This channel is a precious resource for humanity.

My family NEEDS me to be messed up. Here is what the ‘double bind’ looks like in their dysfunctional way of relating to me: they reject me when I am not messed up so that they can justify rejecting me when I am messed up. Here is how it works: when I act in ways that indicate I am a capable, moral person, they credit other people for my progress, they ignore my achievements while emphasising the achievements of others, or they act as though the achievement is ‘no big deal’. They also act as though they don’t expect it to last (because they seem to believe I am just pretending to be a decent, capable person). Then, when I am having a difficult time in life and I share my challenges with them, they go back to ‘business as usual’ where they can treat me like the family failure. I am rejected for doing well so that they can reject me for not doing well. Going ‘no contact’ has helped me to understand why I was always waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me.

I never absorbed being the ‘bad child’ I was punished for. But, I started bed wetting, nail biting, and cut my hair off at age 6. I remember cutting it off out of ‘frustration’. I’ve now learned enough to finally accept narcissism is a deficiency of self esteem and wellbeing, they have basically outsourced their self esteem and wellbeing, beaming when supplied with it, raging/punishment when we reduce it (shame, blame, game them). I finally feel at peace. Thank you Jay Reid. For being our Champion!

Everything you speak of here is the reality of being the scapegoat. The narcissistic parent has to put themselves above their child at all times, it is such a twisted reality to accept. They don't change!

This guy is the most brilliant guy on this topic!

The more we dig for truth , the more it hurts

We know what they do. Repeating it is depressing. How do we recover? We need help, not telling how we were abused over and over and over.

I never felt corrupt. But I was deeply ashamed of my parents for being so cruel to me. I didn't want anyone to know how awful my parents were. I pretended everything was good at home to save face. I learned to smile even if I was aching inside.

I can't believe how long I have needed to hear this. It makes me so angry to see my little girl self trying to figure out why life has to feel so awful. To have disgust directed at you because you are upset that you are not being treated fairly. Neglect was the biggest weapon of my mother. She sensed my ability to just see right through her. I'm sure even if I didn't say anything she knew by the sadness on my face and how dare I have an emmotion .This is so eye opening. Why were all the therapists I saw just so clueless. Never helped because I needed to stop blaming myself to get anywhere in life. Thankyou for your wisdom and compassion. You are the bomb.

I think its been one of the hardest things for me to come to terms with that all i could really do in the situation was survive. Its a hard pill to swallow but as your videos demonstrate its part of healing to acknowledge the reality of what happened. I plan to one day campaign against this kind if abuse and prevent it happening to children especially because they are so helpless and they need to be better protected than i was. No child should have to defend themselves from a narcissistic abusive parent.

Wonderfully enlightening, thank you A while back I noticed a pattern in me: when someone near me did something, mean, exploitative or bad I would begin to feel heavy, weak, depressed, bad and filled with dread and foreboding. It was from carrying others bad deeds and ways. Somehow they had become my shame. Hey guess what? That’s bullsh!t.

Excellent topic! This is one of those graduate level scapegoat topics, the sort you can't necessarily name but is essential to heal. Scapegoats carry the shame of their abusers so understanding that they intentionally corrupted us with their stuff. The sadism here is the especially psychopathic.

“Hostility towards himself seemed to mirror his hostility towards him as a child” there it is… the scapegoat whip. The thinking I deserve to be this harsh on myself” I feel the whip on myself justified it isn’t

Thank you jay, for being the voice so many of us never had, and in so doing leading us to find our own voices. I finished my medical degree, decided to shift careers and am now in college to become a psychologist at 26 years of age. You have changed my life. And i hope to lead my future clients to recover their voices in the same way you are helping in recovering mine. The journey never ends, but it becomes so much richer in the presence of those who understand, and are rescuing themselves in the same ways we are. So thank you for creating this community. I wish you all peace and joy.

