I heard someone say recently "Your child has had to come to terms with the fact that they might have to live with the pain of you dying before they ever reconcile with you, and they’ve accepted that as less painful than living with you as you are now.” It's really resonated with me. I've been estranged from my father for a number of years, and made the choice to become fully estranged from my mother recently after years of boomerang estrangement. I had to realize that I've been grieving for almost my entire life and give myself space to fully grieve the relationship I've never been able to have with them after a lifetime of pleading to be heard and seen and loved.

I won't be attending any funerals. I'll send flowers if someone decides I'm worthy of notification. Physical abuse as a child followed by decades of mental torture has left a void where once a heart resided.

Both my parents died when we were estranged. It's the worst thing in the world. I held my mother's hand as she died and prayed over here. Her last conscious act was to push my hand away and roll her eyes at me. Tragic. Plus I was disinherited and left nothing. My Narc brother got it all. I don't feel guilty because my conscience is clear. Sending love to all my fellow scapegoats out there ❤❤❤

A wise man said to me: "Hope is just delayed disappointment."

My parents and brother died estranged. I think the greatest grief was in going No Contact. Death just finalized everything, nail in the coffin of hope…but also a sense of deep relief and peace.

I am estranged to my family of narcissistic abusers. I am the autistic scapegoat. I was diagnosed at 5 years old but my mother hid it from me and put me in the care system (and did not tell them). If I cried (even as a toddler) my mother would violently slap me and beat me. She told everybody that my autistic meltdowns (due to abuse) were demon possession when I was a child and I was going to burn for ever more in hell. When I was an adult, she told everybody that I was crazy and would try to section me regularly under the mental health act. They would break or steal all of my possessions and sabotage my relationships (even with my grown up kids). I have had to go no contact after a life of abuse and relationship sabotage. I found out I was autistic (at 50) when a doctor went back and checked my records. I had been lied to all of my life. When my mother and/or siblings go, I will not shed any tear. Due to my upbringing, I have c-ptsd, ADHD, type 2 diabetes, IBS and autism. Letting go of them is the most important thing I ever did.

There is no easy way out. To stay and be abused destroys your soul. You mourn them when you leave. You mourn again when they die. Bottom line is you must save yourself. We all have the right to feel safe, loved, heard. That will not happen in a dysfunctional family. Pave your own way. Keep moving forward. Don’t look back.

I wholeheartedly understand. You estranged yourself from your parents for your own survival. Don't apologise for it as that's your first responsibility. Take care and be well.

When my mother was dying, I sat on her bed and held her hand as she was unable not to, and as she would always otherwise resist/refuse. I looked into her eyes and said "I love you mummy".... she replied with "Mmm yes", so I said it again and with much love and conviction, "Mummy , I love you". And she finally said to me "I love you too Sophie". It was the first time that she had ever said it to me, but still I had to work so hard and show such need and sincerity in order for her to be able to reciprocate. This is now a small compensation that I carry with me for all the narcissistic abuse I endured.

To have a child and not see them as a parent is like dying inside.

I was estranged from my father off and on for years. But when he got ill and on his death bed,I knew I had to give our relationship one more chance. So glad i made that decision because through out the years we just bypassed so many things that could have totally changed our relationship. He was under hospice care. It gave us time to sort things out. To this day, it has given me a chance to live a healthier life. My father refused to take any medication for pain on his death bed because he wanted me to get all the answers i needed. This is no lie, i fell in with love with my father on his death bed. So many things we held inside, and so much anger i held against him proved to be not so important at that moment. I held his hand as we prayed together. The memories i have about my father to this day is that im still in love with my father. The forgiveness was more for me than my father. My decision to take this last minute effort was the right one for me

I was no contact with my dad for 20 years. My little brother went to live with him and "take care" of him. Got parentified. Brother turned in to an alcoholic. Dad died. My bro and covert narc mom did not tell me about the funeral. Did not tell me where or when. Dad got cremated. Brother took all dad's money and 4 bedroom house. Brother took dad's ashes and keeps them on a shelf in the house. My brother lives alone in the 4 bedroom house. He's too neurotic to work. Just spends dad's money and drinks himself to sleep every night alone in the house and has had 2 MRIs where he almost died from drinking. He's the golden child. True story. There ya go.

My narc brother died last year January after a long period of no contact... no one attended his sickbed nor his funeral. The grief was awkward, not happy but certainly not sad. Not even his daughters attended the sickbed nor the funeral. It strengthened me in my radical acceptance that he had been a toxic influence in my life being a narcissist.

I am 100 percent estranged from my parents and i will not be going to their funerals i am looking after myself now

Im glad you wrote a letter. Unfortunately my mom and I ended out conversation with me having to cut her off financially after she tried to kill me. I didn’t need to support her. It was hard to cut her off. But I never wanted her to know I was ever “selfish” like she painted me out to be. I sleep at night knowing I was kind in the end despite enduring what feels like a lifetime of trauma

Once that parent actually passes away, it doesn't feel anything like you thought it would. If you have anything that went unsaid, you will replay it in your head forever.

Went no contact with both pairs of parents after 22 years and it’s been a hard time. I’ve tried explaining to them, but it’s either ignored or met with resistance. I just graduated from college and am moving cross-country for myself. Especially now when living with BPD and CPTSD, it’s caused me to try to reevaluate a lot of my childhood experiences. You talking about the 1% of hope hit me hard because it’s an awful dichotomy. A lot of my family refuses to fully acknowledge all of the abuse, so it’s not something that I ever thought about. Self-awareness from abusive parents is almost impossible and it really hurts. I’m afraid of being happy when they die because I know I shouldn’t be. Sorry for rambling in your comments, but this helped me not feel so alone. Thank you for putting this into words that I’m not brave enough to say ❤️

Those of us watching this video get it. There is no joy in being estranged, and as the kids we do everything in our power to come up with another answer. In my case, my family betrayed me when I was at my most vulnerable and I had to stay away because they were harming me when I was involved in a brutal divorce from a diagnosed sociopath (aspd/npd). My mother died after twenty years of estrangement and it was difficult mostly because I knew I'd be misunderstood. Yes, the mourning has gone on since the estrangement began (and before). This isn't the way any of us wanted it to be.

