Thanks!

I've been struggling for many years with an Adderall addiction. This particular video rings true for me. I put some sticky notes up around my apartment that say STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF. Thank you for sharing something so insightful that I never before considered.

Literally on my way to treatment rn. Your correct, I felt because of my trauma etc, I should expect sympathy and excuse my behavior. No, it’s my fault, I’m an adult, bottom line, nobody did this but me to me. My family had given me a million passes, they are done and rightfully so. I’m tired of this game, can’t even call this a life. That’s what I had, I did a great job messing it up, let’s see if I can own my crap and put it back together. It’s the least my family deserves and your correct, I’m not adding anything to my family or society rn and for the last few years. I’m just existing and consuming. I’m really hoping I’m deeply tired of this and done. Because, this stopped being fun about a year in. Here goes.

I hope this goes viral! Your online program for families is amazing and has helped me a lot already. Thanks for basing it on the CRAFT model. Keep up the good work

His son died. I have NEVER seen someone who has found the actual right to wreck lives, destroy futures and give ‘em the middle finger. He said nobody understands or cares. I said you’re right. Nobody gives a shit. Meanwhile he’s polluting our lives with pity. I don’t pity him so you can only imagine the hell I’ve been through. Looking for a new home. Say a prayer for me. I’ve had enough

Thank you for this channel. It is helping me deal with a loved one who is addicted to Meth

Sending this to my 25 year old daughter who has been addicted to Meth and Heroin for 6 years. I hope she will watch but I am also paying very close attention so that I can explain this to her when I have the opportunity. It's been a terrifying journey of homelessness, overdoses, prison, psychosis, treatment and relapse after relapse. I am positive that this is at the root of her addiction. Thank you SO much!! I am finding your channel to be a very helpful resource 💕

Wow, this may be the biggest missing piece in my recovery over the last several years. Thank you!

I LOVE this one; so true. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. That works for both sides of the coin, too. Co-dependents or enablers are sad sacks, too. We can all take the cure here.

Going on 2 yrs here from treatment and I still fight it. The anger that I'm this way, that I can't EVER join in again. Comes and goes but yes, overall pitying myself that I can't do what I want to. I think it's ok though every now and then to be angry about being alcoholic. No one said you have to like it......just have to be honest with yourself about it. By the way, I got the answer to the question I had by reading your bio/history. Most of the counselors and doc's I had dealt with were recovering alcoholics as well. For me, as you say, the danger is the pity party that "entitles" me to put me first........not my loved ones or not the me that I like that I've become. good video...........told ya it would be

Hi Amber, thank you for the video. I think that is a good reason to look out for a counselor who is familiar with the Psychology of addiction . My spouse went to a "normal" counselor and she totally supported his victim thinking and feeling sorry for him when in reality he had great, supportive parents and a spouse deeply loving and caring for him. Its so important to go to an addiction counselor!!

You just dropped truth BOMBS!

Amber has been a Godsend in helping me understand why the cycle continues and what I could do about it. This video seems to boil it down to an essential truth. Hats off to you, Amber. You are a light in the storm.

Omg my family has addicts and you are 100% right….they do “feel sorry for themselves”

Thank you for your channel. I am understanding my father, and any other alcoholic I have ever encountered. You explain it better than anyone else.

Bingo!! Thanks Amber!! This hit home...so glad to see that when the person with SUD starts to finally become honest with themselves, they're getting somewhere. It also shows when they grasp the reality and are honest with themselves.

The moral of the story is that wallowing in self--pity is bad for your mental and physical health

Feeling sorry for themselves stops them getting clean.

Man I needed to hear this. (Not a substance addict, but food for feelings😭). Thank you!

That was true for me when i stopped feeling sorry for myself i gave up alcohol

I feel the fundamental thought is this: if others treat me badly, i am entitled to treat them badly as well. So when they feel wronged, they feel they are entitled to hurt them in return. So they misunderstand the basic concept of: how you behave and treat others, despite how they treat you, is responsible of where your life is heading.

