This is really validating for me. As a kid, I faced emotional abuse and verbal abuse, and I’m just now starting to put together how it affected more than I realized. Emotional and verbal abuse seem to be really downplayed by so many people, it’s kind of disturbing. But I’m glad you two brought this topic to light.

I appreciate this. Soon after my divorce-which felt like getting out of prison, since my marriage caused panic attacks, physical difficulties, etc.-I had a disagreement with a friend. I was so overwhelmed with gratitude that she told me about her anger outright, rather than freezing me out for weeks or gaslighting me, that I literally *thanked* her for telling me she was upset. It felt so amazing that we could deal with the matter outright, and that I knew where I stood. She looked at me like I was crazy and said “you’re thanking me for yelling at you?! Certainly makes it hard to be mad!” This was an early clue that I had been through something ... unusual.

The counsellor I saw at university who I spoke to about what was emotional abuse from my parents (but didn't know at the time) told me I was seeing myself as a victim and should just focus on how to cope with my panic attacks. They told me that the way I was talking (while having fits of crying and having panic attacks while they got mad at me for being sad because 'other people have it worse and you have nothing to be sad about' and 'you should just stop thinking like you are and be more grateful' and 'you need to stop being like this because it's getting me down with you crying all the time' and 'there's clearly something wrong with you' etc. etc.) needed to change and that I needed to reassure my parents because the way they spoke to me was because I was making them worried, and If I wasn't worrying them then they would be better. So I hid my feelings like I did as a child. I know now that it wasn't my fault, and that was both relieving but also terrifying because I saw my parents differently. I am around my partner now who is absolutely lovely and supports me no matter what. He has helped me to value myself and makes me feel loved no matter what. I am beginning to feel my self worth grow. It's reassuring to know some counsellors/therapists aren't always right. It helps me to stop when I am starting to doubt myself/ going into self blaming thought patterns and reassure myself. Thank you for acknowledging that. Sorry for such a long comment, TLDR: thank you, Mended Light and cinema therapy is wonderful and has helped me a lot.

I didn’t realize I was being emotionally abused in a long term relationship until after I escaped it. Looking back and seeing with clearer eyes all the terrible things my partner was doing to me for over a decade has been very difficult. I’m working with my therapist and trying to heal. But it took someone treating me how a want and deserve to be treated and saying “your heart was meant for more” to realize I am worthy of real love and needed to get out to save my life. Putting the pieces back to together is…a process. I’m glad I found this channel through Cinema Therapy.

I have been though some pretty intense psychological and emotional abuse as a child. My family all bullied me, and at times were physically violent with each other. My parents were neglectful, or invalidated my desires when they were around. I shaped myself in *their* world, and my people pleasing was extreme for such a long time, so much so that I couldn't determine what opinions were my own or given to me by others. Now I am working through it and discovering myself, my boundaries, and my strength through creative pursuits. I have my hand in many pots, but the picture they paint shows that regardless of medium, I am an artist.

My therapist told me emotional abuse is worse than physical. He's great!

i've experienced physical and emotional abuse and while i flinch and find quick movements make me uneasy i find that the emotional abuse has been much harder to deal with, a teacher once used a tone that was so similar to a tone that was used to guilt trip me as a child, and that simple innocent thing that had no ill intent caused me to shut down the rest of the day and i had to go to the office, and this is just one of the many stories where something like this has happened. i also appreciate that you touch on the fact that some people are just born into these situations because i myself was and it took me a very long time to come to terms with the fact i never got the childhood or life that my peers around me had, but it took even longer to realize that it wasn't my fault. the physical healed but the wounds the words and threats left behind never did.

This is one of the best videos I have seen on the subject, and I’ve seen a lot! It was very validating to hear you two talk about what I have experienced in my life. I’ve been recovering from CPTSD for 4 years now with amazing therapists, support groups and great resources. The sole idea of moving my identity beyond trauma blew my mind. I really needed to hear this today, I am so grateful for the work you guys are doing and feel hopeful for myself and others that have the blessing of Mended Light in our lives. 🙏❤️

My boyfriend’s mother is a champion at emotional and psychological abuse and I thought I might have PTSD at one point. I mean, the trauma definitely resulted in an intense mind-body connection.

i related to this so much, your wife explained it so well and "can´t relax" reminded of times when my family members, peers and pretty much everyone kept telling me to relax my body but for some reason i was never able to, only recently discovered that it´s because i´m constantly in fight/flight/freeze mode due to trauma

The thing with emotional abuse for me for a long time was always "can I really say this about myself, or did I just misunderstand what happened and I was actually just heartbroken?" I had been with someone I would describe as narcissistic and emotionally abusive for about four years of my teenage life, who I considered a best friend and who I had feelings for. He always kept me just close enough so I would keep my hopes up and hoped to get further the next time, but always far enough away that I felt like getting him and being with him was the most important thing in my life and I could loose him if I didn't behave. I told him he was my most important thing, and some time after that he said "if you can't deal with this and just be a friend, I'll leave and you'll never see me again." you know, after I still hoped I'd get to have him over and kiss his neck for hours, even though he had a girlfriend. I still feel gross thinking about what I did with him because I was a stupid hormonal teenager, but he didn't set boundaries when it came to those things. In the first place he could never give me a real rejection. At some point in time, after being constantly belittled in what I did and cared about, he drained me to the point I became autoaggressive, alcohol addicted and suicidal. The one time I tried to kill myself I ended up spouting a lot of dark humor, which at first he joked along with, only to then realise I was being serious and completely blowing up in my face, telling me I didn't know what I was talking about, belitteling my actual effort to look into ways of killing myself and telling me I was emberrassing myself. Luckily my family came home and stopped me, and why I still put up with him after that is beyond me. Now that I'm working past all this and he's been out of my life for as long as he's been in it, I still struggle with what he did to me. I have trouble trusting new connections, I overanalyse every word of someone I have feeling for to make sure I don't meet another person like that, I still have no selfesteem and going out in town or the school we used to go to can be challenging and triggering. I sometimes catch myself paranoidly looking around when I'm in areas he might be. I decribed it to a friend once as "it's like you've seen this giant spider over your bed, you leave for a moment, and when you come back the spider is gone and you won't be able to sleep until you know where it went." That fear has lessened over time, but sometimes it still ways on me and there are still things I need time to heal from.

