That’s totally me in a nutshell. I used to be very outgoing and didn’t care what people thought of me when I was younger. Then in adulthood, many negative experiences (embarrassment by others, betrayal by friends and family, being left out, prolonged exposure to people with narcissistic tendencies) caused me to withdraw. Now it’s at a point where I don’t even know how to be around people anymore. I constantly feel like I’m saying, doing or even wearing the wrong thing. I just don’t fit in anymore. The investment of time and effort that ends up in betrayal, disrespect or plain discard is just too much to handle.

Avoidant personality style = survival skill that I developed from the bullies/mean people

The problem: The anxiety is based on past experience. It's not always irrational.

Because of my fear of rejection, I tend to push others away and reject them before they get a chance to reject me.

I was bullied horribly in elementary and junior high school. Those bullies really destroyed my life and the way I feel about myself forever. I still hear their voices and see their faces and I'm in my 60's now! Why is our world so unkind and harsh? I have a MS in psychology and I'm an elementary school counselor, yet I struggle everyday with this.

This has ruined my life. My doctor misdiagnosed me to have social phobia and I didn't really get the proper help. In many years I've been isolating myself from people. It got so bad that I have painful fears just by thinking of getting a jobb. It hurts bc I do enjoy to be with people

1.Avoid larger group social activity. 2.Stick to social groups of people that they know will accept them. 3.They restrain themselves in intimate relationships due to fear of receiving negative judgment. 4.They ruminate about fear of criticism before a social event. 5.Feel inadequate in social situations.They become quiet. 6.Severe fear of embarrassment. 7.May "give in" in social situations rather than assert & properly protect themselves. 8.They hold themselves back from opportunities.

I've spent the best part of 37 years feeling this way. A day doesn't go by when it's not a problem. A strange thing I've noticed is that I find conversations with people at work somewhat doable IF it's about work (it also depends _who_ I'm talking to). Anything more personal and I clam up. Even saying good morning is difficult! Sometimes I just want to kill myself, but don't have the balls to do it. It's life consuming. Never been in an intimate relationship. No friends any more. And still living with parents.. at 37! 😰

Here’s an exercise: Look at every one you see, even strangers you don’t interact with and think to yourself, “What you think of me doesn’t matter. Only what I think of me matters and I get better every day.” Do it until you’re convinced. You may even try mentally going back to a time when childhood embarrassments happened and say, “I view this incident as an adult now and can see a higher truth to this.” ( find one and speak it) “I let go of this embarrassment and my soul is healed.”

I think this is me. I was bullied mercilessly both physically and verbally in elementary school to the point where I considered suicide. Kids would pretend to be my friend but then join in the bullying in a group. Often bullying would happen right in front of teachers and they would do nothing. My parents didn't seem to care either. That was the 80's for you. There have been other experiences in my life along the way where I don't feel like I'm ever part of the group. I don't trust that people really want me there. My husband, the love of my life, was a very social person and I felt like I belonged when I was with him. He gave me confidence. Since he died after a long horrible battle with ALS I feel lost. I do have a few close friends I can really talk to. I have been stepping out of my comfort zone but I really just want to stay home alone.

Thank you for using the term "asocial" instead of "antisocial". It burns me up when people are telling me that I'm being "anti-social." I immediately correct them. I'll say, "No. Not wanting to socialize is being _asocial._ Now, if I were to kick you in the shin for telling me I'm being anti-social, _then_ I would be 'anti-social.' Want a demonstration?"

My boyfriend is this. I'm one of the few people he trusts 100% and I advocate for him all the time, through seeing me stand up for him, he's learned over time, that he can do it too. He's slowly gaining more confidence. Speaking up, of course I'm always there backing him up. I'm a ride or die with him but it is hard dealing with this. I have my own issues as well....compounded with his, it's a lot. I love him though, so its worth it.

I have dealt with avoided personality since my earliest memories. From the time I was a child, I have been so afraid of being judged and found lacking. Not being pretty enough, not being smart enough, not being funny enough, etc. As a child, I was also hyperactive. My nerves would cause me to break out in hives quite often and it would happen in social situations especially. Back in the 60s, very few people even considered that children could have a mental disability. I am now almost 60 years old and go out socially only with my parents. When I am not at work, I seldom leave my apartment. I have never married because I self sabotaged all of my relationships before we got very serious. I have a niece that is now dealing with this and is being home schooled by my brother because she can't handle going to school. At least, they recognize she has problems and she is getting counseling. I hope so much she can avoid all of the pain and anguish that I have gone through all my life.

