Jermain was thrown down a staircase. When I was 14 years old after I violated my curfew by 1/2 hour, I was grabbed by my hair at the back of my head and thrown up a staircase. It hurt. Then the narc turned around, got in her car and went to work. I suspect that when she was there with her coworkers she acted like everything in her life was perfect because this is what she did. I choose rough , honest people over polished, phonies any day

Your clarity, relatability, and passion for those abused shines through your videos 💯%.

One of the things my mom and older sister often did was triangulation. If my sister picked a fight with me I was desperate to resolve it. This was because there would be a round two. Once we got home she would report the argument to my mom and then it would be two on one. They loved the surprise attack. I didn't know how sinister it was, often when I was seemingly comfortable around them that suddenly I'd be accused of doing something wrong. Or they would take something I said and claim I had malice. At work this week I had a surprise conference call. It was supposed to be a two way conversation. My coworker invited a third person without telling me, a person who is cold and unkind. I immediately had shortness of breath, had to ask them repeatedly what they needed and panicked. To my coworkers the call may seem innocuous. They don't know what I do to mitigate risk. I don't like the "surprise attack" and it took a couple hours to calm myself down afterwards. I was able to complete the call but they noticed I sounded panicked. I don't like when someone schedules a meeting and provides zero context of the purpose of the meeting. That's on my coworker and I'll be less inclined to help her with future requests. This experience at work reminded me that I need to do more work to have normal responses when I'm confronted with something that my body associates with truama.

I’ve done intense and painful explanations of my past and felt like I removed a pebble from a boulder. I have the book, “Self-Care for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents”, so hopefully I’m on the path you described.

The best therapist I ever had didn’t tact like the expert we collaborated asked for my goals helped me create a plan for situations I was triggered in doing DBT techniques and if they didn’t work I could ask for new ones and didn’t feel like I was a failure one said thing about this therapy is that she always started it out with “How are you? How have you taken care of yourself this week. She actually cared about my well-being and that was the first time ever in therapy I had, had that.

“You have survived the abuse and now growth is possible.” 😢😮😊 Thank you Jay!

Only finally at age 52 have I finally realized why I 'had' to be in abusive / dysfunctional relationships my whole life: Danger was safe and safe was dangerous. Meaning: being in a safe relationship with a safe person was NOT okay, because my narcissistic mother and enabling siblings / spouse made that person out to be a horrible person, kept him from me, force me to make him leave, then when he kept coming back in proof of his true love for me, they literally tortured me to wipe him from my conscious mind. In the meantime, boys and men who used me, abused me, mistreated me, cheated on me, made me feel worthless (put me / kept in my assigned role as scapegoat), were safe...being with people like that, kept me safe from my mother's abuse. So in college, when I was given the opportunity to be with someone who felt safe, good, nurturing and kind....my subconscious sent up alarms, "Oh....no! We're not doing THAT again! The last time I was with someone like this, my life was turned upside down and inside out. My entire personality changed. I was abused and tortured. NOPE!" So I rejected a good man, opting instead for more abusive using pricks. Only today, now, recently, can I accept that safe people are SAFE. And, that I am a safe person for them. I did not hurt the good person from my past; my evil, wicked, sick, twisted abusive narcissistic mother and maternal grandmother hurt me so I had no choice but to hurt him. My abusers have now passed. I am safe and good. My heart is true. My love is pure. I can be with safe and good people without fear of being abused. Thank God.

Thank you, Jay! I've arrived into the same conclusion last months. I need safety to live in the present and to process the past. Now I'm focusing on rest and joy - and untangle obstacles and feelings preventing me to prioritize these activities. In most cases there was a lot of guilt and danger. What's the point of living life, when I can't experience the most essential states? Rest and joy first, everything else comes as a result of good rest and joy.

"Feel better before it's safe to feel worse" - I had the same thought over breakfast tea today: I feel a little better, but the anger at myself and my long acquiescence to narcissistic treatment is so strong that this could have been avoided if I had trusted my sense of being wronged more strongly and earlier and would have taken care of my safety first. The anger changes and complicates so much; healing is so much harder than the downside of early withdrawal.