Thank you for the video! I've been grappling and coming to terms with my CPTSD for years now, and it's always been a back and forth interrogation in my mind of, "Well, you had a roof, you had food, you weren't beaten, therefor you weren't abused" and "So why do I have PTSD symptoms? Why am I hyper vigilant? Why do I find myself in relationships that repeat this pattern of abuse? Why do I feel so utterly broken? Why do I feel like I am still just surviving...what would my life even look like if I was actually 'living'?" I can recognize that I have been emotionally abused by people I love, yet there is still a deep part of me that thinks I deserve that, or I shouldn't complain because others have it worse. It's a process. After so many years of being the people pleaser and fixer I've come to a place where I know I need to put my own healing first- hopefully, that will ripple out and heal those close to me, too. It's hard, but seeing folks like you talk about it even briefly helps and serves as a reminder to me that I can continue to choose who I want to be.

My emotional abuse began at 12yo, the way you described going back to who you were before the abuse began hit home. Anytime things got overwhelming I would often revert back to 10-11yo me. I’ll grab a stuffed animal I had at that age, watch a cartoon I loved at that age, draw and doodle like I used to etc. because that was the last time I can remember being actually happy. That and the whole feeling like I have no choice. My abuser really likes to use that against me, and I never had to the opportunity to even think about I wanted in life, it was always about them. In my 30s I know who I want to be now, and what kind of person I want to be, but it is so hard undoing 28 years of that mindset I built because of emotional abuse. I am seeing a trauma therapist and he’s been super helpful, but I definitely still have a ways to go.

As someone who went through severe emotional abuse at the beginning of my career in a helping profession (as a pastor, I was severely gaslit and emotionally abused by a large minority of my parishioners in my first parish), I would say that, based on my lived experience, the symptoms described in this video do not necessarily always begin with ACE experiences, but can be triggered by trauma during any major turning point in a person’s life. In my lived experience, I knew basically who I was, as a pastor, going into my first church (as I developed a sense of who I was as clergy during 4 years of undergrad + four years of full time seminary education), but I completely lost that identity after going through 3.5 years of emotional abuse. I tried to advocate for myself with various groups, but was told that I either had to endure or I had to rescind my ordination. I still can’t think about that congregation and those 3.5 years without getting anxious.

I did an ACE test and I got 8 out of 10, based on that I should be a homeless drug addict that can't keep my kids. I know other people who scored like this and they are a mess. I am that 1 out of 10, I'm the acception. I hold down a jon and have never had substance abuse, I'm not saying that I don't have struggles or triggler but I'm not a mirror of my environment and strive to do better. If you know your environment is not normal you have a chance of letting it go. I have CPTSD and I wanted to do therapy with my councilor like reprogramming and I don't think she even know what I was talking about or that it was even possible. Her advice was "just don't think about it", talk about #'$h^TTherapistySay. You both and your team are wonderful and are making a difference, and we need your light ❤

I am a survivor of CPTSD, involving emotional abuse, blackmail, gaslighting, physical and emotional neglect and abandonment. Even just listing them now I've had to take a moment, take a deep breath and recentre myself. When I have triggers/flashbacks, I practice mindfulness, I draw on my therapy sessions I've had in the last three years, especially after successfully escaping my sitautaion and becoming a functioning adult today, and having a healthy support network of relationships around me now. I am still on the mend. Watching both cinema therapy + Mended light really helps validate my emotions and lets me know I am not alone in these thoughts and feelings. I went away and took an online ACE test, I scored an 8. And that really scared me because Ive read books, I've been to couselling, group therapy, and read research papers. But I've never had my trauma portaryed as a number on a scale from 0-10. It was both friethening and relieveing in a strange way. It validated my expereinces, and allowed me to say out loud "what i went through, and what others have gone through that may be of a similar expereince, was not ok, it was not right, and that it is recognised as not normal." I want to thank you Johnathan and Alicia Decker, for creating and producing Mended Light + Cinema Therapy. I find great comfort and ease of mind whenever I watch your videos. Thank you

I had a therapist once tell me I should be glad I didn't go through sexual assaut when I would talk about the emotional abuse I went through. that was our last session.

I'd just add that there's a key difference between PTSD and CPTSD, that being in PTSD it's a single event during a small period and a small quantity of triggers, while CPTSD is several events across a long period with several triggers. That's what I personally believe after reading CPTSD: from surviving to thriving by Pete Walker, and watching several of Kris Godinez' livestremas here on YT as well.

I'm a bingo card for abuse. I was born into an unsafe environment. I experienced emotional, physical, and sexual abuses. I've managed progess but I still have things I don't think I'll ever get past

Thank you for doing this topic. I've had both long term and sudden childhood situations that caused PTSD and I didn't even know I had it until I got triggered while I was at work one day. That was an eye opener as I didn't know I had anything but annoying habits or aversions because of the long term emotional abuse. Please keep sharing. 💜

I haven’t been told necessarily that “i am worthless” etc.. but i have certainly felt that way..

Yessssss! Re: true recovery. I admire people who help victims, but I realized a decade after my abuse that I was carrying around my victimhood like a shield, and that it was unhealthy and harmful to judge future partners by the pathology of past events. How to fix it? Not just willpower, that’s for sure! Counseling and a lot of education, in my case. But it really was a mind shift to realize that my past could truly be left there, and no longer had to be a defining feature of my identity. Like... what 🤯🤯

I came here because of a relationship that had psychological abuse which I managed to get out of two years ago but to this day I still have nightmares about it. Today was one of those and yes well, I have a psychologist and psychiatrist, a new partner with a healthy relationship and I have made a lot of progress with therapy since my problem comes from a hostile childhood, neglect and even physical abuse I still feel it from time to time so marked by the experience of my last relationship that was extreme and overflowed into a nervous breakdown, every day I wake up and say, it's a new day, I'm going to go where I want to fulfill my dreams but sometimes the burden is so heavy that I can't even with myself. If you came here because you went through something horrible, the important thing is to know that we are valuable and strong. I hug you ❤

I believe the gravitational pull of the trauma can be erased. Crafting my own new identity is an absolute uphill battle and I’m currently looking into Peter Levine’s work on somatic experiencing.

I've suffered every kind of abuse there is. I don't know if I'm ace but, I have overcome everything but the hyper-vigalance. My faith has taught me that my self worth is innate. The nightmares went when I realized that darkness is in all people and my abusers were no more evil then I was. However I found the only way to feel safe is prepare.

