A Weird Part of Transitioning As an Adult

Рет қаралды 31,822

3 жыл бұрын

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There are a lot of pros--and cons--to coming out as trans and starting to transition as an independent adult. I think I might start a whole series on the topic, in fact. But first, I wanted to share a weird phenomenon I've noticed in myself and see if any other trans or queer folks who came out as adults have experienced it as well.
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Пікірлер: 309

@jackisnotabird 3 жыл бұрын

I’ve got a lot of thoughts about transitioning as an adult and aging as a trans person. I feel like we don’t talk about this side of things as much. Would you be into more videos on this sort of topic?

@miguel-h 3 жыл бұрын

Of course!

@faktsutso 3 жыл бұрын

yes pls!!!

@autumnwuffyentertainment4954 3 жыл бұрын

Oh my goodness I'm glad somebody else feels this way! I felt so weird about this for the past five years of my transition that this is such a relief to hear someone else experiencing it. Thank you for making the video and making me feel somewhat typical cash and yes I would feel comfortable sharing my own thoughts and feelings and diving deeper into this as well

@docmarmalade5224 3 жыл бұрын

Thank you for sharing. This makes me realize how lucky I am, since my son is transitioning as a teen at home.

@cyriel_g6110 3 жыл бұрын

Yes, totally!

@milesmcintosh8397 3 жыл бұрын

My role in the family has changed completely. It’s funny because they still deadname me and call me by female pronouns but now I am more respected and asked opinions. Things typical of a male. I am also expected to be more interested in traditionally male things more. My mother cried because she said she could not give me her jewelry because men cannot wear jewelry. Which, of course is garbage because I LOVE jewelry and have no shame in wearing it but my mother does not want me looking “gay”. So now we have homophobia in the house that we did not previously have. I feel super weird when they call me by my deadname. I don’t even respond like it’s my name. It does not feel like me. My extended family feels that my pre-transitioned self has died. They are apparently mourning her. I was always me dude. Nothing has changed. It’s so bizarre.

@salemsurns9449 3 жыл бұрын

yes! I felt incredibly weird when i visited my brother and he called me "he" and referred to me as his brother, even though it feels more correct. I feel weird being around my family because I was always the granddaughter, the sister, the niece etc. glad to know I'm not the only one, it made me question if I was actually trans bc it felt so weird.

@danielpajda5219 3 жыл бұрын

Yeah its definitely weird for me too. Like my family is finally starting to address me as he and my name that its weird. Because im so used to it. Still haven't been called brother yet😅 or like anything in that department. But its definitely weird and made me question as we'll.

@odincarlston3144 3 жыл бұрын

I feel you. I have two younger sisters who are quite a bit younger than me but we're also pretty close. They mostly say "sibling" to refer to me now, but I relate pretty heavily to the social role of "older sister," even though I'm a nonbinary trans guy. I think it's mostly because of how different "older sister" is seen in a societal context compared to "older brother". I think it's good to remember that as trans people we're inherently gender rebels, so we can really be anything we want to be. Like, I can be a guy and an older sister. Those things don't have to be contradictory.

@offdooty 3 жыл бұрын

I’m so glad I’m not alone in this. Christmas was SO weird.

@jackriver8385 3 жыл бұрын

The weirdest thing for me is that I have kids and I'm nearing thirty, yet I'm about to go through puberty. Feels like I have to balance being a teenager and being an adult, and like time just goes different.

@faktsutso 3 жыл бұрын

you look like the remus lupin i always wished for :o

@jackisnotabird 3 жыл бұрын

Highest compliment you could pay me!

@squish6674 3 жыл бұрын

This is honestly how I would describe him-

@anaisabelpais7389 3 жыл бұрын

Just add some grey in his hair, and Jackson could totally be the 'though quite young looking' 33 year old we all love

@TheValkyriekat 3 жыл бұрын

@@jackisnotabird are you INFP like Remus? I’m INTJ, Snape. Have a smoking goblet of Wolfsbana Potion.

@eldritchbf8223 3 жыл бұрын

@skyclaw 3 жыл бұрын

More like Jackson _Beard_, amirite?

@rwyke1 3 жыл бұрын

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 well done!

@ApollosDagger 3 жыл бұрын

If you make this a series, I’d love to see a video on dealing with the loss of childhood as a trans person. What I mean by that is for example that I never got to experience playing football with my brothers because they didn’t want to play “with a girl” or how I never got to learn how to shave from my father. Little things like that add up, things that would have been different if I was a cis guy. I struggle with that a lot, I get really sad sometimes, mourning that loss. I’d first of all would really like to know if other trans people feel the same way and how they manage to deal with that.

@sweetemotion707 3 жыл бұрын

Know that a lot of what you’re imaging is idealized. That helped me. There are huge downsides to boyhood too. Might help?

@mossie_witch8220 3 жыл бұрын

Im not even out of child/teen-hood yet and i feel that so much much

@danielpajda5219 3 жыл бұрын

Yeah I feel the same. Thankfully I'm the oldest and my brother's are still pretty young, and hopefully my dad will be able to teach me those things in a few years

@bills-beard 3 жыл бұрын

I feel that. Personally, I've just committed to reliving all the experiences I missed. Asked my dad to teach my how to shave, reconnected with my brothers to bond over games and sports, ask for boyhood gifts each holiday (like trimmers and ties and boxers). Sure, it's not EXACTLY the same, but I'm doing it all anyway, damn it!

