0:00 Please remember: These are real people who had the courage to come on my podcast and ask for help. Would you be willing to come on this podcast and share every detail of your financial life? Feel free to leave comments based on what you think, but remember that we are here to help in a supportive way, not to demean and criticize. Download the Conscious Spending Plan so you can use your money GUILT-FREE: iwt.com/csp-youtube

You know what the issue is? My man talks the talk about being the most masculine person. But it is so incredibly fragile.... his masculinity depends on his wife and his surroundings. He has to put people beneath him to feel masculine. That is the weakest kind of masculinity that I can think of. My man, time to grow up.

So let me get this straight, she makes more than him AND is the main care giver for the children but she still needs to cook for him and wash his clothes? Oh hell no. Toxic masculinity at its finest.

No one is saying this: KARA NEEDS TO LEAVE DRAKE. He's condescending, manipulating, toxic man, quite frankly emotionally abusive. KARA LEAVE HIM.

Ugh. My heart goes out to Kara. He wants her to play small so he can feel big.

This guy’s entire identity is that ONE 17k month lmfaoooo

Hold on... this lady gave birth a MONTH ago and he's having her on here demanding her cater to his demands bc he wants to feel like an earner? Why doesn't he have more empathy for his wife who has just pushed a human out of her body? 😮

Dude thinks the difference between 5 and 6 figure job performance is a woman giving him a sandwich, meanwhile she could make 6 figures before infants and making her own sandwich.

Imagine putting this level of stress on your wife who just had a baby FOUR WEEKS AGO. This is not a provider or protector, this is a boy in a grown body. This poor woman is literally sleeping with her own hater. Sad.

Drake literally said he needs meals to be prepared for him and his clothes cleaned and then said "I want to be your rock" to Kara. The degree of internal contradiction is astounding

When I tell you the tears that almost came to my eyes when Drake said he needs a morning to sleep in???? To his WIFE and BREASTFEEDING MOTHER OF 2 CHILDREN UNDER 2?????? There's no reforming that.

We desperately need a “where are they now” episode. Because this was so difficult to watch.

This whole episode was scary, from their absolute lack of savings to Drake’s insane expectations of a mother of a 4 week old, I’m a bit shaken. When my babies were 4 weeks old I was in a haze of hormones and exhaustion. This poor woman also has to keep them from being evicted, AND worry about making him feel like a man. Oy. This match only worked when she didn’t need him.

Looks like everyone is getting a crash course in the concept of the "submissive provider" where men desire a lifestyle they cant afford alone but then demand the most old school traditional life benefits from their provider wife. They also typically want alot of public and private credit for the lifestyle they barely contributed to.

Maybe if he makes 20k a month they could hire a nanny for him. He has done nothing but diminish this capable successful woman. I don’t get WHY she allowed this to happen to her. He says you are my gas but is upset that she doesn’t need him to be her ‘gas’

I love how he’s saying “iT’s VeRy eMaScUlAtInG” now that he’s making money but he didn’t seem to have a problem with that when she was the one supporting the household

This is such an anxiety provoking episode for me remembering new motherhood. My husband is incredible and took EVERYTHING off my plate, realizing the mental and physical toll of having a newborn. I’ve never been more grateful for him than seeing Drake here.

Drake needs to cook his own meals and let his wife make more. Simple. She has the better and more solid earning potential.

If she's up all night with the baby, why doesn't he just help? If you have to ask to be the leader and provider, then you are not it. She's literally been doing it this whole time and now he's having to prove to her that he can take the reins, but in order to change her lifestyle and behaviour. He was happy with her being the breadwinner when he needed someone to invest in his career but now he's up and running he want her to sit on the sidelines, after she said she had lost her identity. The worst part was when he said that running her business is too much stress which could affect her breast milk and therefore the baby. He's selfish

I don’t think I’ve seen an episode of Ramit that upset me more than this one. I feel so bad for Kara and the lack of empathy/compassion that her husband shows for her

Kudos to them for coming on here and being honest. Drake really needs to reevaluate life. Kara… girl im praying for you.

Him asking for a day every week to sleep in after she just birthed a child 4 WEEKS AGO made we want to scream!!

Watching this while being 1 month postpartum myself is so challenging. The fact that he’s asking for sleep, food, and for her to be “soft” while she’s in the midst of postpartum is so sad. He really said “I want my wife to be less stressed because it impacts her breast milk” and not that he cares about her well-being. He wants to be a leader but doesn’t even know what it takes to lead. Sending her so much love, please take care.