A couple months ago I watched my father and aunt use the same mental a use they used on us. I'm sure they have no idea they do this or that it's abusive, and they wouldn't believe it was abuse if I explained it to them. Without going into details, I know it makes children feel unimportant, un-cared-for, and un-listened-to. How do you explain to old people who are abusive that they're abusive when they are so set in their ways and refuse to believe that ignoring a child is abuse?

I just recently realized that I did suffer trauma as a child in the form of verbal and emotional abuse. I never knew because it was what I was accustomed to. I am in the process of getting help from a therapist to help me deal with the fallout from my past.

Oh damn. Ive gotten through so many years of ab.... Childhood trauma and then my boyfriends. I didnt know what makes me me. I didnt know my needs and what my traits are. Then I met my husband and I experienced a whole new world - a save world where I was accepted and respected. And still am. I wasnt that good to my husband but he took me with all my flaws and struggles. He was there for me. And so was I there for him when he struggled. But the breaking point was when I realized that Im an undiagnosed Autistic with ADHD. 26 years and no diagnosis. But it made all sense all of a sudden. I got in contact with peers and learned so much about myself thanks to them. I learned to sense my needs - eventhough i cant really grab them or describe them. But I know now how to help myself and prevent Meltdowns and Shutdowns, which where nearly DAILY for years of my life. I am still waiting for my diagnosis - waiting lists for appointments are long where I live - but I made a huge progress in only two years. I didnt make so much progress in my 4 years of therapy. sooo... Im getting better.

🙋🏻‍♀️ severe immaterial neglect and emotional abuse. The one area i received was a strong communication of religion. Knowing that I had God, who loves me regardless, is the only thing that kept me going. I could trust this because of His nature and that He isn't human, so there's not the high chance of coming to hate me eventually. This line from a Christian song was a great reminder: "though a mother forsakes her child, I will never abandon you." It's a weird thing when you receive no love from your parents but they both impart upon you the greatness of love from Him reserved just for me, as He does for everyone. They unknowingly taught me very well what love actually is. Another thing that aided me as an adult.

Definitely recognize the existential weirdness of only now finding out I've probably never really been myself so far, outside of the trauma complex.

I'm not sure I consider it PTSD, but after receiving abusive voicemails from my ex nearly every morning for several months, I developed a fear of looking at my phone when I woke up. It was horrible

I have never felt safe anywhere, where my mother, step father, and my two biological sisters are. When they aren't there, I'm scared of the people that might possibly know them. During the time I was dating my husband, I could never answer his questions. I had the hardest time answering anything he asked, even with the basic "How are you?" Im doing better now, however it is thanks to him and my in laws for helping me out.

Ya I have lots of experience with this. My dad has always made threats that all of us know he would never do but I still got nightmares from it. An example would be if you scream again I will have your voice Box removed or if you kick one more thing I will brake/chop-off your legs. Things like that. Because of it I cant handle arguing or yelling. I work on being in a safe place in my head. I tried many ways of coping lots were unhealthy. Right now I use movies/watching something, meditating, ASMR, music, and crafts.

Listen, that compliment at the end and the film commentary to it was .... probably the most adorable thing I saw of you yet, Jonathan Decker! X'D And Alicia your response is equally adorable! I see shiny eyes. I love shiny eyes. You made an amazing point about: - not feeling safe and not knowing what that is even supposed to look like - not seeing how graviation keeps pulling towards trauma and how life starts once there's choice to step past that - not developing a "normal self" to go back to, when trauma creeps in early I'm not shocked about the numbers but ... I also am. I could tell by just looking around, but nevertheless, it's one thing to see it around and another to know that it's not just "something that happens to occur a lot where I am", if that makes sense? I was aware of the mess that shaped me and how there's hyper vigilance and also how it affects my preferences, choices. Going by what I'm constantly surrounded by (even in media), it took and takes me so much time to develop something as "simple" as a template of: - "What does a healed and whole person look like, in this messy life and world?" - "What does safety even entail? And when should I actually feel validated in wanting some?" (Cause that is apperently very difficult to tell) - "What would healed, embraced and balanced archaic female attributes in people of all and no gender look like and what could a society look like where that balanced isn't thrown off?" I'm 32. I ponder these things and feel into them a LOT and I look at many examples in how e.g. movies and media reflect thigs back at us (inaccuately). Because story telling means the invisible gets visible through absence. Basically, when we feel that characters or situtions are somehow "off" or "very in-tune like never before", is, when we learn best about reality. Either that someonewas able to see and capture our experiece, or that sth. is nagging at us by being absent. And we can start seeing it, if we look "why did xyz look off??". One of my constant nagging feelings: "So....what's healed relationship suppoed to look like, then? This looks off, why ... ? That's also off, why ... ? But this one is not it either? Why? Where is it? Everyone seeks it, but none of these look whole and safe to me?" I'm in constant shock over the sheer masses of disregard everywhere. Because I started looking at what is should be. And I've not even gotten myself quite past some habits of internally normalising what should not be normal. In recent years, at last, I have started to see a bit more of it pop up. More people in public living by it. More regarding interaction in media. More questioning of our normal. And that helps! Thank you for being there. (Pardon the um ... novel, as per usual X'D)

I absolutely developed PTSD (C) from listening to other people's emotional abuse on a daily basis. And then receiving it (punishment) every time the fear leaked out of me (crying out for help). Grateful for Our saviour Jesus Christ, His Love, Light and Healing and those who follow Him and help others like me.

This hits home hard in past and current events. I will overcome and thrive and have a tribe of supporters to lean hard on and are always honest with me. Thanks for doing this topic. It is real and feels like it can destroy from the inside out. I’m starting to feel like myself again. It’s worth the hard work!

