I had no idea this was abuse. This was 100% of my childhood

Would you rather whip yourself or have an abuser whip you? I'd rather punish myself because I'd be gentler. If I attack myself first... my parents might go easier on me... This is how I got set up to self-attack for life.

This is one of the most helpful videos for me. At age 54 I’m still rebelling against my mean mother. I still don’t brush my teeth at night. I am late for work every single day. Hours late. I don’t ever make my bed. Ever. I have so much hate for the way she treated me. I wish I could take it out in her instead of me.

Wow this is why I would never get out of bed early up until recently… forget your parents, they don’t exist but your therapist does.

It's pretty difficult to have such terrible people to have to bond to because deep down I never want to bond with people like that and is actually uncomfortable but my internal instincts wants to have a connection but it can't

Now I understand why I've been "self-sabotaging" all these years. Finishing school, getting a job, budgeting, brushing my teeth, earning enough income to support myself, exercising, keeping things neat and tidy, and just being plain old happy feel like acts of self betrayal for all the intolerable injustice I faced all these years when all these things were forced upon me to complete "or else". It's almost as though being miserable, unkept, broke, and emotionally unstable became my ways of individuating. But now I'm broke, unkempt, miserable, and emotionally unstable. Dang it. But the thought of being successful and independent makes me feel nauseated because I'll feel like a sellout doing all the things my parents wanted for me all along. The messed up thing is that they claim to want all the normal things any normal loving parent would want for their child so imagine how insane I look by self sabotaging my life to "get back at them" for abusing me by not getting my life together bringing shame on the family but I end up just looking like an immature failure to launch idiot village loser of the family tree. There's levels to this narcissistic abuse. Insidious levels. There's so many hidden and locked doorways to unearth as you heal and recover. It's like I have e to get so much worse before I can get better, IF I can ever get "better".

Normal tasks of self care and functioning feel like demands to prove my worth- I’ve been stuck in that. Thank you!!

Jay, the level of subtlety and nuance you’re able to articulate about this type of abuse is beyond impressive. This is an artistic masterpiece.

Narcissists punish your choices that are attempts at individuating instead of celebrating your capacity for independence. You are afraid to try anything new that deviates from the narcissist's intended goals or intentions for you because if you dare to attempt anything new and fail, the narcissist will then mock and scours you and remove their "safety net" from you for daring to rebel against "your assigned role".

Initially, I coped by becoming a prodigious artist and student, using the skills to divert our mother's attention and to win approval from people outside the family; but it seems this "success" provoked more rage from her. Very often, I would come home to Mom's backbiting to Dad, making me look bad through exaggerations and outright lies. My rebuttals just incited more rage and backbiting. Work was seemingly the only other way I could gain Mom's trust or approval so, as soon as I got a driver's license, I got a job. Even if it was 25 miles from home, at least I wasn't at home. I washed dishes at a steakhouse every night during the week and worked as a radio DJ on the weekends. Every moment at "home" was heavy and tinged with deep regret. I'm in my 50s now, and still frequently feel the need to escape, but thanks to my wife and kids home is a warm and loving place, nothing like what we children of the narcissist mother experienced.

Once again you have illuminated issues that have caused me to self sabotage. I become a rebellious child asserting my independence when I avoid tasks and responsibilities.

What is significant is the rage emanating from the narcissistic parent during interactions with the scapegoat concerning grooming and hygiene, particularly as the scapegoat enters adolescence. A developing scapegoat triggers the narcissistic parent’s envy. It is as if the parent feels resentment that they must be involved with and help the scapegoat in these areas. However, if the scapegoat is struggling with hygiene and grooming, to the point of experiencing discomfort, the narcissistic parent will become involved in order to feed off of the scapegoat’s pain. These experiences with the narcissistic parent can cause the scapegoat to deal harshly with themselves in adulthood concerning matters of hygiene and grooming, such as having unrealistic expectations or becoming overly self-critical.

