Jermain was thrown down a staircase. When I was 14 years old after I violated my curfew by 1/2 hour, I was grabbed by my hair at the back of my head and thrown up a staircase. It hurt. Then the narc turned around, got in her car and went to work. I suspect that when she was there with her coworkers she acted like everything in her life was perfect because this is what she did. I choose rough , honest people over polished, phonies any day
@InfiniteMindset992 жыл бұрын
Your clarity, relatability, and passion for those abused shines through your videos 💯%.
@HeartFeltGesture Жыл бұрын
After 3 years of research I like him the best, and he is a healed scapegoat to boot, not merely a well-meaning book-learned therapist.
@brada-smith280710 ай бұрын
It Oozes out of him that he is speaking from experience. I am so grateful for Jay.@@HeartFeltGesture
@taniabluebell30992 жыл бұрын
One of the things my mom and older sister often did was triangulation. If my sister picked a fight with me I was desperate to resolve it. This was because there would be a round two. Once we got home she would report the argument to my mom and then it would be two on one. They loved the surprise attack. I didn't know how sinister it was, often when I was seemingly comfortable around them that suddenly I'd be accused of doing something wrong. Or they would take something I said and claim I had malice. At work this week I had a surprise conference call. It was supposed to be a two way conversation. My coworker invited a third person without telling me, a person who is cold and unkind. I immediately had shortness of breath, had to ask them repeatedly what they needed and panicked. To my coworkers the call may seem innocuous. They don't know what I do to mitigate risk. I don't like the "surprise attack" and it took a couple hours to calm myself down afterwards. I was able to complete the call but they noticed I sounded panicked. I don't like when someone schedules a meeting and provides zero context of the purpose of the meeting. That's on my coworker and I'll be less inclined to help her with future requests. This experience at work reminded me that I need to do more work to have normal responses when I'm confronted with something that my body associates with truama.
@firehorse99962 жыл бұрын
Hi Tania, May I suggest that you work on confronting your fears and realize that you need to be able to handle surprise conference calls in order to succeed at work? Avoiding them will not help you. Your coworkers will definitely not understand the real reason why, and maybe consider you stand-offish or not a team player. (Yes, I hate that term, too). Understand that the threats presented by your mom and sister have nothing to do with your current work situation. Mentally disengage from them. Safety for you means that you keep your job and never have to become dependent again upon your abusive family.
@goldieh71212 жыл бұрын
I'm so sorry you had to go through this again at work. Surprise attacks are the worst, especially with no context. My parents would schedule talks and I'd have to guess for a few days what it was about. It took up way too much of my energy away from other things I could have been doing. I would suggest looking up the polyvagal theory and Deb Dana. When triggers put us into the systems in our nervous system meant for survival, it can be hard for us to self regulate. It's important for us to find ways to bring ourselves back to the part of our nervous system that helps us self regulate and think more clearly. Shaming ourselves won't work. Also, when our amygdala is triggered, it's hard to access the part of our brain used to think logically. Look up polyvagal theory and you may find tips to help calm yourself when triggered. It really helps me when I can depersonalize a lot of my survival behavior, reduce the shame and calm down my nervous system.
@taniabluebell30992 жыл бұрын
@Fire Horse The issue is not avoidance, it’s being put on the spot. I’ve had a successful career. I should have noted that. Thank you for your concern. I manage my tasks pretty well and have received award/promotions. My comment was more of an observation that I’ve had a blind spot in some areas of healing. It wasn’t a conscious reaction to the conference call, my subconscious took over, warning me there was “danger”. Regardless of my background it’s unprofessional what my coworker did. She misled me by saying she had a “quick question”. She minimized the task and did not let me know it was a much bigger issue. I was put on the spot because the third person thought I had been briefed and that I had knowledge he was on the call. The task was complex and needed a thorough overview. Being put on the spot, setup and make to look unprepared signaled my mind and body to all the times I was setup up and sabotaged by my mom and sister. I have come a long way in working to unlearn bad habits and focusing on self care. I guess I'm surprised I’m still having these trauma induced experiences. Thank you for your kind thoughts.
@taniabluebell30992 жыл бұрын
@Goldie H Thank you for the recommendation. I’ve added these to my list and look forward to researching these techniques. I can’t imagine how torturous the looming scheduled talks must have been for you. It’s like they scheduled the abuse. That sounds like a covert narcissist tactic. My mom is a borderline, you never knew when something would set her off. I guess the two are sort of similar, we were both anticipating the abuse. Except one was unpredictable and the other carefully planned. Thanks for the good feedback!
@yemisrachgebru72982 жыл бұрын
wow good insight you articulate beautiful even i did feel resonation but am not sure what is with me
@MarigoldSundays2 жыл бұрын
I’ve done intense and painful explanations of my past and felt like I removed a pebble from a boulder. I have the book, “Self-Care for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents”, so hopefully I’m on the path you described.
