How Abandonment Wounds Trick You Into Staying With People Who Mistreat You

Рет қаралды 45,034

Күн бұрын

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If you grew up emotionally neglected, you may have learned to ignore and override clear information that someone is mistreating you. At first you feel hurt and angry when they do it; you try to set a boundary and pull away. But soon, this other part of you starts making you think that it’s YOU who’s the bad one -- that you’re just expecting too much, or you’re being too unforgiving, or you're just making trouble where there isn’t any trouble. THAT is how abandonment wound can distort your thinking and trap you in terrible situations. You CAN heal. In this video I respond to a letter from a single mother in a long-term dating relationship with a man who is dismissive and occasionally cruel. Hear my advice on how to STOP going back to him, and restart her life.
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Пікірлер: 326

@bethtaylor9773 Жыл бұрын

I'm so glad that you mentioned 12 step programs. In Al-Anon (for friends and families of alcoholics and/or drug addicts), we work the same steps as the AA's, but we work them on alcoholism, people, situations while the AAs (Alcoholics Anonymous) work them on alcohol. I came in 34 years ago with three littles. People helped me with them by keeping them on their laps during the meeting - I also brought coloring books and colors and books so that the kids could keep themselves pretty much entertained too. I made lifelong friends who understand; we help each other in a way that isn't enabling but loving. I so hope that the writer of the letter finds such treasure too. BTW, my kids soaked it in too and that background has helped them in their lives too.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын

My experience too :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@danielgmcbride8214 11 ай бұрын

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Your interpretation of these situations are excellent and I think spot on. The experts cannot tell you the whole truth bc they are basically limited by the agreements they made when they received their degree and certifications. So refreshing to hear the naked truth.

@FirstIncarnation Жыл бұрын

A good friend (who happens to be a psychiatrist) was talking about this pattern with me. Here's how he scripted it for the two sides of this dynamic: " I need you, so it doesn't matter how you treat me". For the other person it is " I don't need you so it doesn't matter how I treat you." It hit me like a punch.

@msne72 10 ай бұрын

Wow!!! That made me cry.

@nancyleebushnell1304 5 ай бұрын

Wow. That just hit me like a ton of bricks also.

@nancyleebushnell1304 5 ай бұрын

Wow. That just hit me like a ton of bricks also.

@emmahedgecock7091 5 ай бұрын

Damn

@carolnahigian9518 Ай бұрын

Amen

@annakavalec835 Жыл бұрын

Yes, stay away. It is difficult to accept that someone really does not care. They really do not care. We should expect healthy behavior from others in our lives.

@andziagreen4922 Жыл бұрын

Yes for many of us with cptsd is very difficult to accept that someone so close to us does not care. I had no clue on how to deal in this type of situations and was blaming them or myself for failure even tho there were many red flags... But like this lady from the letter my abandonment issues and cptsd was taking control of my mind and decisions making

@cocksureness Жыл бұрын

Key point here. The difficulty, (or for some, straight up denial) to accept that your outlook may be incorrect, will keep you in chains.

@lizvtaz6 10 ай бұрын

@@andziagreen4922sorry, but can I ask why is it difficult to accept? I have cptsd and I don't think I ever had any problem accepting that some people are bad, some people are mentally ill, and sometimes people don't love their close family members. Can you describe your feelings when you find it difficult to accept those things?

@TeamCat1128 Жыл бұрын

“Grieving the hope of a wonderful future…a future that was never going to be…” So true.

@kaneykane3449 11 ай бұрын

This hits like a punch to the gut 🥹

@dmalina3 Жыл бұрын

Fear of separation. I have it. It is not the fear of beeing alone, but separation, breakin up with somebody makes me very anxious

@edkoooooo Жыл бұрын

wow yes me too...

@user-deesegma Жыл бұрын

Separation anxiety

@jackiegab9394 10 ай бұрын

Same here🙋‍♂️

@kellyyork3898 Жыл бұрын

A lot of women finally leave when they see their abuser coming for their children, which they always do.

@CryingRaven Жыл бұрын

Wow! You dodged a bullet girl! Good for you standing up for your child.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын

Thanks for your encouraging comment! Julie@TeamFairy

@ponetium Жыл бұрын

As an autistic, I don't really think he is. He just didn't care. Some abusive man are like that, when it comes to their partners, they become blind to anything. They just don't see their partners as people.

@palapalak.8907 Жыл бұрын

Very true!

@mookiemon Жыл бұрын

Also autistic, also speculating, but my gut says he’s just a dick.

@heidikingcanales6090 Жыл бұрын

They operate without conscience or empathy. It's a chilling thing.

@piretparmakson3353 Жыл бұрын

Yes, a neglectful narcissist more likely.

