Thank you so much for sharing this perspective from an estranged adult child. I am the parent whom was unwillingly estranged but, it was the catalyst I needed to see that the relationship wasn’t working for my daughter as well as it was for me in my own limited views and needs. I made her my whole world and that was too much pressure on her and she couldn’t lead her own life without feeling bad or guilty about my happiness. I am and have and will continue to work on me and being happy and fulfilled in my life with support and friends now and not relying on my daughter for these things because I never should have. I just hope she will give me the chance to establish a new and healthy relationship that feels good to her now. I love and miss her so much and I know it is as painful for her as it has been for me but, for different reasons. So thank you so much for sharing how important it is for parents to come to the table to learn and grow and understand their childs perspective in the relationship dynamic they have with them.

I admire your courage to put this out, and your willingness to give space for helping estranged parents to begin to heal a relationship. Sadly in some cases the message won’t and can’t land (for example in extreme narcissism) and so it’s hopeless even trying. In such cases I believe it’s best to walk away forever.

You have the most kind, compassionate and fair attitude from any estranged adult child that I've ever seen. The way you present your ideas to estranged parents is non-judgmental and does not condemn, but rather provides loving insight into suggestions that can bridge the gap. The fact that you acknowledge that every situation is different, allows for the many scenarios that have played out amongst estranged parents and children. I applaud, admire and respect your very evolved perspective. Thank you for sharing your helpful, wise and hopeful thoughts.

The cause of the break could be on either end, but there is a much lower cost to the child. The child likely has their own family all around them. They are comparatively fine. They won't feel it for years, but children learn, and the behavior they witness will become their normal. In twenty or more years, the child may find themselves in the same spot they left their parent.

Thank you for your video. My daughter left a couple years ago. I don’t have all the details as to why. I’m ok with that. I look forward to her and I having a blessed, beautiful relationship someday. I forgive her for everything and I hope she forgives me. I love her and miss her. I pray for her everyday. What you said from your perspective of how you see things, how you feel greatly helped. Your love for your parents after all you been through is beautiful. It gives me hope! Thank you kindly.

Thank you for making this video - I am trying to connect with my estranged kids. Too much of this topic is about the parents' pain, etc. I hope I can express myself as nicely as you have done, and thank you for wanting to help people.

Thank you for having the words I couldn't find. My family will never apologize. So even though the hope now died. Even though I feel abandoned. I feel free and saved. My family could never live up to basic boundaries. Thank you for helping me see that.

I don't feel anger, just deep pain and confusion. I have never blamed or reprimanded my daughter, tried to talk, to find out why, totally prepared to accept my part in order to reconcile.of course there were mistakes, on both sides. I'm so sorry if I caused my child pain. But my efforts were rebuffed. Now completely cut off.Love her so much, don't want her to feel the hurt & loss of separation.It is tragic to see this in a family, never thought it would happen in mine! I'm 70, broken, don't know what more I can do or say. I hope you find healing. Hear your anger, speaks a lot to me. Abused all my life, even by my kids, I wish I could feel anger instead of such crushing grief and sorrow 😢😢😢😢

The disrespect, threats, manipulation and lies ingratitude our adult children have put us through makes us want to avoid them. They have betrayed us and broken our hearts 😢

I'm estranged from my parents too. I never wanted this. I thought they would be prepared to listen to me. I poured my heart out to them begging and pleading them to listen to my perspective and they just wouldn't respond. Silent treatment, stonewalling. I do not get to be in the family unless I reflect back my mum's rosy view of herself. She disguises her shortcomings by attributing flaws on to me. Eg, it's not that she hasn't listened to me, it's that I'm attention seeking. It's not that she has no empathy and patience, it's that I'm sensitive. It's not that she has zero conflict resolution skills, it's that I'm aggressive attempting to be heard. Yes, it's a total abandonment wound. They have hurt me so much and they act like the victims of me. xx

I think someone needs to look to themself if they feel abandoned. As for yelling and screaming then that is extremely childlike behaviour. You can't move forward in a state like this and if you have an adult child you should be more advanced emotionally than that. My mother treated me like an afterthought. She had 5 children and should not have. She didn't like children. I put in the effort when she was older and my father died. Phoning her every day. The first 6 months were hell. It was same old, same old. I didn't react except when she was very rude. I told her I wouldn't accept that but remained calm. After 6 months she started to change and I ended up having a relationship I never dreamed was possible. She admitted she had been jealous of me! She ended up becoming my biggest fan. So, sometimes you have to do something, even for a long time, with no expectation of getting anything out of it. She died this year and it broke my heart but I am forever grateful and thankful for these last few years when she gave me love and I really got to know her.