Thank you for this its about time someone shed some light on this subject.

By far one of the best videos I’ve watched.

Oh my goodness- I’ve never heard this before! Each time I want to use, I’m thinking, whatever has happened to bother me & “I deserve this”. Thank you 💜

Excellent insight and advice! You manage to drill down to the reality of the situation. Thank you!

😭"it's not a right to get high and cause destruction and pain" ❤️❤️‼️ I love that. Today we believe we are entitled to and have rights to this and that. Indigenous beliefs teach we have responsibilities. To the world. I can't express how much I identify with this. I love the saying at some point you stop being a victim and become a volunteer. Yes we have been wronged in life or harmed but anything you allow will continue 🙌🥴 I'm currently 2months clean and I'm struggling with nightmares flashbacks and drug dreams. I stumbled onto this channel and I'm so grateful. This type of emotional awareness behind behaviors and honest truths are very helpful. Especially that I'm able to listen to it privately. I plan to discuss these things with my casac. 🙏😘

I was thinking that drug and alcohol addiction was a disease.I wish it was that easy for a lot of us :(

My adult addict son is forever feeling sorry for himself. Everyone and everything is to blame for his predicament. Society, capitalism, weird conspiracy theories, his parents, whatever is handy. He came home a couple of weeks ago, pleading, contrite, saying he was ready for rehab. He gave us the keys to his car, his phone, we are tapering him down from kratom, and it's been sheer hell. We now want him to go to a rehab facility that can deal with him, but he is fighting us tooth and nail. We don't know what to do. I can't believe we fell for it again. Most of all, I can't imagine he'll ever get better if he doesn't take any responsibility.

Really appreciate the content, this is painfully accurate. My primary excuse is covering up rlly bad mental struggles, only to avoid the fact it's a temporary solution while getting worse over time

Mrs. Amber 😮 you nailed it. I even went and got a mirror and said it to myself “STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF! 😮 I have 72 days sober 🎊 I FEEL PROUD OF MY SELF 👏🏼. Sending love 💕

OMG I heard all of those things every time!!! Amazing video and very informative as always xx

MORE AMBER GOLD! The BEST video on this channel to START your journey to BEING HAPPY!!

Great, great and truthful video! A strong dose of reality is good from time to time.

Thank you for this video! 🙏

Excellent advice. I have 2 adult addicted sons, 49 y/o ( Benzodiazepines), 42 y/o Marijuana/Alcohol. Been through years of therapy. I’ve heard this all.

Brilliant - wish I could get my husband to listen to this. Thank you ❤️

one last comment, from what I see in my lineage, the addicted person is usually reflecting a pattern in the family only they're taking it to an extreme disease level. and they may not be the only one in the line to have done that. so we all need to see where the self-pity starts and stop the buck with us. when we change, they have the opportunity to change as well.

🙋To learn more about the relapse cycle, watch this next: 👉kzfaq.info?list...

Your channel is great, subbed

Mrs.Amber you are absolutely awesome. I love your videos and you. I appreciate you for everything you do. You helped me out so much and still is continuing to help everyday. I have all your videos on the bell notification reminder. Oh yea, by the way your voice is so soothing and also you are absolutely beautiful Mrs.Amber. Once again, THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING! 🧡

Beautiful. Thank you.

I have said this in Alanon and really connected with a few people but really pissed off others, especially the double-dippers (AA & Alanon participants). Addiction is a disease, the addict is not a victim of Addiction, they are a casualty of Addiction. Their friends, family and coworkers are the victims.

Love this! Thank you!

See the song "Poor Twisted Me" (Metallica)

Excellent video Amber...I so agree...the dry alcoholic no self help..the Woe is Me Syndrome..PAWS so true..Pity Party that Never Ends! Truth! "Honesty" of self past present and plan for the future with a constant Honest follow through! Thanks for the confirm..you are Awesome!👍👍💖

Wow, heard amazing things today, awesome. loved the video

You are amazing. Thank you so much! ❤️

I love this !!! Truth !!!

