you are really lucky to have your partner not only be emotionally open enough to tell you to back off but also not abandon you for it. A very admirable trait. I don't think I could do it. I would feel the 'threat' of the rage hanging over me once I'd experienced it once. Much too stressful.

May I ask what this looks like?

Interesting. I just ended a friendship with someone who raged at me. After 4 years of being an incredibly supportive friend, when she turned on me, I had no problem walking away. In the past, I would be the "difficult person" whisperer. Thank God I'm over that.

Same experience here🙌😊

@@villaineramatriarchy What an interesting perspective, thanks for sharing!

Flip that message to a man I was attracted to in the past who whenever I tried getting close to him would act like a Schoolboy…

@@villaineramatriarchylmaoo so act immature in front of guys, great advice 😂 if you’re here watching these vids you should probably look deep down yourself before you start judging those guys.

@@villaineramatriarchy so your strategy is to act immature yourself to see their reaction?

Stop centering your life around men.

Thank you ,satanzsister , I have been dealing with brief memory flashbacks. A flood of emotion hits me.

Right. My mom was an alcoholic and would rage. I imagine from 1 day old to 3 years old I don't remember the raging but my subconscious sure does.

@@villaineramatriarchy nobody is “trash” if they can’t deal with another person’s issues. I have empathy with people on both sides of the trauma fence, so to speak, but we should also all be allowed to protect our own energy.

Anna Runkel is an incredible teacher. You might want to also look at the teachings of Kim Sage and Pete Walker.

Sounds like you have a great partner. Don't beat yourself up. You can't control how you were raised.

That book was life-healing for me. I’m thankful for it.

I’ve been in situations with covert narcissists where they actively cause disasters with day to day necessary things (though go to great lengths to make them hard to attribute/blame them) to *force* me to use my time and energy dealing with those disasters instead of seeing what they are doing and leaving safely. And I have seen folks do it to others several times too. It’s very disturbing when I’d gone to great lengths to avoid co-dependent behaviors, only to have someone manipulate and sabotage the environment so I have to choose between fixing it or having kids get sick, bills go unpaid (and credit issues), going bankrupt, burning out/losing a job, getting in trouble with the government, etc. and when i confront them about it, get hit with gaslighting, manipulation, escalating sabotage, etc. Especially since at the beginning it could be a legitimate thing a person could screw up due to stress (once maybe) - but in those cases it wasn’t. But by the time it starts to be obvious it wasn’t legitimate and is actually predatory behavior, the stress has built up and burnout is starting, which makes it even harder (or impossible) to leave without major real damage to oneself. The IRS doesn’t much care, for instance, why joint taxes were done a specific way - both parties are on the hook regardless. And a job everyone needs to survive is only going to be understanding so many times when you need to call in sick last second, or can’t meet a deadline, because the person who promised you they would take care of something the kids needed just didn’t do it - despite promising over and over again (and pretending) that it would be done until it was too late to deal with it before it was an emergency. In all the cases I saw, the behavior only started once they felt they had adequate leverage that it was not possible for the targeted party to leave safely or without major damage. Specifically, kids - and during tougher economic conditions.

@@KZfaqhandlesaresilly agree with this - it’s beyond frustrating and soul crushing and you feel like every time you put out one fire and can make progress, they create a bigger fire. Finally I could not take it anymore. He underestimated my extended family support system and even his family sided with me bc they saw how toxic his behavior is/was and loved their grandchildren enough to stop bailing him out and help me to move on. The trickery can only go on for so long until finally everyone is fed up and realize the narc is THE problem.

It's true. Sometimes it's just better to write stuff down and try to counter perceptions and feelings with observable facts. Or if the facts do corroborate the feelings, figure out how you got in that situation and how you might get out.

Make sure you don't blame innocent people. What I noticed with codependents - some people really do not appreciate yet codependents often take their anger on nicer people thst do actually appreciate. Another problem (done it myself) - complaining about life to friends. I Def did to much if it without realizing how inappropriate that is. Noticed it with codependents as well. No hate towards codependents.

Learning to manage cptsd and it’s ravaging behaviors is easy and satisfying compared to the the painful, difficult, devastating, crazy making life we live before we learn what cptsd is! Healing is worth every single effort it takes to get free from the constraints of the past! Fear is what keeps us stuck! Courage means we feel the fear and do the healing work anyway! Be Well🌻

Congratulations on your progress & thanks for being here! Julie@TeamFairy

Jesus is the way. He has healed me too. I'm still a work in progress. God bless you!

