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It's an endless game. No contact was my only option. A relationship with a narcissist is impossible. After decades of abuse, I am done.

I learned by getting away from my mother, it's not about winning, it's about escaping.

I have a favorite phrase that I use when dealing with toxic, manipulative, or controlling people. I hold it in my head and never say it out loud, but it gives me resolve and strength I need when holding a boundary: “No is a complete sentence.” In other words - no justification is warranted. I don’t owe them an explanation, I don’t have to expose my reasoning to them for them to pick apart or challenge. I get to call the shots for decisions I make, and I also accept the consequences for those decisions. And I choose to not feel badly for saying “no,” and I choose to not play the justification game all day long

"You do not need to let people decide what's in your own best interest"

“Is that how you’ve chosen to remember it?” Perfect.

Great video! Thank you. The "You don't have any sense of humor anymore." was so spot on. This literally happened when I starting confronting a narcissist person about their backhanded compliments and insulting communication.

One thing that I have found that works, especially if they are lying or twisting the truth, is to say nothing and just look straight at them. Both parties know the real truth after all. It seems to give the person a chance to think about that fact before they carry on. Usually, the person simply changes the subject.

Since I am a Christian a phrase the Lord gave me that works well for me is; "God didn't tell me to do that." One person tried to fight with me about it, mocking my trust in God, then I said; "nevertheless, God didn't tell me to do that, if you disagree with Him, go argue with Him." I never heard from that person again. there are few "Christians" who want to admit they argue with God. 😄

i don't like the confusion they try to bring into my life and home .. they lack respect and i really don't enjoy the conflicts..they make me sad

"No thank you" is a favorite phrase of mine when they want to do something or demand I do something that's not in my best interest.

Why does living with a narcissistic person make you feel like the narcissist when you begin to set boundaries?

I recall my eldest half-sister telling me that our father said that very thing to her after his emotional punch: "You're too sensitive and taking things too personally." My response was, "I just stay away from him."

The tide turned for me when I imposed boundaries and made it clear I know my own mind. “Actually, I’m having some alone time this weekend. We’ll catch up next week.” “Actually, I quite like him. He’s always been nothing but pleasant to me.” “No, that’s not how I interpreted what happened.” When they belittle you in public: “Can you repeat that? I didn’t hear. No, go on, say it again,” concentrates people’s minds on what they were trying to do.

"Is that how you've chosen to remember that?".Oh -brilliant!. Thanks so much for that one.

with the vulnerable types who want to hide their anger/complaints under the guise of care & concern, they start tip toeing in a convoluted way & I've found it very useful to say simply "I'm not sure what you mean."

It's not a boundary, it's a barricade.

This 3 part video series is the absolute best no nonsense advice I’ve run across on narcissism. I was mistreated by my mother all my life, then my husband who I divorced then a “ best” friend for years. Recently I realized I was dealing with narcissists. I’m probably an empath. I finally completely ghosted them except my mother. Now I know how to deal with her. She has destroyed my reputation to the point I’m looking to leave to another state and start over. I never knew til several years later what a narcissist is. My mother has people convinced I’m a bipolar person in denial. She has become “ friends” with many of my friends over the years and then they suddenly stop speaking to me except the narcissist friend of course! So many things make sense to me now about my mother. I literally can’t stand the sight of her anymore . 🤢 She physically abused me as a child but not the other 3 siblings. I finally feel that I can get out of her grip as I did the other narcissistic people that were in my life. Thank you for the no nonsense straight forward practical advice for dealing with these toxic kind of people! 💕 I needed to hear this information.

One of the techniques I found most useful when setting and maintaining boundaries was to phrase them as “I will…I will not”. It clarifies my thinking and my approach to the covert narcissist in my life.

My boundaries are not up for negotiations. I have lost almost all of the relationships I had because a mighty narcissist has appeared but I have kept my soul - haven’t sold it. Thank you Darren. God bless you❤

One of the best, most articulate and comprehensive summings up of narcissistic behaviour, as well as pragmatic advice for surviving the onslaught of narcissistic abuse.

