I was a secure person. I dated an avoidant and she made me anxious preoccupied during the relationship. I gave her my love, care, space and understanding. But she ended up leaving me for another guy. Never again. Don't bother. Avoid them. You all deserve better.

Avoid avoidants, unless you like having zero reflection of love

Anyone who tryna attract their avoidant ex again, please don't. Unless they really want to work on themselves, all the efforts will be pointless because you're going back to square one, it'll be an endless cycle of hell. I'd say, move on, don't even bother to accept them no matter how much empathy you have. Have some self respect and walk away, you'll find someone better who is willing to communicate with you and won't push you away. Avoidants are grown up adults, they should take accountability for their own actions. Everyone has trauma and is traumatized, but you don't see them traumatized other people like avoidant does.

He'd pull back and I'd push forward (I know I was an anxiously attached person) and despite a great connection, the avoidant ended it with me. It took 3 months of no contact for him to come back to me. I'm no longer anxiously attached, I feel very secure now. That change in my energy is giving him the space to step forward. I now realize it's a very delicate balance, and a practice in unconditional love. Not for the faint of heart! But the more I understand, the easier it is to remain secure.

Let the avoidant alone. They will destroy your self steam. Gaslighting you make you feel miserable. The only thing that changes avoidant is they feel miserable alone. So they do something about it.

Avoidant is also the normal attachment style of a lot of abusive personality types. I would not try to make it work with one at all. There is a high likelihood of infidelity and someone who cant have a conversation about things to make a relationship work are not ready for a relationship.

I’ve had enough of coaches telling people they need to cater, adapt and adjust to avoidants. They don’t change unless they do the work and very few of them even think they need to change. Just let them be.

ONLY do this if they are aware of their avoidant tendencies and are working on them. Other than that respectfully keep your distance. I learned the hard way.

Creating a sense of longing in an avoidant is like setting a trap for an animal you want nothing to do with once you catch it. At that point you have to ask yourself just how desperate you actually are, and there's no answer you're going to come up with that doesn't humiliate you. Have some dignity and move on from these trainwrecks.

Every time I listen to an avoidant video & read the comments I realize how incredibly miserable this person is & how he projected his disease & insecurities onto me. I entered secure & the last 3 months of an almost 3 year relationship, I was a shell of my gurner self. My reality is & was permanently altered. I still have so much anger towards this person at the slow insidious devaluation, comparisons, & critical judgmental observing by him. Honestly I just thought he was uptight but dang, he was serious. He was serious that he looked at me in every way but the attractive outgoing happy energetic person I was. These people are so negative but are secretive about it. I think it is self hatred. And sorry but MOST do not change. And I seriously had no idea about these types. Never had dated someone quite so well NOT At Peace. Read Avoidant- much more realistic. I’m over 50 so very unlikely this age group seeks help.

Anxious Avoidant/Fearful Avoidant could be Borderline/Covert Narcissism. The risk is too high. Both the anxious and the Avoidant has to work on themselves to bridge the gap. It takes both to do the heavy lifting, otherwise it will not work.

Yes why do I have to deal with an avoidant? They should be avoided!

Thank you for another great in depth video. As always your content is on point. However my advice for anyone attempting to attract an avoidant would be don't waste any more time with an avoidant. If you have an avoidant ex you are lucky they are your ex. There is nothing you can do to change them. You will likely never be satisfied in the relationship as avoidants cannot achieve connection on a deep and intimate level. If they coild they would not avoidant. This is why its called an insecure attachment style. The bonding process is corrupted and will never be stable over the long term. Now I am not judging them. Avoidants don't choose to be the way way they are but don't fall into the empathy trap of believing you understand them better than anyone, better than themselves even. This may well be true but it makes zero difference to the outcome. The outcome is an insecure attachment which will always manifest in an imbalance and break-up. Also don't believe anyone that claims DAs have happy meaningful and lasting relarionships. Maybe in their eyes its a perfect relationship but having no contact for 3 weeks being a really great sign of things going well? Being able to sit in silence is a good sign? Come off it, these people avoid the very substance of love, human connection. Leave them be to break another poor unsuspecting person's heart whilst they carry on their empty existence moving from soul to soul like a hamster on a wheel, repeating the same endless cycle of hurting people that actually care for them. Again and again and again.

Love your work. Fell hard for an avoidant. Total nightmare. We had an AMAZING connection. Sigh. Your videos at least help me understand its her and not me.

Good video for their behavior. But is it worth being with an avoidant if you have to constantly evaluate their behavior and perform "therapy" daily?