Thank you for these intensive video sessions. People told me I was hard on myself, some took advantage. Currently reading your book! After walking away from dysfunction, I started to create daily habits (for myself): rise 5am early, make my bed, eat healthy, clean as I go, read, enjoy my hobbies, walk in nature, etc. After several years, I come home to a tidy place, bed is made, dishes put away- i'm doing this for me. If I need a day off, I leave the dishes, the dust, or eat my favorite dessert while watching some stand-up comedy.😉 I still have lonely days, dark memories- but, the intensity is softening. I may need a creative project in which to recycle the residule pain, grief and memories. It's in me, it I who will get it out of me by converting past dark energy to something new, usable, beautiful.

This was helpful, thank you. From an early age I was punished if I didn't clean the house and now I struggle with cleaning.

I can't believe it. You described exactly how my childhood was. My parents abused me exactly this way and I've never seen it described so accurately before. You have given me the language and ability to make sense of what my parents did to me.

When I look at a lot of choices I made in my teens and twenties, only in hindsite and much wiser now, I see that I PROPERLY rejected much of the poison I was fed, but I also rejected everything and anything they fed me ... as poison - i.e. I threw the baby out with the bathwater. I often rejected doing what any normal person would consider wise simply because my family also did that or had done that. NOT out of defiance or to 'make them wrong', but because I legitimately feared winding up like them if I lived my life like they had. On the outside, they were high functioning, socially adept (facade/mirroring as I believe they were low low empathy) and generally successful on the outside. Not EVERYTHING they recommended had poison at its root. But I didn't know that, and at a young age didn't know which was poison and which was just practical.

Jay, I was sexually abused by my dad and some of his friends since age 5 to 13. My mother knew and did nothing to protect me. I haven't recovered from this as my sexuality is something deeply shameful for me. I don't know where to get help or how to change my behaviours. I recognise the extreme way in which I was damaged by two Narcissistic parents. It's devastating. Your videos are helpful in teasing out these complex issues around myself and why I often still self-sabotage. I hope I can find a trauma and Narcissistic abuse survivor informed therapist as this seems to be the only way out of this quagmire. Thanks for your sharing.

It’s very true - I have experienced this - jay why are narcs so predictable? Their behavior is like textbook 📕

At 16:30, comparing narcissistic abuse to the scenario of being abducted by human traffickers is a very vivid example that reveals so much of the hell that targeted individuals can go through. All of your videos that I saw taught me a lot. Thank you Jay.

Oh my gosh you are just describing my own life here! Just as an example, all my life until a few years ago I thought that I really hated cooking, because my mum would always force me to do it and than rage at me and blame me because I didn't do it perfectly, saying I was lazy, I could never live well by myself, I was terrible, I was a horrible ungrateful untidy person and so on, I just couldn't do anything right. So just the idea of getting near the kitchen was disgusting to me for so many years, and I even started having a lot of health issues because I wasn't eating properly. Then with time, since when I lived by myself, I started to notice that when I am alone, or with friends, I actually enjoy cooking because I feel calm and relaxed and I am pretty capable as well!

If I wanted to care for my skin, or pamperlang. I had to do it in secret. Every day I want to see that I have done something worthwhile.

Wow. Cleaning, working and taking care of my appearance are indeed my struggles because I was forced so much about these!

It's a weird feeling letting go of the past and slowly starting to care about myself more, I feel a kind of emptiness.I bet this gets better over time but for now, I have a blankness where the bad stuff used to be.

Thank you so much for this video, I have struggled for many years having an internal battle over doing housework even when I wanted to do it and have had to find ways to distract myself like listening to a podcast. I have never had the courage to discuss this with anyone as I thought it was only my problem. Thanks once again.

Thank u so much! Your channel deserves sooo much more subscribers. You're the most helpful therapist I've seen on youtube when it comes to the breakdown and recovery from childhood trauma caused by narcissistic parents.

Ouch. Thank you. While some symptoms have improved, i'm baffled at how pro-active self-care inspires violent self-condemnation. Y'know those auto-immune diseases where the body mistakes itself for the antigen and attacks itself. I have an emotional psychic spiritual version of that. My now retired acupuncturist had a sign in her office: "You don't have to believe everything you think". Every day i remind myself. This video elucidates that dynamic

Yes, re: housecleaning! That was a big time for my mother's rage. So affirming to hear this video and also see the comments from others with similar experience. Another big thing was being scolded for "saying the wrong thing" to another person. I've recently healed from that, at least to some extent. (I am in my late 50s.)