Jay, as a part of my Sunday midday rountine, while preparing a healthy meal, I listen to your new video. Pause once in a while and reflect. Especially now that I'm trying to decide what kind of therapy/theeapist to choose, your insights become even more valuable to me than before. I can't see myself wasting years in talk therapy where we'd cycle the same old stuff over n over. Btw, I'm Finnish... living in my home country... feeling very fortunate to have come across your KZfaq channel🙏

I can’t help but believe that narcissists have “silk the shocker - it ain’t my fault” on repeat in their heads by default.

This is the most comprehensible and positively resolved work on recovery i have ever heard

Jay Reid - this is key! I finally got a trauma coach that understood this. We did havening and asked ourselves if we needed comfort or strength following a trigger. I have since learned and utilized other tools such as EFT, breathwork, and ACA to continue my own healing. Beautiful Jay - as a scapegoat I thank you so much for your assistance to myself and so many others. Godspeed 🙏✝️❤️

I've found that it's only possible to let go of things when I've already initiated the process of moving on. For example - can't process what happened in one location until I've left it and I'm somewhere else, can't process what happened in a relationship until I've released the desire to be tied down in it. Portions of the past naturally come up for healing when the body feels safe to process them. You don't have to dig out-of-context into the past. The past shows up when it's ready for healing and surfacing on its own.

I was JUST saying to a friend who says she had a Narcissistic Mom (whom herself is older than I) I said, "remember the old movie drama's where when the person had their 'break through' and were ALL BETTER!"? You said something similar. Anyway she and I talk about abusive Narcissistic Mom's BUT she had a supportive Dad, and she slips into GLORIFYING her parents when I am at just plain "THEY ARE WHAT THEY WERE"! No Glory from ME! They own in my Memory all the pain and abuse and the subsequent CRAP I still deal with TODAY!

Jay, a request: Please next week do a video specifically about the conflicting feelings we survivors feel when faced with Father's Day. My father once kicked me down the stairs when I was 8 years old. Among lots of other beatings and physical and emotional abuse any time he flew into a rage. Completely unpredictable and the rest of my family never did anything. An adorable little girl, loved by my teachers, neighbours, friends, the only reason I got through it and finally got out... so your client's story here really triggered me today. Wishing "Germaine" all the best in his recovery.

Oh, i wish this was widely known, i wish i had known this when trying therapy early in life

I want to heal, but I feel like I'm constantly running in survival mode to the extent I cannot care for myself and deal with what has happened.

This is so important for people recovering and those that support them.

Totally makes sense. When I was 18, I choose the furthest college I could, and I wasn’t able to really start working on all this until I was financially independent. Even as an adult in my mid 20s, it took a lot to separate my finances and be fully independent, but I truly needed to do that. Eventually I was sick of interacting with them, and finally had the liberty to cut off my dad. My mother cut me off in retribution, but the space has allowed me to grow so much as an individual and in therapy.

Thank you very much, Jay.. 🌷🌷🌷🌷

Just saying, "Wow & Thank You!" You illustrate a journey that reaches far beyond those teaching about recovery and making core changes on KZfaq. We must be prepared for re-experiencing shadow projections as the "family cult" rejects this healthier version of us. It's on a different level. Before it was about keeping us but in their designated spot for us. As we heal, then their rejection is about complete alienation even destruction. So yes, safety comes first in many ways.

Jay, a thank you from me all the way from South Africa where I find your new videos just before my evening routine winding down. So comforting to know I am not alone although physically I am. I feel peaceful and grateful that I have been able to extract myself from dangerous and toxic and deeply harmful relationships. Recovery is so rewarding and I grow in confidence and self love often now which of course means I am all round a more pleasant person. But most importantly, a good mother. Take care everyone. 🌸💫

I wish I could like this video 10 times over. I had so many insights and this method sounds infinitely better than the idea of having to revisit the trauma when I already feel like I am in a place vulnarability. So good, thank you Dr. Reid.

