“Sometimes I ask myself; do I feel like a man, or a woman? And the answer is that I feel like shit”

"I do not wish to be perceived" and "do not refer to me" are SUCH moods.

Appreciate you so much! 💛 honestly I’d never thought deeply about my gender / how I feel about it, until this year (especially due to so many of my pals coming out as trans.) I’m very comfortable as a woman but I still find it beneficial to consider and examine different parts of my identity, presentation, etc.

"my gender is a fine cloud of mist" - more relatable words have never been spoken

My NB journey was about 7 years of "I'm a human. If you MUST call me a woman, fine. I sure do look like one." never knowing that anyone else felt like this, or knowing that it was "a thing" or "possible". Frankly, I still don't know where I'm going with ~all this~ but that's ok. And so are you :)

"I am not a boy; I am not a girl; I am a *threat*." Jokes aside I gave up on gender in my mid twenties? And wasn't particularly attached when I was younger, either xD But NB was a whole *discovery* for me and made so much sense

"my gender is a fine cloud of mist" Beautiful

'who am I when no-one else is looking' is the biggest mood of 2020 and 2021

I think you're right about having the internal and external gender identity. I champion those that are able to separate the two. I think for me, I don't feel attached to the idea of feminity in how society perceives it. At the same time I feel so much like a woman when I feel the oppression. What makes me feel like a woman is misogyny and wanting to push back on the patriarchy. It's, for me, hard to separate the internal and external identity. Because the external has such an effect on my gender identity. I don't portray myself as androgynous in any way, on purpose. And I almost feel if I were to present more masculine - on the one hand it's redefining what it should mean to be a woman. But on the other hand it feels patriarchal because masculine then becomes reached for. Why should I reject my feminity? I'm rambling now. But then I don't want to be constrained by feminine expectations: being hairless/fuckable etc.

Been watching you for years and it’s so nice to see you growing up! Makes me a little less terrified x

It’s a really weird feeling to be in your late 20s/30s and still be figuring things out with gender and sexuality, but there’s just much more community, safety, and information available now than ever before so it makes sense to be questioning more. I was 32 before I realized/internalized that I’m biromantic demisexual, and it felt like a world-changing realization at the time. In actuality, it’s been a relief and has helped me understand myself as a whole so much more completely.

I’ve been having really similar feelings for a while now too. I like the idea of going by they/them but I can’t help but wonder if that’s due to some internalised misogyny or if it’s because of the shitty experiences I’ve had due to being a woman. It’s so confusing and I’m honestly really scared to talk to anyone in my life about it. I had to move back in with my Dad, sister, step mum and her kids during lockdown; they’re the kind of people that still make identifying as an apache helicopter “jokes”. I’ve been struggling so much with my mental health for years and complete lack of self identity, it’s only gotten so much worse during everything. It’s just terrifying and exhausting dealing with all these thoughts and emotions and confusion about everything. Oh blimey I waffled on a bit there, but anyway, I’m really thankful for this video, it’s comforting to know there are other adults out there still trying to figure things out.

I think throughout all our lives we're told to do certain things and dress a certain way because of our biological sex. And I just think it's wrong to have these rules set up so early on. Society has decided the do's and don'ts before you've even entered the world. Now people are starting to realize that they don't fit into one box and that's okay. The world is obsessed with assigning you to a specific thing, before we've even decide what person we want to be

I don’t have very much of note to add to this discussion other than to say you are excellent and I’ve loved and appreciated hearing your thoughts on this. I hope you feel appreciated!

Dunno if you’re already aware of Spectra London but they’ve been holding online group chats twice a month for non-binary people. Attending really helped me grow comfortable with my own feelings of gender (or lack thereof) as a 30yo, plus they’re a fun and friendly group of people. 😊

I relate so strongly to 'do not refer to me'. Talking about people in the third person is something I do increasingly rarely. You are 'you' to me, and you are 'me' to you, and I am 'you' to you, and I am 'me' to me. No gender is needed in first and second person; why is it so necessary in the third? In general the third person seems so removed, so unfamiliar, and so unnecessary now that during lock down our social and external lives have shrunk and becone more internal.

