Blame shifting is when they pass the blame on to you. Gaslighting is when they make you doubt your perception. Blame shifting can also be a form of gaslighting.

When I complained about him mistreating me, he goes "you keep painting me in negative light. I have a wife who has nothing good to say about me..." At the end of the conversation I find myself apologizing for not being positive enough and promising to do better🤦🏽‍♀️. After a while I feel like, "what the hell just happened?" How did I end up apologizing in his place? It is craaaaazzzzy!

Listening to Dr. Ramani makes my life sane every day Thank you for all of your time to give to help others .

My ex-husband was a habitual liar, among a lot of other things. Anyway, as time went on, I began to realize that people lie to alter your reality, to control you. Whether they realize it, or not, the ultimate goal is control. If someone controls your reality, they control you. Lies are told to alter your reality and never to protect anyone but the liar themselves.

The a-hole I gave myself to for over three decades got tired of gaslighting and making excuses and simply claimed, “That’s just the way men behave. Get used to the real world.” I waited until the children were old enough to understand then planned my exit. Thank God for legal help and protection.

"I only manipulate people for their own good." -the current narc in my lifes exact words.

My stepdaughter - aged 16 - has been abused both mentally and physically by her mother whom we suspect is narcissistic (thanks to your educational videos, we can now predict her behaviors!). She gaslights her daughter and everyone else by saying her daughter is mentally ill (depression and anxiety due to the narcissist abuse), making the daughter feel like everything is her fault or delusions. The mother started mocking her daughter after she (the daughter) said she has a voice and she’s going to use it now. During a therapy session (her dad and I were on the session), her mom mocked/taunted her saying “I have a voice too and I’m not afraid to use it” in a way that was threatening. She then told the therapist she raised her daughter to be a strong person and to be able to handle things like that. Talk about gaslighting!! Therapist saw right through that bullshit! Now, my stepdaughter lives with us full time and wants nothing to do with her mother.

…my husband always said “you did not tell me” - “I did not hear that” - “are you sure you told me” - “why you always have to freak out” - “you are always so negative” - “you are never happy” - “I can’t do anything right for you” - “people make mistakes” - “ it’s never enough with you”and such …Thank you Dr Ramani 💚

After a lifetime of coping with a Narcissist, I've learned that you either find pleasure in fruitless argumens or you LEAVE AND HAVE NO CONTACT! There is nothing but insanity in the chasm between those two options!

Hold on to your own reality! Don't go to war with a narcissist unless you want to stay around for constant battles.

For expecting and requesting, then demanding, accountability for his abuse, I was told I was condescending, petty, irrational, overly sensitive, to let it go, etc. When this did not deter me from seeking accountability, the narcissist magically transformed into a victim and attributed his abuse of me to the abuse and neglect he suffered in his childhood. The man should have been wearing a sandwich board saying "I may look like an adult, but I am a massively insecure child." I pity his new supply, and I treasure my freedom.

These were the two most common themes to my adventure. I was/am always the problem, and if I ever push back or stand my ground, I'm crazy and I'm the narc. I still am constantly called a dirty lying addict, even after being sober for 16 years. My past is ALWAYS used to shame me. The hardest part was how many people I thought were family and friends believe this and truly turned their backs on me based on false claims with absolutely no evidence. That hurt beyond measure. Took years to recognize it for what it was. I'm ashamed that my children watched me back down and accept the blame, all in the name of trying to keep the peace and family together. In the end, I was discarded - although a full court press hoovering has been going on for a while now. But, once your eyes and mind are open, there really is no going back

My narcissist said "I should've communicated more" when he would get caught. Then he shifted blame and said "I should've been communicating my needs more" when that's what I've been doing for the past 5 years 🤦🏽‍♀️

I work as a child and family therapist. I had a client (10 years old) going over a sequence of events with a family member from idealizing, devaluing, and gaslighting. We drew it out on paper, and the kid goes,"That's BS squared!" Very insightful, kiddo!

Oh, and my favorite, "Grow the eff up. You are acting like a toddler." This is mind blowing!!!