Dealing with these people is too much work; it's a waste of time. Invest your time where you get back as much as you put in!

I am anxious and my partner is avoidant and we are currently not in contact because of this. I wanted to learn more about his behavior and in doing so it has helped me become more secure and love myself. I’m actually grateful that this issue has lead to my healing. Hopefully my absence leads to his healing too.

I've watched these videos on attachment theory, and while I think some of it has scientific basis, I really feel most of it is just bullshit to excuse emotional immaturity and justify toxic behavior. The guy I was with was good for about 4 months. Then he started to withdraw suddenly. This triggered my anxiety, and yes, I did push to try to resolve. He claims he didn't see the issue. He probably didn't realize he was doing it. But he's an adult who has not had one solid long term relationship. According to him, this happens every time. Yet, he doesn't see himself as the common denominator. I'm not perfect. I was willing to give him what he needed but the cost would have been everything I needed. So while we never really officially called it off, I haven't reached out. I know I'll never hear from him again, except my shit in the mail. You can lead a horse to water, you can't make them drink.

Solution is simple - become friends first. This builds trust and understanding, so fear does not have place to exist. It is also true many things are temporary and take time to process information for some. :-)

By definition , an aviodant avoids closeness , connection, and willingness to work on a relationship. This doesn't make a good partner for anybody.

No thank you. I’m done with my avoidant. They have chosen to go entertain multiple women in my absence time and time again ✌🏻

I am 70% secure and 30% FA myself. Not all partners are anxious. I am independent, have my family, friends, activities, and like my space, too ( though not as much as he did). I guess that's why we lasted four years. That said, it was still to exhausting. Only secure persons next time....

I test secure (probably a bit anxious). Never had this sort of relationship before. I am not being demanding, it's very secure and natural to want to spend time with someone else. This demonising of bonding with people has to stop.

If you're with an avoidant, leave and find a narcissist to waste your time on. You'll have more fun.

Are avoidant controling? It is like anxious should understand everything but avoidant shouldn’t….

I'm an FA woman with a DA man. We are madly in love. Although we've both broken up with each other countless times (mostly me ending it, and I've also seen both of us becoming less anxious over time. The little anxiousness in both of us is calming down which means we are becoming secure). But because our love is so strong, we are both committed to each other and growing secure together. It's hard but definitely worth it. True Love is worth it. ❤️

It’s funny how avoidants are only avoidant with their partner. They don’t have a problem talking to their friends everyday. Bullshit. I’m not playing the hot and cold game. I want someone who doesn’t feel threatened by closeness.

Sounds a lot of hard work. He is dismissive I’m anxious preoccupied. As a anxious I’m not wanting to babysit him and give personal therapy when I’m already suffering from the breakup myself

Such spot on insight! Excellent work!

You've gained a subscriber 🙂I love your content, I have learned a few valuable things about avoidants from this video, thank you!

I clearly understand the content and the video is very informative. What confuses me though is why the other partner has to do all the work to keep the relationship going with an avoidant? It seem like constant work and a battle to maintain a relationship. What is the avoidant doing for the relationship and the partner on the other side?

i don´t want a partner that is only there when I´m having a good time and runs away whenever I have a bad time. I want someone who can be there in good and bad times because he loves me. DAs don´t seem to be able to do that

Alexis, I will be the first person to buy your book! Thank you for sharing your knowledge from your personal experience. As you know, it is very disconcerting to deal with that kind of attachment.

I was a very anxious attachment type . I realised the problems it was causing me after many years. I went on medication for anxiety . Ssris and therapy and I have never felt better.

One of the best videos you have ever made! Maybe perfect! 👌🏽💯 I love my avoidant partner to pieces! ❤

Subscribed...interesting watching these commentaries.

I’ve seen many videos on this topic. Somehow, your way of explaining was really clear to me

