A Covert Narcissist's pretending game: 1. Let's pretend I am really in to you... 2. Let's pretend I do care about you... 3. Let's pretend I am so empathetic... 4. Lets pretend I am so compassionate... 5. Let's pretend I am so very helpful... 6. Let's pretend I do have future plans with you... 7. Let's pretend I am so humble... 8. Let's pretend I am so clumsy... Just kidding because in fact... 1. I am just mirroring you for I can not see you 2. I do not care about anybody than myself 3. I can only be empathetic in a cognitive way as long as I want to and I am totally unaware and unable of emotional empathy 4. I can only be compassionate about myself 5. I need you for my surviving because supply is the only thing to survive 6. I just need to feed my ego for this moment 7. I am omnipotent 8. This is a good strategy to hook you for my hidden agenda - I am so clever in my game.

THEY EXPECT YOU TO ALWAYS BE THERE FOR THEM. THEY WILL NEVER BE THERE FOR YOU.

When a covert starts to do something for you.... RUN. Do not accept the favor. If they do anything nice, it's only because they plan on using that kindness to manipulate you in the future.

It's jarring when you see beyond their game & trust is obliterated. The ability to trust in general from thereon is tarnished.

Game Over Narcissist Once a snake always a snake

My mother is the textbook definition of a covert narcissist being what I call “nice nasty.” They insult you while trying to be sugar, sugar at the same time. Anything they say is a lie and they reel you in pretending to care but once they have you the real meanness and narcissist comes out and you’re thinking “who are you?”

Narcisists are great preteners. Interactions with them feel fake and draining. Thank you dr Carter.

Authenticity is KEY to recognizing them. Actions speak louder than words, for sure. But their words also give them away, when you realize how two-faced they really are. Someone that talks smack about you or others behind their back is a RED FLAG.

They tend to tell stories, especially the ones in which they were supposedly wronged, in a one-sided half-truth way, omitting any details about how they might have contributed to the incident. It is only when the other party also tells you the story, you understand the whole story. After telling you the story, narcissist often tries to forbid you to talk to the other party. They want to have a master-slave relationship with people. That is why they cannot handle self-confident people, because those people refuse such a relationship.

“I’D DO ANYTHING IN THE WORLD FOR YOU!” Except work, help take care of our home, help pay our bills, or anything else. Except play video games all day and night.

“Narcissists: the only people whose love leaves you less confident, confused and unhappy as the relationship progresses.” -@understandingthenarc

It can become kind of saddening when the narcissist in one's life completely and deliberately ignores your intelligence in hope that you *do* see what is clearly happening. In this type of situation the narcissist will pretend right to your face as they try to lure you into an argument that they are designing in real time. The narcissist may try to pretend that you are not understanding them or what they are trying to say. Even when you repeat their words back to them showing that you in fact do understand, they will still persist with their charade because they are in desperate need of supply. 1- refuse to allow them to upset or anger you 2- always refrain from an overly emotional response Always remember: people who possess a strong sense of integrity will typically refuse to allow anyone to tamper with it, so stay strong.

The positive aspect of having dealt with a narcissist is that I was able to quickly recognize the next one. My suggestion is to trust your intuition and judgment ❤

Exactly, "covert pretentious narcissists tend to be poor listeners. They may seemingly be interested in who you are but inevitably they have a way of either bringing the topic back to themselves, to their favourite topics or they'll just move on to something that they feel more comfortable with. They don't really want to know you at a real full level unless they are gathering facts that they are going eventually use against you."

The Angelic Mother, the love bomber, the Choir Director. The Secret Sadist, the rage punisher, the Micro Manager.

If you confront a narcissist about their behavior all they do is wait until you say something you care about so they can use it to manipulate you. When they hear the first thing you care about they think 'Yes! I got something I can use to win this conversation!'

This is my life. They are so defensive, so paranoid, so on edge. I think they find anyone who has been loved and makes them feel not worthy of love. It is a weird, selfish, hypocritical game where everyone loses. Everyone loses.

After the initial shock of seeing through them and their pretense their charades actually become hilarious although frustrating. They really believe their own BS.