My ex narc was so consistent with blame shifting I just lumped everything into “Dog Ate My Homework.” I knew I was dealing with an underdeveloped child and my respect for him eroded. I became too tired to object to his chronic B.S. so I observed him like a strange specimen in a zoo and put my energy into leaving.

My narc ex boyfriend would give me that “I didn’t want to make you upset” bs when he would lie to me and I would find out. He also told me that the only reason he told me he loved me back was because I somehow “forced” him to say it back. (Obviously I didn’t). He would always accuse me of “coming after him” and “wanting to argue” when I was literally trying to fix whatever problem we were having and he never wanted to talk about it. It’s been a year and it’s still so painful to think about what he put me through but your videos and therapy have at least given me the tools I need so that I’m never stuck in a narcissistic relationship ever again.

This reminded me of the infamous argument about me using a pencil for the grocery list. Narcissists can really make you doubt anything as little as using a pencil instead of a pen.

Several years ago when asked if he was cheating, he responded, "how could I, you feed me too well." Other comments through the years when I brought things up about his relationships with other women, "you're looking for a scapegoat", "you create drama" , "you make things up", "I don't feel that you love me", "you have reflexive hostility", "you're stalking my phone", "you can't accept that I have female friends", and on and on. I ended this 35 year marriage charade three years ago. But it still hurts and difficult to shake the self blame for the demise of our marriage.

LOL "Allergic to taking responsibility." Love it! I especially appreciate the reminder to hold the true subject in your mind so you don't get baited into pointless arguing.

In some weird way, Blame-shifting is just like Baiting: see it for what it is and don’t take the bait. Once you take the bait, you’ve already lost in the Narcissist’s mind

Im 33, and my mother still tries to excuse bad behavior with "Well you walked right out of the house to the neighbors sandbox when you were 2 and I thought you were gone forever. You have no idea how much pain I was in!" .... when that couldn't bare less relevance to anything in decades, especially her bad behavior.

It's stunning to be instantly accused of doing what they just did. This was the last straw. It was happening simply because I was conveniently there! I decided I'd had enough of being forever stupid, wrong, inept, and guilty for everything that occurred while my father pretended this was perfectly normal or backed her up! I decided to tell my mother (with noncommital acceptance) she was ABSOILUTELY RIGHT AS ALWAYS. That I understood she was doing the best she could. That what she was doing was unpleasant, and I just wasn't going to be around anymore for that to happen. Sure wish you all the best. Then I got my keys and drove away. Happiest day of my life and now the happiest decade.

When I sat down with what I thought was my best friend to see if we can resolve some issues that have piled up, I was shocked, truly shocked, when she attacked me and basically accused me of what she did to me. For example, she sent me a few nasty messages before or ghosted me, but before I could say anything she said to me: “Look at the text messages!” So I did. I read them out loud and it was clear: I texted her politely and right away, she offended me a few tomes or avoided me altogether. When she heard me reading the messages out loud and it was clear that she was wrong, she said: “well, I have a lot on my mind and don’t have time to text!” There were many other instances where she accused me of what she was doing. Long story short: friendship is over. I do miss the good times, but I am realizing more and more that it was in my head.

One of the most frustrating aspects of interaction with a narcissist is their adamant stand on their version of reality. It is like walking into a concrete wall. It doesn't matter that your argument is logical and well presented, a narcissist just will not accept any other version contrary to theirs. This is such a red flag 🚩 🚩 🚩 about someone you want to stay away from 🙄. Thank you Dr. Ramani because your lessons have helped me to distance myself from a narcissist although we have 2 children. I couldn't have done it without such knowledgeable and caring insights 😘❤ I can thrive again after 20 years of gaslighting and walking on eggshells I can stand strong again 💪 👏

Only my eyes talked and that was enough to set him off. Spend 2 years in a neglectful cover narcissist relationship. Realise that even as a nurse it was a unhealthy situation. At the end the lying and gaslighting became more evident. I always say with time the truth always comes out. Stay strong

Literally just happened minutes before watching this video... over dirty laundry. Started to argue/defend then realized it was a pointless argument that was only going to leave me feeling inadequate...so I just shut my mouth and walked off. Thank you for your work! At least now I recognize that it is not a "battle" worth my time.