Thank you! My getting household things done wasn’t bad when I was in my twenties. I couldn’t figure out why I don’t want to do housework when I used to enjoy a clean home, accomplishing my goals etc… during my marriage and after my divorce I realized the abuse from my marriage caused me not to want to do this because my ex wanted me to comply and keep a model like home even with a child. After our divorce I still struggle but this is shedding so much light and now I don’t feel so terrible. I prayed to God for an answer and I wake up to this video! Thank you so much Jay! My parents were like that too but the fact that they worked so much helped me a bit. The abuse in the marriage was far greater and more damaging

Jay, I have to tell you, I was so desperate to heal I turned to hypnosis for trauma, expensive unfortunatly, but it works!!!!!!!!!! I vowed to not listen to ANYTHING about narc abuse again, than this popped up. Sir, I have loved your work for a LONG three years. So this is goodbye, today looks like you may be speaking to me, I will stay eternally grateful!! Bless you JAY!!

I haven’t seen anyone else talking about this tendency in us that we develop to cope… very insightful, thank you 🙏

Wow this is illuminating and distressing at the same time ❤

Expressing your own values rather then having to “do” something is a helpful way to look at things… thank you !

My body and soul needed this.

In my family being hardworking is symbolic that everything is okay so I've tried to signal to my family that I'm not okay by being depressed and incapable of productive daily life but they just call me lazy and selfish, they don't understand that I'm signaling to them that I'm truly not okay, that I'm hurt, that I'm in need of their love. Every time I'm "doing okay" (getting good grades, givibg them mother's day and father's day presents, tolerating my abusive older sister with a smile of complacency on my face, they breathe a sigh of relief as though they are going to get away with all the abuse because I finally piped down and put my nose to the grindstone staying silent about all the atrocious behavior they inflicted on me and became "hardworking". But every time I spiral they get nervous, "Oh no, what is that vindictive little b*tch going to say about us now?!"

😮‍💨 Much Respect & Gratitude for Your Ability to Contextualize These Expieriences

Thank you so much. This explains some of my self sabotage. I wish I could send this video to my younger self ... along with all your other online resources.

Oh no, I had two worlds, one where I adhere to the 'decent parent' and one where adhering to the narcissist is selling out, but then I don't get onto advancing my own life (because, for example, they forced me into education, so I shun education because it'd be selling out). They poisoned the well. Now I have to sift out the poison - and part of that is my association between them and things that could be seen as actually helping me.

Thank you so much for the messages in this video. I have not seen this topic explored much. Your perspectives here are so insightful and so helpful. ☮️❤️

I’m a counseling graduate student who had narcissistic/BPD parents. You put the experience into words that I couldn’t find for the longest time. Thank you!!!

WOW. Of all the years of my searching and healing, I've never heard an explanation for this. This was mind-blowing for me! Thanks, Jay Reid, for filling in so many blanks. I wish I had the money to hire you.

I’m so glad 😀 God’s providence was the successor in the life of Alexis. Good counsel is awesome! Thanks again, Jay. 👍

I want to thank you for your content as a scapegoated adult child and the writing of some paragraphs as someone who has English as a second language.❤

I wish I knew more about what’s normal and respectful ways to get your kids to help out

Not being allowed to sleep in on Saturdays. Now as an adult, I sleep all day Saturday. Some of it is pure exhaustion, some of it is a direct response to being told to "not sleep the day away". House cleaning is always a struggle because I was the maid and did all the housework for two able bodied adults as a child. Now as an adult, I listen to my father outright lie about who did the laundry and complain about the expense of washing his sick wife's clothes. I'm disgusted and tired.

I experience this regarding almost every aspect of self-care. Whether it's cleaning my apartment, working out, or going to the grocery store, it's incredibly triggering. When I go to the grocery store, I have to reassure myself that my parents aren't there and neither are they home timing how long it takes me. That makes it a little easier. The executive function is a problem that's very difficult for me to tackle. Another area where this comes up is addictions. I'm getting to the point where I know I'm going to need to give up alcohol, but doing so is difficult because it feels like I'm doing it for my parents. 10 days sober? That's 10 tally-marks on the chalkboard, something for my mother to use as a weapon when I inevitably relapse.

