People who don't have any children of their own are definitely needed in certain situations. One of my single friends is a foster parent. All types of parenting situations are needed. Please don't feel guilty. I am glad you got to help a little bit and often a little goes a long way.

So glad the caseworkers stayed that long. The child may just think you were there to give them dinner and a bath and let them play for a short time. Lots of good lessons. Thank you for sharing. ❤

From a former foster child in the system and aged out I am beyond thankful for y’all looking at the obstacles and knowing that it’s not realistic for your family and the child wouldn’t benefit from it … I got placed in multiple homes that wasn’t fit for me but yet the case workers didn’t care keep doing what you’re doing 🥰🥰

I don't think any placement could be called a failure if it was in the best interest of the child to be placed elsewhere. You made an incredibly selfless decision in becoming a foster family in the first place and continue to do that with each child. Just because you consider your families personal needs in the decision making process doesn't make it selfish at all, it still makes it about finding the right place for the child to thrive and it takes incredible insight and strength to recognise that your home may not be it for a specific child. Don't get down on yourself or let this feel any negative kind of way. You're doing an incredible job as a family and it is far better for children to be in the right placement for them than be in a placement that could be a problem for them.

I have a 9 year old son with severe nonverbal autism, ADHD, and anxiety. The level of care he needs is so much more than could be explained on a phone call. Knowing the behaviors we deal with daily and factoring in this child is coming into a new unknown home and leave a bad situation I can’t imagine the behaviors this poor child was displaying. Y’all did right realizing it was to much because things get out of hand fast and can become life threatening in a blink of an eye.

I’m really proud of you for knowing what you can handle. Not everyone has this strength. It’s very difficult to step back even when you know you can’t support in the way that is needed.

My daughter used to be a social worker and was a case worker. Even then there was a shortage of therapeutic homes for children with more needs. I admire you and John for what you do.

Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing this experience, it’s going to help others looking to foster. Carers/potential foster families don’t need all happy ending stories, we need honest relatable stories that people can learn from, so THANK YOU!

The fact that this happened just shows how much you care. I can feel how guilty you feel, you’re doing a great job and you have such great hearts. More than that, you genuinely want what is best for the kids. All of them. ❤️❤️❤️

My child is autistic, partially verbal, with a bit of ADHD to spice it up s bit. Its so tough. My husband and I did weeks of parent therapy, and had the support of multiple therapists for years. Still we feel inadequate as parents, and she's ours! My MIL has been a foster parent for over 34 years (all of my husbands life), and as big as her heart is, she will not accept a placement that she can't manage. With four kids in her home, that meant that sometimes that she had to say no. And I have been around long enough to witness the struggle for her. As right as her no was; I'm sure it was still hard.

It takes a lot of courage to share difficult situations with strangers around the world. Your dedication to fostering is inspiring!

Love from South Africa ❤ 🇿🇦. I've fostered twice, for periods of 2 years at a time. Foster families are SO rare here, and so badly supervised. And of course, kids are desperately in need. Sensitive, 'normal ' caseworkers are truly a godsend. Like gold dust ❣❤

This is also a big issue for parents of children with special needs. Often, parents can’t get the help, services, or respite to be able to handle those things. They get to the point of burn out where they just can’t take it anymore because of wait lists or lack of access to things that could help. The system often assumes abuse even though they don’t understand the strain on the parents. Then when they try to place these kids, they don’t have enough people in the system who get it and know what to do. Often the people that could do it are the people who have gone through it, but in some states if you’ve had services called on you, it’s an automatic disqualification to become a foster parent or provide respite. There isn’t enough or training to really teach the kind of support needed or provide it. You didn’t do anything wrong, but it’s great you’re bringing awareness to this and that there is a big lack of places for these kids to go.

If you are not used to being around higher need children, I can see how it would be very hard to adjust to those needs at a moment's notice. You fed them, bathed them, clothed them. That was a blessing to that child at that time. You still participated in the care of that child. You never know just how much those simple acts might mean to that child.

I am taking in my God son through kinship. Thanks to watching your channel I wasn't completely lost during this process! I knew what I needed to do and have done in my home for him. I appreciate the education from you guys so much!! Thank you ❤

Approximately 36 years ago we became foster parents to a baby boy that was 13 days old. I was a stay at home mom of a 13 and 14 year old. When he was two we were able to adopt him:) When he was 2 1/2 we became foster parents to a newborn.. His mom was an addict. He was born addicted to drugs. He hadn't been named and social services allowed me to name him. I named him Nico:) When Nico was about 2 months old I realized I wasn't able to handle things any longer.. After discussions with the social worker they found another home for him to go to.. I was the one to take him there.. The home conditions there were less than desirable. I cried all the way home and for a long time after for feeling like I let Nico down. I have always had a place in my heart for him and have prayed that his life turned out well. I did go on to foster again. It's one of the hardest things I've ever done. Thank you for doing what you can to help others!!