Covert narcissist also disguised as a simple, shy and poor guy next door who needs to be protected, helped and taken care of- that's how he exploits your vulnerability- through your naturally empathy and compassion.

Covert narcissists will suck the life out of you. Once you recognize them, run for the hills and don't look back. 😁

This was my mom. It took me well into my 50s to understand what in the world was happening between us.

Let's pretend you can trust me, that you can depend on me because I have your best interests at heart 🥸🤥😈

The speed with which they completely change their mind about people is the sure sign of their pretend game. From all bad to perfect if they have a new use for you, and when you try to remind them of their previous attitude, they flatly deny ever saying that, asking you if you’re ok while (for once) looking you straight in the eye 😮

Plausible deniability is a foremost skill set. The Jeopardy Approach is a favorite; asking questions that presume something insulting within the wording, then claiming they're just curious. Pretending they're not projecting something awful onto you so they won't be held accountable for simply saying it. Believe they are in the superior position to expose who you truly are when the nonsense is all in their own head.

Now I see how the "let's pretend" game allows the narcissist to not tell a lie (because he's SO all about being truthful, lol), yet at the same time NOT being truthful.

So true ... after 35 years of saying absolutely *nothing* to my narcissistic mother-in-law and putting up with her verbal abuse I finally told her-- back in 2021, that I was tired of being criticized by her. She immediately acted surprised and said "What?!" ...and her tone of voice screamed 'I'm a victim' ... so she pretended not to know what I was talking about and asked how she criticized me. So I had to repeat what she had *just* said to me, and now she's laughing and saying "oh my, guess I need to speak more carefully to you lol!" ...yeah *laughing* at me hahaha. And then she said "you're too sensitive." And she never acknowledged being critical but attempted to flip everything around on me along with *more* criticism, and that's when I decided I'd had enough of her nonsense. I realized I wasn't ever going to get through to her. So I blocked her number. I didn't tell her I blocked her. But my husband called his mom and asked her not to call me anymore -- to only call him. And then when she called him she continued to play the victim and whine, like I'd done something wrong by not wanting to take her verbal abuse anymore and that I was "hurting her" because I wouldn't talk to her, oh boo-hoo; when, in fact, all these years she was hurting me. So bizarre how covert narcissists think and operate.

If you hooked a narc up to a Lie Detector machine, it would short circuit & start smoking.

"Let's pretend I'm nice". He's not! I'm tired of having regrets about stupid decisions I keep making. I want to move forward, but keep slipping back. So stressed.

One of the best statements, that I found sorrowing and at the same time hilarious: "For the covert narcissist, honesty is optional." Very, very good and on point! My mother is a covert and at the same time vulnurable and kind of malignent narcissist. I spent almost 40 years till I realized, that 'the problem' was never me. It is hard work to understand, that I never was 'bad', 'egocentric', 'coldhearted', 'dirty', 'disigning' and so on ... an endless list of adjectives pinned on one self, that take decades of therapy and work to get rid of. I think, that I will never get rid of all of these things, but I think, I am able zu turn the volume of the voices in my head down, that throw these things towards me. Going no contact was also very helpfull, but since a few weeks she is seeking my company again - seems to me, I have to set more and clearer boundaries. By the way, I love your lovely dog in the back of the video. Such a sweetheart.

This whole talk is spot on, and not easy to identify at the time it's happening.

Today, I'm going with "dishonest: Some of his behavior may be pretend. Some of it is just plain dishonest. Today, I'm trying to get myself to remember "dishonest"

Never saw it coming. Held in disdain, passive-aggressive behaviors endlessly & gaslighting is his pride & joy.

Another example of a “complement” is: you look pretty good, for your age.

The narcissists in my life have been playing the pretending game ever since the "family system" has been set up. I need to steer myself clear from it as well as other "games" they will try to pull me into to keep me trapped as the family scapegoat. As the moto DoctorRamani always say, "You can't win". Just avoid playing a narcissist's game at all to escape from them.

Let's pretend I didn't mistreat you so you can focus on how sorry you should feel for me.

Narcissist: "Let's pretend I love you."