@jamieisnotokay3298 3 жыл бұрын

I also struggle with this. I'm not even out. I feel like the longer I wait, the more seconds that tic by I'm just loosing more time that I could be living as my true self in. I want to come out so bad, but I don't because I know what will happen. And I'm scared of what will happen, because it will always be extremely painful for me. Even though I won't be in danger, I know I'll be invalidated. I know ny soul will be crushed. I know they wont understand. I want to, but I put it off because there's no "deadline". No "well i have to do it sometime" because I don't. I just have to go through so much pain either way. I feel trapped.

@CattyAttie 3 жыл бұрын

I, a trans woman, came out 2 weeks before my 32nd bday, and the thing I have the most trouble with my family regarding old habits, is my voice. For some reason when I talk to my old friends and especially my family, I fall into the habit of speaking like I used to and struggle with using and maintaining my more fem voice. I don't have this problem with new folks, but yeah, I think I get what you mean with the old habits. And yeah, the distance and lack of interaction has kept it a slow transition with my family. Still have trouble with how they address me, mom is still having trouble understanding it (or believing that trans people are valid...), but as we've talked a lot about it I feel she might be getting closer. Anywho, yeah, there are a lot of challenges specific to accepting yourself and coming out later in life, and it'd be good to see more conversations about it.

@danielpajda5219 3 жыл бұрын

I can relate to this, granted, I'n only 16. I notice that my voice is deeper and more masculine around people ive met through my transition and being socially transitioned (I'm pre-T). But when im with family or classmates and peers that ive been seeing for years and been going to school with since i was 5, my voice tends to become higher and more.. Girly? It hurts because I usually pass just fine if im out in public outside of school. But in school not so much😒

@gladysmueller5062 2 жыл бұрын

Ah, a thirty something year old man with an anime avatar he found on Reddit. Totally feminine.

@ollymiles 3 жыл бұрын

I definitely understand this feeling. I came out at 28 and started physically transitioning a year later. It has been hard to get used to my family using my name and gendering me correctly. I live w my partner who has been w me every step of the way through my transition and sees me everyday and our relationship is completely different than with me and my family. I’m really close to my family and they have been supportive pretty much from day one, but I can tell they’re still adjusting, even though it’s been over two years since I came out, because I never actually see them. It’s almost an uncomfortable feeling, but I know it’s just because major changes like this take time. It’s also been so bizarre because I “pass” as a man 100% of the time to strangers, but my family still slips up and misgenders me sometimes which is incredibly jarring because it essentially never happens in my day to day life for anyone to perceive me as a woman.

@luckey1126 3 жыл бұрын

I feel if I have a lot of family around when I leave , I plan on officially coming out to them when I leave and start transitioning afterwards, I feel I will have a similar experience. However, my family is quite against transgender people and anyone in LGBTQ+ community. So it should be interesting lolol.

@leroyMXII 3 жыл бұрын

Same!!

@iminaphase 3 жыл бұрын

What you said about the experience of your brother calling you "brother" resonated with me. I'm nb, and the word "sibling" is so clinical. It only makes it feel more ridiculous to know that my brothers used to have a normal, familial name for my relationship to them. Similarly to what you said, I took on that nurturing daughter/sister role with pride. However, I am very uncomfortable with the implications those words have beyond our family unit, and you can't strip the baggage from the term. I know it would feel so demeaning for me if they called me their "sister" now, but it's hard not to focus on the walking on eggshells that my transition has caused. There is so much more I would like to add in response to your video, but I must remember this is a comment, not an essay.

@rwyke1 3 жыл бұрын

💯💯💯 I feel this so hard. for my brother, he's jumped right to calling me brother and is thrilled about that, even though im nb and brother is dope, but not the most accurate term. i was using the word sibster to honour my relationship to my girlhood but my sister said it disrespects the word sister for, which I am not anymore.... so it's just what it is. sibling is great but i agree clinical. we dont have good neutral language for daughter/son either & i struggle with this.

@MingusTale 3 жыл бұрын

Yes I have such an issue with all non-binary terms being clinical af. Sibling, parent, spouse, partner. I hate them all honestly.

@shadowkyber2510 2 жыл бұрын

@@rwyke1 isn't "kid" a good version of son/daughter? "Child" sounds too formal

@rwyke1 2 жыл бұрын

@@shadowkyber2510 sure, my dad is English, so formal haha. He doesn’t use the word kid.

@harrisonthefox 3 жыл бұрын

I am a 22 year old trans guy. I definitely feel like this with my extended family. I only see them once or twice a year, and I feel like I’m a pretend version of myself around them.

@OiElloKatty 3 жыл бұрын

I came out at 24 and started transitioning at 25. I turned 28 last month and have just started getting used to my mom calling me her son. It took a long time for me to come to terms with the fact that it can feel weird to me without feeling like it’s wrong. I thought that it feeling weird meant that maybe I was just imagining I was trans or that I’m “fake trans” or something. I still live with her, too, and I think that actually was part of the problem. Because it’s just the two of us here, and on a daily basis, I’m not going to hear her say that. And being out in public with her, she doesn’t usually have a situation in which she calls me her son whilst I’m with her. But yeah, it was…very difficult to separate it being “weird” and me thinking that meant it felt “wrong” and I was “making it up.” I’m still not used to hearing my dad say it, nor is he used to saying it! In regular times, I see him every other weekend, and again, he doesn’t have much of a chance to say it when he’s around me. Now that I’m growing my hair out again, he’s slipping back into daughter and she/her since the last time I had long hair, I was still his “daughter.”

@Chierushi 3 жыл бұрын

Yeah I’m 26, 3 years transitioning on T. I too felt weird to have family change their language, calling me a son or a brother. Maybe it’s cause I’m the same person and I never wanted my own self discovery to change my relationships with my family at all. But the fact that it did change things, idk, even though it feels weird - I’m learning to lean into it, instead of away from it. It does make me feel fake too like you said lol. I think that happens more when I lean away from it rather than embracing it. For instance, I’d really like to act like a “son” around my family, and do dumb boy stuff and run around and roughhouse or whatever lol. Normally I’m shy and polite but I wanna live it up next time I’m around them! (Post Covid)

@aliselman3834 3 жыл бұрын

As someone who also came out and transitioned later in life I relate to this so hard. Would love to see more videos on this topic!

