This is yet another scenario that I can relate to on so many levels. You are so succinct with your messages and helpful insights into the areas of concern you see in these letters and clearly explain why and what the steps are to make the necessary adjustments to properly heal and succeed in life. Thank you so much for everything you do for so many of us!

When I finally told my abusive mother and ex off, and took my dogs and my stuff and moved and blocked them MORE THAN HALF MY PAINS AND ACHES DISAPEARED within a week of being alone at my new place.

As the youngest child growing up with abusive and neglectful parents, I witnessed the dance my older siblings performed, desperately trying to make Mom stop being sad. It's painful to see them pour all their energy into our parent, erasing their own needs and sense of self. But I won't let that define me. I refuse to be trapped in this cycle. It's time for me to break free, discover my true self, and create healthy relationships. I will rewrite my own story and embrace the love and happiness I deserve. It starts with me, and I am ready to take that leap.

No parent should be draining the life of a child so they can get their needs met...Yesss! Thank you! (Oldest child here)

Adult children of alcoholics saved my life and helped me find the path out of my abusive marriage. 10/10 recommend

"...susceptible to somaticize emotional pain into physical ailments" really hits home with me!

I can relate to too much of this as an ex Mormon. Having to pretend to be someone you're not and believe in something you don't is exhausting.

Wow, *right out the gate* this hits hard 😂😅😳 'If you grew up with an abusive or neglectful parent, and especially if you were the oldest child, you may have learned to dance around and do everything in your power to make your mom not be sad, including erasing your feelings and needs so that you could pour all your energy into that parent.' It was both parents for us, but this is spot-on already and it's only been a few seconds

As one who is a victim of cPTSD from spiritual abuse … empathy. It’s the worst because the shame has so much time to be ground down deep deep deep into your heart. I believe in God and love him deep down but also want to die most days. And years of therapy didn’t help me as much as 10 of your videos have.

I related to this a lot. I grew up with fundie Christian parents and know what it’s like to grow up in constant fear of being beaten - so you learn to hide every emotion and become a completely different person. Really exhausting. Thank goodness I managed to get out of that belief system before I married and had kids. That makes healing so much harder.

It’s really tough growing up being told how you feel. It’s so hard to know what I actually want or feel because I’ve only recently started to clear the fog. Especially mixed with guilt of feeling like a bad person for being me.

23:00 so true!! The energy of abuse is in the air of the Basement! The kids know more than we will ever know! Get out of the basement and save your relationship with your kids. They breath the toxicity!

"It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house." "Better is a dinner of herbs where love is, than a stalled ox and hatred therewith." "Better is a dry morsel, and quietness therewith, than an house full of sacrifices with strife." - Proverbs 21:9; 15:17; 17:1

Being on the floor and the insulin... yea I know how this feels so this made me cry. It is a very distinct and particular distress

To find new social connections, he might want to start with a support group for those who have left religous groups. They have them for pretty much all denominations. He might find others he can relate to and open up with. Hope he gets back his self and his life.

This letter about a fundamentalist religion sounds like Mormonism. I grew up in the same religion. I have absorbed so many harmful messages throughout my life. I also now have rheumatoid arthritis and several other chronic illnesses. Having a debilitating illness has affected my life of teaching dance, choreographing, and performing. I have developed many mental illnesses and have had adhd since childhood but was not diagnosed until adulthood. I now realize that much of my mental and physical health issues are related to my lifetime of being bullied at school and on the bus, the constant feeling of not being enough, people pleasing, perfectionism, and disconnecting from my own body. Running away from my emotions, pain, and struggle has only created more struggle. My church taught me that love is conditional, my female body was shameful and needed to be tamed, and I could not trust my own mind. Trust and obedience to male authority figures who claim to speak for God, had been the expectation. I also feel stuck. I don’t recall much about my childhood but I do remember being bullied by my older siblings, and neighbor boys who made me feel like I couldn’t even go on a walk on my own street. I was successful in my pursuits for a long time until my body said ‘no’. Since then I feel like I have been losing everything.