@MyDuckSaysFucc 11 ай бұрын

Yes I think not caring is the main issue. Although it sounded to me a little like Cassandra syndrome. I have experienced similar behavior from my neurodivergent ex. I think when you have autism, social skills don’t come naturally so you can struggle to understand the people around you. Also hyper independence and rigid thinking - it felt like my ex thought everyone should be like him and not need any emotional support or validation. It’s important to acknowledge how these traits can become self destructive so anyone with them can learn to grow wether you are neurodivergent or not.

@merrilymunson5010 Жыл бұрын

Six kids with four different women would be a red flag for me...

@user-deesegma Жыл бұрын

It would be a “flag down everybody died there’s nothing here go home” for me 😂

@MajaJeremic Жыл бұрын

Most definitely. I doubt that he was any better with all those women.

@angelaholmes8888 Жыл бұрын

Absolutely I would had done a runner 💨🏃‍♀️

@patriciabaldner6375 Жыл бұрын

Put yourself in your child's position how people treat you! Protect your son always!

@faithevolution552 Жыл бұрын

We've all got to recognize that if we had a crappy childhood that we are sick. Our codependent problems, poor self esteem, and our icky sticky neediness...attracks people who don't play well together with us. We can't blame anyone for miserable feelings or relationship unhappiness....normal people only hang out with people who they are happy to be with. I have severe CPTSD, borderline PD and bipolar depression. I'm on lots of medication for my (severe) mental health issues....and I am relieved to focus only on my healing. For the first time in 59 years I do not have a partner or a boyfriend or a husband...and I've had many relationships...too many of them. What a mental health relief to feel strong and happy enough to be alone and to stay away from people who don't "get me", or who I don't understand. Please work on your own mental health so that you don't suffer anymore relationships with people who don't suit you. ❤❤❤💖💖💖

@TeamCat1128 Жыл бұрын

Yes! And that’s especially true for people with children. The children are helpless in the rotating wheel of crappy partners cycling through their caregivers’ lives.

@jenniferl6553 Жыл бұрын

Excellent advice. I agree, for now focus on your healing Allison.

@shirleypoplo-ej7lz 8 ай бұрын

Oh my goodness it took me almost sixty to finally to be alone peacefully!! WHAT A PAINFUL EMOTIONAL LIFE!! I WAS DEFINITELY MENTALLY SICK!! I TOOK MORE ABUSE THEN SEVERAL PEOPLE COULD TAKE!! I had no self value no self esteem or self confidence!! I DO FINALLY ENJOY BEING ALONE!! IM JUST SO HEARTBROKEN THE ENERGY THE HELL I WENT THROUGH TO HAVE SOMEONE!! NOW I LOOK BACK AND THINK MY GOD WHAT WAS WRONG WITH. E!!

@juanderuano8969 Жыл бұрын

Great video, I was in a beautiful marriage before my now ex wife left me,i still love her and most times i cant stop thinking about her, i am doing my very best to get rid of the thought of her, but i just cant, i love her so much, i dont know why i am bring this here for, i cant stop thinking about her.

@PrettyLoather Жыл бұрын

He's not autistic, he just doesn't give a f@&k and doesn't want the bother of listening to her feelings or being held accountable. Giving the impression he doesn't understand is just more palatable than giving the impression he simply does not care.

@JoyFay Жыл бұрын

I’m afraid emotionally abusive people will start claiming autism in droves.

@anna-rosephipps3132 Жыл бұрын

This letter from Alison was so well expressed, i felt i was right there in the same restaurant, with this man. I've been in this situation, with this kind of person. The tipping point came when he was abusive to your son. Thank goodness you woke up, and you made such a dignified exit. I've learned how to do so myself now, thanks to you. You've got self respect. Bravo

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын

Thanks for your encouraging words! Julie@TeamFairy

@yudythemodel2025 Жыл бұрын

Indeed, she's a great story teller 📜 🖋️

@gabrieleulrich7143 11 ай бұрын

❤

@denasharpe2393 11 ай бұрын

So agree and so proud of you for seeing that your son did not deserve such treatment and finally....You Do Not Either....

@vegeta8169 Жыл бұрын

I just forgot what happened. Used an app (moodtrack) to keep track how I felt. Only when looking in the app I could see how bad it was. That was what I needed to leave.

@friedgreentomatoes5054 Жыл бұрын

What app I need that.

@user-deesegma Жыл бұрын

I literally used to write in a journal daily about how I was feeling and what was happening each day - it’s true once abandonment melange kicks in you forget all bad even the whole rationale so I had to reread the journal to remember it was good to stay away. It’s crazy how creative my brain got in order to give me best reasons to get back together. That journal was my life saver

@vegeta8169 Жыл бұрын

@@friedgreentomatoes5054 moodtrack.

@indyd9322 Жыл бұрын

I could really use that. I forget over time too.