Marvellous! Your videos are so helpful Amber. My wife has been addicted since she was five 😥

this is gold !!!! ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

I wanna beat this addiction for my son.. He needs his fathe.

Love her channel!

Great video. Your channel has been a great resource for me as I live in Colombia and there are no NA groups or English speaking drug councilors near me

I feel bad for not seeing my sister in hospital detoxing she said our mum did not care about her I told her we all would be their when she came round we always were I told her it was hard for our mum seeing her do that to herself I feel bad for seeing that as she passed away five weeks later she said my mum was all our brother and getting on at her all the time I feel so bad we couldn’t save her.

Amen sister!

I lost hope at this point :( I no longer want to be with this guy. He consumed all my energy. My life has become all about his excessive drinking. He took a really long break and started drinking again. I am tired of going thru these cycles. Worst part is he gets drunk at festivals. He tells me he won't and he does it again. When I ask him "Did this occur to you that we got in many fights before and I broke up with you before because you drink in festivals where I cannot watch the show because I am too busy babysitting you?" He said he did not even think about me for a split second while starting to drink. I just cannot believe it. He claims he is getting better but still drinks really excessively. Worst part is he left me at the festival to get a beer and I got physically abused by a guy & got touched. This guy "my bf" is only dragging me down. I am a full time engineer with a high paying job. I am beautiful. I am smart. I am a comedian I do comedy. This is just so weird that I believed his lies and moved in with him. My work is going to shit because of him. He gets fucked up and does not let me sleep at night because he sleeps so weird when drunk and I wake up and it causes me to not be able to function at work. I am staying at an airbnb right now just to be able to function at work sleep well & not be angry and stressed about his drinking. I am so beyond frustrated. He blames me ! Can you believe this? He blames me that I stay at an airbnb to get some space &sleep. He thought I was cheating &wanting to punish him. This guy has a clear problem and it is beyond me at this point. Even the love she shows me it feels like I am weed or alcohol and not a person. He is addicted to me because I am funny & sexy a good distraction from the world. He says he won't drink again but it is all a lie I don't believe anything he says anymore. I am just sad that I built this life my engineering career, my home, my cat and it is all going down because of him. I don't know how this guy functions at all at work (which is part time job).. On top of everything he smokes weed everyday. This guy is high every work week (replaced alcohol with weed) and drunk on the weekends since the beginning of May 2022 (when he started drinking again) His drinking is destroying my life. I am so stressed out all the time. I cannot think about anything else but this. He claims he will change and get better non-stop and never seem to get better. He says he is making progress. Dude he was the most drunk trashy looking person at that festival. nobody looked nearly as drunk. I think he is lying to himself and he believes all his own lies. My friends keep telling me he is too trashy for me. I do think that he does not look next to a serious engineer & manager woman like me. I need someone like me tbh. I don't think he is dependable after the abuse that happened to me either because if I got raped and killed he would not be able to do anything. I cannot trust going places with him anymore. To be honest he would probably get raped first lmfao. I developed acne that I did not have since high school probably. I am 27. My heart my brain my feelings tell me it is time to go. I am so exhausted from fighting to help him. This guy basically has a mental disorder and not getting better any time soon. I am looking for ways to run away. Thankfully we have two bedrooms so I can take the other bedroom for now and stay away from him. I am only focused on running away. My weekends are hell. He does not let me rest on the weekends or have fun for that matter so I start my work weeks really exhausted. His drinking is the only bad thing about this relationship but I am so done :(