@taniabluebell30992 жыл бұрын
I recommend a book that helped me called "Running on Empty: Overcome your Childhood Emotional Neglect". By Jonice Webb. I had discounted a lot of what happened in my childhood and was focusing the abuse I experienced as an adult by my family. This book helped me recognize the things that happened and more importantly the things that didn't happen in the form of neglect during childhood. Take care
@MarigoldSundays2 жыл бұрын
@@taniabluebell3099 Thanks, I’ll check it out
@hollybock84632 жыл бұрын
The best therapist I ever had didn’t tact like the expert we collaborated asked for my goals helped me create a plan for situations I was triggered in doing DBT techniques and if they didn’t work I could ask for new ones and didn’t feel like I was a failure one said thing about this therapy is that she always started it out with “How are you? How have you taken care of yourself this week. She actually cared about my well-being and that was the first time ever in therapy I had, had that.
@MickeyDs-mp7yr3 ай бұрын
I 100% can relate. I started telling her my story (abused from birth, multiple abusers) and she gave me this concerned look. I'll never forget her face. Somebody cared.
@jwhite5396 Жыл бұрын
“You have survived the abuse and now growth is possible.” 😢😮😊 Thank you Jay!
@Hawaiiansky112 жыл бұрын
Only finally at age 52 have I finally realized why I 'had' to be in abusive / dysfunctional relationships my whole life: Danger was safe and safe was dangerous. Meaning: being in a safe relationship with a safe person was NOT okay, because my narcissistic mother and enabling siblings / spouse made that person out to be a horrible person, kept him from me, force me to make him leave, then when he kept coming back in proof of his true love for me, they literally tortured me to wipe him from my conscious mind. In the meantime, boys and men who used me, abused me, mistreated me, cheated on me, made me feel worthless (put me / kept in my assigned role as scapegoat), were safe...being with people like that, kept me safe from my mother's abuse. So in college, when I was given the opportunity to be with someone who felt safe, good, nurturing and kind....my subconscious sent up alarms, "Oh....no! We're not doing THAT again! The last time I was with someone like this, my life was turned upside down and inside out. My entire personality changed. I was abused and tortured. NOPE!" So I rejected a good man, opting instead for more abusive using pricks. Only today, now, recently, can I accept that safe people are SAFE. And, that I am a safe person for them. I did not hurt the good person from my past; my evil, wicked, sick, twisted abusive narcissistic mother and maternal grandmother hurt me so I had no choice but to hurt him. My abusers have now passed. I am safe and good. My heart is true. My love is pure. I can be with safe and good people without fear of being abused. Thank God.
@Hippowdon121 Жыл бұрын
I was rejected the same way in college. I hate her.
@RK-qs5dy2 жыл бұрын
Thank you, Jay! I've arrived into the same conclusion last months. I need safety to live in the present and to process the past. Now I'm focusing on rest and joy - and untangle obstacles and feelings preventing me to prioritize these activities. In most cases there was a lot of guilt and danger. What's the point of living life, when I can't experience the most essential states? Rest and joy first, everything else comes as a result of good rest and joy.
@suzannebunbury29612 жыл бұрын
Good comment, thanks
@christar95272 жыл бұрын
I’m just realizing that now too.
@frau_ic2 жыл бұрын
"Feel better before it's safe to feel worse" - I had the same thought over breakfast tea today: I feel a little better, but the anger at myself and my long acquiescence to narcissistic treatment is so strong that this could have been avoided if I had trusted my sense of being wronged more strongly and earlier and would have taken care of my safety first. The anger changes and complicates so much; healing is so much harder than the downside of early withdrawal.
@christar95272 жыл бұрын
It’s the intense anger that gets to me. Not so much at myself though, but sometimes. I’m almost 63 and my parents set me up for a horrible life. I had so much potential and they tried to and almost did destroy me. I just barely survived. That’s not living. I hate them and wish them the worst even though they’re dead. I need help with the anger.
@frau_ic2 жыл бұрын
@@christar9527 someone once told me that when you laugh at others and make fun of them, it is a kind of distancing. It makes sense somehow. Accordingly, one could say that anger at others is a lack of detachment. Maybe laughing at your parents' inadequacy will help you distance yourself from them. Maybe this thought experiment will help you? I am curious about your answer.
@johntuohy18672 жыл бұрын
@@frau_ic Laughter is truly the best medicine. Not the sneering derogatory and false kind of laughter designed to humiliate and belittle but rather genuine joyful laughter felt in the belly and shared with friends. Better with than at.
@lisaong37342 жыл бұрын
@@christar9527 lm 63 to my mum did the same, set me up so much, for narcissistic abuse, l ended up in a Cult for 38 years , which made me endure a narcissistic marriage, he turned my children against me also. We are taught not to trust ourselves, to our own detriment. It's done, what's left, ? We can only try to heal ourselves, and find support somehow
@whimsylore2 жыл бұрын
@@christar9527 I've found that anger is most intense when it's unexpressed, and in narcissistic households the only one allowed to express anger is them. Have you tried yelling it out? Writing a letter to them about it? (Ignore the fact they're dead, etc).