My heart goes out to this poor guy Michael, how cruel can someone be to treat someone like that. Michael you are brave and strong, don't let someone put you into any hole. Don't feel guilty for finding a friend to confide in. Stay strong, and you will come through it all.

"Spare the rod, spoil the child" was my dad's favorite thing to say

Beautiful letter. My main thought about your critique (for lack of a better word) is that Michael said that his parents home was all he could afford. That’s a brutal limit to have to accept. Perhaps questioning that choice and deeming it as a lack of power is not helpful. Sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to do. He knows his financial situation. I take him at his word that he’s doing this out of necessity, not weakness. Having our needs framed as weak or stigmatized is the disempowering part.

Michael: you are making such progress! I’m so inspired! I hope you will take Anna’s suggestions to heart. I’m 38 … you’re 39/40? We can do this!!!

Jehovah's Witness life all the way. I know it well, having been raised strictly in it. Horrid results come from staying in or leaving it for your freedom, and I'm glad you're seeking some help. Leaving those high control religions and cults is another whole beast for us but you are not alone

Fear of abandonment ...go in cause it's yourself you have abandoned with p. Pleasing, no bounderious inner and outer, all coming from fear. When you heal your codependency on externals to feel safe....it's self abuse. Go in to you and fill that Emptiness you have carried and fill it with your own selfhood and Holy Spirt. You will begin to truly heal...by doing it alone. Go silent hermit mode, radical self care daily. A self relationship will happen. That is the power Micheal. Your power that no one can take from you. Live smart by doing your shadow work which changes your old reality. Blessings to you.

My husband's first marriage was much like the man's marriage you talked about in this video, right down to the religious aspect (my husband was a Mormon). And yes, she did her very best to ruin him when he agreed to the divorce she demanded. Fortunately, 20 years hence, he's doing MUCH better. But he still tries to people please all the time.

“You’d have to run a truck over me to convince me it wasn’t an affair” 😂 i love your sense of humor, it’s makes your videos fun to watch

Thank your for this one! It inspired me to start reading “No more Mr. nice guy.” Hopefully, I can begin the journey of becoming a recovering nice guy /people pleaser / simp / toxic empath.

The photo is perfect. THAT was me for so many years. I still work at getting a little distance from situations when I feel something has gone horribly wrong, but nothing was wrong, at all.

Woah, making someone your higher power...great insight in my tendency to pedestal people

OoF. The title alone is the reality check I needed.

TYPE ONE DIABETES: A Glucose Monitor is $35 cash( Freestyle Libre 3) lasts 2 weeks so $70 a month. Prioritize this!!! Your sleep quality is worth this!!! My son is Type One. MAKE THIS A PRIORITY FOR YOUR MENTAL HEALTH

Landlords control you when you rent - you don't have this imaginary "freedom"! Especially in the lower price end of the market. Landlords can be toxic & abusive too! Better the enemy you know (your parents) than the enemy you don't (landlords). When rent is 30% of your income or less, then renting is a good idea. When rent is 50% of your income or more then it makes life a big struggle. Between 30-50% depends on lots of variables, other expenses & circumstances. But with many places having such high rents, more & more people are going back to living with their parents.

When I was born, I travel in another Countries with my parents and my oldest brother. Because my dad was in the army. We finally came back to the USA when I was 5 years old. My parents got divorce when I was 7 years old. My mom as I did live with her and along with my younger brother. We would be moving from one residence to the next and the same as moving from one Sate to the next without thinking of what is doing to her two children. My oldest brother move into his dad's house. Every time that my mom wants to move away from my dad as she couldn't live in the same State. We would jump right into it from moving to another State. My younger brother and I change schools to the next and making new friends of every time that there is a major moved. Then when I became an adult, I did have a hard time to live in one residence for years to come. I am on a very fixed income because of my mental illness and my depression. I do take medications but anything can trigger something inside of me. I need to know your feedback.

