues. She must demonstrate that she can be trusted to be open, honest and faithful. Anyone short of that, it's better to let her go and get on with your life. You don't need a partner full of cowardice and lacking in character.

Don´t take them back, get a better wife over seas. I did, happy as can be, married 21 years to a lovely Thai woman.

Woo Stacey! Showing up on my feed again!! Lol

My wife left me.2 weeks after our 14th anniversary. Told me she wanted to get back together but she hasn't spoke to me in week. I can't even try to understand if she wants to come back.

Omg when the labrynth came on out of nowhere I get it because this is our favorite movie my wife and I and we even danced to the soundtrack on our wedding day.

All of this is confusing. I basically have to spend my entire life jumping through hoops to keep someone else happy. But I also hae to pretend I dont care about the person I chose to marry. I have to be attentive to her needs but also do whatever I want and always put myself first?

Owning up to it right away is big

My wife and I separated February 1st I moved out after 13 yrs 10 days later she spent the night with another man she says she didn’t sleep with him but wants to and really likes him and wants to date him 13 yrs and it only took 10 days incredible I still want her idk

This is gold, thank you!

Super Class

Nice 👍

@1:05 - Or, the wife just wasn't a good wife to start with, so the marriage reset is to simply not pick such a low quality life second time around. My anecdote is my first wife was a poor choice. Walled off and avoidant. After five years, we pretty much existed as roommates. After seven years, she was having an affair. Frankly, I went back and forth between wanting her and not wanting her. Ultimately, I didn't want her because she wasn't someone I could trust. YMMV I re-married four years later and we've been married 17 years, so it might just be if she leaves, she's doing you a favor. I cannot tell you. You have to figure this out for yourself. @1:48 - And, if there hasn't been an emotional connection for years, or worse, she's emotionally connected to another, it might be time to let her go. If she was emotionally distant for most of the marriage, is there really an emotional solution? After all, she's been keeping you at an emotional distance for years. So, you have to ask yourself, is there even a chance for an emotional solution with someone who has avoided emotional closeness for years? @2:45 - Indeed. It is an anxious time. Your family is in the balance. Totally agree, give space. @6:15 - Insightful investment. This can go both ways. Trying to win back someone who is NOT worth the effort. Part of being insightful is watching her behavior (not her words) to see if she's really someone you would have back. One might choose therapy or guidance from friends to have them expose and help you with any areas of personal weakness. Not with the goal of winning her back. Frankly, that's too short sighted. The goal is to be the best person you can be regardless the outcome. Divorce (pardon the pun) the work from an outcome. If the marriage is saved, fine. If not, you can be a better person even if that happens. So, the most insightful investment you can make is to make any work you do about building on you. Two possible outcomes are she sees your growth, appreciates it and she does the work she needs to do to come back. Or two, she either doesn't see it, or she's NOT doing the work and you realize that she's not really the one for you. She's exposed her character and puts all the blame on you for how she feels, taking no ownership of her own. If the latter is the case, do you really want her as your closest partner? Probably not. @7:45 - Real forgiveness. Before I watch this section, my initial thoughts are real forgiveness requires real remorse. Forgiveness is something we offer, but cannot force upon another. We can be willing to forgive. That doesn't mean we are willing to take them back. Or vice-versa. If you've done something that requires forgiveness, own it. That doesn't mean she will have you back in your life. That may be the natural consequences of what was done one to another. @10:16 - Fully own it! Cannot stress this enough. If you make a mistake, own it. Don't be defensive. Don't make excuses. Own it. Conversely, when considering if you would take her back, is she also someone who will fully own her stuff? If not, again, do you really want her back if she's unable to fully own her stuff. The best relationships are between two people secure enough to own their stuff and not make excuses for it. Therefore, fully owning it is something we need to see in BOTH people for a healthy relationship. @14:25 - Indeed. Be the good guy, not the nice guy. All the previous stuff boils down to this. If you cannot say no, your yes is meaningless. Be a good, kind guy, but not the nice guy. The nice guy is the one trying to buy love. The nice guy is putting coins into the relationship vending machine hoping to get something for being nice. There are times when it's not appropriate to be nice. If someone is attacking you and your date, the nice guy is the wrong play. It's time to bring out the dangerous good guy who can dispatch the threat. If she can walk all over her man, what would someone