@maarit.gneleah2 жыл бұрын
Jay, as a part of my Sunday midday rountine, while preparing a healthy meal, I listen to your new video. Pause once in a while and reflect. Especially now that I'm trying to decide what kind of therapy/theeapist to choose, your insights become even more valuable to me than before. I can't see myself wasting years in talk therapy where we'd cycle the same old stuff over n over. Btw, I'm Finnish... living in my home country... feeling very fortunate to have come across your KZfaq channel🙏
@makaylahollywood36772 жыл бұрын
Welcomee🙂
@marycrowley14422 жыл бұрын
@maaritgneleah I also live in the beautiful country. I live in Ohio on the land that my wonderful empathetic cousin farmed. I am so blessed. It is still being farmed.
@6th_sense2 жыл бұрын
I can’t help but believe that narcissists have “silk the shocker - it ain’t my fault” on repeat in their heads by default.
@antiprismatic9 ай бұрын
This is the most comprehensible and positively resolved work on recovery i have ever heard
@kimberlymccracken7472 жыл бұрын
Jay Reid - this is key! I finally got a trauma coach that understood this. We did havening and asked ourselves if we needed comfort or strength following a trigger. I have since learned and utilized other tools such as EFT, breathwork, and ACA to continue my own healing. Beautiful Jay - as a scapegoat I thank you so much for your assistance to myself and so many others. Godspeed 🙏✝️❤️
@irenahabe285510 ай бұрын
ACA rules, indeed! 👍💛
@whimsylore2 жыл бұрын
I've found that it's only possible to let go of things when I've already initiated the process of moving on. For example - can't process what happened in one location until I've left it and I'm somewhere else, can't process what happened in a relationship until I've released the desire to be tied down in it. Portions of the past naturally come up for healing when the body feels safe to process them. You don't have to dig out-of-context into the past. The past shows up when it's ready for healing and surfacing on its own.
@goldieh71212 жыл бұрын
"Portions of the past naturally come up for healing when the body feels it's safe to process them"...that is so encouraging, thank you!
@dotsyjmaher2 жыл бұрын
That is SO true but it took so long to feel safe enough..I got robbed by my "sisters"..compounding my anger and damage..
@SendItForward Жыл бұрын
@whimsylore I have experienced this as well, even appearing at times in my dreams.
@janettemartin46042 жыл бұрын
I was JUST saying to a friend who says she had a Narcissistic Mom (whom herself is older than I) I said, "remember the old movie drama's where when the person had their 'break through' and were ALL BETTER!"? You said something similar. Anyway she and I talk about abusive Narcissistic Mom's BUT she had a supportive Dad, and she slips into GLORIFYING her parents when I am at just plain "THEY ARE WHAT THEY WERE"! No Glory from ME! They own in my Memory all the pain and abuse and the subsequent CRAP I still deal with TODAY!
@terridillon30532 жыл бұрын
Couldn’t agree with you more. They get NO glory from me. and can take all that crap they dumped in me and on me to their graves. I did the best I could. And stayed way too long. I’m safer now. Not sure I’ll ever feel safe again.
@janettemartin46042 жыл бұрын
@@terridillon3053 Jay is REALLY good at pin pointing things. He doesn't seem to give "them" any glory either. It all focuses on US the VICTIM's!
@firehorse99962 жыл бұрын
Jay, a request: Please next week do a video specifically about the conflicting feelings we survivors feel when faced with Father's Day. My father once kicked me down the stairs when I was 8 years old. Among lots of other beatings and physical and emotional abuse any time he flew into a rage. Completely unpredictable and the rest of my family never did anything. An adorable little girl, loved by my teachers, neighbours, friends, the only reason I got through it and finally got out... so your client's story here really triggered me today. Wishing "Germaine" all the best in his recovery.
@yemisrachgebru72982 жыл бұрын
conflicting feeling could be what jay and in my experience mostly which i realize after some videos from jay is at the surviving stage that is childhood if there is not one hope for us to think and to assume we could be loved when we do something or when do something which right in eyes of fathers or mothers then we will be loved so i think the inflicting feeling comes from these two which is the hope and now accepting the reality of our childhood that why i think some part of our selves believe accepting we were not loved as should be or as we need be is very devastating because that why our protection meaning is the above sentence which if we do right then we will loved be the truth is which is not true meaning they are uncosciously make their children specially scapegoat to take harsh feeling of ... so so .....anyways having accessing that feeling the feeling of anger betrayal all emotions coming from accepting what is the reality what is liberating us be but sure it is not easy one which is very hard be with it atfirst it have so much intense anger all kind of emotion and grief then we will be in others side of pain/hurt healling i hope it give some insight and i would love to see the video from jay too
@dotsyjmaher2 жыл бұрын
For me it's "Mother's Day"
@limitedtime54712 жыл бұрын
Oh, i wish this was widely known, i wish i had known this when trying therapy early in life
@soliel89992 жыл бұрын
I want to heal, but I feel like I'm constantly running in survival mode to the extent I cannot care for myself and deal with what has happened.
