Confronting Your Spouse's Sexual Past | The Naked Marriage Podcast | Dave and Ashley Willis
Рет қаралды 20,844
2 жыл бұрынWhen your own sexual past or your spouse's past sexual experiences is creating baggage or insecurity in the marriage, it can be an intimate and frustrating dynamic. Dave and Ashley discuss this delicate topic with grace and practical tips.
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@omegasquadlder Жыл бұрын
Jason Evert has a great quote that kind of summarizes how you treat this topic. As a person with a sexually active past, you have to recognize that in some way, you did, in fact, betray your future spouse by giving yourself away. It is your job to recognize that this may cause some emotional trauma to your future partner, especially if they waited to give themselves to you. As a partner without a past, you have to recognize that you must meet your partner with compassion and understanding. They too, may carry trauma from their past, and there is a chance they regret what they did. Only from a mutual understanding of how the other person feels can you truly work with each other to get through this. If one partner fails to understand the other or fails to communicate this, it probably will only continue to burden the relationship in the future.
@Billy-bc8pk 6 ай бұрын
I think you have one thing completely correct: if someone saved themselves and the other didn't, then yes, the future marriage has already been betrayed, and that's where retroactive jealousy comes into play, and the reality is that that jealousy will never go away because ultimately you will have to lie to yourself and suppress those feelings to cope with the relationship.
@JMLUSA1 2 жыл бұрын
THANK YOU SO MUCH Y'all! I have been following this channel for a little while. Being recently (a year and a half) Remarried at 55 I have a VERY Sorted Past And You have helped me first, and sharing what I'm learning with my New Bride, keep that PAST in the past as well as in perspective, and your conversations are enlightening and Encouraging as Well as Empowering! Thank You!
@bradwilliams4921 2 жыл бұрын
It sounds like open, honest communication is necessary for a successful marriage.
@jessyjonas4988 2 жыл бұрын
Marriage is training as you go Not possible to prepare for the unknown Only by the grace of God Thanks Dave and Ashley Great content
@valindacrosby4716 2 жыл бұрын
Thank you guys so much for sharing it shine a light on some of the things that we need to talk about in our marriage ministry 🙏🏽❤️
@thewatcher4552 2 жыл бұрын
You guys are so Real thanks for that!! It's real out here!! We need it! ❤💯
@vibz4021 3 ай бұрын
Please continue your podcast for years to come. I love the way you guys handle all marriage topics. Others on this channel have not spoken Like you two. Thank you Jesus for sending you both into my life to answer all these questions I have had for a long time.
@carlreed7773 10 ай бұрын
@daveandashleywillis thank you for the openness you guys share on every podcast. Thanks in advance for praying for me and my wife Monica
@robertballard4611 Жыл бұрын
I'm struggling with the past of my wife. She cheated on me several times before we were married, we were dating, she lived with me.. I feel terrible because she has changed and I believe she would never do that again. But I still have the feeling and I don't think I'm wrong for having the feeling
@thecrusadingcasual3497 11 ай бұрын
Don't be stupid, don't give her a second chance and move on, the are like a trillion of more women that can treat you better. Don't be a sucker
@Billy-bc8pk 6 ай бұрын
Dude, she probably already cheated on you if you're having those feelings. It's your intuition warning you that it either has already happened or is happening right now. Literally, 100% of the time (not even exaggerating) every guy who gets the feeling you have has found out that his SO has cheated on him. These stories are all over marriage forums and Reddit relationship advice threads.
@joel4960 3 ай бұрын
Why were you living together before you were married? What did you expect?
@howard4405 2 жыл бұрын
For me, a child sexual abuse survivor, it's not the sin of my spouse's sexual past that cripples me, it's the act of it. Its sex itself. Knowing my spouse could do and did those things freely with someone else.. When sexual trauma in your past makes sex feel like a dirty, bad thing, its hard to get past the things they did with others before our marriage. And the images of my spouse doing those acts keep popping up and cripples my ability to be normal. When at a subconscious core level sex is a dirty bad thing, it's hard to feel right about it. Even though I have normal needs like my spouse does.. Any thoughts? Thanks for the podcast.