Spot on and I love your videos ❤

Great commentary. Something that also helps is to decide, in advance, not to second guess yourself when you've set strict boundaries with someone new, who shows red flags of narcissism. I've had to do this with someone at church. No one else can see that this person is a narcissist, so my actions have seemed strange to others. But, for someone who hasn't experienced or realized what narcissitic abuse is, it's not something you can explain. If you think someone is not right, you need to listen to that extinct and not feel bad that you refuse to kowtow to someone who everyone else thinks is great. Stick to your guns and trust your gut, even if it makes you look slightly odd. God gave us instincts for this reason. It's worth it in the end. And by doing that, you're also sending a signal to the narcissist that you can see them. Get as far away from them as possible.

After a rant filled with false accusations, betrayal, lies, deceit, gaslighting, abuse, passive aggressive behaviour, remarks that felt like whips, I somehow manage to say: Well , I am very pleased you took the first step to communicate, that shows maturity.

Assertive, not aggressive. Stay strong.

As I write this my narcissist partner is giving me the silent treatment. I was on my way to his place to “help” him with something and was listening to Part 3 of this series and I pulled into a parking spot. I determined that he would be able to watch his favorite football team on regular TV as game was apparently sold out. So I started up the car, turned around and came back to my place of refuge. Why grovel? Why be humiliated? Why should I lose or willingly give up my dignity? Thank you for what you are teaching me.

Great advice to practice! I usually freeze up when I get targeted; I can see the trap and just can't find what to say so having a short phrase to practice gives me comfort for when it happens in the future.

I became my own best friend after being raised by narcissistic parents who were also absent. I escaped them and married early. Here I am at 52, having moved from an area that was rampantly incestuous. We had a group of friends from my husbands school days that socialised for over 25 years. My husbands family was large at first and bit by bit became estranged. I don’t know why but I began observing and picking up on comments from both groups that I felt were strange and mind nuMbing,y repetitive. If I aired my or a differing opinion I was jumped on and ignored. From “ the friends” there were times where anyone of them would literally block me from “ the circle” in the middle of talking. Meanwhile the parents /sister ( who showed their true colours after the death of the beloved matriarch) began setting up situations to blame me foe my husbands opinions( eg said very bitterly “ it must be our fault for how we raised him” - father, mother “ it’s her fault she’s had him longer”, all whilst staring directly at me, I pointed this out to husband who literally folded on the spot )I’m guessing at this point I’ve finally reached my line in the sand( over 30 years coming),and drew a lot of inspiration from the Katie perry line,” I went from zero to my own hero”. I though very deeply about where I’d like my life to head vs continued trajectory. I just shut it all down. First deleting folks that I no longer wanted to spend energy on. Interestingly not one of them texted or called,although some of the now adult kids did a bit of the flying monkey thing. Therefore no social media. Husband pushed and pushed re his family until I very calmly and matter of factly listed all the moments that had run over like a landslide. And pointed out not once did he defend me, thus to me defining him as a coward.(an ongoing issue we trying to approach as we’ve had the usual issues with aging parents and off the rails son) So basically we finally moved ( after I’d had a heart attack, time spent in hospital thinking/ dreaming/ envisioning how I’d like to live and who I’d like to have contact with- not one of ‘em!) and I now have very healthy boundaries and literally feel like an immense weight has been lifted.( as I carry some pretty heavy secrets from “the friends”). My only regret is that to find the energy to move on I drew on anger, frustration and vengeance.all negative emotions, but I’ve survived, moved on and am now thriving.

Mr. Magee, you are spot on with keeping yourself safe. I never dreamed my mother would EVER get physical with me, but she did! She's in her 70's and I'm a 6'3" 300 pound fairly muscular boy. I won't go into detail, but I caused a narcissistic injury to her with something I said and she pulled a full body block on me knocking me out of her way of getting the milk for her coffee from the refrigerator. And, this was a few hours AFTER I caused the narcissistic injury. You give great advice, but one still needs to brace themselves for kickback, and it is going to be fierce! EVERY narcissistic person I have dealt with came at me with fury until I learned some tactics, which were very few until I found your work on youtube. I just learned ways to cope and weather the storm. But, there's this one individual, an old flame. She just will not stop. Been dealing with it for over 30 years now. Just last week I began giving out yet another new phone number. So, there absolutely, without a doubt, be kickback when you enforce your boundaries. I can't thank you enough for you work, and sharing it here to help the masses.

