I was today years old when I realised I've been inadvertently sabotaging conversations for years. I feel so attacked.

I INTERROGATE THE PERSON BECAUSE I LITERALLY DONT KNOW HOW TO CARRY A CONVERSATION

Her: Explains all the things not to say Me: Literally what's left?!🤦

Them: ughh it's so hot Me: ugh I know right Them: ugh yess *conversation = ends* *we = stop talking* *Hotel = Trivago*

these 7 things are literally the only ways i respond and im..... concerned

So... “That’s rough buddy” was always the way to go?

Introverts be like: *"I need this, but I really don't need this, yet I need this"*

Oh my gosh! When she was listing the 7 things like "don't give advice", "don't start philosophizing", "don't pity", etc. After number seven I was like: "Wait, what is else is there left?"

*_“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” ― Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People

"I've read books" - Cut to all the books being red. I see you Anna. I see that invisible joke.

Just say "it do be like that sometimes"

you can't forget the classic "i- i don't know what to say...." * complete silence for like 25 seconds*

1. Denying people’s feelings 2. Philosophical response 3. Questions 4. Defense of the other person 5. Pity 6. Ameteur psychoanalysis 7. Giving advice So.. empathy & acknowledge other persons feelings & let them feel heard

I wish you discussed this in more depth because all these things are really dependant on the context and the conversation

"Everyone should be in therapy" is my life motto

1. Denying People's Feelings 2. Philosophical Response 3. Questions 4. Defense of the Other Person 5. Pity 6. Amateur Psycho-analysis 7. Giving Advice

I don’t know if I agree with this. Asking questions is a way of showing interest and advice is often the reason for the conversation. If someone would just empathetically confirm my emotions (”that must have been so hard for you”), I would probably be a little annoyed that they didn’t ask questions or provide something useful (like advice or another perspective). I also get really annoyed when people consistently take my side, because they think that their task is just to make me feel justified, when I really want to know if I did the right thing or not. I think the right response is often very dependent on the conversation - sometimes questions and advice are appropriate and sometimes they’re not.

you're telling me that in reality 'damn thats crazyyyy' has always been the best way to go about this

3:30 Noo... I would never want someone to respond to me like that. I don’t want them to worsen my perception of the situation by them giving their own pessimistic view on it. I would want them to give me encouragement, relate with me If possible, and give me a reason to see a silver lining

Life hack: don’t talk to people at all

I do some of these in order to KEEP the conversation GOING 😂😂

Wait aren't question supposed to show interests?

This is a good reminder that we should listen more and be more empathetic during conversations :) Although I don't think that the 7 ways are absolute no-no's, I do think that valuing empathetic listening over trying to give a superficial response in those 7 ways is very important.

actually, i wish someone would talk to me in some of these ways, it's way better than being sad with me or something like that, idk man

Listening and validating someone else's emotions are the only way to connect with people through words? If that's true, then it's very important to emphasize that it must be reciprocated. Otherwise you'll be surrounded by people who believe your time and brain simply exist as a dumping ground for all their problems. Which leads to one sided relationships that are completely unrewarding. Emotions are important but focusing on them to the exclusion of all else can lead to boring and draining interactions.

Personally, I hate when people walk on eggshells around me or "baby" me. Like just be direct, tell me how u really feel Like that lil scene where Anna was like "maybe the boss was having a rough day"- if someone told me that, truthfully, I would probably be annoyed in the moment but later on i'd be grateful that my friend was saying what they authentically felt yk? They weren't just saying what I wanted to hear (that my boss is a b*tch) out of fear of ruining our friendship, but simply stating a plausible other explanation for my boss' behaviour. Honestly I'd take that as an act of love. We need to come out of ourselves sometimes, take a step back and see that not everyone's actions is motivated by their feelings for US, sometimes people have lives and interactions outside of us, and having the ability to see life from that perspective is very important

I've learned the hard way that you should always ask if the other person wants advice before dispensing it.

I sent this to my mom. She always defends the other person. Every. Single. Time. Thanks Anna! Maybe she'll listen to you :D

So basically... don't speak. Don't say anything, just agree... I'm so confused lol 😂😂😂

Meh. I think asking questions for clarification is a sign you're listening.

how do you even empathize without kind of lying to yourself, what if that's not even what you feel?

Who else broke all of them in a single conversation?

I was today year’s old when I found out that the hand gun isn’t the gun itself but how you hold the gun 🤯

I don’t agree with some of them because sometimes you need to be more honest with people.