Oh! I was replaying a sense of danger, as if this was still my horrible childhood. I didn't realize. Thank you very much, Jay🧡

Jay, thank you for your hands-down best analogies, as ever, and way of distilling complex and difficult concepts to their essence.

When I was young I (apparently) did not know how to put my lips on the glass when I drank. What? Yes I found writing the details of the past just meant I had to live them twice. Suddenly I realised my life narrative had been written by someone else. So I wrote a fiction (not really). I wrote my life over again with an amazing and interesting narrative without the shame I had been trained to attach to myself,so I could make it my own and admire myself.

Absolutely. From a physical "hardware" point of view, we also need the emotional "bandwidth", so what was previously an overwhelming experience, can be felt today, processed and then "let go". This is achieved by "toning" the vagus nerve. And like you said, once the necessary "bandwidth" is achieved, the emotional processing almost happens by itself. Two exercises to do that is: 1. As you say, Jay, by breathing. Let the exhales be longer than the inhales. That's what calms the nervous system. 2. Clench and release your fists. Clench for a couple of seconds, then release and notice the difference in sensation. Both exercises can be done at the same time. Also, having a surrogate family like the online facebook-group, really helps in terms of having a positive source of social validation and support 👍

Wow! This is the key, an approach, not realized. After decades of trying to deal with all this and my behavior and mind set, which has tortured me, this just might help me actually start to enjoy life. Thank you very much!

Amazing! This is so fresh and truly helpful!!!!!! Thank you very much. It reminds me of a quote is heard recently, “Being comfortable is not going to put you in danger .” I’m making an effort to incorporate this into my experience, your lesson here is something to embrace. Counterintuitive for sure and a life saver. Thank you ♥️

Thank you so much Jay I am busy making notes on this sunny Sunday morn😂 such an insightful video I found it really helpful and enlightening You are such a wonderful teacher and therapist I cant thank you enough 🙏

I love this! Jay often seems to be describing, validating and expanding on what I am in the process of learning about myself. Watching some videos with Deb Dana on the polyvagal theory has helped me understand why most of the time it's impossible for me to feel connected or find compassion for myself and why I have some short periods of time that a positive view of life is effortless. I've lived most of my life in survival mode, in either the sympathetic or dorsal vagal systems, and the ventral vagal system is the only part of the nervous system where we are able to self regulate. Most of the time I can only reach my ventral vagal system through breath work and allowing myself to stop thinking. Also, I'm finding getting enough sleep, water and eating healthy helps a lot. As far as breath work, what has been helping me is to focus on my exhalation and my lungs will automatically fill once I've exhaled fully. Also, letting myself have quiet space or just letting my thoughts spin, without having to figure anything out helps calm my nervous system.

I've watched more than a few of your videos over the last month and I don't detect a mean or a malicious bone in you. You are a very nice man Jay Reid and sadly, we simply don't enough men like you in this world anymore. Same with Dr. Carter too.

that's it exactly: the more I try to move forward with my mother and sister the more trapped by their bad behavior I feel.