As far as I can remember I've never felt safe in life. I won't go into details because that would literally take hours and nobody would have the time to read it all, but I've been abused and mistreated my whole life. I've dealt with both physical and emotional abuse, sexual abuse, financial instability, several forms of neglect, including medical neglect, and out of all the sources of my trauma, nothing affects me even remotely as much as the emotional abuse and neglect. My whole childhood I was nothing but a puppet to serve the needs of others while nobody really ever saw or cared about my needs, and I was subconsciously trained to ignore all of my needs and put everyone first to the point where I didn't matter, to them or even to myself. My feelings were put on the sidelines because the people around me were suffering more, and the way my family saw it, there was a tier list of trauma, and because mine was the least significant, it was non-existent to everyone but me. I was the youngest in my family, but I was treated as the family therapist. I coddled everyone else and took care of them all when they needed support, but when I needed support I was always told "If you think that's bad, I had it worse" My parents care about me and love me but they're so blinded by their traumas and their lives that I never seemed to matter. I was neglected and ignored, pushed to the side at every turn, right up until somebody needed me. My abuse was least often physical because I'd seen what my parents were capable of doing to my older siblings and was so scared I did everything in my power to be the perfect child. I did well in school, did everything I was told when I was told, took care of everyone's needs, and stayed out of trouble to the best of my ability. I was so good at pretending to be okay that I flew under the radar right up until the point where I cracked and pulled such a sudden and complete 180 that it was impossible not to notice me anymore. I went from quiet, obedient, motivated, and kind, to loud, unruly, unmotivated, and to be totally honest, kind of a bitch. Of course at home I suppressed my loud and unruly side out of fear, so that lead to many years of me sitting alone in my room, trying not to let my presence be a burden or give people any reason to be angry with me. I learned to suppress myself and shrink myself to a husk of a person just to avoid stepping on anyone's toes because even the smallest, most insignificant things could be and often were punished. I spent years being scolded for being lazy and disobedient when in reality I was so deep into my depression and self-preservation that I physically couldn't pull myself out of bed unless there were significant consequences for not doing so. I never learned who I was as a person and I still don't know. All I ever knew was how to serve others, and unfortunately that primed me to be drawn to people in need of service. I only associated with other broken people because I saw them as someone that I could fix. I filled a hole in my heart by attempting to fill the holes in the hearts of others, but unfortunately because of the nature of trauma, a lot of those people were toxic in different ways and most of them left me damaged more than I already was. I've been hurt by a lot of people, and I've also hurt a lot of people that I deeply regret hurting. I struggle to hold jobs and relationships, I struggle to recognize and care for my own needs, and I often struggle to keep my emotions in check. I'm in a very loving and committed relationship now, but even though I'm in the safest space physically that I've ever been in, a lot of my symptoms have been driving a wedge between me and my boyfriend. The feelings of uncertainty and instability and fear that keep me so on edge can cause a lot of tension and frustration between us, and his own personal trauma doesn't make it any easier. The only thing keeping us glued together is the fact that we both need each other and that's just not healthy. I need him because otherwise I'm destined to be thrown back to my parents and back into this unstable and terrifying environment and he needs me because he needs someone to care for him and nurture him and he needs another person to help pay the bills. There is still love there, and we love each other very deeply, but it's like we're walking on a tightrope with no shoes on and it's cutting into our feet more and more as we struggle to stay upright while our worlds are crumbling around us. We love each other very much and he is my biggest source of safety and comfort in this world but we both need some serious therapy if we're going to keep this relationship alive and healthy long-term

What Alicia says about believing that one doesn't have a choice (anymore) and realizing that this isn't true ... I guess I needed to hear this to advance. Thank you.

I didn't know if this video would be relevant to my experiences but, being a recent subscriber, i decided to watch it. it only hit me around the end when you said something about choosing what future you want and what life you want that your abusers tried to take away. i was raised abused and isolated, in the middle of nowhere, and my parents didn't plan a future for me or my sibling because i guess they didn't expect us to grow up to adulthood and never really saw us as people. i never thought I'd live this long or get this far and seeing this video made me realize just how far I've come. thank you guys for all that you do 🥲 I'll continue to fight for the future i want and continue my healing.

That describes me. It is still hard for me to admit I was emotionally abused growing up and to some point am still being emotionally abused today as an adult.

I needed the Help from a friend who recommended the book from Pete Walker about CPTSD to recognize that my struggles in Life are a result of emotional Trauma. The therapists Here are Not familiar with this topic, one said to me: No nightmares, No Dissoziation/ Flashbacks= No Trauma. Period. He Just knew shock Trauma. To accept for myself that this book described me to the letter and that I in fact suffer from CPTSD and getting affirmation from another, younger therapists who told me that I was indeed right, was a huge relief. And I am pissed Off about what happened to me and wildly determined that my past will not interfere with my Future anymore.

I'm dealing with PTSD from my abusive 14 year marriage. It got physical a few times, but most of my abuse was verbal and emotional. I'm in a place right now where intrusive memories are happening almost daily, and it's not the physical altercations that I'm flashing back to. It's the words he said and the ways he made me feel. My therapist and I are working on coping with it and understanding it. Videos like this really help because as my therapist says, "The real work of therapy happens outside of session."

I think people often underestimate the long term affects of bullying.

Thank you, so much for this. Keep doing this great work between you and toward everyone else.

This 6:59, this 7:21, this 7:49, and THIS 9:06 Thank you.

So appreciate you two!! It’s wonderful watching you communicate and interact with each other. You’re very attuned to one another’s invisible languages and are mature and nurturing with your communication as a couple. That in and of itself in a video is healing to see. Watching people with healthy relationships is empowering and encouraging to go that direction yourself. Something I heard from a young age (kind of in reference to romantic relationships, but it could apply to likely any kind of relationship you wanted: “don’t look for ‘the One’; become the One.” (And then, ehe, the ‘One’ will likely come to you.) Jonathan, what you mentioned about how wonderful it was for Alicia to help you see beyond “I’m an empowered victim- I’m a survivor and I can help” that it actually goes beyond that- there a life beyond all that- beyond even behind a “healed victim”, an actual LIFE, a thriving life, and one day it all can be a distant chapter- you don’t have to keep going back to it. And while it’s a defining chapter, it doesn’t have to be a black hole you keep orbiting around- you can find a sun. Thanks for encouraging that we can CHOOSE who we become- construct a vision and go for it- that’s more powerful than merely hoping for healing and understanding as an end-all. And if you keep going- who knows. There’s no limits. You may very well indeed go where no man has gone before. ;) Thankyou again!!

🙌🙌 Love this show and Cinema Therapy too. Thanks for the effort you make! I can't comprehend how you guys have jobs and still manage to make interesting and informative KZfaq videos on the regular. Awesome stuff.

This speaks so much to me. I have been in that place (my ace score is 7) and struggle a lot. I have several menthal health issues and very severe eating disorders to a point I can't even work any more. I totally feel that I don't know who I actually am, that what little "me" may have existed just has been suffocated, that "my life does not belong to me". I am in therapy since years (and am lucky to live in a country with a good social health care, because I could not afford it otherwise). I just mostly wanted to say THANK YOU for this video. I only slowly start believing by now that emotional abuse is "valid" too and can cause traumatic stress as well. Because I always felt (and was told, by familiy, society? etc) that it was not. Which is obviously not true. I hope your messages may reach those out there feeling the same.

