our job is to create an emotional environment so they can chose what they want, not what we want.

What's worse than having your parent tell you that you what they expect of you, in meeting their needs, it's worse when things are non-verbal. My mother let me know, in her own way, that she expected me to be her "good little girl" (emphasis on the words "little girl." It was communicated to me that she expected me to not grow up, or have relationships. It took a number of years in therapy before I saw her shut down on me emotionally, all non-verbal, any time I mentioned a guy that I might be interested in, friend or otherwise. The message I received from that is, "It's not OK for you to have a relationship. So toxic and damaging. 😢

I catch myself saying our daughter is everything to us, she’s 30 years old and hates when I say that.

Please don't pity these parents. They know very well what they are doing especially after the child is trying to be on their own.

This really resonates. My father died when I was 12, fairly quickly after a terminal cancer diagnosis, and I was left with my Mom and sister. Mom had moved away from her own family due to her own mother's abuse. I'm not sure she knew herself well enough before she married my father - she was pushed together with him really. They were very different people. Fairly soon after he died, I became a mini-man partner for my mother. My sister became the scapegoat and went on to become an alcoholic and manic depressive. In some part because she was also daddy's girl but also because my mother projected all her faults and abuses onto my sister. I was the golden child, pulled into conversations about 'what are we going to do about your sister'. Mom didn't have to work since my father left enough for us to live on, very modestly. We weren't poor but certainly not 'well off'. As a result my mother didn't work not did she have family or friends around for support. It was just the three of us and any other kids my Mom would caretaker after school. When my sister went to college the weirdness with my mother happened more and more. Never sexual or any inference of sexual behaviour, but jealousy when I found a girlfriend, not letting me have any girls come over, always snooping in my stuff and always taking up my time which should've been spent studying by talking about her own troubles - for hours at a time. When I eventually moved out I realized I was completely out of my depth to exist in the world. I had no confidence, no ability to talk to people, no common sense. It took me years to find a career that I ended up hating and drinking to get through. Many people found me odd and weird and would even say ' you see like someone who needs to be looked after'. Well, that's because I became the people who felt they needed to be the 'man of the house' and look after everyone. I was 12 and grew up very quickly, always feeling guilty that my Mom had no friends and was so sad all the time. Therapists now tell me it was enmeshment and it still goes on to this day. I got married and I'm happy, but I'm also broken. I have a lot of health issues and I've ruined a lot of friendships. Thank you for speaking your truth and shining a light on something that always felt normal and really never was.

Oh that young woman you talk about, being completely incapable of taking care of herself, my heart and congratulations go to her. ❤ Thank you for your valuable lessons. I am implementing some advice. 🙏

Healthy parenting is to allow kids and adult children make decisions for their own selves, so one day when we are not here they will be strong and resilient enough to survive. Love doesn’t mean living your children’s life, but love means letting your children be who they are.

I appreciate your honesty and I am getting a ton of help from the hard work you have put into making these videos. Also, I appreciate the snazzy clothes.

Ugh. I need counseling. This is overwhelming but so spot on. I didn't know this was a thing, but I knew I was struggling and didn't know why. Ugh.

Thank you so much for this clarification🙏I'm 43 and still struggling to set boundaries in an enmeshed family. I have not built a family myself because of this destructive/exhausting enmeshment. The strength it takes to get out is unbelievable.

Thank you for this video, I come from a cultural background that enmeshment is actually encouraged by society. I moved to another country with my wife 3 years ago and the distance helps, but I still feel this sort of "responsibility" and guilt for my parents happiness, it makes me mad sometimes.

Excellent information and presentation!! Thank you!!👏🏽👏🏿👏🏻

Thank you for your videos you have a way of explaining these topics that really resonate and give me a clear understanding. Thank you 🙏

Thank you , well done, Can you do a video on how this plays out with adult children and enmeshed parents as far as living arrangements, and finances and expectations?

Ty Kenny, I love your videos and actually I ordered 2 books by your recommendation. A remote student here

This is description of normal parenting in India. Most are told to have kids coz or else they would be lonely and who would look after them in old age.

That was brilliant.

Thank you for showing me how I am.

This was really good

I was really “shocked” by watching your video. It is me. I thought I was a great dad. Now I guess I am just screwing my daughter up. Is this “concept”’ acceptable with small kids as well? How do I heal this? Where is the fine line between the fine line between being nurturing or over-involved? Not all level of this video applies to me, so how do I find out if I am an enmeshment parent or not? Is it a spectrum? Oh man, I have 100 questions right now.

Kenny big hugggs to you.

Parents are not to blame but are held accountable? How does that work?

If I had only hidden my true values, I would have been invited to the holiday and birthday events. For being an accepting individual, I’m “different”.

Deos narcissist have no boundaries ? Is he codependent like empath ?

I came across a partner in my life, and I'm figuring out how to sort her enmeshment to her mother out...

My husband's mom is like this.

The parent ( dad) wanted my sister to avoid/ hate Mom + Mother used 1 " son" as Partner.. THANK God they IGNORED ME ( I was Lucky)!!!!

Lol try explaining this to south asian famillies-a wife marrhes the whole in law family-that she has to carry them all-if the gal refuses she is not marriageable material-till the monster in law is alive-what she says go-even in the twentieth century they still follow these traits ideolopy and rules-if you break the rules your disowned-so many brit asian kids that have grown up to be adults keep the rules and traits going-

Gilmore Girls

What is the opposite of this? If a parent shows no interest in your life, what is that?

14:20 27:46

puffy and his mother

Guilty.

17:30 No. Just no. They are adults. There are boundaries.

likely an epidemic at this stage, gonna last a generation... spanks!