Thanks for posting this Lex, I have been feeling kind of EXACTLY the same way recently and it's so nice to see you talk about this. We don't havbe to have all the answers but talking about it makes us all feel less alone!

I love this, this is basically my feelings too. I saw Shaaba on KZfaq say that even if she didn't have a corporeal form she'd still be a woman and I was like what? Is that how people experience gender? Can't relate.

I found this so relatable, and also deeply comforting. I've had a similar journey over the past year, but because it's been happening in private, I've also felt deeply hesitant to talk to people about it...partly from not being able to fully articulate the experience and partly out of worry that it wouldn't be taken seriously. Seeing this today was super affirming and I definitely feel at least a little less alone!!!

Love this! Always appreciate your openness and honesty - thank you for sharing a bit of your journey with us. I think a lot of people are feeling the same.

Lex, you are helping so many people with this kind of honesty - thank you so much and wishing you all the love and happiness in the world! x

Thank you for this, your Instagram poll was very influential in making me think about my own gender and how little I feel attached to it. You put this into words that I could not!

Same. Gender is just something that I do not want to participate in.

also I'm sorry people on youtube suck :( I know this will be but a splash in the onslaught of transphobia you're reading, but I really appreciate you taking the time to share.

i relate to this title way too much. i'm working so hard to feel like myself and i can't seem to find that, getting dressed in the morning is a struggle and really shouldn't be this hard. i think we need to realise that we can just take our time to figure ourselves out, but it's really tough.

Thank you so much for this video. I’m going to try not to write a novel in the comments but everything you’ve said about gender really resonated with me. I’ve been talking with my gf about how I don’t feel entirely like a woman and that I am so drawn to feeling nonbinary but at the same time I don’t feel sure enough to declare it to the world when that’s so big. But surely no cis person thinks about it/feels so nonbinary this much lol. Really made my heart warm to hear you, and it made me feel a little more sure of me. Thank you, sending all the love xx

“when i reenter society” had such a regency vibe then i remembered you literally wrote a book so that makes sense

this is so powerful and honest, thank you for making it

The video I needed today. I've also been on a journey of introspection and asking myself the questions no one else did. I think asking, "who am I when I'm alone" is such a great way to put it. I also ask myself, am I searching for the right words/labels for myself or to appease the comfort of others? It's a wild journey. It can be overwhelming and sometimes I just wanna shrug and say, "I'm just a human, but tell me more about you :)" . Thank you for sharing.

This is a whole vibe. Thank you for making it. Thank you especially for what you said about outing yourself consistently. I can't explain why exactly, but it helped. (and sending you all of the good vibes on the book.) Best wishes!

I've been going through this exact same process for the past year and I can't tell you what a relief it is to hear someone else articulate it so well. Thank you 💕

Thank you so much for vocalizing something I’ve been feeling for so long!

I spent so much of my formative years so actively hating the fact that I was born female and so strongly rejecting it. It was then confusing as I got older and started to educate myself around gender vs sex etc. I now believe that most of my anger was me just rejecting the roles and stereotypes projected on me but there’s still this little part of me that doesn’t sit comfortably. It’s a lifelong learning process but I just try to just think of only how I see myself and not how others see me. Great video ❤️

this is very relatable! especially when you fall on the lgb spectrum, because you’re already evaluating how your sexuality relates to your gender and how it goes against traditional gender norms in a heteropatriarchal society. so many lesbian and bi afab people i know and have talked to feel alienated to their assigned gender because of this. the definition of “what it is to be woman” starts to fall apart pretty quickly when you actually examine it.

