I think I would agree with this 100%. Even you are showing signs of anxious when the partner is secure you as anxious will be more of a secure. But with avoidant you will show all you anxiety.

I appreciate reading this. All of the quizzes I take say I'm secure, but I react more anxiously when a lover pulls away. Is it anxious of me to ask "what's going on?" when he starts pulling away. My husband (yes, I'm in an open marriage) is anxiously attached to me which makes me avoidant of him. (We have learned to balance more lately.) I would like to learn more if secure ppl can get sucked into a push pull with different styles. Or if ppl can be different styles w different partners.

@@BloomingRecklesslysame situation here, also for 2 years. keep on going

​@@BloomingRecklessly I'm sorry you experienced that. You were way too patient. I thought 4 months was too long so far

This happened to me I am normally fairly secure in relationships probably somewhere on the border but being with an avoidant turned me very anxious.

You are so right. I have always chased guys and it never worked. No more lowering my value for anyone. The right person will match up to me.

Exactly. Just ghost people that play games.

I'm in the same situation right now and it's safe to say that I'm done ! Not anymore wanting and waiting; let people meet me where I am. I sent a voice note of a closure and I'm as much as I still love my sp, I can't anymore. I'm out

Good luck, sounds like you have some clarity on this. More than me, I fear that my partner and I both have fearful avoidant and anxious and they are interchangeable!

I get you. It feels too much like playing games. At this point, if I manage to detach, it’ll be for my own well-being, so if this is what attracts him back, he might be out of luck. Avoidants gotta learn to meet us half-way. It can’t be all us. Take a leap of faith. We’re not baby-sitters. And no matter how secure I am with other people in my life, with him I can fall into the same anxiety, especially because I can feel what a wreck he is. I’m tired. If it’s meant to happen, he’ll make it happen - before I detach for good.

I don’t even think it’s about anxious attachment tbh. I was like that but I had healed. Being with an avoidant actually opened up those old wounds. To me, avoidant is abusive behaviour. When you compare to narcissism, the impact of their conduct creates the same results. Needing space is the same as “silent treatment”. Walking on eggshells and scared to talk about the future is as bad as being future faked. To me, this whole anxious / avoidant dynamic is a way to justify what is a controlling relationship-one in which the victim is unable to speak up because they are convinced the man is terrified of adult emotions

@@cassandratarotspells369 it’s very easy for people to invalidate our healing just because we can fall back into old patterns with an avoidant. It’s very frustrating, because I’ve handled every new situation differently for years. We also gotta consider that we can FEEL that something is wrong before we have reason to know it, so we act accordingly. Turns out, I’ve never been anxious for no reason. It was always my intuition.

Not my experience.

Unfortunately that's what happened to me, or else an angry I'm okay, stop bothering me. Then they randomly explode one day....

Yup

No not how it happend with me

​@@mielleppens7586what happened to you?

It doesn’t matter what you do either, the smallest thing will set them off. I invited him over for dinner- he agreed and said he was looking forward to it- then stood me up and ghosted for 3 weeks. He later told me the dinner part scared him; I was like “ bro, it was nothing, I was just cooking dinner for us on a Saturday night at my house to watch movies”- I realized then this can’t work because I have no idea what the next thing that will set him off again

Thanks for sharing this. He is responsible for his own growth and needs to overcome his fears. You have every right to be tired. If he doesn't understand you are serious about your own growth (i.e. I know what I want) then he will lose you. And you will be better of (which is obviously not how you feel right now)

This means a lot. Thank you.

Just had a very similar experience

@@jenbodhi1133 That is true for avoidants, but they have to work on themselves. Not everyone is willing to wait for them.

​@@AlexisFriedlander you reply to your subs. IS THIS A REAL SUB. OR. ARE YOU FUCKING FAKING IT .. U BETTER BE REAL. ITS GOOD TO SAY HI TO SUBS. IF I HAD 10 SUBS. ID CHANGE THE WORD I WOULD EMPOWER THEM FOR THE BENEFIT OF MANKIND

Neither are psychopaths

@@jimmorris7260 Yes, psychopaths ARE trying to be malicious. Same with narcissists. You need to do some research.

Narcs usually FA, broken people, childhood abuse. It's sad and not always recognizable to empathic people who understand their pain and are drawn in to try heal them.