Ditto on trying to beat the narcissist. It's not about beating them at all. It's about self-preservation. Why get on their level because that's what you will have done?

I'm about to lose a daughter who has developed her father's personality 'disorder'. I bent myself out of shape for 10 years before I finally left him. Now with my daughter turning 30 and punishing both her sister and I by playing us off against each other whilst being the 'poor victim' constantly, I can only think how much easier it was to leave my husband after 10 years (not easy, by the way - scary & very destructive on many levels) than it is to distance myself from my daughter of 30 years. 🙈 People say it is traumatic to lose a child that dies. It is much harder to lose a child (adult) when death is not the reason you are losing them.

The cat and mouse chase game has no end. Your video is very important to understand how assertiveness can help. Unfortunately to deal with a narc, you have to be fught / flight mode that ruins your physical health. Dig up the history of the narc childhood. Every person who made the narc feel unsecure, useless, crushed and a burden. Till those people are alive, around and involved in your life, the narc will still feel stuck in their childhood trauma. It is best to become aware of the horrifying things that were done to the narc so that you know what their extreme behaviors will end at. You can predict then how worse and treacherous even small incidents can turn into triggers. Talking loud, laughing with friends, feeling confident, giving an opinion, sharing and caring for kids, anything that shows your love for kids triggers their inner child trauma.

There is no ‘winning’ with a narcissist. Nothing bothered my sister except loss of control and gaining revenge. Getting away was the most important thing. Particularly once I had children that was it. I wasn’t going to have that in their lives. Being ‘ok’ with the rumours and smearing of me to extended family as a consequence, took time but has been worth it. Coming to accept that some family members bought into it was very painful but was the price of peace and it has been worth it. 🌸🌸🌸

“Thank you for your concern.” 🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆

Remembering that, "no" is a complete sentence.

It's a good advice to not tell anything to the narcissist but to tell it to ourselves while being dealing with narcissistic rage. To focus on something healthy (and true) actually helps not to feel overwhelm and completely absorbed in the narcissist's insanity and it's compatible with staying safe.

Thank you. This series is very helpful. Would you do a video or two about deflection. I think there is an art to it. Examples with additional scripted responses would be helpful.

Hi Darren, I had watched all of your 3 great videos, they are very thorough, thank you! I will leave the following observation and see if this helps someone: I found that what we do and how wisely we live behind our healthy boundaries do matter greatly! Inner strength and living a life we love is the most important part. Consistency, building and maintaining our own strength matters. The inner strength which comes from commonsensical living has to come first then wise, practical words will represent our best interests. Words are like an armour. If you are not fit to wear the powerful armour around your compassionate heart, or a protective helmet around your thoughts or let’s say you are not skilled at using a shield to protect your empathy or emotions, then you can’t use the whole armour effectively. Therefore it is best to have a basic, strong self respect, healthy identity which can empower our words and help us hold our position no matter what. Yes, there will be times when knowing certain words, phases are enough. But most often then not that inner power is more important than any words. Because we emanate what we know long before we actually put it into words. If our inner strength is strong then we radiate strength and our words are testifying to that strength. We can see this inner strength in you too Darren, and I think this is what makes your messages even more powerful.

You’re amazing. You literally quote my mum in your videos & whilst it’s shocking & upsetting to hear, I’m gradually learning through therapy & watching your videos how to protect and rebuild my self worth. No lie, I’ve never felt so lost, lonely & broken as its mum and my brother I’ve had to go no contact on.

Yes I also am in this situation and feel very lonely.😔

Thank you Darren. These videos are extremely helpful!

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ “You build on your successes every bit as much as you learn from your failures.” 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 Love the way you think, speak & phrase things - WITH SUCH EASE!

Love that I’ve found you, thank you so much 🦉🪶🌬️🤍🕊️🚀

God bless you. You’ve just saved my sanity 🙏😘

These 3 videos have been the most helpful advice I have ever received in dealing with my covert narcissist, but mine is very wounded and not vindictive. The suggestions were helpful in validating and honoring myself. Thank you so much sharing this information!

OMG, these examples of narcissists makes me think this guy has been watching my life. LOL So many examples exactly match my mother.