I've been a pretty long time on and off watcher and I'm so happy for you in learning, and coming to new understandings of yourself! Wishing you all the best and also the novel sounds great

I’m turning 30 in May and have also been thinking a lot about my gender and I very much relate to everything you said here. Thank you for sharing 💕 Also very much relate to “my gender is Howl” 😂

Thank you!!!!! 💜 I’ve had the same realization recently. It felt so validating to have someone voice my thoughts

I really enjoyed this- thanks for putting it into words so well. It’s never been something I’ve had to think about right now, and I didn’t realise I was questioning everything until I had to fill out the census? And I didn’t have a definite answer. Sending you lots of love

thank you for sharing your experience, great to hear that you’ve found a label you resonate with ❤️ honestly the best thing about lockdown has been not having to be perceived by people i don’t know or don’t choose to interact with. looking forward to going outside again but being perceived just seems to hit a lot harder now. especially going back to working in a customer facing job.

Love this 💕

Just here to say that I really appreciate you talking about this!! And also that I preordered your book and am really looking forward to it, can't wait to read it!

I worked out my gender after literal years of going hmm I don't quite feel like a woman and occasionally mentioning it to those close to me. I came out around when I was 23 but I've definitely seen people coming out as trans and/or non binary more over the past year and it probably is down to having that time to think without other people's input reinforcing your perceived gender identity. I've been out somewhat for years but it's confusing even now. I think it's very easy to think 'well you've found a word so sorted now!' and my feelings about my gender are not easy to explain or even for me to understand I'm glad figuring it out has brought you some level of comfort

Great video, thanks for posting this. I can’t wait for your book!

This is such an interesting discussion and I’m happy for you figuring out more about yourself. Also normalising learning more about these things later in life! Yes! Sending you lots of love ❤️

Thank you for sharing this. I think the pandomime has sent many people over the self-reflection edge. I will think more about who I am when no one is watching.

this felt v well articulated- I agree with you a lot about how the world today has opened up the possibility to explore & conceive of ourselves differently, more openly. what a glorious thing. have a good one, lex 💗💗💗💗

thank you so much for talking about this! i am not eloquent but very much agree with everything here and also sending lots of love and support

There are so many things to consider, specifically with things like our gender identity and gender expression, and it's important that we do, even if the answer is what you thought it was all along. Thank you for sharing your story and inviting us to consider these things too!

The way you talk about issues + explore topics really resonates with me- I think you have a really interesting brain and I really hope you continue to make content (if its the right decision for you of course)

I’ve been watching your videos for a really long time and I’ve always found that you explain complex issues, that can feel daunting to ask about, really well. Thanks!

This was so helpful and comforting. Thank you, Lex!

It's nice seeing you on my screen again

I'm so glad you had the space to figure this out!! I've identified as nonbinary for almost 7 years now but even for me, lockdown gave me the opportunity to really think about my gender and discover new things about it - especially since I had just started hormones when lockdown started. it's really been a journey!! really happy for you!

i’ve watched your videos for years and always felt like you have an older sibling vibe so this video feels so comforting and i feel so proud of u (as weird as that sounds considering i don’t know u lol), sending lots of love !!!

I just saw this video pop up in my recommended and wow, you just perfectly described everything! I feel *exactly* the same! I feel so heard right now ❤️ thank you!!

As a non binary person who has a strong attachment to masculinity, it's always really interesting to hear from non binary people who don't have a gendered feeling about themselves. Thank you for sharing 💓

Thanks for making this video, despite what some ignorant people might comment. I’m sure it helped more people than you can imagine 💚

Thank you for sharing Lex, this was really eye opening. Take care! And I can't wait for your book!

Absolutely good for you Lex, really well put video. I hope that this self discovery still continues to be a positive journey & that any outside influences when the world opens again don't stifle you realising yourself

Just chiming in to say how much I appreciate your honesty and transparency in learning about yourself. I’d never questioned my sexuality until in my twenties when you openly talked about bisexuality, and you are a big part of the reason that I figured out and accepted myself as bi 💙 also so excited to read your book!

Thank you for feeling safe to share in this space. 😘

Thanks so much for doing a video like this Lex. I have a someone close to me who is going through a similar journey as you in terms of identity and watching this I feel like I might understand them a bit better now.

thank you so much for making this video. finding out what I feel around this subject has been one of the most important parts of figuring out my desires and aspirations for the past five years. that's why when you started referring to yourself in different pronouns on social media I was so pleased and comforted. especially because I've been watching your content for years and you've been one of my favorites on youtube. being yourself is brave, even if right now it's only in your apartment. I hope this part of you will be an opportunity and not a setback, I know that I'm trying to make that happen for myself. thank you for making the world a bit less lonely for people like us. best of luck!