My narc mother died today. Truthfully while I do feel relief, part of me does grieve what could have been. She had her moments where she was ok but those moments were few and far in between. She never attended my therapy sessions and I had to learn to be independent without her from a young age. Sure the rest of my relatives are calling me all sorts of names for cutting her off before she died (she passed from lung cancer), but I was and still am at peace for my decision to stand up for myself. I tried for years to have a good relationship with her but she mentally abused me and let my stepdad do it too. I was the family scapegoat but now I’m really free at last.

My daughter is bipolar and she has broken me completely. I love her and she has removed herself from me for two years. I believe she will be happy when I die. I keep praying that she finds peace and whatever she needs and I know I have done everything I can to be there for her. I am blocked from her and I am so sad.

As a estranged mother, I want to say I’m so sorry that your parents didn’t see what they were losing when you gave them the chance to have you in their lives , I don’t know what the situation was I can only speak from my experience with my estranged now adult kids , I wish to god I would have made better choices for my kids when they were in my life and I try to hold on to the hope that my kids will see that I have made alot of good changes in my life since they’ve seen me and I hope one day they will want to let me show them I can be the better person that they wish they’d had when they were young 💔

This is something I have been grappling with as I have not seen my mother for the past 3 1/2 years and have had no contact through any means for the past 1 1/2 years. She is 83. The last confrontation I had with my narcissist brother, he screamed at me...'you probably won't even come to my funeral' my, my, my......always about them but zero concern about the extreme trauma both of them caused me over these past years. I have gone back and forth in my mind about this, and what I have currently settled on is that I will not attend any of my family/extended family funerals. It has taken me all of this time to come to my current state of tenuous health, and that needs to be my focus and concern now. My mother has already removed me from her Trust as far as I know (that was her first threat to me in this process). It has been the hardest thing to go through to face that those who I should have been able to trust the most in this life have chosen to betray me. It is an unimaginable pain. It is horribly destabolizing. I didn't think I would make it at times. But here I am.

At 15 years old I was told by my step-dad I was worth more than I was being treated by family I got on the back of a horsevan and left for New Orleans thanks Ed I love you for all you saw in me when I saw nothing 63 now estranged from my only son I thought I could protect him from my own family why didn't I see what they were doing to me and him

My mothers last words to me were,”Will I ever see you again?” I was back from Belize,recently divorced,working two jobs,while living homeless in Houston,Texas. My Mom was in Connecticut. I worked two jobs to send money for my four children who were trapped in Belize. I endured horrible things no one should go through. My father had been a violent alcoholic and my mother submissive and depressed. I didn’t want to go back around them. I am sorry now. Years too late . Even if I had visited them once a month it would be nurturing to both I and them. I could have not visited when my dad drank. There were bad times but there were also good times. I got tremendous strength and determination and persiverance from them as parents. Nobody is perfect in this world we all come with flaws .

I am 8 years no contact with my entire family last month. I can’t believe it’s been 8 years. I am the scapegoat

My mother passed last week. We were estranged. I wanted to go see her. She told her nurses to take her off her machines to let her die before I got there. I'm experiencing way more grief and doubt then I ever imagined. I too know deep inside I did everything I could. I follow a hospice nurse and she really emphasizes if your parent is a narcissistic, they will be that to their core until their last breath.

I think it’s hard for family members to see that they’re not the only ones impacted. I can’t trust my boundaries won’t be crossed. They’re not bad people, but they’ve made me lose my trust in them. I’ve been going on for 4 years and can relate a lot to what you’ve said. I agree, right now the healthiest version of me is to be estranged. I am also uncertain of the future as my family ages. They want me back in their lives but I just don’t feel like I can give them what they want without sacrificing my own well-being. Thanks for the video. This topic was on my mind today.

I've been in grief since i was a very young child. Death is just a formality on a certificate. Though we might sometimes feel that the greatest injustice of all is to be written out of their Will, after we've suffered so much, spent most of our lives trying to heal ourselves that we didn't prioritise our careers and making money, it's best to not even think about that. The vultures circling them have been following the money all along, and would have secured their share and ours a long time ago. Hugs and love to you and everyone here.

I'm with you, I gave it everything I had, left no stone unturned . I have absolutely no regrets because I know I tried every single thing and they chose to erase me. There's real comfort in knowing I did everything and I think the deepest mourning has already happened. I am honestly frightened about the complex grief .... I feel it all so much I thought I wasnt going to make it so God knows how I'll cope when one or other dies.

The « parent» was only a mask, the narcissist used to get narcissistic supply. The person we feel grief for has never existed. It was just a fiction. What’s important is to grief the parent/caretaker we never had. And the fact that we can give our selves closure. Let go of the toxic hope. I’m not going in my narcissistic mothers funeral when she dies, her life has in a way never existed . She was just a fiction in the same way as going to the theater or seeing a show on tv. That is how i view her now. I’m going to cry and morn her death. And to give myself the selfcare i need. But reality is that she is all ready dead to me. The rest of the family never had contact because she was a toxic addict. My sister has turned into a narcissist also ( we are estranged). You are only responsible for your own health. You are no longer a codependent. You don’t owe the narcissist or the enablers anything

I went no contact in my 20's. I am now 57. I have learned that the narc will never concede to taking responsibility for hurting you. There is no apology or promise to do better. MY mother shall pass without my showing up. I accept it. 37 years has prepared me.