@rwyke1 3 жыл бұрын

im 35 and have been transitioning over the last 2-3 years. go team!

@daxmarshel 3 жыл бұрын

So would I.

@anush1087 3 жыл бұрын

I’m glad to hear it’s working out for you all. With my current family dynamic, I can’t transition right now or I’d lose all support from my parents in college, mostly because my dad is wildly uncomfortable with me being trans, but it makes me more hopeful that life will work out

@daxmarshel 3 жыл бұрын

@@anush1087 Hang in there. Time can be miraculous; I'd started looking into this in my 20's, and the science didn't work in the political climate where I lived, so I kept going until one day the answer was apparent. I hope you experience that moment.

@rwyke1 3 жыл бұрын

@@anush1087 it willl!!! You have so much love and support coming your way 🌈🖤

@TheValkyriekat 3 жыл бұрын

I’m 51 and been medically transitioning (4 yrs T, top surgery) and I’m the youngest son and they still make me act age 12 and misgender me. I get it.

@jaelikesjackalopes 3 жыл бұрын

The first time visiting family after starting hormones was the most uncomfortable. I’d told them what I was doing but they were not prepared for the voice change.

@misamisa29 3 жыл бұрын

I feel this. My parents say they accept me but can't get themselves to use they/them. And I almost don't care because not caring feels easier than going through the weirdness of getting to know each other as the person I am now.

@Thatll_Do_Pig_ 3 жыл бұрын

HOLY SHIT YES!! I'm MtX (on hormones) but damn it feels so weird just talking to my dad. Like afterward, I have this "who the hell was that" moment about the way I acted around him. Or in a more complex example, I moved back in with my (incredibly supportive) sister after I came out, and for a long time it felt like we both had this subconscious "am I the brother in this dynamic? Are we sisters now?" question lingering. I'm super thankful that I got to have that time though, because I think we both have a much more lovely dynamic now.

@worshipwormking2327 3 жыл бұрын

nice moustache my dude

@redwolf513-ze 3 жыл бұрын

I transitioned in my 30s. So I feel this so hard. I don't see my friends or family a lot since we all live in diffrent areas. It sometimes feels when I'm talking to one of them that I have to step back to let them caught up. I change my voice on the phone to someone younger and not me now to curb some of the strange. It's going to be hard when I see some of them in person. Glad I'm not alone in this.

@ecogreenarchive Жыл бұрын

Cool I’m 30 and medically transitioning this year so glad I’m not alone

@redwolf513-ze Жыл бұрын

@@ecogreenarchive you got this. Congrates on starting your journey.

@matthieufauchard3412 3 жыл бұрын

I'm always blown away at how much i relate to his content, how well he articulates my exact thoughts and feelings. So grateful for this chanel, for feeling understood and having these videos to share, thanks Jackson!

@jacobvider2449 3 жыл бұрын

He’s great

@dansenkat 3 жыл бұрын

right? i feel that way too

@odincarlston3144 3 жыл бұрын

Agreed. I think Jackson is really great at articulating a lot of complicated things surrounding transness.

@ArtsyRosie 3 жыл бұрын

learned through my brother the other day that my dad views me now as a completely different person than i was pre transition and he thinks he doesnt know me anymore, because he hasnt seen me since before, so he still talks about the me he knew as my deadname. and of course there are new things for him to learn about me but im still me dude

@Chierushi 3 жыл бұрын

I feel that. It feels like the more I pass, the more my dad treats me like a stranger sometimes.

@danielpajda5219 3 жыл бұрын

Its honestly the opposite for me. The more i transition, the more i feel like my mom views me as a stranger

@harrisonthefox 3 жыл бұрын

Westley from Princess Bride vibes 😍

@tomim7187 3 жыл бұрын

Not trans but, the youngest of four and gay. So, the dynamic changed when I decided to change it and assert my adulthood by being an adult and NOT falling into the old sibling rivalries or parent/child dynamic. It is ALL a state of mind: yours and theirs. Love your video.

@odincarlston3144 3 жыл бұрын

This is super interesting! I'd love to ask- what do you think was the most obvious behavioral change that happened after you made that shift?

@reubenhoydahl 3 жыл бұрын

I'm finding myself in the same situation. I came out to my whole family in September when I travelled to uni. I haven't seen them since, and since then I've actually started taking testosterone. Not only am I contemplating how to actually tell my parents that I am now medically transitioning, but I'm so nervous about what will happen when I'm eventually able to go home when the whole covid situation gets better- how they will react when I come home looking and sounding completely different. It's both a blessing and a curse as I am able to transition comfortably on my own, but it's going to be a big change for my family to get used to. Not to mention my religious mother who hasn't even talked to me since I came out- she might actually have a heart attack, I'm not even joking. Any advice on how to deal with this would be much appreciated!

@Sophia-Sews 3 жыл бұрын

I think for many lgbt+ people, there will always be that great divide between the people our parents expected us to grow up to be, verses who we actually grew up to be as adults.