with more malicious intent do? That question has to be on her mind. @16:15 - Mind her emotions. It's not about the dirty dishes. Ask what's underneath this frustration. I have a great example of how this goes hand in hand with the nice guy above. The nice guy gets defensive when she is all in her emotions about how "you never help out..." and things like that. I recall a case five or so years ago with my wife where I'd just finished a week on standby. Subject to being called in 24x7. The last day, I was WFH and knocked out a fair bit of things around the house, dishes, vacuuming, laundry. I even mowed the lawn during a conference call. I went for a 50 mile bicycle ride the next day with the plan being we would go out after the ride. Well, she decided to clean up some of the clutter. (Everyone has a "chaos corner" in their home, right?) I let her get at it while I showered, etc. She was all upset that I didn't drop what I was doing and join in. No words from her, no asking if I'd join in. Just the unspoken expectation that I would. So when she blows up at me, I admit, I got defensive and gave her the laundry list of what I'd done the day before, not to mention all the call outs the past week. Her response was classic "some of that doesn't count because you enjoy it." True, but here is where the nice guy had to take a back seat. I said, "That's f'ed up." Notice, I didn't say SHE was, I said her idea was. The idea that my contributions don't count because I might enjoy some of them is an f'ed up idea. To her credit, she Fully Owned It and said yes, what she just said was indeed f'ed up. But that cleared the way to have a real conversation about it. A conversation about how she was stressed at times. A conversation about I might need a day after the standby week to unwind. A conversation about how my contributions do have value even if I enjoy pushing the mower and listening to a podcast or being clever by taking a con-call while I'm mowing. It was a fine balance between yes, you can feel that way, but no, I won't let you attack me simply because you have strong feelings. If you want to have a more respectful conversation, I'm better able to hear what you are feeling. If you just want to be "right" then go yell about it on your own. I will listen to your big feelings. I will not be your emotional punching bag when you have big feelings. @17:40 - Indifference to the outcome. You are going to be better regardless what she does. She can get on-board with you, or go her own way. It's her decision. These are also good tips to examine if you really want her. As I've said, if she gives the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you line" believe her. I'm sure there are things you can do to improve. But dig deeper. There is a good chance she's in love with someone else. In the case of my ex-wife wife back in 2003, I got the ILYBINILWY line from her. She had the "affair" phone and her behavior had changed. She was in full blown affair. To be honest, I was going back and forth. I actually told her that if she wanted a divorce, we can do this quickly. Here is the state's child support formula, this is what you would get. You see, we had been roomates for the past two years. I'd pretty much stopped trying because she was behind her walls and unwilling or unable to come to the table and have a discussion about what she wanted or needed. I was already that largely independent person. After 5 years of trying to get her to come out from behind the walls she built, I simply stopped trying. I had my hobbies, friends and work. I'd give her first right of refusal of my time. She was invited to come along. If she said no, I'd go without her. So, when I got the speech, there was some panic. I was a working dad and she had been, until the past 6 months, a SAHM. She was having an affair with a man she met at work. Ultimately, what I wanted was to keep the family intact. When I was honest with myself. I certainly didn't want her if it was going to be more of the same for the past 7 years. This is why I always ask men who have a WAW, would you want her today knowing what you now know about her? If not, or at least not who she is today, then what are you really chasing after? Are you chasing her, or the fantasy vision you have of her? If it's a fantasy vision, or you are just afraid of what will happen if you divorce, then don't be afraid and don't chase something that isn't real. Sometimes, when she leaves, it's really her who has to win you back. I'm not saying the men don't have work to do. I'm saying don't take any more than is yours on your shoulders. Don't believe her words. Only actions count. If she does share, thank her for sharing. Validate how she feels. I mean be sincere. If she says she's confused, just say things like "I can see how this might be challenging" or something that validates how she feels. And that's it. Don't lecture, don't solve, don't advise, just validate. Only she can decide if she wants to continue life with you or not.

Where is the link?

Horse before the carriage here. Choose someone who gets you and seeks to understand you and you do the same. So long as that is your foundation you will always have a relationship with them. Then the only thing you need is chemistry and at the right time.

It's not worth it