I appreciate hearing this from somebody who understands. Isolation is a big problem for me. When I was a child, my main coping mechanism was fleeing and hiding. And it really worked. And the problem is, it still works. When I isolate, all my triggers go away. I feel peace, happiness, relaxation. But then when things get bad in my life, I realize that I have few or no people to turn to. So I know I need to work harder at making friendships work…

When things go bad in my life - i want to talk to someone but find myself staring at my phone with no idea whom to call...

I don't even feel like I'm a part of my own family

Healthy people don't want to be around unhealthy people. I've tried for years to make friends with people that are healthy and they run from me LOL

In my 20s I worked with the elderly. I learned that most people remain in High School social mode their whole lives. I could look around the dining room and identify the social butterfly, the mean girls, the jocks, etc. The only difference was the wrinkles.

I always felt undeserving. I had a lot of trauma that centered around my mother and it made me feel unloved, unwanted and never good enough. That is what she told me and how she treated me That unfortunately bled into my personal life. I remember vividly someone telling me how stronger I am bcuz of the trauma, I said that "strength" came at a price. That price is never letting anyone in, keeping people at a distance, unable to connect, fear of damage and abandonment, keeping walls around my heart, being cold to others, the list could go on...

52 years and I'm still trying to figure out how healthy friendships and connections work...

I've ruined friendships all my life, as I look back I had bad PTSD. In a room full of people still feeling alone is how I would put it.

Being social is exhausting. Being social in a group is overwhelming. Thank you for explaining how I’ve always felt. I make plans all the time, but seldom follow through. I want to, but I can’t.

Listen to Anna I've isolated since I was 29 and I just turned 50 I found peace in nature and I love birds . Don't keep isolating because it don't get any better and you'll be 50 and very lonely and so afraid of trying to go out and make friends . Cptsd / bpd / bipolar are debilitating

I was isolated as a child- sent to my room, spent hours in there- for pretty much any offense or when I got to be too much trouble for my family. I developed a huge fantasy world as a child to comfort myself. I'm sure that has everything to do with why isolation feels so normal (but also painful) for me. To further complicate matters, I was bullied by friend groups multiple times as a child. I completely clam up in a group setting, too triggering for my brain. I watch and listen to other people telling their stories so confidently and entertainingly. I want so much to be like that, to feel at ease. But my mind goes blank and I never get a turn to tell my stories. So I feel people don't really get to know me. It is rare that someone will take time to draw my stories out or show me enough attention so that I feel comfortable. Much easier typing my stories online, but then I am sharing with basically strangers who don't care. I'm in two groups now related to my hobbies, but I'm still on the fringes. I keep trying, and I just wish I were healed already so I could stop feeling so anxious around people.

Growing up in extreme poverty, sometimes homelessness, my parents kept me and my siblings away from any connections that might lead to issues of discovering our poor living conditions or question my parents parenting. I went to home schooling at 13 since then only found friendship through drinking and drugs in my teens on into my 20s. Now sober going into my 30s i’m trying to work on making normal friendships through work or school but find myself isolating because of the traumas brought on through childhood isolation… Hope all us CPTSD’s move on and up ❤

disconnected rejected 3 words that represent my childhood unprotected i make friends easily but can never keep them. i'll never stop trying though

It is so frustrating. Big struggle for me. Never belong with whatever I try and get involved with. It’s all shallow for me and it sucks. I do not belong anywhere. People just stress me out. I am an isolated weirdo.

OMG I had no clue this was a reason of a trauma, I thought I'm just bad person😔 and couldn't figure out on how to make friendships to work out

You are doing so much for us traumatised people and you are extremely appreciated 🙏🏾

I have turned fully "weird". I've been isolated for about 7 years now. It's getting pretty bad. I wake up from nightmares of losing everything I love and I panic about my life going by and dying alone. It's horrible. I have not been able to find how to change things. I got to a point of pretty much just accepting that this is what I'm fated to live out, this lonely life... but I haven't completely given up. There's still a spark of hope in me. 🙏🏼

I have given up, completely lost navigation about people, nowhere safe and effort to get out of isolation has absolutely no guarantee... i worked myself out of my mind people-pleasing, being considerate, listening, and creating events, only to find out my best friend went after my man's attention and was snuggling and cuddling with him even when she got a boyfriend, other people exploited me for economical reasons so heavy it completely left me broke.... No matter how kind you are people could ruin you..... and being with other traumatized people very easily becomes a pity party, not helpful, not to mention the madness of the "law of attraction" and toxic positive thinking culture .....Our society is falling apart, and people being traumatized is a symptom of a more broad socioeconomically situation........ Take it easy people if you are like me and need time to even consider if people are to be trusted ever again.

A lot of times I feel like my life and experience are too toxic for others. I don’t blame everyone else. I just know it’s me.

