Intro music: Church of 8 Wheels by Otis McDonald Time Stamps: 0:00 Why couples have the same perpetual problem 1:43 Solution 1 6:42 Solution 2
Пікірлер: 141
@AnaPsychology7 ай бұрын
I am SO excited to announce that I've launched a 4+ hour relationship skills course: psychologywithdrana.learnworlds.com/course/the-connection-course For those of you who like videos such as this one and want more, definitely check it out :)
@gurlperson89 Жыл бұрын
Just noticed the switch from “partner” to FIANCÉ!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!! ❤️
@aakashailajan Жыл бұрын
"When you ask the universe to go to the next level, don't be surprised when every person preventing progress is removed from your life." 🙏🏼
@JenksAnro Жыл бұрын
I mean, people can justify anything so long as there's a quote to go along with it.
@letsfindsomepeace9207 Жыл бұрын
@@JenksAnro people also love leaving quotes in the comments like they really did something
@raheemcamal998 Жыл бұрын
@@letsfindsomepeace9207 👏👏
@vivvy_0 Жыл бұрын
@@letsfindsomepeace9207 people also do responses until it becomes a meme
@ssing7113 Жыл бұрын
Actually quite the opposite. It’s called there is no growth through challenge. Pain. Discipline. Dedication. How does one learn a lesson but to go through it and EXPERIENCE it. Learn from it and grow and not repeat it😂😂😂
@cheyboo6699 Жыл бұрын
The solutions I would propose: 1. Each person write out how they feel about the issue, so that there is no opportunity for either of them to get cut off or discouraged from speaking their truth. Come back at a later time and share their true feelings. Having a mediator present may help level the interaction. 2. Spend a healthy time apart from each other. Not in the form of a relationship break, but create and maintain individual lives, so that neither feel they are losing themselves, and also to create more fondness when together.
@SKBottom7 ай бұрын
Dr Orion Taraban of PsychHacks has a video on your second suggestion. It's called gifting them with your absence. That said, I really like both of your solutions. The next time she and I have a difference of opinion, I'm going to propose we try #1. We are already pretty good at the second one.
@Mari-gt4ix Жыл бұрын
I just got out of a 6 year relationship. I felt like I was putting in a lot of effort to understand my partners personality and actions but they would not do the same. They would often criticize me or make me feel like my actions were never reasonable. I did have to end it, even though I love them and it broke my heart. /: thank you for this video, I hope to become a better friend for the people around me
@deecee7042 Жыл бұрын
How did you do it? How did you decide to leave
@herlock736 Жыл бұрын
"They would not do the same" "They" that's the keyword here. Lmao
@Mari-gt4ix Жыл бұрын
@DeeCee Honestly, I feel like it took a very long time for me to make that decision. It wasn't that every single time we were together it was bad, but the same issues were always looming. So after the series of several deep conversations in the last 4 months, this last conversation happened to be the one that ended it. If you're going thru something like this, I hope it works out (whatever that means to you) and that you are well
@Mari-gt4ix Жыл бұрын
@Herlock I think I understand hat you mean. I suppose it's hard not to sound so 'you vs. me'. But idk I won't say they didn't try! We just had different ideals. /:
@deecee7042 Жыл бұрын
@@Mari-gt4ix thank you! What issues were you seeing? Are you happy you ended things?
@nataliewu670 Жыл бұрын
My partner and I had a major conflict yesterday, and after we talked it out, my first reaction was to go to this channel. This video was EXACTLY what I needed to hear. His job is more demanding than mine, and I was lumping him/his personality in with the problem, as opposed to communicating and coordinating efforts to tackle it as a team. Thank you for sharing this. I can't wait to apply these techniques you mentioned.
@chrisp8259 Жыл бұрын
This video is a lot of words to say, "recognize your partner will never change so leave them or learn to deal with it"
@jmclydin Жыл бұрын
Please don't change your format or channel look! It feels very intimate and comforting.... Keep it up! Very practical information.
@celinepope Жыл бұрын
Love these types pf videos. My partner and I have a stronger relationship bc of these.