Sometimes estrangement is a result of parental alienation. I am the scapegoat in my family system, and my adult children became pawns, just like I was. I wish I knew then what I know now. Been on both sides. It isn't always what it seems.

I have 3 estranged adult children, I blame my divorce among other things for the state of the relationships. I always thought if only my ex-wife could help with reconciliation it would be better. But I have been left to try to figure it out myself.

I appreciate much of what you say in your videos. Thank you for sharing your voice. To anyone listening, I think it's important to be clear that while many parents may indeed experience that real feeling of abandonment when their child goes no/low contact, it does not necessarily mean that abandonment is the objective reality of the situation, especially all as adults. That's often linked to their own childhood or past trauma for them to heal and not put that need on their child or grandchildren. Unless we are legally our parents' caregivers, adult children are not abandoning their parents by taking care of our health because we are not responsible to take care of them like they were of us. We can certainly offer help and find solutions when they can no longer care for themselves, and that's a kind thing to do and willingly offer, but we don't have to be around anyone if it's harmful to our health and well-being after we've tried to address and solve together the problems. I don't think any of us at any age has the right to assume we will keep any relationship for our whole lives, even family members or close friends. To me that shows either a sense of entitlement to relationships due to tiles, or it shows an unwillingness to see reality for what it is and accept change, which is very human to do. Sometimes it's some of both or something different. I've found this out painfully many times. People change, healthy or unhealthy. If it's unhealthy or if we're going in opposite directions in life or both people aren't doing the work for the relationship, there will be a natural separation that occurs. Some people are in our lives for a long time, and that's great. Sometimes it's also okay when people choose to leave or when it's the season to say goodbye for now. I'm getting better at accepting times and seasons for different things and people in my life. Thank you for your thoughts.

What comes around goes around.

I am so glad I found your video. I have learned so much, and you have made me look at this subject in a different light. Thank you

I had to accept that my estranged parent is happy to hurt others. She turned others against me as well. Lied so much that others have disappeared too. She disowned me, not vice versa. It caused me severe illness as I have a medical condition that is exacerbated by stress. Suffered through several surgeries without any family support. My wonderful husband had to carry all of it himself. On top of that she manipulated others too. Some people need to be no contact.

I do not see a horrible person at all...i see hurt and pain and want to give you a hug...i was an estranged child to my mom and now my child is estranged from me....all i don't want for him is the excruciating guilt that i had at the death of my mom

I am a Mom in a very tenuous relationship with my adult daughter… and I just want to say thank you for sharing your insights and feelings here! I think your words very helpful 🕊️

My mother is narcissistic so there’s no option for an ‘equal balance’ relationship as that’s not how she functions

Estranged parents need to understand that adult children don’t cut off for no reason! The connection between children and parents (especially mothers) is such a primal, core connection, and estrangement with parents invariably tends to spill out to siblings and extended family members too. It’s a fact that parental estrangement often involves estrangement from the entire family, or much of it at least. No one voluntarily chooses to separate from their family if there’s not a really good reason, at least from their perspective and experience. Obviously this doesn’t apply if there is substance abuse or a (professionally diagnosed) mental-health disorder, in which case estrangement and reconciliation needs to take place under a different framework. Parent - child estrangement is not really accepted in society, because it is no unnatural to the human psyche (even though studies (US) show that up to 27% of the population is voluntarily estranged from one or more family members, there’s still a big stigma attached to it. For children who chose to estrange from their parents there’s really not a lot of support or sympathy out there. BIG ❤❤❤❤ ‘S TO CHESS FOR THIS CHANNEL - YOU ARE DOING THE ANGEL’S WORK 🎉 From the numerous comments on this an other sites relating to parent/child estrangement and narcissistic/toxic family systems it seems many adult children choose to estrange from their families at quite an advanced age (50’s, 60’s - I sometimes even read comments by people as old as 80 who have walked away from their families in the last few years of their life in order to find what little peace and joy life still holds for them….and haven’t regretted it for a second!) Why is this I ask myself? Why walk away from financial and emotional support, especially as you get older? Why turn your back on a shared culture and history unless that culture and that history is too painful to tolerate? All of these comments are from mature capable people, with established careers, who have made their way through life on their own terms, many of whom have had and raised children of their own. These are not immature children having a tantrum. They are grown rational adults with proven analytical facilities, knowledge of the world and how it works, knowledge of themselves, and an understanding of the past and how it shaped them. They grew up and they judged you as an equal. If you don’t like the judgement try going for a whole new one…..But that does involve taking accountability for your part in the estrangement, because if you don’t do that, then you have no agency or control, no chance to make a better relationship between you and your adult child. But Chess is right in the heart of all estranged children there is a grief that we may learn to live with, but which will never fully leave us. We didn’t want to leave you, if we abandoned you it was only because we could no longer continue to abandon ourselves as part of the unspoken contract of continuing to belong to our families. Physical and / or Emotional abuse is never okay at any age and you shouldn’t blame anyone from seeking to protect themselves from that, including your adult child! If that means you have to face up to some tough truths, that’s okay, that’s a key element required for growth as a human being on this planet. But one this is for sure - we were born loving you, and unless the abuse you perpetrated involved you killing someone or something we loved and you are currently sitting in jail, then we probably still do, even as we choose to never speak with you again……Reconciliation is always possible - but you have to do the work and reflection you need to do - no short cuts!! Make the changes and the amends that you can! Don’t fake it - it has to be the real deal - we can see right through you and have been able to for most of our lives. But offer us something new, something real and tangible, and honest, even if it isn’t a fairytale dream……and I am certain that almost all of us would come running back to you….our very first love!!!