@@ashton1952 Most of your narcs and psychopaths are actually DA. The FAs I know and dated have had literally the most empathy I’ve ever seen. You’re right about trauma but both avoidants have had a lot of trauma but that doesn’t mean they’re a narcissist. Many FAs & DAs come here looking to heal and find answers, narcissists don’t do that

Does it matter whether it's malicious or not if their victims feel similar consequences?

So true love him more than anything but I can't take crumbs anymore. Spent many many years together

They’ll make even the most secure person lose their mind

I feel you...I experienced this too

Can’t agree more.

Hang in there. This is typical behaviour, but you deserve a person who tries. There's many good women out there, who will accept your vulnerabilities & efforts

I’m in the same boat 😢

Same here.. Fells like the best relationship... But he left me because I want a future with him

Going through the same thing.. I don't know how to handle it because it seems so hard to detach my heart from him, since we had something so unique and amazing. First time he left me was 2 1/2 years ago, half a year ago he came back to me and wanted a future together, now he left again. It hurts so much, and I have too many different emotions co-existing inside of me all at the same time... All I can do is pray for guidance from God. May we find peace

Truer words were never spoken

💯

@@jlynnmenzel ultimately, men like this aren’t worth the emotional investment. I would want a fully formed man who is capable of taking care of me. Not a middle-aged kidult who is scared to grow up. I never dated someone like this before, and honestly my experience with an avoidant completely broke me and has left me unable to trust or open up to anyone.. avoidants are like infectious diseases. The way they treat you makes you scared to open up and commit to someone new. Terrible experience and I highly recommend women run for the hills when they see the red flags

This is what just ruined a potential relationship for me- he ghosted me randomly for no reason- no contact for 3 weeks. We recently reconnected but I have way too much anxiety now to continue, everytime I text him I panic because I don’t know if he’ll ghost, every date I panic wondering if he’ll stand me up- I can’t live like this and there’s no trust so this is over

I just experienced this- luckily we only dated a couple months, but this did my head in, what a complete mess of a situation- 0/10 do not recommend

@@jenbodhi1133 I can totally understand.. if you wasn’t an anxious attacher, you would become one. Honestly I feel it’s so abusive, the behaviour is so toxic

😂this was my experience which is why I feel like such a bozo for staying 🤡🤡🤡

Facts they wouldn’t put you in a situation to loose them or at least communicate.People go after things they truly want and will even fight for it if they think your special but some just see you as a option

Exactly. A lot of these are not ‘avoidant’ they’re just not interested 🙄

Hard agree, not ding this. Its a bye for me. I will NOT treat myself poorly to keep someone around who isn't willing to do the work.

This is exactly what it takes, it’s not worth it

Same, also walking away, luckily it was a short relationship so I’m still somewhat sane

Simply follow Alexis advice and work on yourself. Positive thoughts and patterns heal the soul and the pain. But in my book its OK to want what was good back. Its human instinct. But follow his advice and you will feel better anyway.

How long have u been in no contact

Hi! how are you right now? any updates on your situation? I experience somewhat similar with you but in longer time. They sometimes use indirect communication, whenever I reached out, I got nothing and it hurts

I'm in the same place

I, too, am in this place. The inner conflict is too much. I'm trying to change my energy, but it's not easy.

Yt fake counselors wants us to go back. Watch the realistic ones and what avoidants really are and do. Kim Saaid.

Nobody asked for that to happen and you don't know until you know. We're all just trying our best in life to do the best with what we've got. Judgement doesn't help anyone or anything.

@@ashton1952 I agree

You want them to come back because being DA or FA is not all there is to them. You have wonderful times together and profound feelings of rich connection with them. You know that they are so very lovable and worthy of being loved, too, but you also see them engage in an internal struggle to trust their feelings, and when they retreat you instinctively get what's going on. This, for me, stirs tremendous empathy and a desire to be there for them. You can walk away from a fallen bird with a broken wing because it's "too much trouble", or maybe on the other hand you're the type of person for whom caring and patience is not too much trouble, because you can see the bird's wholeness and are willing to give it the time, space and structure to mend and be able to fly. People are built different. I notice my love tends to flow where it's needed, and I honor the wisdom of the current.