I was already half way out the door. But when he accused me of cheating…no idea where that came from.? We weren’t even talking about cheating. He just through it out there. I was speechless! That was the last straw of our 6 month relationship. I saw the red flags but that made me realize I was in a narcissistic relationship. I was married to one for 16 yrs…I will not to that again!

Can you imagine that happening your whole life? Growing up, everything was ALWAYS my fault. I was never right. If I said anything to my Mom to defend myself against my siblings, she'd get mad at me. My mom pushed how important family was and to maintain relationships. Can you imagine having your own place and having adult siblings show up at your door and scream at you? I didn't get it till I was 54 and started leaning from YT. Dr. Ramani is the best! Explains everything clearly in short easy to learn and grow videos.

While he was choking me till I passed out, he was screaming in my face I was a BULLY. I am the NARCISSIST! I have no empathy and I only love myself. I was called CONTROLLING and MANIPULATIVE . I was labeled to be full of INSECURITIES. And it dawned on me - he was describing all of his feelings and actions, but switched the perpetrator. If I change ME to HE In the accusations, I actually get a confession of what HE does and how HE feels. Sick, mindfucking techniques.

My favourite blameshifting moment was when I presented them with evidence of the 9 month affair their cheating partner's friends brought to me (steamy Facebook messages) and they turned it around into how they could never be friends with a person whose friends would do such awful things like give me unsolicited evidence. Because, in my narc ex's words, a person's friends are a reflection of them, and therefore this person they'd been cheating on me with for 9 months was surely as terrible as his friends who just felt bad for me that I didn't know about the affair. Like, wot. Who has the balls to say that seriously to their partner? Narcissists.

Here's a good example of blame shifting. I shared with my family that I was diagnosed with uterine tumors this summer. My brother in law begins to question me asking if I misread the diagnosis. When I corrected his behavior, my sister told me "don't take it that way." No apology. To them, I was responsible for his insensitivity. I really just needed support. Never got it.

It’s always easier to just blame someone-else for your problems and stupid situations but narc’s take it a step further by being sure to gaslight and spread rumours, even if the person in question was very-much the one actually helping them.

My 43 year old Daughter who was living in our home, driving my car and eating my food said she couldn't get a job and a life because I ruined her life and I was responsibile for her until she ready because I was her mother. Her Divorce was 4 years ago but she was hurt I need to allow her to heal. I could't do anything right. Everyday she would say her life was a mess because of me. Not sure how her Divorce, getting fired from her job, and bad attitude was my fault but I believed it enough to try to help her for almost a year. She said her Health and Teeth were bad because she couldn't eat right because she had no one to take care of her, so I paid to have her see a Dr and a Dentist. I was called a "piece of shit mother" daily or she called me by my first name. Somehow she convenced me that a good Mother would help her. I tried but the the blaming and abuse was too much. She will never live in my home ever again.

I pointed out to my ex husband that one of his coworkers was fawning over him and her cubicle was full of pictures my step kids had drawn for her. I asked if anything was going on. And he said “Well now I’m going to be thinking about her because you put it in my head”. Turns out they were having an affair throughout my entire pregnancy. And I thought he really thought it was my fault for my miraculous powers of suggestion 🙄.

💡You’re having the WRONG argument.” 💡 I love that! Yes! I’ve had more wrong arguments in my life than I have had RIGHT ones!!!!! That parted the clouds.

My partner the other day basically said, that he did not do anything wrong, but if in fact he had, then it was my fault! This after months of lies and attempted gaslighting!

This is the story of my life. It's like I just gave up on my reality altogther at some point. I'm trying to get it back.

Narcissism is the elephant in the room that no-one wants to address. It's interesting how people make all sorts of creative stories about what the problem really is all in an effort to blame shift and divert attention away from the real cause, very much like a magician performing his trick. 'Hold onto your reality' is the best advice ever! Thanks Dr Ramani! :-)

OMG, thank you for this video, as always you're a life savior, dr Ramani. :) When I walked in on my ex cheating, it was then turned around that what I saw is not what happened, in the end his arguments were that it's my fault. Say wha??? This was last straw and I left the house and never returned. Not to mention that because of this, blameshifting became even more present... now that I went no contact, things have calmed down and I can finally breathe normally again.