@Billy-bc8pk 6 ай бұрын
I know this old and a necro for this comment (and likely no longer relevant) but this is an issue that is unresolved with your spouse. Not just that it's unresolved, but it's your subconscious telling you that there is a part of your spouse's past that is preventing you from connecting in your present, and that they still have feelings, actions, tendencies, or possible attractions that you are uncomfortable with, and this is something you need to address with your spouse, especially if those actions/feelings/attractions/etc., are things they have not let go of, or if they have no shame, guilt, or regret over it in terms of what they think about it. I think your intuition could be telling you that they have not completely let go of those things or may still long for them, and you're being warned about it beforehand (or maybe now that it's two years later, after the fact).
@heathera2874 2 жыл бұрын
I do not feel a spouse needs to disclose specific details of their past sexual experiences, unless there is a concrete health issue. Specific information can only become a vehicle for jealousy, fear and judgement. First: Free and forgiven through Christ. If the other spouse does not truly understand the process of becoming a new creation in Christ, then I have to question if they are indeed equally yoked in the first place! Just because both may claim to be Believers, they may be completely on opposite ends of the life experience and maturity spectrum. Second: What if a spouses sexual past is related to trauma and an unhealthy upbringing? Continually having to rehash the past could be re-traumatizing and create resentment for having to "remember" the past. This is a topic that absolutely NEEDS to be addressed BEFORE marriage. Waaaaay before marriage. This would allow any potentially chronic issues to surface. It could be a deal breaker. The Church needs to talk about Sex and the consequences of sexually immorality more often. Sexual immorality is the biggest disease/sin of humanity.
@cks5631 2 жыл бұрын
I agreed that the church needs to talk about sex. But many people married before one or both were not believers. That is a process for both and as they grow, they may not have the same level of spiritual maturity. That would not make them unequally yoked and even if they are and are believers that is not a reason for divorce. I feel as you grow as a couple there comes a time that for complete intimacy secrets are not a good thing. The enemy will use it. I am in no way trying to be argumentative. Just my thoughts. Blessings
@ChurchofCaboose 2 жыл бұрын
How do you define sexual immorality?
@heathera2874 2 жыл бұрын
Preaching to the choir Friend. I am not addressing married folks, per say. I am primarily warning the unmarried born again believer whom are waiting on their Godly spouse and wading through the potentials. Even then, I stated in particular the words "specific details". Major points of sexuality may be required and healthy for each person involved (I.e.sexual assault survivor, prior sex worker, any STD's). However details like who, how many, and specific details of sexual experience are NOT necessary. In fact if someone is requiring this information it should be a HUGE red flag pointing to their psychological insecurities and emotional immaturity [[in themselves and in the Lord whom "saved" them.]] Be honest ALWAYS; But one does not have to discuss the details of a prior sexual history. Only the seriously immature and inexperienced with the Realities of life would demand a sexual history. Especially if it was decades or more gone that information serves NOONE. Leave it in the past. That was between you and God the day you gave your life to Him. Sexuality should always be talked about prior to engagement. Again, this greatly depends on the emotional maturity of each person to do so.
@ChurchofCaboose 2 жыл бұрын
@@heathera2874 ohhhh gotcha. Makes sense.
@heathera2874 2 жыл бұрын
@@ChurchofCaboose Any activity that stirs the sexual fire within. This is where one has to be brutally honest with themselves. I call activity that stirs the sexual fire, "Gateway sexual Sin". Some wait for kissing until marriage. Some holding hands and sitting side by side in public is enough before marriage. When you know, you know. Know each others limit. Stick with the strictest boundaries between the two and pray on it.
@jensbornagain 26 күн бұрын
How do you deal with this 1 week before marriage and through a 30 yr marriage. ?