When Ramit Sethi said, "If you want to be a leader, LEAD." PERIOD. I commend your patience with this one. What I heard was, "I need you to step down from your position as the rock of this family so I can be a man."

Man, this guy needs serious treatment, insecure af, kara is the leader, leadership is not an assignment, she has it, he hasn't.

Did anyone else gasp out loud when he said he didnt want her to be stressed because it will affect the breastmilk??? You know, instead of not wanting his wife to be stressed because shes a human being, and not a cow?

This was good episode, but telling your entrepreneur wife that she needs to be a housewife and essentially do everything but wipe your ass to make more money is ludicrous. He essentially wants her to cater to him, while going through postpartum and raising two kids. Also the usage of “masculine energy” feels manipulative. It’s as if he’s saying because his wife doesn’t cater to him she’s exuding too much “masculine energy.” Therefore, she’s not good enough for him. Yet, as a “man” he had no issue with his wife investing in his business. They can be a team when it comes to investing in his work, but she needs to be submissive for him to thrive. Kara spent so much time trying to protect his ego and feelings during this conversation to then to still be told she needs to cook and clean. Whew this is why women tell other women to partner with men that make more money than them. It’s like he’s resentful that his wife has the capacity to make more money than him.

I am currently 4 months postpartum. 1 month postpartum, I was slowly ambling around my house while my husband brought me smoothies, did the dishes and laundry, and kissed my neck. I had to pause and curse when Drake started talking about stress affecting the quality of Kara's breastmilk...not talking about stress AFFECTING KARA. I keep thinking women have come so far, and then I hear shit like this remember we still have so far to go.

My jaw was on the floor when he told her that her masculine energy repels him.

Why can’t Drake stay up at night too with the baby? Why can’t he make his own lunch, clean the house etc and let her brilliant wife make the money?

Wow...this guy has a motivated, hard-working wife by his side and is trying to fit her into a mold that he wants for her...why can't he just accept that she is the main bread winner and work around that? Crazy....

This guy is out of touch. The emotional misunderstanding is driving her crazy. She just gave birth to a baby and she's still working and making over 7K per month AND HE has the audacity to demand of her to feed him and do his laundry?! He needs to let her lead the finances. She can turn the budget around. He doesn't even seem to keep track of the expenses anyways.

Kara should proceed with caution. This one hits home. I gave up my career, had similar discussions with my ex. When he was solely financially responsible, the relationship turned abusive. It’s hard to hear his perspective and listen to him ignore everything she is saying and pivot towards this power play. He wants servitude. He is weaponizing motherhood , archaic gender roles and sacrificing the stability of their family because if his ego. Completely devoid of logic. I was in a similar relationship where we were both high earners. My ex very nicely, weaponizing all The things this young man is…hopefully seeing the response to this it’s a wake up call for both.

The way she broke down after he said make my food an clean my clothes This was heartbreaking.

An oven, a dishwasher, a washing machine, a milking machine, a babysitter...girl you're not a wife you're a multipurpose appliance to him. This would be bad enough without the element of their relative incomes. Glad he's getting flamed. Let the divorce statistics not ever be a mystery.

Watching her walk on eggshells trying not to hurt his ego is painful.... I didn't think this could get any worse but seriously, nothing that was said, ever nudged this guy into thinking that he could help with the kids, household, wife or to thinking that maybe the problem is his mindset... "with stress it effects the breast milk" .... what am I even listening to.... I was trying to be ... polite the 1st part but really.... even on a podcast with a mediator where usually people's best foot forward comes out, there is no sight of empathy, consideration, logic, introspection........ they don't need to be on a finance podcast, Kara needs to consider her life and kids and find some legal counsel. The fact that there is nothing backing it but he really said he thinks he has the higher earning potential.... finally got towards the end. "I need you to take the kids, get me lunch, support me, love me, respect me, step back from your business, give up parts of yourself" HELP HER

Lord. He’s equating respect to servitude. Um, no.

He needs rest and food?! Shes had 2 babies (one 4 weeks ago)! Wth?! What about food and rest for her!?

One of the most frustrating episode I've ever watched here. Drakes red pill take on life and Kara trying hard to accommodate it was absolutely insane. I know she has control issues and she is bringing challenges to that relationship but Drakes issues far outweighs her. They've been together 13 years but he refers to ONE MONTH ONLY where he made more money than her. He is not a provider. He should accept she's the primary breadwinner and he's a contributer, and that is the team dynamic they have. And as a contributer, he should be a better teammate in raising their children and household duties. Be a partner, thats a better role for you.

It is safe to say Drake listens to a lot of Red pill bro narrative on KZfaq and thinks and acts like that. Instead of looking at what is best for his family.