I paused the video to write my comment above, then you also said people get autoimmune conditions when we have CPTSD. Then I saw your hand you have vitiligo an autoimmune condition my husband had PTSD from his life as a police officer, he also had vitiligo ,Crohn's disease. Oh my goodness. Later he got non Hodgkin's lymphoma what a tormented soul my was. He passed away 12 years ago. We are also affected by our childhoods, some are exsposed as adults through our work for example my husband was exposed to gun violence as a cop and US Marshal,others from war. Mine was from childhood he's was from an adult situation it's really no different both affected dramatically by the trauma!

My whole childhood I suppressed my sense of self and any wants I had to try and please my Mom and family members. I'm done with that now. But it's like...a part of me yearn for affection. I need it but I'm too scared of asking it to my family. Scared that they might do it just because I ask, and not genuinely. Scared that they might abuse it. Where do I get the affection that I need?

Wow! That was intense! I really feel for his situation. Very thorough and good advice! Thank you❤🙏🇨🇦

Mindfulness as in the Zen buddhist practice that Michael mentions is very helpful for emotional regulation. It has been the key tool in my CPTSD healing. The Plum Village app is very good for example with meditations, body relaxations etc.

Sending hope to Michael! In so many ways it took me so long to see the cycle of abuse! I kept making excuses for my abuser, hoping for changes that were never coming! Now that I can see the truth, some habits simply take time! You are making wonderful strides of change, feeling happier, and safer for sure! Keep up the good work and you'll begin to understand why being in the basement is counter-productive. As they say in program, one step at a time! But for me, it begins with stopping comparing myself with others! You're worth it! You'll see! Anna, you have been such a blessing to me, informing me of truth and helping me to understsnd the trauma and how it clouds how I see myself (too much shame), others. and life in general! This year I realized that I was giving away my power, so I started to take it back, setting aside moneys so I am prepared for future changes and choices! It's amazing I am becoming my own protector finally!

No more Mr nice guy I downloaded the PDF it is an excellent resource and I identify with everything in the book and it provides solutions for my journey thank you Anna 👍

Heal before looking for love... real love is not this toxic and soul-destroying.

Thank you Anna for all the work you do. You have a wonderful gift and I’m so very grateful x

This is me. I am the older child. And now my younger sister blames me because she sees me as a second parent... but I was only 6 years old and didn't know how to raise a child. Now we are almost estranged. I have to let my little sister go, because she talks to my mom but blames me for everything. Hardest thing I've ever done. Now that she hates me, I'm fully abandoned. Its patience & strength I ran out of, not love. I only had the self-worth to walk away 1 week ago (thanks to the Crappy Childhood Fairy)

Micheal sounds fantastic 😊 very inspiring his story.

“No more Mr. Nice Guy” can apply to men who are married to men, too.

His wife is still manipulating

I can relate with Michael about being brought up in a Fundamentalist home with hypocritical parents where religion is used in an abusive form. I am glad Michael has left the religion and finding his true self which can take years. However, most people confuse religion with God and they are definitely not the same. It is important to have a faith and relationship with God totally separate from any religion. It is OK to be a non-religious or non-denominational believer in a God who cares and loves mankind.

I would be curious as to what illness this guy has, a lot of people with childhood PTSD get autoimmune conditions. I personally have 3. There is help available in the form of off label use of a drug developed many years ago for another reason it tricks the body into producing endorphins. I hope this man reads this message or anybody else who's got autoimmune. Do your research into LDN low dose naltrexone, it was nothing short of a miracle for me an many people around the world. It also helps my mood. I am a work in progress in regards to CPTSD but my health is a lot better.

I think he said his grandparents were the ones who abusive and disconnected not his parents….