nothing beats addiction until you have realized everything is given up, i feel

Hi Amber, I 100% agree with the power of eliminating the victim mentality and feelings sorry for yourself. I'll be sober 6 years in December 30th. One obstacle that was mandatory for me to overcome was P. A. W. S. Post acute withdrawal symptoms.. I could not learn to stop relapsing until I learned how P. A. W. S. Worked and caused me to relapse. P. A. W. S. = 'The Fuck-its" that I needed to save myself from. I experienced the "Fuck-its / P. A. W. S. For about 18 months. My plan and strategy what's the call and get together with one of my relapse prevention team members as soon as I got the overwhelming urge/ obsession to use = P. A. W. S. P. A. W. S. For me it's like a sober blackout - You're sober You're about to relapse You know you shouldn't relapse but your addiction is active - your addiction is activated You have the "the fuck it's" and your addiction almost always wins. Essentially what happens P. A. W. S. Is I lose my ability to make the right decision to make the good decision. Thank you for addressing this topic stopping the victim mentality and feeling sorry for ourselves because this is a crucial part of our recovery. I used to possess and hold on to the victim and utility and feeling sorry for myself but no more.

Pick up as much responsibility as you can bear and carry it forward and always always be honest.

Him: “I’ve been drinking since you met me why you mad now?”

Denial should be changed with honesty..We seek wisdom in life and in recovery, And like DALAI LHAMA SAID.. THE FIRST CHAPTER OF WISDOM IS HONESTY. And it is..

Loving the Southern accent!

Wow, getting wasted, making bad decisions and hurting everyone around you is not a right. Say that, Amber.

Do have any suggestions fir dealing with an addict who is also on the Autism Spectrum or ADHD? I feel like this advice of working on changing negative self talk, and being the victim works for a lot of people. But would having a condition where executive function is already altered naturally change the approach?

You re great !!!! Have you done any videos on eating disorders ? Something very dear to my heart and just as dangerous

Tell em like it is Amber! I think feeling sorry for yourself, and not taking responsibility for your actions, has now really become a UK Societal problem in many ways. Never mind addiction. Lots of left wing and liberal political manipulation behind this for many years, to win votes Seeing everyday examples of this poor behaviour re drugs and alcohol which go largely unchecked and accepted, doesn't help the Addict either. I don't know what the answer is Amber, but l take a lot of good, positive things from your advice in your videos in supporting a loved one. Thank You

Hey Amber - I'm a mama that's loving your videos! Wondering what I'm doing wrong -- when I watched this new one today I knew I wanted to recommend it to my adult child... but at the end you say "watch this next", but the next thing that comes up is about parenting adult addicts (the most recent in date order?) Am I missing something??

What about “I take prescriptions because I can’t function with extreme back pain without them”. The thing is that my daughter didn’t have the back pain when she started them, yet she justifies taking them because she feels the pain when she runs out. She started with OxyCodone and 6; years later added Valium for anxiety, Wellbutrin for depression, Topirimate for migranes, marijuana and Methadone to top the oxy. I wish she would watch this video.

The guy I've been dealing with has not so much a victimhood way of thinking anymore and he does recognize that he's to blame for his addiction but he doesn't see it as being a really big problem because (once again) he's been able to not lose his place, got a car again (thru borrowing money from his enabling mom, she thinks he's ok as long as he's working, that he doesn't use.) and really, most of the time, the biggest thing being affected is his relationships with women, including me. Because meth addicts can't love like a normal person this is especially difficult and he refuses to see or care about being in a full and complete relationship...and unfortunately, that's what I want...have for over 6.5yrs (I left many times and over the last 2 yrs) but I just couldn't move on. Even when I'm not talking to him I'm hoping and waiting for him to contact me and tell me he's clean and wanting to try. I have never met anyone else over these years, I've tried but nothing clicks with anyone (plus with covid happening, hasn't helped) and we have this amazing connection excluding these issues, which are the main causes of our problems...I honestly don't know what to do other than learn all I can about addiction, hold my boundaries and continue to just be his friend along with just being patient, I know it's a journey for them and it's a tough one. We both have suffered with depression so I understand a lot of what he goes thru. He may be an addict but he's also very kind, smart, funny and helpful, supports my goals in life and has his own to some degree...it's why it's tough. I feel like I might end up waiting forever unless I meet someone else. Thank you for all your advice!

The cycle of alcoholism for instance works a little differently, what about urges and cravings? binge drinking to celebrate is different than self loathing. What about addicts that use because they like the intensity? They love that crazy party lifestyle- I've yet to hear this type rationalize with "I've been so poor my entire life," because that goes against being tough and invulnerable. DBT teaches clear mind, addicted mind and clean mind.

