Just leaving this as a reminder for myself 1. Criticisms 2. Contempt 3. Defence 4. Stonewalling

The culture of appreciation is sooooo important. I remember when I was living with my ex, he would come home and immediately point out all the chores I didn’t get done instead of praising me for what I did get done. My current partner is constantly saying reassuring words when I fail and uplifting me when I succeed, and it has definitely improved my mental health to have someone around me who focuses on the positive instead of the negative

Criticism = Gentle Startup - real feelings, calm, affection, humor Contempt = Building a culture of Appreciation - gratitude, expression Defensiveness = Take Responsibility - understanding, apologize, take constructive criticism Stonewalling = Self Soothing - comfort yourself, come back & explain, time & space to de escalate & cope

As someone who has stonewalled before, and consciously so, there's another reason I can think of this is done. I started stonewalling when I noticed my partner doesn't reciprocate support for things that I am passionate about, and she was actually talking in a degrading tone when I brought those things up. Knowing how she reacts to that I stopped bringing it up. In part because I was very passionate about the subject and spent a lot of time practicing activities related to that I just had little else to talk to her about. And in equal part I was doing it to not expose myself to negative energy regarding that topic. Imagine being passionate about something and sharing with your partner but they say "that's trash". Imagine that happening 50-60 times, what would that do to your psyche and your pursuit of that passion? I still struggle to pick up my last project that I brought up to her, because of the memories of her reaction.

A great piece of advice I heard once for delivering criticism to another person: avoid using the word "you" if at all possible. It really helps to stop the other person seeing it as a personal attack and becoming defensive. e.g. You never do the dishes when it's your turn. becomes The dishes are never done even though we agreed we'd take turns.

I got stuck at situationship and was never even able to see what could’ve been. Almost 4 years later and I’m still feeling emotionally scarred.

I remember watching that video back then (I was in a relationship) and not thinking anything of it and just taking notes but now I realize that I was guilty to some point of all the "traits" it's funny how sometimes you don't realize your own flaws Anyway love your videos and thank you for educating me ❤️

Gottman's book, 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work, is our go-to wedding present. It's so illuminating.

my guess list: 1. Insecurity/groundless doubts. 2. Micromanaging. 3. Easily getting agressive/defensive and/or starting constant fight over little things. 4. Past (exes, past hookups, past fwb and all that)

My partner and I always watch these types of videos when you make them! It really helps us communicate, show appreciation and value one another. Thank you!

Stonewalling is my penetrable defense 💀 If I'm stonewalling, I've essentially given up & I'm probably "protecting" myself. But this is massively destructive in a relationship & I will improve myself!

Stone walling is my go to. It’s not me trying to punish anyone but any of the previous horsemens lead me to immediately stonewalling. It’s more like I’m processing or feel like there’s nothing more for me to say if the second party is set in their ways. It definitely would help if I communicated that I need time before jumping back into the argument/conversation. It’s just really hard when the other person doesn’t understand and would rather deal with it right then and there. Things are so much better when both parties get to cool off, being so aggressive like that is so toxic!! But I get me stonewalling is toxic too

thank god i found your channel. i am so in love with my boyfriend but i am kinda really traumatized by my past and didn’t really understand how deep the wound is till i met him. i feel so guilty for doing all these things to him while he gives me so much grace as i attempt to heal. your videos are amazing thank you so much! i’m excited to make notes and refer to them when i need help bringing down my wall and giving my love the grace he deserves!!!

Now I understand why I lost that one friend. Every time I tried to communicate what made me uncomfortable instead of admitting what she did wrong she would deny what she did and it would piss me off. If there was something I did wrong she would tell me that with contempt and I would automatically get defensive. Of course, I could do better too but now I know how it is. I come from a chaotic household and never knew what healthy communication looked like, I'm learning little by little, and this video helped me to realise many things, thank you very much.❤

I sort of do the stonewalling now.. after 13 years together. Sometimes it's out of completely giving up when the other person will not accept any constructive criticism, will not compromise, and will not try to work on the relationship because in their eyes, it's perfect (because I'm the one pulling the weight, it's just easy breezy for them)

Stonewalling, defensiveness, contempt, resentment

I had poor boundaries and my ex took advantage. I was dealing with difficult medical issues and the stuff in this video began to happen on his end. I’m glad I let that ship sink. Honestly, if someone is willing to devalue you over things you can’t help, they are a garbage partner and you will be happier without them. I was extremely depressed and a few weeks out after breakup things just started to get better and better for me. Looking back, what disgusts me the most was we had a conversation once about how a friend of a friend of his had k*led herself, and how sad that was. But when I started having s*icidal thoughts, he didn’t say or do anything. Except that it was too upsetting to hear. I say this because a person like this is too WEAK to help you in a life threatening situation. Weak and self centered. I am insecure and I was a people pleaser. That left me vulnerable to being used. I recommend that even if you don’t think highly of yourself, still have boundaries because just being too forgiving and grateful to someone like my ex made him feel comfortable devaluing and mistreating me.

