so me...

🤣😆

I struggle similarly (without the excuse of vast reservoirs of knowledge continually spilling over) and I reckon I've been underestimating the problem. Rather than just constantly trying "to do it right" in a live setting, perhaps better treat it like any other skill, needing to be broken down into progressively more difficult stages each with their tailored exercises - so this means both coming up with such a programme and finding sympathetic people to practice with.

1 distractions 2 preoccupation 3 too focused on details 4 the topic 5 rebuttal tendency 6 the speaker

Rebuttal tendency used to be a very strong one for me. Preoccupation is still a struggle.

Same, daydreaming is a main problem of mind. sometimes I'm just listening to the teacher and the next thing I know; I break out of it and see that an hour has passed! It's very distracting.

Thank you! I appreciate your kind words.

Thanks, MB.

Thanks for sharing, Abul.

Thanks for listening.

Glad you like them, Nasrin. :-)

Thank you for the encouragement. :-)

You deserve it :)

Thank you!

I have, too, at one point or another. You're not alone on that for sure.

I have a few other listening videos on the channel. Feel free to check them out.

Hi, Gabriel. Thank you for sharing that example.

I agree. When we are self-centered, that can really be a barrier. The key is empathy, to put yourself in the other person's shoes. To try to image what life is like from their position. I have another video on effective listening that gets more into tips for how to do it well. kzfaq.info/get/bejne/f92HncKEy6rUqps.html

Hi, Abundance Egbe. True for me, too. I have 1,000 things on my mind and it's hard to focus on what the other person is saying.

Yup. Me too on preoccupation.

I hear you. You're not alone, Gene.

Thank you! :-)

Thanks for comment. I get preoccupied myself.

Hi again, skione. The rebuttal tendency is a habit and a hard one to break because it starts with a shift in thinking. My question is this, what is your main goal when you are listening to the person? What is causing you to want to jump in with your rebuttal? The mindset we have really drives the way we act. The ideal mindset would be to say to yourself, "Just listen and make sure you really understand what they are getting at accurately and completely. I want to really hear them and let them know that I hear them." That mindset will change how you see your job as a listener. Then, make it your goal to follow up after they have ended their talking turn by saying something like "Let me see if I've heard you. It sounds like you're saying . . ." and then accurately and fairly restate their case. Don't try to twist their words even in the slightest bit. Just focus on them.

Communication Coach Amazing wisdom. This is not just knowledge. Thank you.🍃

Thank you! :-)

Communication Coach Alex Lyon The bluppers were FUNNY!!! 🌞 Thanks 🌷🍭🌷

Yes, Marsha. That could be one cause that heightens our tendency to want to launch into a rebuttal. When talking about a topic that is important to us (whether we agree or disagree with what is being said), we're more likely to get fired up and jump right in. That could be a version of stress or excitement. Another cause is the listener's personality. Some people are very quick to speak whereas other people reflect for a few extra seconds. Very outgoing people (and I put myself in that category) are more likely to anticipate the end of the other person's talking turn and have their next thought geared up and ready to express. So, there are various overlapping reasons we do this, some internal and some external. Thanks for the question. It is an interesting topic to dive into a bit more.

Distractions can also be a barrier to listening for me too especially when there is technology around me. I get so tempted to just check my phone constantly even if someone else is speaking.

Distracts are also a barrier for me, it's either my sound or sound, its mostly the phone because it's the thing that's most distracting.

There is no one solution to that, Patricia. But, I do have several other videos on various listening skills that get beyond the various barriers. Feel free to take a look.

Ha! Classic.

It's not a special term. It just means what each word means. There are obstacles that we experience that make it hard for us to listen well.

Hi, Abinash. I have a handful of videos on listening now. If you search for my name, *_Alex Lyon_* , plus the word *_listening_* or *_listening skills,_* I'm sure KZfaq will list my videos.

“…loves to attack with assumptions and accusations and then self-victimizes”. It sounds like you perceive attack and assumptions about you, or something you did, and feel a need to set them right, defend yourself? Is that correct? When we are stuck in self protection, over- personalization, we can NOT zoom out, have empathy and actually see what is going on. Sometimes we can also see an attack, if we are hyper defended, where maybe an attack didn’t exist. We will see any criticism (perceived or real) as attack and be in a defensive stance…which is NOT at all able to listen. Hyper defense posturing starts in childhood usually, attachment theory can explain some of the subconscious programming (conditioning) and core wounds that can influence that behavior. Some people can stand solid in who they are in the face of criticism, not take it personally, can validate the others feelings (which is not the same as agreeing, at all) and hear the other person out, ask genuine questions for clarification, and after all that, non-defensively state their position. That type of person is secure in themselves and doesn’t have an intensified ego, or self protective stance, and can “hold space” for another person’s perception without fear of annihilation. They’re solid. That’s exceedingly rare, takes enormous self awareness and emotional intelligence. What would happen if you did just listen? Not over identifying with what they’re saying, but tune into why they are saying it? Become curious about their core wounds that are activated and hence that heightened behavior. Doing a rebuttal to their reality (even if you feel it is “wrong”) will never, ever, ever, have a chance of resolution. It is more likely to solidify everything they were saying (in their mind), not strip it of its power…it’ll have the opposite effect of what you want. It’s hugely invalidating to them. Maybe they’re accusing you of being selfish or similar & you genuinely ask for more info. Asking and listening, does NOT mean you agree…but that you are secure enough to hear them out. Rebuttal means you aren’t. Rebuttal means you need to lambast them & make them wrong. It’s an ego posturing and akin to throwing gasoline on a fire. It doesn’t calm the situation, but will only increase the conflict exponentially. ‘I Hear You’, by Michael Sorensen, is the best book I’ve read on validation. I started in the medical field in 1999, and am now pursuing and advanced degree in neuroscience. I promise you, your approach is the death knell of relationships. I’m not saying the other person is approaching you correctly either…but they’re not here to speak to. Please know that a criticism almost always is a hurt/need, that a person is too afraid to be vulnerable with…and unfortunately it feels “safer” to present it in a prickly package. Then the rejection might not sting as much as an open vulnerable request. Most of this is very subconscious…deep internal narratives and limiting beliefs, past negative experiences, drive these behaviors.

New York state. You?

I have another related video about Effective Listening Skills. In that one, I give a bunch of tips on how to listen well. The issue of a rebuttal tendency is really about your mindset or inner belief. When you're listening you have to consider your goals and examine whatever mindset is causing you to want to jump right in. Once you identify your that mindset, you'll have to develop a mindset that will help you listen more patiently. Here's the video on effective listening: Related Video: Effective Listening Skills: kzfaq.info/get/bejne/f92HncKEy6rUqps.html

Communication Coach Alex Lyon thank you for the quick reply. Going through the online course at the moment on your site.

Great to hear. I hope it is helpful.

One of mine, too.

Yeah, that's a big one. I have another video on effective listening skills. That one gives more direct tips on how to listen.

@@alexanderlyon thanks for responding my comments I really appreciate it