@et_edits 3 жыл бұрын

OH. Well this makes sense to why i feel weird around my exetended family

@finn3264 3 жыл бұрын

im still a kid and i came out when i was 12 but i notice that exact feeling when hanging out with old friends that i haven’t talked to in a while

@Winterappleby 3 жыл бұрын

I needed this video more than I realised. I've been back home for a month now and my family continue to misgender me and deadname me, but because I'm a non-binary person who is AFAB and still dresses femininely, I feel like I have no power to tell them how uncomfortable it makes me. My sister is having a baby in two weeks and I'm afraid that once that baby is born I'll be labelled an "aunt" and I'll never be able to get them to change that, I feel like I can't even ask them to try and use a different name for me. And over the last few months, over and over again I've been having people ask me "are you excited to be an auntie?' and the sad thing is I'm so excited to have a nibling, but I'm not an aunt and I never will be. So when they ask me that, my reaction is tense, uncomfortable, and it seems like I'm not excited when I am. I'm just so exhausted from being constantly misgendered.

@cmh091 3 жыл бұрын

I moved away from my home state 5.5 years ago and I've visited twice. The first time was when I was still presenting as a woman, a very femme one too. The second time was early this year, 2 months after turning 28 and 2 months after coming out to them (and almost everyone) as trans. It was such a trippy experience. My first language is Spanish and ever since I left my mom's place over 7 years ago, I pretty much speak English like 99% of my day. I'm still fluent but it's not the language I typically use. The reason I bring language into this is that everything is gendered in Spanish (and several other languages). "I'm tired" = "Estoy cansada/o" depending on your pronouns. I spoke Spanish the majority of my time there. Not only did it feel foreign being there looking masc for the first time in front of them but it was also exhausting to not mess up my own pronouns in Spanish. Just as a way to avoid any comments like "see you're faking! I knew it!" if I messed up. Overall, I've found it to be an interesting experience to start transitioning at 28. When I came out as trans I went through a period of criticizing everything about myself just because it was "too feminine." I tried hard to change stuff like my intonation, my posture, my mannerisms, etc. that I've been doing for 28 years. So I gave up on that when I realized it's what made me... me and that doesn't invalidate me as a trans guy.

@user-bw7ng1qn4c 3 жыл бұрын

I came out 3/4 years ago (after I had been out of the house for a year and started transitioning in another state, without them in the loop) so while I wasn’t fully an “adult” I can relate to so much of this, especially since I’ve been back to living with family during this pandemic. I zoomed with my sister and her best friend from high school was there last week and it still feels so weird for them to call me by my name and say I’m her brother. When I’m with my friends and even people I’ve known before, it just fees so much more natural than it does with my family or with friends I’ve known for 7/8+ years. It’s not that they’re saying anything wrong, it’s just that there’s weirdness and they’ll never fully get it. My dad likes to tell me to remember that it took me a while to understand this and learn all the things I know now, and I should give people that same time to adjust, but also correct them if they cross a line.

@BusinessCasualLabCoat 3 жыл бұрын

I came out at 19 (around the same time you did) and lived with my parents briefly after coming out, but the majority of my medical transition happened after I moved away for college, and I totally feel this. I notice it more at gatherings with more extended family who didn't see me at all until I was a year into transition. Even though everyone is using the right name and pronouns, I always feel like I'm right back in high school before I was out to anyone there except one of my cousins.

@marekz7682 3 жыл бұрын

Thanks for creating that video. I started my transition in regards to my family at the beginning of this year and then covid hit and I see them not often normally, but now it's even less... And sometimes I feel like I'm the most awkward person around my transition. And I realized that one thing that is weird in my head is that I don't have memories of being a "son"... So sometimes it feels "artificial" getting called "son", because this word is not really connected to memories yet.. While in my day to day life words like "sir" and "dude" are more connected to me with memories. Which makes everything way more easy. Additionally, in most situations I'm used to more "female roles" at family gatherings and I don't want to be a asshole dude now and not care about help clean the tables now and stuff... But sometimes I feel like it's also awkward to figure out new roles & places. There are family members who haven't seen me since I started testosteron and will probably, first see mee when I'm a year or more on T... I'm a bit scared on how it will go. But also that's the time we are living in.

@purpleraven8700 3 жыл бұрын

Thank you for this video! I so feel that and thought it was just me. I started my transition in my thirties. When I am apart from people that know me since childhood - be it family or old friends - I don't really question my self, I just live my dude life. But when I am with family and childhood friends, I find myself unsure how to act, if that makes sense. I fall into old patterns and that is when I get this dreadful feeling of being an impostor - even though I have never regretted my decisions and would never want to revert back. It also takes them the longest to get used to my true self, because I act similarly around them as before, because I am basically the same person, just happier and looking different. The mind is a strange thing. Even though I am confident and happy I still feel vulnerable and this 'old' me when I am with them. If you ever find a solution for that, please share ;)

@sebris4272 3 жыл бұрын

I really resonate with this and am grateful you made a video on it. I came out & transitioned as ftm at 24, living on my own. I think doing it away from my parents (and college, tbh) is the only way I ever could have done it, but I’m aware it put a strain on my relationship with them. Especially since I dread confrontation and awkward situations, and I avoid talking to them about it unless something comes up. I’m 26 now, and my family has come such a long way and it’s truly heartwarming, but I’m still cringing and internally screaming when I’m called a “brother” or a “son”, even though it affirms how I feel. I KNOW it’s who I am, but it makes die a little inside in dazed confusion. And I definitely feel like I’m walking on eggshells, trying to figure out how to act, or just embarrassed about my existence constantly when I’m with them. And this only happens with them. I never know how to properly explain this to friends (though, that could be said about being trans in general). So I’m relieved to see this discussed and to read everyone’s comments. I feel like it’s this last lingering part about my past identity that will never shake off, and it bothers me so much.