Thanks for the free therapy.I am an avid viewer of your videos and have tremendously healed from narc abuse through the awareness created these amazing videos 🙏The narc who is my father blamed me alot for the division in our family including the extended family disintegration.But now I am an empowered scapegoat.

Once again, this was done to me by various family members. I was “so sensitive” I had to be “protected”. I understood that they were protecting themselves but I doubted myself and allowed this to happen. I hate myself for falling for it.

Oh, I remember the days where I was so confused by that gaslighting. It felt like I was led down a circular maze with no exit. Round and round and round and round. Funny thing is I actually called out the gaslighting before I knew what a narcissist is. Later I learned it is not useful enough to recognise the behavior if I'm aren't willing to let go... of the person, of the relationship, of one's perception of that person or relationship, you name it. l was always finding excuses to shift the blame to myself so I could continue staying in the relationship. When I was a young child with manipulative and violent parents, I’ve learned to deftly shift focus and minimise the issue because it feels less stressful to make me the problem instead of making myself the helpless victim, and helpless I so was. it is so ingrained in me that I still find myself doing that to this day when I’m under stress. But the silver lining is I am able to quickly snap out of it so there's that. Oh, and I debate so well now, whataboutism can never work on me lol.

Oh all that blame shifting, gas lighting, guilt trips! It made me feel I was losing my “voice” in the relationship. It was like it’s better if I did not speak up? It also felt like I was losing my mind and getting stupid by the day or something. Unable to express myself, couldn’t find the right words to say how I felt around him. Now that I’ve gone no contact, I’ve regained my voice, my confidence to speak my mind and my heart. It’s such a horrible place to be if you’re someone who so deeply appreciate inner peace 😢

Wow! This wonderful woman is really really changing lives, saving lives and healing hearts every single day. Thank you for saving me, and making me sane, as I watch your videos, it confirms that, everytime I exp, blame shifting & gaslighting from my toxic family. I was called petty, forgetful, "you over react", "would your mother tell lies on you" that I got so scared and couldn't be in thesame room with my mom who, unknown to the family is a Narcissist, runs the show and the whole family believes her everytime . I just walked away peacefully, you are so right about "don't defend" but to hold on to my truth. That kept me from loosing it. Thank you for all your help with your videos., It's been life changing🙏🏾❤️