Be humble, be kind, be slow to anger and quick to forgive

I love the skits 😂😂 I’m really glad this video came out. Been fighting with my partner for a while due to everything that was explained in the video. Him always coming into the room asking why I didn’t do this or that and me getting upset for how he came at me (the way he says it). Like damn not even a ‘hey babe I missed you’ just straight to ‘why didn’t you clean *insert whatever he wanted me to clean*’ while I’m literally standing there doin dishes. Bruh .

This is remarkably practical and concise. Well done.

My psychologist just told me about the four horsemen of the apocalypse but she did not go into details on that. Thanks for the video!

Thinking about my last relationship, when things got bad I'd go quiet and automatically deal with it by self-soothing, would disconnect and go deep into my hobbies. I don't think that's entirely healthy though - I wish I'd just been more up-front and spoken to her straight away about what had hurt. But it was kind of because stuff takes time to process, and I didn't want to just fly off the handle and risk making things worse. So yeah, I think I'd say self-soothing isn't necessarily the antidote to stonewalling, but more that you should try to keep the lines of communication open. "I can see you're hurt, want to talk about what's up?". Urgh, god looking back that relationship was awful and I'm glad it's over. But at the time I didn't want to risk losing it.

Omg your edits had me dying, especially the kissing at the end hahahah

I'm gonna say criticism is my go to. I'm dating someone right now, and I am having an extremely difficult time navigating. I think I'm so afraid of being hurt again that it's easier to criticize and find ways out. Every time this guy does something I do not like or that I see as a red flag, I immediately question him as an entire person. I have a hard time recognizing a behavior as a single event. For example, if he said or did something that hurt my feelings, it's easier for me to justify breaking up with him than bringing it up. Thank God for my therapist. I really want to give this a true chance.

Ex and I ended the relationship 5 years ago, going through CBT and therapists helped a lot. Watches Ana's video → Checks yes on all 4 relationship killers. *Damn, I really suck as a boyfriend* Edit: Yo Ana, do you have a subreddit lol

The skits made me laugh and thanks for the knowledge that you continue to share.

I remember the older video and at first I thought I was experiencing dejavú 😅 I really love the skits they’re such great examples! Thank you for revisiting this topic!

Such a good video 😂 I really like that you act genuine on camera and let your content be the star of the show. You have great things to teach us and I really appreciate it.

I read Gottman's book in an attempt to repair my marriage. Unfortunately, he was unwilling to change (our therapist diagnosed him as a narcissist) but one thing I did learn from the book was regarding defensiveness. I never displayed the other 3 behaviors (my partner did) but I learned that it is wise to and restorative to all relationships to listen to someone when they offer complaints. I was always so afraid of being punished and felt at times people were unfair to me, but realized even in those cases, it's ok to just say: "Tell me more. What can I do to repair this? Thank you for telling me, I will think about that." It is very liberating!

love u ana!!! could you please consider making a video abt survivor guilt and coping with it?

HAHA love the little gold nugget of role play at the end, surprised no one's commented on it yet. Love your videos, they're really informative and helpful, keep up the good work!❤

How would you approach criticism when it's your partner causing the issue? Like not doing a chore, forgetting something, etc. I could say "it makes me feel like I am not being heard or thought of when you forget to take out the trash after I ask you to, it would really make me feel heard and thought of if you did that without me asking". I feel like that sounds condescending

"You know what, you just might be" made me lol 😂

The kissing in the end was definitely comedic genius 🤣

The 👩🏻‍❤️‍💋‍👩🏻👩🏻‍❤️‍💋‍👩🏻👩🏻‍❤️‍💋‍👩🏻 at the end of the video was so sweet. I’ve just came to understanding that I watch your videos from the very beginning🥰 You’ve grown so much! And now I’m 23😅

Can you make a video on panic attacks? It would be nice to have a guide on what causes them amd how to manage them, also how to support a friend who has them. I've done some reading about them but I would trust your research a lot more than my own lol

Just so you know everyone, this topic doesn't just include couples. It also goes for your family and siblings as well.