This is brilliant. I went through a lot of this without really knowing what it was. Idk how long it was really. But I was a total slob. Lol. And I would give anyone the finger for saying anything about it too. Just be ugly Bcuz I was also pushed like that morally (don’t cuss and don’t be rude etc). It was everything also. Like I was on a hunger strike or such. But that was just it. My whole life was like taking orders from a drill Sargent at boot camp and I was DONE. Prob still have a few things yet but a lot of things I was finally able to turn around to serve me and not them. It’s things like this that nobody seems to ever discuss. I love the practical approach as so many times we just need to understand how to make our “day to day grinds” work for us better.

This is very helpful in understanding my relationship with taking care of myself. Thank you.

The example with abduction and sex trafficing was so helpful! So spot on. It connects the dots so well. Thank you Jay.

Thanks Dr!! Super interesting! I avoid all meds cuz i came from a violent family with a Dr parent where meds were regularly pushed, and i simply associate them w/abuse. More important, i quit drinking in 1998, w/AA & therapy. 5 years later, the buried memories began to emerge. I was, like, "That's a flashback? But i've been having these all my life!" I call them flashblacks, cuz there's no visual flash, only kinesthetic. A black wind blows through me. I cannot speak for other depressed folks, but in my case, it's all flashblacks. Evrry time i brush my teeth, or urinate, or select what clothes to put on, there it is. Daily. Several times a day. The ability to recognize that, to say "Ah, there's the trance again...", there's the gentle auto-intervention that manages the condition. It doesn't dissipate immediately. AND, it will be with me always, so deeply embedded in the neurology. But i learned i could be active even so, and take pleasure in the small things. Living in NYC, there's many joys just walking down the street. I'm glad i'm old. The demons are old, too.

Thanks again for making these videos Mr Reid, once again I find tiny gems of enlightenment that help me learn more about myself recovering from this abuse. Every now and then I check out past videos you posted and am delighted to find out I can glean something new from them. You have and continue to be a wonderful resource of encouragement, enlightenment and guidance in my own therapy sessions when I tell and sometimes share videos with my therapist that shows or reveals why I do certain things I do that I can’t identify why I do but would like to change such as chronically getting late to work.

Thank you for all your work, Jay.

This touches MANY areas of my life! I worked for a LAB and was USED to do DISHES, TONS AND TONS of lab glassware! NOT just wash and rinse, these had to be SPOTLESS! I did this for 7 months along with SOME lab tests and blood draws. BUT MY LORD! NO ONE else would touch the freekin DISHES! Then I worked at a University in the Biology department LAB's! And they found out I was an EXCELLENT dish washer so I soon was USED to wash the DAMN LAB DISHES! I wanted MORE LEARNING but was just used most of the time as a GRUNT worker! It STILL takes me FOREVER to do my dishes! OH and a raised a step daughter that got a full scholarship to my Alma Mata. And she took on a job with a professor and he INSISTED she make $24 an hour. I MADE $7.50 an HOUR! AND SHE had FREE SCHOLORSHIP! (I still owe TONS in student LOANS) All of it makes me feel SO USED and degraded! Also NO CHILD SUPPORT for being 100% RESPONSIBLE for her and her SISTER! I say from my experience IF YOU DO NOT stick up for yourself people HAPPILY give you the short end of the STICK! ""'SO TAKE THAT STICK and stick it up their ARSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!! 😁"

Repressing the normal development of teenage child sexuality results later in promiscuity when the child is out of the narc parent's control.

Excellent explanation. Thank you very much for your work to help us all.

Everything you say about the scapegoat I can relate to. It is understood or believed that my father was the narcissist. He was very negative, harsh, and very irritated. But it was my mother I had the problem with. At 6 years old, I felt betrayed by her. I couldn't believe she responded to me the way she did, as if she didn't know how to mother me, as if what was obvious to me about what a mother understands was not onvious to her, she had no clue. So she concluded she didn't know what to do with me. I could not live with being the opposite of what i knew to be true. She didnt berate me, but she tell me i was just like her...sensitive. She didn't like that quality in herself, including being a perfectionist. So corrections were usual. I still don't think of her as being cruel or malicious. I just think she was terribly miseld. I'm still thinking this through. I'm still healing from being the underdog I knew I was, even when I was only 6 yrs old.