That fits me completely. I feel like a sixty-five year old child, afraid of the world.

This describes me so well. I'm 26 years old and I have absolutely no true friends, there are a few people I keep in touch with but I rarely talk to them and practically never share anything with them. I have never been in a romantic relationship before, I do get lonely sometimes so I use dating apps, but as soon as someone tries talking to me, I get scared and stop responding. I don't know if this could be related, but I have a unique first name that almost nobody pronounces correctly, but I NEVER correct anyone about it, I respond to any variation of my name because I think people might get annoyed trying to remember the right way to say it. When I was a little girl, I let my dance teacher call me by the wrong name for three years and she only learned my real name when another girl's mom told her.

I was nodding my head so hard to this. I remember as a kid thinking at parties that I would eat to look "normal" because I didn't know how to interact with the other kids.

I was diagnosed with Avoidant Personality disorder. I couldn't talk to people comfortably. I started drinking heavily when in social situations and it seemed to fix it. But then I drank too much. I have since stopped drinking but now live completely isolated outside of my two kids and wife. My wife has been amazing. She stuck by me through two institutionalizations. I still have anxiety when interacting with her though and am terrified of making her angry or even irritating her.

I have an Avoidant-Dependant Personality Disorder, along with Depression and ADHD. It's a real struggle. I've been getting a little bit better, but I still struggle with a lot of these things, such as advocating for myself and entering new and unfamiliar social situations. I also have a huge struggle with rejection. This list really did describe so many things I struggle with. I was bullied a lot by my peers, and had no friends when I was in the sixth grade, so I think a lot of it stems from that.

The problem is that a lot of the things you're afraid of being embarrassed about is valid. I've definitely stretched my comfort zone, in full awareness of doing so, and still got criticized or judged in some way, no matter how small. Because people know if you're stretching yourself or lacking confidence.

For example, they may do the following: They may refuse a promotion because they fear coworkers will criticize them.

I remember as a kid and young adult being surrounded by covert narcissistic people, emotional abuse from shameful parents and some physical abuse. This definition is accurate for my fearful avoidant tendencies

As a kid i developed avoidance personality, particularly talking to girls that I liked. 50 years later, after a lot of counscious effort, I feel much better. No regrets. There is always a light when one puts in the effort to improve.

It's not about the fears, it's because the social experience give too many unpleasant feelings because of anxiety. It's an unconscious response, we are not thinking "oh I'm afraid of being rejected"

“A person with avoidant personality disorder ain’t gonna do karaoke”….😂😂😂. True that. I believe this entire segment describes me. Too accurate. One of my best friends died, and her celebration of life is occurring as I write this. I couldn’t even bring myself to go. And I feel like a ginormous sh*t bag for not going and knew I would feel this way. YET, I still couldn’t bring myself to go. Anyway….

I don’t even talk to family. I wish I had someone to talk to though. When someone does talk to me I don’t want to talk to them. Seems my symptoms don’t fit avoidant or schizoid personality disorder. Guess I’m just super special then and not in a good way. The loneliness makes me feel dead inside and not care about anything.

I am shocked to see how many of these speak to me. I think it is down to my anxiety though as I love meeting new people, but always have in my mind the fear of people making fun of me, not liking me etc and it is actually worse with people I know as I don't want to be rejected from somebody, who already accepted me into their life. I do engage a lot with new people and speak a lot due to ADHD, so I forget these fears, but they always creep in every time I interrupt somebody or see I have been talking way too much about a specific topic. Even as an older child I was already very aware of embarrassing situations and even now I fear embarrassment in various situations. Always love watching medcircles and especially dr ramanis videos as

I never knew there was a name for this. I called it anxiety, I guess anxiety is just a sign. I’m dealing with this much better these days. The drinking for me was definitely a crutch and used to “loosen up”. I’m so happy that I recognized this and I can work on this.