@notreal3844 Жыл бұрын
Can you talk more about one person being attracted to other people? And what is a 'healthy' amount to share when it comes to that stuff? I struggle with figuring out what I want to know and what I don't want to know. If they thought a romantic/sexual thought about someone, if they were attracted to someone they often see, if they think about them a lot... For now I decided I want to know if they did an action (made a decision) that could hurt me (tell me in advance if they want to text or meet up with someone they're attracted to and that has been a problem in our relationship), but I don't want to know if it was something they couldn't control (a thought) and didn't react because they are committed to me. But it still feels off that they could be thinking about someone else a lot, maybe even contemplating leaving me for them, and me not knowing about it.
@nonono777 Жыл бұрын
That would be interesting
@ryansisters1 Жыл бұрын
I would love to hear about this too!
@CB-jm2fx Жыл бұрын
Wow
@thefaithalflaw Жыл бұрын
Dr K (Healthy Gamers GG) has a exccelent video about open relatonships that quote some of this questions, If you would like to know this opinion from somente in Healthy field, he is a psychiatrist
@ryansisters1 Жыл бұрын
@@thefaithalflaw Thank you! What is the video called?
@Hannahdealer8180 Жыл бұрын
This idea is so sweet and I have experienced the opposite both in myself and others. I now have a healthy partner who ENCOURAGES me to have personal boundaries (whilst keeping her own) and views issues in my life as separate to me. She doesn't think that I don't feel like seeing her if I reschedule a meeting, for example. And I do explain myself to reassure her, but she doesn't demand explanation and I don't feel the need to give one every time. I have a healthier independence.
@urippe Жыл бұрын
This is something I really wanted to hear. I'm not in a relationship and might not be in one for awhile. I would think back on my past and my ex's on things I wanted to improve. I wasn't a team player and had many problems. I understand that now. I thought about the person I am and was. Let me say that a person can really do everything wrong because they don't know anything apparently. But with all that unnecessary experience ig you could say it did help me look at the bigger picture. To understand how I affect others and how they affect me. Even though I should've known better. Now I know and won't make the same mistakes. Hopefully not ever. Though being human I do have my own problems I can't escape completely. I guess I'll handle that till I can't. Thinking back more than ever that time I spent on the dumbest things imaginable were spent wasted on me making every problem my entire world. Finding myself in the dumbest places mentally. No need to understand for the most part on why. just that that's not the person I want to be and not the way I wanted to handle things in my past. Even in the end of things I would want to do my best with whoever is in my life. That's the only way you're going to make anything out of it. Make your dream come true of having a nice healthy relationship people. Or make a situation better and not worse. Make a decision or something on what you're doing and what that means. Who that makes you. I hope you can all find something to help you along your way as I have. Sometimes you just don't know until it's time to move forward
@schokoladenjunge1 Жыл бұрын
that really resonated with me. thank you. I often feel completely dumbfounded for the same reasons. Its hard to express and different performing masks yield different results. But im starting to see that what the relationship uncovered is a million ways i still need to grow as a person, and i am trying to not feel immense shame about everything i did.
@danielesemezie4436 Жыл бұрын
dude make an audio version please, its so much easier to listen while going on a walk or something you give good advice..
@jrr4475 Жыл бұрын
Sure, but when you say to your partner "what can we do to fix this?" and they refuse to even take the time to talk to you about it, I think that's the end of the relationship, right?
@apala09 Жыл бұрын
Yes
@FFAs Жыл бұрын
Everyone's circumstances differ. Depends on the problem. As mentioned, a lot of problems can't be 'fixed', but they can be cared for, navigated around, and addressed separately from the relationship itself.
@MalihaMahjabin Жыл бұрын
I will also never understand why emotional cheating and borderline sexual cheating are excused and worked through.
@WeShareTheSameAffliction Жыл бұрын
You don't need her to tell you the answer to that.
@b4singularity Жыл бұрын
Right
@andrer.6127 Жыл бұрын
The negotiation book, "Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In" states a similar view to the last point you make where the author talks about disentangling the people from the problem. It is very rare that people are the problem in relationship and being able to recognize that can go a long way to solving problems.