Thank you Jay for this. Ive been unpacking my childhood stuff for 3 years. The first thing i needed was a connection to my sense of self, because of narc abuse and its gaslighting. Once i started connecting to the anger i felt when in the present i was being put down in things like job, and how empowering it felt to honor my inner child and start saying NO to abusive treatment i felt a wholeness and a self-love , commitment to honoring my inner child in that gut area which told me when things where off for him and if i could clarify, set a boundary or speak up about things. I continued my healing journey and now im 3 years in, in a way having good boundaries, and developing good communication skills was a way i kept myself safe, and learning about trauma, connecting with safe others as well, and getting rid of the people that were not safe, all of this was able to me because im very connected to my sense of self and my healthy boundaries etc, and also need connection and rest of the nervous system corregulating with safe others. So this is what i'll say, i did emdr around my second year, it definetly brought up a lot. Yes there are gentleness breaks necesarry and even to titrate the attention to fun and hobbies, dreams, other things. Its exactly spot on, that defying the rule , " im not good enough or i dont deserve" to focus on my good qualities and the people that love and are kind to me, is a rule thats from the narc abuse i grew up in , as the scapegoat. I have a great foundation, very connected to my sense of self, my voice, my boundaries, have grieved, have tools, have self-attunement have done journalling have done self care, have met my inner children, have support groups to go to, and people whom i touch base with here and there. There is, a healthy titration , or perhaps a line when bringing too much up isnt helpful, its so good to have resourcing and foundation in the present and some stability, i really like support groups that are healthy, these groups touch on inner child stuff of course and trauma. Its great to have a safe foundation with a connection my sense of self, my voice, my boundaries, my inner children, gentleness, selfcompassion, and supportive people and a journey of 3 years in healing even having done EMDR. And its ok to take a break know that i am freaking safe, or even foccus with gentleness in the foundation of safety, that i need , weather it be therapy or support group or both, to let the wounds process themselves organically ive already stirred it up quite a bit, with modalities such as EMDR, etc. I trust that if i am gentle with myself, and keep building a foundation in the present, the wounds organically will keep processing themselves, as everyday in healing/living a lot of connections are made, and we heal a little each day. Itrs true some of us have that grit, to do whatevers necessary, and thats great, and admirable, and we can also rest and let the process unfold organically as we connect with safe people, honor our innerchildren and stay in integrity to them, and ar their voice, and also learn to take breaks or focus on building. alife, pursuing goals, talents, fun, career, enjoyment and hobbies, and quality moments and time, defying that rule of the narc family system ...... of "undeservedness"..... From tha narc projecting parent artifical need to find their own sense of unworthiness in some one else because of their narcisistic personality disorder .

Brilliant way of presenting an important concept Jay. Safety first in government security organizations is a vision which is achieved by for example using sophisticated computer software to help plan how each department is going to carry out the work done on the ground to help keep civilians safe. Germain mentioned in this video had only his mind when doing the work on the ground to help keep himself and his siblings safe. Trauma survivors must recognize their strengths while working to heal themselves. So keeping priorities in mind for lot of trauma survivors is indeed doable.

I can't agree with you more: a safe holding environment is fundamental to processing trauma. The systems we live in are so affected by narcissism that even therapy has been corrupted by expecting the small wounded ego to somehowl pick itself up by the bootstraps and fix itself. There is no healing possible without the intitial gesture of welcome, safety and a sense of a greater reality that is unconditional love. So glad you are addressing the importance of a holding context instead of the post modern lies being spoon fed to suffering human beings.

My problem is that, every time I start feeling comfortable with a therapist, they get a new job somewhere else. Recently, probably because of the lockdowns, it's hard to get an appointment, even with my primary care physician.

Thank you SO MUCH for this! This really, really spoke to me. Blessings to you!

I am just now realizing while, watching your video that I feel I don’t deserve respect or success because it was insinuated to me that I wasn’t meant to have success, because…”there is something wrong with me, I just don’t have it in me, I’m ridiculous, I’m a fool, wasting my life away selfishly. I am the worst, people resent me, don’t respect or like me, are angry and upset with me.” Yikes! No wonder I don’t feel safe. I never speak to other people like this, it doesn’t even occur to me and I don’t have that intention toward people to hurt them. I am a people too. I’m training myself to notice it when it’s done and notice my present self by practicing meditation and writing in my journal. I don’t care why they do it anymore. I’m learning to only participate in healthy interactions now, I deserve to be treated with civility, dignity and respect. I want to be around caring people.

God bless you

How TRUE is this. I also keep retraumatizing myself.

What was done to a lot of people as children would be considered criminal offences if done by someone outside the "home". we all need to remind ourselves that we survived. this itself is remarkable. i wanted to organise accommodation for a person living on the street - a young woman. i called the domestic violence line. the woman at the DV line said i could not organise something without the young woman's knowledge or consent. that is what an abuser would do. this opened my eyes to the reality of how messed up my idea of "helping" is, due to having been "helped" in this way, many times in the past. Emotional & psychological violence - such as helping someone without first seeking their feelings on the matter - is also probably a huge aspect of why many are reluctant to seek out professionals who may further pathologise us. Jay is someone who does not tell survivors there is something wrong with them ! He tells the long avoided & undiscussed truth - which is what i & many others find helpful.