@CasContents2 жыл бұрын
This is so important for people recovering and those that support them.
@thelizardking63002 жыл бұрын
Totally makes sense. When I was 18, I choose the furthest college I could, and I wasn’t able to really start working on all this until I was financially independent. Even as an adult in my mid 20s, it took a lot to separate my finances and be fully independent, but I truly needed to do that. Eventually I was sick of interacting with them, and finally had the liberty to cut off my dad. My mother cut me off in retribution, but the space has allowed me to grow so much as an individual and in therapy.
@sll1102 жыл бұрын
Thank you very much, Jay.. 🌷🌷🌷🌷
@poeticallyinclinedjayne90408 ай бұрын
Just saying, "Wow & Thank You!" You illustrate a journey that reaches far beyond those teaching about recovery and making core changes on KZfaq. We must be prepared for re-experiencing shadow projections as the "family cult" rejects this healthier version of us. It's on a different level. Before it was about keeping us but in their designated spot for us. As we heal, then their rejection is about complete alienation even destruction. So yes, safety comes first in many ways.
@moirabij7342 жыл бұрын
Jay, a thank you from me all the way from South Africa where I find your new videos just before my evening routine winding down. So comforting to know I am not alone although physically I am. I feel peaceful and grateful that I have been able to extract myself from dangerous and toxic and deeply harmful relationships. Recovery is so rewarding and I grow in confidence and self love often now which of course means I am all round a more pleasant person. But most importantly, a good mother. Take care everyone. 🌸💫
@Asha-jj5ed2 жыл бұрын
I wish I could like this video 10 times over. I had so many insights and this method sounds infinitely better than the idea of having to revisit the trauma when I already feel like I am in a place vulnarability. So good, thank you Dr. Reid.
@yemisrachgebru72982 жыл бұрын
i didnt hear or see video i am in place where i couldnt have sound i am enjoying the comments but i know jay is jen.......ious so i would love like like more .....
@RK-qs5dy2 жыл бұрын
@@yemisrachgebru7298 if you have problems with sound I you may turn on the subtitles so you can read all that said in the video. Also there are a lot of articles on Jay Reid's website.
@yemisrachgebru72982 жыл бұрын
@@RK-qs5dy no my dear i am okay with sound the thing is i would love to hear in his voice which is to me very understanding and all thing the things is i am in work and i couldnt loud the voice that why i couldnt use ear phone too now but later i will do that thank you for all
@RK-qs5dy2 жыл бұрын
@@yemisrachgebru7298 oh, I get it. I also love to hear the voice with so much compassion and understanding, it is healing on its own. Have a nice evening and wish you find all support you need on your healing journey🌸
@stanleydrive740 Жыл бұрын
Oh! I was replaying a sense of danger, as if this was still my horrible childhood. I didn't realize. Thank you very much, Jay🧡
@SeeYa8882 жыл бұрын
Jay, thank you for your hands-down best analogies, as ever, and way of distilling complex and difficult concepts to their essence.
@jane94692 жыл бұрын
He does!
@eleanorrae73782 жыл бұрын
When I was young I (apparently) did not know how to put my lips on the glass when I drank. What? Yes I found writing the details of the past just meant I had to live them twice. Suddenly I realised my life narrative had been written by someone else. So I wrote a fiction (not really). I wrote my life over again with an amazing and interesting narrative without the shame I had been trained to attach to myself,so I could make it my own and admire myself.
@katehampstead60242 жыл бұрын
I love this.
@johncollier31752 жыл бұрын
Thankyou for a lovely idea. I could cry. You are a writer too. Thank God they did not take this from us.
@andrepedersen59242 жыл бұрын
Absolutely. From a physical "hardware" point of view, we also need the emotional "bandwidth", so what was previously an overwhelming experience, can be felt today, processed and then "let go". This is achieved by "toning" the vagus nerve. And like you said, once the necessary "bandwidth" is achieved, the emotional processing almost happens by itself. Two exercises to do that is: 1. As you say, Jay, by breathing. Let the exhales be longer than the inhales. That's what calms the nervous system. 2. Clench and release your fists. Clench for a couple of seconds, then release and notice the difference in sensation. Both exercises can be done at the same time. Also, having a surrogate family like the online facebook-group, really helps in terms of having a positive source of social validation and support 👍
@evelynmonradАй бұрын
Wow! This is the key, an approach, not realized. After decades of trying to deal with all this and my behavior and mind set, which has tortured me, this just might help me actually start to enjoy life. Thank you very much!
