This is creeping me out because my ex BF charmed me to get me - then it took years to realize there was a black void behind the charming smile, that he was a "psychic vampire." He got his prize - me - and then put me to work as his "handler," like a stars personal assistant. I almost lost my career, lost my credit, house, some friends who turned out to be his "narcissistic supply". Awful to learn that "happily ever after" turned out to be a life or death situation w/a BF who was devoid of soul

The woman narcissist in my life nearly destroyed me. Broke me down. I believed that I was stronger than that. Unbelievable experience from the person that I once loved.

Wow. We are all disposable to a narc.... even those they are currently pursuing at the time. Their attention or respect is only ever temporary- at best!

A nightmare from which you struggle to awake...all hosted by pure evil

In a nutshell then, they use people as if they were chewing gum, when the flavor is gone they just spit it out, right? ;-)

This is my ex. I'm mad at myself for not seeing this earlier. He left me drained and questioning my self worth.

Mine was a text book example of overvaluation, devaluation and discard.....I had never come across this before - a real babe in the woods - sad and a hard lesson to learn

I was with a N man for 5 years...I have watched all of your footage....I was unaware 5 years ago, around year 3-3.5 it became clear to me that something was wrong. ...I've spent the last year + moving away from him..and severing the relationship. ..I learned a lot about myself, I have learned to love myself and set proper boundaries. ...this, was truly the worst experience of my life! The sad thing is It took me 5 years to get out....But I'm happier than ever!

No worse feeling when your body n soul start to get uneasy around them bcuz it knows they are ready to start a fight , say something mean ur gut knows it doesn’t wana be around them

This says it all. I’ve experienced it over and over again with the same narcissist. It’s awful! But, yet, I continue to test the theory every time, in hopes that it’s not really true and that he does like me?! Nope... Let hope go. When you can do that, You can let go and move on. It will never change. They will never change. It’s a dance of dumb shit and a major mind fuck. I finally got it this time so, no regrets. I just hope I don’t attract another one.

I do not know if I would be able to recover form the abuse I experienced, it felt almost demonic, like he knew my deepest vulnerabilities and knew exactly what to say to crush my soul, like I faced evil in its purest form, he damaged my self esteem, discarded and devalued me, I have been struggling since my childhood with things that my Dad told me and friends told me and criticized my looks and he did exactly the same but it was almost like million times more intense and more devastating, I can't even describe the pain, felt like non human.

so true I have been in a relationship that followed this exact pattern. Lied to and used for 5 yrs and when the supply from me dried up! When I saw through the mask, he was already sourcing his next supply and I was dumped without second thought! No closure even told I was the one who wished it all along!?..Next supply had been a previous source who was also dumped but who is co-dependent and believes the Narc to be her "soul mate" I know he doesnt see her that way she is SUPPLY pure and simple

This really hit home. He just described what my soon-ex wife is/did....it is sad and pathetic. Once you realize where their head really is, and the fact that they really don't have a soul, it becomes much easier to deal with. Good luck to anyone who has the unfortunate position of being in a relationship w one of these monsters....they will suck you dry.

The more i listen to all the various videos, the more i am in total disbelief and sometimes even disgusted to know that they just go through a constant cycle of destruction! They could have the best person ever, in their life, and they would find a way to destroy the relationship, even if it means making up stuff that just never happened and isn't true at all!! But listening to this video i started to think... because they have that trapped kid inside of them that the false self is trying to protect... and because they are an adult now, but with many kid like tendencies, perceptions, etc... the reason why they get bored fast is the same way a child plays with a toy and then gets bored, of the toy, and picks up another toy to play with! Maybe they look at us like toys and they just constantly need a new toy! In other videos they say they look at us as objects and a toy is an object, so maybe it's all one in the same... what a horrible way to treat anyone!