Old scapegoat here. I’d give anything to have a few last minutes with my emotionally abusive mother. Even though she was nasty to me and pushed me away(again) the last few weeks of her life, she was the only mother I had, or will ever have. We shared many years together and share the same blood. I understand her upbringing and what made her the way she was. I hold no ill will towards her.

My narc dad passed away 4 days ago. I have not felt any grief or loss. I went around 3 years with no communication with him. I honestly have never had any good relationship with him ever. I have felt like he has always played mind games with everyone in our family and has always been so abusive and controlling. Even up to his last day he was that way. Right now I am feeling a little guilty that I have no feelings of grief or sadness. I'm just ready to keep moving forward in my life, but I feel like my siblings are feeling differently maybe? I honestly don't know how they feel. But I have moved on with my life without him a long time ago. I think you are doing the right thing by doing what's best for you and your own mental health. I definitely will subscribe to your channel!

I asked my mother to move out of my home 2 years ago. She was draining me financially, emotionally, and putting a strain on my relationship with my daughter. Like everyone else, I could write a book on her unwillingness to care for herself. House foreclosures, car repossessions, she bled my grandmother, stepfather, and extended family dry. I was her only child. When I got her set up in an apartment, I still sent her money through my daughter who took her places. My mom would not come over for holidays, or speak to me. My daughter took her flowers and cake for her birthday, and her landlord came out and told my daughter that my mother had died. They had been trying to call us. Until the end there was no life insurance, no money. I paid to have her buried. It was a relief to get her out of my house, but I feel guilty that she died alone. I don’t know if anyone else is experiencing the guilt now that the end has come.

Thankyou, my 2nd year no contact. Your videos make me feel sane & validated. It's funny how so many of the/their scripts I've heard are so similar ie - "you destroyed the family". Apparently I'm going to "roux the day I tried to split this family up" said very recently to my closest friend by my Narc Stepfather. So it's still going on and I'm not even there... I'm 43 yo with an 8yo son, they have never even tried or asked to see my son. But frequently tell others how they're not allowed to see him. I definitely keep him away, as my Stepfather was doing the same to him he used to to me, and would also run me down to my son when he was 4-6 years old, when my son wouldn't have it or agree, he'd berate him and curse terribly, that's when I was around to hear it, don't want to imagine what was said when I wasn't.

I'm just happy that i was my mom's caretaker and was with her until the very end. She apologized for the abuse that my dad perpetrated on me, he abused her horribly. I will not acknowledge when my dad passes away and he's already in his 90s. I won't go to the funeral. I am totally done! I have had to grieve the betrayal from him more than once when I made the mistake of letting him back in my life when I shouldn't have. The abuse only got worse. I'm done with thinking about feeling guilty. That train has done left the station. This is been going on my whole life and I'm almost seventy years old. I just pray that I don't have to see him in the afterlife and that he does not see my mother either.

You didn't abandon your parents. They drove you away. Despite your many warnings, their abuse was relentless and they had no intention of stopping. When your parents die, prepare yourself to be disinherited. That's their plan. They look forward to it... That final knife job into our back. Don't worry that they never loved you because narcs are incapable of love. Celebrate that you never loved them either. They didn't trick you into giving your love to them. You only loved who they were pretending to be when they were in their "Make-Believe *_'we're acting kind now'"_* schtick that they would use to discombobulated & gaslight you with every now and then just to keep you off balance and make you question your own reality. You only love to they were pretending to be. That was never the real them. I speak from experience. Like in your situation, both of my parents were narcs. They both died within one year of each other. Yay. In both situations, none of my three siblings/golden children brothers told me of the deaths of either of those parents. In both cases, I found out by chance. End of the story is I'm disinherited like most of We scapegoats are. That makes sense cuz they never helped me while they were alive so, why would they after they die? They used the idea of the WILL to try one last jab in the back. Not caring disarms that intent so, do yourself a favor and expect the worst from your abusers &, when they die, do yourself a favor and maybe do what I did when both of them are finally off the planet & crank the song MEXICAN TAXI by Herb Alpert, pop a bottle of champagne and celebrate*_ding dong the witch is dead_* 🥂 Cheers ❗

I’m so pleased this popped up! My husband’s father just passed and the dad divorced his kids along with their mum. We did see him in hospital before he passed and my husband said what he needed to and forgave his father. By that time, machines were keeping him breathing, no brain activity at all. My husband feels a sense of peace he never had before. It’s gut wrenching to have a parent chose to leave you and live a whole new life with a new family.

My vulnerable narcissistic mother died about a year ago after being estranged from her since I was an 18. I'm 62 now. I always thought the only way I could be free was when she died. When I found out she had died it was a strange mix of emotions including relief, anger again for being abandoned one last time and grief. It took me time to sort out all of the feelings. I feel more at peace now and have closed the chapter of holding onto any hope.

Thank you for sharing your story and your perspective. I was estranged from my mom for 8 months before she passed away. I was 53 at the time, I have a thick skin having dealt with her all of my life. I was caregiver for her for 3 years prior but our relationship was extremely toxic and I was losing my sense of self and it became extremely unhealthy for me on a daily basis. I tried many strategies to distance myself from the toxic abuse, but nothing worked. All I wanted was to care for her in her older years and give back to her for the life she gave me but she didn’t make it easy for me mentally and emotionally. I had to leave. Sometimes it’s best to leave the caregiving for the professionals and not family. I held onto a lot of guilt and had to do a lot of healing after she passed, however, I now realize it was best for me for my own self preservation and protection.

I been estranged from my children for 17-years. When I had leukemia I didn't get a "get well" greeting from them, or during Covid did they care if I was alive or dead. I recently made out a Will and my kids are not mentioned in it. I leave them nothing. I got no respect from them, so I owe them nothing. All of the talk is kids separating from their parents. I believe it is fair game for a parent to just estrange from their adult children. When I die, I will be cremated without a wake or funeral. So there is no need for the kids to show up and express guilt or feel obligated to make an appearance to keep peace in the family. I frankly wish them well, but I am entitled to living my life and make my own final arrangements that don't involve them.