It’s kind of contradictory to say that a narcissist ex admitted that to gaslighting. One of the behavior patterns of a narcissist is that they won’t admit fault on their own, and that they use gaslighting to convince you that they were never at fault. I can tell you what behavior of my narcissist ex led me to believe that I was being gaslighted though. Gaslighting is a real insidious way of manipulation- to make you believe that there is something wrong with you, that the actions/words of your narcissist weren’t really what they seemed to be. It makes you question your judgement, leading to you ignoring your instincts and senses. I swallowed all of her gaslighting for years, mostly because I wanted the relationship to work- like most people who have been the partner of a narcissist. I started realizing that something was wrong 6 months before I was discarded. It was actually this revelation that I had that led to the discard- once I started seeing through the illusion that she presented, I started to see all of her actions for what they really were, and I started to question her on everything and stood my ground on issues that I previously gave in on. We had gotten into a really bad argument. Tensions between us had been building for a few months. We had to move from our rental and find a new place to live within 2 months, in a town that was going through a surge in prices for rental properties. It was difficult finding a place to live that was within our budget, and still live in the town that had come to be our community. Between that and all of the normal logistics in moving cause a lot of minor arguments and stress between us- more than what was normal with her narcissistic and selfish behavior. We found a place, moved in and was in the process of bringing the final things over from the old place to the new place and cleaning the old place when we had gotten into an argument about something minor. All of the pent up tensions and resentment came out. During the argument, she was dismissive to me and told me that everything was my fault and if I didn’t like it then I could pack my shit and leave. I was so frustrated that I knocked her external computer monitor down (so she would face me and not continue to argue with her back turned to me). She got up and in my face and told me that I probably wanted to hit her. I said that I didn’t, I just wanted to discuss the issues. She said that if I wasn’t man enough to hit her she would give herself a black eye and call the police on me. I turned and left the room, because I knew the argument was escalating to a place that I didn’t;t want it to go. As I turned to leave the room, she jumped on me and started punching me. I told her if she was going to hit me, I would call the police. She started punching me again, so I left the room, went to the master bathroom and called the police. They came, interviewed both of us and arrested her for spousal battery. Afterwards she only blamed me for the incident and never, never acknowledged that she hit me. A week or so later, she asked me to write a letter to the DA requesting that the charges be dropped. I said that I would write a letter but that she would have to acknowledge her actions and to apologize to me first. She said that she was sorry that I felt that way. I told her that I wouldn’t write anything to the DA, and she stormed off, giving me the silent treatment for a couple of days. I knew what happened, and have a very clear recollection of the events. I’ve been punched before with closed fists, and I know what it feels like- and it doesn’t feel like a “shove”, what she insisted was what she did (her story was that she shoved me only after I shoved her, which was nonsense). I got a copy of the police report, and one of several reasons that they arrested her is because they found her knuckles red and swollen. I tried to move through this, but she kept trying to change the narrative of what happened when I was very clear on what happened. I felt crazy, but knew that I wasn’t. This led me to question everything else that she told me. Once I started realizing that most things she told me (when it came to disagreements or things that I had an issue with) were lies, and I believed the illusion that she created to trick me. That’s what the narcissist does- they present an illusion to you. Just like looking at an optical illusion, once you see that it is a trick of the eyes, you can’t look at it again without seeing the trick. Once I started seeing through her illusions, the house of cards that she built started to fall down and I slowly started to realize the type of person that she was, even though I didn’t want to believe it. I started enforcing my boundaries and that drove her crazy and caused more fights and gaslighting, which is what I believe led to her finally discarding me 6 months after her arrest. She never admitted to gaslighting me though. Even after confronting her with things from years previous that I realized she changed to make me the one at fault, she stays with her story. Even with indisputable proof, she stays with her version of events and says everyone else is wrong. Don’t expect any type of satisfaction or closure from a narcissist, because you won’t get any. You have to believe your judgment and instinct, and not tie your self-worth and self-esteem to anything that they say to you. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done Metaspyhub@gmail. com,,

You almost can't have one without the other in a narcissist

Oh ! This was it , “ I’m not getting the attention I deserve!” . 😳

I started recording our conversations to see if I was crazy or not, no I am not crazy it is just insane when I listen back and now that I am not arguing he does not know what to do. Thank you for making these videos, I am just starting this journey and it is scary but I cannot wait to live a peaceful life again.

Thank you Dr. Ramani. You just told my "It-was-your-fault-I -cheated-our-whole-43-year-marriage" story to a Tee! It's great validation, but it still makes me sad. Trauma-bonded much? Yes I am . . .

My husband isn't a narc, but his mother is. She shifted a lot of blame onto him when he was growing up, and now he's a master deflector and blame shifter himself. Whenever anything goes wrong in our relationship, it's always my fault. He almost never takes responsibility or apologizes for anything. Other than that he's a kind and good man. I understand his child self is still trying to protect him from the ever present ghost of the narcissist who raised him, but that doesn't make his deflections right. We've been married for 15 years, and it's only in the last couple that I've stood my ground when he deflects instead of frustratingly taking the blame he places on me. Now, I point his deflection out to him over and over until he recognizes and admits to it. It's been a slow process, but he's finally beginning to recognize his behavior and change.

Thank you Dr. Ramani for explaining how gaslighting and blaming is the same. I've been gaslighted my whole life by my narcissistic mother about how I mistreated my younger brother. This blame gaslighting bullshit lie was successful in keeping me in my brother apart for a lifetime, as well as convincing me I had actually done something to him, when it was she who had hurt both of us physically and psychologically. He left at 16 and has never returned. Our relationship is minuscule at best. The damage this has caused has been unfathomable. I see the truth now and I will not allow her to manipulate my reality anymore. So much damage, so much time wasted. Thank you for explaining the many destructive layers of narcissism. It is helping me believe in reality & myself. The journey of healing continues....

Wow! Dr. Ramani, this is so relevant for today! Kids and I got toxic, blame-shifting voicemails from my narc over the last 2 days. It's taking all of my strength to NOT call him back or go to his office and set the facts straight!!! I hope I can stay No Contact!!