@rivansubars 2 жыл бұрын
I don't know how to even go through or accept this.i feel suicidal i married a divorcee n I believed she is the love of my life and she lied to me that she was forced to have sex with her ex husband and he got her pregnant she was forced to marry him due to that and he was with her as he wanted to gain citizenship and that after that she never had sex with him again as she hated him but she had to go for staycations and dates to make her marriage work due to her our stepdaughter but never found him attractive or loved him ever but it was an idea that she was in love but that she was stupid until she had the courage to get a divorce due to his emotional abuse and mental abuse n torture after being married for 4 years.Then she met me me and told me she never felt what true love was and the chemistry we had was something she never had with her ex.We dated and that was what I was told and we fell in love and got married and i love her and i found out through coincidence past texts and she did have sex more then that and when i confronted her she became defensive and she then said she had sex with him a whole lot more and their texts to each other were lovey dovey n that she even said I love you to him and she did all that due to stupidity n lack of courage thinking it will make her marriage work n that it was only always one position done with a condom.he never saw her naked or either of them did nothing else in bed and now that the truth is out,She admitted the having sex part but he wld put a condom on,No foreplay,just his bottoms off n her panties on he would just stick it in n only one position til he climaxed in her.she never enjoyed it.Now we are married and my heart is broken and i can't trust her as i had to ask difficult qns and she sticks to the one position n no foreplay n nothing else.But the texts msges shows she did care about him n love him n the fact that she gave him sex to try to make it work.And those contradicts what the texts msges said.No sexting but still lovey dovey msges.And when i asked further she said she cant remember due to the trauma of the divorce due to her parents emotional torture due to their disapproval and the trauma during marriage.Yes he was emotionally n mentally abusive and she also has hyperthyroid which also has an effect on memory n causes depression.I just cannot believe her story and I love her n I want to make this marriage work but i found out only before Christmas.I have so much pain,anger,hurt and feel so betrayed n i did take my anger out on her,I cried and prayed but i cant believe her story n questioning her more i will receive the same answer and she feels hurt n ashamed of keeping the sex part from me and she wants to be forgiven but i tried and I can't.Reached a point where I am spiralling down with my emotions n my thoughts going crazy.I do not know what to do anymore.I love her and my stepdaughter to bits n i dun want to divorce her even though I know she would have never told me if i did not find out on my own and this is after being with her for 4 years,married for 1 year 2 months. She was also getting sexual assaulted not penetration but as young as 10 her older brother would try humping her and he even tried molesting n raping her several times til she was 18 n he stopped.Her family knows about it now and she did try to tell her uncle but he almost beat her up for bringing the family honor n pride down so she kept all of this within her til she met me and we both were Christians and we spoke about God and it was our sharings that she eventually told me after we got married.And when I confronted her family,they got angry and put the blame on her n protected the predator instead and she forgave her brother since she had the strength to fight off n he never raped her n through the strength and grace of God that she does not want to make reports as there was no penetration n rape n she is afraid that since its been more then 10 years ago the cops wun do anything with no evidence as her own parents are protecting the son due to family honor n pride. I feel so lost,so emotional as the thought of how they protected their son made me angry and I'm even more protective of her and my stepdaughter now.I feel like my marriage is going to end due to all my feelings and I need advises and prayers please.I do not want to lose my wife yet i can't forgive her.I sound 8 a diliusional guy.Please help me.God have mercy on me.I am a sinner who is weak and I'm ashamed of myself
@Billy-bc8pk 6 ай бұрын
I'm sorry but she lied to you because she wants you there for security reasons. She doesn't actually love you and the reason you can't (and shouldn't) even consider forgiveness is because she lied. Your intuition led you to the text messages and it doesn't sound like she's over her ex. Also, if she lied to you about her past, she will lie to you about the present; she could be cheating on you right now. If she lied about the text messages, why wouldn't she lie about anything else? Keep in mind that your intuition is telling you that she isn't being honest, and her actions bear that out. You need to take heed of your intuition.
@nathaniel.04 4 ай бұрын
Well... it's been 2 years. Please give us an update @rivansubars. Has this issue/problem been solved on your end?
@ChurchofCaboose 2 жыл бұрын
So I'd love to hear thoughts on how someone who's divorced goes about talking about sex with a future partner who's a virgin. The one who's divorced reasonably knows what they like and want, where as the one who's a virgin understandably would have little or no idea
@heathera2874 2 жыл бұрын
Future partner? What about future WIFE? Reading between the lines it appears you are a divorced man seeking a sexual relationship with a virgin, without a marriage covenant in place. God designed sexual intimacy for the married only. Humanity is steeped in sexual sin and Jesus is the ONLY way out. It sounds like you really need to check your motives and get right with God. He doesn't tolerate those who use and abuse His children.