I have vivid memories of being humiliated/judged. Even the idea of social interactions make me overthink and feel very self-conscious. As I grew up, I had more freedom and increasingly avoided social settings. Interactions in uni, especially during group work, were traumatizing. Since I keep to myself, people have gotten so mad at me for not talking much. When covid came, I felt so relieved that I didn't have to face people physically and could communicate online instead 🙃

This is me. I’m afraid of enmeshment and abandonment. And humiliated and embarrassed. Cause my parents abused me so bad I’m scared of people.

I've been a victim of some of these horrendous things. I'm only turned 56 now, been through certain types of bullying, sexual abuse by grandfather, recent narcissism from employers in the last few years. The latter since I was about 13/14. You can survive this, it's a long hard fight, through certain types of counselling. But when you stand up for yourself in your own discreet way, you're still declared the wrong one! BULLYING WILL HAVE ITS CONSEQUENSES one day. End of!!

I've been diagnosed with this. I think it stems from constant and severe bullying during my school years. It's tough... I'm in therapy, but yeah... it's still something I struggle with every day for 17 yrs now.

Seems like a painful existence, full of worry, and at the mercy of what they fear others’ opinions of them will be.

This is so me. I have the hardest time talking to strangers. It gives me the biggest anxiety. Very sad to be this way

I seriously need to get assessed for AVPD. Every point in this video is sadly, intensely true. It's been like this all my 30 years.

This is very interesting to listen to. I was diagnosed with APD last month and listening to explanations of this disorder has been very eye-opening to me and I feel more understood and seen than ever before. All my life I've been told that "nothing's gonna happen" or "you're overreacting to your irrational fear" but my APD didn't just manifest out of nothing. It's something that's been drilled into my brain as a kid/teenager. Whenever I was anxious about a social something, I was told "the worst thing they say is no". That is absolutely not true. "No" is not the worst answer or reaction I've gotten. I've been met with disgust and ridicule. Not just once or twice. That hurt. That stuck. That's hard to forget.

I haven't left the house without a carer for 12 years. My anxiety is through the roof. I also have severe depression and ptsd. I have tried everything going I just have no control of the anxiety, even when I tell myself I am safe. Full body shakes, palpitations, dry mouth, panic attack. imagine been told we cant help you.

Ive had a degree of this, which stemmed from prolonged bullying and racism as a child that was so severe it affected my social development. The difficulty is when you’ve experienced bullying or predatory behaviour in the past, you tend to become a magnet for bullies and predators in social groups - in the same way that people sexually abused as children tend to attract sexual predators in adulthood. This creates ongoing cumulative trauma that is added to whenever you try to integrate into a new social group.

I'm so glad you talked about this!my niece is 13, and a few yrs ago she started whispering, and now has every symptom that was mentioned, she can hardly go to school. She just started intense therapy, but I wonder why not one Dr, or therapist has mentioned this?! She suffers from this so bad she says she doesn't even want to be here anymore. I'm so thankful this was talked about!! 😰

pretty sure i have this, or at least i have the traits maybe from a neurodevelopmental cause. living this way literally feels like being mentally trapped in a cage. like i know there are jokes i want to make in a group, i want to sing at karaoke, i want to take on leadership roles at my job... but its as if something is paralyzing me and physically holding me back. its not always a conscious fear of criticism or embarrasment, it's usually quite repressed so we go through life not even understanding why we can't be as open and social as everyone else. it can feel like a curse sometimes. i;ve made huge improvements over the years, so i do think it's a treatable PD, but i still have a long way to go

This is me!!! I was terribly bullied as a child and although loved within the family there was quite a bit of ridicule went on within it. This has blighted my life to the point I have avoided decent jobs and friends. I only have one friend and I have known her since school and she is more like family. I only socialise with her and my children and no one else. I've never revealed anything of myself to any partner and my husband and I are virtual strangers. It's way too late for me to change now but it's interesting to know my condition has a name and a reason. I can't imagine being different or feeling differently but oh how I wish I did. I envy the easy way other people are and their easy interactions. I'm so bound up with anxiety and worthlessness that I can't even speak amongst strangers and if I ever do and manage to find something to say (rare!)I know it's so forced everyone can tell I don't fit in. So much wasted potential which is sad.