You both are awesome people. I am so glad I got to know, about your existence Jonathan, thanks to Cinema Therapy. I didn't know you have another channel, who is not with Alan. Now I joined to this one too. I suffer from PTSD every day, and I watched that video, to look for the magical solution, how to deal with it properly. I wish I could talk to you in person, but you are in the US, and I am on the second edge of the globe. VIA my health insurance group, I tried going to psychologies and psychiatrist, both didn't help me, doing a favor that they listen, or trying to give me medications. Which feels to me like saying "Screw you deal with it, we don't want to help" And I have a private therapist, but she is alternative, not expert in the field. And BTW my parents emotionally abused me, with the rough education, and showing me love in the wrong way. They didn't do that on purpose, but they've hurt me a lot. It's not why I have PTSD, but I know what's an emotional abuse is on my flesh.

This channel is healing me. Thank you.

My mother was emotionally abusive, telling me that I was unworthy of love and incapable of ever earning love. It has left me with difficulty in relationships and high levels of depression and anxiety,

happy to hear more talk about that not everyone has a good past self to go back to. I myself have no good past me to return to. and I am unfortunately one of the many who have been told that I can not have PTSD because it is only for one-time situations. but also from others that I definitely can and probably have based on many tests and my past as a dangerously ignored child and teenager. so it's good to hear that there is hope for us without a good past too. not just for those who have something to return to, but everyone. it helps.

Thank you. Just thank you.

The word survivor (in reference to myself) always felt really off. I saw someone use the term "involuntary expert" and I like that so much better. I am incredibly well informed on how trauma works and riding out triggers and reregulating. I would have preferred not to need any of that knowledge, but I am proud of what I learned and what I get to teach others.

I have almost all my ACEs and at least one sibling with a diagnosis of childhood ptsd. It's a lot and trying to not be anxious all the time when it's just casually eating at me is an every moment of every day thing. The world has never felt safe and I get about evrrything that you've described with avoidance and flashbacks, waking memories nightmares. I mostly had emotional abuse. But there was a lot of physical abuse in my childhood of my secondary parent and my sibling for trying to protect her. The way you both explained about my need to be safe and spend energy not* revealing who I am so that I feel safe in my interpersonal interactions is... Something I've been trying to cope with recently. Because I realized trying to connect in an office or on a date is like " what are you into?" and I don't feel safe to tell people anything about myself. I don't want to be judged or osteicized for saying I'm uncomfortable or need help.... I work literally a job that is both helping others and can be very dangerous at times. If things are too calm I get jittery and anxious that something will go wrong. Idk. Life is struggling. So I'm on the path for seeking therapy.

you inspire me to build a better relationship with my partner by the way you look into each others eyes when your talking and really pay attention to what they say is just so enchanting :)

Thanks for this video. I always had this question.

Thank you so much for making this video. I've recently been discovering CPTSD and how my happy and perfect childhood was actually not that perfect. I'm starting to remember small things that like if I didn't want to eat my plate empty I would get told I'm not being grateful for food and should experience starvation on a refugee camp to learn how good things are for me. There was rarely a "why don't you want to do X? Let's fix the problem", especially from my dad's side. I was mostly expected to adjust to unpleasant experiences and not complain. Now I'm trying to heal my self esteem so that I can stand up for myself at work and ask for my needs to be met in relationships, and I feel hopeful.

I was on a path to work through all of this (and other stuff) with a small team of people, professionals and otherwise, to help me. That has all been removed from me. I’m back in survival mode and have now hit the burnout stage. I found this channel via Cinema Therapy and am using both like Band-aids.

Really well articulated, and much appreciated 🤍🤌

Thank you for this video. I just took the ACE test, and was surprised when I got 7 out of 10. I mean, I know I have had some severe adverse childhood experiences, but even then, apparently there were many other things that classify as such that I wasn't aware of. I've been through so much trauma in my adulthood that I guess I must have either forgotten or downplayed some things that happened in childhood. Perhaps trying to focus on everything now would be impossible. This was very interesting to watch, though I do feel a bit sadder about the state of my life, haha. So much work to do...

I’ve experienced emotional abuse within my family and romantic relationships, as well as sexual abuse and harassment in romantic and work place contexts. In addition to finding a therapist who had a background in treating children despite my being an adult, the most helpful things for me have been practices that connect me to my body (yoga, breathing techniques, massage, etc) and taking the time after an emotional flood to sort out what trigger was pushed and why I reacted so strongly-I most do this through journaling over a period of a few days at a time.

Personally i find one of the hardest things about emotional abuse is that sometimes its not so obvious. I was emotionally, verbally, and occasionally physically abused by both of my parents. Its easy for me to recognize that my mom hitting me was abusive. Its not so easy to recognize that her, a 37yo woman, leaning on me, a 7yo child, for care was abusive. Its also really hard for others to understand so then u get other ppl questioning u and telling u that ur over reacting or making it up. U doubt ur reality every second

I'm glad you guys talked about emotional abuse. I was married to an abusive alcoholic who never laid a hand on me or the kids. Try and get anyone to understand the abuse when it doesn't show up in the form of bruises. Because of the nature of emotional, spiritual and intellectual abuse I remained married to him for 25 years! It took him risking the life of my youngest by driving around with him while drunk that finally spurred the divorce. And even after that I still wrestled with my faith for a couple of months before telling him it was time for a divorce. We are brainwashed by faith to remain in abusive situations until Death do us part. I have not lost my faith, but I did have to set aside ideas ingrained in me from birth about the nature of the promise that I made 30 years ago in front of my friends, my family and my God. It's been a little over 5 years since the divorce and I'm better off emotionally on the outside. I no longer scream and yell at everything, I'm not visibly pissed off all the time anymore, but the anger and hurt are still very much alive inside. Just seeing images of that SOB effects my blood pressure not to mention seeing him on my effing property when he comes to pick up my son. Of course I don't show those emotions because that would be harmful to my son. I have come to accept that my ex has pretty much destroyed any desire in me to ever let another person into my heart. Instead I focus all my energy and work into providing for my kids and their future. For me personally there is nothing left. At this point I give it all to them (my kids).

This video is so good. Short, but packed with so much validation and information.

I would love it if you could go into adoption and trauma associated with it. People rarely talk about this area in psychology and even fewer go into the whole mental health issues that can follow adoptees.