The hurt and pain is so real. I don’t want a relationship any longer. Let them go‼️

You are a beautiful person worthy of genuine unconditional love 💕 Experienced help is far more beneficial than professional help, thank you.

Thank you for sharing! Your thoughts are helpful to me!

Honestly, it wasn't hard at all for me...Well over a decade and still going strong!

You are so kind , and you are healthy in your heart and mind ! Don’t worry about the negative comments . You have helped me today , and sometimes I am so sad and ashamed that my 2 daughters don’t want me in there lives anymore . Please keep sharing experience and knowledge on this subject xoxo

Parents are not doormats. Let the adult children go, take them out of your will and have a great life

Thank you for sharing your perspective and opinion. I’m an estranged parent, it is silly to attack you. Some people are misplacing their pain onto you instead of processing their emotions in a healthy way. I wish you well.

We are estranged from.our son .....there is fault on both sides We are completely shattered and hope to re connect with him He should know that we luv him and his family we have reached out a number of times...I don't know what will hapoen but he and his family are luved and missed everyday we are broken💔💔

Lol, no narcissist wants to reconcile with their adult child, they want to be right, and maintain narc supply.

Thank you for taking the risk of speaking the painful truth in the hope that reconciliation may occur, even if only within one's self. Seems like we scapegoats are left alive for a reason, bearing unbearable rejection, to point to a sacrificial lamb of some sort. And, to keep to the metaphor, need to beware of hidden serpents (sociopath/borderline) triangulation parent against child.

Thank you for your insight. I read something recently that mirrored some of what you say. It was that adult children sometimes just don’t “have the energy to meet my mother’s needs.” I know this from the relationship I had with my own mother, and i prayed that I would not be the same. It is so hard to just leave it alone sometimes thinking that if I only say the right thing or send the right text or gift, it will create a bond. But the reality is it creates further distance because my son is at a totally different stage in life than I am. Not to mention the difference in gender. I’ve had to tap into my masculine energy my whole life to survive personally and that doesn’t help either. I have a lot of shame that I wasn’t perfect. And I see so many of those same characteristics in my son and subsequently go overboard with what I consider insight and, I’m sure, he considers this disrespectful. His father was a decent man but totally emotionally absent for his own reasons. We divorced when our son and my stepson were adults. I’ve tried to make up for that and stay in their lives but fear I’ve overcompensated leading to the distance. I’m rambling. Thanks again.

First thing: admit your wrongdoings toward them. Take full responsibility. Apologize for the mistreatment, physical, emotional. The neglect.

THANK YOU 🌺

Thank you for sharing your perspective as the estranged adult child.

What about the grandchildren? Abusing them by estrangement that they did not choose😢

I appreciate your perspective and everything you have to say, but what about our kids meeting us halfway as well. What about them respecting and accepting us. It’s a two-way street and I’ve said many times to my son just meet me in the middle. Little compromise but he wants everything done his and his wife’s way, and he wants us to become robots and that’s not a fair relationship or conclusion either.

