"Where we going??" "Chill out" "Iiight." 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 So underrated.

‘We just need to go get it’ was the worst sentence I could hear as a 17 year old. The 3 hour round trip is so true.

"There's no better feeling than killing the enemy." Love how it came full circle 😂😂😂.

Every time a dealer says “I don’t have it on me” I know it’s gonna be a long day.

Stand alone trailer guy was actually kinda of a good dude…… He went to get you weed and left you a 357 and shotgun for protection 😂😂

Inside? Paralysis. But what I said was "That's what's up." Every. day.

Only Tom can talk about buying weed as a teenager and seamlessly transition into a story about killing a woodpecker.

“I threw grenades into bunkers” 💀💀💀💀💀

I literally got a message from my dealer saying he’s camping in the woods and totally available WHILE WATCHING THIS.

It's nice getting a receipt for cannabis now. Haha

Man, I’m still getting in strangers cars. Louisiana is a dump.

If you can just go to 7-11 to get some primo ganja by the time I die, than I left this world a little better than I found it.

My weed man in high school use to open the door almost every time I came. He would be wearing Corona flip flops, body armor and some boxers holding a shotgun.

Ah the good ol days when a 20 sack would last me a week lol

He nailed it with all his Dad stories.

It is so crazy how buying weed used to be unreliable and sketchy but that was also part of the fun

Ever spend hours hanging out with people you don't know while one of their buds is out "getting it"? Remember hoping this was not the day the house got raided?

“Did you ever kill anybody?” 🤷‍♂️ “I threw grenades into bunkers”

Do y'all know weed isn't legal in every state?.....most stoners are still living like this lol

Used to risk my life for it and now I have a rewards card for weed 😂

Theo von "he said killing someone was the most relaxing thing he ever did. Tom Segura "I bet" "I bet it feels good"

I laughed so hard on the moment where he goes: "Jesus. It's Christmas, bro. Goddamn"

1970’s background check: Who’s he? He’s with me, don’t worry, he’s cool.

"Do you have any stories _i n b e t w e e n_ those two stories?"

"Cool story, NERD" omfg I'm dead

“I threw grenades into bunkers” with his dad voice has to be one of my favorite Tom lines.

*"YOU TRYNA GETTA SACK?"*

this is the funniest bit ive ever heard from Tom. I used to not be impressed by him but dang he just keeps getting better and better. I laughed out loud like 10 times during this clip. Tom, if you are readying this, thanks for the laughs man

So, I just looked it up and sure enough the "Long Billed Woodpecker" is DEFINITELY listed as critically endangered lol I know that I shouldn't be laughing about this but I just find it hilarious the way that Tom told the story.

I used to always hang out at my buddies house after school, and we noticed that one of his neighbours had what we thought were weed plants growing over his fence. So one day we finally worked up the courage to go around to his house and knock on the door. We asked him if he sold weed. He immediately got aggressive af and said “Who are you?! Who told you about me?” whilst stepping towards us. We told him that we saw the weed from over the fence and my friend lived next door. He then immediately switched tones and said “oh come in then”. We all smoked a joint and he became our weed dealer for the rest of highschool after that lmao

I bought weed from a girl, at the projects, who sold me a gram of weed in a napkin at the playground

"The most terrifying housing situations that exist." Sheltered souls.

Until he mentioned it I never really thought about how close I came to dying in the early 1980's in my constant search for weed. Very funny.

"My dad's like, 'What do you wanna know?' " His dad's a storyteller like him. :)

3:46 imagine being an enemy soldier and hearing a “hey buddy!” behind you just as everything goes black

Weed is still illegal here in Wisconsin... :( But back in the late 1970's, seeing that this was the straight lace suburbs, you could get it just about anywhere IF you were in high school. One of the wildest buys I had was with a bunch of friends. We all had some cash on us and it was Saturday evening. One of the guys made a call and found out that one of the kids had just scored a bunch of sensimella that he'd sell in tinfoil packs for $5 a pop. You opened one of those packs at a party and everybody knew you had some sensi because it smelled so awesome. Anyway, we try calling this kid but no go so five of us just decided to go to his house and see if he was home. We knock on Fat Boys back door - weird name but that was what everybody called him and no, he was not fat - and what we believed to be Fat Boys dad opens the door. We looked in and saw like six people sitting at the dinner table eating. We were like shit, we interrupted their dinner and thought we'd better leave. His dad looks at us and then hollers, "Hey Fat Boy, I think you have some customers here." We are like WHHAAATTT? Even his DAD calls him Fat Boy AND he knows he deals weed ALONG WITH the rest of his family???!!! So Fat Boy comes to the door and goes, "Hey, come on in, I'll run up stairs and get it, how many do you want?" So there we are, standing in Fat Boys kitchen, his family eating dinner, little kids and all, waiting for Fat Boy to bring down his weed so we can make a drug deal RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS WHOLE FAMILY! He comes down with a big clear baggy and doles out $60 worth of weed IN FRONT OF HIS FAMILY, we thank him and he said he'd try to meet up with us later on that night. We leave and walk back out to the street and we all stop at once and look at each other like did this REALLY happen? Crazy shit man, crazy shit!

Tom's delivery is seriously always on point

“You have to come get it” Me at 16, walking 2 hours in a snow storm for the most garbage bud i had ever smoked, got me ridiculous high at the time though 😂

I love how causal his dad is about killing the enemy.