WOW I needed this. Some adults are trapped the same way as when they were a child, and have not had the privilege of correcting the power dynamics and therefore become free (like in my case, with disability)- and these feelings are SO strong. Thank you so much for providing clarity about how integrity and power dynamics intertwine in these relationships.

Badass for the underdog. Beautiful being. Jays fluid to the trauma. Finding your work has accelerated my healing non stop ✌️ ❤

Thank you Jay, for helping me figure out the truth about my parents, and the reason I've always felt so down on myself. As I move forward, I cannot be both my true self and the person I had to be to have a relationship with my mother. The contrast is (and I am) growing stronger with time.

Thank you. I certainly grew up feeling that I wasn't good enough or I needed to do better, thanks to my father. My brother had no idea of what was going on at the time. Years later, despite my being the eldest, my brother was made Power of Attorney (noone bothered to tell me, as I didn't need to know - my interpretation), at a time when I was "not talking to" my parents (my brother's words). I've spent time in hospital, multiple times over the years, in psych wards due to my parents, their behaviour, my anxiety and their ignorance of my ill health. If it appeared that I wasn't talking to them, it was because I needed time away from them. I needed distance. It infuriates me to hear my brother say this. I had several bad relationships growing up, where coercive control etc was involved, again often causing hospitalisation, as I was made to feel so incredibly small & worthless. Only after having lived away for almost 10 years, can I clearly see what was happening to me, as well as to my mother whose only escape was alcohol. (She passed just over 2 days ago, and my father, whom I have to interact with to some degree has heard that I won't be able to attend the funeral if it's at the church where I grew up due to PTSD, anxiety etc. His response has been "really? You have an anxiety problem? I had no idea..." Complete denial! Excuse my long post, but this is a very difficult time, once again!

“Being nobody to no one”- avoiding Annihilation. Those are very nuanced points. Colluding in our own betrayal is nice to walk away from, in awareness.

I'm very happy about your new content every weekend! Thank you so much. Have a great weekend everybody.

How wonderful of Paul's therapist to validate Paul's anger and worth for him!! To let him know that others are supposed to be accountable, and not attack you when you call them out on misbehavior/not meeting standards. I had a therapist that would take up 10-15 min of my time talking about herself! I stopped seeing her w/out telling her I was upset that she was taking my time, that I was paying for!! Never being allowed to question/confront parent about anything made me feel I didn't have any say in how I was treated. I'd gotten to the point that I wanted to say something but was still afraid of the confrontation and possible accompanying backlash, so I chickened out.😢

Jay Reid finds words to express all the emotions I have felt during abuse from family and the grief felt when I discovered the truth. I need Jay Reid and his dose of sanity every week! Thank you Dr.

Big hugs Love care n compassion to all survivors. Scapegoat no more. Weve become Black Stallions. Thanks for your education and validation Dr Jay. Youre a beautiful soul.

Dear God, I humbly ask you to remove our burdens in accordance with your will..let it be done. Amen

I've watched this twice & wish I could hit the "like" button 1000 times. Thank you so much, Mr. Reid🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡

I had one adult in my life, not a family member, who helped me begin to understand that I could choose to live in a more honest way than I was raised to live. Like Jay, he was a therapist. I am so grateful to that man.

The scapegoat has to be no good for the narcissist to feel better about themselves. I had to leave a narcissistic family system to save my mental and physical health.

Your videos are so healing, I grew up in this environment no adult accountability/responsibility but me a child was expected to be the epitome of good behavior. They could behave however they wanted I was supposed to ignore/pretend and treat them with respect. It really drained my life force from my soul. 😢😢

Thank you for calling it lying and dishonesty. I appreciate the directness of this, matter-of-fact holding them accountable for the wrong doing and calling it what it is. I find that facilitates healing for those like me who have been the target of their projections based on their needs to lie and cover up their unconscious sense of inferiority or lack of worth. We no longer have to bear that burden on their behalf when we can name what is happening or has happened. They are lying to themselves, they then must continue that web of dishonesty out of commitment to their version of their own protection, which extends to damaging the identity of their offspring and ruining the reputation of the son/daughter as well. They alone must carry that responsibility, since they often refuse to take accountability and seek help for themselves to truly change, while I shoulder the task of healing with those who I choose who ARE safe and emotionally resilient.