It is very upsetting to watch orhers fall under their spell knowing there is nothing you can do about it because they are just as blind and jaded as you were.

This is so true: "they want you to stay confused about your understanding of things so that they can fill you with them and their way of doing things".

A narcisst parent or sibling will exploit their own child or sibling.

Their pretence is so real even the mask is fake!!!

I'd take my elderly narc mother to the local senior center weekly and I was appalled at the LIES she would tell them right in front of me about her health to gain their sympathy no doubt. I always kept my mouth shut but I was appalled!! I went no-contact 1 year ago.

They purposefully misunderstand you, they want to keep you confused, they are empty souless miserable things that enjoy your pain. Abusive people are an absolute disgust to the human race. Don't play their game they have no limits. Go no contact and focus on your healing. Stop attracting these monsters ❤

I feel like in gaining more knowledge about the narcissist personality type we also end up learning more about many of the people currently in positions of power as these types of people are attracted to positions of power and prestige as flys are attracted to doo doo. This personality type is found in a higher number of politicians, CEOS, high ranking government types, FBI, CIA, NASA etc. Unfortunately, there seems to

What a conundrum? The loving, caring, quiet, humble, understanding, empathetic, authentic, honest, knowledgeable, nice, capable, altruistic, got-your-back best friend.....NOT!!!! It is so eye-opening for me to learn the truth about these pretentious, unhealthy, sad people. I will stay on my path of peace. Dr. C., thanks for covering the covert end of this spectrum.

Thank you Dr C! This really hit home. In my personal experience recently, the narcissist said, I never liked you. I was never comfortable around you. But I tried and it didn’t work. Aka-you failed my test. The Truth: the narcissist pretended. They did not try. They lied.

Thank you. Dr. Carter. I've been watching your videos for quite some time. You have saved my life and sanity. My mother is a covert narcissist. She is in her 80's now, and I'm so healed, thanks to you, it's almost easy to deal with her now and there is no more pain for me. Just a gripping in my stomach when she starts up. Boy, what a huge waste of a lifetime narcissists suffer and so much pain and destruction in their wake.

Thank you for all your help with understanding more about these nasty narcissists. My ex man friend is a covert narcissist and they are mixed up humans. He did so many strange things. Going away with him was horrible as he never seemed to be able to have fun. He would help me at my house but not want to spend time with me, weird. I would be chatting and he never listened to what I had to say, he even laughed and said he never listens to a women. We would go out and unless I spoke it was just silence. He never wanted to try new things. Very quick to anger. We have not been together for a while now and it really has taken a lot of my confidence away. My wish is that people listen to this type of information and if they think they are with any type of narcissist, RUN.

I used to be nostalgic and very romantic...but my wife beat that out of me. The thought of romance right now makes me want to puke.

The dog in the back living it's best life . I love it .

The backhanded compliment, *the good deeds bank account*, the passive aggressive lack of follow through, the exaggerated blow his/her own horn, the public persona so everyone else thinks you’re nuts when you tell them how they really are, the super defensiveness, the lack of listening for real, only for fodder, the half truths. Yep, married that…

Throughout receiving help from you Dr C, I flowed from dealing with my narc ex to realizing that my older sister is one. My father died in August, and she informed me that I was not in the will. She had him change it when he started having dementia. It really hurt me, but she has her reward. And I am no contact with her too and am on the recovery road Thank-you!❤

Dr Carter, I hope that you won't laugh at me like many other therapists have done, but I realized "This is me" before I was two (I think). My mother had been gaslighting me ss long as I can remember. My very earliest memory is of her badmouthing me to someone (I think my father) and who she was describing was so off base that I thought to myself, "I'm not that little girl. I'm THIS little girl. I'm ME." Later in life, many psychologists have told me that it is a miracle that I am as sane as I am, given what my parents gave me to work with.

I appreciate how much attention you pay to covert narcissism on this channel. I was the scapegoat of a covert narcissistic mother. I cannot imagine a worse hell to go through.