@suzannebunbury29612 жыл бұрын
Amazing! This is so fresh and truly helpful!!!!!! Thank you very much. It reminds me of a quote is heard recently, “Being comfortable is not going to put you in danger .” I’m making an effort to incorporate this into my experience, your lesson here is something to embrace. Counterintuitive for sure and a life saver. Thank you ♥️
@lisachapman62952 жыл бұрын
Thank you so much Jay I am busy making notes on this sunny Sunday morn😂 such an insightful video I found it really helpful and enlightening You are such a wonderful teacher and therapist I cant thank you enough 🙏
@goldieh71212 жыл бұрын
I love this! Jay often seems to be describing, validating and expanding on what I am in the process of learning about myself. Watching some videos with Deb Dana on the polyvagal theory has helped me understand why most of the time it's impossible for me to feel connected or find compassion for myself and why I have some short periods of time that a positive view of life is effortless. I've lived most of my life in survival mode, in either the sympathetic or dorsal vagal systems, and the ventral vagal system is the only part of the nervous system where we are able to self regulate. Most of the time I can only reach my ventral vagal system through breath work and allowing myself to stop thinking. Also, I'm finding getting enough sleep, water and eating healthy helps a lot. As far as breath work, what has been helping me is to focus on my exhalation and my lungs will automatically fill once I've exhaled fully. Also, letting myself have quiet space or just letting my thoughts spin, without having to figure anything out helps calm my nervous system.
@RK-qs5dy2 жыл бұрын
I have the same experience! Both with Jay's videos and somatic work. You can't really heal when you're in a constant survival mode.
@goldieh71212 жыл бұрын
@@RK-qs5dy Knowing so much of our trauma is rooted in our body, especially the nervous system, seems to help take the pressure off of feeling the need to logically make sense of it all.
@dapsolita2 жыл бұрын
I am with you! I also try to do a few sun salutations each morning before work. One thing I am working on right now is places where my spine is stiff and trying to breathe there. Move without turning on the judging voice....things spontaneously erupt maybe a few hours/days later.
@goldieh71212 жыл бұрын
@@dapsolita That's awesome! I'm going to try breathing through the stiff and tense areas of my body. One thing that seems to automatically relax me most of the time is lying on my back, lightly placing my hands over my upper chest (just below the collar bones) and taking deep breaths while focusing on the exhale. Also, placing my hands over tense areas, such as my jaws or neck, helps.
@marcodarko6941 Жыл бұрын
I've watched more than a few of your videos over the last month and I don't detect a mean or a malicious bone in you. You are a very nice man Jay Reid and sadly, we simply don't enough men like you in this world anymore. Same with Dr. Carter too.
@MaHa-um5sv5 ай бұрын
that's it exactly: the more I try to move forward with my mother and sister the more trapped by their bad behavior I feel.
@franciscoguevara97272 жыл бұрын
Thank you Jay for this. Ive been unpacking my childhood stuff for 3 years. The first thing i needed was a connection to my sense of self, because of narc abuse and its gaslighting. Once i started connecting to the anger i felt when in the present i was being put down in things like job, and how empowering it felt to honor my inner child and start saying NO to abusive treatment i felt a wholeness and a self-love , commitment to honoring my inner child in that gut area which told me when things where off for him and if i could clarify, set a boundary or speak up about things. I continued my healing journey and now im 3 years in, in a way having good boundaries, and developing good communication skills was a way i kept myself safe, and learning about trauma, connecting with safe others as well, and getting rid of the people that were not safe, all of this was able to me because im very connected to my sense of self and my healthy boundaries etc, and also need connection and rest of the nervous system corregulating with safe others. So this is what i'll say, i did emdr around my second year, it definetly brought up a lot. Yes there are gentleness breaks necesarry and even to titrate the attention to fun and hobbies, dreams, other things. Its exactly spot on, that defying the rule , " im not good enough or i dont deserve" to focus on my good qualities and the people that love and are kind to me, is a rule thats from the narc abuse i grew up in , as the scapegoat. I have a great foundation, very connected to my sense of self, my voice, my boundaries, have grieved, have tools, have self-attunement have done journalling have done self care, have met my inner children, have support groups to go to, and people whom i touch base with here and there. There is, a healthy titration , or perhaps a line when bringing too much up isnt helpful, its so good to have resourcing and foundation in the present and some stability, i really like support groups that are healthy, these groups touch on inner child stuff of course and trauma. Its great to have a safe foundation with a connection my sense of self, my voice, my boundaries, my inner children, gentleness, selfcompassion, and supportive people and a journey of 3 years in healing even having done EMDR. And its ok to take a break know that i am freaking safe, or even foccus with gentleness in the foundation of safety, that i need , weather it be therapy or support group or both, to let the wounds process themselves organically ive already stirred it up quite a bit, with modalities such as EMDR, etc. I trust that if i am gentle with myself, and keep building a foundation in the present, the wounds organically will keep processing themselves, as everyday in healing/living a lot of connections are made, and we heal a little each day. Itrs true some of us have that grit, to do whatevers necessary, and thats great, and admirable, and we can also rest and let the process unfold organically as we connect with safe people, honor our innerchildren and stay in integrity to them, and ar their voice, and also learn to take breaks or focus on building. alife, pursuing goals, talents, fun, career, enjoyment and hobbies, and quality moments and time, defying that rule of the narc family system ...... of "undeservedness"..... From tha narc projecting parent artifical need to find their own sense of unworthiness in some one else because of their narcisistic personality disorder .