I’m just now starting to work through the damage from my narcissistic mother & codependent father. Your channel is so helpful. Can you do a video about what normal parenting looks like? I hear people say things like, “you have the right to say no to your mom without being attacked”, or “you don’t have to DO anything to be loved”, or “you’re not responsible for your parents’ happiness.” I’m amazed and intrigued by these statements! What do “normal” parents believe? What do their children grow up to believe about themselves? Nga mihi from NZ 😊🙏

Living dishonestly for personal gain is who i lived with for 10 years. And then they want u to supprt and agree with their lies or else youre their enemy

Dr Reid, you are always so on point with what I have experienced with my mother. I am in my 60s now and I can not thank God enough for people like you. Thank you....Gracias

Oh Dear Jay, this video feels like a balm to my whole heart! Sending you a giant hug! How very, very thankful I am for you! 🧡🥰🧡

Super episode, Jay. Such deep, precise insights into the complex feelings experienced in a narcissistic family. Your compassion for survivors is evident. You are saying what we need to hear to help untangle the emotional mess left in the narcissist's wake. Thank you for every insight, every word. You help us rise to know, bit by bit, who we actually are - our own honesty and integrity. I can't thank you enough for your helping videos and topics.

Thanks for this one Jay, "its not what you heard, its what you're hearing"..bars😀🌟🙏

You're doing the lords work sir

love ya Jay. Hope you are ok too!

I think its important too to get out there and enjoy life, and do things you enjoy and be kind to yourself and try out different things to figure out who you are so you can get back to being you again.✨💜✨

"The child was not free to exercise their will." They had to survive the toxic environment by any means necessary. Very powerful stuff. Really helps me see how I adapted (maladapted) to survive.

I’m ready to really stir things up. They are very entitled, controlling, and spending my nephews inheritance he knows nothing about. He is so kind and caring…a wonderful soul and they exploit, bully and manipulate him. I’ve had it.

Thanks Jay. Very helpful video about this feeling of corruption and where it comes from.

Have greatly distanced myself from a group of siblings/in-laws who are not safe people who have trampled over me- in ways too sneaky to see coming. The aftermath is a feeling of "i wasn't smart enough to defend myself" even if connived behind my back. Loved, cared for family- yet, betrayal has put me in an emotional freeze. Struggle to feel anger as may need, even feel guilty for not accepting an invite; politely bowing out. Nobody asks about me, living alone. Don't feel like the original me. Mom and I were close- she kept things at bay, she's gone. Perhaps a bit of betrayal blindnes keeps the heart at bay- knowing how awful my own siblings treated me..a way to protect myself. Mother was a witness- "they were wrong" told me i was the smart one, means emotionally mature, while these siblings were "all mixed up" is how she put it. After several years, Found some peace, but the mojo of my spirit is "on caution" careful for the other shoe not to drop.

My mother would use my pain to get validation and attention. I would get bullied at school and I didn’t want to go. She turned it into a drama triangle and told other family members I was out of control. No empathy for my experiences with bullying.

Thank you for clearly explaining the difference between making choices necessary to survive and choosing dishonesty for personal gain, and making clear that the narcissistic parent is who has been dishonest for personal gain.

This is incredibly sad. After a narcissistic woman deeply hurt me I’ve had trouble understanding why. Wouldn’t matter anyway because I offered her every bit of compassion. I just could see her daughter doing this.

