This is totally me. I really don’t appreciate when people I am not super close to over share, and I make it pretty known that I am not open to that. I would like to provide some insight as to why some people don’t appreciate vulnerability from General conversations with people that they aren’t close to: I have no way to confirm! That’s what it really comes down to. I was in a domestic violence class in law school and a girl shared with the entire class that in her domestic dispute, her and her boyfriend were both almost arrested, even though supposedly, he hit her first. I did not extend sympathy because I could not confirm if what she was saying was true or not. Later in the year, I found out through the grapevine (after she was kicked out) that she had some serious mental health issues and that she accused several different people of abuse and none of it was true. I say all of this to say- unless I have YEARS worth of context about you, I have no genuine sense of verification if your sob story is something that actually happened. I also happen to be a very thick skinned person who has been through major things (like most people have) *and have completely healed* and 99% of the time, I don’t view your perceived trauma, as trauma that you shouldn’t be over by now. I know that we all have different brain chemistry and levels of resilience, and I empathize with people who sincerely struggle- but I feel that with victimhood being so trendy right now, that 90% of the sob stories I hear are displayed for attention.

​@@Soleil5291"completely healed" 😂

Can you elaborate on why seeking attention for trauma is inappropriate? Because a girl in class lied a lot?

​@Soleil5291 Every thought, word, action, emotion, feeling, intention, is a bid for attention. Even commenting on KZfaq videos comments. ❤ We'll give us that attention! We definitely deserve it! 😊❤

@@Soleil5291you’ve come out the other end without compassion for other people, so maybe there’s still some work to do…? “You have no proof” can be a very toxic sentiment to hear, for someone who has been abused. It is entirely possible that someone claiming abuse by a specific person has been badly abused and doesn’t know another way to cry for help. Societal disdain for someone with mental illness is the root of this problem in our society. Does that mean I have to fix them? No. I can sincerely wish them the best and still not want anything to do with them. I don’t have to use the lens of how their situation is a burden on me.

being vulnerable is one dimensional be vulnerable be invulnerable be discerning - do all three

that's the risk you take. but it's worth it when you meet the right people.

Well said.

when my ex was expressing vulnerability it actually made me uncomfortable - my son does this. I feel so upset. This is one of my toxic cycles. I do. I feel like I have no value when he shuts me down and I want to change. I am interested in if you can describe how that discomfort feels or why you are uncomfotable with it. I take it personally and it's really unfair to my son. Thank you for sharing. Maybe Heidi can chime in here.

@@jenniferg6818 there’s no free lunch

I've noticed this recently as I've been getting better at setting boundaries and noticing red flags. It's been a struggle to get here but its nice to notice these things finally.

wait, could you explain this concept? Or refer me to a video that does?

@@Angelica-sq9lh in a nutshell, passive CNs can sometimes exert control and get attention by acting more dependent than they need to be, or coercing and triangulating other people to wait on them, cover for them or pick up mess after them. Then they'll play the innocent, sweet, vulnerable beleagured victim if they're called on it, or worse crybully. It's a variation on the general NPD theme, and the textbook examples of grandiosity that most people cite.

@@Angelica-sq9lh narcs will use sob stories to manipulate your emotions to feel sorry for them. They use your own empathy against you in this way. Trauma people get vulnerable because they lack those healthy boundaries (what this video is about) but narcs use vulnerability on purpose to manipulate your emotions and keep you in their clutches. One type is messy and the other type is dangerous.

I hope we can Coping our reaction , avoidant from each other. End up with confidence for feel conected.

❤❤❤ I'm proud of you for seeing it, leaving it, processing it, and growing yourself! Challenges with sneaky guilt definitely happens, and by golly that sucks! But you've come so far already - you've got this! 💪

This was a great self evaluation.. and I wish you keep in touch with yourself.

Yes, same for me as well.

We all do, if we seek a partner. We are all looking for a parent. It is a universal manifestation of the immaturity of human psyche at our current evolutionary level, yet worshiped as “romantic love” religion by literature, pop songs, movies etc.