I agree with all you've been saying, but let's not forget that a lot of the "victim" perspective is, in fact, justified by legitimate victims of crime and abuse. The justifications in your video all fall under a category of "excuses." I do agree, that most people I know who struggle, do justify their abuse through the victimization lens. It's just important to remember that oftentimes it's never as trivial as "oh I just want to be social." Rape, violence, child abuse, partner abuse, these are the things that do make some victim. And it makes people drink. And these are a far cry from "well, I just want to feel social." It's just more complicated than that.

What tools are you using to edit your videos? They look amazing.

Mental Health..

3 weeks , I really wanna do it but ......😃

How can one overcome guilt and ask for forgiveness when the person or people who are needed are dead? Such as parents who have died before recovery attempts.

The root exposed. So true

In the end drugs just aren't really worth the high or the misery they always seem to cause.

Hey Amber, when our loved one is saying all these things to justify their use, should we just listen and be empathetic, or is there a response that you could suggest to help them see what they are doing?

Do you have any videos about higher power?

Luv ya accent

I feel a bit conflicted about this video, because while I do agree with the overall conclusion, it does also feel a bit invalidating. Like I 100% agree that past victimization shouldn't be used as an excuse to justify continued bad decisions/behaviour. I get that this is a single youtube video meant to be broadcast to a wide audience and most likely not how you address your individual clients, but at the same time, the way this specific video comes across to me at least, leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Like I don't think looking at someone who turned to substance use to cope with emotions after being victimized in their past and replying with "you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself" is the best way to go from there. This is probably just a side effect of the nature of providing general advice, because the situation in question actually matters. I overall agree with the advice to "be honest with yourself about the situation" because there are always more sides to a story, but at the same time it kind of feels like it's minimizing the harm that actually came from being victimized in the first place.

Can someone help me why is it important to maintain your abstinence

Please help me..I keep relapsing with weekend binges on coke and booze..I may quit for 1 or 2 weeks maybe even a month..Then I relapse , I forget how bad the last binge was , I go to the bar on Fri afternoon after work with the guys for a few beers and then 8 times out of ten it turns into a big session that can roll on into 2 days etc..I'm 50 at the end of the month , and yes work isn't going well at the mo, and I have stress with money etc and my relationship but really this is all just an excuse, at the end of the binge I'm literally laying in bed for a day or two beating myself up and watching pork etc , after wasting loads of money..I've been to meetings etc..But never seem to stick to it as my mind keeps forgetting how bad it was...:-/

One thing I didn’t hear her mention. What if your whole family is addicts n you don’t have any support from anyone for motivation or a safe n clean place to be when trying to continue recovery. I’m asking bc I’m an addict I’ve been clean for 2 years now but have a friend who is an addict also and has no one. I feel it is unhealthy for me to be around her but I would love to see her get well. N I don’t know how to help her.

What about i have absolutely no family or friends, i am completely alone and have been for years +social anxiety disorder.please don't ask me to join aa i went for 8 years and I hate it

Stay clean 💖😁💖💗🇺🇸☮️😊🙏⭐🐬

Hey I’m trying to kick suboxone.can’t seem to get away from it the aches and pains are redicolus.I went from 24 mg to 2mg a day but can’t kick the he 2 mg:(

What if your trying and doing with out but your sanifacant other dont care about you trying and getting help if you cant change in ome day then she dont want me no more

❤❤

What do I do if someone tempts or offers me pain pills?

What you're saying may be true but how would you say it without the addicted person telling you where to go?

Isn't that just like the devil!!!!

what about using because someone they love died or because of a neurological dysfunction.

It wouldn't matter to you people one bit.

Says the food addict.

Holy cow this is pathetic. I wonder how many people won't get the help they need, or will be stuck for years because they think that feeling sorry for themselves is the root cause of their addiction? If I had heard this advice when I got sober in 2004, I'd still be drinking today.