This is so on point. I have battled with these feelings of inauthenticity and “corruption “ … and also a regret for not standing up for myself or rebelling. But I was hated BECAUSE I was that kid who said “the emperor had no clothes,” which is why I was targeted. After that, I had to choose survival. I definitely didn’t gain. I survived until I could escape. On the flipside, I can’t STAND when people nitpick me for timeliness. I don’t care when they’re late, and I try to be on time but struggle in this area. It gives me extreme anxiety to meet up with people who are sticklers in this area, and I really am about to cut off all the people who nitpick me about being 6 minutes late when we meet up. Paul was right to be concerned about his therapists reaction to 3 minutes 😂.I would drop him as a client because life is too short. I’m sorry, Paul, one scapegoat to another….chill….life happens. People are busy, and there’s traffic. Maybe try to be 5 minutes late to the next thing yourself. Youll see it’s not the end of the world. My narc parent was a stickler for timeliness, and everywhere we went, we were 15 minutes early just so we could hear her complain about everyone’s tardiness and her own superiority for the next half hour. It’s a waste of life energy.

Thank you so much. It’s such a relief to understand I had no choice. But at the same time, it’s so hard to realize this only after several decades - well, better late than never. It’s crazy-accurate how the enemy term is in our family: my father was a vulnerable narcissist and gave his sons names that all mean warrior in some old language of our country (“I never wanted to have children” - then why three of them? Because he was a liar and he wanted a daughter which didn’t happen). While my younger siblings indeed are the fight type, I’ve been the door-mat of the family, but not any more: thanks to my wife, therapy, and all your information, I finally managed to gain some distance. Thanks again.

Glad you're back after the off screen work Jay! As a lifelong scapegoat in my family, I recently got that in a work place. Dude! I recognized what was going on and so did my anxiety. I got another job and turns out I can go back to school with this new schedule while getting paid better👍 I could tell my lead and supervisor had a team thing where they just lie and blame their underlings instead of remedying issues. I found out they have highest turnover in company and could see the dishonesty, sadism, and callousness in the two. I saw my fate was sealed with them and luckily got bless with new opportunities when I stopped trying to fix a broken team and moved on instead. Best of luck Jay and thanks for great content!

Exactly biatch!!!! Exactly!!! Thank you! Exactly!!! Exactly!!! Exxxxxxacccccccttttllllllllllyyyyy!

I really enjoy these videos because I was targeted by narcissistic people for most of my life and they have to make me feel small in order to survive and manipulate everybody against me and make me feel defective in order to survive which is a very difficult and horrible position to be in

The truth will send you free

I never felt corrupt...I could NOT understand why adults who knew the truth would not confront...ever prosecute her..... INSTEAD they pretended my father's drinking was the cause of all the problems... His drinking was only embarrassing...not dangerous.. He was so easy to read and easy to deal with... But this explains why SO many people INVENTED a BIG lie so they did not have to take action against the REAL abuser... When 3 out of 4 of my siblings realized SHE was going to get away with it everytime...They became flying monkeys... When the sh*t FINALLY hit the fan and fell completely apart..THEY suddenly wanted me to "fix" their lives like I had since 14.. I couldn't I was desperately trying make a living and had no time for their BS acting out... SO SHE had come out smelling like a rose...now had a job...robbing my father by getting alimony while not contributing to my sister's very expensive psych care and hospitalization. SO now she could REALLY manipulate them...and I became.."well you know how weird and selfish she is".. AFTER BEING THE FAMILY SLAVE SINCE 14 LOL...taking the hits for them..making special meals for them..driving them places..even giving my crazy sister money to take tests for scholarships...she never got any...we kept trying... I was "the good mother" and the vicious maggot real mother was too dangerous to hold accountable..so they upped the abuse on "the good mother"

I grew up thinking this was 100% normal. I had too many relationships with people who married my parents' narcissism and trauma. You are giving me a light to follow through the dark tunnel on the way out.

Thank God for Jay. I've been off with watching these 'narc abuse survival vids' for a while, thinking I dont need them anymore/trying not to be triggered daily. WELP, i'm back ready to continue my healing journey.