Sometimes can't you just say to narc husband "you're so full of excuses? I'm tired". I really want to. But.....we know how it ends. Geez. Exhausting! I'm learning though. So glad to find you and other resources. Can't leave him. It's complicated 🙄. I'm 61. All these years truly thought it was me. After therapy for myself for the last 5? Discovered it's not just MY shortcomings as he led me to believe. Now just bobbin' and weavin' to the finish line . Regrets? I have a few 😉.....wishing is not an option. Must now move forward and make the best of what's left. Radical acceptance. Being my best healthy self, always on alert for baiting and pitfalls. Know what's missing? The anxiety/dread of each dawning day. And THAT feels good. ❤️.

1. compliment while complaining (backhanded compliment) 2. Seem to be interested but there's no follow up - shallow. Or want something in return for helping you 3. make excuses for their mistakes, want to be seen as ideal. 4. make exaggerated false promises - no sencerity 5. extremely concerned about public image 6. very thin skinned - ready to be offended 7. have exaggerated need to appear pleasing - with hidden agenda 8. are poor listeners 9. tend to tell half-truths to make another person look bad 10. must be in the superior position 8.

My wife pretends she doesn’t initiate any of the arguments and claims everything is started by me. Yes, I sometimes do initiate things by addressing how I’m hurt by her actions. Of course I’m out of line sometimes, but she has me thinking I I might be the narcissus.

Thanks as always Dr C! I always have a sense of relief watching your videos💯 They ground me and remind me I'm not the one in the wrong when experiencing ongoing gaslighting! I would also like to thank the sweet little gentleman Gus!🥰 Just calmly laying there, he provides much comfort and happiness❤🐶

Just say No and see what happens.

I dealt with a covert narcissist for about 2 months. Lovebombing the first month and breadcrumbing the second with a lot more gaslighting and manipulation than in the lovebombing phase. A lot of lying throughout the relationship. I even told him he wasn't a good liar. Even if I believed him, he was sloppy with small lies and you cannot hide the big ones forever. When you ask questions that require some emotional insight, the answer is always ridiculous, as if you're talking to a petulant child. I went no contact and also cut ties with another man that raised many red flags. I was not going to wait and to find out if he was another covert narcissist for sure on that one. Never again for me. 🙅

Let’s not pretend anymore! THANK YOU, DR CARTER!

Im starting to realize that im dating a covert narcissist. The first red flag was when she threw a tantrum that I took s picture of an art piece instead of her. I should have dropped her like a hot rock right then and there. I kept hoping she would get sick of me and dump me but she actually wants me this way. I'm starting to see that you just have to cut and run, absorb whatever debt because its worth it in the end

7:45 that's correct for me too. Whatever you say they act like you attacked. You solely talking on a subject can become an attack 🤯

This is my Dad. It's hard because you only see the nasty side if you're a woman who is 'disobedient' and don't do what he wants. So many people worship him and think he's the best and I'm some terrible human.

Thanks you dr C for being so explicative. You just descrived my mother in 10 minutes and you don't even know her. I can't imagine how many people you did saved by sharing your light with us about this very serious disorder. It would be wonderful if one day you can make a video for those of us suffering from a single narcissistic parent. Especially the mother. Thanks again for the healing dr C!!

Thank you for these videos, Mr. Carter. That first thing "They come of/present themselves as broken" Is exactly what happened. He told me straight out "I'm broken" I thought he was only depressed, then autistic but no, he really was completely broken, I have never seen anything like it before or after and it's been 2 years now. He wasnt exagerating or making it up; he was *completely* broken.

Definitely felt duped and played.

He made me out to be so damaged, he said I had to bring my walls down and he was only there to help. Told me he had addressed and healed from all his traumas. What he meant was I had to trust him and rely on him so that he could destroy my life behind my back. A few weeks before I finally got him out of my home he confessed he had never done any work on his traumas. He said it so casually. Just like Ted bundy told his wife he had killed all the women, as soon as he needed to buy himself time to stay alive and get more appeals. After maintaining his innocence the entire time and this being the foundation of their marriage It was one of the ways I actually began trusting him because he lied to me like that..... Never again

My former boss was a Great Pretender and now that I've had a few years to reflect, it really is creepy how she would emulate, imitate, and copy other people including myself. (Often taking the credit for our work, our ideas, or our suggestions in the workplace.) I remember we traveled together for work or would often attend conferences or go out to eat. She told me on a few occasions how she notices how I treat people and how I am always professional and respectful with them. If I had a nice conversation with an Uber driver or a server and I left a big tip for them, she would later say out loud, more to herself than me. "I need to be more like you and engage in conversation with them. I need to compliment them more and be posiitive. And I need to always leave a good tip, like you do." I would just nod and smile, not knowing what to say. After a while, I noticed she would often quote something I said, word for word in her meetings and speeches. She imitated others as well. It was so weird! As if she had to take on the personalities and positive qualities of others because she lacked these qualities.