I avoid the avoidant

THANYOU for your channel it is so beneficial🙏....My question is....No matter who the partner/person or attachment style....If the DA is aware/concious of their behaviours/wounds/traumas/triggers etc....which cause themselves & others great pain....Why do they NOT want to take accountability & seek help to better themselves & their relationships?? Why Reject/Denial/dismiss/Run?? I am an AP who has recently been ghosted after approx 3 years on/off (due to a personal situation of his own) i tried to support him as always & have done my absolute best to understand/support in the past when he has painfully pulled away, yet seems fine with others during these difficut times (Superficial & denying of reality) I dont deserve/understand this or ghosting!!?? I am aware of my own trauma/Triggers/insecurities & have no doubt that this definately attributed many times & take 100% accountability & have been seeking help for some time because I am so sick of the same shit! I want to heal/change & take responsibility. ...It is not his responsibility to heal me as his is not mine, it is our own journey.....but also a journey that can be taken together.....He is aware of this also.... No blame but is excruciatingly difficult & painful when He/DA wont/cant/refuses to see their own imput in this dynamic....& I'm left feeling guilt....what could I have done differently if i had known? Maybe a lot in hindsight ....but would that have made any difference? At least have the courage/Decency/Dignity to tell the other person especially after having asked him/them several times after cold/short communication ...."Do u want no contact or space"? & the long winded answer/text is...."I Just want peace" This is NOT a direct answer to a direct question....especially if they want out!! Easy Done!! Always considering him (My choice).....only reciprocated when chosen, hot/cold...no reasoning or answers then snapped at when simply trying to understand the change in dynamics (this is normal for anyone regardless of the APs (hypervigilance or insecurities) Yes a lot will say....well why didnt i/u leave? Because DAs are human, beautiful, kind, fun, loving, giving, smart people also.... u see the good in them (a lot) & when/if they come back...(depending on the person) u want to trust/believe/give the benefit of the doubt/hope that they have realised/seen their own input/behaviours/wounds & because of their amazing positive traits, u believe & try again....This is not just in a DA/AP dynamic either! We are all different & have choices....As for my original question...."Why does the DA NOT want to seek help/heal over losing loved ones/relationships of any etc...I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND!??" U chose to heal...? I also FIRMLY believe that there is NOT enough or NO self-help/information on social media specifically for the DA at all to seek/help them if needed in privacy (as they despise vulnerability) compared to the other attatchment styles, they seem to portray who & why the DA is the way they are but where are the strategies/help/answers for them?? Just awful comments about them online! 😔 Each to their own opinions obviously... PLEASE DAs ....u deserve love & happiness just like everbody, u feel it & are more that capable & have amazing hearts/qualities.....we all have our shit within.....yet it is our choice/responsibility to be aware & heal....& is completely possible with a loved one also......If not.... be free & keep running, but please be aware of who is left behind broken & grieving with absolutely no idea of why a lot of the time, when all we wanted & tried to do was love, care & accept u for who u are!! To my DA...Thankyou for our fun; adventures, support & beautiful, amazing time shared together when had....Im sorry that i couldnt help you in the way that u needed/wanted or that i was too much at times, but i have needs/wants also, I sincerely tried & i know that u did also.....Many lessons learnt 🙏 And never stop.... Communication, Honesty, Trust, Compromising, & Consideration are key in ANY Relationship/Friendship! I sincerely wish you & everybody all the happiness. healing & love in the world ... ❤🙏

Really helpful thank you!

Hi Alexis, this video was brilliant. Great content and really helpful. Your points in this video really helped me regulate when I was feeling dysregulated and anxious. Am so grateful for people like you sharing such valuable insights. Thank you for everything you do!

This is great. Thank you.

Oh Alix you are too kind lol DA are so sweet when not triggered and deactivating. I think we can equally be a pain in the butt for different reasons when we are not healed and relating from a place of woundedness, especial and anxious person can also be a huge pain because always having to deal with someone needing so much and anxious can be annoying, I was FA both can br avoidant and anxious when I was not healed now looking back was probably the biggest pain in the butt, and yes DA can also be a pain in the butt for all the reasons you mentioned. I think its important to have self awareness and a healthy attitude and forgiveness for our own and others people's shortcomings and not keep making excuse for others or ourselves. Ownership is key.

Intriguing tips, please keep up the good work. Questions please: How does one create a safe haven for an avoidant, seeing that they don't trust themselves?

I am definitely a type of avoidant. If someone shows me too much love, I am definitely run away. Develop a relationship from a friendship is all an avoidant individual want, I guess

I've been more than patient, but honestly, I am beyond over it! It's my time to go after someone who is not only ready, but able, to reciprocate and communicate equally. Let's be honest, the odds of them ever seeing the light; is slim to none & I'm not a gambler. Life's too short and the way they are yo-yo in relationships; is selfish and not fair to the other person. They need to get with another avoidant and ignore each other. JS

I’ve been dating an Avoidant for two years now, and he tells me he loves me (in phone calls, rarely in person). I left him twice, but each time he asked “to talk,” and when we did we got back together. I think he needed to know that I wasn’t dependent on the relationship and could do quite well on my own.