@katelilyx6323 Жыл бұрын
Thank you for your comment, I felt such validation and hope from it on a deep level. I’m about to start what I hope is a healing journey, sending much love to you on yours x
@franciscoguevara9727 Жыл бұрын
@@katelilyx6323 Glad it helped you and thanks for your reply. its good your going to start healing from those lies and standing in your worth dignity freedom justice and powe strengh , independence r peace and connection !!! were worth it
@katelilyx6323 Жыл бұрын
@@franciscoguevara9727 thank you, your the first fellow scapegoat I’ve spoken too😌 I hope I get through this safely, in trying to research as much as I can. I’m scared if I’m honest, but I’m going to go no contact. Deep breath, a new journey begins
@francesbernard2445 Жыл бұрын
Brilliant way of presenting an important concept Jay. Safety first in government security organizations is a vision which is achieved by for example using sophisticated computer software to help plan how each department is going to carry out the work done on the ground to help keep civilians safe. Germain mentioned in this video had only his mind when doing the work on the ground to help keep himself and his siblings safe. Trauma survivors must recognize their strengths while working to heal themselves. So keeping priorities in mind for lot of trauma survivors is indeed doable.
@jeannined7532 Жыл бұрын
I can't agree with you more: a safe holding environment is fundamental to processing trauma. The systems we live in are so affected by narcissism that even therapy has been corrupted by expecting the small wounded ego to somehowl pick itself up by the bootstraps and fix itself. There is no healing possible without the intitial gesture of welcome, safety and a sense of a greater reality that is unconditional love. So glad you are addressing the importance of a holding context instead of the post modern lies being spoon fed to suffering human beings.
@olympics12345672 жыл бұрын
My problem is that, every time I start feeling comfortable with a therapist, they get a new job somewhere else. Recently, probably because of the lockdowns, it's hard to get an appointment, even with my primary care physician.
@yemisrachgebru72982 жыл бұрын
did this happen you a lot like when you are baby did someone who cares about genuinely die or leave so ....you have some kind of belief about this kind of situation unconsciously .....there one teacher of mine teach me is that when something happen to you start from there go back until the pattern to childhood and ask your self what kind of feeling this situations have on you and start naming the feeling until you find the right word for then trace back this feel and ask your inner presence guidance for all questions regarding with this questions much love my dear
@valorie33572 жыл бұрын
Thank you SO MUCH for this! This really, really spoke to me. Blessings to you!
@kimberleyb40024 ай бұрын
I am just now realizing while, watching your video that I feel I don’t deserve respect or success because it was insinuated to me that I wasn’t meant to have success, because…”there is something wrong with me, I just don’t have it in me, I’m ridiculous, I’m a fool, wasting my life away selfishly. I am the worst, people resent me, don’t respect or like me, are angry and upset with me.” Yikes! No wonder I don’t feel safe. I never speak to other people like this, it doesn’t even occur to me and I don’t have that intention toward people to hurt them. I am a people too. I’m training myself to notice it when it’s done and notice my present self by practicing meditation and writing in my journal. I don’t care why they do it anymore. I’m learning to only participate in healthy interactions now, I deserve to be treated with civility, dignity and respect. I want to be around caring people.
@ekkamailax2 жыл бұрын
God bless you
@Thysta Жыл бұрын
How TRUE is this. I also keep retraumatizing myself.
@kimlec35922 жыл бұрын
What was done to a lot of people as children would be considered criminal offences if done by someone outside the "home". we all need to remind ourselves that we survived. this itself is remarkable. i wanted to organise accommodation for a person living on the street - a young woman. i called the domestic violence line. the woman at the DV line said i could not organise something without the young woman's knowledge or consent. that is what an abuser would do. this opened my eyes to the reality of how messed up my idea of "helping" is, due to having been "helped" in this way, many times in the past. Emotional & psychological violence - such as helping someone without first seeking their feelings on the matter - is also probably a huge aspect of why many are reluctant to seek out professionals who may further pathologise us. Jay is someone who does not tell survivors there is something wrong with them ! He tells the long avoided & undiscussed truth - which is what i & many others find helpful.
@CasContents2 жыл бұрын
Oh God yes!! This is INCREDIBLE!! I've kind of/ or feel like I've kind of been learning this on my own, thank you so much!!