@Someone-iu1nc Жыл бұрын
@@heathera2874 you misunderstood his point. He said he wants to have the conversation with a future wife. Don't you think these conversations are important before marriage.. So that when you're married you're on the same page on everything?
@cynthiawlaughlin5435 2 жыл бұрын
If you ask God to remove all memories of past sexual experiences He will. My husband passed away and I prayed that and I have no recollection of anything he did and not even what he looked like in his private area, He was addicted to porn badly and I do mean bad so I was freed from memories of his sexual parts nd everything sexual completely. No, I did not get into porn so I was never tempted and refused that sin but he did hurt me terribly by what he did.
@billgreene3410 2 жыл бұрын
Be ruthless in how you vett a woman, or a man about their sexual past and past in general prior to you marrying them. Decide what your standards are ahead of time. If their notch count makes you uncomfortable, then don't allow the relationship to go forward. You may be called judgmental. its ok. My advice to younger guys is this, choose a woman that has self-respect and has always carried herself that way. Generally, this kind of mentally healthy person will not have indulged in promiscuous behavior.
@heathera2874 2 жыл бұрын
Do you understand who Jesus is and who He died for?
@billgreene3410 2 жыл бұрын
Of course I understand who Jesus is and who he died for. I also understand grace. I also understand compassion. All I am saying is that its ok for a man to not want to enter a marriage with a woman who has had a crazy past. Think of Joseph, when he found out Mary was pregnant. What did he plan to do...at first? You don't have to punish or shame people for their past.
@heathera2874 2 жыл бұрын
@@billgreene3410 Of course a man or woman has the right to choose whom or whom not to marry. That is a mute point. I pose those questions because Jesus offers All of us healing and restoration through His Grace. The insinuation you make that (1) A woman whom has "always" been sexually pure is more valuable or worthy for marriage than say a woman whom has had a more promiscuous past is a grossly misguided statement that judges a persons value versus their behaviour. Also, a sexually pure woman does not always mean she has a correct heart posture with God. She may be steeped in sin elsewhere, like gossip or materialism or jealousy. She may have had a poor bonding with either parent that produces unhealthy attachment to the idol of marriage. We ALL are born sinners. (2) Your statement points to another gross judgement, in that women whom have been promiscuous in their past, [yet perhaps Free and Forgiven in Christ] are mentally unhealthy. Yes. This can be true and it can also be untrue. And Yes Jesus can fully restore her. He can even give her 10 times the Blessings of that in which the devil stole; inclusive of the wisdom gained in her life experiences that can in turn help others see more clearly. The reason God gave us Christ is BECAUSE we are ALL prone to sin. You or anyone else can be sexually pure and be entirely mentally unhealthy. You or anyone else could have a past of promiscuity and be mentally stable IF you have Chosen Jesus as your Saviour and have made Him Lord of your Life. It is HOW one accepts the Grace given to them by God that determines to the extent that healing and restoration occurs within a persons mind, heart and Spirit. Jesus loves a sexually pure human as much as he loves a sexually impure human. Jesus died ONCE and for ALL. I am certain He would not label one of His children mentally unhealthy and unfit for marriage...Read Song of Solomon. He embraces her as she exited the wilderness... Lastly, Joseph chose to honor Mary and stay by her side. Read Hosea. A book of redeeming love. A Love that mirrored Christ's Love for His Bride, the Church. A Love and Grace given to All. Many of us whom have walked a path of brokenness and darkness, be it at the hands of others as children or of our own ignorant choices as adults can become the brightest beacons of Light through which God's Grace shines. Be wary of making such bold statements as always or never and allowing the world to dictate judgements of value versus judgements of behavior. To judge a persons value is a sin in and of itself. Suggested reading: John 8:1-11, the book of Hosea, the book of Song of Solomon. Listen to Joyce Meyer and/or Pastor Sy Rogers testimonies about redemption through Jesus.