My mother who was the main, obvious narc died 4 years ago and I'm still recovering after all the c... before and after her death. I was in fact nc with her for nearly 2 years before she died, withdrawed in the last minute, cause I was just about to collapse and would no be able to rescue myself. People around m were telling me that I would be sorry, that I would miss her after she dies no matter what, that it would "come after me"...but it didn't. I knew it, I felt it and I was right....there was no missing, no grief,no sorrow for not seing her - nothing of a kind. I cried once or twice when I found some old documents about my birth and some doctors stuff and I was brought back in time. I cried knowing that I never had parents, not just no mother, also no father. But there was a huge relief after her death and then after some time memories start to bubble, and I'm still dealing with it, but it is just hate, anger and disgust for her. I'm affraid that people who have not lived it, will never ever truely understand. They will never get why we have to go NC, how painful and abusive they realy are, howmuch they affect our health, even if we don't expect nothing from our parents, they are stll leathal. I've kind of lost hope that people will get it. I'm from Eastern Europe and I've followed some discussions about it here in my country - about NC, about childhood wounds etc. and many people commenting were saying same old mantra_ you have to forgive, you have to let go, they suffered, too, or it was alchocol that made them behave badly. Maybe some of the commentators are narcs, too and that have children that went NC....who knows....but mostly people think it is overreaction, unfortunatelly. And also lots of people that were victims themselves are not willing to save themselves and take their parents c....I suppose the truth is rather grim and horrible and they don't want to see it no matter the cost.

I’ve already pretended in my head that I have no family. Maybe if they go before me, I’ll feel differently. In my mind I’ve already grieved them.

Blows me away that parents, the ones that bring you into this world, can be so callous and hard hearted toward their own children. Pathetic..

I mourned the death of my relationship with my parents when I realized they would never and could never change - that's when I went 100% no contact. Not expecting the death of their physical body to change much of anything.

I had two heart attacks last year from Covid. As I was on the catheterization table, my heart went into a horrible arrythmia and I was convinced that this was it. I was not afraid, but I was so sad that I would never be reconciled with my child. I hope that when your parents die, that you have peace. If they were abusive towards you, please don't feel guilty. If they were bad to you, they do not deserve to have you in their lives unless they own what they did and make ammends.

I am going through this right now. I have tried to practice what I might say when they are gone. This is the best I have come up with so far: "They saw what they wanted to see, they thought what they wanted to think, they felt what they wanted to feel, and they did what they wanted to do." "They were the way they were, good or bad, with or without me" "I tried my best"

I personally feel that when you go "no contact" you need to accept that you may never, ever see or contact the parent and their supporters again. To my mind, this also means you must accept that you are also voluntarily disavowing yourself of any potential inheritance. I really don't care to see any of them ever again. It's been nearly 25 years now for me. My half sister has approached me several times now, and I have simply kept walking. I realize that I will die alone, but then, we all do in the end. I tried going "low contact" first, btw, but I peronally suspect that low contact rarely works. When my parent dies, I can tell you that I wil essentially be indifferent.

This was a very thoughtful video and a scenario that a lot of us are thinking about. Thank you for sharing. I just want to note too that I feel you were very graceful in how you handled some of the comments here. Some of these "parents" tell on themselves. Hope you continue to heal and have the beautiful life you always deserved. 🧡

I understand what you are going thru. The same question has been on my mind. Seven years ago, I went no contact because of constant mental abuse for 50 years. My husband who I married in my forties is my rock and sees the abuse that I have endured although he doesn’t understand it. I did go to my stepfathers funeral two years ago. He was a loving man they abused also. My one regret was not being there for him and talking him out of not leaving my mother 30 years ago because I was scared I would lose him. The funeral was hell. I remained calm and even tried to comfort my mom, who I quickly realized that she wasn’t mourning. Oddly, I still desire love from my mom and birth father that I will never get. So I made the decision to not go to either funeral. Not because I don’t care or don’t love them but because I would rather mourn in peace rather than chaos and hate.

My father and I were estrangement for 26 years with no contact, not on my end. I begged my stepmother to see him when he was ill, but she refused, and said she was honoring his wishes. I asked her to pass on that I loved him and left it.... I did attend the funeral after receiving a phone call the day he passed... Attending the funeral was a very difficult emotional process, but I was very proud of my decision to attend... In one way, it alleviated my anxiety around the estrangement, and I was able to process the loss of the relationship..I would recommend lots of emotional support/ counselling because the pain lessons but the mourning carries on as part of the process....

One thing I realised is that nothing can change and the best thing I had to do was to stop caring. Once I stopped caring, I was free. It was 60 years of caring about my family that nearly killed me but I no longer care because my not caring any more is no different to them as me caring had been but for me, it's a massive difference. Now I am free.

As an estranged Mom, hugs to you. At least you reached out to your parents and explained your perspective. I hope you find all the peace you deserve in your life.

Thank you for this topic. Thank you. I've had my mother passed 2 yrs ago. You totally get it. Wishing you love through this experience

That's what I've been dealing with for the last 11 months since my mom passed. The loss of hope. Thank goodness I had already started my therapeutic journey. I wish you peace.

When my toxic father passes it will be a gigantic weight off of my shoulders.

I've commented on a few scapegoat/no contact videos over the years with my experience. It has attracted hateful comments from what I assume to be estranged parents who have assured me that my parents are living a much better life now that I'm gone, enjoying their last few years without such a horrible child, while meanwhile here I am counting years and being miserable and they hope I "wake up" and reconcile. I am counting years because it's not a joyful scenario for me. It's the same way you count years after someone dies. In time, it hurts less but you always are aware of the absence. But when the alternative is walking on eggshells, furious drunk calls at 3 AM from an alcoholic mother, bullying from a narcissistic father, and living in constant anxiety about what they'll decide I'm at fault for next, I would rather just not engage. It's really just deciding which pain hurts less and accepting it as an unpleasant accessory to living my life in peace.