Thank you! I'm 61 and have gone all my life and I never felt like anyone gets it. You do. I'm one of your tribe. I've been married 4 times. No personal friends. Never had any. Never was invited to things. And I want a friend but don't know how to.

I give give give. And I don’t get anything back. It gets ridiculous after awhile so. I continue to keep to myself

I liken my experience of being around people to a decaying battery that gets drained more quickly than others. I have to fake being “normal,” and it’s exhausting. The only time it was ever easy was when I drank, and when I stopped drinking, all the awkwardness came rushing back. Therapy has helped me learn how to fake normalcy, but I can’t imagine what it would be like to interact with people without the constant second-guessing of my behaviour and actions. “Weird” is a perfect way to describe how I am sometimes.

I’ve been thinking about what you said and I want to thank you. I’ve been a loner for so long, even though I was married for 40 years. My husband died 6 years ago. He was the outgoing one who knew everybody. I just rode his coattails. I had really good HR jobs, but it was exhausting dealing with people all day. Since he died, our daughter doesn’t come around. I haven’t see her or the grandchildren in 5 years. I’m mostly alone all the time. I really didn’t connect it to growing up issues.

I needed this video it resonated with me.I've isolated for 3 years only going to work and coming home. I moved because I was over an hour away from my family and friends. I still found myself isolated but yesterday I realized I need to do something about it so I joined a kick boxing class and started lifting weights again. I feel a live again. I'm thankful for this post I get it now.

I recently went to a paint and sip and realized how "weird" I was being. I'd say I've been having surface relationships, and it is definitely taking it's toll.. I always considered myself a extroverted person, but over the last 10 years it's turned me into someone idk and never thought I'd be. I'm so tired of feeling lonely. It's hard to find a therapist that can give me solutions, but I've moved around so much and my financial situation has changed I can't keep anything consistent, so hearing this, is like finally being UNDERSTOOD. I don't need sympathy, I need solutions. So thank you for this

I’m only 25 minutes in and this has been so relatable.. I feel so seen. It’s comforting to know that I’m not alone , because it often feels like it…. I start therapy tomorrow! I’m so ready to heal and begin to become a healthier human being 🥺 I wish everyone else the best on their healing journeys!! We got this.

First time here and I’m having my Aha moment. It’s as if you are describing me! Attracted to the wrong people.. fearful of getting close to anyone because you are afraid of being hurt and having a low self esteem and don’t feel worthy of being around successful people. Living in regret for my decisions that have put me in the position I’m in. Alone and I don’t even know what makes me happy anymore.

On top of the trauma, I was on gabapentin having adverse effects for 6-7 years and didn't know why I was so unwell. I just detoxed off the last 400mg so I'm still not entirely myself. I couldn't shower, take care of my daughter and I only ate oatmeal I could make in the microwave for over a year during the pandemic. I had no appetite and couldn't cook. It has been very isolating because I literally couldn't show up for other people let alone myself. I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact I have wasted so much time with nothing to show for it. I'm lucky I didn't lose my daughter, job and place to live. I was begging God to put me out of my misery because living like I was was more cruel than death. I have been through some stuff in my life but this experience topped it all. I don't even know how I'm still alive. I'm angry at my doctor for not listening to me when I told him numerous times that something was VERY wrong with me.

I was excluded from my friends group, or at least I felt that way. That was until I started posting what I was up to on social media. Suddenly it was like every body wanted to message me. I started to get invited to more things because it seems to be the nature of adult friendships - they're transactional. People want to keep close the lawyer, the doctor, the accountant, or just the arty one, funny one etc. So maybe people here should evaluate what value they provide to others. Or just demonstrate that you're satisfied by yourself so people don't feel like their company is an obligation. I busied myself with hobbies like cooking, hiking and photography. These are all things that I've been able to talk about with NEW people. I ask them for tips which makes them feel valued; to others, it appears as if my value as a person is higher. This story is just like Anna with her writing class. Edit as I'm listening: it is shame! The shame of feeling like I'm boring is gone. I've become proud of who I am without needing validation. As a teen I struggled with friends because we'd go to each others houses but never mine because I was so ashamed of our house. But don't forget to be cautious around the ones that made you feel inadequate in the first place. Not everybody can afford to travel the world but a particular person made me feel like I was boring because I hadn't been anywhere.

I'm working on lessening the Black And White thinking....

I feel I'm at the end of my life and just nothing's going to change now, I wish I could have heard this a decade or more back. Thank you though - you do a really great job.

For the first time ever in my life, I am beginning to see myself clearly. I have done some things that baffled me and I’ve always felt like an outsider.

I have found my tribe!❤ Not many people understand that my mother left our family (in the 60’s) and my sister and I were raised by a hard working Dad. Escape from others was and is my way of feeling peace. I have tried to join groups and always back out. I’ve just never realized there are others just like me. Shame has been my cover for so long. Thank you for your insight and support.