@Madkazer 3 жыл бұрын

"Sometimes it feels like a question going unasked" nailed that right on the head Jackson! I came out to everyone in 2020 at 29 years old. I haven't seen my family because of Covid-19 but I feel this even in phone / zoom / messenger conversations. I think for them, they never saw me as masculine and it's very hard for them to see me as a man. They are accepting (mostly) but there is still this air about them when we talk. I feel like when I see them in person again everything is going to be so strange and new.

@whambamrabbitman6770 3 жыл бұрын

I get this so much. Starting hormones while living away from my parents means I have no idea how to talk to them about it. I think you drift slightly anyway as you age and move out but adding transition... it's a lot

@GBfanatic15 3 жыл бұрын

I've been out as bi among my family for about 10 years now and knowing that my dad wants me to be happy, with whatever gender I end up with still hits me right in the heart every time I think about it

@donnanadlesneu4808 2 жыл бұрын

I came out after I turned 60, that was over 6 years ago I'm so much happier now.

@schneckchenblau442 3 жыл бұрын

I'm "only" 21 and not completly financially independent but I moved out and away for uni so I see my family maximal 3 times a year. I came out in august to them and despite knowing who I am I wholeheartedly agree that it is the weirdest feeling to hear my mother say my new name bc it just feels like she's addressing someone she doesn't know. But as my entire family is supportive I just hope that it will get better with time. Hope you all have a great christmas

@efrost1264 3 жыл бұрын

31 year old, and I for sure feel this. Thank you for sharing, it made me feel less "other".

@deepbananna 3 жыл бұрын

That’s so close to what I’m about to go through! So thanks for the heads up I guess? Haha I’m 26 and pre everything, moved alone abroad and see my family once a year. It’s gonna get interesting I suppose.

@saradangererickson7031 3 жыл бұрын

You're giving me some sort of retro vibes with the look and I'm into it. Love the stache.

@phaedonpanagi2546 3 жыл бұрын

I think as well as the fact friends know u less time than ur family, the way they know u is different. They know u as a friend which yes can be a gendered dynamic but not always an definitely not as heavily gendered as family relationships.

@ryanwinter1562 3 жыл бұрын

Even though I may be cis, I can relate very heavily to things you mentioned as a queer guy. I feel like I am one person around my immediate family and another with my friends because even though I came out many years ago, there is something telling me that I need to hold back my inherent queerness because it's something they'll never understand and will eventually grow to resent. Couple this with the fact that unlike you, I do see them every day and I do still live with my folks makes this so much worse as I feel like I am hiding my true self from those who probably deserve to see it the most. You mentioned a bridge in regards to this feeling and in my opinion, my metaphorical bridge is not only getting bigger each day, but it's getting harder to see the other side where I am not only at peace with my own identity, but am also able to fully be myself all the time around those who see me the most. Watching your videos over the past few years has continually reminded me that although we may not share the same labels, being queer is a mostly universal experience that all of us can understand. Thank you for letting me remember that I am not alone, my struggles are not just mine, and that I can always turn to my fellow queer friends to help me through this shitty existence we call human life

@alexpenton2224 3 жыл бұрын

I came out at 26, eight years after I moved out. My parents only lived eight hours away but visited a fair bit as i recently had my son. But it was still fairly distant. Four years after that, I moved home. They were still dead naming me (accidentally) and messing up pronouns etc. They said they’d never really had the chance to get to know me as “the male me” and it took a long time to get comfortable. I’ve been living in the same town for two years and it’s pretty comfortable. My mom was exacerbated by something and used my birth name the other day and then stopped what she was doing with a confused look on her face apologizing because she “didn’t know where it came from “ Right now we are discussing the whole old photos on the wall thing - if my sons friends go to my parents house they ask who the pictures are and start comparing me to the photos haha

@avrilnoble5780 3 жыл бұрын

My brother is trans and I get this; I was living abroad and not speaking much to my family (for unrelated reasons) when he transitioned, I didn't fully know about it until after he had top surgery so it took me years to feel like he was the same person, as opposed to someone my parents suddenly adopted. Even now when we've all been living together again in lockdown I still sometimes look at him and think "where did my sister go?" I often feel like they were twins and the girl died, which is horrible but I try not to dwell on it. Also I'm mostly cis but I did change my name from one female one to another, and it does sometimes feel simultaneously great and weird and uncomfortable when people I've known a long time address me by my chosen name.

@romans.2060 Жыл бұрын

Holy cow. You really nailed this feeling and made me realize I'm not alone, for real. I couldn't pinpoint it until now. It's been a lingering feeling and every word you said makes it clear. Like "an un-asked question."

@Elanel Жыл бұрын

I know the feeling of regressing into someone you don't want to be around your family. It makes sense that it would be so much worse for someone who was struggling with their identity as a kid.

@user-bw7ng1qn4c 3 жыл бұрын

Oh my god you look so dapper

@jh5401 3 жыл бұрын

Thank you for recognising this. As someone who is questioning their gender, I'm thankful for your mention of things I don't actually hear much,. and as someone who is at least an ally, I'm thankful for your recognition of struggles and education.

@InsertMyChineseUsername 3 жыл бұрын

I am not even out to my family and it feels like that even though I see them every day.

@elizabethstover3033 3 жыл бұрын

This hit me like a brick. I’m 24, and I’m not out as trans to my family yet, nor have I really started transitioning beyond binding and attempting to look masc and a huge part of why is because I’m afraid to lose the person they’ve always seen me as. I’ve always been the Little Sister, almost ever nickname and endearment they have for me is rooted in my dead name (which is still the name on this account because I use this email with them), and I just don’t know how to balance these different versions of myself. On the one hand, it feels wrong, like they fundamentally don’t know who I am, but on the other hand, the person they know isn’t...Not me? It’s still me. It’s so complicated and confusing and scary. I’m still living with my parents (thanks, pandemic) though, so maybe if I come out soon, we can grow together, if they’re open to it.