@the_infinity_channel Жыл бұрын

I write all things in diary and sudenly when I look it up it was wow what have I been through. Always keep track of your emotions. Thanks for sharing this app 😊😊

@purrfectstormz8225 Жыл бұрын

Since I discovered you I haven't been able to watch one of your videos without tearing up, I feel so understood , like you are explaining me to myself. At 52 I thought I had healed so much, but really I think i have just learned to survive without getting close to anyone so I don't get triggered. I think I'm really lonely but I didnt realize it. Thank you

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын

I'm so glad you found the channel. We understand as few others can and we're all sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy

@jazzsoul1695 Жыл бұрын

Let's not forget this stupid phrase that some older women will haunt you with, such as " You know, he's a good earner, he's nice looking, and someone else will catch him ( a good catch), or " You're getting older, and you need to take what you can get!" You're over 40 with a child! Men don't want that, so just be careful". This is the self-deprecating crap that kept me in SEVERAL shitty relationships. You're actually better off getting OUT of that. But yes you'll have to be careful with money. Better than feeling like a slave!

@angelaholmes8888 Жыл бұрын

Yes totally agree with you my mother wasted years with my father

@BonaFideWildLife 2 ай бұрын

Let someone else catch him. Good for her! If she had any self worth, she'd leave.

@lsisak7651 Жыл бұрын

The Senior Pastor of a church I attended for 6 months had no clue saying horribly insulting things to people was hurtful. He apologized once claiming he struggles to understand how other people could feel. I don't attend that church anymore. Thanks for pointing this out. People are crazy these days.

@jamaicanjoyh6883 Жыл бұрын

Wow😮...that's scary. A lack of empathy (check the definition) is a primary trait if a NARCISSIST. Empathy is a key trait as a Pastor, a shepherd of Gods flock. So glad you got out of there. Although we are NOT to forsake the assembling together it's important to make sure it's in the RIGHT place. I hope you are well❤

@lovearttherapyalways Жыл бұрын

Thanks so much for this. For myself I find I no longer stay in relationships once I see these kinds of behaviors... I still give a few chances but then I also quietly observe and when I am clear that this person is toxic for me I am gone! Good for you to stand up for your child and good for you for really seeing what is there and not what you wish was there! God bless everyone on this channel. So grateful for Anna!!!!

@jeanwilson9925 Жыл бұрын

Had this with some work colleagues!

@PushPastParalysis Жыл бұрын

The end of this video really helped me. I keep wondering why I keep attracting the same kinds of people when I’m finally ready for my love story. It’s the trauma still running the show.

@coachjoshuajones Жыл бұрын

You’re not attracting them. You are attracted to them.. make sense ?

@sweetpeaLp7 Жыл бұрын

@@coachjoshuajoneslike when we say we're attracting them it's self-blame?

@PushPastParalysis Жыл бұрын

@@coachjoshuajones yes it does

@coachjoshuajones Жыл бұрын

@@sweetpeaLp7 yes and no. Before i explain. Let me add that there is no “love story” that’s magical thinking that comes from our CPTSD. Relationships take work and both parties have to be committed to growing together where problem solving becomes a regular thing. Anna has many videos about this. As for us being attracted to toxic people. It’s because of our codependency, low self worth, among many other things. Most of us grew up in dysfunctional homes where we learned all the wrong ways to be in a healthy relationship and we have attachment issues as a result. Like attracts like. If we aren’t healthy and healed, we will be attracted to someone who’s not healthy or healed. Codependents are usually attracted to toxic-narcissistic people. A recipe for very abusive relationships. A very profound statement was delivered to me. “It’s all my fault”. (And not in a shaming way). But consequences are a result of our choices. If we get into a relationship with an unhealthy person it’s because we chose to ignore or weren’t self aware enough to see the red flags. So yes. It is our fault.

@sweetpeaLp7 Жыл бұрын

@@coachjoshuajones okay, so it sounds like when you're moving from your trauma you draw in more of that energy. Got it!

@Mme_Chantal Жыл бұрын

I work with kids on the autism spectrum and that man is not on the spectrum. He can read a room and he saw her when she froze. That’s totally what he wanted her to feel. He his just an emotionally abusive men. My daughter’s boyfriend is on the spectrum and he sees the world differently from my daughter and me. But in no way he is abusive.

@allapples Жыл бұрын

Done this many times, and more recently detached from a person and accepted it for what it is. We still talk from time to time, but I no longer look for what isn’t there and have set concrete boundaries. It is hard to let go when there is nothing waiting on the other side however I have peace and that’s a win.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын

That's a huge win! -Cara@TeamFairy

@bitchenboutique6953 Жыл бұрын

It’s been years since I left and the wound still opens up and asks me if I’m SURE I’m not the one who was being abusive and cruel,especially since I’m the one who left… but it gets easier and easier to tell it to STFU.