@mju135 Жыл бұрын
Hard truths that can be hard to hear! But this is what everyone has to face if you want to go the distance in a long-term relationship.
@SailorLunaUnicorn Жыл бұрын
I think this often happens to me when my partner has a bad habit: I mostly try to excuse them and think that they're gonna lose the habit somewhere along the way, spoiler alert, it doesn't happen... This really helps put things in perspective...
@cmapez Жыл бұрын
I really like this video. But I guess I dont understand why you can't change something like patience? I feel like that is a learned virtue. In my mind you shouldn't just let yourself be impatient when you can work to learn patience.
@cmapez Жыл бұрын
I still think people should be understanding of others learning to overcome their issues, but patience seems like a solvable issue for one party.
@chukah9484 Жыл бұрын
I think the premise is that all problems or people may not change is the expectation we should have. Often we don't know the degree the problem has been conditioned through our childhood or life experience so that their are significant emotional/psychological responses to the problem making them more difficult than it may appear.
@cmapez Жыл бұрын
@@chukah9484 thank you for the insight. I appreciate the perspective. I think I was watching this video with a more narrow view.
@MoreThanMan1 Жыл бұрын
Love the channel Ana. Thanks for recording a video after dark for us! 💓
@jbc365gym Жыл бұрын
nicely put; all comes down to acceptance of reality
@somefishhere Жыл бұрын
Thank you for going over a light-hearted isosceles triangle approach would look like in practice. I would love to see how to respond to a bit of resistance since I am exposed to this paradigm of conflict resolution, but my partner might not be. Specifically, if they still think you aren’t seeing it from an isosceles team effort, but rather blaming them, how to have a conversation about that trust-building.
@carnanya Жыл бұрын
Oh how convenient, just after a messy breakup because of said issue :,)
@Madokaexe Жыл бұрын
Same lol
@solokalnesaltam3015 Жыл бұрын
Years since my last relationship and not looking but I really appreciate these videos for non-romantic relationships. Work, family, friends etc. (obviously modifying the advice as necessary)
@Mico-Xiyeas6 ай бұрын
Definitely not helping my situation but ive come to these same solutions for all other problems, love to see that for others being spread!
@tiimteee Жыл бұрын
can you make a video on why people distance themselves from others, or do you have any videos that cover similar topics?
@tiimteee Жыл бұрын
distance like closing themselves off from people who care about them
@tacrewgirl Жыл бұрын
Yes, I'm interested in this too
@AntiManipulacion Жыл бұрын
I have a question. How do you know that 69% of the problems cannot be solved and are more due to beliefs, incompatibility etc?... What scientific studies show that?
@bithon5242 Жыл бұрын
She does have a video on ghosting, if that’s something you’d be interested in
@RicardoT-mx1tp Жыл бұрын
honestly your the most beautiful inside and out! U honestly give me so much hope that there is someone out there for me
@n.m6249 Жыл бұрын
She's so cute and calm. She looks 15 but has a PhD
@normalouis85938 ай бұрын
Im glad that you gave examples of problems that can be tolerated.
@devotedtoextraordinary Жыл бұрын
Ana you have single-handedly saved two of my relationships from two separate video on your channel. thank you 🙏🏻
@akari4657 Жыл бұрын
my best friend and I have loved each other for years, he doesn't want a relationship right now but i do, we hangout and things are normal but we always get depressed around each other cause he's going to be moving to another state soon basically ruining our chances of ever getting closer but he still wants to talk and says he still loves me. its been a problem I cant get over for years and it just doesn't feel very good. I appreciate this video a lot, im sure it wont solve anything but it made me feel a little better
@Ulsaf Жыл бұрын
Great timing on this vid for me. I feel like this is one of those things we all know but we deny it and avoid dealing with it. It's hard to deal with the guilt for not accepting a problem from someone you love. Hard to say no when you want to say yes.
@iankinzel2 ай бұрын
ok, I realize I'm diminishing some people's issues, but I can't imagine a world where my biggest problem is "my partner and I want to eat different things on Friday." tbh that sounds like a nice place to be in.