SO true! I’ve always been quiet and anxious, and people assume I’m incompetent. I’ve noticed at every job Ive had the people who are loud and competitive are always viewed as good at their job, while the quiet ones who prefer to not steal the spot light are viewed as stupid and treated like a child. Why is that?

Finally found what describes me best. I always knew it wasn't anxiety or anti social because I AM social and I don't suffer from anxiety so much that it completely takes over my life....this disorder is a bit of both.

As a child, my stepmother, sister and stepbrother would bully, shame and humiliate me. I became so scared of the negative attention that I stopped speaking around people. I'd let my stepmother and sister speak for me. I avoided being anywhere near my stepbrother. When we were out in public, people would say that I was shy. However, I really was terrified of getting made fun of in public. Also, I acquired a bad habit of apologizing all the time (I'd say, "I'm sorry" so many times it was embarrassing). When I got older, I'd avoid going out in public. I used to joke that I'd join a therapy group if it weren't for my avoidant personality disorder. Haha.

I love every single video you put out, whether it’s on MedCircle or on your own channel. I feel like I’ve learned sooo much. it’s so valuable to uncover and begin to finally understand the confusing/painful dynamics of all the relationships I’ve carried in this life. But this is a video I’ve been most excited about, because I feel this is something I may have. I just wanna feel free and create healthy and happy relationships. thank you for everything you do.

Thank you for explaining this Dr. Ramani. I have been diagnosed with APD, but I don't think it quite fits. I do avoid, but not for fear of rejection in the normal sense. I fear strong negative reactions. I'm a survivor of long-term narcissistic abuse. I also have issues with solid and certain decision making too.

Quite frankly , i don t mind being an avoidant anymore. i gave too many chances and the result people take advantage and trigger my cptsd ! so yes i prefer staying like this and focusing on myself. Enough being retraumatized !

Society is the sickness. People just try to survive this sick system. But we’re not ready for that talk!

One problem with the DSM is that it looks at these disorders as either unmitigated or mitigated in predictable ways. I am reminded of a quote by a friend "What doesn't kill you gives you a lot of weird coping mechanisms and a really dark sense of humor." How you have learned to cope, life path and a host of other issues impact outcomes. There are a lot of ways to be different.

In my childhood growing up it was very dysfunctional and stressful. There was alot of fighting, arguing etc. There was no peace. It was depressing. Wasnt taught how to communicate with ppl and was taught to leave school, drink, smoke, watch tv, be on goverment payments, not to work etc. Preety much be a hermit inside. As a way of escape i would take drugs and go to raves and it was then that i felt i could express myself with dancing and talking with people. After i quit drugs i had to quit the so called friends that i had and the scene and i just dont know how to be around ppl again. I just feel really awkward and try to avoid all birthdays and social settings. I feel like i need to drink in order to feel more able to talk with people otherwise i just feel judged cause i know i look as awkward as i feel to ppl around me. I have also been used alot in my life cause i wasnt taught how to be assertive but passive aggresive. I have changed alot since id moved out of home but to this day i still have crap coping mechanisms and ways of thinking. This is why its so important to have supportive and encouraging parents! If i ever become a parent i will be doing the total opposite of how i was raised. My kids will not suffer. Peace and love to all you out there in the comments section where you also have gone through some crazy things. I hope that you would find the inner happiness that you long for! 💙

I have 100% had this condition and still to this day am not fully comfortable in social situations, especially when people are there I don’t know. I have never been able to hold a job down, I couldn’t even go out and meet friends without having a lot to drink before hand just to boost my confidence levels, the list goes on and on. Luckily for me I’m no where near as bad as I once was but it literally was a prison sentence when I was at my worst and I often felt suicidal! My heart goes out to anyone suffering this condition and I know first hand that it does rule your life. I didn’t even know this was a condition until just stumbling over this video and I’m now going to research the shit out of it as I just thought I was an odd sort of person who just couldn’t interact even though I desperately wanted to but fear of embarrassment prevented me from doing so!