Jesus is not the "way". Worked for you? Goody. Please don't proselytize on these kinds of channels. The church is filled with abusers and pedophiles. Everyday we hear of one more "youth pastor " who sexually abused minors in their care. So please stop posting that your way is "the" way. It's disrespectful.

Wow! I congratulate you, it sounds very hard to do!

The instinct to fix or rescue....it must be really hard to ignore. I'm at the opp end of spectrum, I'm the one people are always trying to rescue or fix. Not so much these days, but it comes up, in every new group of people I meet, at least 1 will try to tell me what to do under the guise of being nice , or "doing me a favour". I run for the hills, now that I recognise it's just another codependent, using me to satisfy their codependency, but I have a lot of empathy for it because we're just two sides of the same coin.

I'm so sorry for your loss...but so glad he willing to work on himself and healing before he died...I wish my dad would do the same. ❤

@@thoughtsonredbudhill thank you so much….maybe if you tell him how much his behavior hurts you & you’re afraid of him….that’s what I said

Thank you for sharing. It's a common thing for folks with CPTSD and their partners. Even if the relationship didn't continue, it sounds like there was at least sincere love and concern while it lasted, which means that it was worthwhile. My kindest wishes to both of you. Julie@TeamFairy

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy it was sincere... thank you so much for your reply. 🫶

I was thinking similar. I really can’t imagine someone actively struggling with CPTSD, to the extent of needing to read Paul walker’s book together and watch CCF to get through things, would be with a completely secure and healthy partner.

Could you please clarify what CCF is? Thanks

@@estelaalonsoPsicoterapia Crappy Childhood Fairy, this channel host....Anna Runkle

@@estelaalonsoPsicoterapia crappy childhood fairy

That's an accurate description of an emotional flashback. I assume you've read Pete Walker's book? If not, do so for sure. You might also benefit from Daily Practice to help with emotional flashbacks. bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Julie@TeamFairy

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you for the support!

I have a very similar situation with my sister.

OMG, please be careful with this dynamic. That was my experience with my mom too and it almost consumed me, both mentally and financially. This is going to sound harsh, but "her trauma was more much accute than mine" is an ill-constructed, child-like impression, like it's ok she mistreats you, and you are bound to tolerate it because "she had it worse". No, darling, no one has that right over your life, not even your mother. We wouldn't admit it out loud, but she's abusing you by placing this imaginary blame on you; she might portray her suffering as sacrifice, but the truth of the matter is she's choosing her own needs over yours. Don't try to fix her ("help her to heal", does it ring to you?), she's an adult and she has the obligation to put her sh*t together, as much as you have the obligation of putting yourself on the first place. Work on yourself, you'll find your way.

My mother tends to blame others for the lack of financial ability on my father and myself when she used her savings and retirement funds to aid my tertiary education and serviced my father's debts. Idk EXACTLY why she'd still hold it over my father's head, but I do think she had very unrealistic expectations of roles within marriage and only my father has to bear for most of the bigger expenses (including my education and health needs) despite her full-time job income in the past. I don't like being around her too it lowers my mood.

@@Dan_Chiron I totally hear you. It's because I stand up to her that we get in fights, unlike with my dad who just capitulates. I am working on myself, especially working not to let her energy in. Doing the daily practice has helped a lot.

Playing advocate for your dad: he's stuck with her, you're not, you have a whole life ahead of you, he's old, you get to have the fight and go home, he can't, he has to stay there, it is enormously draining to fight with someone who isn't looking for resolution and just wants to fight, he has (possibly) figured out his survival strategy, you're figuring out yours.

I'm so happy to hear that :) -Calista@TeamFairy

Good call! That's the "power of the pause." Hope you had a good DP! Julie@TeamFairy

Glad it was helpful! Nika@TeamFairy

It can be fun to do chores together. For example I grew up in a big family. I learned that doing dishes by hand is great for family team building/unity/leadership. It’s also very fast and gets faster with practice. Everyone does the dishes every time there are dishes, you just rotate the job. (Gathering and giving to washer person, washer washing, rinser rinsing, dryer drying and putting away, adjust based on how many people ate.)

I'm starting to have my doubts on whether I can keep my mentally healthy and emotionally stable partner after 1 year and 2 months. We need to have more conversations about this issue. Because it's hard for me to give up on him and I know I can't turn my back against someone healthy and stable for me due to my lower self esteem and possible C-PTSD

Well, I think that what Anna was saying is that in order to make the relationship work, both people have to be willing to invest in learning what they each can/must do to make it work. As far as abstaining....I am choosing not to be in a relationship right now because I know I'm not yet ready for the relationship that I truly want, which is unlike all of the relationships that I've had in the past. Best of luck to you on your journey.