Its 3 years since me and the narcissist finished and i am still stunned by his stance when he just stood there and said i was no longer needed as he was a changed man and did not want me anymore - what a lovely speciman (not)

Got your book Sam, and I love it. Lots of insight. Now, I must say that in my experience, when the narcissist is rejected and/or dumped that is when he/she pulls out their claws and does all those bad things to you the objectified object of their desire turned object of their hatred. As long as they are kept on their little pedestal that they built for themself, all is well. They shower you with gifts, etc. but say "no" one time and it's over! They can't handle "no." Nobody is supposed to tell them "no." I usually can weed out a narcissist by telling them "no." Like, "no" I can't do that, or "no" you can't do that. A regular person would just say "ok" and maybe ask you why, but not the narcissist. The reaction is almost immediate. In their mind no one (excuse the pun) is supposed to deny them anything, ever. So once I see the reaction to "no" I know who/what I'm dealing with.

The approach-avoidance cycle is one of the major aspects that caused me to go full no contact with the narc I knew. After the last avoidance event, I just got fed up with the tantrums they'd have and all their sulking and pouting and acting offended and angry etc. It was all on repeat mode for years and tiresome to deal with and growing worse and more frequent the older they got. Of course, they'd always come back after a random length of time but now, I refuse to accept them back. They have no choice in the matter. They're done. That being said, they've already tried to make contact again after several months of their current tantrum and I simply didn't answer the phone and never will. If they come to my door acting all friendly and as if they've never shown their ass (as they've done many times in the past) I simply won't bother answering that either. And I feel I owe them no explanation- not that any explanation would suffice to make them understand anyway.I simply view them as something out of my past that is non productive , non beneficial and unhealthy to be around. Therefore, I choose to let them fade into history and vanish from sight forever.

My NPD got unreasonably aggressive, condescending, and verbally abusive when I could not or would not agree to spontaneous meetings or dates. He had absolutely no consideration of my schedule what so ever. That behavior in and of itself was so childish and inappropriate that it set off HUGE red flags. The funny thing I've come to see over the past few months (having been raised by a narcissistic mother), is that each time a new NPD enters my life, the charm, charisma, bullshit false self personality is put on so thick, that I don't see the true personality layers underneath. However, given enough time and rope the NPD will ALWAYS reveal him/herself and hang themselves. SO much growth on my part and in my lifetime through SO much pain in these relationships.

I will always love my sad sweet and broken narcissist whether he likes it or not. I see his beautiful soul under that mask. He may never let me in there but I see him and I love him. Maybe in the next life!!!!!!!

Sam, you are helping me to heal from an abusive and manipulative relationship. It took 26 years to understand that my feelings of confusion from the beginning of the relationship proved to be right. while he started a new life with a new person, I am still trying to find orientation in my new life - and I know I have to let go ...

Very informative...he came back into my life after 18 months...ha told my friend to have me call him...I did..I was treated like a queen. After about 3 weeks he came around less and less,. And finally he was supposed to meet and didnt show up. He said he forgot...yeah right! I started watching these videos, wondering how he could go from so much attention giving ...to nothing. I never heard from him since, I started watching all your videos, it really helped me to know that he is a narc!! I was just a fly in his spiders web! I'm gone!

But wait I can’t get over the academy award performance, the tears, the caring the doting gif years while he was having a double life. He dumped me when I declared my love after 12 years married and 16 of knowing each other. I must have been a pretty good source of supply to N ... until I wasn’t it. I was replaced quickly and effortlessly.,how can these ppl sleep peacefully at night after all the devastation they cause?

I am going through this nightmare.. he works on the same floor as me.. we were very close/intimate until..I caught him e-mailing other women in the office..confronted him..it was true..then he blocked me on the phone/whatsapp. And now I am discarded..he is now chatting to a close colleaugue friend of mine..no apologies nothing just blanks me walking past..I always said he was a child.. I will get over this...