I work with adults with disabilities - I learned in my 3 years of college that it's so important for them or really anybody to be in an environment where they will thrive and grow and feel successful. Love your channel and what you do for these kids

I’m surprised the caseworkers stayed that long here they barley stay ten minutes after dropping kids off especially emergency. That’s great that they were there for all of that!!

I want to thank you for not going in to much detail on the child’s behaviors. I know this was a very intentional choice. I read through many comments and didn’t see a single one criticizing the child. I know unfortunately you got a few rude comments which is disappointing. But so often people online like to criticize children or their parents for behavior issues without understanding how trauma and disabilities impact this behavior. You set this video up so that didn’t happen.

Some kids need and deserve one on one care. Especially after being unsuccessful in a bio home. My stepdaughter went from "normal" to needing full support prior to her passing. Her needs took away from her sister's needs being met.

I love how thoughtful and intentional you are in this whole situation- I imagine it would feel really tempting to push through and tell yourself "no, we can do this", but that wouldn't necessarily be in the best interest of the child. Also the way you speak about this situation now, clearly having reflected on it for a few months - this whole thing just shows how much you truly care for the child. Love your videos!

This felt so raw and real. Thank you for sharing! I love your family!

It takes a lot of strength to know you’re not going to be the very best fit for that child and your own limitations. You are wonderfully loving family and you should always be proud of your journey xo

You did a beautiful job of being vague and protecting privacy, while displaying your heart and experience.

As a parent of two special needs boys, I must say that mental health treatment and support are so lacking. The parents of children with special needs often go with little to no support or respite. Insurance companies do not want to pay for anything so sometimes the only way for a child to get services is through the state and those services are lacking. Mental health services are a “hot mess” ! Wishing you all the best!

Thank you guys so much for sharing your foster journey. I think this story shows how difficult it can be to know how to put the child first, and also how important it is to put the child first.

It’s such a difficult, challenging situation. Your emotion telling this tale shows how much you care. 💕

Poor child. I hope she/he found the exact right foster home with a family that can focus on helping them feel loved and get their needs met. Thank goodness the caseworkers stayed. It sounds like this new agency is a much better fit for your family.

never seen your channel before but i can honestly say it takes alot of self reflection and awareness too know what you can and can not handle, everyones safety is paramount with any placement. well done on doing the right thing for everyone involved :)

You do a great job at showing that your journey is not all butterflies and rainbows. This is real life and sometimes the hard decision is the right one ❤️

It's a tough job being both a parent and a foster parent. I give major props to you and John. Hopefully she has a loving place to stay and is able to support her mental health needs.

I love that Miss A is still in the intro after she returned home!

Thank you for sharing. I hope the guilt can fade away because it sounds like you made the best decision for the child's care and that's the most important thing.💗

Thank you so much for sharing. This is a tough , but very real and necessary conversation that foster families need to know about. I would like to add… i can hear the guilt in your voice, and i want you to know what you did was exactly what that child needed. You put your guilt, concerns for your family, maybe even embarrassment for letting the case workers and child down by having to say no…you put the child’s welfare above your own. That right there says so much about your heart, your intentions, your character, and your willingness to do what you felt was the best for the child regardless of how uncomfortable it made you feel. That is a truly good foster parent!

Thank you for making this video. As a member of the foster care team in my town, I am amazed at the people who make the choice to be foster parents. Great information. All the best to you and your family.

Thank you for sharing your experience. You did a good job of telling your story while maintaining the child’s privacy. You and your family are making a difference. 😊

I'm so sorry you went through this, but also glad you were able to see this before the child or your family was harmed in any way. Blessings on your journey. Prayers for the child for healing and stability.

You are such a strong woman. You have to protect your babies too. The need was greater than your limits. I think you did the right thing for your family and this child.

The fact that you even offer your home is a huge deal and shows what good kind ppl you are. Don't beat yourself up, you are doing your best and giving your love when many can't even do that much. You are angels.

I appreciate your honesty about this and get why you feel guilty. But you did your best. It's always a good thing to admit you can't do something or need help.

It must be so challenging to foster when you have little ones of your own at home. Kudos to your family for providing this much needed service but you do have to put your own childrens safety and tolerance first unfortunately. You made the right decision.