@elizabethstover3033 3 жыл бұрын

On the other hand, my family has always been kind of a toxic mess (happens when your dad’s an alcoholic) so maybe it doesn’t matter what they think of me. Who gives a shit if my dad doesn’t understand what non-binary means, when he’s an asshole anyway? Does he even deserve to know me? It’s bizarre, knowing you grew up in a traumatic environment and yet still loving your family and wanting a relationship with them that you’ll probably never have. I wish I felt closer to my family, but even if I wasn’t trans I think this distance would still be there. Am I just afraid of making it worse? Am I lying to myself that there’s anything worth saving? And yet I’m terrified to leave my old self behind.

@liotothegods1262 3 жыл бұрын

Sometimes I feel guilty because I don't want my family to think I don't like them, or that I prefer being as far away from them as possible. In reality I love spending time with them but like, in short spurts.

@ashbaker4422 3 жыл бұрын

WOW thank you so much for sharing this; you articulated some feelings I’ve had about not being able to exist as my true self around my family bc of that “reverting to your old self” type of stuff. I started medically transitioning at the beginning of my 20s when I was living with my parents while commuting to college, and I definitely notice how I feel different around lgbtq peers vs general public vs family and )pre-transition) high school friends I hadn’t seen regularly since figuring out my transness. Would love to hear/watch more about these types of topics!!

@jakelasenby6184 3 жыл бұрын

I'm 35 and came out a couple of years ago as trans. I think part of what you're experiencing/talking about is the transition from a child-adult relationship to an adult-adult relationship with your family. It's a thing thats weird! For years in my twenties (long before I added any coming out in the mix) I still felt like I was being thought of as a teenager and still thought of my parents like I did when I was a teenager. It took a while and some conscious effort to approach them as an adult talking to another adult and make that my default setting whenever we had anything more than small talk to deal with. They have to do the same in consciously stepping back and letting you be an adult in their minds too (this I think is harder for them when you're still an early adult, but gets easier over time. At least it did for mine). There are still frustrations - you learn that like with any other adult you meet in your life, your parents will have their own issues with their own lives and identities and their own immaturities on certain things that they may never get over. All adults have flaws and one of our mental steps towards adulthood is learning that our parents aren't perfect, and won't understand everything about your life. But as long as they try to be a part of it in a healthy way is what's an important start. And you're right in that being long distance makes that take longer. My dad and sister live alot closer to me and i see them frequently, they've been very accepting with my transition and easy to talk to about it, and the fact that we do see each other frequently makes it easier for them to get into the habit of using the right name/pronouns/ect. Whereas my mum and brother live further away and I see them about once or twice a year - and even though they've never expressed any negativity towards my new life, it still feels awkward bringing it up in conversation with them, just due to the lack of previous conversations to make it a comfortable topic.

@eethvamp 2 жыл бұрын

I can feel myself growing apart from my family; dissociating from them, sadly.

@Transpenguincy 3 жыл бұрын

Relate a lot to this. I came out at 33 but my parents refuse to see me as my gender and continue to use my old name and pronouns, I hate speaking to them 🤦🏻‍♂️

@nevis2698 3 жыл бұрын

Thank you so much for this, I thought I was alone. I turned 21 this year and literally the weekend before my birthday I finally came out to my parents after about 5 years of coming to terms with my identity. It was emotional but they were accepting right away and I got my first birthday card from them addressed to the right name. Prior to the coming out I had already been living on my own for a year but still in the same city as them, though 1.5 months after my birthday I moved 2 hours away. It has been almost 2 months and apart from like three phone calls we haven't talked or seen each other since. I regret not having had more time as their son, we never had much of an emotional connection, partly because of things they did, partly because I was shutting myself off to deal with being trans and because I didn't know how they'd react. I feel like I still have so much to talk to them about and I desperately want to build a new connection but it's hard to open up a conversation about the topic because I don't know how comfortable they really are with it. I'm gonna be there on Christmas with my boyfriend and I just really hope it goes well and we get to talk a bit.

@cyriel_g6110 3 жыл бұрын

Thank you so much for this video. I will be 30 in january. I came out as a transgender guy to my family about six month ago, and I started testosterone only a month ago. Even if my family seems to accept me and try to act as natural as possible, I can feel something is weird between us. This makes me very uncomfortable, and quite sad, I think. I'm glad you decided to do this video. I take it like a comfort. Thank you, and take care of yourself.

@ajnelson30 3 жыл бұрын

I remember seeing my extended family after start T and they all thought I was sick cause my voice was cracking

@lucypherr 3 жыл бұрын

"truly questionable moustache" - I was just starting to type a comment of how good your facial hair looks here! Love how it goes with your haircut too

@RaeDole 3 жыл бұрын

You litterally put words to the feelings and fears I have I'm not out to them so it's different but some things are just so simular.

@TheGrinbery 3 жыл бұрын

I used to feel that way whenever I walked around the village I live in for the past 17 years. most of the people know me since I'm a little kid and it felt very awkward especially because I never reall came out. thankfully I no longer feel that way but I do understand what you're talking about.

@RaeDole 3 жыл бұрын

Is 16 minutes "far enough in the future"?

@JudeAndolin 3 жыл бұрын

I'm home from college with my family right now (I'm 26 and just came out this year) and I feel this so hard. I was also able to come out when I was financially independent, but because I've lived 7 hours away from my parents for several years, they don't understand who I am at all, even if they try. This video was honestly super validating because I'd been feeling kind of weird about it the past few weeks that I've been here.