Yes, Sam! The rollercoaster ... which he always tried to blame on me. The walking on eggshells, the tight tummy muscles from constant fear, his simmering rage just beneath the surface. How could someone who seemed so right in the beginning turn out to be so wrong for me. Those years are now a blur of ups and downs. Thank you again Sam :)

If you are planning to buy the PRINT edition of my book "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" (thank you!), my advice is: do NOT purchase it from Amazon. I sell only Kindle e-books via Amazon. New, authentic, cheaper PRINT copies of my book, directly from my publisher are available ONLY via Barnes and Noble.

When you mix someone with BPD tendencies and a Narcissist together I guess there are many fireworks.I am happy that I smacked him around now. No reason to feel guilty. He deserved it.I did get therapy and changed my ways. But hearing all of this...now makes me feel this way. I can tell you so many stories about how he used to tell me all the people he screwed over and he seemed to be proud of these accomplishments too. I wish I knew who I was dealing with at the time.

Did anyone else feel as though they had been abducted by an alien after relationship ended and your understanding thru education allowed you to begin healing?

The word parasite describes everything he's saying.

Wow, I did not realize how painful it is for a person to be a narcissist. I feel so sorry for the people I have known and been involved with who are narcissists. It is very sad. Thank you for the information. This is so helpful and has helped me understand so much better than I had before, even though I am a trained psychotherapist I had not fully understood this in this way.

I had a female friend who claimed to be an empathy and a victim of narcissistic abuse by the man she left her husband for. The more she built me up the more I wondered what would happen when disappointment inevitably set in. She ended up discarding me in a way designed to cause upset and anger when I was going through a rough patch. Funny thing is that this friendship paralleled an earlier one where I was idealised and discarded, although in this case I got demoted from a friend in the inner circle to merely an acquaintance. Damaging to my ego but hardly the "narcissistuc injury rage" attack from what turned out to be a covert narcissist. At least I have been put on notice that women with bad parents and narcissist issues are the type who take an interest in me. Of course I am uncovering my own set of codependent/narcissist issues which comes with the territory with having parents who failed to do a "good enough" job.

It sounds so terrifying but is all true...I've been trough all of this...still having shivers down my spine remembering all this torment...these people truly act like monsters, I just wish i didn't had them in my life, it would be so much better...and how come that they always pray on genuine people who truly love to kill their hopes and dreams??

This makes sense why when I was crying over my grandmas death why instead of being concerned was met with anger

I'm reading this in 2020 and I'm mind blown at the accuracy of the analysis for my narc. Thank you Sam Vaknin. #NotallHerosWearCapes

Wow. U just described my ex's entire being, Thank you, thank you!

I’m in tears! I’ve gotten more clarity here than from “my person.” Thank you.

I can imagine as a narcissist it really would be amazing & wonderful to have someone new to "feed" off of. So when they say "You're so great, I'm so glad I found you", of course they're happy! We just don't realize those words have a different meaning to an N. We think "Awe, they like me" when yeah, they like how we taste O_O

Thank you so much for sharing this. Omg, I was on a dream path with an apparent soul mate sharing the same life goals as artists. I gave my all to her. We bonded so much, in ways Ive never experienced, reaching heights far beyond all relationships Ive had before, just for her to latch on to her new narc supply - my fucking (now ex) assistant who is now her manager. I could not believe after we shared so much after about 2 years, how so quickly she could discard and betray me when someone more serving would come her way. I never thought such a thing could happen after we shared so much "love" from so many different streams of life. Got to be so aware and pay attention to all red flags... the red flags were there (very shocking ones), but because she was capable of giving so much "love", closeness and bonding, I pushed those red flags aside. I however don't regret how things ended up (even though it was devastating) since I have learnt so much and have now made sure to put myself on a far better life path.

Thank you so much. I have been struggling for years to figure out why my husband of ten years could just pick up and dump me at the drop of a hat with very little remorse. It's been so painful and I am so grateful this video was produced.