This is a very tough watch. Kara PLEASE look after yourself.

My frustration kept increasing when Ramit kept bringing up finances and how to handle expenses and Drake kept dodging it and changing the topic to show how emasculated he felt by his wife! Ramit was being practical and Drake is not even acknowledging the financial problem!!

I really struggled with this one. I generally love this podcast, and I was excited that this one delved into gender roles in a real way. I think it could have been more meaningful if Ramit had 1) pushed back against Drake with his expectations for his wife who gave birth FOUR WEEKS AGO and 2) probed into the possibility of Drake taking on more of the childcare so that Kara could focus on her own business (rather than Drake taking it over for her). The assumption that Kara would continue to do the entirety of the childcare and housework was never challenged, and it really needed to be, especially since she is ALSO continuing to work and bring in $7K a month -- without getting more than two consecutive hours of sleep a night. (And even if her "only" contribution were caring for two small humans 24/7, THAT WOULD BE ENOUGH without having to make a grown-ass adult a sandwich.). One of the things I usually appreciate about this podcast is that Ramit calls his guests (and major corporations!) out on their bullshit, so letting some of Drake's most outrageous demands be treated as legitimate needs felt like a real miss here. I could feel Kara's discomfort as she was asked to take on more of a traditional housewife role, and I hate that she felt pressured into it by Drake, and even seemingly Ramit, in the name of being a "team player."

imagine what kara can do if he does the laundry, bring in food for her, takes care of babies at night - he can always do 1-2 feeds with pumped milk. she can make $ 40 k / month, and there in lies the frustration- let the mediocre man be the leader when she can do 10 times better!

This is cringey to watch. He can't make he own food or wash his own clothes? This is such a weird conversation. I'm glad they are working as a team at the end. Hopefully, they keep it up.

Kara is clearly more intelligent than Drake. She really should be the driver of their financial future. Drake is holding their future back with his viewpoints on masculinity. Parenthood and financial future needs teamwork. Coming from a dual physician household with two kids.

Kara just gave birth 4 weeks ago, and Ramit showed zero compassion towards her in this sensitive post-partum period and actually entertained Drake's idiotic demands for slavery & servitude. Drake is a king with no kingdom. He's nothing and should be on the sidelines, holding Kara's purse. He has been radicalized by internet gurus like Andrew Tate and Fresh & Fit. Drake needs to pull his weight with the children and with cooking/cleaning. Kara is beautiful, intelligent, feminine, and hard-working. She is the better provider and has the better leadership potential. She's just not being given the necessary support to lead the family because Drake is so jealous of her intelligence and success. I'm sorry, but a divorce is needed. Drake will continue to try to extinguish Kara's light until there is nothing left.

This is the story of my parents. It did not end well. My mom could have done so much better, and instead wasted decades of her life caring for my manchild dad while being the primary earner and raising 3 kids. Get out while you can, Kara.

Disappointed that Kara’s needs weren’t addressed more. Why Ramit? She gave birth two months ago. Drake was outlining what he wants, but it’s basically glossed over what her needs are. No wonder she feels like she is losing herself. Yes they need to make more money, but more money isn’t going to help them when resentment is built in other areas of their life. Edit: sorry, she gave birth ONE month ago.

I feel for Kara, she’s taken on so much as a business owner, mother of two small children and now has committed to being a full time housewife. It doesn’t seem sustainable for Kara. I hope she sees that he’s weaponising the “masculine woman” trope in order to shape her into someone else. I hope she continues to follow her intuition.

Imagine asking a breastfeeding mom of a one-month old baby to let YOU sleep in. And to bring YOU lunch.

He is the poster child for a guy who wants to be considered the leader, but he's actually a terrible leader and he'll never get the respect he wants because of that.

I wouldn’t usually comment - as I feel these people are brave in sharing these private moments. But DAMN this man is so self absorbed. He has been knocked down the pecking order after her having THEIR babies. She is being unbelievably understanding, as she feels the guilt that she is dropping plates, when she is just surviving! I really do wish them both well though and that they both have support systems.