This is helping me so much. Since I was a kid, I would always ‘go with flow’ with friends. I would wonder how they could be themselves but I felt I had to give them preference in everything. Now much later I realize it’s because that’s what my family of origin instilled in me…that what I would like doesn’t matter, it only what matters what others want. This has put me in a lifelong struggle. I isolated myself from people for several years and now I’m barely starting to try to be with people again. It has been really scary for me but it has also been good. One step at a time. I had listened to your video that said it’s important to find safe people. It’s little steps. What I do know now, is that I’m free to be able to express myself authentically with less fear of what others think.

Very interesting. Maybe this gave some insight into why some of us might tend to get down on ourselves for allowing things to happen and for as long as they did and feeling like we might’ve been too weak, when this video affirmed that there often was no choice in the matter, heartbreaking as it is. I thought it also helped me to better understand why I get so tense when I feel the need to assert myself, when in the past, I was a pushover. Well, being a pushover got me nowhere, and made me resent those who violated my boundaries, but mad at myself for not even trying to establish any. In a perfect world, the respect would just be automatic. But I had to tell myself that nobody’s a mind reader, so if I don’t say anything, how will they know? And further, when I’ve let these things go unsaid, my anger festers. So since a few years ago, I’ve tried to call others out when something doesn’t sit well with me. Inevitably, I always get harsh backlash (from anyone, narcissistic or not), and I never really win and get made to feel like I did something wrong in trying to assert myself. Yet, in spite of the backlash, I deep down inside feel a bit proud of myself for speaking up. Many others have someone who has their back and sticks up for them, but in my case, if I don’t look out for my best interests, who will, so it’s my job and I owe it to myself, even if that means getting yelled at or having my concerns trivialized, and getting alienated. I should be used to rejection by now, but it still feels terrible, but I also have to learn more self reliance, and then the rejection might not sting as much.

Thank you Jay ❤ May all of our healings be Blessed by the Divine Light ❤❤❤

I, too, often turn to the immortal words of the rapper DMX when dealing with toxic people: "Y'all gonna make me lose my mind/ Up in here, up in here." 😂😂😂

Two minutes in and I am already crying. Thánk you

Here's to Authentically Trusting YourSelf 💞

Jay you are such a gift to us. I am learning so much from you. I really resonated with your story about the fears of the client speaking up about his therapists tardiness. I have that fear that if I speak up about my feelings I’ll be attacked. You helped me see where this assumption comes from and that I need to challenge it. Thank you for all you do here to help us. ❤

Thank you!

Hard to meet normal people after having been scapegoated a life long. You meet only weird people or people who are afraid of you because you are an attractive person. How does this transference of bad feelings about oneself operates ? How the parent transfers his/her feeling of corruption onto another being ?

Thank you so much for this video, Jay - The word " corrupt" felt completely accurate, and I hadn't been able to pin-point a word to the feeling until now.

Good job Jay

At last I understand. Being in public with my covert narc mother is an agony of feeling as if I'm a liar, wearing a false mask. She acts sickly sweet in front of others and the world thinks she's almost literally angelic. I've spent my life having to treat her the way they all do, while I silently scream with the duplicity of her firstly, and myself secondly. Now I understand my behaviour and know it isn't my fault. I've had to!

Thank you so much, Jay!

the narcissistic parent in my opinion had no choice either he is also a Victim of his childhood the main thing is listening to podcast like yours and learning improving and breaking cycles i was married to a narc for 40years and very overwhelmed in the marriage and afterwards to deal with his smear campaigns parental alienation from my 2 children from my ex lies and manipulations i feel much better after 5 years of healing myself i have also tried to understand my exs childhood that he is also a victim of his childhood and forgive him but still remain no contact with the weasel

Jay, thanks!!! @ 4:33 This has literally created the energy and purpose behind my 'DJ name & creative personality' Grew up believing that I will have to be the bad guy or be made into the Villain...no matter how good I am. That's why its V '1LL1N and not Villain. haha To hear this, made me both tear up and chuckle at the literal truth of all this. Thanks again Jay. Feeling like you get it, yet dont even have to, is awesome. I am a damn good v'1ll1n.