This is great advice if you want to be superficially likeable and not ever help anyone with anything as a true friend should. The whole "listen and let people vent" thing doesn't work, sometimes as a true friend you have to lay the smack down and wake someone up. They may not like it or feel comfortable about it, but that's actually exactly the point quite often.

My mind just screamed, “what other options do I have”? Ahaha

Those seven ways are the only ways I communicate and I don't know how to not??? The line between empathy and pity is kinda blurred for me

Socially awkward af 😭, it gets so much worse if I get anxious (most of the time)

sooo if the other person is saying that they're too hot and I'm comfortable or cold, what do I say?

I think it's a matter of understanding when it's appropirate to just nod and agree and when you have to step in and give advice or say what you trully believe etc.. Sometimes people are in such distress that they just want to talk to someone as if they are talking to themselves in an attept to gather their thoughts and feelings, but sometimes our friends reach out to us in order to help them see a different point of view and offer our help. (Hope it makes sense I'm not a native speaker)

QUESTIONS are ESSENTIAL for interesting conversations, but you HAVE TO be careful about THE WAY you're asking them in order to get an interesting answer. Also I think defending the other person is sometimes a great way to help the person you're talking to understand the other person's state of mind. *It's always nice to have another point of view.*

What a relief, my go to response isn't part of this list: absolute silence.

friend:"my boss was so rude today" me:"okay"(trying to avoid all the 7 rules) vs friend:"my boss was so rude today" me:"oh that's awfull. What did they do?" which one shows more interest and carrying🤷‍♀️

Best thing to do when someone asks tells you about something that bothered them, ask them what they need…just to listen, advice, another perspective

Anna: Seven ways you ruin a conversation Me: I do all those things Next day: Coworker: Expresses how they’re feeling Me: I like eggs.

Hmm. I feel personally attacked. How dare you know that I'm guilty of most of these

No stop I always ask questions, like when my roommate was crying about how depressed she was. "are you on your antidepressants?" "what's the dosage now" "should you increase it?" "have you gone to therapy?" "did anything trigger it?" "do you want me to do anything for you?" "ya want some fooood?" AHHHHH NOOO

Hi Anna, I just want to say, you have been such a great help to people who are actually having a hard time connecting to other people.

Anna: Is guilty of all seven ways Me: Wow that's tough how can somone...oh(x7) that's how. Huh I do that.

You have to be careful though. There's also the risk of taking the empathy thing too far and coming off as insincere, sarcastic and condescending. There's someone I know who does this and it's so grating. For example; once a bunch of loud motorbikes drove past us and I casually commented that I can't stand the sound of bikes. They responded with "Aww really? That must be so hard for you right?".... 🙄🙄🙄

I love you, that’s all

Depending on the conversation, there are times when 3:29 might make me uncomfortable for simply having my feelings being overemphasized... Like it's being put on top of the conversation. I can just tell that a person is trying too hard to fish out words to comfort me, especially if it's done in wrong timing. Unless, the person or friend has a follow-up advice or even anything relatable they can share, the discomfort will go away~

wow whenever i need advice she’s always here, thank you :,)

Nah I prefer ppl giving genuine advice or even their take at psycho analysis

1:19 was so cute!! That little “ooh!!” With the fingers. Omg. So cute. Can’t stop replaying that part. But yeah I agree. I want them to continue talking so I ask a lot of questions to get the whole picture and all of that. Then sometimes I share my own story... yeah I don’t communicate well. I do all of these things. This is hard.

But..when I do that, they feel like I don't care about them, they need advice literally. That's why I listen and gave them some advice to make them feel better.

at 3:13 right now, and she has just stated every point bad coversation( all of which im guilty of), and so i came to the conclustion: In order to talk to people, you must not talk to people.

Not every conversation is a cry for validation. I mean, unless you're a walking pity party or something equally dysfunctional.

Love this...so legit. Thank u

I haven’t seen your videos in so long. So glad to be back. This is SO true. I’ve definitely done these. Empathy and listening is the way to do it. Thank You for your videos, Anna. GOD Bless You!

Anna:...read books... **shows red books**

I think this advice is great if your only intention is to build superficial relationships.

i dont know if you’ll ever see this but after watching this for the first time, i’ve gotten better at talking to my friends when they’re having a rough time and like today, i still come back to it to remind myself of what to do when someone comes to me with a problem so thank you. i realized i do a lot of the things that i shouldnt be doing and im getting better at being more empathetic because of your content💓

This is soo needed in my life. I only feel comfortable on my channel but not in real life talking

"EVERYONE SHOULD BE IN THERAPY!" I will NEVER stop saying this...