Oh God yes!! This is INCREDIBLE!! I've kind of/ or feel like I've kind of been learning this on my own, thank you so much!!

I definitely had to feel better to go back in time and acknowledge all the abuse. I really created a whole false narrative of my upbringing and my parents in order to feel whole. It was all fake. I’m 42 now, and it took lots of betrayal and pain to get me to a place where I had no choice but to shed the rainbows and unicorns…and acknowledge what these people were really like. It’s almost humiliating to acknowledge that I was abused. I’m such a proud person, and I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. Thank you for this video.

I am reaching this phase of recognizing the trauma bond. It is like moving from a Man vs Man mentality to a Man vs Self awareness. I wanted a reckoning with the abuser, which keeps me focused still on them, and now I am recognizing that ultimately I want to let go of everything about that and direct my attention to internally feeding my healthiest self.

I really like your videos because you really focus on helping the scapegoat which is what I went through.

Feeling safe first gives us strength to feel worse later and it has worked really well for me as well. Thank you for your great support.

Yes! 100% agree :). I accidentally figured this out via learning about moral injury hindering exposure therapy for trauma because the shame and guilt, regret and remorse are uppermost in the person's heartache so exposing them again and again to it only makes them relive the trauma and make it worse. I suspect EMDR is also not helpful in this scenario. I think moral injury is something many scapegoats endure.

The title alone is awesome, I’m looking forward to this…

Long periods of coming to terms and by reasoning with compassion for all concerns, only to be replundged into complexity, and pain, by any slight unsafe contact. Fortunately, this just requires some isolation and rest to recede and for me to become once, again, self aware.

"Hello New Me: A Daily Food and Exercise Journal to Help You Become the Best Version of Yourself, (90 Days Meal and Activity Tracker)" is the title of a very inspiring food journal I bought a couple months ago for 7 euros on Amazon. Lots of extra space in the journal to scribble notes and tick off how many glasses of water you drink every day. It's a "concrete" physical representation of the internal work you're doing. "Looking at eating as an act of care for yourself" BRILLIANT. Thank you, Jay ;-)

I haven’t commented before, but I find you by far, as the best therapist I’ve heard talk about this kind of relentless abuse. It’s like you were trained for me. Thank you so much 🙏

Plus, we have a God given resource of insightfulness, foresight and intuition so when people are trying to undermine you with their spiel you have conviction of the truth and can get empowerment and validation through these videos.

Thank you Jay. This resonates with my experience. It wasn’t until I had the safety of a loving husband and supportive Al-Anon friends that I was able to finally do the deep digging of the trauma caused my my Narc father’s scapegoating. My siblings have practiced his same behaviors. I’m now working on learning to stand up for myself in a loving way not just for my siblings but for myself. I also have to acknowledge that they may continue to continue the cycle of abuse and believe their toxic positivity is enough to recover from all the trauma we survived. I will choose to continue recovery and examine how much of a relationship if any I can have with them.

It’s really reallly difficult right now with my mother being aged and ill. It was so clear, after avoidance wasn’t an option, and a false reset with the golden child’s husband falling ill, I stepped up, and it all crumbled again after he passed-even he abused me before he got sick. It’s all so ugly. So ugly. The biggest relief I will feel after my mother passes is to cut all ties. Except for any nieces and nephews that leave a door open for me, yet I don’t feel like that will be often or of deep substance, except for a couple of them. I’m in so much emotional pain right now.

MAJOR MAJOR THANKS!!!

Yes, I found this video extremely useful, thanks. I was a victim of the same treatment "Germain" received, exactly how you described. It Is shocking how similar those narcisistic people are between them. Thank you dr. for your videos, they are all very helpful, and for this video in particular. God bless you.

Yes it's true. I needed to learn safety first. Otherwise everything else just takes over & makes you powerless again

Brilliant.