This video lines up near-perfectly with my current relationship with gender. Best of luck to both of us and anyone else going through the same🖤

i really loved hearing you talk about this! thank you for making this video

Thanks for explaining and lots of strength in your journey lex 💚

I feel exactly the same way. Thank you for making this video 🧡

Great video Lex :)

I really appreciate you for making this video. It’s so good to openly talk about and especially to thousands of viewers. Honestly I have never related to gender, even as a young child... I decided one day I wasn’t a girl and no, I wasn’t a boy either. I’m certain a lot of people thought I was FTM growing up. Especially into my later teens... I had to explain to people’s open thoughts on the matter of MY gender, that no I am not a man because I cut my hair short, and neither am I because I expose my hairy legs and don’t shave my armpits. And the most difficult was, no, I’m not a man just because I don’t feel like I’m a ‘woman’. It’s been such a struggle to kind of understand that feeling of a lack of in the sense of this part of identity until I learned that having no gender actually is a gender and it’s a box that perfectly describes me. But sadly it’s still taken me until lockdown, where I literally can’t physically face any potential uncomfortable conversations, that I’ve actually come out as non binary using they/them pronouns. It’s been half a year and yet I still get misgendered on the daily. Which really isn’t filling me with confidence for when we ‘get out’. But oddly it’s kind of been a sanctuary to start expressing myself and hopefully many others. In conclusion I think gender is mostly a construct and honestly regardless of identity, if we all were to literally treat others just simply as humans, with no labels, people expressing themselves wouldn’t be so darn difficult. The end. P.S. Thank you for making this video. P.P.S. I haven’t seen your videos in a while and honestly it’s been great to see your face. Okay thanks bye. 🙃

as soon as you said howl feom howl's moving castle the way i see you changed. in a very very good way

I really appreciated this. Because it's something I've been thinking about in lockdown as well. I have lost quite a bit of identity in the process of presenting in public with little more fuss than a mask and it HAS made me think harder about how I identify and whether those inclinations toward "womanhood" are as strong as I once thought. Thank you for your sensitive and vulnerable voice on this topic.

thank you for posting this. i've loved watching you grow for the last . . . 13 years i've followed this channel??? i know it sucks here a lot of the time and i do love your instagram stories but just know you're valued here to

literally same, I'm a few years older than you but everything else you said was so so close to my experience of trying to figure this whole Gender thing out. thank you so much for putting this into words. I am glad you know yourself better now, and I hope you're doing okay.

I've been doing a lot of self-reflection recently, not necessarily about gender, but it was comforting to hear your perspective on self-discovery. Thanks for making this video, Lex. Look forward to your book!

This is a brilliant video, Lex! Thank you for sharing

Thank you for your honesty

You ig poll was really interesting! I feel comfortable in identifying as a woman but I never felt particularly strongly connected to that identity. I don’t know what I am really, like everyone else, if I could not be referred to at all, that would be grand! Great video and your background is goals, I’m dying to have a picture wall like that 💕

Love and support to you! Thank you for sharing this ♥️

I’ve been working through the same feelings and am trying to figure out what terms define me but at the same time don’t necessarily want to be bound by those terms. It’s complicated! But hearing someone else talk about it makes me feel a lot better about it :)

Love you Lex. Sending this to my NB friend to help explain it to their family. Thankyou for posting this despite the transphobia and intense vulnerability hangover it may have caused x

It means a lot to me that you’ve made this video. It made me think a lot about my notions of gender and about how I perceive myself. And I know that this couldn’t have been easy to make, so thank you for making it.