Some phrases my narcissistic X used that should have tipped me off. “Trigger… I hate that word” “I love material things” “I’m not afraid of anything”

They will outright slander you. Because I did not do as they demanded, they got into me contacts, sent messages accusing me if molesting my youngest daughter. They thought I had no contact with my youngest daughter. But they were wrong. My youngest daughter said this to me; "Dad, you should be more careful of who you chose as friends" by then she was 23 years old, but the damage to my reputation was huge, I just noticed my friends were no longer responding to my messages. Finally one of my friends told me about a message she received telling her I did this horrible things. 😔 How do you recover from that, other than just walk away, and I did exactly that. I have not looked back! That's how much damage a narsasis can do to you if you do not identify it in time. PS, they are Elders of Jehovah's Witnesses and my Xwife.

"Losing family." My youngest half-sister had issues with me keeping my distance from our father. Mind you this is the same half-sister who was told by our father on one occasion to "go to hell." I suppose she expects me to trauma bonded as she is, thinks that it's normal, and acceptable.

Thank you, Darren. This series has been particularly helpful to me with regard to dealing with the devaluing questions that often arise regarding simple actions or decisions.

This is an area I need to work on, most particularly on the workplace.

Great advice! Very useful❤thank you

"I dont think doing that for me in my best interest"...

Top quality advice.

Hello Darren, thank you for giving us tools how to deal with narcissist. Very useful. But sometimes I think about, how much time, energy, self-power, etc. is needed to deal with them. Such a waste of life energy.

Watching your videos over and over till I get it. Wonderful videos. I’m grateful. Thank you

Thank you for these invaluable tactics, especially the one about not owning any of their antics and letting them do their own work. Very empowering. My narcissistic future-ex has upped his number by rewriting events past and present. His paranoia is at its peak, his need for control overwhelming. I have worked very hard at being anti-fear but am once again experiencing strong feelings of being unsafe. Would you please consider making a video about how to ground oneself when threats become stronger? Thank you for everything you do

I think it`s no good to be ever afraid of narcissistic vindictivness. That just nourishing their Ego and helps win like their Ego thrive

You are spot on because I'm married to one. You are SO spot on.

Thank you for your clear and balanced counsel. ⚘

Darren! I really appreciate and enjoy your videos. The approach you use to explain the situations and provide solutions is awesome. You simplify these complex disorders to help almost anyone understand the problems we face with loved ones that have personality disorders. My current relationship with my fiancé is amazing in every aspect except her 28 yr old daughter is a real pain in the ass. She is definitely a narcissist+ sociopath +psychopath. I have done some considerable research on her and I’m confident she is antisocial personality disorder. The dynamics of this mother daughter relationship is very confusing as well. My fiancé denies, makes excuses, blatantly ignores the truth, condones her terrible behavior and then twists the blame onto me several times. I have been in a serious relationship with this woman for 3 years now and 90-95 percent of the time I am around her daughter she is miserable,sick,bitchy,needy,disrespectful and confrontational. It’s embarrassing as well. There are two situations that stand out the most. Once before when my fiancé mom passed away and recently when my fiancé grandmother (which she was very close to) passed away. I have noticed a pattern and when you mentioned how narc may react to vulnerability it makes complete sense. I have a question for you tho. Do you think the daughter gets enjoyment and somewhat makes her happy when she hurts her mother (the one person who loves her unconditionally)in her most vulnerable situation? I’m trying to understand the motivation behind this. I could go on and on but you’d probably have to start charging me an hourly fee.lol I have to give a shout out to my new favorite word I learned from your video. Waffling? I love it and I’m going to use it every chance I get. What country or origin are you from if you don’t mind me asking? I’m guessing Irish? Thank you @Darren F Magee for your work and Helping so many with the videos. God bless you my friend 💜

Thank you, I need advice with this. ASD. Narc equals massive sensory overload. Dysregulation, executive functioning turns to shit. Constructing thoughts into words becomes difficult, then voluntary mutism. Burnout. Cptsd. ARGH! 😤😵🤕

Brilliant!!!

I used to call out my undiagnosed Ex Borderline wife on every strategy she used to utilize to deflect or turn the table, gaslight... but It didn't help neither. You staying anyway, is the only response they need even if they see you picking up on their BS. The best solution, that I should've implemented, is to not participate. but it's a difficult decision. why? because when you do that, you understand that you are done with this person, that you are starting to undo your links with them.... what you unconsciously don't want. trying to prove them wrong, or point what's abnormal, is a way of trying to maintain the couple alive and give them an opportunity to change themselves if they want to.