I have this. Enjoy social interactions a lot but anxiety prevents me from engaging. And I miss social interactions most of the time. Sometimes I wish I’d lose ability to feel anxiety altogether. It blocks so much potential.

i was just diagnosed with avpd, gad and mdd a few months ago. these videos are so insightful and helpful. i always thought i would never feel understood or never understand what was 'wrong' with me.

You’re awesome Dr. Ramani! Thanks!

Great explanation of treatment for this disorder. The source of this disorder may require grieving for the way you were raised. You could find out that you were abused but you never realized that it rose to the level of abuse.

Thanks Dr. Ramani. Based on this definition I would say I used to have this disorder. I still have some residual reactions but I feel more secure now.

I thought I had this, but then realized I only avoid narcissists. I enjoy the company of good people,in medium doses.

Last year my therapist told me I had this (I thought it was social anxiety) and therapy is working less slowly now that we know the truth. It gets better 💪🏻

This sounds like me. I remember feeling very anxious as a child when it came to class presentations or even participating in class. This followed me all the way to university. Making new friends has always been a challenge. I wonder how common it is for people with this personality type to get drawn into relationships with narcissistic people.

You just gave one of the best descriptions of an introvert I've ever heard. What we need to understand as a society is, don't shame the introvert, be friendly and don't reject. There are many leaders that are introverts. If there's one piece of advice about avoidant personalities and or introverts, don't tick them off, and why? If you don't know them, chances are you're not going to like the result whether it's going to be verbal or physical.

up until 5th grade i had no trouble socializing and making friends but then the bullying started and every person around me; friends and family even teachers started bullying me about my weight and appearance. i developed anxiety and i thought everyone around me was judging me no matter where i went. im in college now and i still feel the same way. i did an internship last year and it was so hard to even say goodmorning to my co workers. i thought i was gonna go crazy bc my family doesn't believe in therapy and there's no way for me to get any help other than venting to my 2 friends. but even they are sick of my shit and stopped listening. i don't like drinking that much but thats the only thing that helps me losen up to ppl and have a normal conversation. idk what I'll do once i graduate and have to start looking for jobs. it stresses me out everyday.

Nailed it! It sounds exactly like my youngest granddaughter. I never realized that there was a name for it. Thank you doctor.🙏🏻

Well. She just explained me perfectly. 😳

why is everything in this video so accurate and it was randomly just recommended in my youtube

I can do one on one, like a blind date. No anxiety at all. I can do standing on a stage and giving a lecture or a speech in front of hundreds of people. A tiny bit of anxiety but very normal and its gone the moment I start, because my brain is focused on what I’m doing, not what people are thinking. What I struggle with, is small groups. Get togethers. You know, the kind where people have fun? I get very defensive, or I shut down. I have been told so many times that I am cold, stoic, or after people get to know me......they explain that they found me intimidating at first. I’m 5’8” 165#. Nothing about my physical being screams intimidation at all. I have worked on this for over 20 adult years. I’m starting to accept that this is just who/how I am. I have PTSD since I was 15, though not diagnosed for a long time, as I was the victim of an unprovoked attack by a group of young men sending me to the hospital for a week. I’m grateful that I’m at least capable of intimacy with a single person. I still feel like I’m missing so much in my life though. I’m very close with my family. I have zero close male relationships. Lots of acquaintances, but nobody I would actually reach out to or try to make plans with. I’m a serial steady monogamous sexual partner type of guy. They often get frustrated by my lack of social circle outside of family and work people. I simply don’t trust any man besides my father. Before I was attacked, I was friends with everyone, played every organized sport, was voted class clown, and was class president. That single moment not only changed my life forever, but it somehow changed me. It was the death of my innocence. Finding out how cruel the world can be with first hand experience, can be rough. I’m literally down to experimental illicit drugs (ketamine/mdma) with a therapist. I just need to make the call and write the big check, and i’ve looked into jungle psychedelic (ayahuasca/peyote) experiences. I’m willing to try ANYTHING to change the way my brain sees that trauma, and uses it to keep me safe, but make me miserable. I have been a success in every way possible in life, but when it comes to people and relationships, I’m an abysmal failure.