I'm in the same place you are. I recently have gone no contact. I am not sure how to handle things moving forward. I have not written a letter, however I have not called them or spoke with them in over two months. This past week was my mother's birthday - I did not call or send a card. It was a very hard day. Like you, Chess, my folks are elderly. I have siblings. I did tell one siblings but I did not tell the others. Somehow I don't think there is a need. I'm still in uncharted waters. Thank you for being vulnerable. Most surely, it is not easy.

I found that I was completely indifferent when my mother died. We’d been estranged for 40 years and I didn’t attend the funeral. Early on in our estrangement I had thoroughly imagined what my life would look like without her and that included facing her death. After 3-4 months of ‘mourning’ our relationship I embraced my new life. I’ve never looked back or regretted my decision. It’s called radical acceptance and it’s very liberating.

I hear the pain in your voice when speak about your parents. It is so hard to go no contact. 😢.

Thank you so very much for sharing this, thank you. You are brave, strong woman. My story is similar to yours and your video resonated beyond measure. Sending you so much love and big hugs xo

My parents where abusive all my life. My father cheated on my mother and they made the unconscious decision to use me as they're emotional tampon. I was 5 when hat happen. But i don't blame my father for cheating because i know how hysteric and egocentric my mother is. First they tried to use my younger brother as the scapegoat but i was so disgusted by there behavior that I tried to protect my brother by calling them out on the bad behavior towards him. So in the end they decided to use me as the scapegoat. I was 7 when this happen. The worse thing is that my brother also turned against me and abused the situation to have a beneficial relationship with my parents. He is a real rat and coward. Always lying and manipulation the situation to his favor. I was never believed when something happen. My family never supported me when i was bullied at school do to lack of self confidence. Also because my younger brother urinated on a grave and told everybody it was me. And because we are only 1.5 years apart we looked very similar. (He told me this when we where older) As a adolescence i drugged myself a lot and had depression anxiety. I guess i wanted to escape reality. My parent didn't even realize what i was doing. The abuse became stronger and stronger over the years. Me wanting to adapt and have a good relationship but In the end there was an incident. I had to flee to the roof of the house because of one of many anger attack of my parents because i wanted to eat cereals at 10 pm. I slipped and open my knee on a metal on the roof because i was panicking full of adrenaline escaping to the roof. There was a lot of blood and my parents found it amusing. I hat to threaten them with the police to drive me to the hospital. But my mother only drove me to the railway station and the rest i had to go alone with a open knee bleeding like crazy. The story gets even crazier and more traumatic when after this event my father comes to the room to tell me i have a false sense of ego and I have to much pride and i need to go to a therapist. This was the moment i realized my parents are mentally ill. I moved out as fast as i could. (with 25 years old) In the 2 years i was alone in my apartment i realized why they chose me as the scapegoat. I channeled all my emotion and let them out. It was a crazy time. Thanks to special meditation techniques analyzing my memories also getting rid of the gas lighting. There was so much physical abuse as a child i forgot and this memories where hidden in my subconsciousness. I learned a lot during that time and i strongly advice for everybody how has abusive parents to be alone for some time. I realized most of the whys and hows of my problems. After this 2 years I married with 27 during the pandemic and moved from Switzerland to Mexico. Now i have a supportive family witch is over 200 members i see regularly. (I grew up speaking Spanish and German) They all know my family situation and don't judge me. Im very open and speak what i think when it comes to my past. I love Mexico and there people. My wife is very supportive and she was the one how helped me in my worst years of my life. We talked a lot on the phone and she was the girl i told everything since Im 13 years old. She came to visit me and we fell in love and married. She was the one how told me to speak to God for guidance. And it really works. I stooped taking any drugs since then and now we have our own business witch is doing very well. My life went from horrible to supper amazing by just taking the decision to go no contact with this crazy maniacs. The rest of my family lives in Spain and they are all feminists. When i asked them for help and wanted to reconcile with my family in the 2 year period alone, everybody just ignored me and instead ended up sending pictures of a demonstration of feminism they went on the weekend. I called them out for support and begged them to not ignore me but instead they all just laughed at me. I also broke up contact with them completely. My family is so messed up and my 3 female cousins living in Spain are all alone and desperate to be in a relationship. They are really struggling to find a partner because they are very toxic. I am 30 now and i am the only one of the younger in my family how is married ore wants to have children. I will not let my family ruin my life with there sickening role they gave me or there self sabotaging believes. Sometimes you just have to draw the line make a decision and be strict to yourself. If my parents will die one day i am not even sure i want to know. I tried a lot to reconcile with them but as always parental self-reflection is absent! Incapable of hearing and tolerating feedback. The parent feels to guilty ore ashamed when the child comes to them and say you cause me harm. Parents with extreme pride because they have a fragile ego. They acct like little children how don't want to take responsibility for there actions. In other words. STUPIDITY. And you can do nothing against stupidity. Stupid people only cause tragedy. I had enough drama and tragedy in my life. I guess i just don't care anymore. I let my anger come out and transformed it in to motivation and drive. To do better, to move forward. There comes one point in life where you have been humiliated enough, where the anger and frustration becomes so big, that you just stop caring, where you become to tired of crying ore all the negative emotions associated to them. I guess if i would receive the message that one of my parent died i would be sad a little maybe cry a little, leave the inheritance to my brother and move one with life.

It’s me. It’s I… Thank you for your truth and courage ❤️ You make me feel less alone in my own story.

Good channel concept thanks ❤. My grandmother’s and dads last months were marked with dementia that made them forget why, or that they ever had distanced themselves. I feel very grateful I had those days with my dad. Never expected it.