We don't decide evolutionary biological responses..

I'm not sure if my ex was DA, I feel like it was a similar situation though. I knew he still had some contact with his previous ex, so even though he never said, I think he left me to reconcile with her. She sounded toxic, but he seems to be brainwashed into believing her way of seeing things (ex. "I'm yours and you are mind" = possessiveness and jealousy isn't natural) because of "therapy". I'm sure he'll never reach out unless it's to assuage his own future guilt.

@DFRetha yeah mine idolised her ex bf. But she sabotaged it by cheating on him. And definitely got defensive if I mentioned it's inappropriate to send selfies to other guys the way she did.

@zoltszolts5632 I'm sorry you had to experience that. If she was a cheater and continued that kind of behaviour, you are lucky you aren't involved anymore. People like that will either learn their lesson too late (the damage was already done and you have moved on) or they just never will. At least you expressed your feelings though. In my case, my ex originally said that I was better than his previous relationship - confident, mature, not forcing him to break himself mentally for me - but he freely mentioned her when he could have phrased it otherwise (ex. Instead of saying he'd purchased a print and couldn't find the artist when he wanted another one, he seemed to feel it necessary to mention that he'd purchased the original prints for his ex). Once he even had the audacity to recommend that a friend of mine see his ex for therapy. He told me once she came to visit a pet they'd once shared and I wasn't comfortable with it. Now, I think I should have said so and found out earlier whether he would choose her or me. I kept my mouth shut though because I thought it wasn't my place to say who he could hang out with and I should try and trust him. Honestly, I only knew of one time, and a rodent isn't the kind of pet that warrants frequent visits. I'm sure he was in more contact with her than I knew, and even if he wasn't cheating physically, I just feel like the contact led him to reconsider the relationship we had. It's hard to compare 8 months with 5.5 years (even if she was, imo, toxic)

He only wants me when I’m gone too

He’s anxiously attached and hiding it.

Actually, he vacillates between anxious and avoidant. Would’ve thought he was anxious at the beginning of the relationship, but then he would occasionally pulled back. When we discussed attachment styles and he asked what avoidant was, he said, “isn’t that all men?” He then admitted that it was often easier to just not deal with emotions and “stuff” them down. Both breakups were out of the blue and then he suddenly seemed confused and regretful both times. No definitive explanation for the breakup either time. He is divorced, wife walked out on him after 1.5 yrs of marriage and then became a lesbian….

You are toy on the shelf, he is narcissist. Listen to Cluster B Milkshake and go no contact forever :)))

He seems to be a disorganized attachment with obvious narcissistic traits. Run!

​@@NMTDelightfulMusicless than 1% of the population are true narcs. Most likely, ppl are mixes of different trauma/attachment styles with perhaps other disorders

I just learned the hard way

At least they talked to you it’s been 5-6 years of push and pull constantly.We must of really got close this last time cause this is the longest without any communication it’s been a month he wants nothing to do with me if I go to his house he want answer the door he hides in his depression & looks at me like I’m the most horrible person in the world. I guess it’s really over this time I really don’t know

That’s what they do. Move on to a better life.

This is my situation too. we are both FA but he is more avoidant and he doesn't know that he is FA. he had to create something to be able to walk away from the relationship. my super power is turning off my feelings...so since I'm giving up on him, I'm just numb now. I can't reach out to him. I tried it before and it was destroying me. But he is too prideful to fix it so we are done.

I always enjoy what you share on here, but we are not friend yet, I’ve tried several times sending you a friend request, but it wasn’t going through, I will be so glad if you send me a friend request I’m sorry if you find this embarrassing.hoping to hear from you.

I am living this same movie

No it’s not. They are next of kind to narcissist and looking for supply.

yep, living this real time

This is what I realized, I have been single for a couple years after toxic relationships- this was my first attempt at dating again and though the experience was really unpleasant, I realized how secure I’ve become- he ended things twice now and both times I was like “ ok, i respect your decision “ and then went no Contact. I’m proud of myself and there will be no third time with this because I see the pattern now

Was interested in someone, but now not all, maybe as a friend but i doubt they will be good at that either.

Just like my partner I will bet their past is full of toxic relationships. I felt sorry and then become a victim of "being too good" for her. I never even thought about "being too good" as I was just enjoying the time.