A horrible divorce, and a step child who is now an adult wanting a realtionship. There is no fear, but very deep hurt .I can not trust her because of her lies during the break up. I do not want the luggage she is around from the ex wife. It is extremely difficult, and i was happier when i cutbthe emotional link , about 3 years after the break up, with no contact after the break up. Today, i am very unsure of my next step. My life is so different and have moved on. I do not feel wrong for not rekindling anything with this young woman who i have not spoken too in over ten years. Thanks for your video.

Take the pain away? Take it out? Easier said than done when you have almost nothing to go on. Part of the pain is just the silence. Even in therapy and helping myself, yet my child does not know of my growth. So when we come back together they expect for me to be the person I was. And of course we have to start from there. They won’t say, oh you’re so much better. Estrangement is just taking a break. Not solving anything. Could have been accomplished by some honest conversations. But they didn’t and chose no contact. What a waste of years and so much devastation that affected more than just the child and the parent and could affect generations. I hope you that are choosing to go no contact will figure out a different and better way.

3:49 it really breaks my heart to know my father is grieving that he no longer has the power to punish me in perpetuity for existence. At this point I want nothing but harm for him.

Thank you.

I'm so confused. I am the scapegoat child ofva narcissistic family and have been needing to cut off my own mother but haven't been successful and keep getting hurt. My son's father is extremely abusive and I fought with all of me to get us out, it nearly killed me. Now my son just parrots the abusive dialogue and has cut me out of his life. We had an impervious bond... until we ended up back near my mother in trying to escape his dad. I feel his hurt, but can only speculate because he won't talk to me. I was always seen as indestructible to him but our escape broke me. That's when our relationship fell apart. What can I do? I'm in intensive therapy and have offered hundreds if heartfelt apologies, taking accountability for not being the mother I wish I had been to him. He's become downright abusive. I don't know what to do. I love and miss him so much.

Estranged parents need to embrace the freedom they finally have to make any and all decisions moving forward without any obligation whatsoever toward an offspring who has decided to move on for their own healing and growth. They are a seed floating in the wind, a bird flown from the nest, they are gone and there is no more connection. Adjust. Be free. Turn and walk on with appreciation for the experience and never look back with any hope or expectation. Shrug it off. Fluff yourself up and smile. If you were strong enough to get through all those years bringing up that other person who needed everything from you, you are strong and resilient enough to adjust to life without them and create a new phase for yourself. Think of the money you will save! Think of the freedom you actually have now! Think of the energy you can now give to other children, friends, loving family members! You owe them nothing! Enjoy your life. Namaste

Thank you for this!

When you know you've done more than your best for all your kids but one is like her father and been well trained in narcissistic behaviour. No talking to her she's always the victim and tells people lies to make them feel sorry for her

Matthew 24:10-12 ( END TIME PROPHECY ON RELATIONSHIPS). 10 And then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another. 11 And many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many. 12 And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold.

I was an abused kid and still hung in there. My kids were coerced by their psycho dad to cut me off. He has the money. The reason for the relationship is blackmail. I have dealt with the pain and there will be no reunion. I was the one to raise them and paid for their college. I am not angry, just sad because I am estranged from the grandkids. They probably will come around when it’s time to pay for their college.

It hurts like no other hurt I've ever experienced. All I do is drugs and gamble to not feel or think about her. She's 26 and it's been 9 years

I’m supposed to be meeting with my adult daughter who I haven’t spoken to in almost 10 years very soon! At her request through my other daughter! I’m excited but nervous! Any advice??

How will my child know that I have been working on myself?

I never blame my scapegoat child for everything that happened in the past, I’m his ally. I blame the lousy situation. My son still continues with substance abuse though and is estranged from me.

I am wondering what to do about my son reaching out to me for the first time in almost nine years and him saying he loves me and wishes things were different. I am very torn about what to do. I had come to the acceptance, after trying for so long, that I would never see him. I responded that I have and always will love him and that things being different were always up to him. He will be 40 in a few days and there has been so much wasted time and the pain and heartache of being torn from my grandchildren, that I really don’t want to say anything else and I’m immobilized by fear of being hopeful only to be hurt again. The issues why the estrangement happened (according to him) is because I crossed some boundaries about going to see the kids and also giving them tests when they came over. I thought that’s what grandmothers do. A lot has to do with his wife also. I did a lot for her but I think she was always jealous of my close relationship with my son and also of the grandchildren’s live and strong bond with me. In other words, there was nothing more complicated than that. Any advice on how to proceed from this point? After almost nine years, this has been the first text saying this and not saying horrible things to me. I would appreciate any feedback. Thank you.

I'm estranged from my mom cause she won't admit I was there in my childhood. All I want is an explanation, I'd probably understand but she won't admit anything.