Oh yes, this is me. I love my own time but I feel lonely. I have felt this way forever. Old soul. I rather stay by myself than get hurt badly again. I have my own family but I tend to stay at home a lot. I cannot deal with groups of people. I feel safe with my own little family but got no interest mingeling with others. I always thought I am introvert but I guess it didn't help having mentally ill mother who abused me almost daily. I just wished she would leave me alone. If I asked that, her to give me a break, she did the opposite. My first death thought was when I was just 9 years old. But I thought I can't do it because my dad would be so sad

I love the idea John shared (u brought up around 10 min into this video)… about being steered away from healthy relationships when we were growing up, and then how we either attract, or are attracted to, people who are leading messed up lives. I have done this repeatedly, and I determined my unconscious reason - healthy people intimidate me and I fear that they will see me as f*ed up so choosing people with broken lives (like my own) meant coming in as an equal. However, I would purposely choose people who I saw as even MORE broken than me! I thought I did this so I could be their hero or saviour, and thus they would never leave me. Sitting with that idea for several months finally broke open another layer deeper, that it’s really ME, refusing to let ME go, I have not been hanging onto these relationships because of them, but because of ME. It is ME wanting to save myself by proxy! Does this resonate with anyone else?

It's difficult to connect with people when you have absolutely nothing in common.

You are helping so much I'm in my mid sixties but I guess it's never too late

I'm hoping you get this message and see my points here. I've watched at least 8 of your videos and they're excellent! But here's something I've gone through: I've joined groups and NEVER shared my horrific experiences because it's just a social group: movies, jazz performance etc. But 98% of those people aren't capable of being there, and it's not appropriate to discuss that stuff. One woman was very hyper and detached. When it's just me, she goes on and on like it's a therapy session! Rest assured even successful people are often "squashing" stuff. Thank you.

I’ve been on a pretty intense healing journey over the past year. I’m newly divorced from a pretty abusive relationship, and I am now a single mother to four kiddos. I don’t regret it, I’ve spent a lot of time pondering the relationship, and reliving it. Marrying him, was the exact same relationship that I had with my alcoholic mother. Abandonment over and over. And my father with emotional abandonment. I grew up literally believing I deserved nothing more than that. Your channel has helped me see ME. What’s happening to ME, the why’s, and it’s touched me like no other channel has. Thank you. So. Much.

I’ve been around groups my whole life. I was even in the military. To me, groups aren’t worth it. You’re never real friends with people in groups…it’s all just one big show…who’s the coolest, who has the hottest gf, etc…there’s an intentional hierarchy at play here. The ones at the top feed their egos while everyone else either feed into it, or they’re painted as the outcasts. The best friends I’ve ever had were friends that I made independent of any group. I’ve never stayed in contact with a group friend. In fact, I feel like I’ve never REALLY known them. You could have a group “friend” that doesn’t even like you and you’d never know it because you only know them in the context of the group, you don’t REALLY know that person. Group friendships are always shallow.

My theory about why I choose wrong people: as a child I had wished someone could see my pain and help me. Now I try to be that person for others. Except with lack of clarity over my own boundaries and needs. Sort of like saviour syndrome. So that gets me in trouble.

I've been doing therapy all my life, no one even come close to what I got from one video with you. Thanks for that and thank you for the hope it brings.

Feeling really lonely for the first time in my adult life. Husband died 1.5 year ago. Started isolating and grief together. Hard cycle to break

Tried to make friends and to be included. End Result: i'd be left out very often from gatherings or they found their own clicks, after me. 😢 Not that i chose isolation. But it's isolation which chose me.😢

Dayum, I was just blocking someone on social media because we had a fight and I was thinking...dayum, why all my relationships keep falling apart, piece by piece. And then you posted this. I keep thinking I might be too picky, but I keep shuting down on ppl because I feel like they treat me like shit..or maybe I have too high standards😢 Its so weird. I feel flawed and at the same time I think this is healthy - to cut one sided friendships off. Very confusing...I dont know if Its my trauma responding or im just setting bounderies by cutting them off. When I forgive people they tend to go further with they shitty treatment, but then if I cut them off I feel like I might be too hard on others, so I just go along with shitty friendships that end up frustrating me more and more till the breaking point and I prefer isolation

I have been this way for as long as I can remember. Yes, I have finally arrived at the conclusion that it is indeed MY problem.

I’ve never felt this seen around all my problems. I’m astounded not just another person but a whole community feels similarly.

I was weird from 6 years old. I've always felt not included. At 7:10 This is all so hard. The only friends I have now are psychologists.

I don't see the value of being around other people & I know that's from my childhood. I have some horror stories (a therapist of mine said "just abused by EVERYONE" when referring to me. I have severe social anxiety. I'm basically afraid of people.