@kittyykatie 3 жыл бұрын

oh God I came out when I became financially independent too.... it hurts so much to even be around my family because I feel like they're so disappointed but I decided not to live to please others but yeah still hurts bc I feel like they lost love for me

@slime_camp 3 жыл бұрын

Very well put. This definitely resonates with me!

@nickname2935 3 жыл бұрын

I transitioned at 28. It took my parents a while to become supportive. We haven't lived together in more than 10 years but are pretty close. Funny thing is that while THEY have totally grown into it, I am the one to feel weird for being called by my chosen name. But I'm getting used to it. The more frequently it happens, the easier it becomes. #rewriting_memory

@jokeeater5106 3 жыл бұрын

This isn't just an adult thing only! I'm a teenager (16) and feel the exact same when I pass in public;;

@celestinestilwell3141 3 жыл бұрын

this has made me feel so relieved! This is my first time back home after beginning my medical transition and even though I am feeling more and more comfortable in my moments alone, and with my friends, I spend so much time questioning my trans ness around my family. THANK YOU

@kittyykatie 3 жыл бұрын

I need more information like this on KZfaq. its so hard to find resources and research done on these topics bc they are usually excluded on purpose. I feel scared at all to even interact with the community

@jacobbruun6953 3 жыл бұрын

Heyo Jackson! Def wanna hear more about this topic. I relate a lot. Happy new year!

@MeSwanne 3 жыл бұрын

I started transitioning in 2018 and last year I lived with my parents for ~4 months and I have to say, it didn't stop the divide from happening. As Anna Akana said in a recent video 'my therapist says I can have a close relationship with my family or I can be happy' (that's not true for everyone but it is for me and my son (my mommy issues))

@MCGA3000DCU 3 жыл бұрын

Jackson, your awesome. You’ve also helped a bit in my coming out, so thank you so so so much Jackson🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

@robertrist2300 3 жыл бұрын

Jackson bird I am glad your back and had a good Thanksgiving to. I am surprised you are not a reporter your so good talking about facts and your wisdom with it makes you sound so positive and want to hear what you say on your KZfaq channel. I have missed you and glad you are doing ok and I am wishing you a merry Christmas and stay strong and safe.

@andrewjauer 3 жыл бұрын

I just finished your book, and I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed it!

@elrandquist350 3 жыл бұрын

I feel this *so* hard, and don't think I'd really processed it quite this way until watching this video and everything clicked. I came out to my immediate family in December - they've all reacted really well. I started T in August and didn't really feel any doubt at all about it being the right thing to do. Now I've moved into my dad's house for a brief period (he doesn't live here full time but is here often) due to covid-y circumstances and suddenly I'm thrown back into this doubtful mindset of just needing to hide everything about myself and feeling super confused about who I am. My dad is supportive and wonderful - there's nothing he's doing that's causing it. But it's been alarming me a great deal and I think you've hit the nail on the head. I was never *not* hiding before, and I've barely started to figure out how to come out from that shell on my own terms, let alone with seeing my dad most days and being psychologically launched back in time fifteen years. I'll be 30 in less than two weeks and it's so weird and disconcerting. Wonderful and amusing and freeing, too. But still unsettling. And since I'm seeing him often we're learning how to navigate things kind of in tandem, which I'm really grateful for. But still just. Transitioning is fucking *weird* man.

@sawyercormstv1972 3 жыл бұрын

Hey Jackson! My experience with transitioning in the pandemic forcibly right next to my parents. I just want to say that me personally I created that emotional space, so I actually relate to this a lot. So much of it comes from them not understanding. It felt good to hear that you are going through something similar. I desperately crave some physical space at times.

@rwyke1 3 жыл бұрын

THANK YOU FOR SPEAKING THIS TRUTH TO POWER!!!!! YESSSS all of this. Literally in this right now. ❤️🖤💚

@kazeboiii 3 жыл бұрын

I’ve definitely felt this since reconnecting with my nephew, whom I’ve always been close to, and my old childhood friends since moving back to my home state at the beginning of this year. It’s been a rough year & I’ve spent a lot of this quarantine reminiscing a time when I didn’t feel just generally weird about my closest connections, as well as missing the people I had transitioned around and met after transitioning back in SATX. But, over time, I’ve learned to be more comfortable with being my truest self around my old friends and nephew and feel truly blessed that they have all accepted me for me from the beginning. It’s really validating to hear another trans person talk about this experience and I feel far less alone in that now. Thank you, Jackson!

@mattm2451 3 жыл бұрын

Hey a year or two back I got to hear your talk and take a picture with you, which my phone broke and I sadly lost. Anyways I just wanted to say I am happy to have rediscovered your channel because this was a great video.

@user-fh9jh9pi6y 3 жыл бұрын

I understand this. I was so excited the first time my parents treated me like the old me and we went back to that dynamic because they were no longer being weird with me and realising I was still me. However, I later realised that was partly because it was all we knew but also partly because they were treating me like I hadn't transitioned just changed my name. It's taking time and I'm chatting to them as much as possible over video call about day to day things and it has helped make me feel more comfortable with who I am now around them. (Only a year on T but moved out about four years ago)

@Miss_Lexisaurus 3 жыл бұрын

That outtro was a perfect example of why I think you're awesome!