@lorimiller4301 Жыл бұрын

A Narcissist would never stop and ask themselves those kinds of questions. So just by your self reflection you have proven that you are not the bad guy. 😊❤🎉

@blossomooo Жыл бұрын

He doesn’t seem artistic, he seems narcissistic! He knows what he’s doing and he doesn’t want to be accountable for it!! And in that conversation about her son, he made that very clear! 🤯 he so reminds me of a guy I dated 🤢. Even down to how Anna says he’s robotic! I used to tell him that all the time.

@remissao13 Жыл бұрын

Way to go, Alison! We're rooting for you! You've made the right decision, a great step towards healing. I love the lioness mother within you!!!

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын

Thanks for sharing these kind words :) -Calista@TeamFairy

@Loesjewes Жыл бұрын

Such a sweet comment! Totally agree 😊

@GlossyHop Жыл бұрын

This man sounds SO much like my ex, minus all the kids. I have CPTSD from an abusive childhood, and abandonment issues. Hearing this story really helps.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын

I'm so glad it was helpful! -Calista@TeamFairy

@sweetpeaLp7 Жыл бұрын

Goooo Alison! Feels so good to hear one of us follow through with their gut and take charge.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын

Right?! Thanks for taking the time to comment :) -Calista@TeamFairy

@katrose2350 Жыл бұрын

Darling Allison, GOOD FOR YOU. I am SO proud of you girl. keep moving forward, mama lioness

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын

Thanks for sharing this encouragement! Julie@TeamFairy

@elvan5922 8 ай бұрын

I am so happy to see that she cared and protected her child.My mom never did this for me with my dad.

@Nancy-cm1rh Жыл бұрын

That guy didn't have any empathy at all. He was just using you. Peorid.

@missliberty10 Жыл бұрын

There is nothing wrong in expecting to get back what you put in i feel ,that is what makes a good relationchip ,if we can not depend on eachother there is nothing there .

@nuageartstudio4193 5 ай бұрын

I agree too ❤

@kittyweisman6655 Жыл бұрын

Well done Allison for following your gut on this, sticking up for your sweet boy, and refusing to put up with that awful guy. I know there were some good times and you cared about him but you also get to have someone care about you, which he did not.

@sabine3769 Жыл бұрын

Im so proud of you for leaving, I suffered for 19yrs did not have the courage to get out.

@nyccheckin 10 ай бұрын

Thank you for your hard work. When I finally surrendered my “reasons” I was left with myself. I didn’t change, over time I stopped doing what was blocking my growth and causing unhappiness. I unearthed my true self and became for myself what I thought i needed from others. Eventually saying no to ego based reactions and replacing them with love empathy and boundaries has peeled away the many acts for survival that no longer worked. I survived and life is giving back so much. Be humble or be humiliated. Breakdowns are really break throughs!! Treat yourself the way you want others to treat you.

@Leoo117 Жыл бұрын

He said at one point that he doesn't want to be held accountable. I think that applies to many areas of his life in general. He doesn't WANT to understand how his words affect her and her son, because he is afraid to take responsibility for it. Its easier for him to just walk away or tell someone to leave. He also said that part about everyone being alone. So he seems to be sad and irresponsible at the same time, which makes it really hard to emotionally support others, so he just won't do it. Thats what it seems to me.

@clairewallace4730 Жыл бұрын

He treated her badly because he is not interested in her.

@mindfulminime7082 Жыл бұрын

You can not be interested and still not treat somebody horribly.

@Songe467 Жыл бұрын

It's taken me 6 months of cutting contact with my family to reach the point where I no longer feel the need to check in on them, send an email or pick up a phone and call. I'm a little shocked that it's taken me so long, particular when the realization of just how badly I was neglected hit me so frigging hard. I'm still wrapping my head around the fact that not only are both my parents likely narcissistic but my older sister is too. My oldest sister learned to use me to get attention from the parents, what a good bigger sister, taking care of your baby sister. I spent years with my sister been the only real parent I had, looking after me and giving me attention so that the parents gave her attention and praise. Losing my sister has actually been harder for me then leaving the parents. I haven't had much contact with my brother since he gave up his life, family and everyone around him for his wife, I assume he's a people pleaser like me but it's been years since I've had much to do with him.

@nikismith1871 Жыл бұрын

Thank you!!! I’ve been to therapy a lot in my adult life, trying to heal from childhood trauma which has wrecked havoc in my life. At 50, I am so tired of awful relationships which make me feel lonely and abandoned, now I’m ok to just be alone. I know deep down I still want to be in a loving and equal relationship, but I need to change my pattern. I just stumbled across you yesterday… and you have made more sense than any therapist I’ve worked with. I’m so grateful to hear you. What a gift ❤

@thisdivinefeminine632 11 ай бұрын

I feel you. ❤

@sadie9386 Жыл бұрын

Not kissing someone goodbye has zero to do with autism. Tired of hearing that label banded about.

