Criminal: "Please, I swear on my innocence!" Valentinian: "Swear on MY Innocence."

And a statue of his death screaming at someone bit funny if it happened

I’ve read Ammianus Marcellinus and I’m happy to give you a list of his anger *Valentinian, being a man of a naturally ferocious disposition, when Maximin arrived, having no one to give him good advice or to restrain him, proceeded, as if hurried on by a storm of winds and waves, to all kinds of cruel actions; so that when angry, his voice, his countenance, his gait, and his complexion, were continually changing. And of this passionate intemperance there are many undoubted instances, of which it will be sufficient to recount a few.* *A certain grown-up youth, of those called pages, having been appointed to take care of a Spartan hound which had been brought out for hunting, let him loose before the appointed moment, because the animal, in its efforts to escape, leaped upon him and bit him; and for this he was beaten to death and buried the same day.* *The master of a workshop, who had brought the emperor an offering of a breastplate most exquisitely polished, and who was therefore in expectation of a reward, was ordered by him to be put to death because the steel was of less weight than he considered requisite.* *Constantianus, the master of the stables, having ventured to change a few of the horses, to select which he had been despatched to Sardinia, was, by his order, stoned to death.* *Athanasius, a very popular character, being suspected by him of some levity in the language he held among the common people, was sentenced to be burnt alive if he ever did anything of the kind again; and not long afterwards, being accused of having practised magic, he was actually burnt, no pardon being given even to one whose devices had often afforded the emperor great amusement.* *Africanus was an advocate of great diligence, residing in Rome; he had had the government of one province, and aspired to that of another. But when Count Theodosius, the commander of the cavalry, supported his petition for such an office, the emperor answered him somewhat rudely, "Away with you, O count, and change the head of the man who wishes to have his province changed." And by this sentence a man of great eloquence perished, only because, like many others, he wished for higher preferment.* *The mind shudders at the idea of recapitulating all that took place, and, indeed, dreads to do so, lest we should appear to make a business of pointing out the vices of an emperor who, in other respects, had many good qualities. But this one circumstance may not be passed over in silence nor suppressed, that he kept two ferocious she-bears who were used to eat men; and they had names, Golden Camel and Innocence, and these beasts he took such care of that he had their dens close to his bedchamber; and appointed over them trusty keepers who were bound to take especial care that the odious fury of these monsters should never be checked. At last he had Innocence set free, after he had seen the burial of many corpses which she had torn to pieces, giving her the range of the forests as a reward for her services.*

And not to seem unfair, Ammianus Marcellinus then gives a list of Valentinian’s virtues *1. It is natural for us, after discussing these topics, if we would act fairly, now to come to his virtuous and laudable actions; since if he had tempered his vices fairly with them he would have been a second Trajan or Marcus Aurelius. Towards the people of the provinces he was very considerate, lightening the burden of their tributes throughout the empire. He also exerted himself in a very beneficial manner in building towns and strengthening the frontiers. He was a strict observer of military discipline erring only in this respect, that while he punished even slight misconduct on the part of the common soldiers, he was lenient towards officers of rank and shut his ears against every complaint that was uttered against them.* *2. He was, both at home and abroad, a strict observer of modesty and chastity, keeping his conscience wholly free from all taint of impurity or obscenity, and in consequence he bridled the wantonness of the imperial court as with a strong rein; and he was the more easily able to do this because he had never shown any indulgence to his own relations, whom he either kept in obscurity, or (if he promoted them at all) raised to a very moderate rank, with the exception of his brother, whom, in deference to the necessities of the times, he made his partner in the imperial dignity.* *3. He was very scrupulous in giving high rank to any one; nor, as long as he was emperor, did any one of the moneyed interest become ruler of a province, nor was any government sold, unless it was at the beginning of his reign, when wicked actions were sometimes committed in the hope that the new prince would be too much occupied to punish them.* *4. In waging war, and in defending himself from attacks, he was prudent and very skilful, like a veteran of great experience in military affairs. He was a very wise admirer of all that was good, and dissuader from all that was bad; and a very accurate observer of all the details of military service. He wrote with elegance, and described everything with great neatness and skill in composition. He was an inventor of new arms. He had an excellent memory, and a fluent, easy style of speaking, which at times bordered closely upon eloquence. He was a lover of elegant simplicity, and was fond, not so much of profuse banquets, as of entertainments directed by good taste.* *5. Lastly, he was especially remarkable during his reign for his moderation in this particular, that he kept a middle course between the different sects of religion; and never troubled any one, nor issued any orders in favour of one kind of worship or another; nor did he promulgate any threatening edicts to bow down the necks of his subjects to the form of worship to which he himself was inclined; but he left these parties just as he found them, without making any alterations.* *6. His body was muscular and strong: the brightness of his hair - the brilliancy of his complexion, with his blue eyes, which always looked askance with a stern aspect - the beauty of his figure - his lofty stature, and the admirable harmony of all his features - filled up the dignity and beauty of an appearance which bespoke a monarch.*

@@joellaz9836 i promise to build a 20 meter statue of him with a 10 meter base with a raging face made of marble if i get the chance

​@@joellaz9836that is a long list

The siege one, is a reason why I will always claim that Italy has always been a Matriarchy. If you send our Mothers and Wives at us, we’ll do what ever they want. Nero, being the obvious exception.

@@wetwillyis_1881 are you crazy?

Last funny video

This is one of the best things I've every read I really needed to read this thnx.

I feel like Severa has some very specific ulterior motive.

@@blugaledoh2669 I mean would you say no to Constanian milkers?

​@@blugaledoh2669 explain please.

@@maddraugr4667 lesbian.

It was a “practical joke!” It’s all the stupid senator’s fault! I didn’t do anything, apart from terrorising senators, they deserved it!

@@HaroldMC63 a absolute powerplay from our emperor.

Proceeds to get murdered

A iam fairly sure that punisment fór sex to vestals was stoning

what a tremendous, steaming pile of horseshit.

Looks like the greatest christian fanfic since the Bible

@@freddekl1102 Much edge, such wow.

@@freddekl1102 🎪

It's actually the final 2. This is because the Bellum Jugurthinum references the episode kind of in passing, so some details are missing. Gregory Kneidel's work references the situation more thouroughly, as he's looking the give context to the words Horace says about the whole affair (as seen in the video). Steven Saylor's book A Murder on the Appian Way also references the episode, but since that's a novel, it doesn't really count as a source, even if Saylor is usually very good with his information.

@@spectrum1140 Thank you!

Hahahahahahah honestly if Fausta is Sulla's daughter it could be? Absolutely hilarious however

I've thought about it, but I'll never do it. I'm not touching that hornet's nest.

@@spectrum1140 can you rank the persian emperors

Put the sources for the stories I've found in the description. As you can see, there's no Historia Augusta.

@@spectrum1140: Oh, thank Deus Sol Invictus!

Imagine if Romans had Tinder...