@samelis6546 Жыл бұрын
I don't understand... So, what happens after that? Both of you get to a level of understanding and empathy but the problem is still there, addressed but not fixed. So, how is the relationship going to work? Say, her example is she doesn't want to live somewhere hot but he has to move there for his career or something. After they've talked about it, then what? I'm missing the whole point even though I watched the whole video...😭
@m2pozad Жыл бұрын
Sometimes problems are not about actual external issues as much as they are about the boundaries people have erected. Rigid boundary dispositions see problems where they feel their autonomy is threatened.
@TolaTolaTola Жыл бұрын
OMG, Ana! I haven't seen your videos in a while and I can see how much better quality the are as opposed to say a year ago. I'm so proud! (not that video quality is so important, more that I can see progress)
@jagritisarkar Жыл бұрын
Hey can you please do a video about how to have a healthy relationship if you have bpd/your partner has bpd?
@juliastubbs2753 Жыл бұрын
Ana, you are so wise, and I appreciate your videos so much! Keep doing what you're doing.
@Vev02. Жыл бұрын
Not me seeing this the day after getting dumped 😂😂😂
@JustN0tMe Жыл бұрын
Good luck 🤞🏾
@shanellecallaghan1650 Жыл бұрын
Congrats on the engagement
@johnnydang8138 Жыл бұрын
im going to watch all ur relationship videos before getting into one
@IJTFILMSI Жыл бұрын
Thanks for all the work you do Ana, I recently discovered your channel and can say your videos are supremely helpful.
@ronellmostert8632 Жыл бұрын
Can you make more videos on repeating the same fight please please. This is very helpful. I feel it can be a series.
@m2pozad Жыл бұрын
No thank you. Just watch this one again.
@rachxxpie2 Жыл бұрын
do you have any gottman books/articles you recommend?
@shehtazruslan Жыл бұрын
thats when you know its time to change partners
@GinaBrittCo Жыл бұрын
Lol right
@angelicaa2314 Жыл бұрын
Do you think you could make a video about perfectionism and strategies to help be more accepting of flaws? Maybe about therapy that can specifically address this quality and it’s negative impacts on work and school functioning?
@Mett19 Жыл бұрын
There’s tons of resources via search here on KZfaq and search engines. Individuality is the opposite of perfection. Eventually you realize no one’s perfect and seeking perfection is getting in your own. Idiosyncrasies and quirks are the beauties in people, nature and life. If we were all perfect we’d be like automatons, and carbon copies of each other and it would get a bit trying for some. Corporations would love it though. “Buy and worship our brand”. Good luck with letting go, and saying goodbye to compulsive thinking and doing your best in the moment because we can’t go back and polish everything forever. The actor, Jane Fonda (paraphrased) learned to say “Eff them, if my best right now isn’t good enough for them!” Them would be producers and directors when she was doing take after take
@leoswift6938 Жыл бұрын
I recently found your channel and just wanted to thank you for making these videos- I’ve learned so much from them!
@CakeItBy Жыл бұрын
Can you make a video on when you know you should end a relationship based off of what you talked about in this video? Or does the person who came up with this have info?
@KimGhidorah Жыл бұрын
My perpetually single ass watching this: 👁️👄👁️
@tinysun6139 Жыл бұрын
i was in an abusive relationship and they would always take these videos and use them against me
@jellyrcw12 Жыл бұрын
Love your channel and congrats on your engagement!
@southsight7610 Жыл бұрын
You have a beautiful face doc, That is the first i noticed when youtube recommend your videos to me.
@CaptainCW Жыл бұрын
The obstacle becomes the way
@enver2977 Жыл бұрын
Ana can you please make a video about cases where severe inferiority and superiority complex are intermingled, but especially the inferiority part that also causes social anxiety, makes the person freeze in social settings or think whatever they'll say is unworthy of attention etc.
@jessicabethany2428 Жыл бұрын
Thank you so much for making these videos, they are really helpful :)
@ps5622 Жыл бұрын
Hi Ana, what are your thoughts on free will? Have you ever thought of making a video on the subject? Cheers!