I love your suggestions around questionning and how to respond. Also the point about poking at them is not a good idea!

Thank you for your advice

“I’m sorry you chose to remember it that way.” I have nothing against this response, except for the fact that this alone can be narcissistic. Like the term, “I’m sorry you chose to feel that way.” This is a term often used by narcissists because it projects the blame of what they’ve done or the perception of a situation onto the victim or target. This is why dealing with narcissists is so hard though and why I went no contact with my mother and sister. Now that my mother has passed, I have a smart relative who reminds me that I don’t have time for “Who struck John?” I’d be in an argument with my sister, until we are both dead. It would be a circular pattern of questioning who’s at most fault that mom died ever. The main reason mom died - is mom’s fault and is going after one another was exactly what she wanted during her life and after her death.

Thank you for a great video.

So insightful and helpful… 👌

Quite frankly BRILLIANT.

Thank you!!!

Brilliant 👏

I find boundaries critical for any type of relationship. I spent 9.5 years with a partner whose behavior seemed narcissistic. To my knowledge, they were never diagnosed, so all I have is my read of their behavior. All these videos are spot on. Boundaries, though, are not just for defense and protection. I found out one of my cousins, who is about the age of my children, had lost their parents. I'd never met them before. (Parents kept a later marriage secret.) Anyway, we consciously and mutually built healthy boundaries around a child-parent relationship. Now I have another child I am very proud of. I also have a great example of how to create and manage a healthy relationship by using boundaries. Thank you, Dr. Magee for what you're doing.

well done.

Thank you 🤗

Thank you for the practical empowering phrases. I will internalise them in hope to recall them at appropriate times. Hairbrush in hand 😊ready to practice on my own. I found these 3 videos especially useful.

thank you Darren. I use all the tactics you suggested. Also I am doing short time visits to my mom, that helps a lot.

Brilliant! I’m just at the stage of disengaging with a narcissistic family member where these phrases will help me SO much! Thank you!

Excellent video really helpful fr my situ thanks so much Darren 🙏

Your videos are extremely helpful. Much different from other videos online about the topic which implies battling the narcissist

I think ...the way u have dealt with the situation n persons with narcissm..is commendable...giiven me a lot to think about ...process..n understand..n implement..thank you

Very interesting and helpful! I have not seen this topic addressed this way, and with the focus on not antagonizing the narc because of the very real possibility of putting yourself in an unsafe situation. Even when not having or showing any antagonism toward them, i still felt unsafe, not just that they could do significant damage to my career (and they tried, turning supporters against me), but physically unsafe. I recall telling a friend that if something happened to me, it was probably not an accident. Although both people were highly narcissistic, one was on the malignant end of the scale, and her vindictiveness was extreme.

If I assert myself, usually by saying "Well, that's your problem" my narcissist will not allow me to say anything else. He does this by loudly talking over me in a very loud bullying voice. But I've come to a place where I don't care any more. He shouts all he wants and I just ignore him.

Thanks 😊

I wish I had your calm.... I wish I could turn emotions off....they try to crush your soul and heart, and when they can't, they try and crush the souls and hearts of the people you love the most, your children, it is very difficult to stay calm, even when you know they do these things to trigger reactions and tears and pain and stress and anxiety, and I agree, it is not about winning, just self preservation. He said: I don't want to talk to you because you always win.... Even though I say: it is not about winning, he won't accept that.

Thank you! 😊

Mr. Magee, thank you for all the genuinely helpful advice. It's a comfort listening to you. You had mentioned to make sure I am safe when setting boundary with vindictive people. Could you give some suggestions on how to do that? If I set boundary with this family member it would be a terrible shock and he would be very upset. I cannot cut off ties, and he didn't have open threats so I could not go to the police for protection and yet I still afraid from gut feeling?

Thank you Darren! “You may be right” is a reply I learned in Al-Anon when interacting with challenging people to prevent myself from getting caught up in insane conversations. What do you think of that reply?

This is all great information for business relationships as well. Bosses/clients who don’t respect boundaries can be impossible to work with and should be let go. Get a new job or fire the client. They will never stop acting like they own you.