@EllPhante Жыл бұрын

It does occur in many relationships when one person has autism. The people suffering from the neglect hate it too. Not talking about bad behaviors that people with autism share is not doing them or their SO's any favors. It needs to be talked about, not shamed because "autism".

@MelindaLongoria Жыл бұрын

I need more of your information. This is helping me a lot. They make you feel like everything is your fault.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын

There is so much more! www.crappychildhoodfairy.com -Cara@TeamFairy

@greipaldin300 Жыл бұрын

As an autistic, I don't think he is an autistic. He can't read yes, but once people tell you it's bad, the affective empathy comes

@shannonmarie2963 Жыл бұрын

We don’t know. I agree with Anna that he is likely neurodivergent. A person can be on the spectrum AND also a total douche. Depends on the upbringing- like anyone else.

@chrisbastean Жыл бұрын

It sounds like his heart is completely closed.

@mgraulau 11 ай бұрын

Such clarity, Fairy, when we aren't able to see through the fog. I'm attending my first SLAA meeting tonight and, with a very nice note, ended a 7-year limerant "friendship" with a truly good, decent guy whom I knew was never, ever going to be available. It's been a true confidence builder. Thank you, Fairy. 🎉🎉🎉

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 11 ай бұрын

Good for you! Thank you for telling us. Julie@TeamFairy

@meeraraj0 Жыл бұрын

10:55 This was the victory moment I almost cried. In this story well Done for your son!! Being a kind mother❤ I just been in a friendship that left me freeze mode few times, he'd be angry and I was left feeling I'm bad one. If she wants to speak maybe we could help each other. I left 5 weeks ago but was pushed I'm feel the abandonement. He blocked me.

@georgefrazer2231 Жыл бұрын

I have set boundaries with a church leader who simply ignores every boundary that I set. He thinks that its his duty to take decisions for me. Some 'know' what this person is like. Others simply just 'play along'. My only 'long term' option is to leave. This individual has 'totally destroyed' a church and turned it into a 'personality cult' all based around himself and 'his' opinions. These individuals are totally toxic and never ever stop 'loving' themselves. You set the highest 'barriers' possible. Next Sunday is going to be another day of more 'exaggerations' and nonsense 'fool talk'. The minister is 'on vacation' so 'when the cats away, the covert naracist will play he mind games over and over and over. Thanks for this video.

@KellysMagicalRealm Жыл бұрын

I’m glad to say after watching your videos for a few years now I’m no longer like this. I know realize I have no feelings for the men from the past it was codependency

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын

Wow, glad to hear about your progress! Strong work. Julie@TeamFairy

@patriciasalem3606 Жыл бұрын

I don't have this problem out of ignorance. Rather, those abusive relationships always have a serious power imbalance, usually involving money - a spouse, landlord, boss, etc. You put up with the abuse because you don't have any other options.

@TurningTesting Жыл бұрын

You said the silent part out loud It's an important point that is 'not supposed to be talked about'. Like an invisible wall of futility

@mmmitchell6887 Жыл бұрын

Much of the discussion is centered around facts not so relevant to me personally, yet I’m still learning about the methodology of self-assessment and improvement. I’m ready for the free course and will strongly effort to complete this weekend. The Freeze response and self isolation are too huge barriers I’m moving out of my way. I’m now dealing with gangs, destroying my property where I live and I’m moving forward with all the recommendations of the police. So many of us just wanna live in peace and so many others just wanna pray upon us for their own sense of self being. Thank you so much for this channel and for your emails thank your entire team and thank your family. You’ve become a hero, probably around the world.

@lorriheffner2747 Жыл бұрын

Yes, my son used to do homework and eat his breakfast in a huge room with plenty of lighting while I was in a 6:30 am mtg. It took a while before he understood that the Lord’s Prayer did not end with “keep coming back, It works.” 😂😮❤❤😅 & it did work. No alcohol since 1994 for me

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын

Wow, that's great! Thanks for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy

@virgoyogini5377 11 ай бұрын

I don't feel that he's not neurotypical. I feel like he just doesn't care, and feigns "not understanding", they depersonalize others. Dear Allison, applause to you for standing up for your child & realizing that you don't deserve that treatment either. Now, continue your good work & continue to honor yourself and your child. I'm here with you, having left abusive relationships, doing the work. Sending loving support.❤