@mtc-j9i8 ай бұрын
I definitely had to feel better to go back in time and acknowledge all the abuse. I really created a whole false narrative of my upbringing and my parents in order to feel whole. It was all fake. I’m 42 now, and it took lots of betrayal and pain to get me to a place where I had no choice but to shed the rainbows and unicorns…and acknowledge what these people were really like. It’s almost humiliating to acknowledge that I was abused. I’m such a proud person, and I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. Thank you for this video.
@jmfs3497 Жыл бұрын
I am reaching this phase of recognizing the trauma bond. It is like moving from a Man vs Man mentality to a Man vs Self awareness. I wanted a reckoning with the abuser, which keeps me focused still on them, and now I am recognizing that ultimately I want to let go of everything about that and direct my attention to internally feeding my healthiest self.
@TheLordsbattleaxe11 ай бұрын
I really like your videos because you really focus on helping the scapegoat which is what I went through.
@izawaniek2568 Жыл бұрын
Feeling safe first gives us strength to feel worse later and it has worked really well for me as well. Thank you for your great support.
@lauriedmills75812 жыл бұрын
Yes! 100% agree :). I accidentally figured this out via learning about moral injury hindering exposure therapy for trauma because the shame and guilt, regret and remorse are uppermost in the person's heartache so exposing them again and again to it only makes them relive the trauma and make it worse. I suspect EMDR is also not helpful in this scenario. I think moral injury is something many scapegoats endure.
@freakofnurture40 Жыл бұрын
The title alone is awesome, I’m looking forward to this…
@gillianhamilton6535 Жыл бұрын
Long periods of coming to terms and by reasoning with compassion for all concerns, only to be replundged into complexity, and pain, by any slight unsafe contact. Fortunately, this just requires some isolation and rest to recede and for me to become once, again, self aware.
@firehorse99962 жыл бұрын
"Hello New Me: A Daily Food and Exercise Journal to Help You Become the Best Version of Yourself, (90 Days Meal and Activity Tracker)" is the title of a very inspiring food journal I bought a couple months ago for 7 euros on Amazon. Lots of extra space in the journal to scribble notes and tick off how many glasses of water you drink every day. It's a "concrete" physical representation of the internal work you're doing. "Looking at eating as an act of care for yourself" BRILLIANT. Thank you, Jay ;-)
@BubblegumCreepydoll Жыл бұрын
I haven’t commented before, but I find you by far, as the best therapist I’ve heard talk about this kind of relentless abuse. It’s like you were trained for me. Thank you so much 🙏
@SendItForward Жыл бұрын
I feel the same way.
@vickimann32622 жыл бұрын
Plus, we have a God given resource of insightfulness, foresight and intuition so when people are trying to undermine you with their spiel you have conviction of the truth and can get empowerment and validation through these videos.
@dnk45592 жыл бұрын
Thank you Jay. This resonates with my experience. It wasn’t until I had the safety of a loving husband and supportive Al-Anon friends that I was able to finally do the deep digging of the trauma caused my my Narc father’s scapegoating. My siblings have practiced his same behaviors. I’m now working on learning to stand up for myself in a loving way not just for my siblings but for myself. I also have to acknowledge that they may continue to continue the cycle of abuse and believe their toxic positivity is enough to recover from all the trauma we survived. I will choose to continue recovery and examine how much of a relationship if any I can have with them.
@skyedreams28Ай бұрын
It’s really reallly difficult right now with my mother being aged and ill. It was so clear, after avoidance wasn’t an option, and a false reset with the golden child’s husband falling ill, I stepped up, and it all crumbled again after he passed-even he abused me before he got sick. It’s all so ugly. So ugly. The biggest relief I will feel after my mother passes is to cut all ties. Except for any nieces and nephews that leave a door open for me, yet I don’t feel like that will be often or of deep substance, except for a couple of them. I’m in so much emotional pain right now.
@JL-re1rx Жыл бұрын
MAJOR MAJOR THANKS!!!
@stefaniascaravelli9104Ай бұрын
Yes, I found this video extremely useful, thanks. I was a victim of the same treatment "Germain" received, exactly how you described. It Is shocking how similar those narcisistic people are between them. Thank you dr. for your videos, they are all very helpful, and for this video in particular. God bless you.
@user-yd2ol9fj2k2 жыл бұрын
Yes it's true. I needed to learn safety first. Otherwise everything else just takes over & makes you powerless again
@christorres42482 жыл бұрын
Brilliant.
@marleyofficialmedia2 жыл бұрын
You are appreciated!
@Angell_Lee2 жыл бұрын
Thank you so much Jay!!
@nickdesmone2 жыл бұрын
Thank You for this
@dark7angel4565 ай бұрын
I have to feel small or invisible in order for them to feel good. Always edgy from Psychological abuse and trying to find escape from the claustrophobia and self limiting beliefs to avoid them I always felt sunk alot and just let myself self abandon not caring if people care.
@superespiritual15532 жыл бұрын
Wonderful! Thanks!!
@marekm96472 жыл бұрын
Thank you!