@garrettwhite8413 3 жыл бұрын

Hey Jackson! Another great video, thank you so much for the quality content that you deliver. I came out when I was 24 and started physical transition when I was 25, and WOW yeah I related to this video so much. I went home for Thanksgiving, and that vibe was just...so heavy. Trying to "act natural" around people who I wasn't "acting natural" around for so long--and not even by any fault of theirs or mine. I just wasn't aware of what was going on with me. I don't see my family a lot (in fact I discovered I was trans while I was living overseas, so about as far as I could get from my family at the time), and it has made me realize just how much exposure is vital for them coming to see me as the man I am. They love me, they want to see me happy, but it's like...their brains have to catch up. And in many ways, so does mine when I'm around them. Love, love, love this video. So glad I'm not alone. Wishing you as happy a holiday season as possible, despite the circumstances! :)

@graysonishere7454 3 жыл бұрын

New video from Jackson Bird 😄

@jacobvider2449 3 жыл бұрын

Very exciting

@rbarber 2 жыл бұрын

I really liked what u said at the end about being together in a weird world so I've made a poster of it. Nice quote!

@alexej6080 3 жыл бұрын

Thank you so much for articulating so well yet another aspect in which transitioning affects our lives. I have 4 brothers, and although I am now part of that 'band of brothers', and not excluded anymore like when I was a kid, it doesn't feel that way. And I'm guessing that's the same for them too. In some way I feel like my path has made the divide between me and my family impossible to cross sometimes, despite them accepting me. And because I value family (either by blood or chosen) so much I hope it will get better.

@owenaster487 3 жыл бұрын

Thanks for this vid! My parents are not yet accepting of my nonbinary gender, and it makes family gatherings really awkward. I’m strangely comforted to know that some of the awkwardness is common to other trans folks regardless of how accepting parents are. Makes me feel less alone 💖

@kaithecatguy7571 2 жыл бұрын

Holy shit I've gone through so much confusion and self-doubt because of reverting back to my assigned gender around old family and friends and you explained this SO well. Thank you

@daxmarshel 3 жыл бұрын

Thanks, Jackson. This is so relevant on so many levels...especially after moving across country at 40 before transition happened 10 years later. It's so much. And still, it's a bit freeing this year because yes, they may not see my full beard in person for the first time, but hey....they won't say whatever weird things they think, either. Rofl. I'm still trying to roll with being misgendered via phone, despite sounding like James Earl Jones! One of the bonuses of age is wisdom...I understand they don't see me, so it's difficult to erase the pictures of me in their mind and replace it with new ones. Doesn't make it sting less, but it does make me forgive more easily. In the meantime, I'm creating new memories with my family 3k miles away....and that's what living is about. Good topic, thanks.

@NeFishy 3 жыл бұрын

You put words to something I've been struggling to identify, thank you.

@ClaireRousseau 3 жыл бұрын

So much yes about feeling like speaking to / visiting my family makes me reverse to childhood dynamics!! I'm cis, straight & allo so I know my experience is not at all comparable to yours, but that part really hit home. I often feel like I'm not my best self around my family, though it's got a lot better since I got diagnosed with ADHD & anxiety and started taking meds & having therapy. Also, what fantastic moustache!

@forrestmorrison4641 3 жыл бұрын

I came out as transmasc nonbinary 4 months ago and homelife while in the process of me responsibly moving out has been very difficult. I really needed this today, you took the words out of my mouth

@593Andrea 3 жыл бұрын

Thank you for the kind words. 😊

@em.a.httpss 3 жыл бұрын

it's very interesting to hear your perspective. I can definitely relate to some of those feelings but being 20, living with my parents and 1 year into transition has been quite the opposite experience for me! In a way I still feel I'm not my most true self around them, but I can definitely see the circles overlapping and how our relationship has deeply changed as we've built new dynamics that honestly, feel much more authentic to me than before. At this point if my mom called me her "son" it would be prettyyyy weird, and it hasn't been that long! Some of that weirdness/self consciousness around them might never go away, but I hope that over time you also get to figure out how you fit in post transition, especially since it sounds they want that too

@maxwelldanvers6227 3 жыл бұрын

This is a totally real feeling and I understand despite the fact that I transitioned living at home and I still live at home. I had to explain to someone recently that, although my father will always love me and he still sees me as his child, my dad doesn't see me as his son or his daughter anymore. it's a hard situation to maneuver

@rafaelah1492 3 жыл бұрын

I can relate so much to this! But I was never able to articulate it as well or to relate it to the regression thing so this video is really great and helpful

@MatNefer 3 жыл бұрын

Hey Jackson, thank you so much for making this video! I'm 29 and very close to the start of my medical transition (I'm MtF, tho), and I think I'm starting to experience some of those feelings of weirdness around my family. And getting to know that those feelings are normal and that other trans people experience them, too, is extremely helpful! Knowing about this allows me to be more prepared so that in the future, when the weirdness around family will become more relevant as my transition progresses, I will be able to go through this with a lot more serenity and general peace of mind than I would've been able to do otherwise. It will avoid a lot of the stress and the unnecessary self-doubt that, knowing myself, all the unease around my family would surely trigger. This video could end up really making a difference for me, so, again... thank you for making it!

@stanleydraws6696 3 жыл бұрын

I would love more videos on this topic, it really resonates with me. All the things you spoke of, coupled with my parents hardly acknowledging my transition (or any changes) when I do see/speak to them - it's very strange and uncomfortable. The one time I was with my extended family last year, after many years of not seeing most of them, I felt like I did at 16 again, not quite sure how to act. I'm aware of this weird part of transition probably moreso as my family aren't 100% on board or openly supportive of my transition, but even amongst the parts where they are ok this is definitely apparent. I'm getting surgery next year and I know it'll be another layer of my transition that's probably going to widen that strange gap. I don't think you're overthinking this. Thank you for making this video.

@rrrosecarbinela 3 жыл бұрын

Thanks, Jackson, for being one of those candles in the window that help us find our way. I am a cis lesbian and certainly can't understand all the ways you've grown through your transition, but I do understand the search for self-knowledge. Yeah, it can be uncomfortable sometimes. Have a blessed season, stay safe, wear your mask, tell your loved ones you love them.