Thank you Dr. Ramani for presenting the concept of blame-shifting vs gaslighting with wonderful clarity and a better alternative to deal with these behaviours in others. 🎯🎯

One time the narcissist tried to blame me and said this...I was trying to control them! 😆 🤣 😂 😹 Why would I try to control the uncontrollable...smdh

I tried to call her out for how little she helped with anything in our business. Always the last to show up, and always the first to leave. Doesn't do any of the major daily tasks everyone else does in the team. She told me she didn't know why I was "constantly" bringing up her failings (this was the first time in two years I said anything). She told me that the issue was that I just didn't appreciate how much work it took to support me emotionally while I did all of the work. The "real problem" is apparently how stressed I get and she needs to be the one to keep me from flying off the handle. Why am I stressed? Because my business partner doesn't help me. She thinks this is an "equal" exchange 😅

“You shouldn’t watch the news, it makes you upset” as a way to avoid conversations about current events. Total projection. I stopped talking, so it worked. No longer in this relationship.

My Narc friend discarded me and when I went on with my life… She blame-shifted her lack of participation at church on me , because I didn’t care if she hurt herself!!.. Then I was asked “Wouldn’t you blame yourself if she had hurt herself?“.. I was gaslighted to think that my staying away after the discard … was the wrong !! 🙄😔

Thank God for Doc. For years I have suffered thinking the problem was me. Even yesterday I was on the receiving end of this.

In my opinion both gaslighting and blame-shifting are cornerstones in making of a scapegoat. I knew it's not my responsibility to take the blame but i felt like i had to take it to survive. I didn't trust my parent's how far are they willing to go in abuse, it started with belittling then kept getting worse, shaming, humiliating, nit picking, constant put-downs, beating... I became very very resentful. To this day I'm filled with rage because not only were they not accountable for their actions, they've let me know that the only way for you to simply exist, is to believe it's your own fault. I have very hard time forgiving myself for being kind with them despite them being excruciatingly harsh and merciless with me - helpess powerless kid. I will never be able to return them the pain they caused me in childhood, not even close. They can't get hurt because they're not vulnerable, but i was as a kid unfortunately, another thing i resent myself for.

When I called a gossip grouo out about them talking behind my back, they said that it was all in my head they always praise me behind my back, moreover when they realise I've heard them, they were like 'We've been through a lot in life, you saying these things directly to us is hurtful'. I literally heard them judging my dressing, sitting position etc, sometimes they intentionally do it so that I'll hear them. Moreover, one of them said that she was neutral. Like being neutral means you neither agree with their perceptions of me nor my perceptions of them but whenever they gossip about me, she would laugh with them out loud. Would anyone laugh out loud at something they don't agree with or will they just fake a smile and leave it there?

Before I discovered what narcissism is and I was still trying to work thru my marriage I would say to my husband that I felt like we had really big problems that we needed to work on. One time he responded with, "I don't think our problems are that big of a deal. I think maybe you should see a therapist." Flash forward several months and I found DoctorRamani and yes I am seeing a therapist, but not on my husband's advice, on Dr. Ramani's advice.

They're never wrong and they are "Heroes" in every story. It gets old though...Watching people lie to themselves.

I just experienced someone trying to gaslight and blameshift their abuse to me. And even when I know what I went through, cause following your videos I noted them down when they happened, this video helped me a lot. It gave me reassurance hearing in your words the exact pattern they did and how to react to them. I immensely thank you for this channel and the contribution it has made for my life quality.

My mother after beating my then 6-years-old sister who looked like a beat heavy boxer: "It's her fault. If she hadn't moved and rather received my hit, she wouldn't have tripped and opened her lip on the table." She was the very worst. I'm so grateful my sister left and Mother isn't not part of our life anymore.

As an adult I confronted my father about the physical abuse he inflicted on my sister and I as children. He told me my mother made him do it and also that he was entitled to do it because he worked hard.