Thank you so much you're the only therapist that is actually touched home with me I listen to a lot and I went nope that doesn't fit note that doesn't fit and I listen to you and I went wow, now i get it. The only thing is at 60 should i even try to heal? I feel like it's in my DNA. I really have no one to talk to and the people i do have to talk to are tired of hearing it.

Both of my parents were narcissists. Your videos are great because they’re logically presented without emotion. Thanks.

I think Jay is a hip-hop head, which is pretty cool. I'm trying to dive into the genre and discover some fundamental albums, so it's always nice to hear a bar recited in these videos.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I could not thank you enough for these lessons! All my love

As a child, I did choose to be on my own. I believe I was able to do this because I had a nanny who I adored (whom my mother tragically bannished when I was 5 yrs. old). I still cry over this (I am 63) but it allowed me to preserve the truth.

You akwats have the perfect words to describe these scenarios . Thanx 4 sharing your expertise with us❤

slippery slope. We got a narc department manager and all the other people in the department decidedto side with the narc in order to survive and gain favour with the narc. I became the scapegoat of the department because I called out the abuse. So the others are abusive so as to gain favour, so they are corrupt.Or are they doing so merely to survive and avoid inevitable abuse so they are mere 'victims'?

Thank you for your great help and support Jay. God bless you❤

Truth spoken here that's deep and true

Your videos are amazing. More people will find these. Thank you for helping us. ❤

Your videos are extremely enlightening. Thanks.

This info has changed my world.

What an outstanding video. I learned so much about my childhood dynamic from this. Thank you so much.

This channel has changed my life I really really appreciate this! I have been to therapy for 10 years and nothing like this! I am the scapegoat but I thought I was the golden child! Wow!!!!! Honestly life changing!

Hope you guys find healing and peace

Thanks so much for this Jay. I'm late diagnosed autistic and also BPD. Content like this is helping me slowly make sense, set boundaries etc, not all in linear order of course!

Lots of gems in here, thank you so much! 🌟🙏

Thank you for this novel yet profound insight ❤

Yes, ive been dishonest with myself and others. Mainly i think after watching this is the people ive attracted let in, not set proper boundaries would have the reactions id expect, not like the mentioned therapist with understanding. So when it gets a bit heated and i know ive compromised myself and values the narc fights back. At that point ive already made my mind up long before they've walked out the door because i wont allow them back in and as they always have plenty of supply, its no real loss to them but i do my hernit crab thing!

I can acknowledge that none of us including me could ever be perfect while at the same time I do appreciate it when someone points out something that I can improve on after it is no longer a blind spot of mine as result. There are some faults of mine which I have a harder time changing. For example the need for me to be mindful of the social graces always no matter what all I am having to face at the same time.

Jay, you're a friggin life saver. Thank you so much for sharing all of this.

No words❤❤❤❤ thank you for this

Very helpful and enlightening Jay. Thanks so much!

Jay is empathy personified

I felt guilty of seeking their resources to escape, felt dis honest and lack of any integrity but never thought I was forced into this without a choice. I would appreciate a friend and would never condemn a friend of lack coherence in action and thoughts but was never giving myself that consideration... I was forced into carrying a burden without any fault and I tried not do die...

This was a great description of the dynamics in these relationships. It was such a relief and empowering to hear it explained this way with clear example scenarios and succinct memorable terms/phrases. Thank you very much.

So good,authentic rules and you have a trustworty aid that is really working !⚓⚓⚓

Yes, sooo true!!!

Thank you for a very informative and supportive message Jay😊 your work has been very helpful on my healing journey.

Loved the DMX reference! 🎉

This explains a lot. Thank you 🌷