Awe don't feel bad I've followed you guys for a minute and you are a great loving family.Your doing the best you can.Big hugs and keep it up.

Please don't feel too bad for having to say no because you were trying but the situation just wasn't the right one right now. From an ex-foster child who is now an adult over 21 I can say that I wish that I had foster parents like you and John when I was growing up. You explained the situation perfectly with the information that you could be comfortable giving out about what went on. I was a handful when I was younger just because of what I had been through and there were a lot of foster parents that said no because of that reason. I am extremely proud of you for trying and also for realizing that it wouldn't work out, after all yes you may be a foster family but your own children, who are still pretty young themselves still come first and that is OK.

Thank you for your honesty and care

Whitney, I wanted to reach through the screen and hug you! I could feel your guilt. Shaun and I take in children with high level behaviors and it is hard for people to understand that children could be that difficult if they haven't been through it. It is SO HARD to say no to placements! Good for you for being able to see the issues and then being able to say no. It was very nice of you to let the child have a bath, pick out some new clothes and eat a home cooked meal even when you knew the child wasn't going to stay. Your heart was is the right place and you did what was best for the child (and your family), even if it was hard for you. ♥

Thank you for sharing the “negative stories” as much as the positive stories

Thank you for sharing; important message and respectful.

I totally understand. I worked with preschoolers with many disabilities for 30+ years and we will never always have the tools that can help that particular child. Looking after safety of your own children is a priority. You did the right thing.

Thank you for sharing this experience. It's so important to be able to recognize that sometimes you aren't the right person to be able to help in a situation. You do as much as you can, but there are some things that are outside of your abilities, and that's okay.

There are no mistakes only lessons learned. You did was was right for your family as well as the child xxx💕

I just love you and John for being honest and thinking of the foster child’s best needs over just talking the child for the nominal fees a foster family gets!! That means you actually CARE about that child. Please do not beat yourself up! You have such an amazing heart and did what was best for the child!

I totally understand wanting to help and doing all you can but the guilt when you know you can't. Praying for you.

Thank you so much for sharing all this! I hope to become a foster parent and i learn so much from videos like this

We did foster care over 25 years. We did regular, treatment, and intensive treatment foster care as well as respite care for over 200+children as well as a few parent and child placements. You did a nice job of explaining this. One of the reasons children leave our homes in treatment level placements is to get higher level help in a hospitalization or group home, or partial hospitalization program. Many lived with us for 1 to 4 years. Some kids were also placed in wilderness training type group living situations. Many came to our home when those types of placements failed. Usually, in my opinion, because the child really craved the live and nurturing of family life. Also, some of the children in our care did receive services on personal care attendants to help with their extreme needs. We are still in loving contact with many of them. It is so fulfilling, yet, the hardest work I could ever do. Thanks for all that you do and the love you provide. I think you made the appropriate decision as many times they say they will move the child but can never find a family match which puts major stress on your family as well as the child.

It’s important to keep everyone safe. It’s so hard to say no when they are at the placement and showing with behaviours that are challenging. Watching channels like the crazy middles placements are never easy and hopefully they can get help and a better placement and not causing more trauma. It’s ok not to be ok.

I really appreciate your honesty, thank you for sharing.

Thank you for sharing your story. It is hard to show things that fail or where we did not succeed. But it is SO helpful to so many people to show the good and the bad and the learning process, as you said. Thank you!

Thank you for admitting you are a foster care giver and not a parent to these kids that is definitely a step in the right direction.

I'm from Sweden and i have been a fostercarer to my nephew. It is'nt always easy. I was so happy that they made the disision that i was suitable for him. I think you should be proud of your self! As you say there is a shortage of people who want to do this for children in need. You did the right thing for your family and for the child in this case.

Thank you so much for sharing! I’m a new foster parent and this really helped me.

The BEST thing about you accepting is that the caseworkers got to observe behaviors they didnt know could effect a placement. It was probably the best thing that could happen so they COULD find a better place to meet the child’s needs. This would potentially prevent multiple moves from homes that weren’t equipped to deal with the behaviors. While is was hard on you, it gave more information to the caseworkers.

I Think it is amazing that you know where the challenge is to Big and what might be harmful for your family! You have my respect for choosing to say no! Your instinct was to protect your kids, yourself and the foster child!