People scare me I am sooo alone! I grew up alone and I’ve sabotaged every time I entered a social group…. Your experience brought up so many emotions in me! I am trying very hard to break out of the isolation but it’s hard and I am 60 and wasted so much time!

I agree as I've been isolating too much due to lockdowns and grief but I'm a true introvert and have trust issues, I'm going to try to meet new people but 1 to 1 or in small groups or probably will start an introvert Meetup. I think introverts should not push ourselves too hard and gradually meet a few people at a time but rest a lot as well, as overstimulation in big groups is part of the way we're wired and not only caused by trauma. I love your videos!

I was raised being told not to bee too much. As a child, I was to be seen, not heard. And the idea that people who showed emotions were too much, fake, and/or unstable has stuck with me all my life. I apply it to me. Ugh! Time to unlearn that!

I don't trust or even like most people and have no interest in having anything to do with them. I've always been an outsider and do not enjoy how I feel in groups. I dislike the curiosity of strangers and don't trust over friendly people. In the end it's people who hurt you, it's people who abandon you, and it's people who always betray you. I've learned the hard way that people are dangerous even the ones with smiling friendly faces can turn against you in a heartbeat. No doubt there are good people in the world even great people it only takes a few bad experiences to destroy your faith in humanity forever. That which hurts instructs.

Well I feel called out. I’ve been doing this isolation and running away from friendships for an awful long time. Been trapped inside myself for even longer.

I wasn't socialised because my parents lived in chaos and had no time for such things, they didn't avoid it on purpose or out of fear, but John's perspective is also valid. When I'm in company of secure healthy people, I feel like a broken toy amongst shiny new ones. It really does feel like they are two-dimensional, the sad part is, that third dimension is trauma. I am looking for people with traumatic past to connect to on a deeper painful level, to be seen, understood, validated, not so we could cry on each other's shoulders but to provide support and grow strong together. ❤

One of the things I realized in my young adult life, once I was away from the "nest" (and with a paycheck, and a legal barrier, courtesy of the Navy) was that there was a profound difference between my mindset and that of others. It was particularly clear when I thought back about the mindset difference that had occurred between myself and my college roommates (a group). They had seen life as a broad vista of opportunity, so they always had their mental view on the horizon, while I saw life as a minefield, so I had all my mental energy focused on brainstorming the possible paths and what possible explosions might occur along that path. There's that military metaphor, wonder why I found it so descriptive of my life! "Nice people" seemed so artificial. I have found a good strategy, as an introvert (INTJ), is to pick an activity or interest that I have, and finding one or two ways to get together with people to share that. And not expecting too much from those groups, but at least having them.

We never know what pain other people have experienced in their lives. I always identified with the saying "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

I still have trouble finding my tribe… I recognize, as you said in the video, I don’t get involved because I fear being rejected as I was when I was younger… I always had to change myself to “fit in” with people who all seemed to be so perfect and as you said, I just wanted to be wanted and part of something… and those people never allowed me to fully be accepted so I started being an outsider and a rebel and I looked down on those that seemed to be part of the group. I didn’t realise how much I’ve isolated myself and how this has made me feel alone… assuming people don’t like you is a big part of the problem and I read once that if you go into a room of people (something I still have trouble doing) if you imagine that everyone likes you instead of imagining they are criticizing you, it certainly makes it easier to create connections… I’m a work in progress, but it helps knowing what the underlying reasons are why we are like this… thank you! 🙏

I’m 54 yo and I’m just beginning to understand how my childhood trauma has affected my life. I never understood my behavior. I couldn’t understand why I said or did the things I did. I always thought “what is wrong with you? Why can’t you just be normal?” I always felt possessed. Like there was actually something within me that took over my brain and said or did irrational things. I never went to therapy. I didn’t know about emotional triggers. And even though I know about triggers now I still can’t always identify at the moment that I’m being triggered. It’s taking a lot of practice to recognize when I’m triggered. Having never been to therapy I always labeled myself shy, withdrawn, a loner, homebody or antisocial. I never had a lot of friends throughout my life. I might have had one or two good friends at any point throughout my life. I always felt strange and awkward and that I was pretending to be normal. It’s been a lot of work and it’s tiring.

This really hit home. I didn't really think I was isolating because I'm around people a lot, but I'm not really connecting with a lot of people. I keep them at a distance until I know I can trust them not to hurt me.

I have friendships that are decades-old, for which I’m grateful. As I get older, I realize we’re all different levels of damage, we all sort of “stumble through”. And although we confide in each other, we tend to need our distance after a deep share. A better dynamic than some people, but not the level I’d like to see.

The first time I went to my partner's house to meet his parents, I was shocked. He gave me a heads up/warning and disclosed that he was disgusted by his parents, etc. He felt a lot of shame, but trusted me, knowing I wouldn't turn and run. They were hard working people, but clearly had problems. What's inside is externalized. I walked into a hoarder home. The only thing of comfort for me were the two dogs. Never had I seen such a mess before. Basically a super run down home that had years of neglect. Piles and piles of stuff everywhere, cobwebs, no clean surfaces, etc. I remember feeling sorry for the dogs, for my partner, etc. I was in shock. I realized that I was not dating his parents and he was not them, etc.