I disagree. Many of those responses are just about being honest. I think they should be okay as long as you acknowledge the other persons feelings. Personally I would like it if the other person gave advice, and gave me their view on my problem as well🤷🏻‍♀️

How am I just finding this channel?! Omg its outstanding.

not me watching this because quarantine has made me forget how to hold conversations

My entire personality is built on amateur philosophy and psychoanalysis it's all I do 😭

Ana these are ways not to start a conversation. The book goes into greater details on how to communicate the same ideas constructively. Some of these are essential for active listening in adult conversations and also, the most difficult thing is, feelings are not arguments. There is time when you need to be curt and be direct so in the long term children can learn. The book skims over some of these poo to. Long term growth should be considered in heavily important topics. The normal functionality of conversation this technique is okay, but leads to permissive parenting if done always. And, you should expound on these or the little knowledge you gave can be more dangerous than not knowing anything.

i love you. You support me so much, these do help even though most of the time I feel exposed for my true feelings but then you show me how to deal with them and I appreciate it.

Thanks for the share, have done all of this over the years and makes sense.

1:02 I love that "read books" is actually you pointing at *red* books.

I truly believe those are awful way to respond in a conversation only if it's the first way you react to what the other person is saying. Giving advice, being philosophical o trying to shift the other person's point of view are not terrible ways to deal with a situation. They are only when the other person doesn't feel like they've been listened enough.

"....then interrupted sporadically with cutaways to illustrate or negate the points" - love you Anna!

I’ve seen her three videos so far and love her contents so much!!!

“How to have boring conversations”

1 way I'm ruining a conversation: Opening my mouth. Feelsbad.

Your channel is gold! Thank you

Thank you so much for all the videos you make

1:02 Was that... a pun?... “Read books” and “red books”?.... If it was that was such a clever little thing to do.

Wouldn't asking questions help you to be empathetic? What if you don't understand the situation

I just started watching your content today and I'm already binging at 6 AM! Keep up the good work!

🤯mind blown. Thank you!

I regularly forget how to interact like a human being too!

I'm a great conversationalist. I always ask for consent even when it's just a question. I'm also a very empathetic person. Sometimes people just need to listen which is why every time a friend wants to talk, I always preface with, "do you want me to just listen or also give my input?" Being an aspiring sex coach really has gotten me here lol. All those trainings, my peeps.

I totally just bought 2-3 of the books on your bookshelf just now! Also the color coordination on that shelf… hell yeah!

I am literally so impressed with your channel. Followed

Well I'm guilty as charged. See you guys in the converse county jail.

7 ways Anna Akana makes our lives better: she keeps making incredibly helpful videos wow

u always make me wanna be a better person, thank u so much for ur effort 💕💕

Thank you for posting this!!! Sooo under-discussed

This is a great way to invite complainers into your life. An empathetic response validation whatever the person is saying is good in certain situations, just as the 7 other "wrong" responses a good in other situations. Acknowledging feelings is only the first step in creating a good connexion, there's more to that if you want to maintain that good connexion and many of those 7 other responses are great follow-ups to that initial empathetic reaction.

OH. That makes sense. As a child our feelings are denied. That’s why we do this. THAMK YOUUU!!!

For years I have been the person that people come to for advice, they have told me that they trust my input and that they trust that I will listen to them. For a long time I have been a guy who just listens to what people say; paying attention to what what they say, how they feel when they say it, and what reason they have for saying it. This helped me to see how people think, why they do and say the things that they do and say, and when they feel like they need to talk. If you want to be a better talker, be a better listener. Do not force the conversation that you want be a part of the one you are in. If you pay attention to the situation involved, words used, attitude of the person during the conversation, and physical cues (which are different from person to person, and is likely the most important and difficult part to learn) you can become a better talker. You should only give advice if someone asks for it or when they truly need it, not when you want to give it. But after stating all of the above, I still make mistakes and sabotage conversations. No one is perfect and it is easy to make these errors, just do what you can to avoid them and it will become easier to such.

Thank you for this!!!!

that amateur psychoanalysis kinda hit close to home

The problem is, how the f does KZfaq knows I’m bad at talking? I literally just did all of these🤦🏻‍♀️

Omggg I do all those! Thanks soooo muchhhhh❤️❤️❤️