Thank you for such a lovely video 🙏

Hi Alexis, i am a Man with anxious attachment, who feels very strong for a Woman with an an avoidant attachment. I watched a lot of your Videos ( many of them three times) very carefully. You helped me understanding my personality and this Woman very much. Thank you so much. You are a very kind and sympathic man. So again thank you very much!!!

Hello. I have just broken up with a beautiful woman inside and out who happens to be a dismissive avoidant. I am a physician and surgeon and have learned over the past many months about her attachment style. She is not aware as is often the case. You asked how we can tell the partner that she is an avoidant without telling her. The only way is to be patient, loving, and also to affirm their need for independence and privacy and to lovingly support and be patient about their fears of commitment and intimacy without being judgmental. For example, I would never mention about the neglect she may have had as a child with her mother. I would try to discuss what is happening now or with the backdrop of her past relationships that were not very good at all. It is hard for me not to diagnose and treat, as I am a doctor. I hope she gives me a chance to be supportive of her in that way, someday. Thank you Alexis. You are the best and most sincere communicator of this very real and often neglected part of human relationships, which at the core is everything! 😊

Great content

I just lost my love because my lack of emotional maturity got to the best of me. It was getting noticeable that it was slowly slipping as the relationship went on, but I can’t blame myself because we truly were best friends, and i saw everything I want in her. She is the coolest person i have ever met and everything lined up; our humor, our goals, values, beliefs, we even have the same birthday. When she was starting to show signs that i should step back and give her space, i only wanted to hold on tighter and show her how much i love her and want to be there for her. I thought i was doing the right thing instead of being a jerk and walking away when she was feeling vulnerable and confused. Obviously I respect her space and independence, but i was around too often, and didn’t know/want to take space for myself. I genuinely wanted to be with her all the time. It’s so clear to me now how i turned her off from me because i got too attached to her and the outcome that we last forever. It hurts so much knowing that she did love me and chose me over everyone else, and I pushed her away by overwhelming her with my love. She broke up with me 3 weeks ago and hasn’t spoken to me since. I never did anything to hurt or disrespect her. I realize now I can be a better man by controlling my emotions and not making her problems about me and not trying to exaggerate my role in her life. I love and miss her so much.

I’m an anxious my ex is an avoidant, we were both quite secured during our 2 years relationship but I became anxious after he became distant asking for space , I broke up with him , now I can see his an avoidant but he was just an avoidant at the end of the relationship, we were both happy and satisfied , we been broken up for 6 months he said he still loves me but I can’t understand him , he’s very confusing, he wasn’t like that in the relationship, he was fully invested and gave me attention and quality time he never made me secured even tho I’m an anxious

My husband is a DA who suddenly walked out after two years of marriage. He has twisted everything in his mind to make me the villain when I could not have done more for him. I’m extremely hard on myself, but I continuously hear that there was nothing else I could’ve done. He refuses to take any accountability for anything. I feel like he wasted 2 1/2 years of my life. This is his third failed marriage.

All i do is attract avoidants due to my open, confident and charismatic demeanour. They fall hard and as soon I reciprocate the fall, they run! Bizarre.

Thanks much

Pls do videos about fearful avoidants too (FA)

I think you mean BELONGING. Avoidants (me, for one) avoid intimacy because they are afraid of it, but at the same time want it, and want to feel a sense of BELONGING.

If they are avoidant they don’t want ya there is no such thing in my eyes 👀 or they will always be chasing someone that doesn’t want them because they don’t feel like enough

It’s funny how avoidant‘s should be avoided 😂

Timing slide. I have done all 3 mistakes. That was 7 months ago. No contact after that but I m still stuck. Any chance there is still something I can do you reckon? Thanks for great content. It helps feeling better

Interesting but biased. Not enough emphasis on the suffering inflicted on the partner.

You are describing my dynamics with my beloved avoidant exactly. He’s always right everyone’s wrong. He does not want to invest much emotionally, he avoids being vulnerable. He never admits his feelings. We have a difficult situation (there’s a third party and he avoids taking steps). Now he physically rejects me, pushed me away, says it’s the end. I am crushed. I am trying to push for contact-anxiously. I’m afraid to stop this pushing, that he will read it as I finally let go and he was right and he is finally in peace (even though I know he loves me). What can I do? Cut contact and waiting for him to reach out is deadly scary. I am so afraid to lose the bond especially now.