EVERY TIME I LISTEN TO ONE OF THESE NARC SHOWS I LEARN SOMETHING DIFFERENT. JUST WHEN I THOUGHT I KNEW EVERYTHING ABOUT THOSE "THINGS"

Everything in this segment describes my situation to a T. I know the exact moment when I lost value. It was when I told him about my childhood abuse at the hands of my father. His reaction was to shrink in his chair and not say a word, I almost expected him to hide under the table. Very odd reaction for someone who worshipped me so! you would think he would be sympathetic or concerned, not at all. It was as if I turned from a diamond into a turd. Of course I found out later that he is a notorio

I was utterly seduced by being idealized by the narcissist. Married him & had children & even stayed after he was arrested by the FBI on parental kidnapping charges. (He had an alias that he hid under which I believed.) After members of his family of origin moved to our state (& some even into our home) I felt devalued. Puzzled & betrayed, I sensed that I was replaced & was being pushed out. I sensed that I was out of time & options & felt crushed. I left with our children & established custody.

Gaining so much insight to my ex arc. Took 23 years to be finally discarded. So happy to know next supply will soon be devalued.....

The best material on Narcissist ever.

So he sabatoges the relationship from the very beginning. Via ideaization.

My ex husband was a narcissist I was at a point I was only questioning my self what did I do after the love bombing stage and devaluing humiliation thank God I broke free with bit sanity I had left remaining

I was told by my ex narcissist that she would discuss with me anything that would be important in our relationship if things changed, she never did, only after I was told her feelings had changed a couple of months before we split, I was being played for a good while in her silly game..

I've heard elsewhere that at about the 6 month mark their masks begin to slip off. Even moreso if things are "going well" because they become comfortable around their supply. I'm also wondering if their expression/idealization (infatuation, how amazing, wonderful, awesome, perfect, adorable etc) is genuine, in that they are expressing genuine excitement? Not so much genuine feelings for the supply, but verbally expressing how happy they are to have found this supply?

just went through this cycle. 3 month long relationship. I should have ran the moment I felt a red flag go off in my antenna/intuition, at around the 1.5/2 month mark. first, love bombing..."i love you. I miss you. i need you here. etc etc"...as well as drawing out the same expressions of the same (real and genuine) from me and harvesting emotional information. but then, hard, cold, disassociated pull back...."but we hardly know each other. we're just getting to know each other. i need you to do X, in order for me to feel comfortable moving forward." and then eventually, provocation...where I had a blow up at her as a reaction. and that blow up, on my end (because i'm human and can only take so much of the bs), made ME look like the monster, of course...then she hurled extremely low/cruel blows during the argument...because hey, the person already knows my weak points and insecurities...from the aforementioned harvesting of info. and then, her final pullback...and eventually, complete ghosting. in the case of this lady, none of this was malicious. she's not even aware of it, i don't think. it's sort of on auto-pilot..due to trauma. loss of a brother. loss of a father. being the black sheep of the family. non-connection with women in her family. having a child with a narcissist and/or being attracted to one, prior to meeting me. fun times.

To a tee! Always needing that superior admiration from whatever projects he started. The points made at 10 mins 30 secs in is exactly what I experienced.