Isn't everyone, at least a little dysfunctional? Strive for excellence, not perfection.💖 Perfection is an illusion; and excellence helps us grow. Awesome video!🏵🌷🧡

I'm still leaving friends, not even trying to be a part of a group. I haven't gone to church for several years because I'm forced to shake hands when I don't want to touch or be touched, don't want to speak or listen to others.

I have had childhood trauma, I was abused by my parents. You are absolutely right. Thank you for this video

These videos are an absolute treasure, I'm so happy I found them. I felt isolated my whole life everywhere I went, and it was totally self-induced. It feels like everything falls into place now, and I see my problems aren't as unique and weird I thought they were, which means they are fixable! A million thanks to you, Fairy!

What I’ve noticed I do to mitigate this is constantly surrounding myself with new people so that I don’t have to confront the fear of intimacy…new church, new group, new friends, etc. thanks for calling. This out!

Wow, I couldn't check all the boxes more acuratelly.. I've done it all, and I am in that dark place, no friends, saddness and wanting to stay forever without romantic relationships. I felt pride for being that person that is always there for others and sad to pass the most difficult times of my life alone. I had my fair share of violence and neglect in my childhood as you can assume and hearing all this made me even more sad, because I tried and failed to fix my self. I need reprogramming ASAP, lol. Thank you for your enlighting speech I send you a big hug, from Athens, Greece.

My friendships from high school fell out because we took different paths in life but I do have a problem creating new friendships. It's hard to trust and I anticipate they will take advantage of me, gossip about me, not like me, etc. It also doesn't help that I don't have a lot in common with people 😅

Just downloaded the daily practice, all your videos on every subject hit too close to home for me, CPTSD, the narcissist mother, alcoholism, limerence, divorce wounds, trauma bonding, gaslighting, nice guy syndrome, new age escapism, magic thinking, feeling neglected, abandoned and rejected my whole life with a deep desire for isolation and at times death to escape from dark realities, deep bitterness, rage and resentment at others and myself for failures, these truths are crushing and terrifying, and I've even spent thousands on counseling to help myself get out of these destructive behaviors. Nothing worked yet. I'm now going through triggers that are tempting me to isolate and rage at myself in an intense emotional grip. And perhaps I'm also "oversharing" here as we abandoned and neglected children seem to do this out of our desperation for any feeling of being cared for by our parents or friends. Sheesh... anyway thank you. My own history of alcoholism, parental divorce, my father's death and suffering from cancer, drug abuse, and self-sabotage has really screwed me up in every facet of life. I'm damn near broke, a 31-year-old college dropout with no degree or certifications for a better job. No spouse, no children, no home. I've broken addictions but some still remain. Nothing fills me with more dread than making an emotional connection with someone, from day 1 I expect to be discarded and I usually am, or overshare and they run away, further solidifying my apparently false belief that I can't get help or being "too much." I'm even a caregiver now as a job because I'm still living the fantasy of "mr helper." Mr Nice Guy is more like it, which is why I'm still single, it sucks, so ill do the daily practice and see if my Simp mind can grow up. LOL

You have described my whole childhood and leftover life..I'm so grateful to have found you

Thank you for your words. As a child I too have a similar upbringing, no direction, rejection, abandoned even in the same house, but God brought other family, teachers and friends to help me realize I was ok. It was a journey of several years and still things pop up but Christ has carried me through. Thank you again for these pod casts that help explain all the yuck we experienced.

I resonated with so much of this. I just got out of a 90 day treatment facility for my alcoholism and I found your videos while I was in there. It definitely aided in me piecing together a lot of things about myself. I plan on trying out your courses a bit further down the line when I'm out of my IOP center thank you 😊

I don't or never use to have trouble in groups. When I was living in the San Francisco Bay area (back in the '90s) I never had a problem in social groups, I always had (well most of the time) friends and a social life. Fast forward several years, my then fiance and I moved south to San Diego and then to the suburbs to buy a house. I had friends who moved up from San Diego with us and bought houses in the area, but later left due to housing crisis and whatever. So for the past 15 years I have only had a couple of friends, well not so much friends and just people wanting something from me. Constantly asking for favors and getting almost nothing in return. I have wonderful neighbors and have tried being their friend. I've been invited to birthday parties and other social gatherings but when it's a more intimate setting I'm never invited. Even though I reach out, invite them for coffee or on the rare occasion we do entertain, they do come but I still know that I don't fit in. I know I'm different and have come a long way to find my confidence through the grace of God and am fine with who I am. I am a good person despite my problems, dealing with both bipolar disorder and cptsd. I'm loyal and always willing to help. But it's not enough. I do extend friendship but I feel like my hand is getting slapped away. It's taking a toll to the point I'm exhausted to be around people. So I revert back to my shell and just have to believe my children, animals and last but not least God is enough.