@Rubiastraify Жыл бұрын

YES - good work, Allison! Sometimes when we stand up for others who are truly defenseless, it gives us insights and "permission" to stand up for ourselves. When I tried to stand up for myself as a child, I would often be slapped in the face for "talking back". Even today, I sometimes flinch inside, expecting a backlash when I stand up for myself. But, each time, it gets a little easier. It is worse to be with an unfeeling person than to be alone. Yes, 12-step programs can be very helpful--anonymous and non-judgmental, and it's not just about you getting advice from others---you can heal when you have insights to share that might help someone else. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: "You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think!" ~ Winnie-the-Pooh {{HUGS}}

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын

Thank you so much for this great comment and encouraging words! I also experienced that exact kind of abuse when standing up for myself as a child. Wild how such parents will do and even say the same abusive things, word-for-word like they have a playbook. Great insight about healing through service in support fellowships, too. Julie@TeamFairy

@kathyduer7108 10 ай бұрын

You are a very wise woman. I am learning so much from you. Thank you for opening my eyes and showing me I am not crazy

@ScabiousGarde 10 ай бұрын

Having to kick out a roommate but I act like I want to get a beer with him on a weekly basis, whereas in reality I hope I never see him again

@kaneykane3449 11 ай бұрын

I am sitting crying because I've just let go of an unattainable man who just couldnt. The feeling of separation anxiety, the massive emotions & dysregulation are horrific. I hate that others have been hurt but I'm so glad there are people who understand. & breathe

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 11 ай бұрын

I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling right now. We're all sending you support and encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy

@kaneykane3449 11 ай бұрын

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy that's so very kind. Thank you Calista x

@donnawhittaker5197 Жыл бұрын

As a person married to a neurodiverse man for decades, I clearly recognize autistic traits and this man clearly demonstrates a lack of emotional intelligence. ND people also do not have insight into their behavior because of “mind blindness” - they can’t see what needs to be changed in themselves and they will deflect and blame the other person all the time. However, being autistic does not mean it’s okay for the person to be emotionally abusive. Like me, Allison is used to emotionally unavailable people because that’s what we experienced in childhood and so our brains are drawn to emotionally unavailable people. I used to work with women in domestic violence situations and it was hard for them to recognize emotional abuse but when it was finally directed to their kids, they did what you did and left. Kudos to you, Allison, for walking away from this man a final time. {Hugs}.

@apris666 10 ай бұрын

Absolutely love these "story time's" and analysis ! Helps me a lot as I can relate

@lyndseyjaiyen9147 Жыл бұрын

Good job and don't worry too much if possible, it took me a long time but I finally got the right one for me, you could also find the right person. but even if you don't, just keep working on yourself and good things will come. I wish you and your son all the best of luck and congrats for taking the steps that you have!

@amberm5626 Жыл бұрын

Yes, I experienced and tolerated this type of mis treatment and blamed myself for not 7 months but off and on for over 5 years. It was so sticky and became what I believe was a trauma bond. I started healing and was able to escape though I made amends to the person for my behavior which in hindsight was actually healthy anger in defense of the emotional abuse. I'm so glad she opened her eyes if even because of her child. May she grow to protect herself as much as she protects her child. 🙏

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын

Thank you for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy

@lees5073 Жыл бұрын

This also explains why so many of us stay in dead end crappy jobs instead of allowing change in our professional lives.

@meeraraj0 Жыл бұрын

Thank you Fairy ❤ You are a real master fairy 🌟⭐️ May I say enlightened masters like Eckhart tolle say our reaction determines what happens next and we perpetuate the cycle by reacting. And also that we chose it. I'm understanding it all now as I heal more but I tried soo hard with some friends because they were genuinely lovely people. My wounds kicked in I know he did not mean to be hot n cold. It started hurting me. I tried so hard not to let it get to me. When I brought it up gently and tried respectfully but he would shame me and what I thought gaslight.i don't chose they come after me.

@sianmary1759 Жыл бұрын

🙏🏻💙Thanks for this Anna, and well done Alison for walking away! Wish I could see you all at London Sat but I’m sorting out my marriage which has left me exhausted- staying with my son. Gutted and wish I could go.. love from Wales 🙏🏻💙 x x

@JoyFay Жыл бұрын

Even worse, since childhood, I have openly accepted blame for wrongs I did not commit, it was the way I was raised and those that maltreated me have used this against me-as justification to maltreat me more.

@lovelocked5385 10 ай бұрын

Same ❤️

@miathompson1172 10 ай бұрын

Really good advice… I absolutely love your channel…. 🌸

@francescavitaliani2337 Жыл бұрын

This topic is so useful

@lowlowseesee 11 ай бұрын

That could’ve lasted 7 years. She did great

@princessc3039 Жыл бұрын

OMG.. this is me!