Whoa! I think Kara recognized the gender dynamic in terms of money but not in terms of gender. The alarm sirens went off for me when Drake said he'd work himself into the ground so Kara would provide high-quality breast milk for his son. He never expressed any concern for the well-being of Kara and their daughter. He pays lip service to Kata being up all night. He could try bringing her a snack or a warm drink when she gets up for the umpteenth time to feed the son. Maybe men simply don't realize just how depleting it is to breastfeed a baby. Simply producing milk is physically demanding. Here's how it goes: She works all day and runs the house, then gets up every couple of hours at night. She changes the baby, feeds the baby, burps the baby, probably changes the baby again, gets the baby back to sleep. She disposes of the soiled diapers. She cleans herself up - there's leakage and overflow. She might need to change her own garment. By now she's been up for around an hour. She gets back into bed knowing that she'll be jolted awake again in an hour or a little over. She does this over and over, never getting into REM sleep. Then the toddler wakes...she needs to be cuddled, changed, washed, dressed, and fed. Then the husband wakes up and wants to be given freshly laundered and ironed clothes and be fed. Then Kara starts working to earn money. Kara carried Drake financially. He acknowledges that it was her money that set up his business and carried it. Drake is completely oblivious to his expectation of special treatment simply because he's a man! How often did he kiss her neck when she brought in $20k month after month after month?

The feminine urge to tell Kara to run

Kara was doing some next level mental gymnastics trying to fit into this marriage. She is clearly brilliant. Drake is asking for support and Kara is asking for security. They need more collaboration with each other. The plan at the end made too much sense. He can be a powerful #2 while letting his Wife shine like the star that she is. He supports her, she secures the bag and everyone is happy. But I sense Drake is low key competing with his Wife.

I feel sick when I hear what he "needs"... He feels like such a man baby! I bet he would never give that to her...

Fellas sometimes we gotta know when to follow our women. Its clear she has the winning skills to make the big money so support her. And of course his desires matter such as paying off debt and building assets so they can do that together. But support your wife, bro.

Mannnnn this makes me appreciate my husband much more.

Her: I feel overwhelmed, like I'm losing control on life and my identity, I just need help and love and support. Him: I FEEL EMASCULATED AND NEED CONTROL OVER YOU AND EVERYTHING ELSE. This was such an awful and real look into what it looks like to marry someone who wants to humble you instead of support you. YIKES.

He has a lot of inner work to do. He married a partner but he wants a dependent.

This infamous month he made so much money was also the month his second child was BORN. How much did he miss from his child's first month to enable him to make that much money for once? That first month with a newborn is a mess of sleep deprivation, wild hormones and a complete upheaval of your previous life -- for both parents. If Drake doesn't see that ... Kara deserves much better.

He needs her to be less masculine yet he's in his feminine... "Please kiss me on the neck and tell me how great I am" "Please speak to me nicely" "Be soft with me" "Show me more affection" These are things my partner told me she has wanted at times and I could never imagine these words coming out of my mouth. You don't ask for respect, it is earned with success and over time... I don’t believe Drake is ready to lead a woman like Kara. How your partner treats you tells you everything you need to know about how they truly feel about you.

NOTE TO SELF: Don't marry a manchild, don't have a baby with said manchild.

This is hard to watch... This man is selfish and a narcissist... I gave up everything in order to support my husband. 15 years later I'm done being emotionally and financially abused. And he tells me I used him and that I didn't bring anything of value into the marriage.

It hit me in the gut when he told her “I want to be your rock not for you to be my rock.” How does he have the audacity to say that after demanding that she do all of the invisible labor of being a mother, handle his basic tasks and then pile that on top of her own work in order for him to “succeed”?! It’s very hard to watch. Also when he gave two examples of him being a gold star performer - two months out of more than a decade of being together? His words carry no weight. She can’t trust him unless there is action to back up the words. I hope he gets there, but it was very hard to watch her spirit get crushed and for her to be apologetic for not doing enough. Sis is doing more than enough.

Ok so let me get this straight. She's organized and has her shit together and her husband doesn't but somehow it's her fault that he won't step up? No ma'am. I get being patient and all that but that's not what's going on here. He's just making her feel guilty for being more capable than he is.

Hopefully she just reads all these comments. That’s all she should need. We see the frustration. We see the hurt. I hope you find healing ❤

This couple has triggered me it was hardest episode to watch.

I hope Drake sees all these comments 😂

he literally wants her to be his secretary, housewife, and mom. this man doesn’t even want to be responsible for feeding himself. literally insane. she keeps saying she’s lost herself and he doesn’t care AT ALL. he wants her to continue to lose herself in his shadow. she needs to run

I don't know if she realizes that she has three babies, not two. Thing is the ones she gave birth to will eventually grow up. I highly doubt that the baby she married ever will.

Drake needs to be the stay at home parent, prepare the meals, do the laundry etc and enable his wife to work since she has more earning potential. What a blessing to his life to be the primary caregiver of his children.