I don't think I'm a narcissist exactly, but I recognise the patterns of infatuation and idealisation, and subsequent disillusionment and it's killing me inside. In fact, reflecting back on my childhood, they characterised much of my youth though I wasn't necessarily conscious of it at the time. Perhaps I'm just codependent or borderline, or both, but there's definitely something going on here. It hit fever pitch during an intimate and romantic communication with who was quite frankly the most intelligent and compelling woman I've ever had the pleasure of speaking with. I have certain gut-level, stringent ideals with regards to both morality and interpersonal conduct and it seemed as though she was aligned with every one - except for one case in which she had fundamentally transgressed them in a way I felt as inexcusable, even though I could accept her rationale. It ripped through me like a knife - and still does. Daily. My affections for her never left, though the attraction and love took a huge hit, and we eventually had to break it off - with much confusion, heartbreak and emotional trauma, though I'm thankful she's doing better in this regard. I can't write her off as being "wrong" or "evil" but nor can I deny my gut response of betrayal and disappointment either. In the end I think I was, and perhaps continue to, long for that which cannot exist in reality. I've never been so close to another human being and felt so inspired, so spiritually and emotionally fulfilled, only to have it collapse and bring the rest of my world down around me, forcing me to come face to face with my own immaturities. It's been months upon months. I've tried meditating, I've tried reflecting, I've tried throwing myself into new hobbies, I've sat in a darkened room and cried for hours, I've spoken with friends and I've signed up for counseling but no matter what I do, the malignant and piercing pain in my chest is omnipresent. I used to at the very least feel somewhat creative but now I don't feel as though I belong to myself any more. I'm an emotional maelstrom, a vampire and a drain on all who care about me. Even this comment is attention seeking, and it's both pathetic and futile because I know only I can ever help myself but I'm really losing hope. In a reality where the only reliable source of strength is oneself, after my myriad failed attempts to do so I just don't know if it's possible. My heart goes out to anyone who has suffered abuse at the hands of these people and I am utterly devoid of empathy for those who have none themselves (ie psychopaths) but oftentimes I believe that mental illness is as debilitating for sufferers as it is for victims.

I have been crying for 5 days straight. it's a long story. let's just say I got weak and he pounced on me

I found out about your work years ago... BRILLIANT coverage of the subject, sir!!!!

During my extreme devaluation, my "spouse" when so far as to try and convince me (and others) that I no longer existed (Project, much?). My losses did not matter, because "she" had lost "her DeLyla". Because I no longer was a reliable secondary source, I could no longer exist.

Thank you! Very clearly! And you're approaching both sides now and then: the side of the survivor and the side of the narcissist, if I understood well. It's exactly like you're saying here...My relation with the narcissist was a work relationship, and almost a friendship, so not a romantic relationship. But I passed all 4 parts: idealized, devalued, dumped and discarded. I still think sometimes of that situation as unbelievable, terrifying, malicious and dangerous. Hard to imagine that he is a teacher at a very well-known school, teaching young students...

Thank you for an absolutely remarkable description. So, so helpful to hear articulated exactly what one has been put through. Truly, I can breathe more easily having heard it. I can think 'Yes, it happened just exactly like this, time after time. I'm not going mad!' So now, maybe I'll spot it earlier next time and run, run, run! Thanks again.

Razor sharp on the narcissist’s dumping of the disappointer. ... excellent presentation.

Your videos have literally saved my life and gave me hope.

Gotta say. Describes my ex to a tee. Good to hear this explanation. Helps to understand it's got nothing to do with any faults of your own. Thank you good sir.

One man's trash is another man's treasure...

Astonishingly brilliant; spot on 100% accurate in every way.

You pretty much just explained my former relationship in those three words. I was idolized then i was devalued and then I dumped him because I couldnt take it anymore. Anyways thank you so much for your videos they really helped me understand and really are/were very healing in the hard times. I just wish people can understand that their is a wonderful life after you drop the narcassist.

Remarkable dissection of Narcissistic behaviour! Sam Vaknin, you're metaphors and careful attention to lexicological choices to create transparency brings an otherwise complex subject into an intelligible form for those who wish to have a far better understanding of, shall I say, a fascinating and yet lethal psychological dilemma. Thank you for the special layering of mental gamesmanship you have studied and in turn constructed for public review.

Each of your videos I have watched so far (3) has eloquently pinpointed aspects of what I have been experiencing and has offered hope and insight in areas where I was uncertain what to do and why I felt the way I have. This all helps so very much. Things are so much clearer. Thank you.

Thank u Sam for defining the grieving process of leaving the Narc . It seems never ending And there's as u said many different types of losses to grieve . Whew

My experience of a narcissist was absence of idealism. She never acknowleged any good but time came when she would devalue and under-rate whatever you might have achieved beyond her dream. Such narcs do not idealize at all but only devalue and dump when time is right for them.

