It really grows on you

Finally getting to this! Aged a year, had myself a wee bit of a mental health crisis, but we're here :) This song actually took me a minute to get into simply because I was so hyper fixated on songs like Atlantic, Hypnosis, Alkaline, and Descending. I never really paid attention to the lyrics until the day someone on TikTok mentioned a line from this track: "Wash me clean again before I pull myself beneath the waves". That verse alone hooked me to this track and is the one that made me realize just how deep the lore truly dives, and now it's unskippable. To me, this song is almost like Vessel's actual realization that this relationship with Sleep that he seeks is unattainable. The beauty and wonder of Sleep that he was so enamored by before was simply his sight through rose-tinted lenses... and he's finally coming to his senses. Lyric Dissection Time! : For the time being I will still avoid my own questions And we both bury that history deep But you know I can hold my breath forever - (Our protagonist Vessel is going through the acceptance stage - unceremoniously, but he's trying his best - in coming to the eventual realization that it was all in his head. Both Vessel and Sleep are aware that this relationship, no matter how passionate it was, was never going to last... so they bury their history in an attempt to move on. But classic Vessel, forever the nostalgic, will constantly and silently fester and hope for another chance) For the time being You are still a perfect reminder Of what all of these scars on my arms are for If I can hold myself together - (For now, Vessel is going to use Sleep as a relic, a TOKEN, of all his past sins. And he's going to use them to help him build himself back up from his broken state, piece by piece. To use his pain, anger, and grief as a tool to improve himself finally) And I choke myself on sacred vapor Waiting on some holy favor Basking in the solace of regret And it seems my hell is your high water Wash me clean again before I Pull myself beneath the waves - (This line could have several interpretations, but the one I settled on: Vessel is coping by turning to certain substances of the inhalation variety to spiritually/emotionally cleanse himself, waiting on that divine relief... but wounds up just wallowing in his past compunctions yet again. He's come to realize that he's been so dependent on Sleep's happiness, even if it meant that he was harming himself in the process. Vessel was going through hell to make sure Sleep was floating on high water, and he was always looking for Sleep to give him that small dose of love, of spiritual cleansing, before diving beneath the waves of depression, turmoil, and tribulation time and time again) When the mouth of infinity Buries its teeth in me I'll smile through the agony for you And I know you still bear the weight of your own existence And you'll never bear the weight of two - (Vessel really loves his euphemisms of vorarephilia. As time passes on and eats away at him, he'll still smile through the pain despite him knowing that no matter how hard he tries to make the relationship last for the both of them... he knows it's too much to handle for the other party. A tale of unrequited love as old as time itself.) And I choke myself on sacred vapor Waiting on some holy favor Basking in the solace of regret And it seems my hell is your high water Wash me clean again before I Pull myself beneath the waves For the time being I will admit my defeat, again I will accept that I can't pretend We will ever be together - (For now, Vessel finally comes to terms that this is a losing battle. No matter how hard he tries, it was never going to work... so he's finally going to stop pretending as if it ever was.) I can't hold myself together - (The visceral scream Vessel lets out is telling us that while he's in the realm of reality and acceptance now, it doesn't make it hurt any less. This doesn't even need an explanation, you can just FEEL it) This song reminded me of all of my memories with my ex and how the relationship, looking back at it now, was very one-sided for 4 years. We were both young and naive, and wanted someone to cling onto and claim as our own. I tried my best to make the "love" last, and they were too timid to admit they no longer had feelings. In their own words, they "only had a crush on me, they didn't actually love me". I was distraught; going through nursing school, failing a semester, moving house because my family had to go bankrupt, and my grandfather falling ill and being hospitalized all was happening at the same time... and that's when they decided it was time to go. The worst part? I saw it coming. They were distancing themselves for months prior; we were in a long-distance relationship, so we'd communicate through text daily. But those days turned to every other day, to every few days, to once a week... they were always "busy" with something, and I was seemingly less and less important. Maybe they were going through something they weren't comfortable bringing up to me, despite my constant reassurance and urgence that I am a presence they could confide in. They broke up with me through text, so I called. I had an entire conversation ready in my head, and I was going to give them a piece of my mind. But all I did was cry. I cried until I couldn't anymore. I said goodbye, and I contemplated doing things to myself I am not proud of. I don't live very far from the Ambassador Bridge (drive right past it every day to work now, actually. Ironic, isn't it?), so it would've been so easy for me... but I didn't follow through. I don't know what made me refrain. Maybe it was fear, maybe it was cowardice, maybe I knew that this relationship was never going to last in the first place and denial or the need to call somebody "mine" was what dragged it on for years. Maybe it was an amalgamation of everything. Despite it all... I'm glad I didn't follow through. It's been 6 years since, and I've matured and learned to take my pain to use as a tool for me to grow stronger. And while it still hurts to remember, I hold no resentment towards them. I hope they're doing okay. I had to take several breaks writing this simply because of how close this track hits home. Letting go of something you've loved and cherished for so long that you no longer can fathom living past is one of the hardest parts of the grieving process for me, but it is the most necessary for personal growth. And I know I say this about a lot of Sleep Token songs, but this one especially struck a chord for me on a most personal level. P.S.: AYYYYY FALL OUT BOY MENTIONED!

The raw agony he channels into that final “and I can’t hold myself together” scream at the end actually breaks my heart

Loved this track!

This album ❤

Love y'all sm❤

My favorite off this album.

High water is not a good thing