Mom had no control of herself so, she tries to control me and she does.

Your work is masterful. Thank you. I really hope to piece myself back together.

This is so specific but not talked about enough 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾 I feel like understanding how horrible the abuser is would help release the sense that they're following their orders when doing self care

My father would dump water on me if I didn't wake up on time. He would throw my sheets out on the porch if I didn't make my bed. When I did the dishes if there was one fork that wasn't perfect he'd dump the entire silverware drawer into the sink and I'd to wash everything. Every time I wanted to see my friends after school he'd yell at me to "settle down." Now I stay up late & sleep til noon and I'm about to run off to burning man. DEFIANCE 🔥

My dad. I always thought he just had OCD. but is was much more than that.

Narc: "I'm only telling you this FOR YOUR OWN GOOD, because I CARE about what others think of you!" 😂 It's taken me nearly a lifetime to soften my rigid stance about what others think of me. Edit: I'm STILL a work in progress. But not quite as harsh on myself as I used to be. Love to you All! ❤️

This is really good. It explains me why i feel so awful when I do good things. I used to be a responsible person and loved me for being that way but it was enduring a life to only survive. Maybe thats why I got shocked when my father decided to not allow me to keep gping to college..i felt devastated because I was losing my right to survive, to escape. It also bring me ideas of how can I let myself be free to take care of myself in a different way withput feeling awkward and awful

Dude, love your videos. Thank you

Thank you for a very supportive video.

jfc this is it exactly. i tried to explain this to my last therapist and all i got was “well you’re gonna have to do a lot of things you don’t want to do in life” WOW NEVER HEARD THAT ONE BEFORE

I can see from what you're saying at about the Midway point, where the child was being criticized how about personal habits, where she was competent in other areas. And you said that because of that she couldn't entertain the idea that her father was being a bully to her, but instead she questioned her own judgment about her ability to do these personal things... So I can see that later this is going to affect her... Of course I'm relating this from my own life.

I should feel ashamed for being a better person and taking better care of myself. My narcissistic mother will antagonize me for doing so as it will show her that do not need her. However, I need to follow to the, "be better", philosophy, so I can reach my true potential. I have to set more boundaries when she becomes more aggressive with her abuse. I am still waiting to go no contact soon enough and I have faith that I will.

In all your videos, i can exchange "parent" for "spouse" and/or boss. It works

I got baptized and started going to a different church than them and I was told my “white pastor ain’t teaching me what I need to know” smh. My church family has helped me THE MOST since I started back attending after marrying a narcissist. Now I’m back at my narcissistic grandfathers house after separation and I’m depressed. I feel stuck. I don’t know how I’m going to get out having a young child. It just feels impossible because my grandpa complains about just driving me places. They just want me to clean up behind them. I can’t

You are very smart in this topic I have to say.

I'm starting to understand after listening to your videos, that the real issue is the narcissists lack of self-esteem, Why it's not there or how it's supposed to have gotten there, I don't know, but to compensate they are basically bullying the child to make themselves feell superior in contrast.

I can relate to a lot more of this than I am comfy with

Fantastic video

Thank you very much 🙏

Thank you so much for your videos!!! They have been so helpful and nurturing, very grateful for your energy/what you share! 🙏☺️❤️

My mother never oppressed me of doing home clean things, but oppressed me in other things like, like if I would go to the Sunday church God would hacher my tongue or that the priest were very angry at me. I was very little less than 6 years old. Today I feel very oppressed when I have to do small things like cleaning my home. May be that's related to that kind of stuff, although my mother never care about if I cleaned or not

I have pushed myself heavily into hope that my parents would love me, strain my behavior into being good kid and successful young adult. But even then narcissistic family was not content. No way, i was too screwed to have my family and even to go straight with feelings. I have unconscious self sabotage. Last years' experience showed that it is my coping below threshold. Many of your comments are very close to my experience then and now. It is very sad..

I feel like I never see you videos in my sun box anymore

Wow this is a topic I really need.

I never really got to have a deep bond with anybody yet in life and I'm 34 I have to suffer from extreme neglect and narcissistic tormenting mind games that lead to severe depression and anxiety and Suicidal Thoughts because of their wicked behaviors and lack of remorse so constantly shutting down to prevent... My dad is like a psychopath an example is tormenting small animals, always felt disconnected and detached from my parents because I never liked how they were but I had to put up with them so it was hard to form a fulfilling relationship them.