Why not take responsibility for loving others? Love is a commitment.

Just take accountability... It's so easy... Apologize. Also, genuinely change. Get therapy.

how do i reconnect after asking g her to leave because of a situation that hurt her dad and i. i have send her a message about how i was feeling thst day and how much i regret asking g her to go. she already had a place she signed a lease for. but something happened a before christmas and i asked her to leave at that moment. out of impulsively following my heartache and anger instead of taking the time to think. it’s been almost three wks and im dying inside. not a word from her although i know she’s save because she is communicating with her siblings. just never been through anything like this and im learning as i go!

I like your video I'm curious are you a parent yourself? How many children do you have? How's your relationship with your kids?

My husband is an ole cowboy and he seems to love the simple Obvious way of life. “ Grow The hell up adults , on both sides of the spectrum.” Love One another As Jesus loves YOU!!!’

Tuen be tue adilt you are and go talk to them!! Dont make videos grow courage and go talk! Voice tone and looking into eyes and all the communication you kids have forgotten is so important

She seems deeply hurt talking about this. Maybe she should reach out to her parents.

I guess you need to experience estrangement versus just blaming the parents. We live a selfish world...

Sounds like you still need to work through your old childhood issues.

I'm sorry for what you're going through but you have to realize when parents try and try to reconcile and the child denies any contact, that is a power play it is considered manipulation and kind of a payback for the time something happened 20 years ago that wasn't even your fault.? I don't know if you're a millennial but I noticed this whole generation is a tad self-centered and they're just going to pick up their toys and go hide in their room and not face their parents when their parents come to them. I wish you luck but maybe you should be the one to extend a hand back to your parent cuz she brought you into this world not the other way around. Pray on it

Sounds like you still need to work through your old old issues.

I am so sorry that you have had an experience with your parents that has caused you so much pain. I feel that you haven't actually been able to engage in a productive conversation with them. Please try to get some professional help. That may be more helpful for you than just venting on social media.

Are you a mother?

Word salad

I have seen many adult children choose to leave their parents. After talking with those adult children, I have learned that they simply did not have any desire to feel love, kindness, appreciation, need, or happiness with their family. They also don't forge the same with their own families. Have they sought counseling? Nope, not a one of them. From getting to know them, they were the ones with the narcissistic personalities but they put all the blame on their parents and other family members. Have they ever gone back? I have to say - yes - many times and they stayed until they got what they wanted from their parents/family - money, a place to stay, food - and then they left again with pure hatred in their in themselves. It is really sad that even when those who have bothered to get to know the people who left that they still don't understand that they dislike themselves and that they need to get help. I wish I could contact their parents and say to them - it wasn't you. It was them. They are takers. They are selfish. They will never give back. Let them go. The bad thing is that they are the parents and they love them and they will always wonder what they did wrong. Their children will not even discuss in a civilized manner what is going on. The parents couldn't fix it if they gave their everything.

Hi dear thanks for your video yes I put my rage and anger and frustration on my daughter who alienated me she is 22 abroad iam 57 and a single mother I have a lot of pain she did not wish me a happy Mother’s Day she was abusive during teenage years made me suffered a lot she suffered too she was with a Narcissist young père at that time today she strive she is brillant beautiful indépendant and she made me her last priority I am probably borderline so I suffer from abandonment I myself did not have a good loving mother she was violent suicidal depressed and narcissist and egocentric my daughter has been gone two months and it is hard she works abroad in Israel and stays at my mom the latter is just awful to me when my daughter doesn’t speak well to me she yells at me she is a narcissist enabler my dad is the same they spoiled my daughter and now my daughter doesn’t respect me I understand my role as a mother is done she is 22 and that I have to think about my own life I screamed at my daughter reply to me reply to me but she wrote iam inside a bar I can’t reply I will reply tomorrow I could not stand the fact that I would have to wait tomorrow I called her a manipulative little cunt and I was so angry iam sorry to be soft and feel guilty my family abused me now my daughter abuses me it’s a never ending road of abuse I had suicidal thoughts I wrote her that I was sorry but that she drives me crazy when she ignores me she said did this to punish you I don’t feel loved by her I feel judged iam totally alone I try not to freak out I just called my 82 year old dad I asked him why did you beat me up when I was a little girl in your knees using your belt he said I never beat up my kids he is a liar but he also helped me a lot with my daughter I feel trapped confused disoriented I know today that I have to accept my daughters choice or else I might get very Ill