Ugh that’s such a big red flag! Probing your soft spots without revealing his own is such a set up for abusing you

@@halcyondays8945 he’d play both sides of the field so it was so difficult to call him out. He’d claim he was having to tread on eggshells when I asserted my boundaries and I do have quite a few boundaries and he didn’t understand the concept of those. I let few people in but gave him the chance because of our historical context. He couldn’t take criticism but because he imposed his disguised caring qualities which were actually his snobby standards on me, I forgave him. But I’m really struggling to move on from the abused trust despite him saying he couldn’t no longer trust me when he imposed further demands for me to express my feelings to him before I had fully processed them. He’s now blocked me. I’m shattered is an understatement. Thanks for your comment btw.

I really relate to the first few sentences of your comment! I’m used to thinking of myself as an open book, and have a hard time holding things back even when I know it’s probably wise for me to do so. over the last few months I’ve been finding it very helpful to think of myself as taking time to really slow down and appreciate the process of letting intimacy with people I care about gradually unfold piece by piece - to think of it not as holding myself back from intimacy, but rather honoring and enjoying every step along the journey of building a connection with someone, instead of trying to rush ahead to the end destination!

What means "C" at CPTSD?

@@indrawatir7734omplex (as in due to multiple events over a long period of time vs a single or specific events).

I have never come across a man who is as self aware as you sound. Very few women either tbh. That type of introspection and self awareness was frowned on within my family. Good luck with your mother, I think fearful avoidant would create cptsd. I picture it being like a hungry fox trying to get food, - approach avoid, approach avoid - or the character of Ali (?) from the movie the Breakfast Club. The factor I hadn’t been aware of was the core emotion of disgust being evoked when others demonstrate vulnerability. All the avoidants (except maybe anxious) have that? Its a hard emotion for them to overcome and very difficult for a child to be raised in a healthy emotional way with that going on. I experienced that from my parents & my entire family actually. I can’t work out why I just didn’t turn out to be straight avoidant like they are but seem to be anxious (initially anyway). Have to listen to more of these videos..

@@Ikr2025 yeah I was gonna comment the same about @Paul Tan.

It's kind of weird to try to put the cat back in the bag after all that sharing. I think we'd need a few more details from her as to why. It's understandable from your point of view why you feel you over shared but there's always more behind the scenes

As far as I remember, no, Daring Greatly does not talk about rejection. The Brene Brown reference at the beginning of this video is just a nod to her overall contribution to popular psychology‘s understanding of the importance of vulnerability. The concept first went widespread in her TED talk on it.

That's an interesting thought... I'm what ways are they helpless? And what do you mean by affording to be open?

triangulate what you mean by no vulnerablity - do you mean 1. you don't tell the truth 2. you don't share what bothers you 3. you don't care for the other person

I would like to know the relationship between the myers briggs personality types and attachment styles. Starting to wonder if everything just comes down to parental attachment styles childhood experiences at the end of the day!!

also psychology diagnoses hypothesis no psychologist has an overview of the human experience psychology certain human thoughts under a microscope, putting thought patterns under a microscope never shows you the complete picture

This video might be worth a re-watch for you. It certainly is for me. The problem is not expecting people to treat you respectfully. It’s about subconsciously transferring the ability and responsibility to regulate your emotions over to others and expecting them to do so for you. You are giving them power over you and leaving yourself defenseless. But you have agency. When it comes to the anxious-avoidant dance, it takes two to tango. It’s not something that is merely done to you. This video is crucial information for you to use your agency and remove yourself from that dynamic. What is your alternative? Waiting for them to heal and stop their contributions to the dynamic? You would just end up in the same dynamic with the next person.

@@MoschinoAmore hey thanks for your comment. Coregulation is a thing. Important one. Couples, friends, everyone are using it and it feels awesome (for me). Self soothing and self regulation can get the job done but does that mean we should always do it? Ppl create relationships based on their experiences with ppl. I'm not saying anxious ppl don't have issues of their own with staying with ppl that can't fulfill even 30% of their emotional needs at later point, but in their defense, relationship with an avoidant never starts there, anxious ppl get hooked on open, loving, free person that is able to show love right up to the point things get serious and fears kick in. And then suddenly you realise that loving person doesn't exist. So in the early days you might not have the slightest idea your partner is avoidant. Having expectations that your partner will be supportive and nurturing when you're being vulnerable is in my book healthy and if she/he isn't, they are not your person. And I give the same back. Namaste 🙌