47 and this is the first time it has ever made sense...

Thank you for putting words for what CPTSD is like and why people with trauma acta like we act, and have the knowledge of that we are not dumb or that there is nothing wrong with us, we are just wounded people. Requote: Being social is exhausting. Being social in a group is overwhelming. Totally agree, I am a social and talkative person, but being social makes me really tired sometimes and I feel bad about not be able to fill my whole potential. I have many of those Seld-Defeating behaviors that you have on your list. Gosh, I am such a broken person.

I happened upon your content. And recognized the loneliness aspect in my life so decided to watch this particular video. I have just sat and cried and cried and cried. From the first seconds you basically describe me. How I have stormed through my life. How I have held myself apart from others. How my behaviour has affected others. How I have always decided that others are bugging me, not me enjoying massive self righteous overreactions. The relationships I have ruined. And how kindly you put all this. So no one feels judged or dreadful. Not even sad, because you are promoting hope. Get some healing she said. Thank you so much for your wisdom, your knowledge, your kindness and perception. Thank you for taking the time to talk to us, others in the same club, to shine a light on the way to wellness.

I knew instinctively, by the age of 4 or 5 that I was literally in my mother’s way every day of my life. I was not wanted; or at least my mother never ever made me feel as though I was wanted. She never ever made me feel as though she was proud of me but honestly she really had no reason to BE PROUD OF ANYTHING where I was concerned. Parents who are unwilling to invest time teaching their kids a handful of skills or if they withhold affection, in the end they inevitably wind up with some deeply scarred adults that they chose to neglect as kids. As these children grow into adolescents and eventually adults, derelict parents have the audacity to harbor shame and resentment toward their own children for being lost incompetent adults with no direction. My mother was not a bad person but she failed miserably in how she parented and I have spent decades trying to sort out the absolute mess she made of my life. I rarely see anyone and the scary part is it doesn’t bother me in the least. I prefer isolation. Loneliness is something I don’t experience. What’s most difficult is having to deal with the constant pressure to attend family gatherings or various social events. I simply do not want to go to anything that will demand that I’m engaging or that I wear an exhausting smile or a pleasant. The most perplexing thing for me is that I’m struggling harder now with the abuse and neglect I endure in my early childhood than I did when I was actually living through it. Even at 20 and 30 I was able to cope far better than I can now. I’m exhausted and finding it difficult to even hold down a job at this point. I sincerely don’t know how others overcome the pain of constant rejection and abuse and then go on to be high functioning successful adults. Many of us never marry or struggle endlessly to have happy stable marriages or relationships and so many never have children. I feel like a weak failure as a human being. The fall out from neglect is lifelong for some. It leaves you with feelings of self doubt, a sense of worthlessness, hopelessness. Adults of childhood rejection remain in a state of feeling lost and overwhelmed. Frankly, I feel as though there’s very little I actually know how to do.

Its funny. Watching your videos for my own healing, but then discover how much of the trauma is in other people too. Inadvertently discovering that nothing should be taken personally as most people are straggling themselves. Knowing this reduces triggers. Powerful.

I am relatively new to your videos and find the ones I have seen all so helpful. In this video, you have explained the need for social connection in such a compassionate way. Listening to the first couple of minuits, I wished my father had talked to me like that as I was a highschool student. He had noticed my isolation and said that the reason for me not having friends in the same age was that I was ”mentally crippled”. Until today, I was more or less unable to manage being in a larger group and I also have attracted a lot of people with unhealthy background. Today, after a marriage over 20 years with a narcissistic person I am slowly healing and pushing myself little by little to connect with people. It is so exhausting, and somehow I still tend to push back kind hands from healthy people. But I go on trying because I do not want to live the whole rest of my life in isolation.

My brother physically abused me as a child, he was 9 years older than me. He would lure me downstairs to "play" but it always ended up with me being hurt and crying. I thought it was normal. My mom would save me and scold him but he only stopped when I got older. I was a very young, naïve girl and easily manipulated. He has anger issues as an adult and we are not close. I have had nightmares my whole life, I don't have good dreams, ever. My dreams are always about someone stalking me and trying to kill me. I have wondered if that has something to do with the stress and confusion of that situation as a young child. As a child I used to sleepwalk at night and my mother would often find me crying in the bathroom. I do not connect well with others, I have chosen only a few close friends. I do not bother with superficial relationships. I probably keep people at a distance so they cannot fool me and hurt me like he did. The friendships I do have are high trust. I am not lonely as I have my own family too. I enjoy my own company, and hate going out into crowds. My parents have both passed and I no longer speak to my brother, I have finally realized how truly toxic he is , and that he is not normal. I have cut him out of my life for good. I have no regrets at all about it and am much happier since I have.