My narc neighbour - whom I helped when she moved in by setting up her unit - thought my generosity and helpfulness was a weakness she would thoroughly exploit. Condescending, dominating, she even sabotaged my efforts to help her. When I pointed out her interference was complicating things, she threw a childish tantrum and ran to hide in the bathroom. Sweet relief (!!) - I gathered my tools and exited and distanced myself from her. She told the neighbours that I threw the tantrum, and then embarked on a slandering campaign that continues to this day, three years later. Some have taken on her lies and life has become uncomfortable. When agitated by what she's done, I remind myself that those who choose to believe her are not worth knowing anyway. Utterly toxic - the worst case of malignant narcissism I have ever encountered - and I grew up with one! I believe it's a lesson I have chosen to learn in this life. Fascinating though - when you're not emotionally involved.

So simple and clarifying. Thank you Dr Ramani 🌹

When I would bring up any concerns or ways that he put me down, he would simply respond, “It’s okay that you feel that way”, and he would think that was the end of that conversation and he had just been so compassionate.

I had this happen in a business relationship. A client of mine who was very skilled at gaslighting and blame-shifting. This is why contracts are so important! I did a deal with this woman and felt like we had a great relationship and so I did not enter into a contract. She took me for a lot of money in the end. She completely rewrote everything that was said and agreed upon in the beginning and blame shifted all of it onto me. I should have known better but I do now. Thank you Doctor Romani!

After the confrontation on the lie, the comment was "I was just trying to protect you."

“I don’t start arguments, I match your energy and give you back what you’re giving me” This is what I was told when I was yelled at in public like a naughty child for something I didn’t do…something SHE had actually done herself.

I was so often told it was me who had issues admitting blame. I took in a lot but it was way too much. She blamed me for every little thing and openly told me that this was the expectation. She expressed concern that what happen in the future when I didn't take the blame on me. Immature and abusive.

My narcissist disowned me and then started texting me about how sad she was that I "wanted things this way." Ugh! Disgusted.

Thank you Dr. Ramani! This is saving sanity.

Excellent insight so clearly explained! Thank you, Dr. Ramani!

"Keep close to the bone", these are the first words that come to my mind in this instance. "You're having the wrong argument" this is the key to this videos statement. All else depends on 'trauma bonding' to exist. Yes, I have found this 'blame shifting' strategy in multiples of arguments with 'narcissistic people'. To counter the bull shit artist (if I'm in the mood to fight) I cut to the point and stand firm, ignoring their attempts of moving the argument away. If I'm not in the mood to fight I'll state my intention to correct or walk away. Dr. Ramani's 'DEEP technique' is just the right tool in this instance as well.

So glad I started healing ME Now with or without my families support, this family I did for and worked so hard to protect. I'm so glad I raised my girls the way I did. I'm sorry I stayed so long, but I know in my heart my girls will remember the way we all got out of him.....some day. Hardest thing so far in this detachment- loosing the support of one of my girls whom slid right in my spot to make sure her dad would be ok.... I miss her so much in this time of my healing. It has been very hard not to "make her listen" traits of 30 years there.... but I know I did what I needed to do while raising them that they will be strong in the end.

One that I know blames others, in the most shameful lying ways, to justify her poor behavior, always presenting herself as a helpless victim to the selfishness of others. I honestly don't know how her husband puts up with her, the way she lies about him makes him look like a cold hearted control freak when in actuality it's the other way around.

Blame shifting == Gaslighting. In hindsight, it’s so easy to see. Infuriating when you want them to OWN something that they lied about. My debunking a lie resulted in my being PETTY. So frustrating

OMG! When you said "You're having the wrong argument..." it was what I told my ex time and again. This, of course, got me nothing but more gaslighting, blame, and rage. He (a dedicated user of pot and alcohol) even blamed me for his daughter's drug use--a child I met after she turned fourteen. It's hard to own up to having put up with this craven little monster--the most humiliating thing in my life. Boy, am I enjoying my freedom!

THIS is what just happened to me. Thank you for offering some clarity. Relationships are hard but putting up with this kind of bullshit is just unacceptable.

Flat out said, "I wouldn't flip out if you would quit pissing me off."

"you always have a problem everyday" and "you are always picking a fight" whenever I set a boundary and point out how they are being manipulative.

Ironic this popped up on my home page as last night my son a self-proclaimed and proud narcissist, and diagnosed as such, decided that last night after a good day together was the time to explode on me and the younger children that we don’t educate the kids properly and so they don’t have any real knowledge of the way the world works.