@billgreene3410 2 жыл бұрын
@@heathera2874 ... Joseph stayed with Mary because the angel intervened in his dream and showed him the truth of the situation and told him what to do. "Don't be afraid to take her as your wife because the baby that's been conceived was put there by the Holy Spirit." Hosea was commanded by God to take a harlot as a wife, but if not for that, I seriously doubt he would have done that of his own will. And yes, I agree that Jesus can save a person and set them free from the guilt of past sin, but most times he doesn't free you from the consequences. You still have to deal with those, albeit with God's help. And yes, God loves everyone, good bad etc. Yes, I do believe that promiscuity is the result of mental, emotional, and spiritual instability and produces greater amounts of the same. Doesn't bar one from marriage, but doesn't qualify them for it either. Bottom line is, if a Christian man or non-Christian man has standards for his future bride, there is nothing at all wrong with that. So, I would advise against looking for dates at an outreach church🙂
@missNCW 2 жыл бұрын
Of course you judge women and then throw in the 'or man' even though what you're really doing is judging women. Funny thing is I agree with you except unlike you I actually believe that it applies to men as well. You clearly are giving advice to men. Because men are the ones who wait until marriage more. Oh wait, they don't. That's women. Men are far, far, far, far more promiscuous than women. Over 90% of those who watch pornography are men. But no, slut shame women. 😒 It's really pathetic that men can sleep with multiple women then have the audacity to hold women to a standard they don't even *try* to reach. Give advice to men instead, since there's so few of them who bother to wait until marriage but yet there's women growing old, single, because they wait until marriage. And because men are so shallow and overlook women who aren’t born attractive. But then lecture women on overlooking looks. Women aren't the problem here. Men need to practice what they preach.
@bc2109 4 ай бұрын
Love the conversation and topic. Could do with a little bit less of the overly sweet compliments from the gentleman (he lady looks a bit embarrassed by it) but aside from that great video.
@De-tw7by Жыл бұрын
No marriage no cheating...what a simple life for men....
@joel4960 Ай бұрын
Have you ever known anyone who regretted saving sex for marriage?
@ChurchofCaboose 2 жыл бұрын
In regards to past partners or porn, what things are being done that would make someone assume they can't do it? I'm sure this is an unpopular opinion, but porn folks are people too. They're not doing anything that another person can't do. So someone who's been divorced or has had experience can also be a blessing. They can be a better lover because they know what they want and what their partner might want. Maybe the conversation shouldn't be as much about fear of being compared but more about what their partner likes so that they can be on the same page sexually. Right? Like why does it have to be a contest in our heads about past lovers? Why can't we try to view things as what can I do instead of what can't I do
@heathera2874 2 жыл бұрын
Are you saved? Is Jesus your Saviour and Lord? Your questions point to an obsession with sexual performance. Sexual preferences are worked through after the marriage covenant us in place. Thus process is a vital part of the bonding process between a husband and wife that God designed. Preoccupation with your own or another's fears over sexual "performance" between two courting Believers BEFORE marriage points to a questionable motive going into dating or courtship. If someone is focused on sex or the physical attraction, the relationship is built on shaky ground. Check in with Jesus and ask Him for guidance in revealing any hidden motives you may have when seeking companionship with a woman.