It is so refreshing to hear this. We currently have a bio infant and a foster 16 yo girl. We're not emotionally in a place (and housewise) to take another placement so that our teen can have her own room and we can give the proper attention to both girls. We do respite, but it's always temporary. I always feel guilty, as I see friends who take 2-4 kids and have an infant, but I know every family is different and this is what we can do and still be healthy and give well to the child in our home. Thank you so much for sharing. I really appreciate it.

You did the best thing for the child, and that proves your a good foster parents.

I really think the classification “emergency placement” differs from agency to agency or state to state. Here in WI (Milwaukee county specifically) a placement is deemed an emergency placement if the call comes after 3 pm or before 8 am weekdays or Friday at 3 to Monday at 8 am (so the entire weekend). When you get called for an emergency placement, you’re taking placement for as long as the child needs. We aren’t a “safe place before a more perm. placement is found”. We are it until the kids reunify, head to adoption or move elsewhere for different needs (head to treatment foster placement or in patient services long term). Of my 22 placements in the 6 years we have fostered 21 have been emergency placements and do come with the emergency placement added stipend. Which obviously we don’t need but is nice. Also, we have always said yes to calls and the kids have always come except for 1 who ended up heading to grandma before formally entering care.

this is such an important lesson, thank you for sharing ❤️ as someone in grad school for counseling a lot of this really resonated with me

Mental health and behavioral issues are so hard to work through. My family fostered as a kinship placement and her diagnoses were tough even with multiple adults and 1 child to look out for.❤

I feel you did the right thing ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

What you do is such a gift to those you invite into your home. I believe you made it very clear that you felt it in your bones that you were not able to care for your children along with this child properly. Safety is paramount; do not question yourself.

Thanks for sharing, very brave of you

You are an AMAZING foster family. To recognize that you're not a good fit and make sure that you only take what you can handle is so so important. I feel like many foster placements fail because people try to take kiddos they're not equipped to handle and try so hard to make it work and then it all falls apart and it's just another attachment break for the poor kiddo.

You are to be commended for trying to support the child and that is a reflection of your huge hearts. Like you said, it’s going to happen. It will help you grow as foster parents. I have a biological child who has developmental delays and severe behaviors from a young age. The child is now 17 and has not been able to live with us for the past 5 years because of safety issues. The heartache is palpable. The guilt is real, even though it’s not logical. As much as we love this child and yearned for them, we simply weren’t capable of keeping them safe. They are making progress and we hope to have them home again at some point. They are in a therapeutic program and there is always hope. My heart breaks for all of these kids going through unimaginable things that we just can’t help them with in a comfortable home setting. God bless you for all you do.

Higher needs children are a real challenge.I was in a situation with three.I have always felt there should be some support given to care givers.Even a little training.I also realize the system in so over crowded.I made it through but can honestly say I couldn’t do it again for a long placement,Bless you for trying to help these children.

I went through a very similar situation and know exactly the emotions you described going through. Always learning, always growing.

I completely get this and had this experience myself. The guilt is awful. When you said you can try to help and end up harming instead - that really resonated. It was when we got to that same point a couple of weeks into our situation, we had to end the care. It was devastating. We weren't aware of the severity of the issues either, although we did have experience with a similar level of care which made us think we could handle the situation. In other words we knew the 24/7 one-on-one work that was involved. I remember having to keep saying that only a professional is really capable of dealing with this level of care and we are actually doing harm by continuing this. Obviously I'm being vague as well here. All this to say, I get it. This happened to us. It's heartbreaking. And yeah, trust your gut. I honestly believe without having a deep understanding of some of these issues we can do serious harm.

As a mom of an autistic child I understand. No one could prepare you for the challenges that come. It took a long time for my husband and I to understand how to parent our own child. I think this is an awesome opportunity for you and John to get some neurodivergent training to be able to help a placement in the future.

I've just come across your video and in now way involved with fostering children. That being said I have absolutely NO DOUBT you made the best decision for both your family and the little buttons that need placement. Self care and self preservation are key and make you stronger to make such life changing decisions. Incredibly difficult decision to have had to make...

Heartbroken for that child . Most foster kids will have behaviour . Understandable , they’ve lived a harder life than most adults at their small age . It should be mandatory for all foster parents to understand and learn about developmental aspect of a child going through all circumstances to best support them .

This is the very first video of yours I'm seeing, i can tell you did the right thing. Just sad because you gotta think what that poor child has been though to become the way they are!! I can't imagine what these children go through 😔😔

First video I ever saw of yours. You did a great job of explaining everything. I don’t foster but I totally got what you were saying. You did the right thing too! …Ellen

God Bless your heart. It's in the right place.