My mom is 90. Im 62. I had no choice but to go "No Contact" with her, after writinger her 5 letters of explanation. I felt unheard and disrespected. Mainly unheard. I know Ill have conficting emotions because my mom and I had some good memories. Thankyou.

To be the healthiest version of me I have to be estranged~love that you said that-it’s so true ❤

There is always a solution. You need to find a mediator and learn to see the problem from 30,000 feet. Don’t waste another second. From your pain, it is clear you already know that the ultimate value is Love. Otherwise, you would not be feeling pain. Nothing is greater than Love. Set ego aside, set all else aside: Be bigger. Whatever the problem is, be deaf, dumb and blind to it. Just Love them anyway. The rest is just words. Be still, be silent, just Love. You will never regret it. Trust me, I speak from experience. In the face of death, you will look back and every problem will seem petty by comparison. Don’t wait, don’t hesitate. “Time is running like a river to the sea…” Life is about Love and nothing more. Anchor yourself in it. Be unconditional. That is what family teaches us: True, Unconditional Love. Be True. Be Love.

I had been no contact with my mom when she died. I realized that the feeling I faced then was an old one. I grieved my mom long before she passed, and that still hurts me.

I'm in the process of estranging myself from my family, who were both physically and emotionally abusive. Unfortunately my dad got diagnosed with cancer for the second time, when I finally got the courage to cut him off, no less than a week I was told his cancer got worse and he has stage 4 cancer. My dad is a textbook narcissist, and I was his golden child, and that relationship in of itself hurt my younger sibling alot more than it has hurt me. Despite being his golden child, I never had a close relationship with my dad, I was always scared he would abuse me like he did our mother, I was afraid he would hate me like the rest of my family did. I grieved the fact that I would never have the familial love I wanted roughly 5 years ago, but I never cut them off because I felt obligated to being there. However, at least once a year I get re-traumatized by some family member, I lives in fear of my family and even though I've basically ran away, I still live in fear because I am maintaining contact with them. I just want it to end.

The selfishness rejection is why. You are responsible actually. Take it from me first hand. I'm almost there and I cant wait to be gone.

She says she is happy with her decision, she doesn't look happy.

Both my parents, dad the henpecked enabler and mom the bitter, caustic manipulator passed away before I got into therapy and learned about dysfunctional family systems. Nonetheless, I did have an emotional breakdown at her funeral Mass. I’d been left completely alone at my sister’s house to dress and drive myself to the church and I couldn’t get out of bed. Curled up in the fetal position, ADHD Demand Avoidance plus CPTSD Freeze response to being abandoned, left alone to completely fend for myself with no one there to care for mine. I did call around, my daughter’s car was full, and my “friend” said it was out of her way even though the church is

Jess, it’s wonderful that you have that 1% of hope. Illogical? Yes- but still wonderful. In the face of so much pain, you have not become bitter, hardened or despairing. That’s just wonderful. Nobody showed you how to be like that- it’s just in you. I love that.

Both my parents were NPD. My mother overt. My father more covert. My GC sister is passive aggressive covert. I went total no contact 6 years ago. I just walked away. No arguments. No explaining. No confrontation. I realised it was useless. They were hell bent on making me the 'bad one'. They didn't actually see me at all. My father died 2 years later and my mother died 4 weeks ago. It IS devastating and has left me with a dreadfully hollow feeling. I did go to both funerals and was treated with total distain. The trick if you decide to go is to avoid eye contact and not go to the wake. I went because I needed closure. No other reason. I wanted to be able to look back and say I didn't run away. I stood my ground and did what was right for me in the long run. Yes, if you go you will be met with outright abusive behaviour which hurts like hell. But it was interesting seeing my family from an outside perspectivve, especially my sister, her toxic husband (she married our mother!) and their three children. The golden child (the first born and most toxic one). The scapegoat (looking entirly different to the others and stuck out on the end in silence). And the lost child ( pale, blacked eyed and drawn) she's in her late twenties but still looks around 12 years old? All very odd and very unhealthy looking. Mostly it was the aura that came off them. It was like they were a cult, no member being allowed to make eye contact or converse with anyone outside it. All dressed in black. If you do go to the funeral you will clearly see the dysfunction in these people.

After my mom died, my dad was snatched up by a vindictive, narcissistic woman who has literally worn him to the bone. He is in the advanced stages of Parkinson’s and I don’t know how long he has. I’ve gone no contact for 10 agonizing years. Dad has narcissistic run-off…he changed after he married that narcissist. I forgive him. I know he made a bad choice of a new mate out of desperation when my mom died. They were married 43 years…I just wish my dad peace and I love him with all my heart. I wish it wasn’t this way. May the angels bring him home.

I have been estranged from my father for 26 years now, and estranged from my mother for 16 years. My father was basically a good guy, but a wounded person and raging addict. He just could not be a parent and never wanted to be. My mother on the other hand is a manipulative, lying, violent, angry, abusive person. She was verbally, mentally, and physically abusive to me as I was growing up. She loved to put me in dangerous and humiliating situations and took great pleasure when I got hurt. In 1982, when I was 15, she took me to a crowded bar. She told me she was going to use the bathroom and then disappeared. I sat for hours waiting for her to come back. She never did. A strange man drove me home where I found her fast asleep in her bed. When I was an adult, she offered me money once to date a man who, at the time, had been accused of assaulting multiple women. I said absolutely not. She told me he was a great guy and just going through a hard time. Thankfully he is now in prison. I think she would have loved it if I had been hurt by him. When I was 35 she told me that she admitted she never wanted to give birth to me. I finally had to make the decision go no contact on my 40th birthday. For the next 7 years she launched smear campaigns, sent out flying monkeys and hired a moving company to clear out her basement and deliver 30 boxes of trash to my front door while I was at work. That’s just the tip of the iceberg of what she did. Thankfully she finally stopped. She’s now 82, and I know that probably in the next 5-7 years I will be faced with her death. I think often about how I will respond. Will I be upset? Will I be relieved? Will I be sad? Will I be angry? Will I be happy? Will I cry? Will it just be another day? I just don’t know. Anyway. I’m glad I found your channel. I subscribed. Thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts. I’m sorry that you’ve also had to make the difficult decision to go no contact. So many people think it’s easy, but it isn’t. It’s probably the hardest decision a person can make.