Yes, Doc. C, they are masterful pretenders. Excellent piece. Thank you. It takes a while to figure them out. I'm guilty of giving people the benefit of the doubt even after I've seen what is clearly malignant covert narco-pathy! You sometimes cannot believe anyone can be so devious, evil, and obsessed with jealousy and surreptitious hatred, which actually applies to everyone around them. When you recognize it, the manifestations present more often, but their facade is unbelievably convincing to others.

I’m flabbergasted by the correlation of this video to my experience. Then i remember; I’m watching DrC.

Dr. C. Thank you!! This video take me back. My mother had a Black belt in Silence, so when the Narcissist husband came with this, what he didn't realize was that I have learned at an early age to just remove myself from sight and focus on things that interested me. Reading was my outlet, and lost myself in the book. It mostly aggravated both of them. But I continued this but they never learned. Of course they can't....I understand that now. Kept my Peace intact and learned much along the way. You are much Appreciated!!!!

You are so right. My Mother who is a flaming narcissist, went berserk when I objected to her having my boyfriend use Roundup on her yard because there is a $27 billion dollar lawsuit against the company for all the people who have been poisoned by that insecticide.Many of them died. She then called the police, and told them I was trespassing in her house, and tried to get them to arrest me. I am a retired RN with an immaculate record, and convinced the police not to arrest me. They said I had to leave the house immediately and not return. We had flown from Florida to Tenn., and did not have our car. We had planned to fly back to Florida the next day. She told the police she would pay for a motel. She drove us all the way to Nashville, an hour away, and refused to pay for the motel. She then had a major accident in which her car was totaled and we all were almost killed. She hit three other cars and almost ran into a transformer. Then Of course I got blamed for the accident. These people are dangerous psychopaths who will destroy your life or kill you to get vengeance for their delusions.

One of the big signs for me, in retrospect, was the inordinate need to know a lot of detail from my past. It was ultimately used as a weapon against me.

My neighbor walks over to me gardening .. nice garden , I hope it lives 😵‍💫

Their "excuses" are valid. Yours are not.

Dear Doc. C (& Gus!), as always, it's really truly like you're describing my family! So very grateful to you😊🧡

This was excellent,thank you❤ As a deep empath, I kept attracting narcissists. I always thought I was the problem😂 Now, i know better! Thank you for being here, Im learning so much!!! I am happy to report, I am single...and not dating😅 I'm living in true peace, ahhhhh!

I have watched a lot of narcissistic videos but I've never related as much as this one. When I was dating my husband he said "you can believe everything I say, you can trust me, I've got your back,"

I just wanted to make a comment about genuinely, chronically ill people here...especially ones with 'invisible illnesses'...they can, at times come across as being a covert Narcissist, because their World often becomes very small...and even though well intentioned, cannot follow through', due to ill health. Also people with Complex PTSD can come across as self-absorbed..as they are in 'survival mode'...it would be great Dr C...if you could make a video about decifering who the 'actual victim/target' is...as sometimes it's hard to tell...especially when DARVO is employed! Thank you for your ongoing, insightful work Dr C...you are such a calming, clear voice when dealing with the 'mindf#%* ery that is narcissism!

VERY poor listener. If I phoned, they had no time to talk, until they started talking about themselves. If I switched the topic back to me, again, "No time!', but if I changed it back to them, they would yak for another half hour. It was predictable as a light switch! Then I got blamed because they didn't get their housekeeping done!!!!!