@christar95272 жыл бұрын
I’m so grateful for these videos and this one makes perfect sense to me. I have tolerated so much trauma that I’m too weak in every way to take anymore. I have to feel better first. I’ve been trying to heal for a few years now and still feel stuck like I’m spinning my wheels in the mud. I finally figured out that watching videos on how narcissists act and why they do what they do is not beneficial anymore and was making matters worse for me. I need to focus on myself. Like someone else said, imagine a scenario where a little child is hit by a car and the driver takes off. Focusing on the driver and his bad actions isn’t helping the wounded child lying in the road. I’m like that child. I need and want to get better. I’ll be checking out your webinar right away. It sounds like it will be very helpful.
@denisel7802 жыл бұрын
I feel that this is the stage I am in now with my own healing and was pleasantly surprised to see this content available today. Everything you said makes so much sense. Very much looking forward to watching the webinar. Thank you again for everything you give us each week.
@Misterydwn2 жыл бұрын
I'm at a place now where I do not trust anyone bc I can't trust myself. I never know when someone else is bad bc I'm so busy trying to prove I'm not bad. How do we recover without support or the ability to gain support? A therapist violated me 5 years ago, signed an agreement with washinton state not to practice after surrendering his license, and then promptly was reemployed at his old clinic in Kansas. I'm thinking I'm just going to get a van and a dog and head for the mountains, it's the only place I feel safe. But I'm terrified of being alone with no one to call if I'm scared or hurt out there. Is there a way to learn to trust yourself again while 100000% alone? The thought of letting anyone close to me gives me a physical reaction, I feel like a street dog that's been so traumatized all I do is snarl out of fear when I really want to live and trust. Ughhhh, sorry so long and not sure if useful for video idea, but if there was a way, I'm thinking after covid and stuff, I'm not alone in this. I keep reaching out to my narc mom in weakness and sinking back into depths of scapegoat mentality. Eventhough I know consciously from you and other vids she's a narc and I'm a scapegoat, I'm not actually bad- I just can't seem to break away without anyone else in my life. I'll go 4-6 months, then something scary happens to me and I call my mom before realizing what I'm doing, she hurts me, and then bam. Another 6 months of depression, like a switch flips, literal brainwashing. Thank you so so so much. From someone who no longer trusts professionals in person, I can't thank you enough.
@user-ey4rc5tu4t2 жыл бұрын
Bingo. This is a very important realization. I know that my time in therapy was heavily influenced by television. My expectations were also “go in and bleed”. It was like a Pavlovian response. Someone needs to re-wright the script. But please don’t call it “coaching”.
@christiebrkt Жыл бұрын
Excellent 🎉
@carospereman35372 жыл бұрын
Always brilliant vids Jay.
@kimlec35922 жыл бұрын
People say it wasn't that bad. Then i think how my brother is in the cemetery.
@pthumphries12 жыл бұрын
Hey there, I think it took me like nearly 12 years to pin point it from the beginning of searching, that being "dismissed" was one of the major problems. And with this, my response has been to downplay achievements. What's the problem here? I've achieved alot, but nothing's special, everything is "trophies collecting dust". Which is so defeating everytime there is victory. Do you have any particular information that hovers around this? The ability to feel happy with achievements would be a literal god send
@cairosilver29322 жыл бұрын
Probably also the narcissistic abuse has been treated as 'normal' by the victim. So going through a recall of an event (like being thrown down the stairs) just seems normal if you recall it, despite stress levels getting to 7 out of 10. Without an established safe place all these red flag events just look like...regular flags.
@dotsyjmaher2 жыл бұрын
I remember the first time I told a young adult new friend just a FEW of the things my "Mother" did to me...she FREAKED out and started crying...I said.."Well it sounds bad NOW" she freak again..and said" you are SO nice...HOW ARE YOU NOT A SERIAL KILLER?" It was the first time I was confronted with how NOT NORMAL MY MOTHER WAS..
@omars19822 жыл бұрын
You look like Jonathan Taylor Thomas from Home Improvement.
@UniversalMysticsOfChrist Жыл бұрын
Subbed!
@ancek4042 жыл бұрын
Thank you!! Do you do virtual therapy?
@stonemanson48842 жыл бұрын
👍
@lisaperez82762 жыл бұрын
What is it with the table manners? My dad did that too LOL
@ginagg2002 жыл бұрын
I wish I could afford your course :( maybe in the future
@skellingtonmeteoryballoon Жыл бұрын
But what’s just a shot from the hip ?
@christar95272 жыл бұрын
I’ve tried several times to sign up for the webinar but nothing shows up in my email. What should I do?
@christar95272 жыл бұрын
I’ve tried several times to get the webinar but I can’t. Nothing shows up in my email. What should I do?
@donnalands68652 жыл бұрын
Hi Jay you are gorgeous 😍
@kylielogan8771 Жыл бұрын
Talk therapy didn’t help emdr has in the past. At least for me.