Dear Anna, You rhapsodize for all our sakes. Gotta love it. Like someone else said 23:00

Oh god!! That was a very sad shape of things..I hope n pray n know this will change..Not only for the one writing the letter but each n everyone on this platform.

i loved this book, it s very good. 'no more mr nice guy' is a book that worth read again, and if was in Portuguese, I would give to my friends

Now at 81 I am developing my sense of self! Took 6 decades of recovery work and folks like Ms Anna our Fairy Godmother!! Today i listened to Dr Phil's terrific brief series on narcism and learned that my Mom had used me up as a child -- well into my adult years, even when I had a family of my own. She kept me waiting on her and was an ever so subtle narcissist (cover). I lost my sense of self, my hopes, dreams, develpment, etc. and so forth. Thank God for recovery. I am having a blast now, with three businesses!! and so much fun. Have resolved family issues, relationships, as best as can for the time being. Hooray!! It's worth the work.

This man's journey sounds like mine even down to the chronic illness I found CODA so useful too... I am also at the stage of opening friendships up. Well done and thanks for the advice. I am in the UK can I still join your membership and calls?

Very timely like usual dear fairy God mother!

What an interesting story!🥰

This hits so close to home me!!

Cut the ties, find yourself and your authenticity and watch your chronic illness evaporate.

Can I just say: The thumbnail picture of you is so cute! ❤️

I have learned that I don't care if someone likes me. Its about if you have enough or some type of respect for me. We don't have to agree on anything but if I'm only speaking my mind about what it is that has bothered me over the years and its my truth on how I may have taken the actions that was presented to me . Than that's how I took it. If you can talk to me like an adult and tell me it was different or apologize than that's good. I never in my life have really spent time on who likes me or not. It was more about the effects you may have on someone you know has grown and is no longer a certain way. That's when you are able to have a conversation with that individual not for others to hear. I lived to long in fear already and I'm sick of seeing all of these suggestions popping up. I realize all my traumas and it was about feeling protected. So therefore I'm over all of this. No one will ever protect me so I need to protect myself and stay away from those that bring all that negative crap my way. Something I was already doing but somehow I end up in this situation because someone wanted to expose my traumas for their own personal gain because they are a narcissistic pig and hopefully justice will happen. Anybody that uses past trauma against you is a messed up individual.

At least he could recognize the role he played due to his childhood trauma. That does take effort.

Honestly stay away from the fundie guys.

I feel for this person. Life is hard enough with balancing taking care of oneself, family, work, spending time not always having to do something. And With chronic illnesses you don't get to have those choices. You have to gauge what your body can do for that time. Its Coming up on 5 years with 2 extreme chronic illnesses/ chronic pain conditions #CRPS 2 and #atypicaltrigeminalneuralgia I wish I could have at least gotten through my twenties and 30s. The health issues have completely changed literally everything in life. Basically got to wipe the slate clean. because everybody decided to freely walk out of my life. or they guilt me because I wasn't the same person after as I was before the brain surgeries from tumors.

I really appreciate the work you put out here for free, but seeing my country (Turkey) blocked on your website has made me feel sad really, I used to access the same page(How to CALM CPTSD Triggers Instantly) last year, but now I can't access the blog pages, it says "Country Blocked Access to this page is forbidden" I get your newsletters and I've requested and received a link to the pdf, but same thing happened there too 😢 I can use a VPN but I feel like I'm not welcomed on your website. That's a little sad. We are deprived of proper health care in terms of psychology in our country. You are an invaluable source for us who seek help. I hope you may reconsider this decision. But either way, thank you so much for all the information, experience and hard work and being so Generous as to share with the world.❤ I can not thank you enough, you are a gem 💎

Omg. Light bulb moment. I have recently had surgery and been off work for a short leave. I dug into Jung and shadow work and came across cptsd from the KZfaq. I could relate to the behaviors but couldn’t put my finger on the trauma. I have been listening to your show and have found relief or seize fire in my mind from it. Right now I have realized tho I was never physically abused I was raised in the Presbyterian church. I also had 2 sisters. I found I was always trying to stay in my Moms favor. I feared expressing my true self for the fear of rejection. I conformed to her beliefs which were the church’s beliefs. I recall anytime I said or acted outside those beliefs I would be responded with disgust or shaming. “Matthew, what’s wrong with you? I would hear so I stayed quiet or purposely stated things I did not mean or feel to gain acceptance or just to keep my mom happy. Turned into people pleasing push over who does anything to keep the woman in my life happy even when I don’t agree or mean what I say. I have lost since of self. I try to figure out what needs to be said to stay in good graces. After 47 years I don’t know how I feel or what I want and it’s just easier to be alone. The deconstructing of my childhood is painful but necessary. You are a healer. I am sick and I am grateful I have come across you.