51:30 ahhhh not the "too much" critique⚰the one I get a lot to this day (at age 30) when expressing a basic reasonable need or disappointment is "you're impossible" or "you're difficult".

I tell everyone about you. They giggle when I say CCF, then when i see them again they say ....hey ive been listening to CCF. I love it.

What if you genuinely hate being around people? I get so confused when I think about the fact that I have no friends and don’t even want any. The reason I get confused is because while I do have CPTSD, I struggled just being in a room that had many people in it before the events that caused my CPTSD even happened. Sometimes I wonder if my isolation is who I am or is more of a symptom… all I ever want to do is just be alone and play music and make art and that’s just it

This video felt like a gut punch itself. I’ve isolated myself all my life. Human connection literally feels foreign at this point. I’ve even developed a fear of ppl….and I change number every other month or so so no one can contact me. I almost changed my number again last night because I haven’t heard from this guy I’m seeing in 24 hours…I cut off all my family n friends so no one can even reach me. At work, I flinch when certain ppl come near me. Smh I just want to belong. Forever. I’ve wasted a third of my life hiding in the shadows out of fear

I stopped having a mother when I was 4 years old and my handicapped sister was born. From that point on forward it was all about my sister. And when we said something the answer always was "You guys are normal and don't need me."

THIS is now my biggest concern. I turned 60 and I began to go "weird." Thank you for this. I am fighting my way back. I was hugely social when I was younger. 20 years after I started moving toward isolation, I have not dated, I gave up on it. I decided I couldn't handle being hurt, so I started losing friends. It will definitely be a slog re-connecting, but I am determined to do it. Thank you, Anna.

It's quite fascinating how crazy I've become this year because of loneliness and resurfaced childhood trauma. I'm in limerance for a girl that I think likes me back but there are differences so I decided not proceed. Then I discovered how lonely I felt afterwards. I want to message her and ask HER to reject me so that I can stop imagining us getting back together. The psychotic part is that I'm not sending the message so I can stay in the delusion that we could be back if I just ask. I'm enjoying the fantasy but it's put my life on pause. I'm in tears while gleefully smiling. I've never been in a relationship before and this was the first girl I spoke to in that way so I know for sure that my behaviour is not normal but my feelings are so heavy.

I love this video!! Your description of going to the 8th grade dance was so evocative, heartbreaking and sweet. Also what you said about going to therapy and the New Age nonsense and these bad relationships being "your teacher." Been there & done that. I kept staying in bad relationships (especially with family) thinking it was my "karma" and I needed to work things out with a toxic person. So many examples in the different clips are so relatable. We want to be the who we are, not defined by "what they did to us." Brilliant. Thank you again Anna for all you do.

I’m hearing this message and have genuinely been trying … a bit of positive interaction occurs but I find there’s a lot of challenges to making it happen when you’ve been on the fringes for any reason, internal or external. There are always those gatekeepers who don’t want me to be allowed “in”. Insecure controlling types. They are good at recruiting enablers who are basically open people but they take the bait and help the gatekeepers keep the gates locked. That’s extra hard to overcome. I think I just have to move on to a situation where there is not someone coordinating other people’s inclusion of a new member.

I don’t lose friends. I choose to leave them. And I have always limited myself to trust only one or two. I’m like that with Counselors and anyone who I allow near me. I choose who can be around me. I’m 57 and I’m bearly trying to figure out why I do this. Thanks to therapists who take the time to make these wonderful healing helpful videos. I have horrible horrible days when I just want to die and I pray and pray 🙏 and pray 🙏 and I open up KZfaq and each and everyone of y’all say just what I needed to hear. That just lifts off the horrible weight of my soul. Like I can breathe and see again. And then I’m so grateful that I’m still here. I go to my counselor and tell her what I learned on You Tube and she says; don’t be self diagnosing yourself. I’m in Texas now. My diagnosis is different in New Mexico. Right off New Mexico said I have Chronic PTSD. I had never heard of that. I was abused during my mother’s pregnancy as an infant, toddler, child ect. I didn’t get triggered with anxiety until I was 50. And I didn’t even know what the heck was happening to me. All I know was my brother was verbally abusing my mother while he was drunk and he is or was a body builder and he was huge next to my mom and we were in bed already. I came from out of town and I slept in my my mom’s bed with her. She got out of the bed and left the door open and I could see my brother standing over her and yelling at her and in an instant I started having a panic attack and I got up and I didn’t know what to do and I panicked and ran into the bathroom and locked the door and I was freaking out. I need to remove myself from the screen. I went back to the bedroom and got my phone and text my caseworker and she helped me. This caseworker is from New Mexico. Texas doesn’t have these kind of caseworkers. (Compassionate) not where I was at. Now I live here and I know what I’m talking about. Every time I have a panic attack like this it takes me like 2 months to feel normal again. Never had I ever gone through this as an adult. Until I moved away and lived in New Mexico for several several years. I must have felt safe there and went back to my family and it opened a whole can of worms I didn’t know existed and belonged to me. Wow what a horrible experience. My first reaction is always to do self harm. When I was teen I became a cutter. Early childhood trauma is so hard to do alone. And I choose do it alone. It’s so hard to trust people even Counselor’s. As an adult I know they are not perfect. But in my head they fk up if they something unprofessional. It’s so hard for me to trust anyone because the person who said would keep me safe. Didn’t and never will and it’s so hard to except that. I’m having a really hard time with this. But I know I’m going to get through this.