@DosBear 10 ай бұрын

Thirty years of leaving and coming back that I finally ended 13 years ago. It's never easy when those we love let us down in such horrible ways due to whatever it may be that ails them. The damage done to so many others, along the way, who are indirectly affected, is my only regret. Unfortunately, some things are out of our control and it's very easy to make the mistake of taking on the responsibilty for those failures as our own. This is not to say we don't play a vital role and must take some of the responsibility onto ourselves but that is all part of the human condition. People will only treat you as badly as you let them & understanding this is half the battle. Peace.

@multilingualmind778 Жыл бұрын

I love this letter.. thank you for sharing, I know this feeling so well - everything inside screams that something is off, that I am invisible for the person but then the brain starts playing tricks - no, it´s me not them.. magical addiction to abusers.. so beautiful that, thanks to your child, you could ´´go out from yourself´´ and observe the situation from a distance, from a true love perspective, I had a similar situation with a guy abusing my dog, I left him instantly the moment he hit her but I couldn´t leave him before when he was talking down to me, telling me how to dress, laughing at my dreams etc.

@amygirl9534 11 ай бұрын

The thing about the guy seeing her as the blame for everything because she has trauma is a red flag in itself. A guy who doesn’t respond immediately with empathy and compassion towards your plight has his own dysfunction to contend with.

@DoNotLoseTheMoon Жыл бұрын

I don’t read this as autistic - I read this as someone that sees people in their lives as objects to use for their needs and are replaceable.

@r.p.8906 Жыл бұрын

wow... you nailed it 100% for me!!! THANK YOU!!

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын

So glad! TeamFairy

@evelina733 Жыл бұрын

Thank you so much, Anna! 💕

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын

You are so welcome! -The Fairy Team

@lees5073 Жыл бұрын

I meant to add that outward appearances became important in childhood so that carries into adulthood. I just gave myself permission to leave a job that looks like a dream on the outside looking in , but I was really a 4 digit employee number on the inside of the company. I'm moving to a position in another company after 10 years and the change aspect is more daunting than any other aspect. I have this 👌

@user-do3qz7kt2m Жыл бұрын

You are doing great keep going ❤from Australia,it’s Cristina

@amothergoddess2774 Жыл бұрын

THIS IS SUCH A COMMON STORY, I HEAR IT EVERYDAY, LOADS OF MEN AND WOMEN GO THRU IT, ITS CALLED LIFE EXPERIENCE, AND IF YOU COME FR ABUSIVE FAMILY IT HAPPENS AND MUCH, MUCH WORSE!

@mshannahloganshow 7 ай бұрын

The face you chose for your thumbnail is PRICELESS... Like, "There is so much I want to say and will not, but I am about to say SOMETHIN'. "

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 7 ай бұрын

Haha, glad you like it! -Calista@TeamFairy

@jollymollyramram9702 Жыл бұрын

I’m confused. Why would telling someone kindly that they talk too loud hurt their feelings? I’d want someone to tell me especially in a public setting as it’s common courtesy to be considerate to people around you. The way her boyfriend did it was clearly to humilitate her. Key is always how you critique someone. But great video😊

@msdixieblues Жыл бұрын

Hope for the future of what could be. Very profound statement that is making me think.

@starciacockett9912 Жыл бұрын

I'm curious what your opinion would be on the possibility of him pretending to not understand how she's feeling. Maybe in order to not be accountable for the effort needed to comfort her?

@chroniclesoflucifer Жыл бұрын

Wow, thank you for sharing this story. Very eye opening and similar experiences. So grateful the writer was able to be courageous for her son. Sometimes we need our inner goddess to show up for someone else that we care about, before we can find our self compassion. ♥️ 😊

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын

Thanks for sharing these kind words :) -Calista@TeamFairy

@jucaja Жыл бұрын

You’re so strong for finally leaving him. Pls don’t go back to him. If not for you but for your son. ❤

@nancyleebushnell1304 5 ай бұрын

When beginning to understand why it's been so hard to leave this most recent relationship. Way too complicated to explain it all here. But this video really helped me see My own choices and behavior more clearly. Thank you Anna. Perhaps one day I'll even write to you.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 5 ай бұрын

I'm so glad the video was helpful, we're all sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy

@DJTheBlondeSpirit Жыл бұрын

Looking forward to Saturday in London

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын

Yay! Thanks for coming! -TeamFairy

@dogblues4829 8 ай бұрын

Oceans of blessings y'all

@hippiechick2112 11 ай бұрын

Never thought of a 12-step program! Not addict myself, but daughter of. Other parent was covert narcissist. Thank you!