Imagine being so insecure in your masculinity that the idea of your wife earning more to get out of debt is NOT AN OPTION. I hope kara is immensely successful and does whatever she needs to do to be happy, fulfilled, and debt free.

This episode hurt to watch. As someone who was married to someone with some of Drake's attributes, eventually Kara will realise how unworkable it is to build a life with someone who secretly resents who you are and what you represent. He doesn't outright hate her, rather he hates how inadequate he feels around her but lacks the maturity to take accountability for himself. I hope she watches this back and has that final lightbulb moment.

Yet another woman held back from a potentially amazing lifestyle she can create of hersdlf by having kids with an unsupportive partner. She was thriving before kids. Now she's struggling with a partner that can't hold his weight. 😢

This guy takes NO accountability. She has to do all these things as a condition for him to treat her with respect and admiration.

have they really been together for 13 years?? I find that so surprising. His demeanor alone is triggering to me

Kara I want to give you the biggest hug. Drake basically said he needs her to sacrifice all aspects of herself so he can succeed. And yet she can succeed without him. I think we all know where this is going to end up. Heartbreaking how little of his wife Drake sees and values

Really telling that when Ramit gives him the chance to tell her that he understood what she said and affirm her feelings, he TWICE pivots to "it's hard to feel appreciated" and "it's extremely emasculating." Ramit gives him 2 chances to hear her feelings, but he skates right past it and talks about himself.

The more i listen the weirder it gets. You can make your own lunch and still fire on all cylinders. You can wash your clothes and still fire on all cylinders. It might not be what you want to do, but everyone has to do it. Its called adulting.

He needs rest, food and clean clothes?? Don’t all parents with young kids need that? Get up in the morning and pack a sandwich like the rest of us. If they are both working, they could hire out some of those tasks down the road.

This guy does not stop talking about that 17k.

This woman birthed TWO babies in a short period of time. And somehow she takes care of three? The lack of empathy and compassion he has for her. Sir, help her take care of the kids and let her make the money before you lose everything. Jesus

You married one of those men listening to podcasts, and wants you to play mama YIKES

It's hard to stomach listening to Drake. How did he match with such a kind and hardworking lady with his ego and how self-centered he is. I'm concerned for her. She'll remain in this all alone unfortunately. They are just not a good match.

I feel like Drake doesn't get that Kara LIKES to work. Her end goal isn't to be a stay at home mom.

He had one good month. ONE! And it went to his head already. Kara, be very alert.

Man wants a subordinate. This is not going to work unless they can both look beyond gender roles and just be each others hype and support when they need to in turn. It’s a life partnership, not a contest.

She needs a modern man who is ok with her being in charge and making more than him. He needs a traditional wife who is ok with being housewife and being taken care of.

The amount of times I screamed 'YOU DESERVE BETTER, KARA' while listening to this episode

I'm so grossed out right now. This man's insecurity is crippling to both of them. Saw so much of my dad, a narcissistic alcoholic, in this man. From back in the 80's. *shudder* She's the alpha. And, he knows it. If you need to ask for control, you don't have it.

This man does not deserve Kara. Simple as.

Drake is a manipulator. Even his follow message felt really disingenuous. Something tells me he will never stop trying to shift the power dynamic. Hopefully Kara doesn't fall for it.

They have two under 2, a newborn at that, and he wants to sleep in and have her bring him lunch. Did I hear this right?

Appealing to his ego shouldn't even be a concern here. They have TWO young children. Their priorities should be ensuring they have enough money to take care of their family comfortably. If her business is making more money consistently, they should be working as a team to prioritize that.

I feel really sad that she's scared and upset about losing her own identity, the one she values, and it turns out that all this time, all he wants is a housewife to cook his meals and wash his clothes. I think that may have been a conversation they should have had a long time ago. Communication is EVERYTHING in a relationship.

While I'm glad that they had a happy ending, I still have an "eek" feeling about this one. Based on the description of their needs, it appears that they may be fundamentally incompatible. I hope I'm wrong tho. Thanks for the great episode Ramit! 👍

When Drake mentioned the 17k month again in the follow-up video I couldn’t help but laugh 😂😂

Out of all of the episodes of IWTYTBR, this was the most difficult for me to listen to. Kara has higher earning potential and a track record of success. Instead of celebrating her achievements both personally and professionally, Drake tries to put her in a box to make himself feel important. He clings to his 1950’s ideals of marriage because he is not confident in himself. Most people celebrate having a successful partner, but Drake is “emasculated” by her light. I applaud their courage for coming onto this podcast, it’s not easy. My hope is that Kara reads the comments and begins to realize that she deserves to live to her full potential. No one should feel limited because of their spouse.