@Mett19 Жыл бұрын
Just watched a silly movie, a man and a woman and a day in Cyprus. He talked about free will and she talked about the intangibles of life.
@ninjaxstickman97218 ай бұрын
Good advice!
@dalydegagne1839 Жыл бұрын
I am glad you are drawing on Gottman's work.
@yosoyroman875 Жыл бұрын
Great ideas here
@SmileWorld441 Жыл бұрын
than you greatly Anaaaa
@sarahshanahan2222 Жыл бұрын
One person earns all the money and pays all the bills.. an does the majority of grocery shopping and cooking..... the other has hobbies they love and are able to make a little money here and there to cover their own personal expenses. Helps out a little with chores Big problem or little problem ?
@Johnthesecond Жыл бұрын
I think you know your relationship will not last.
@nicolegoose567 Жыл бұрын
Thank you 🙏 ❤ needed this
@The_Cowwwthem Жыл бұрын
Congratulations congratulations!!
@destamax3989 Жыл бұрын
I just noticed my "only"solution is be you, my half soul.
@vivvy_0 Жыл бұрын
Same issues with family/friends version?
@LiquidGhaash Жыл бұрын
randomly paused at 6:16 and was not disappointed
@MaidenChaos Жыл бұрын
Thank you for your content ✨️ 😌
@emmahoy11 Жыл бұрын
Your channel is so dope
@sylvietokyo1229 Жыл бұрын
WHERE DOES OR WHAT TO DO WITH THE COFFEE/TEA SPOON!!! Biggest argument that I’m sure most couples have had! How did you resolve it?
@andrewjacob1789 Жыл бұрын
I hate to say this but I think atleast one of the solutions is to just cope with them and work on yourself to improve the problem and the other is to get a new relationship maybe? (Idk ik it seems a bit harsh😬😅)
@aririna. Жыл бұрын
Hi could you make a video about Leonardo DiCaprios problematic patter of dating younger girls?:) would be interesting to hear your opinion
@marcoinvesting5339 Жыл бұрын
What if my reoccurring problem is my girlfriend not speaking to me when she's angry, and I suffer because I don't understand what's going on? Are we doomed as a couple?
@missiejin Жыл бұрын
She just wants you to keep talking to her
@n.m6249 Жыл бұрын
She's wants you to reach out and there's something that she wants you to acknowledge that is hurting her.
@htesfaye9521 Жыл бұрын
Hi ana, i wanted to ask if you could talk about how to cope when your friend goes back to a toxic ex over and over again. i know it sounds a bit self centered but it's so exhausting investing emotionally into your friend, and her going back even after things happened to her that are considered emotionally abusive. this has been happening for months on end and i feel drained, unable to feel like a 'friend' even though i want to. i've been searching for it but have found only parodies and memes. please help😖
@lightartis228 Жыл бұрын
when it comes to actually starting doing things on practical level in real life the big information or detail amount is yours worst enemy,cuzz it causes something i call ``overload``...you want to keep things as short and basic as possible if you want take real life actions and the chain reaction that gradually escalates to big changes will naturally fallows if you remain consistant... so to the video question :what is most effective thing couples can do to gradually reduce issues in their relationships? have smex on regular basis and let chain reaction naturaly fix or at least reduce wast majority of problems couples face...yes it is that simple...show me a couple that bearly ever touches each other and ill show you two people who are extremly passive agressive and bitter towards each other lmao...big problems gets solved with simple solutions simply cuzz you actually can make yourself to do simple things...we humans are much more simple then we would like to admit it,is what i am saying lol.
@aquavit Жыл бұрын
nice.
@MazFeffer Жыл бұрын
I have found, in my personal experience, the more you voice problems in a relationship the more things turn into walnut tree trees.
@missiejin Жыл бұрын
What does this mean?
@MazFeffer Жыл бұрын
@@missiejin I just wish to stare that words seldom travel as intended their force intended equal but it surely become opposite when it is not faced by a mirror to correct it. A mirror of sound say an echo. I hope that stills the ripples in the pond, I do not wish to disturb the fish.