Thankfully, Dr Carter and Dr Ramani provide KZfaq channels for understanding narcissism and forming healthy responses, in a supportive community. We need to know what situations we are moving away from, and then, also, we need to have a vision of the new spaces we are moving toward, gaining a firm and confident pull toward personal growth and initiatives that bring joy, creativity, productivity, and gratitude. On KZfaq I’ve found content creators that share experience and expertise in areas that interest me. I believe as you begin giving back, you move from survivor to thriver. If this is a journey, I want to keep moving.

husband left to go dancing-- three hours away-- immediately after my mom' s funeral.

This accurately describes my now ex partner. Unfortunately I was with them for 6 years age 50-56, they held all the power, decisions and finance. He is a multimillionaire with a Ferrari, Porsche, Tesla, 3 million pound home (which we built together but he financed), 2 holiday homes and a boat and promised me marriage and commitment. I found out he was subscribed to a local gay hook up site and once I stopped conforming to his agenda he dropped me like a sack of potatoes and is offering me a financial settlement that is the same value as his speaker system and TV. I am seeking therapy through betterhelp, first appointment later today 😢. It’s been horrific and devastating but I feel better knowing it’s not me, so thank you for this episode. It’s one interesting story and I might tell it to warn other vulnerable women 😮 God Bless you all and take care and be kind ❤

Thank you Dr. C.🤗

Watching and learning from your videos makes me realize how complicated people are, how exhausting & draining it can all become, self evaluation included. But the good news - it helps one truly appreciate how rare and extremely valuable a right relationship of any type is, when and if you finally find and have one. I am grateful to know those differences!

" I will always have your back." = Boy you better be on your guard!

Oh I have just spotted this ,and ... that's it, I'm out.. Thank you Dr. C..

Thank you Dr.C I think this is probably what my narc mother in law was. I didn’t realize what was going on for 8 years. It wasn’t until I was older and with more life experiences that I began to notice things. In the end she did do a lot of damage. 2 people almost lost their lives because of her evil games. I was lucky enough to see some divine Justice in the end but I’ll never be the same again. 8 years of so much pain but thank God for healing. I am doing better now however I am not the same. Left with scars both emotionally, mentally and physically. Through your videos I am continuing my healing journey as I always say on your comment section. May you and Gus continue in good health and lots of blessing be poured on you. I hold you dear in my heart and hope one day to run into you and Gus to express my gratitude in person ❤

Someone in my life has this personality disorder. Every single video is 100% accurate!

Questions or being questioned? 90-95% will remain unanswered (mostly the relevant ones) and if some of the questions were too irritating or daring then wait for a sophisticated and nasty retaliation. How did you dare?!

It took me over 2 years to sort out all of the many levels of dishonesty that went on in my relationship with the narc. Thanks to channels like this one, I was able to heal through all of the self evaluation and evaluation of the relationship. I’ve been left feeling no longer angry and no longer afraid to have friendships with people, but still cautious and also able to recognize the signs of a narcissistic person during interactions. This has allowed me to be kind in social situations and choose more carefully who I let into my life on a close level.

Your words are way to kind for these monstrous individuals that are absolutely all in for themselves. They care less about anything or anyone but themselves true energy vampires that feed off of good peoples empathy and emotions..

thank you very very much. you're such a wise man and Teacher! greetings and love from Ukraine!

My mom: Master chameleon Master manipulator

Im 24 years old and im just realizing my mom is a covert narcissist, my mind is blown and yet everything’s starting to make so much sense

The weight of surviving the wreckage of a life destroyed beyond the ability to bare has taken it's toll

One of his reasons for divorcing me is i failed to thank him for his PAST help towards my kids, before asking FOR help for my kids.

Another awesome video, Dr. C. I am saving this one to watch again. Spot on... the great pretenders they are! They truly are the "fake flakes" of society... at least that's how I refer to them. Their pretending or faking becomes so obvious and putrid all at the same time.

When my ex-narc shouted and throw his papers down in mediation "THAT'S IT I CAN'T AFFORD THIS DIVORCE" I simply said " ok I don't mind going into the public arena I have nothing to hide" he then sat down speechless.

No follow through, but he can do the very things he says he'll do with me, he'll do with others.