When you work on your healing journey, especially fixing your attachment style, dysregulation, etc., You'll attract less and be less attracted to people who've not resolved their trauma.

​@@boomboom1258you should talk to a therapist rather than your husband, most of the time

@@aintnoneyabusiness7634 I would have given the same advice as @villaineramatriarchy, and I know not all men are abusive, BUT I also know what they say is absolutely true. As for having “trust issues,” men in general have shown they’re not that trustworthy. Don’t blame us for being wary.

Ofc the best advice would be professional help and not from us who are also here for our reasons 😉

Don't marry untill you both have separately done the inner work....healing, owning, being present to what comes up, name it, locate it in the body, it naturally releases. Blessings.

​@@ShintogaDeathAngel I've seen more men be trustworthy than women. It doesn't matter a man or a woman, Some people are trustworthy and Some are not.

Wonderful! -The Fairy Team

You got this! -Calista@TeamFairy

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you ❤️

Being startled is my kryptonite. Ugh.

I startle easily and loudly, but it doesn't really stick with me at all. It usually scares the startler[?] more! I've actually lost the ability to be tickled. I hear it's trauma-related. I almost miss the ability to be a little ticklish once in a while.

Oh god, yes, especially when you’re screaming at them to STOP and it falls on deaf ears.

Do you know what causes BPD? Exactly the same things that cause CPTSD. There is very often a massive overlap. You are here wanting to learn, and that may be the only difference. Unfortunately, where they are at may be where they stay at, unless they also want to learn. But you can't make people change. Which I know (😢) can be very frustrating.

@@bridgetveldhuis4473 I've got to agree with the dude here. (To take your stupid woMYN-SPLAINING feminist "mansplainning" word back at you.) Too many women here, so I'm not gonna visit this channel much anymore, if at all again. "ACCOUNTABILITY IS KRYPTONITE TO WOMEN"-- great quote I heard from somewhere, and all you chicks know it's true too even though some of you are not guilty of it

Janina Fisher has some talks here on KZfaq, she feels it’s CPTSD not BPD. And honestly I’ve heard it from so many.

Ugh, yes. The worst. -Cara@TeamFairy

Yes, you'll make it :) -Cara@TeamFairy

A disaster, I suppose 😢

As a mom, the love I feel for my child is not the same I could feel for a romantic partner, but my kid comes first. You must be addicted to toxic relationships if you think that you have to be someone's everything and that person has to be your everything. No healthy relationship can be built on that. You have to allow people to have their own lives, families and interests while making time to be with you and being fully present. If someone is your entire world, if the relationship ends, your entire world will come crumbling down. It is bad for you and narcissistic to expect that from another person. I also used to believe that romantic love was devotion and pain and fell victim of that. And also, the man is too old for you. Baby daddies are some of the biggest rats out there, so instead of seeing the son as a problem, try seeing if the man is cordial and respectful to his ex and a good father. If he is not, run for the hills. He will treat you the same way.

You’re not gonna change your sexuality by accepting your feelings. I’m a woman and didn’t turn into a lesbian by shutting my feelings down!

@ShintogaDeathAngel I believe men and women live different conditions and experiences related to their sex and i want to know what makes a difference because I'm pretty sure it's easier to heal for women since they are the more social gender of both( men care for women, not the other way around), not critizing or minimalizing the harm done. Even if I want to socialize, my energy is so negative that whatever I say, I'm the abuser in their eyes. So yes, I think we live different experiences related to where you're coming from as a person and sex is not an exception.

If there's a problem everywhere you go, the problem is probably actually you, the common denominator

Nobody is perfect or mature all the time maybe in some cases u need to be more patient. Sometimes the person that triggers them or something needs healing too

Or the how u deal with people being triggered.

Yes exactly! It's your responsibility to heal your wounds - not somebody else's. Someone else CAN'T heal you, especially not by giving you attention. The person who traumatised you is to blame for your trauma. What does a stranger have to do with that? NOTHING. So it's no women's responsibility to heal you.

Join a community that's healing together. 12-step is a great place to find them. If there's no substance abuse component, some others that may fit are ACoA & Other Dysfunctional Families, SLAA, CoDa. TeamFairy

Going against the natural order and enabling the tyranny of the weak over the strong is the true root of all problems in human society.

I think it’s a biological thing taken to extremes, but a lot of “nature” is creepy and freaky when you look at it more closely.