Top Dog said "Killing the enemy is like an almost sexual experience" on one episode.

It's crazy seeing what a lot of these comedians look like. I work in my car and listen to NFIJ radio constantly. Heard hundreds of different bits...the comedians I was unfamiliar with before hand never appear like what I pictured in my head lol

Dude is a master story teller.

Inside: "Paralysis" Outside: "That's whats up" Seems like my life motto

It takes one hell of a comedian to make you laugh at someone throwing a grenade into a bunker

The other weird thing about buying weed from a friend of a friend back in the day (especially in a college setting) is that there was this social etiquette / expectation that you were supposed to smoke a bowl with the guy you just bought weed from and hang out with him for like 20-30 minutes before you left his house. It was considered rude if you just bought the weed and then left (at least where I came from). I guess it was supposed to be a trust thing to help screen out narcs or something.

Got my jeans high and tight, and a gallon of koolaid. Lets do this

Being high listening to this is scary and hilarious at the same time

The irony in God damn it's Christmas bro is hilarious

How you know his dad is a real Marine by one phrase “Figure it out”

"Its Christmas bro! God damn.." 😂😂😂

Hilarious!!! Was 7-11 on fire?? 🤣🤣🤣

His dads the most honest man alive its the best feeling ever haha

*YOU TRYIN TO GET A SACK?!*

It’s like telling kids that Netflix use to send you videos in the mail..

“He said he’s 10 minutes away.” 😂😂😂 the dreaded wait

This is literally comedic genius! Great job! Very funny and relatable

Brings me back to the days of being 16 with zero responsibility, only worries on our mind was sitting around waiting for the weed man to text back all day, not only that, but hoping he’d be available or had some. Worst was the days waiting around only to find out they were dry. Those were the days, good thing weed is legal in Michigan now!

Tom segura is a master of the punchline lmao

“This will all make sense” lol

"Were there people in there??" "There were, yeah.."

Remember when weed used to have seeds?! 🤣

"Theres no better feeling than killing the enemy." 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

4:53 “This will all make sense.” 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Why am I only now being introduced to this dude?! Hilarious. 😂

“ I need you to shoot a bird”

Tom Segura's delivery is top shelf. Laughed my ass off.

The "I'm around the corner" is always the worst too. They dont say which corner just they are around one lol.

I rarely laugh out loud watching stand up. Like once in a blue moon. This was one of those times. Thanks man.

This is so true my guy made me drive him around picking up other shit all the time

His facial impressions are everything.

Being a combat vet (2012 Afghanistan) I when people ask me if I ever killed anyone the best answer is "I was in the Infantry, we have one job, I did that job". They usually ask what job I refer to. *Completing the mission*

I remember those days...i was the driver. But it still is like that many places in the u.s. Weed aint completly legal yet

I love this guy! He has a singer's voice too

This is my FAVORITE Tom Segura bit!! 🙌🏻👏🏻🤣

I went to jail for a seed and sticks found in my car 20 years ago. Literally less than a pinch

This dude is funny and can tell a good story 👏🏿👏🏿

That would've been considered one of the more heartwarming Christmas stories to tell in my family growing up...I don't hang out with that side of the family anymore.

Daddy used to get in cars with strangers." 😂😂

This guy had me dead AF!😂😂😂👏🏾👏🏾. How does he keep from laughing at his own jokes .

I've done the stand alone trailer thing a few times. But I had known the guy since elementary school and he never asked me to shoot anyone.

This set was sooooo amazing!!

The situations I put myself into for weed is absolutely ridiculous to think about now. So glad its legal now.

Ten or so years ago, my brother used to buy weed that came in little baggies. These baggies would sometimes have little designs on them like the Bat symbol or Superman’s S. So every time my brother had bought some, he would keep the bags. I (a child at the time) found a baggie on the sidewalk one time with some leaves in it or something. And I thought “Hey, my brother collects these” so I dump it in the gutter and give my brother the baggie. When my brother recognized it he said “What happened to the stuff inside?” I told him I dumped it, he let out a disappointed “Aaahhh”😩. 😅

I love how in like 7 minutes it goes from how different getting weed used to be to "So, I made a whole specie go extinct, WHAT'S UP? IT WAS GREAT"

He shot the bird but then said HE was blown away: the unwitting irony there! 😝 😆

The “AHHH I’m crazy” gets me everytime😂😂

This was so damn funny, I actually want to watch it again. That's rare!

Damn, livin' in The Netherlands is some good shit

"theres no better feeling than killing the enemy" I felt every piece of that shit!

Two years after that there was a woodpecker fucking up our house......... this will ALL make sense!"

"Jesus, it's Christmas, bro, God damn!" LMAO

Hey Netflix. Thanks for blasting BASS into my ears at the end of the video.

"Cool story nerd, you got any other words"🤣🤣I lost my shit

I fuckin died at the “thats wassup” part comedy goddamn gold

That Ahh I’m crazy at the end was courtesy of Dave Chapelle

In Fresno they use pigeons to deliver dope across the city. It’s amazing really

That ending!🤣 He's nuts!!

😄😄😂his delivery is on point

Lmao “used to”

Tom is hilarious! I enjoy his impersonations.👍