I am one of twelve , our mother died when I was 6.5 and that’s where my trauma began . I was brought up by my narc father who I now realize was not my biological father . My upbringing was very sad emotionally and I divorced them all in 2015 by letter , I did have contact with one brother but have recently let him go too . I will not tolerate gaslighting by anyone . If they all begin to die before me , I know with surety that I will not attend any of their funerals because my belief is , if you don’t have contact with them in life I will not have contact at death either and I am happy and at peace with my decision I wish them all well too 🙏

lol you celebrate that finally you truly are free. My mom died in 2011 of bladder cancer from putting Splenda in her coffee for years. It affexted me greatly until I learned abkut abuse and one day looked back on fond childhood memories. Now I'm happy shes gone.

I had my epiphany when I went no contact with my malignant narcissistic mother. I remember standing in the middle of the road and waving bye-bye when the golden children took her away. I felt nothing, I just stopped giving a crap. I ended up going completely out of control and delusional, these damnable narcissists leave mine fields behind, buried and camouflaged just in case they are cutoff. Sort of a failsafe device to detonate and devastate. The damn thing blew up in my face and I lost everything, she even trashed all of my memories. I stood there reading the eviction notice feeling like I’ve been gang raped. That was almost 4 years ago. I had to be heavily medicated and sedated just keep my head from exploding. I built my own prison because I felt that I could not be trusted. Great! I spent the majority of the last 4 years locked up in an apartment the size of a shoebox with all the furniture I could save. A few months before we were evicted I received an angry phone call from a family member chastising me for being an ungrateful son who will not visit his beloved mother who was begging anyone who would listen to bring me to see her. I felt nothing towards her but acrimony. She had the decency of finally dying last year. I didn’t give her the satisfaction of guilting me one more time. I was done with her, and them. I attended her memorial service and got the stink eye from my supposed family. I didn’t care. The opposite of love is not hate, it is apathy. About 6 months ago I started decreasing my medication, and now all those feelings I have been bottling up for the last 6 decades started bursting out with a vengeance. I am trying very hard at confronting my emotions now that I have done some healing but I have many more miles to go before I can say truthfully that I am healed. It’s a damn good start and thank you for reading my story. Don’t give up and don’t give in to the demons. I wonder how she will explain herself to almighty God on judgement day, I’ll be waiting and watching for her because I will be the first one in line. For I will be sanctified. I do not fear death. I am humbled by almighty God and my guardian angel for not forsaking me when I was at my worst. Thank you Jesus for leading me out of the wilderness and towards peace. Thanks to the Holy Spirit for breathing life back into my body for I was surely dead. I will have to change with a good therapist helping me pull out the weeds that have been sucking the life right out of me. Put my house in order and pray that my wife and family will forgive me. As Jesus has forgiven me and I hope that they can as well. As you hear a howling wolf in the distance, know that I am alive and doing well. Peace out ✌️😎

I’m no contact with my egg donor. I honestly would not go to her funeral. I pray for her but my heart no longer allows me to feel/cry/grieve for an abuser.

I gave my mother a lot of chances and I tried to make our relationship work but nothing worked and she isn't going to change. The last thing I told my mother was I will not be attending her funeral in future and wished her all the best and haven't had contact ever since.

I really needed this reminder among others today. I was put into a position where I was in physical close proximity with the toxic mother that I chose to walk away from after so many efforts. I felt immensely sick and hollow. I survived but it’s not something I really want to do again.

I was relieved when my mother died. I refused to view the body.I was her only child and at least 60% of my life was spent having the silent treatment thrown my way. I gave her the silent treatment back. Who calls their only child a loser on Christmas day at the dinner table? She was mad that I was on disability and not working. The family was so disfunctional that no one dared to say anything. I said something snarky and let it go. She disowned me 6 months before she died, but the will was written wrong so at least got the house!

I didn't feel peace at all what I feel is massive regret. I looked at my mother at her wake and thought we both wasted so much time and nothing ever changed. I do hope she forgives me and knows I did love her. I don't know what the answer is but I feel no relief from any of this.

I was 99% I had done the right thing and our relationship would never change after walking away until my (adult) daughter texted that my mother wanted me to get ahold of her because she just wanted to know that I was ok. I did not respond, realizing that after four years of separation, healing and reflection that she just wanted her granddaughter to think she cares and then give her sympathy. If she wanted to reconnect or did indeed care about my well being she would just contact me directly. That bumped it to 99.9%.