Yeep

Suonds like a fearful avoidant and not a dismissive avoidant.

I was discarded after 13 years together. We have been apart for 4 months and he says he hasnt missed me. He cares for me respects for me but doesn’t love me anymore.

Wow exactly vsame for me after 17 years...lost my home to....how are you now

@@sandrawright8109 I’m sorry you’re going through this, it’s devastating and seriously cruel to be discarded after years of trust and loyalty and it’s the hardest recovery journey ever but it definitely gets easier and that immense internal pain and heartache will lessen for you and one day you’ll no longer feel it, it’s exhilarating when that happens, but for me personally I still miss him, but I know it’s the trauma bond at play. It’s absolutely awful that you lost your house, I hope you manage to get back on your feet. I’m doing better but I still have times where I’m suffering mentally. I’m hoping that gets easier too. Good luck for your future, I wish you all the best.

Thank you for making money off this garbage. It’s abusive to preach someone should walk on eggshells and put up with the emotional and psychological abuse.

Todlers/ Victims that like being at that place instead of growing up. 😂😂

@hitman you come offreally insincere with this question. Just get involved long term with an emotional abuser and then you find the answer to that.

@@ashton1952 it’s been months since I watched anyone these I’m past this point … I forgot why I said it but I know I don’t make bad statements so I’m sure it was ok. I think I was saying what’s wrong with avoidants. I was with one and she broke my heart after four years. Pulled the carpet out from under me a… but it’s past I’ve moved on and yet talk to her weekly …. F her if she doesn’t want me I don’t need or want her … we all need to heal and move on

​@@Ytdeletesallmycommentsthis. 100 percent. They see their victim status as an excuse- generating hobby.

​@@hitman52djSo how is that working out? Has she come back with an apology or plan dor for the future with you?

Update? NC & waiting for them to come back or you plan on breaking it?

@bobbyclair386 Brutal question: Honestly, I don't know. But I am still growing and healing.

You can’t do anything with them

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I am preparing a video about that. Avoidant are equally (sometimes more) sensitive to rejection than anxious. It could be a good tool if used properly

@@AlexisFriedlander The word "properly" is the secret....thank you again....I'm looking forward for your video....

@@AlexisFriedlander And let me ask one more question.....Given the fact that I'll maybe reject my avoidant ex,I wonder if THEY should prove that they are the right person for us!!!!!! What's your opinion??? Thanks again!

Keep us updated 😊

both great questions!@@user-qo1qg3us3p

If he’s truly avoidant, count your losses and move on. Not to do so is to invoke a life of the same pain over and over.

What’s your next steps? I’m in the same boat

Lol 😂

@@cairocoolShe's gone. Forget about it. You move on.

​@@UniversoSpiritualUnido what's so funny?

@@UniversoSpiritualUnidoYou’re pretty insecure

It won’t end, you have to leave

Been there ..save yourself tears.

Avoidants get therapy to change. An avoidant who knows they are avoiding but not willing to get help or Change is a narc.

You can’t have any personal standards or hold them accountable in any way or it’s over and they’ll ditch you

Your son is your no.1 priority. He does not deserve you and your son. Make a man of your son.

It is truly heartbreaking! But not the kind of continual over again and over again heartbreak you’ll experience by sticking around

In my experience they’ll ghost you again if you try to hold them to any accountability about anything- you have to accept everything, forgive everything, not bring anything up ever, don’t expect apologies for anything or you’ll get ghosted again

Don’t say a word, not a single word- they’ll come back them, but they’ll do the same thing again

It doesn’t matter what you do or don’t do, they’ll find a lm excuse to ghost you and end things again, I recently got ghosted because I suggested dinner at my house and he got scared-- this is ridiculous and you can’t win, they’ll look for reasons to end it even no reason exists

She’s trying to attract you by taking away attention. Dumb move.

She’s begging for attention.. by withdrawing it. Dumb.

I have been there for over 4 years going nearly on 5! It is a deep pain and it's emotional abuse! They don't understand or they do and just can't stop sabotaging the relationship!