This video really hit home with me-THANK YOU! Now I really understand that devaluation has to hit after idealization phase. It’s not a matter of if but a matter of when the devaluation and/or discard will occur. The narcissist cannot possibly keep up the idealization phase... like a pendulum it has to swing to the opposite side with the same velocity according to gravity

Thank you for posting this info online! :)

Hi Sam, thank you for creating these videos. I'm a college student facing a breakup with a narcissist and I was desperate for direction. I'm still afraid and worried about the consequences of leaving him but I truly agree with you when you say we speak completely different languages. I hope that cutting my ties with him will allow me to start anew and I'm really glad I found these videos to push myself forward in the right direction. Thank you again!

Useful information, thank you.

Again, you're describing humanity. Brilliant. We're doomed. Lol!

Great Job Sam!

I found it at the four month mark, and boy did it fall off. Wow.

Sam vaknin is so cool. One year later and I'm back.such an interesting subject.

I definitely have some kind of personality disorder. hard to say exactly which though.

I cannot figure out if my ex is a narc PD or histrionic PD----he's got traits of both. Suffice to say, getting involved with either of them will only result in heartbreak & confusion. He loved me when I did what he wanted me to do---he hated me when I told him he was wrong. He couldn't handle being wrong, & would become irate, his behavior fueled by rage. He would never go to therapy with me, because he was terrified that he would be told that there was anything wrong with him. Thank you.

This is so interesting. Thank you

how very accurate.

You just described my brother.

Thank you for this, it's very insightful

Thank you.

Thanks Sam. 💕

He’s bored! Let me tell you there’s nothing in this world more boring than being married to one of those beings. What a relief to finally get rid of them. And it ain’t easy. They don’t want to go.

Thank you. I feel you are talking about my narc ex husband . this is what he exactly did to me .

I love your videos sir. Thank you!

Why can't the narcisist accept real love? Get over this fear and renew excitement in the relationship? Why can't he see real love and receive it. Also why do they become distant? He made a statement one time that feelings didn't matter when he was a child. Was he asking for help and I failed?

that's a very good way of putting it..

Thankx so much 😍 😎 It's so important to understand Narcissism to save urself. They are everywhere lol Narc love to use people for their own benefit.

I appreciate all of your videos and will continue to watch them. However, your analysis of a hypothetical narcissist is extremely descriptive- much more so than the DSM-V goes into. Possibly there is other literature describing these attributes, but when I first watched this video I found the depth in which you analyzed a hypothetical narcissist to seem descriptive on a highly unusual level. I'm not saying this is bad- just needs to be noted by me. These descriptions could be useful red flags to avoid bad relationships. Thanks again.

Thank you!

Thank u this is just too mutch for me I'm feeling sick. Thanks God for EFT

I totally agree!

Very well said 👍👏🧐

I feel sorry for the next guy that has to deal with that beach he thinks she’s an angel, I bet I lasted 6 months and it was so much to bear. Lost time loss money fell in love then devalued... unreal and at the end treated me like you would treat your worst enemy. At least I know she will never be happen never has been and never will be.

he is right.

o my God 11 years ago u already spoke about what i experiance in 22 23 ..

What if they are older and new supply is hard to come by? Do they wait to devalue until there is a potential replacement? Or do they devalue when they just get bored with current supply even if there is no potential for someone new?

LOL Great analogy but also sad. I think they also sometimes spit it out & wrap it up "for later" O_o

I now know an absolutely perfect narcisist i work with him he's my mediate boss or would give the impression of being. The descriptions given are so so close he cannot or possibly does not want to hide his uncontrollable nature. this person would make a perfect case study for the brave. I'm looking for another job lol.

Wow. This explains the yo-yo feeling. When I’m giving him all my happy attention, I was perfect and beautiful to a piece 💩 and “cold, snotty xyz” when I answered the phone or left him to take care of the kids or the cat.

Hi Dr. Sam Vaknin. I always watch your videos. I have a question. I'm fairly certain that I live with narcissists and I'm trying to get rid of them. So I am worried. Can a narcissistic person become physically dangerous if thwarted? Thank you.