This was really articulate, well considered and thoughtful and raised some points I had never considered before - thank you for sharing Lex and best of luck continuing to learn and understand yourself more ☺️

I love this video and the way you’ve articulated this, I shall not perceive you as per your wishes but the general aura around you is ✨v cool✨

I don't usually post comments, but to combat the inevitable bad ones, I wanted to add a positive one here. Thank you for sharing this part of yourself with us. It's given me some stuff to think about too, especially your comment about "if we strip away all the societal expectations to do with gender, what is left?". So thank you and good vibes to you. Cant wait for Reputation!

It's great to see a video from you Lex and glad you're figuring out ways of presenting that feel more authentic. Good luck on your "whole entire gender journey". I'm pretty lucky to basically align with what I was given at birth, but like, it takes so much self-insight to actually look inwards and admit you don't. Kudos.

proud of you Lex!! very much relatable and thoughtful and luv yous xo

Thank you so much for this video! Until I watched this I literally thought I was the only one who felt this way, having a specific gender crisis during lockdown which, as you say, was partly brought on by the expectation to put pronouns in bios/zoom names etc. It's weird getting to a point and realising you haven't really examined your gender identity and now being too afraid to ask. Such a relatable video, particularly the part about your gender being Howl or a veil of mist. Thank you for this!!:))

the pressure to define identity concretely for the benefit of others is #relatable content

I didn't know non binary gender was an option until I was in my twenties. After growing out of 'tomboy' I spent a few years panicked that I was trans, because I knew I felt masculine, but I didn't want to stop being female. Now I identify as gender fluid, more than anything. I'd describe you as demigender or agender, from my experience of many different non binary acquaintances, (if you need to toss a label at someone to appease their curiousity. ) I have been lucky. By absolute chance, my partner is nigh genderless, and I have all the genders, and between us we manage to be spouses and parents, all without laws having to change to include us. I live for the day when a person's gender is almost never referred to in professional and public settings, and talking of gender is reserved to courtship situations only.

been following you since i was a teen (we're about the same age) and i am trans and nb myself, i dont know if i have any words that could help you because ofc we dont know eachother but just take your time, experiment and self reflect and im sure you already know that you will be loved and supported just as you are: the witty, clever and funny person that i've been following for years! take care

I don't really care about my gender, which sounds flippant, but it's not, I don't care, I don't think it's important. I just wear what I want and feel whatever I feel. I am human.

Thank you for this video. Some of these points you mention are the exact feelings I've been going through this past year. Just hearing them from someone else feels very validating and makes me feel less alone. I wish we'd live in a world where we'd be able to express this better. For now, I will continue to cringe at every form that asks me "men, women or diverse?"

This comment is just to say that I've been a sub to you for 10 or 11 years? And I just want to say how much I appreciate you, it's been amazing to grow up almost alongside you (I hope that's not presumptious to say). We share the same birthday, and you actually came out as bisexual right when I was also figuring that out for myself. You're an amazing and strong person, I'm so excited to read your book and continue to watch you grow

Thank you so much for this video 💜 I've definitely found lockdown to be a time of self-examination as well, mostly sexuality wise but a bit of gender as well - have definitely had the feeling of gender being a bit of a performance, and that nagging feeling I should have figured all this stuff out before my late twenties. Great video and good on you

Thank you so much for making this video! "Well, I was assigned female at birth, I don't think I'm a man, so I'll just crack on" is how I've felt for a long, long time. I'm 30 and I've only recently started using they/them in addition to she/hers. Thank you for helping me feel seen!

Really appreciate this video! It helps me consolidate my feelings about my own gender. Also I've pre-ordered your book, can't wait! ❤️🎉

Also this has nothing to do with anything, but I really like the editing in this video

I really feel this video 100%, but also it triggered the yucky feelings about some parts of my body a bit (which is my own fault for watching this, I know). I'm happy you're so open about this, Lex. Thank you for sharing

I also started exploring my gender when I was pushing 30 and discovered that I feel much less in touch with womanhood than I thought I did. I have many trans/non-binary friends but I never saw it in myself until I took a second to examine it. Wish I’d had that conversation with myself sooner!

Thank you for this video. I really appreciated your perspective and it really resonated with me. Wishing you all the best.