The hang out 6 times is a perfect example of why I listen to you Anna. I have sensed that being too open about my trauma put people off, but I would feel confused because I would read phycological things about being your authentic self, and being vulnerable and so forth are what creates intimacy in relationships. Yes, people have told me that I am so intense. I never understood what they meant by that. The inability to naturally, gently, navigate relationships with people based on it feeling right is a struggle for me. What a total relief it is to just have a number, an example!

23:02 The thing is this pushes me further into isolation instead of feeling the belonging, because those people "who get a soft heart" and can relate are also those who get tangled in many unaware, unhealthy patterns. I believe I have moved on from a lot of my trauma, I don't belong with the trauma-people but at the same time it's difficult to relate to those who have had proper lives and families for the same reasons you described.....

My auntie became really weird!! Like really! We have a lot of rejection sensitivity going on in our family and my aunt must have given up about 15 years ago, maybe even sooner. She was the center of attention when she was young, sleeping with all those men, very charismatic probably. Then she got a husband, cheated on him and he left her. That must have been the time it all really started. She was unemployed for many many years, disconnected her phone, ghosted all her friends and when shes writing me something online its like having a stroke. It feels like she has a thought in her head and only tells me the rest of it so I can't understand her most of the time. She visits us only once every two years and she straight up makes up stories in her head about me that never happened but I do believe she thinks them to be true. Like saying ive told her about a crush on a boy ive had even though i didnt knew him at that time I've supposedly told her. Besides I'm the ghost of my family I wouldn't tell them nothing about private feelings in the first place!! Learn from my auntie and go out! Try connecting even though it hurts!

20 years after my childhood I returned to where I grew up and began to work as a visiting nurse. I remember being so frightened that every house I went in would remember me and my family and the dysfunction, I felt like my pain and shame was a bright light that I wore on my back and could not hide. But this experience was exactly the opposite. Every home had their skeletons and issues and nobody remembered me and their issues were so all encompassing for them nobody cared about who I was or where I came from. It was so liberating and I realized I walked in shame and did not live and respect myself and felt so dirty and gross for 20 years and it was just a waste. Shattered that whole persona I had let take me over like weeds in a garden. Once I pulled these weeds thanks to this experienced I flourished in the most beautiful ways!!!!! Just wanted to share.

I remember being so attached to a friend when I was a kid but now I just couldn’t care less about having friends. I was abandoned by my mom and sort of just left to my own devices. I have a hatred and envy of people who have what I don’t have

I tried explaining how I feel/felt for years and then I found your chanel, it almost feels like catching myself in a mirror unexpectedly. I feel seen. Thank You!

Rejected by my own daughter. She chose the side of my narcisist ex. He didn't take accountability, blames everything on me. This on top of the trauma from childhood, the relationship with my ex, which made me isolate myself, is more than I can handle. Thank you.

I wrote out this whole other comment and by the end of it I realized a lot of my issues with friendships was that I was desperate for companionship. When I was younger I was overbearing, desperate to be liked, so much so that I tolerated really toxic friendships which really damaged me. Once I started healing, I've calmed down a lot, I enjoy my solitude, not desperate for connection, and don't talk much, but I'm still not actively choosing my connections. In both instances, I was letting people come to me, but wasn't actively choosing these people. No real vetting process. Though nowadays I move a lot slower and I'm able to recognize the red flags! But I could probably avoid them a lot sooner if I was more intentional when picking my friendships....wowza lmao. Time to crack open that journal of mine.

Gosh, 100%. I'm introverted and find people tiring, but love people, but am traumatised, but found it easier in online introvert groups. Sometimes it's been toxic people, sometimes I know it's been me. Other times it's been me, in a controlling church, asking questions and then being shunned. I'm still better one on one and have a few very good friends like that. I'm always pushing myself out of comfort. At present though, am getting help for finally breaking after 10 years of chronic illness and being rejected because of that illness. I have to live in the house but still do stuff for church and serve as a mod online. And I've noticed that I could turn "weird" ... and didn't like it. And, now, 8 minutes in, that's enough for now. LOL. My illness doesn't allow for long periods of concentration, but I really appreciate finding you on here and I'll work through it. Bless you. xx