It is emotional abuse it’s bullshit. Complete bullshit they know exactly what they are doing and bottom line they are hurting you on purpose, manipulating you and deceiving you basically backstabbing you too. I can’t believe we have made this hurtful behavior ok it’s ok to hurt people and break their hearts over and over and over meanwhile while she’s heartbroken I’ll just go sleep with the ex for a little while until I make her a ex again then go back to her and let’s see I’ll leave when she is really really hooked this time. Oh and go back to the ex.what is wrong with us it’s not ok to do this people. Stop then tell them to hit the road and if they go seek help and actually change then maybe talk my god your not a doormat I don’t care if this is a disorder or not. It’s wrong and they know they are wrong they just don’t care enough about you to stay they walk away and come back just to walk away again and again and again your an option if they can’t love truly love then they are all Satans army sad but true

That's his lost, not yours. Stay strong and be the best version of yourself.

@@AlexisFriedlander thank you so much. I know it is. And I’m not just saying that to make myself feel better. He told me he wanted to love me because I’m so amazing but that he just can’t feel the feelings. Thank you for your videos - they really helped me along the way.

Typical DA behavior

@@CryptoTaurusMoon thanks for validating that!

@@CryptoTaurusMoon I’m doing really well post breakup and am focusing on myself (as I did the entire way through) and feeling good but it’s just sad.

Don't reciprocate the issue back. That is what he wants. Unblock him and tell him that I will keep my distance if I decide to not him. Alexis's point of view is spot on. Live your life the way you want it and don't let someone else make your decisions for you.

What works best is to find another relationship where jumping through hoops is not a requirement

@Fsbfvdhgndmz Thanks!

I left mine alone for a month the first time, 2 weeks the second time, 6 weeks this time and he just ended it again this morning, The cycle will never stop

@@jenbodhi1133 I am living through the same thing ... incredible time together, then a few hints, then the horrible cold space

@@John-jc1kp if you can, just remove yourself from the situation permanently, I don’t even think about this person anymore, the only reason I even thought of them was to reply to your message- it was extremely difficult at first, but I’m so glad I forced myself to get out of that cycle, I don’t miss them, want them or even care anymore, this keeps going on until we put a stop to it

Thank you @Jen ... your words are wise and resonate with what my brain thinks ... the damn heart is going to need a little time. So many things were like hand in glove.

Keep working on yourself and don't force anything.

If you were the avoidant one did you apologize? Share you wanted to comitt?

They only want you when you don’t want them

Exactly, why are they even dating

Amen

Exactly, they’re so traumatized by last relationship behaving this way, acting like we all aren’t traumatized - we’ve all been hurt, grow up

Sick

Yo that sounds like Asperger’s or autism man, something needs to be checked out

I always enjoy what you share on Facebook , but we are not friend yet, I’ve tried several times sending you a friend request, but it wasn’t going through, I will be so glad if you send me a friend request I’m sorry if you find this embarrassing.hoping to hear from you.

She sounds like she's been abused her whole life. ..I hope she can get help

Ewww.

You can’t bond with them and will never bond with them. These videos are just a way to make money.

I got it yes, I recently started dating a guy behaving like this, thankfully I’m reading all the comments here and I’m out of this relationship, it’s been a nightmare and it’s only been 3 months

thanks for the push ... it is tough but I keep asking wtf too often

You're right. Finding the problem and to create a solution The key is to understand what causing the problem and to work on it.

@@AlexisFriedlander this is my main problem still. She doesn't seem to grasp that her self image and the image i perceive from her are two different worlds. My soul wants to be with her my mind is kind of scared. Dont know how to reach to her

I am working on a website specifically designed for avoidants sharing my personal journey and helping them to be aware of their insecurities (stay tuned)

@@AlexisFriedlander thats amazing !

@@AlexisFriedlander do you do couple therapy sessions also when we are back togheter to help us navigate throughout our different attachment style and how to understand each other better to not be in a breakup position again because of our different communication style

EXACTLY!!!!!

Don’t say a word, not a single word

@@jenbodhi1133 okay thank you. They did end up getting upset at me for it🤣🤣🤣 It works but not always for the reason you wish it did. He texted me and asked me why I was ignoring him even though he was the one ignoring me

It is horrible to go through, but @jen is correct

@@jenbodhi1133 It is true they reached out to me. But only to see if I would respond to them and for an ego boost.

Avoidants who don't get help are narcissistic. No different from cluster B pathology