Yes

When things get really ridiculous and toxic being yelled at by narcissists, I find it's really helpful to let it all wash by like I'm watching a TV show. It's easier to handle the rage and convoluted logic by thinking about what notes I'd give to the writer's room to fix the script.

Thank You for the powerful set of videos. I would appreciate some suggestions on how to respectfully decline the constant invitations to explain and justify my choices to my vulnerable when in defense or grandiose when in attack father.

Thank you, please can you give some specific methods for how to sidestep hounding and intrusive questioning or baiting? One strategy I was advised made the situation clear to me but possibly increased the danger. I was to imagine a tennis racket on my forehead with which to nod the verbal onslaught, like balls into an imaginary net between us. Every 3 minutes stating facts aloud (or silently); day , time, location, position, duration of onslaught and my response. This kept me calm and focussed to witness instead of panicking but his rage escalated out of control.

no consequences exist for cold hearted souls.

There is no getting even there is no payback with a narcissist the best you can do is disengage and distance yourself. Unfortunately when it's a family member it's a lot dicier. In my case it's a neighbor so I just choose to pretend there's a vacant lot there I don't acknowledge him I don't do anything I don't talk to him I don't try to make nice and I don't try to make peace.

Like that idea of trying not to hurt a narcissist basically produces not just the fear but walking on egg shells

it like are you in a good mood moment and for us unaware how to know to handle it.You are reluctant to be confronted by them. so then they say you are reclusive .But you are not at all. You are just being safe. Away from being made to feel in appropriate.,or a culprit you are no part of.

Hello, thanks for these informative videos. Could you make videos about adult seperation anxiety (and disorder) too please?? Thank you!

I've just discovered your expert analysis of the narcissist. Thank you so much - finally someone understands! However, I have a question. How does one handle the anger and hatred towards the abuser? I don't want to be a hater, but I feel myself becoming what I don't want to be. What makes someone become a narcissist, anyway? What went wrong?

I have been married to my husband for 36 years we don't fight often, but when we do it's always about the same thing, he violates my personal boundaries, which is this...grabbing and groping my breasts, crotch area, and butt. As soon as I walk in the house from work. No hello, how was your day. No assessing my mood/affect , or body language visually to see if I'm in a playful mood, just bam, bam, bam. And mind you this goes on throughout the day off and on everytime I pass by him, I'm not kidding. It annoys the HELL out of me, it's daily! One day I handed him his dinner, he took it them brushed his hands across my breasts. He even took a notion to coming up from behind and pulling my yoga pants down at one time. More than once, after asking him several times to stop, I don't like that. Never in front of our kids growing up though. But this behavior has been constant. I have yelled, cried, cussed him out, stopped talking to him for short periods of time, he stops for a bit then starts right back up. One day I was so fed up, I yelled stop it! He shot back.. "NO!" Our kinds are adults now, nothing has changed. He has even done this grabbing my breasts and crotch area outside on our deck. Which really pisses me off. I find it degrading! One time I was going away for the weekend and he felt me up on my breast at the train station, I was so embarrassed! My cousin seen him too, it was awful. This behavior is pervasive. So is his lack of sympathy, and empathy. When I ask him why he does this, he has no answer...ever! Often times I'm stonewalled, feeling even more angry because he will not communicate! When our kids were little I kicked him out for about 3 months, I was heartbroken at my kids being sad, not wanting daddy to leave and we got back together. He is a good dad. A hard worker. Neither one of us have ever had an affaire. I had one boyfriend besides my husband, that's it. I don't want to be with anyone else, honestly I'm too scared! Too many kooties out there! I just do not understand why he does this 'I work as a psychiatric technician, mostly with male patients, I get hit on a lot all day long then come home to this behavior. It makes me crazy! My husband has entitlement issues for sure, however his is not jealous, or grandiose. I don't know how to handle him anymore, I have all but given up. He won't change. I also have a HX of sexual assault, he knows this as well, but continues to violate my boundaries, it's just very hurtful. I try so hard to see his side, and why he thinks this is okay, but I cannot, because it's just not okay behavior. My husband is definitely emotionally slow, and lacks personal insite. . Thank you for this information. Melissa in Michigan