You are appreciated!

Thank you so much Jay!!

Thank You for this

I have to feel small or invisible in order for them to feel good. Always edgy from Psychological abuse and trying to find escape from the claustrophobia and self limiting beliefs to avoid them I always felt sunk alot and just let myself self abandon not caring if people care.

Wonderful! Thanks!!

Thank you!

I’m so grateful for these videos and this one makes perfect sense to me. I have tolerated so much trauma that I’m too weak in every way to take anymore. I have to feel better first. I’ve been trying to heal for a few years now and still feel stuck like I’m spinning my wheels in the mud. I finally figured out that watching videos on how narcissists act and why they do what they do is not beneficial anymore and was making matters worse for me. I need to focus on myself. Like someone else said, imagine a scenario where a little child is hit by a car and the driver takes off. Focusing on the driver and his bad actions isn’t helping the wounded child lying in the road. I’m like that child. I need and want to get better. I’ll be checking out your webinar right away. It sounds like it will be very helpful.

I feel that this is the stage I am in now with my own healing and was pleasantly surprised to see this content available today. Everything you said makes so much sense. Very much looking forward to watching the webinar. Thank you again for everything you give us each week.

I'm at a place now where I do not trust anyone bc I can't trust myself. I never know when someone else is bad bc I'm so busy trying to prove I'm not bad. How do we recover without support or the ability to gain support? A therapist violated me 5 years ago, signed an agreement with washinton state not to practice after surrendering his license, and then promptly was reemployed at his old clinic in Kansas. I'm thinking I'm just going to get a van and a dog and head for the mountains, it's the only place I feel safe. But I'm terrified of being alone with no one to call if I'm scared or hurt out there. Is there a way to learn to trust yourself again while 100000% alone? The thought of letting anyone close to me gives me a physical reaction, I feel like a street dog that's been so traumatized all I do is snarl out of fear when I really want to live and trust. Ughhhh, sorry so long and not sure if useful for video idea, but if there was a way, I'm thinking after covid and stuff, I'm not alone in this. I keep reaching out to my narc mom in weakness and sinking back into depths of scapegoat mentality. Eventhough I know consciously from you and other vids she's a narc and I'm a scapegoat, I'm not actually bad- I just can't seem to break away without anyone else in my life. I'll go 4-6 months, then something scary happens to me and I call my mom before realizing what I'm doing, she hurts me, and then bam. Another 6 months of depression, like a switch flips, literal brainwashing. Thank you so so so much. From someone who no longer trusts professionals in person, I can't thank you enough.

Bingo. This is a very important realization. I know that my time in therapy was heavily influenced by television. My expectations were also “go in and bleed”. It was like a Pavlovian response. Someone needs to re-wright the script. But please don’t call it “coaching”.

Excellent 🎉

Always brilliant vids Jay.

People say it wasn't that bad. Then i think how my brother is in the cemetery.

Hey there, I think it took me like nearly 12 years to pin point it from the beginning of searching, that being "dismissed" was one of the major problems. And with this, my response has been to downplay achievements. What's the problem here? I've achieved alot, but nothing's special, everything is "trophies collecting dust". Which is so defeating everytime there is victory. Do you have any particular information that hovers around this? The ability to feel happy with achievements would be a literal god send

Probably also the narcissistic abuse has been treated as 'normal' by the victim. So going through a recall of an event (like being thrown down the stairs) just seems normal if you recall it, despite stress levels getting to 7 out of 10. Without an established safe place all these red flag events just look like...regular flags.

You look like Jonathan Taylor Thomas from Home Improvement.

Subbed!

Thank you!! Do you do virtual therapy?

👍

What is it with the table manners? My dad did that too LOL

I wish I could afford your course :( maybe in the future

But what’s just a shot from the hip ?

I’ve tried several times to sign up for the webinar but nothing shows up in my email. What should I do?

I’ve tried several times to get the webinar but I can’t. Nothing shows up in my email. What should I do?

Hi Jay you are gorgeous 😍

Talk therapy didn’t help emdr has in the past. At least for me.