Damn, that was rough.

This one i feel would be best to hear from both sides.

Michael’s letter was engaging and well written (respectfully). Hopefully someday you (Michael) will explore writing. I am not nearly as engaging and well written as you, but writing really gave me a direction. Plus, you can read them to your kids if they are still young 😂 P.s., I couldn’t make friends for 10 years, so I get it.

This sounds like someone who left Jehovah’s Witnesses. Run and never get sucked back in when life becomes challenging. Good luck🍀

40 is baby! You’ve got time to get into another relationship.

His wife reacted the way every living woman will when around a man with so much pushed down toxic anger. I’m the most mousy subservient easy going woman ever, when I spent 6 months with a wishy washy “nice” guy I became an instant fish wife. A man who takes his power makes you feel safe and you won’t cross him.

Ms. Fairy, I really like you. Thanks. 🫶🏻

Amen.

I am not fully bought into just Michael's side of the story. I would really want to hear the other side of the story but I do feel for Michael, especially the sadness of him going back to his parents house.

❤ Anna, Anna, ❤ I feel like singing that childhood song finding words to rhyme with a name🤭fe fi foe fanna, Anna! My favorite part of any and all your videos is .. ..at the start, first few seconds , you pop on and always have the most profound introduction! Like, instantly grabs me.. bc people on KZfaq always have a boring redundant introduction, and talk way to much about their origin and themselves . But you Anna it's like you offer the answer)cure/solution. Before you talk about the problem... Your like! I'm Anna if your ready to take control of your relationship, then let me tell you I was digging in an old file and found my list that I've been using for 28 years and I'm here smiling to say its still working for me! 😂❤😂❤

You know what makes a person far more invisible and alone than being in that one kind of context willing to be flexible concerning what is called "-boundaires-" -- Having what is called, "Paranoid Personality Disorder" - while having Narcissistic traits too. People like that in their old age can be best described as being cat ladies or hoarders of everything including dogs too.

True! I learned to be slightly aloof years ago and MORE people are likely to be kind to me. I follow the way of the cat. Cats flee when you approach them, but if you ignore them, they'll beg for your attention.

Very real but also very secular explanation. Many religious families (not only Christians) raise their women to be dependent on the man and the man is expected to be strong minded, but the problem arises when a man is not strong minded, the woman is demanding because she does have 3 kids to raise and he basically collapses. The community becomes useless as well, so then the relationship can not work. Where was his community and why did they not help when he was at that point in his life? Why was she cheating and not putting her family first? Why did he not want this life but agree to it-there is a massive disconnect.

OK now I need to know if you don't have a role model parent how could you be a good parent for your children even if you don't know how normal parents act with their children ? How can you heal your self and your child together I reeeealy want to know how

I knew right away it was the mormon religion! I was born and raised that way. God got me out finally at the age of 52!

That was my older brother. Me the younger, was beat. When I'm angry and in a relationship, instead of getting mad at them, I bite my arms, slap my face and pull out my hair. That's why I'm remaining single. They just think I'm crazy anyway. Married 5 times.

It is terror!!! For a long time!!!

Damn.

❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

I do not have much of a comment other than that sometimes a marriage counseling is a waste of time and money, especially in a case when somebody has so much power and control like that other wife had. To me it does not seem like that she was willing to change herself at all. In this kind is situations it would have been better to focus on yourself, your own therapy and get the hell out

My mother had severe emotional and psychological problems, and it meant that i grew up with the ingrained belief that her perpetual malcontent, rage and bitterness were due to us being "bad kids". Shocking really.. but it's true. Typical Catholic guilt trip ongoing etc.