Thank you.

Clear picture of state of being

It is pretty wild how many things I do now that are healthy, but feel insane. I always think.of venom Toby McGuire from spider man 3. Where the worst things he does are dance to jazz, eat cookies, be late on his rent, and flirt with women who are receptive... and he's supposed to be a bad guy. Its funny in its own way. 😂 It's all getting easier, now. It takes longer to fade than you want. But it eventually does! Pretty exciting stuff! For a long time, I couldn't even rest. Because rest and taking good care of my body felt like "cheating." Staying in my comfort zone felt like a moral choice instead of a practical thing to do. It's pretty crazy how I was robbed of even the ability to sit down and be where I was.

So true. I was always in trouble, in psychiatrists and doctors offices. My family was actually opposite, I was bad for wanting organization or to self care. I wasn’t given time to do self care. I get anxious whenever I try to do any self care or learn anything about the world. My parents idolized bad and self sacrificing to get others adoration. I had no idea, as my parents followed me through grade school and high school. They followed me through each grade until 8th grade. I never even knew to brush my teeth, and yet they also would come,ain if I ever tried to do self care. My Dad was sex and love addict which included pedophilia . My Mom even bought me teddies and would have me drink to have sex with boyfriends. I wasn’t even allowed time to do homework, I had to help my parents with their school programs. I could be criticized one day for the same thing I was idolized for the next day. Even when anorexic my Momwould whisper to me she got skinnier as I was forced to be weighed at the local hospital’s psychiatrist office. That psychiatrist was brutally killed by one of his clients in Las Vegas. He was also a pedophile 😊

So asking a child to clean up after themselves abuse now?i do everything else for them...disrespecting the common space we live in is just selfish and rude. Leaving dirty dishes everywhere, trash on the ground....NOT OK

First ❤ great video Jay 😊

How do you contact someone like Jay Reid directly? I keep changing therapists. I cannot find someone who understands this concept. I am 51 and have sought help 30 years. The weight is heavier. I cannot put it down. I am shocked to hear someone expound my perspective so clearly and well nuanced. “Getting over it, accepting it…” are not working…

No, they aren’t.

Where’s last week’s video 😅

Im a little confused..i thought tellling children or teacging them what to do was what we aree supposed to do? (Without the aweful pur downs of course) funny because my narc critical mother made remarks on my posture

Do You Have info on the 3# Pillars. In an Ebook form?

I dont care ill be the sell out! Ill be the bad guy! Screw that you guys ALL deserve BETTER! All of you they are lying to you! Constantly

Please tell me if Jay is presenting the solution to this rebellion and self sabotage? To the feeling of go against myself when doing basic chores? I'm not native speaker and have little lost.

How can I get therapy with you? I'm in UK. Do you do teams or zoom sessions?

WOW.....I have felt like just giving up...JUST IN TIME... PUT THE PLATE IN THE SINK..LOL Once.. I decided to revolt...I just did not come home after my college classes... I did not call... They had plenty of homecooked meals in the freezer if they got off their behinds... I came home at 9 pm.... Someone had warmed up my cooking..and opened cans of corn and ACTUALLY made salads with vegetables I had prepped... As I walked in my sisters said..."We thought you might be hungry"...lololololol 9 pm..... They left everything out for hours.. SO I WOULD HAVE TO CLEAN UP LOLOLOL IT IS A MIRACLE I AM NOT A SERIAL KILLER..LOLOLOLOL OH BOY THANK YOU..THANK YOU..THANK YOU

I am a 69 year old child. 😂

🎯🙏🏼💖

No they aren’t. Never.

It's obvious that u were a scapegoat urself.

Sorry, not a good example, the traffic victim one, sounds like U are trying to persuade someone to just have sex. Most human trafficking victims become hipersexual and unable to say no. And hipersexuality is definitely a self betrayal. Those women don't connect with their own feelings, they just freeze and obey the man that might want her sexually at that moment. Very unfortunate example. Not helpful and U could really harm a confused girl with that opinion. Hope U meant no harm.