The last clip of them kissing is so funny 😂 So helpful as always!

Love this video. When I find myself in a relationship years from now, I’ll come back to this bookmark :D

Hey I remember the OG video and I was searching for it a few days back and I didn't find it 😄 Glad you made a new version of it, this info is super crucial 😄

i’m sorry but when you said you were 23 three years ago my jaw dropped. you have great skin!! also you are very well spoken. thank you for the informative video!

Antidotes Criticism 4:26 Contempt 5:29 Defense 6:59 Stonewalling 8:28

this video made me reflect back to my past relationship, i noticed a lot of behaviors i myself did that i was flawed upon yet i realized also quite a lot of things i took great care upon. This made me feel a lot less guilty about my relationship ending i appreciate this video for making me notice some of these behaviors, love the video thank you!

At the start of this video my guesses are: 1. Loss of respect 2. Neglect 3. Individual (single) mindset rather than team mindset 4. Lack of compromise

My ex wife criticized, I stonewalled and we were both defensive. Now I’m trying to unlearn my bad behaviors and look for good ones in others.

I love this new version! Especially the example with the couple. The pink hat really suits Bob 😁Wow, it's already been 3 years since I have discovered you!

Someone better give you a goddamn academy award for your performance as Bob.

listening to this and thinking about breakups and friendships lost is a little painful but good for me thankyou

1:50 Criticism, 2:05 contempt, 2:42 defensiveness, 3:22 stonewalling

That was a great illustration of the 4 horsemen.

You totally made me realize I have a Bombay. We’ve had him for 8 years, too! He wandered into our backyard as a tiny kitten one night during a rain storm, our Siberian Husky found him and started barking, if you know Huskies, they only bark if they see something. He checks all the boxes! Very interesting.

Big fan of your montage skills ! Love the dynamism of it all. Not to mention the content, of course. ❤

Love your little enactments 😂 adds a lot to the video! Keep it up!

Its amazing the amount of information you give for free, thanks !

Bombay Cat - Like a monkey, cat, and dog all rolled into one. Learned so much today.

Great video! Def improved on the previous one. The ending was hilarious. 4 thumbs up

Hi Ana! Been watching your videos for a long time and have greatly enjoyed them along with them helping me improve myself and my interpersonal relationships. Not sure if this topic is in the realm of videos you might be interested in producing, but I was wondering if you could make a video in regards to Post SSRI Sexual dysfunction. It's been recognized by the EMA, and it is a debilitating and life ruining condition that has affected thousands of people that all they wished to do was treat their mental health (including myself..). It seems there is a growing awareness of this condition given the number of PSSD subreddit members exponentially growing over the last 18 months. I really appreciate it!

I’m literally with a guy for over a year but it’s really complicated bc we are not “dating” like we don’t label it. It’s mostly because we are both very focused on studies and in our own life and we have a bit of distance like 2 cities apart so it’s kind of difficult to see each other all the time due to the fact that we don’t have cars, so the only way is to use trains. Well, it is lasting, i need to admit. I never thought i would “be with someone” for over a year because i always had problems keeping people around because i would often get sick of them, but with him is different, bc i am someone who needs space so is him. The thing is, society always makes me feel like our relationship is not right, because most people have this one sight view to relationships: spending everyday together, always being around each other, posting, etc. but i dont see that being so necessary, i am very sufficient on my own and don’t need someone everyday around me. So yeah. I just feel preassured sometimes due to society pov, which is not even mines.

My guesses are criticism, rejection, dissatisfaction, and avoidance

shit had some recoil

Thank you Ana for this helpful conversation!

Thanks for the videos, they have been very calming to watch during my exams ♥️

That skit was everything ana lmaoo

My boyfriend is that kind of person you described where he enter the room and everyone knows he appreciate life. Me, on the other side, I'm the opposite. I really hate this side of my character, and I'm sad that I often find myself criticising him, even if sometimes I do it in my head. It's really hard to change a core part of you. Do you have any tips on how to do that?

Appreciate the update!

It’s interesting that you mention how this can apply to any type of relationship, because when I hear your four antidotes, I think of people I’d call “friendly”. Literally like a friend, and it makes sense because all of my very long term friends have demonstrated these qualities one way or another

That example was very insightful, appreciate the information Ana. Thank you, keep it up!