My ex narc cheated several times and blamed me- I was the reason behind me being cheated by him...and for bad relationship wtf! Then next minute he was weeping for not being good to me in past...hell. Insane sick worms 🪱 in narcissist head. Thrown and kicked him out of my life... Enough is enough man! Intolerable to be with these craps.

"I am your mother! I have no reason to lie!!" was absolutely drilled into my head as a small child and it was unacceptable to ever question that..... until now.

My parents said I was immature, and needed their"help" to grow up, so that was why they sexually abused me...I'm sure they had a different excuse for my older brother, younger sister, her friends...

I have a good story. There was one time my narcissist and I were driving to (or from?) a convention for the weekend. Normally, I would do ALL of the driving. It was expected, and usually I went along with it to avoid a fight. But this one time I asked him to drive and pushed it, and he wasn't happy about it. He picked a fight in the car about 30 miles out of town, started driving really fast, and got pulled over and ticketed. He got so upset that as soon as the cop drove away, he made me get out and switch places with him to drive the rest of the way and said that if I had just driven in the first place, he wouldn't have gotten so upset with me and wouldn't have gotten a ticket. HE blamed ME for getting a ticket while HE was the one driving. Guess I shouldn't have been so mean about it lol

My ex-mil did some blameshifting after her son cheated on me. She stated that cheating is the fault of the one cheated on. I was broken enough to believe her although it didn't feel well. Glad i'm out of that mess and healed of a childhood and marriage full of toxicity.

Your videos are a gift for many of us stuck in these relationships 😔 Thank you 🙏🏾

Thanks for the clarifying video, gaslighting is often a misused term. gaslighting is something that is more long term and intentional, it does not happen in a moment. You can blame shift, manipulate, lie, distort, without it being gaslighting well it will be the internet term for gaslighting. Something can be abusive without it being gaslighting and it does not need to be gaslighting to be valid for you to be traumatized it. It becomes gaslighting when it’s BOTH constant and intentional, with the purpose of confusing your perception of reality, in truth if your really being gaslit you probably won’t realize it.

Well we were out of state; & our 46 year old son was to take care of our dog, Brody. Our son then made plans to go on a trip & leave the State. Our daughter agreed to care of the dog Brody. After the son had left our house, our daughter went to get the dog. What she found was quite disturbing. She found Brody‘s dog bowl filled with rotting food on top of rotting food on top of rotting food. Our son had not bothered to wash the bowl in between feedings. When she returned the dog the following week, it just so happened, that our son was just returning from his trip. Our daughter scolded our son for not taking proper care of the dog. He made every excuse in the book. He took no responsibility. In the end he said, “ Brody is not my dog.”

Half my responses were. "That's irrelevant" because she constantly tried to redirect blame, usually from another occasion or even a made up incident. I came to realise that communicating with a person that can't hear what you're saying but hears their twisted version of what you said is nearly impossible. I resorted to having written conversations with my wife, which drove her nuts because she couldn't twist what I'd said, couldn't gaslight me about what I'd said and forced her to response slowly and reasonably. It got abandoned because she'd ambush me verbally to have her fight though and I got sucked in EVERY time.

Wow! Eyes wide open 👀! Know this now I didn't then. Know better do better. 🙃💐🌼 Thank you ☘️💚

Lots of love and gratitude

Him calling the cops 4 times over a week span to throw me out of my own house, he finally threw something at me and the cops arrested him, state pressed charges. But I deserved it and our marriage is over because I called the cops finally. All recorded too and he still blames me and all events after on me.

Dr. Ramani, you’ve been my guide out of the emotional hell that I suffered from a narcissistic mother. Could you do a video on journaling? I wonder if it helps or actually re-traumatizes a person.

8:26 Dr. Ramani, you are simply the best. You talk about such serious issues that have really messed up my life but many a time manage to make we laugh with your natural expressions. Thank you for your wonderful work. ❤

I can write a book in it as i ve been in relationship with a narcissist for nearly two n half decades n there is no way out for me . It has always been happening n i stopped confronting him now n he never accepts his fault in the first place .