@missNCW 2 жыл бұрын
So basically you want a virgin, but she's not 'supposed' to feel insecure because you're going to use your past experience, meaning you ARE going to think about other women, to 'please' her aka 'impress' her. Because you have decided that's a good thing. And in your thought process did it occur to you that women don't, and dont have to, think this way. You shouldn't bee thinking of former lovers so why would you use the same sexual techniques. That's disgusting. By that argument would you marry a pornstar? Probably not. Because you think your experience is postive, but hers is negative. Also, I noticed you referred to things people can't do that pornstars can in the beginning of your comment. So basically, are you saying you want a virgin who can do what a pornstar does. You want the virgin experience but you also want the porn experience. You can't have it all. There's nothing ao special about you that means you deserve a virgin, aka a younger woman, who should everything you want sexually. Meanwhile, you can't even offer her the comfort of a limited sexual experience to avoid pain for her due to your experience, so you're going to consciously think about other women and that's 'supposed' to be a good thing? No it's not. Point out one solitary place in the Bible whete it says experience is good. It doesn't. Because it's not. Divorce is bad. And sexual immorality is bad. There are no positives, you are simply defiling the marriage bed. And you are committing adultery in your mind by thinking of these past experiences and trying to make them sound like a good thing. 'Woe unto those who call good evil, and evil good'
@missNCW 2 жыл бұрын
And to answer your question, it's not about it being a contest, but it more importantly it's CERTAINLY not about it being what you 'can' do. Women do not care about what you CAN do. That's not a good thing. It sounds like you're thinking of a woman like a machine or something that responds in a certain way if you do certain things, but these THINGS are things you have done with other women. So you're just reinacting what you have done and seeing if it works. That is not romantic or loving. You're saying you don't understand why it's about comparing past lovers but yet you're the one who's bringing past lovers into it. You're not treating the person who would be your wife, like an individual. You're treating her like another woman and essentially sayig "my ex liked this so let's see if you like it, my other ex liked this so let's see if you react the same way'. You don't want your wife to see it as a comparison but yet you're inviting those previous experiences into it. You expect her to be grateful for that. Instead of saying those experiences are irrelevant and that what you share is sacred and uniqur and special, you're actually saying let's incorporate those experiences into our marriage but my wife should see it the way I want her to, and not the way she biologically does. Jealousy is natural. Your wife is an individual. She is a different person to your ex. Why on earth would she want you to use the same moves and see if she likes it like your ex did. Even in doing that you are literally comparing her to her because you are deliberately reenacting that experience with the hope that it has the same positive effect. Is that supposed to be a nice thing for your wife? It's not. That's why there should be no sexual past. And if there is, it should be invited into the marriage bed. By doing the same things you are giving a place in your marriage to those experiences and they HAVE NO PLACE.
@ChurchofCaboose 2 жыл бұрын
@@missNCW I honestly do not care if she's a virgin. It's possible she could be. What I hear most people in this is saying "hey, now that you know what you like due to not being a virgin, don't express what you want because that's mean and rude." I feel sorry for y'all. Especially you Jenny. You sound bitter and are jumping to all sorts of conclusions from an honest question. Basically, I was wondering how someone who's been married should go about telling his future wife what he wants because he knows what he likes. Instead of just keeping his trap shut and perhaps being sexually unsatisfied for their marriage.
@heathera2874 2 жыл бұрын
@@ChurchofCaboose If in your heart you intend marriage and intend purity till marriage then these kinds of conversations should not need to happen until after the marriage. It is then that it is appropriately addressed, it can be a beautiful part of the unfolding of your relationship. If you still struggle with porn, there are so many mens church groups to help with an addiction to it. Porn creates unrealistic expectations, often by men, for performance based sexuality rather than a binding, bonding and sanctifying sexuality. Really bring it to the Lord and ask Him to guide your next steps. :)
@tune_builder_9655 2 жыл бұрын
Talk about ALL of it before you marry. How irresponsible is it to not vet your future spouse in this area. You talk about finances, goals, children, etc. but then ignore sexual past? Makes NO sense. Hard to feel sorry for the husband in this story who is now struggling with his wife's past. He was foolish to marry her before dealing with it.
@heartbeat6983 Жыл бұрын
He was. It can't deal with that, so make them know straight up.
@ginchadope2171 Жыл бұрын
Exactly. If Finance were a metaphor, it is like getting married, and then you SO saying, “oh shoot, I forgot to tell you about my student loan…” Its important to be honest and disclose as much detail about ‘intent’ not scene-for-scene about past relationships or it can put a huge dent in the relationship. As for Porn, there really ought to be a study between the relationship between marital-sexual satisfaction and the use of porn. I think all to often porn can be a outlet due to the lack of sexual intimacy with one another. I would argue, if the person fulfills your needs in that area you would watch less of it.
@hubb1115 2 жыл бұрын
Are you two filled with the Holy Spirit, with the evidence in speaking in other tongues (aka baptized in the Holy Spirit)? Please let us know!
@peter2633 8 ай бұрын
A husband can’t have sexual intimacy with his wife if she has already had sex with other men. “It’s just common sense.” This has nothing to do with forgiveness.
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