I do the first two soooo much. With people I’m interested in and friends. And it has indeed ruined all of my relationships. Currently trying to figuring out why I have to always feel like I have to prove a point or make it seem like my answer/logic is always the right. Hopefully I can get rid of this ridiculous personality and character flaw soon.

I loved your video, you are every time getting better, congrats

Leading by example is something that can be difficult to do but it's also very good and necessary. If I want to nurture a certain behavior in a certain environment, I behave in that way consistently, every day, all the time. I don't tell people that I'm doing it, but I let them learn through observation. Eventually through imitation they have a chance to adopt the new behavior. I say chance because that's all it is - a chance. There's no guarantee, and not everyone will change their behavior. If I truly need someone to understand how important a behavior is to me, and I don't see them adjusting to me in any capacity (by adopting the same behavior or adjusting otherwise), I will eventually tell them my way of doing things. Only if then, after a few attempts at explaining, they still refuse to adjust in any way, do I have a right to be upset at them. I can't just tell people that I need them to adjust and leave it at that, because that alone is not enough. The same thing is true with unwanted behaviors. I cannot be a hypocrite about any types of behavior. Everything I do in front of others can be observed and so it can be imitated and adopted.

About stonewalling, I think giving an estimated amount of time is very important advice. Especially if you are consistent with respecting it. I think it gives the other person a sense of security knowing that you will address the situation and that you're not just postponing it to avoid it. I wish I knew this sooner. Edit: the ending lol

Thanks! My partner has a psychology background and a high level of emotional intelligence/ intelligence with relationships. And these videos help me be more on that level.

I'll make it easy for everyone - if you think your words are going to hurt someone, DON'T SAY IT. Twenty-five years of marriage has taught me to be honest and thoughtful. To have the tone of a good father - because I am one, and you don't hurt the ones you love. I let all of you in on a little secret. It works really well on employees as well.

It sucks when they say you're controlling if you said your example about the co worker

Love the skit idea. Helps me understand the concepts better

I actually did one of those today! I took responsibility even though I technically did nothing wrong. I said to my date that while I did in fact say the thing she was saying I didn't say (she misread essentially) I could still have been clearer and more explicit on such an important topic.

Hi Ana, I love your videos I was wondering if you can recommend some resources to learn more about psychology for someone who doesn't study psychology? It always fascinates me listening to people who study psychology, because I feel like they base all of their opinions and world views based on their studies. As someone who is studying management, this is something we don't learn in school but can be very useful

I’ve been with my partner for almost 9 years as a 24 year old and I must say, I was expecting an over-analytical Video with way too many rules and regulations. I was pleasantly surprised with this very well thought out, and executed explanation.

Loved the last bit lol Great video 👍

Those sketches are just 👌 chef's kiss

Thankyou for more useful information. By the way, I think I have a Bombay Cat as well. She has a beautiful solid black coat and yellow eyes. But, she is shy and doesn’t like to be petted.

Alright. Next time I need to end a relationship I'll make sure to keep these four steps in mind. Thanks for the tips!

Very insightful and very well produced!! Thank you Ana!!!!

I love the new small "skits" recreating the situations you're talking about lol

That was a good video! haha. Keep it up, it helps a lot

Love the role play, even the cat had his part :D

I love bob’s hat! Keep up the great work

Hi Ana, would you mind doing a video on adhd? I’m 28 and I’ve been anxious/depressed for a long time, anti depressants make me worse etc. I figured out I might have adhd and I have a few assessments in the next few weeks

Would say, lack of vulnerability lack of interest/commitment lack of communication lack of trust

bookmarking this - thanks!

Something has changed about Your skin and overall fatial features, You seem healthier, well rested. Take care of Yourself!

I do all of these things sometimes, but I'm working hard on changing so that I can be the best partner that I can be for my beautiful wife.

that little skit was perfect to explain the four points 🤚

Not content related: your make-up here is 🔥🔥🔥🔥 Eyes and eyebrows are on point!

My guesses: Dishonesty/lies/secrets/cheating, different goals/morals/values, and nagging

Thinking that this needs to be explained to anyone at all is just so weird to me. My parents throw barbs at each other all the time, and I'm sitting there thinking "don't you know how to just talk like normal?"

guessing lack of verbal affection (not complimenting them or acknowledging how much u appreciate them), being argumentative, not being able to accept help or communicate that you need it, not spending frequent alone time together

Helpful Great video thanks Dr Anna

Trying to guess I'd say: -Bad (or nule) comunication -No goals in common -Distance -Severe interests conflicts

Thank you so much 🖤💛