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 11 ай бұрын

Yep, Al-Anon, Adult Children of Alcoholics and Other Dysfunctional Families, Codependents Anonymous, many to choose from with online or in-person meetings. Thanks for your comment! Julie@TeamFairy

@jennifersiagian Жыл бұрын

I appreciate and am benefiting how you fully respomd the letters . It is validating I to the author of and my my hearing this I am identifying and geting the skills / tools to move through this CPST

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын

Thank you for your kind words! Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy

@percygirl101 11 ай бұрын

It’s hard when you’re stuck living with the person and can’t leave quite yet. I’m not too sure how to handle that when I’m stuck at home till I can move out :/

@Mikelk71 Жыл бұрын

Wow I so relate and hear myself in her words. As I had to do the same and it has broken me open. Thank you for sharing ❤ what I had to do was leave and protect myself. My children had the same experience with her not being kind to them and she would speak so harsh to them and about them to me. I freeze and withdraw as my trauma response

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын

Thank you for sharing your experience, I'm sorry you had to go through that. -Calista@TeamFairy

@imbolc8024 Жыл бұрын

Gosh, i'm so relating with Allison... like many people here i read, hugs from Belgium. yes the freeze respons...

@Dan_Chiron Жыл бұрын

As an autistic woman, I guarantee you that autistic experience relates more to the writer, questioning herself all the time, than to the boyfriend's actions. What I read between lines is that he might _say_ he doesn't understand, but he just doesn't want to be bothered; that "I don't understand" thing doesn't sound literal, it sounds like a brush off. He seems terribly avoidant, and a person like that tend to perceive any need from a partner as clinginess. I had a boyfriend like this, he even told me that exact same phrase "If you don't like it, you're free to leave", and like Allison, I stayed, wondering if *I* was the problem and playing nice girl for two more years. So, to anyone reading, please notice that a good partner will try their best for you to be happy, no matter if they're neurodivergent or not. And yes, some ND's can be mean, but that behaviour is not inherent to our condition; you can tell our true intent in our reaction when you talk about what bothers you (just don't assume we should already know what's wrong).

@oldyeller6518 Жыл бұрын

Hey fairy, yer hair looks great long like this👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼. I guess all I’ve been watching are the old videos.

@Andwhataboutithuh Жыл бұрын

Now that we understand the “why” we do the things we do, do you have any advice on how to take the steps to move away from that? What green flags or red flags should we look for in the future?

@beckythornton6470 Жыл бұрын

But weren't those clothes something she gave to his little girl? She didn't give them to him like that. I could not involve the little girl in any of the situation, if I could help it. She might feel really confused and hurt by finding them gone. Ohh we humans, sigh. I never exempt myself there too.

@fiercearmadillo6850 Жыл бұрын

Yeah this really bothered me. Based on the writer's apparent entitlement to steal from a kid, I suspect that there's more to this story, and that her behaviors have been destabilizing and upsetting her ex-boyfriend for a while. Not bashing the writer. I've been her, i subscribe to CCF for a reason! But this particular situation is not as clear cut an "abusive narcissist vs abused innocent" situation as many others have been.

@inchkademuiter3048 11 ай бұрын

The clothes were supposed to be paid for - except I never received any money for them. That’s why I took them back. He is a rich man with 4 houses and a brand new electric car, I am a student and a single mom in a rented appartment. He would brag about his wealth all the time. The clothes were my son´s, I keep them because I do wish for more children. I just gave them so many presents - I was totally overgiving and doing way too much in that relationship. He basically just wanted a nanny and a housekeeper that would also sleep with him. He did not actually care about me. I felt used. I totally do not regret taking them back.

@julielewis5337 11 ай бұрын

WOW!! HOW SPOT ON. I totally understand her situation with a few difference's. Huge hugs❤ I left like this and it was Not Easy at all but Necessary for my growth. I seen the alcohol use every day, never physical but said some unforgiving words that he doesn't remember "?" that I didn't tell him so hopefully it was just a mistake. I had said plenty about plenty to him and thought I was being heard yet, I was unheard. I love him dearly but I know longer want to be the only giver to the greater good. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼.

@nancywitt6339 Жыл бұрын

Relatable!

@Mushroom321- Жыл бұрын

Horray!!, for choosing to block !! 😼👏👏🎉🎉

@sadie9386 Жыл бұрын

Today I learned that I have been marginalized as a person by my codependent compulsions.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын

You can heal! Thanks for watching. Glad you're here. Julie@TeamFairy

@sharonthompson672 11 ай бұрын

Allison, he's a dipstick looking for a car. Your response (freeze) was natural. Your body's telling you the truth. ❤️🍀

@yahnferral9163 Жыл бұрын

She helped him and he did not help her. That is the bottom line. A lot of men get in a hyper overly vigilant mode when there is not love for long periods and a woman can break through that. If within the story she had not shown to be helpful I would have been a little bit suspicious but she showed she was there for him and they still could not connect. It’s hard but must move on.

@krisleigh2005 Жыл бұрын

How can a woman break through that? This sounds like me. Wondering if there's something else I could do.