Thank you for making such a real and honest video. We can help by sharing that more foster families capable of helping extra needs is probably more of a crisis than being reported. Our nonprofit supports education that adjusts itself to the situation needed.I find myself constantly reminding people why our “HQ” is not open always to the general public, is set up in a way that may not immediately make sense to you but does if you have challenges. Kids with struggles grow into adults that still could use kindness and patience. Much love from the desert to you all💚🌵

You did good explaining you did right for your family and the child God bless

THANK YOU 🙏 FOR CARING ENOUGH TO SHARE YOUR EXPERIENCES. WE NEED YOU and MORE LIKE YOU... GOD BLESS YOUR FAMILY! MY HUSBAND, GRANDDAUGHTER, and I are a FOSTER FAMILY WHO TOTALLY IDENTIFY WITH YOUR FOSTER FAMILY's SITUATION 💯...

States need to catch up with adequate assistance for special needs children, this poor child 😡, thank you for spreading awareness

I have a strong amount of empathy for you! As a special educator, I interact with elem age students that have behavioral challenges and mental health challenges, I likely see some of the same behaviors that you witnessed. So, no judgement. It IS a hard thing to realize that your attempts to help might harm more. I have had minimal training but from working with more experienced people, sometimes the best thing for you and the child is to walk away. And it's a matter of making a judgment call. ❤️❤️❤️

You did the right thing for your family and that child. Sorry for your heart, but thanks so much for sharing this difficult learning experience with us. Also, I’m sorry you have to be so super duper careful on your channel now, you are good people ❤️

I think you're awesome. First of all, for giving the kid a chance. Second, for realizing your limitations and acting in the best interest of both your family and the child. Third, for making this video to inform other potential foster parents of these things sometimes happening and thereby possibly preventing heartache for other families and fosters and last but certainly not least for shining such a clear light for the great need for less traditional people to start fostering these kids if they are able to accommodate special needs.

My son was a difficult placement. They ended up leaving his older sister responsible for him for a lot of the time in the foster home. It really damaged their relationship Thank you for knowing you couldn't handle it and saying something

I know it was a difficult decision to make. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

I understand what you mean.. my daughter has a few different diagnosis.. and my sister just loves my daughter (and my daughter loves her )to bits.. but especially when my daughter was at a younger age and we didn't even have a diagnosis and therapy and medications and stuff yet.. my sister could only handle being around my daughter for a certain amount of time.. and it had nothing to do with how much she cared or love her but it was just too much for her to handle for overnights and weekends and things.. and as the parent I'm glad that my sister told me that she wasn't able to watch her for any longer than that because I want what's best for both of them and not have them both in a stressed out situation where neither of them knows what to do..

I so admire your willingness, flexibility, and compassion. Our nation is not compassionate enough and we do not provide enough resources for children. Let's be honest -- children, in general, are NOT our priority -- money is. I did not become a parent, but I know it is a huge job and all parents need lots of support from "the village," let alone those that have children with special needs. I try and teach my students (college level) that we need so much more support for parents and children in this nation. You are doing more than your best to assist the next generation. We all need to do better -- not just parents and social workers.

I'm really glad you made this video. I really enjoyed it and I feel like I learned a lot. I also said that when I started fostering, that if they didn't have another placement for a child I would always take them so they didn't have to go into a facility or JD. Now I understand that, despite my good intentions, I need to think very seriously through whether or not I can handle a certain child, even for a day. Thank you. I know you felt guilty but that child will not forget the kindness they experienced in your home, even just for the evening.

Great information. Thank you for sharing.

Your heart is in the right place Consider more training. I think you could do this in the future.

Thankyou so so much !!! Great info for future Carers.

It’s a very good thing to remember that just because you are not the right fit for a child. It doesn’t mean that you are a bad parent. It just means you’re meant for another child who needs to receive what you have to offer.

I understand the guilt but I’m so glad you decided to do what you know you guys CAN do rather than what your gigantic heart WANTS to do for these kiddos 💕💯👏🙏👌

You did good!

Thank you SO MUCH for going through so much to help kids. I can only imagine how much this situation scarred your heart. There are NOT enough caring, empathetic people in the world like you, who work SO HARD to make a difference in kid's lives. You didn't just kick the kid out, you gave them a warm bath, and a new outfit. That must have helped that innocent child feel so much better. Be gentle with yourself and your hubby and kids. Don't look at this as a "fail." It was just a very painful learning experience. I have all the respect and admiration in the world for what you do, and all that you've been through. God bless your family, and may Heavenly angels ALWAYS guide you.