Thank you for this: I can have the life that I choose to have. THANK YOU.

Well. Damn. This video is both reassuring but also a touch distressing.

It was weird being the military hearing people talk about PTSD. Some people went through different things and claimed that because X was more serious than Y then they had a more valid claim to being diagnosed with PTSD. It was like they were trying to keep PTSD as something that had more respect than *general* trauma, thus people would respect them. Which had an adverse effect of those who still experienced trauma but were now made to feel like it wasn't real trauma and that their feelings were invalid.

Thank you very much for this video. I was emotionally abused as a child. This video is totally for me ❤️❤️❤️❤️

I was emotioinally abuses and you both said it so elequently and clearly that I had to stop this video a few times to cry. Like I am so relieved that there are more than just my own therapist that understands what I am going through and can communicate about it clearly in a helpful way. I am not a only a person with emotional child hood truama but also was physically and sexually abused as a kid to and on top of that I am a USAF veteran who was in a job where I was involed in war intamately and I was sexually assulted and raped by my fellow airmen who were supused to be the people who I go to for suport and to lean on. AS of now I am in that position of figuring out who I am and who I want to be because there are no answers in my past of what is safe or what is healthy. Also I loved the Complex PTSD episode on Cenema Therapy. I actually send that to people who don't understand what Complex PTSD is so that I don't have to always regergitate my experience. So thank you for Mended light and Thank you both for speaking on this topic its really helpful for people like me. I am so glad that I am alive in a time where both of you exist. Amber Breland.

God bless you for your videos!! They are so needed!!!

Wow this hit home for me. Both my parents were abusive in different ways (father was a physically and verbally abusive alcoholic, mother has narcissistic personality disorder co-presenting with histrionic personality disorder, and was extremely emotionally abusive to all 3 of my siblings and I), and neglectful. I almost took my own life at age 7. I am now in my mid-30s and still struggle with trust, people-pleasing, and feelings of worthlessness. I've come a long way and have a long way to go, but am working on myself - I'm currently pursuing my MA to be a therapist, but when I started my degree, I realized I need to help myself first so that I can help others. Oddly enough, it motivated me to get help. "You can't pour from an empty glass," as they say. I still have nightmares frequently (usually not about the events, but still) and issues with trust, but I'm in a better place than I was and I'm genuinely looking forward to continuing to grow. For anyone else struggling, despite what others may have told you with their words and/or actions, you DO have value and stuff to offer the world, please don't give up.

Thank You

I take a class in school that is called, Sociology in Action-which basically talks about our society and the social contruct. In one of our units (which we are still in), has mentioned about the ACE test. Our teachers made us (students) take the test without showing the results to others and to see if we scored higher than 3. We also watched a video regarding to a father who scored a 9/10 on the ACE test which lead to the suffer of him and his daughter’s relationship. I honestly believed I have never had trauma, nor emotional trauma-until I started doing therapy and unraveling many of my experiences in my childhood that lead to severe depression. This video helped me alot and give me realization that I can form PTSD from emotional trauma in my childhood and even now. My father is verbally abusive who is also a narcassist. Most of the time, I don’t feel emotionally safe anymore and often even with my family I’m always walking on eggshells. Most of the time, im often in survivor mode-trying to just not get hurt emotionally or lead into a decision I would not want to make.

I went through about 13 years with a step father whom I didn't realize was an abuser until several years after I left the environment. I've only been trying to figure out how much of my identity is centered around this person and the environment I lived in for a few months. I have been battling with depression and anxiety and trauma responses for so long, and this video has made me feel like I don't have to be defined by that anymore. I keep trying to reach out for mental health healing and I seem to make a few steps before the resources are no longer available to me for one reason or another. None of the free resources I've investigated have been helpful, and I've had been struggling with money for so long I don't know if I'd be able to get the help I need.

I have PTSD from emotional abuse from a narcissist. I was in a long distance relationship with my abuser when I finally cut them off, but when I had to move to their city for school my PTSD was debilitating. I could barely leave my home for fear I might bump into them, I had a nervous tick, and constant nightmares. Luckily, a friend reached out and offered to teach me about self hypnosis, and she has helped to guide me and has taught me how to guide myself into a better state of mind. I am still on my journey to healing. My nervous system is still very dysregulated from the trauma, but I am working with various tools to get better. There is hope! AND there is power in calling it what it is. Just because you aren't diagnosed formally, doesn't mean you don't have PTSD. Naming the feelings, naming the problems, is part of the steps you can take to changing your life for the better. Take care friends

My very first attempt seeking therapy, my therapist also claimed this very same thing and it completely derailed and invalidated my experience. I stopped seeking therapy and most medical help entirely because every doctor has gaslit me and utterly failed to help me at all.

I was bullied for 11 years (age 4 to 15), I don't know if I have PTSD, I don't think it's to that extent but I have underestimated my issues in the past. I definitely related to her talk about ACE.

"Good Will Hunting" --> It's not your fault. (I know.) No, it's not your fault. [Zooming in.] That hits. The trauma was a result of THEIR problems. I was just in front of them and convenient as a child to control. Sad for us both. I'm moving on. So long, and thanks for the fish. 🙃

I got complex PTSD. I got both physically abused as well as emotionaly but the emotional part was the thing that really broke me. I got some symtoms of nirmal ptsd because I was almost drowned as a punishment but it didn't ruin my life what ruint me was my father hitting me on the back of my head everytime I did something he didn't like. The problem was he didn't tell me beforehand what exactly he wanted. I had to guess. The worse I did the harder he hit. He would hold me down and tell me to try to get free and using more and more pressure so he would make sure that I wouldn't succeed and smile and laugh at me. A big part that really fuck me up was my mom even though she was carrying and sweet. He boyfriend also abused me. I don't know moste of the things he did. I told he everytime what he did and she didn't do anything because he said he didn't and she had no proof. He then treated me worse because I told he and so I never told he about what my dad did. The feeling of beeing hopeless unable too do anything to protect me and the fear of everything getting even worse was what real broke me. The fear of everyone who has more authority that me makes me unabel to get a job because I get physically sick of all the constant stress. Even though I have gotten this sick I still consider me lucky. I had someone who loved me, who did nice thinks with me, who showed me kindness and compassion, who showed me that not ever person is like this. I think it really made me abel to enjoy thinks and self-reflect. Yes I don't know who I would have been if thinks were different but I know what I like about myself and what I want to change. I will always be greatfull of that skills I think they really safed my life.