💓

15:32 ailments

Sounds like mormonism to me from what you said Anna

Very dramatic situation of Self victim created stories of Selfs experiences...... What about the wifes story ???? Narcissists are doing fine and 👍 ok, in present day history . What title will this time period be given?

Can we do a go fund me to get him a glucose meter for his daughter?

I am not swayed by this one sided account as to who is at 'fault' for the abusive and toxic relationship the man endured. I have every sympathy with the gentlemen as I see he he lived a tortuous existence. But the reality is that from day 1 of his marriage he was not available for a relationship. By his own admission, he served his primary need to avoid abandonment and that required him to be inauthentic. This is understandable but manipulative and deceitful of course and his dysfunctional presentation will have been felt by his partner for the next 15 years in what must have been an 'uncanny valley' of things that never 'added up', and quite crazy making fro her. She will have wanted children which is not unusual, and it's likely this was known prior to marrying. He embarked on that part of the journey despite having a hard line on the matter and not wanting them. He did so in order to continue to 'keep' his wife snared and essentially hostage, which a form of gaslighting. This is also completely understandable but abusive to her and the children in ways none of them could ever fully perceive. For the lady to have been attracted to someone who energetically lacks power shows her own deep seated insecurities. Typically, only people of similar levels of security maintain longer term bonds. The lack of power exhibited by this gentlemen will naturally have been accompanied by many other indirect means of getting his needs met. There would be no avoiding this and it would including some, if not all of, obfuscation, passive aggressive, procrastination, and indecision, which would have been very hard to bear. His wife will have been strung along in the belief that they have more in common than they actually did for years and then ultimately been drip fed the reality over time through his resentments and inaction. She will have taken back alot of the decisions in order to feel satisfied eg where to live and holidays. And she will also have taken advantage of his inability to show up for himself as seen by his harrowing accounts. Neither of those people was available for a relationship and they were terrible and damaging role models for the children who will have been stamped by their dysfunctional template despite the well intentioned also kindness displayed. I know, because I have that man and I see myself in his whole story. I am also that woman. Byron Katie will do 'the work' on any situation and show us what 'reality' really is and who we are, which isn't about blame, because there is no blame. It's about getting the tools for change which is one of the the only ways we ever stop the cycle repeating as it will.

That pencil sound 🙉🙉😵‍💫😵‍💫

Honestly if he is... you don't understand religious trauma, huge factor!!!!

"Michael" is a cult survivor......like many of us...

❤💛💚🎀💙💛💜

I don't really want to say something perceived as negative but I do wish the fairy pencil was either at the beginning or skipped... interrupting the flow always feels disconcerting. Always great content of course.

Sounds like he's making excuses for his mother.

With all of the auto immune and chronic illness diagnoses…. I really want to suggest to everyone in this story to get tested for Lyme disease. It’s WAY more common than people think. And it can act like many other diseases. Specifically auto immune and MS. Can cause a ton of pain…. I have it chronically, but it’s so so important to get treatment. I always say to people; if you’ve ever walked on grass, it’s possible to have Lyme. Get tested

Sounds like a Jehovah's Witness!!!!!!!

My God people, we are truly all messed up in our own way, our parents, our families - everyone. There is such power in this recognition. It is okay to be messed up! The only thing that matters is that we are here, striving, yearning, learning, looking for ways to heal. To anyone who is reading this: I love you. Being the way you are is okay. In fact, it is great. We all carry scars and they make us us. Don't ever give up. Keep going and making your life a happy place for yourself. You can do this. And you will. And I will. WE will heal together. Love to all of you

Hi ❤@lorraineamicothemakeupartist yep

This is my brother younger then me eight years younger then I when I got thrown out she beat me but never my brother but alote of this video is him I see him in this somewhat ❤@lorraineamicothemakeupartist