This is an important but difficult subject. I think the major feeling is that when your a good person and are caring and loving even after abuse you struggle to be there for your parents because they cause you so much pain that you can't get out of bed for days or function when you are around them. Being scared to see mam because you are not good enough in her presence is a hard pill to swallow. Then you find love for yourself and realise that you were always good enough. I miss my mam but what do I miss? I miss being loved and accepted but it wasn't there so what do I miss? The thought of a loving mother. Again when you care even after abuse it is soul destroying when you will care for anyone and not have kids because of fear of hurting them emotionally is pretty sad. I send love to all and any parent who feels guilty should let their children know to validate only then can a child finally heal. ❤

I love that you tried to talk with them about what you felt was wrong in the relationship, and that you wished them well on departing. In the case of parental alienation, the (adult) child does not try to discuss with their parent, but rejects them on hearsay. Any contact is full of judgement and accusation and anything the rejected parent says is interpreted in the worst light. Every estranged child should learn about the differences between a child who has been abused and a child who has been alienated. Family breakdown is heartbreaking. I was not as wise as you, but kept begging and pleading and being accused and slandered till my mother died, still lying about me. I reacted emotionally in my trauma, and looked like the crazy one. I had to detach emotionally and give up false hopes. Had to learn not to JADE (Justifying Arguing Defending or Explaining). Books which helped me: Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft Mothers who Can't Love by Susan Forward Done With the Crying by Sheri McGregor Good Boundaries and Goodbyes by Lisa Terkeurst KZfaq channels: Dr Les Carter Dr Ramani Divided Families The Reconnection Club podcasts by Tina Gilbertson God bless you all. Know that you are greatly loved and understood by God, and you are enough.

My two daughters are estranged from me. They will NOT be included in my will. I have left instructions that I don’t even want them at my funeral. My mother (who was a fantastic mom) became estranged from me after dad died. I don’t want her at me funeral either. She came to my husband’s funeral a year before dad died, and all she did was bitch that my sister wasn’t able to make it 😮 If someone cannot be in your life; if they can’t try to resolve things like mature adults; then they have no rights to be allowed at your funeral (or vice versa).

Just seeing this video, a year later. A young 'niece' (friend's daughter) has gone 'no contact' from her family and adopted family, like myself. She has good reason, having been surrounded by many narcissists with severely neurotic habits. Hurtful, as I felt one of the few on her side. Just 20yrs old, fear she won't realize, as you have, that she herself needs to seek help to cope with her life. As well, I am estranged from my older sister (10yrs my senior), she has suffered from undiagnosed mental health. Simply an abusive person, who, once I understood this, was able to come to terms with her as a troubled person. I, sadly, have no part in what is her life, I only exist for her to react to and as a reminder of her anger towards whatever I stand for (classic younger sibling who's birth stole her spotlight). She knows on some level that I 'see' her now and it unnerves her. I have compassion for a person who has 'white knuckled' their entire life. I've always said, when it comes to our parents or elders, we need to be able to see them as people, apart from us, then we can more easily accept them and our relationship or lack thereof. Your parents gave you life, a great gift for which you can thank the universe.

What comforts me is knowing that when my father crosses to the other side, he will be in the purity of light again and realize his doings. And from there, we can begin having a new type of relationship - albeit from a different form. Disclaimer: This comes from someone who believes in Spirit and life after death. Please don’t take offense for those who do not believe.

Short answer: We celebrate because we never have to deal with the prospect of having to interact with them ever again, and the nightmare is confirmed to be over.

in some ways estrangement is worse than death as its like a haunting, you hear about them ect... When my crazy mom died I asked my son not to be angry if I didn't openly grieve as I grieved her loss when I went no contact 20 yrs earlier, he seemed to understand. there was no funeral, she claimed she never wanted one, all along she told me I was cut out of the will but surprisingly I did get a share, sad how narcissitics use money to control others, I did share about a third with my son even though I knew he had lied, he was the golden child of the family and he and his lazy wife thought they were taking it all.Life is full of surprises, never give up as you may just be only 5 min. from your miracle!

This is so strange. I just received a message that my estranged (abusive physically and mentally) mother passed away today. I don’t feel anything, I grieved her loss years ago. 😔

Thank you for your videos on estrangement. I have been estranged from both parents for 10 years, and aside from sadness when I think about it, my life is much better. My father entered hospice and has stopped eating. The time is near. There are good memories which I am keeping in the forefront, and I plan to attend his funeral because of these good memories. At the funeral, I plan to be courteous with my estranged mother and relatives and will set boundaries with them. As long as I focus on my strength and intentions, there will be sadness but I look ahead to the better chosen life.

The best choice I made was to stop talking to my emotional and verbally abusive father. He has died now. My only regret is that I didn't have a loving supportive father. People don't change. He was abusive my entire life. I feel sorry for him. He missed out. I have no regrets. I morn the father that I needed not the one I had. He left millions of dollars for me when he died. His siblings have kept it from me since I was estranged from my father. Basically his entire side of the family thinks I am a horrible daughter. They have no idea the pain this man, my father, caused me. Not giving me what was intended for me is just another hurt related to my father... A kind word from him would have meant much more than leaving me millions anyway. Leaving me money was his attempt to show his family was a "Great" father he was lol. I am not willing to fight anyone for money. They can have it. I am fine!

Sending you love. Estrangement with family is very difficult.

Thank you. This came up in my feed at a very difficult time. After decades of trying to “fix” my mentally ill mother, I have made the decision to end our relationship. I did my very best. I sought therapy, attended classes on her specific personality disorder, and read books. I tried compassion, empathy, writing letters, being firm, being blind with rage. Nothing worked. I still feel so much guilt and know that if she dies before me, I’ll have very complicated feelings. I think I’ve mourned for years the reality that I will never have the kind of motherly figure I so badly needed.

My parents were on the lower end of the narcissistic spectrum; mostly just self-centered, not outwardly cruel. I never left them or betrayed them, but neither have I mourned them. I suppose it's because I never felt like they really knew me or wanted to.

Thank you for sharing. My husband's birth - mother has never connected. At a small age, she raised his sister. Both my husband and his brother were raided by his father and later his amazing and God-sent step-mom. We recently received a message his sister died and his birth mom needed assistance. Really. Seriously it’s not going to happen. I believe in life you are given choices. As the Bible says.. you reap what you sow. I answered back by saying. We wish her all the best and will pray for her and hope she finds a nice place where she is loved. Goodbye. I got a response back with a. I understand . Thank you

I became a fairly estranged daughter due to stuff my dad did, not to me but to my siblings. I saw him not too long ago in the dream state & his spiritual journey continues on the other side.