I've been verbally and emotionally abused by my spouse for 24+ years. I am planning my exit strategy. I don't have a victim mentality. I have a relationship with God and focus on how He sees me. The comments don't affect me anymore. I know who I am as a person. The comments still sting but I know they aren't true. I am pretty sure I probably have PTSD. I don't know if he is going to be nice or have a violent temper tantrum. Living like that, I am constantly on guard and don't feel safe. Having a relationship with God and filling my mind with the Bible has helped me greatly. Looking forward to further healing once I leave this situation.

11 years ago I went the first time to a therapist. My parents were emotional abusing me, but at this time my father nearly kicked down my door, and they threw me out for a few days. The reason was, they were on their annual holiday (they left for turkey each year, spend a few thousand euro for that, left me home with 100 bucks to buy food.). I was 17 at the time. We went to social workers and there was this "therapist". When I came in, there was a trainee with him in the room. She wasn't introduced or anything, she just said there (2 years younger then me) and took notes. I told him everything. About the emotional abuse, about how my parents make me feel worthless, how I feel like an outsider..... at this point he already spoke with my father (even though they were smart enough to not hit me, like my older sisters (already adults, hitting ur child was even allowed at this time), he can't hide really well that he is an a**). The therapist looked me in the eye.... and said " Oh well yeah I am on holiday now, call me up in 2 month then we make a new appointment". This was the child therapist. I was 17 at the time, 3 months later I wouldn't be able to come back anymore. 2 years later I was thrown out the third time, this time is stuck. Went nearly homeless, worked stupid jobs, failt 2 times at a university, got bad friends, got addicted to thc.... but then tried studying again, went back to a different university, found new friends, then some idiot I knew from my fitness club heard that I needed a trainee position for my university. Got a trainee position, a study-job and then a real job after getting my degree. Got a new place, distant myself from old "friends", got together with this beautiful person. Got some real therapy and realized.... I went through trauma. I never wished to be born, but my parents always wanted to think that it doesn't matter how they treat me, they gave me life so I must be thankful. They made me feel worthless, unloved, crazy, small and weak. But they are wrong. For everyone who is reading this and maybe is seeking help and/or trapped by narcissistic parents. Your emotions are valid, therapy take a few tries. I know it's hard but its worth it. To not feel like sh** anymore, to not have these dark thoughts, to start living again. At this point I can even write about this stuff without feeling like sh** anymore. It's kind of magic how words can heal.

i was gaslit, taken advantage of, and emotionally manipulated by a master manipulator who would literally say to my face “youre my most loyal friend i cant believe youd think id ever do anything like that to you” then proceeded to try and set me up on two separate occasions to have me robbed and i dont know if that was truly his intention a 100% but every time someone came over or he was on the phone with someone. i could hear them say things about me like “hes perfect ill literally make him my pet” or “i dont give a fuck about that bitch imagine he sees me at a gas station and i start shooting him” or “ill stab him” etc etc all behind my back when he thought i couldnt hear him and i am still shaken to this day because that was literally my closest friend as a child and i dont even know if i can consider it trauma or not despite me not even being able to function at work as it was happening. i had to go through that with him for like 6 momths

I thought I was just another kid who hated their 'parent' and that planning to jump ship as soon legally possible was normal. Wasn't until my school gave me a SAFE counselor (made to help with sudden emotional breakdowns and help children that are in dangerous situations) and she wound up calling DHS and having to specifically state to not give the horrid lady raising me a warning that they were coming, did I realize that I was in an horrific situation...

Sometimes primary care givers have the best intent. But their own childhood baggage get in the way of raising us. My parents did not believe me any time i felt sick or when i was sexually abused as a child. To this day I still struggle trusting people making connections and letting my guard down. And hid my serious symptoms of covid due to fears of not being believed Almost 40 year old woman.

I can't really talk about PTSD according to the DSM-5 as I simply don't know much about it. However, if we look at the diagnostic criteria for PTSD accord to ICD-10, the first criterion is that the affliction is caused by "Exposure to a stressful event or situation (either short or long lasting) of exceptionally threatening or catastrophic nature, which is likely to cause pervasive distress in almost anyone." What this typically means is that the life of you or someone in the situation must have been in danger, or that the perception of such a threat was a reasonable response at the time. Therefore, according to ICD-10, if you don't fulfill that criterion, you _technically_ cannot be diagnosed with PTSD. However, that does not mean that the subjective distress cannot be equal to the symptoms associated with PTSD, or that what you have been through is not equally valid cause for distress. Another important point is that while there are historical reasons for the causal criteria, which does not mean that it is not an arbitrary distinction. While the symptoms will require exposure of some severe, the symptoms can arise from other events and situations than the ones described, which is one of the reasons diagnoses like CPTSD have been introduced in recent years.

I have CPTSD, and I consider myself both a victim and a survivor. My life is a constant balancing act between the two, depending what type of day I'm having and if I'm coping or thriving. I don't dislike the word 'victim', and I think trying to replace it with the word 'survivor' is kind of invalidating. I can't be the strong, thriving survivor if my mental health is at its worst and I'm very triggered. I've had years of therapy, but the only ones that have actually helped long-term are EMDR and Parts Work, where you access your inner child and who you were at the ages you were hurt, and communicate with them. I can now understand why I feel triggered by certain things, and trace it back to a core memory. It doesn't stop me being emotionally triggered and I'm still very affected by it, but I can soothe myself and look after myself until it passes.

Thank you for this. You're talking about me. I don't know if I'm triggered or happy for the representation. I need therapy and I'm having a hard time getting it.

I was verbally/emotionally abused and neglected growing up, and my mom would always get angry or upset anytime I showed any negative emotions (even if I wasn't being disobedient or rude, etc.), so I learned from an early age to mask all of my negative emotions. My dad was hardly ever home, which wasn't entirely his fault, since my mom didn't work most of the time (and so, sometimes, my dad would have to be working two jobs), but even when he was home, he wasn't really present. Now, I'm terrified to give anyone even slightly unpleasant/bad news cuz I'm worried they'll get mad at me, even if whatever happened wasn't my fault; and I'm always worried about telling people "no" because, despite my family telling me I *could* say no if I didn't want to do something (like watch a movie/tv show that they wanted to watch, or go somewhere with them, etc.), they would *always* get mad at me and call me names whenever I actually *would* tell them no. And they'd either keep doing it till I changed my mind, and then get mad at me later for not being as excited as they were about it, or they'd use it to guilt-trip me into doing stuff with/for them later. And unfortunately, the person I'm living with now is very much the same way, and yes, I know I can leave - eventually - but Idk how much longer I can last here. And for years, anytime I would try to express the fact that I was angry or upset by something someone said or did, because I'm the youngest in my immediate family, I was never taken seriously. I was just being "too sensitive," "taking things too seriously," or I was "being a baby," "a jerk," "an a**hole," or a b*tch." And I found out in college that my primary love language is Words of Affirmation. So, all that has really stuck with me. The only time I ever got words of affirmation was about my schoolwork. And still, mostly just from my teachers. If I had anything lower than a B in any class, I got in trouble at home. I've needed and have wanted to get therapy for years, but I can't afford it, so I have never really learned how to cope with anything.