I thought this was gonna be a hella toxic vid based on the title but it’s actually pretty solid 👌

Trying no contact but I'm not gonna wait forever.. I can just be with a secure

Please tell me Alexis, why does the avoidant start off a relationship with grand gestures or expressions of love if they themselves do not want them in return? This created an attachment in me with anxious attachment style, and it was like green light that after two years building this emotional bond this man would not run away from me if I did try to plan a life with him, after he told me he wanted to marry me, have babies, and loved me so much. It was very confusing for me after he was the one to first open up and then it made me open my heart, and then he just started to pull back. Then I pulled back, then he came back and now I am in No Contact phase without blocking him this time, to see if he takes real concrete actions towards me. Help. Because I feel like everything was in my head. Was his love real? Can Avoidants create big romantic gestures and expressions in the beginning only to pull back later? It’s like he scared himself haha. I didn’t ask for him to say he loved me. I know Avoidants often get accused of being players, but he talked to me about his own issues too (outside of sexual desire we have) so I didn’t feel played. But I do realize he is avoidant and running away from these feelings he expressed to me often.

It is very struggle to balance, much more of giving and effort at our side. they seems not 'care' which give us a hard way to 'evaluate' their loving side :(

Does this also work with friends?

if i do not text him, there will be zero communication,,,,,how much space is enough space?

My avoidant partner dumoed me but now wants us to live apary but srr each other....this sounds too hard. Im an anxious attachment

You said it's okay to go for 2 days without contact, but then later in the video you say "don't ignore them." Would not talking to them for 2 days be considered ignoring them?

Why would I even care about someone who doesn't want to be around me

I am thoroughly anxious although I am sure I was secure. My ex gf seems avoidant she comes in and out of my life even after she ended it 9 months ago. I don’t think she has moved on but she will contact me every few days with nothing important to say I’ve tried ignoring her but she finds a way to get through. And then she disappears for up to a week this is an ongoing bavk and forth battle aside from just blocking her and moving on how can I get her to stay?

Make videos to help the avoidant!

Cab an Avoident cause someone to develop and anxious attachment?

Don’t bother. The avoidant will discard and leave if it benefits them. Their idea of longterm means in and out of your life.

Good video. So to get more intimacy and sex from my avoidant girlfriend I need to create more space more healthy space so she will miss me?

Can I arrange a paid call with you?

So, do avoidants not know what they feel or do they know what they feel and suppress it out of fear/survival mode ? And so, can they be healed for good (via psychotherapy treatment) and connect in a healthy way with a loving a partner or will they always have issues on the matter?

My husband Avoident, and we have been separated,2 years but remain close, talk daily , co-parenting ,finances are still intertwined, he makes tge money I take care od the kids. almost as if we are still married,but he has been staying a vacation hone for the past year. We have been together 25 yrs, i want to fix my family, so I do not want a divorce , he says it's over.. but does not think a divorce will change anything? So he doesn't want a divorce but doesn't want to come home. Any insight

"Avoid the avoidant " at all costs! These people are actually engaging in "anti-love". If you are secure they will call you anxious, which is gaslighting. I believe that the avoidant is a covert narcissistic type of person . They feed on denying your needs. They gaslight their partners with their excuses. The host shifts his statements such that the partners of the avoidant are unreasonably focused on getting their needs met. Avoidants are sophisticated narcissists.

I think I am avoidant...you are Canadian or French?I hear the accent :P. Though it's just from the place of being language freak ( anyway French is on very low level)

She broke up with me 12 weeks ago after a 12 month relationship. I was needy and clingy and a bit jealous in the last 4 months of the relationship. I kept in contact every 10 days or so for the first 8 weeks but realised it was getting me no where. I’m now in no contact a month. Did I leave it too late to do no contact ?

How to get an avoidant to undergo therapy/coaching? He thinks he knows everything already.

I would love to know what it means when a DA introduces you to their best friend

Avoidants are just closet anxious people

I’m an anxious my ex is an avoidant, we were both quite secured during our 2 years relationship but I became anxious after he became distant asking for space , I broke up with him , now I can see his an avoidant but he was just an avoidant at the end of the relationship, we were both happy and satisfied , we been broken up for 6 months he said he still loves me but I can’t understand him , he’s very confusing, he wasn’t like that in the relationship, he was fully invested and gave me attention and quality time he never made me secured even tho I’m an anxious

I’m an anxious my ex is an avoidant, we were both quite secured during our 2 years relationship but I became anxious after he became distant asking for space , I broke up with him , now I can see his an avoidant but he was just an avoidant at the end of the relationship, we were both happy and satisfied , we been broken up for 6 months he said he still loves me but I can’t understand him , he’s very confusing, he wasn’t like that in the relationship, he was fully invested and gave me attention and quality time he never made me secured even tho I’m an anxious