I've been dealing with recovery from my narcissistic ex-husband. I'm in a new relationship and he hates that someone treated me in a way where I have these triggers. I didn't consider it PTSD until a few days ago when my divorce finally became final and I had a panic attack when I saw him there standing in front of the courtroom

Thank you for putting this perspective out there! Confirmation of hardships is quite helpful for realizing that things are not imagined and therefore have objective attributes which can be addressed. I'm definitely sharing this whenever I can!

Jonathan and Alicia, please, show your support for Ukraine, the whole nation is right now developing complex PTSD. We need your support right now.

this is literally my life ❤️🧡💛

You guys mentioned reprogramming your brain and physiology, and I had to mention that, in my experience and the experiences of a few people I'm close with, EMDR has been incredibly helpful with that. I've suffered a lot of trauma- repeated throughout childhood, then in a number of abusive relationships in my 20s- and EMDR has been life-saving. It's not exactly a walk in the park- I've had to feel some stuff that I repressed since my very early childhood, and it's been one of the biggest challenges of my life, but I've actually been able to resolve some stuff that I never imagined I would be able to resolve. Do you guys have an opinion on EMDR? I know it could seem a little weird that rhythmic tapping can help so much, but I've been going to therapy for 20 years (I'm 34), and it's helped me more than anything else.

I thought for sure that I didn't really have anything wrong, that I was so lucky, that my whole family was traumatized one way or another but somehow I had been born at the right time and managed to avoid it but recently I started realizing that there was something not quite right, I mean I always felt like that but I started feeling bad and realizing it needed to change. I took the ACE test a couple months ago after hearing about it from videos like this one and was shocked to find my score, depending on how I qualified my answers was between 4-7. 0~Q

I've just turned 32, and it's only in the last 5 or so years I even realized my life was/has been filled with Abusive influences. My parents are both prone to saying terrible things - threats, tear-downs,... dad worse than mom - and then saying 'I love you' or 'I'm proud of you' like nothing happened and neither see reason to change or improve because they're a smidge better than their parents were. I have two younger brothers that have largely been in denial, so no real back-up in-house. My older little brother has been somewhat financially solid for some time, and moved out of the house years ago - before moving back for a few months in 2020, then out again last year. He's become the newest 'why can't you be like...?' example that isn't a cousin, an acquaintance's child, or one of the infamous middle-aged billionaires. I started saying several years ago that I'm the 'protector' - I stand up to my dad, I try to help if somebody's already been affected by a recent incident (mom and youngest brother are my fellow victims - most outsiders don't know what dad's prone to). Lately, I've taken Mandated Reporter training ahead of a stint of student-teacher training. The more I learn, the worse I realize things have been. I can't move out for financial reasons, I can't convince anyone that self-improvement is a good idea, and the stints of outpatient Counseling my parents have gone through have been window dressing. If I voice a concern or talk about things that are stressing me out, things get twisted FAST, and I'm usually left blubbering and having 'You need HELP!' shouted at me. I have Autism and ADHD, and Executive Function Disorder, and while I was good at memorizing/remembering as a grade-schooler, sometime around junior high things went sideways. Now, I question everything while dealing with my dementia-diagnosed grandma (86) and my mom (59) whose bearings on memory are questionable also. I know PTSD can have an effect on memory, but does it count if the trauma never really ends?

I told a therapist that I might have cptsd after a lawyer had brought it to my attention. She scuffed at it. She also said that the ex (who was very abusive) might be autistic. I haven’t been to a therapist even though I probably really need it because of these things. I was be littler while the ex and abuser was in a way being excused. I had already figured this is why I can’t study. I was pulled out of school in fifth grade with straight fs. Now I would like to go back to school, but at the moment I have difficulty reading books and playing video games. So life is stalemate.

Great video guys!!! What can we do to get CPTSD in the DSM, so peeps can get proper treatment?

Idk I don't feel good while I say this that my childhood was full of emotional abuse and confusion and manipulation...and that it's still a part of my life as I'm just 20 and live with my parents. The good thing is that everything that happened in this pandemic kinda forced me to deal with the hidden stuff...tho there's still a long way to go...but I learnt a lot about mental health and my issues and how to manage... I didn't had the option to go to a therapist but I'm happy that I understand it now and know how to go through it for now. But I can handle my stuff maybe but there's still this thing I can't, and ig I don't need to but I'm concerned. The dysfunction I mentioned isn't intensional....most of it, isn't. My mom & dad have went through different traumas especially emotional & cultural trauma throughout their lives... And now I get it, what used to happen when I was a kid and is still happening... But I'm feeling kinda helpless again cuz my mom is going through this. She has no understanding about these things. She's like a child and I'm really feeling so sorry about her... Cuz I know how confusing, tiring & difficult this is going to be. At the same time I'm finding it hard to handle whenever she's projecting on me. I want to handle things nicely but I'm failing. Nobody in my family has any understanding of mental health issues and how to handle it. I'm trying to hold myself together cuz it's not my fault and I know that I'm trying but I'm really worried about my mom. She'll be going to a professional but idk how it's gonna unfold. Mental health is new to my country and there are still a lot of cultural barriers for my mom and so her journey is going to be even worse. And there's a bitter truth that such dysfunction is normalized here and my parents normalize it too but ig my mom is realizing that it isn't that normal as she's facing the consequences day by day. I just pray for things to get better cuz the truth is I can understand it but can't live with such dysfunction and I don't want to see my family deteriorate, especially my younger brother who's still a teenager. My mom & dad have always questioned my love towards them... I wish someday they really get it that I loved them a lot. I long for a happy & healthy family and I want to see things getting better but it seems like a dream to me. Anyways, all I can do is pray and support where I can and step back when it's needed.