There are people, like myself, who avoid others because they find them selfish, greedy, disrespectful, and frankly their relationships with others are a constant power struggle. Some of us avoid because it's just easier being alone. I don't care about being criticized, I avoid people because they're always trying to control me, tell me who to be, and they're always looking for ways to exploit me, like for money or because I can do something for them. It used to be you made friends because you liked someone, now you make friends with people because they have something you want them to give you. That's exploitative. It's easier being alone than to come across another person with the wrong values. You feel drained always giving to others and never getting anything back in return.

A lot of the anxiety they feel is due to a history of abuse. If your whole life is surrounded by mean people who are cruel, you will naturally learn to defend yourself. Not all of the world is fortunate enough to have loving family and friends. Is it a personality disorder? I dont think it is at all.

I was diagnosed with CPTSD after years of severe anxiety and avoiding most social situations..Like cinema, sports centres, shopping centres, public transport..shared public restrooms..and many others! Iwas never diagnosed with APD..The reaon I always had this issue is because I was targeted by people, from a young age for being ''GAY''...and a few other reasons..Having to justify your existence and be a target for violence or other forms of abuse can have a detremental affect on someone for life!

Thank you so much for sharing this video. I also have AvPD and I’m also an empath. I feel this disorder has sabotaged so much joy and professional growth. I’m constantly feeling I’m being judged and I’m a perfectionist to a T. I read someone call AVPD ‘shyness on steroids’. The thought of even asking out a girl I don’t know is terrifying cause of my fear of rejection. I put off getting help since my diagnosis but I’m at the point where I’ve completely lost hope. My thoughts are with you and I commend your bravery sharing your story.

This is so me. I didn't realise it was a personality disorder though, I just thought it was a lack of confidence and self esteem. OMG, I've just Googled it and it is in the DSM 5 ! I guess I've just established what has been wrong with me. Brought up by narcissistic Father and co-dependent Mother and then being married to a covert narcissist completely drained my identity / personality. Luckily I am two years into recovery from a lifetime of narcissistic abuse. At least I now know what other work I need to accomplish. It's a massive light bulb moment "Ah ha, that's what's wrong with me".

For me, it kind of relates to a fear that started in my school years when i would genuinely get bullied and isolated from my peers for my behavior. Post high school graduation, this issue is borderline irrational, but I personally still have a hard time getting past that. I think this is very very common because there was a lot more people that didn’t fit in as kids than we think.

I can't believe how much this hit the nail on the head for me.

I think this video was very accurate

Dr. Ramani . . .yes yes yes, Thank you for speaking to other topics other than narcissism. As such does not pertain to self. I am so thankful when you cover other areas thank you.

I know that this wasn't mentioned but I have started this strange behaviour of completely ignoring texts and calls from most of the people I know except my family and my partner. Few of these people even told me that I was being rude. But I didn't know what was happening and how to deal with it. I did try to actively work on it by engaging in conversations. But I am somehow finding myself going back to such behaviour. Also, I do think that I have some points that were mentioned in the video. Like avoiding large get togethers. Avoiding something that might grab attention to me. I have a very small group of friends but I sometimes do not wish to engage with them also. It's not like they are bad, I just don't feel like. It feels like so much responsibility sometimes, to talk to everyone, to reply back to everyone.

I am just gonna say this. When I was 25, I got into a car wreck. Long story short, became addicted to pain pills (Norco). I slowly went from 1 pill a day to 4 (prescribed) but I was taking a total of around 8 or 9 a day. I was DJing. Drinking. Cocaine. Ecstasy. And even dabbled in Meth (luckily only a few times and didn’t do needles). When I finally stopped taking pain pills, I realized I had an addictive personality. Anytime I find something I like or that makes me feel good, that’s all I want. I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and a spring of Bipolar. They looked at autism and even though I had some symptoms, not enough for a full blow diagnosis. I watched a video by Dr. Tracy Marks (I think that’s her name) and she did a video on AVPD and when I say I literally checked every box, I was shocked. Some of my main symptoms I have include I would rather be content than excited. Sitting at home and being comfortable in my own condo watching tv, eating snacks and playing my video games is something I would rather do than go away for a weekend and turn the excitement up to 100. I always read people the wrong way. I read what they say, but I also read there tone and body language. If they don’t seem to be in a good mood or just have a “positive vibe” in there tone or body language, I worry. I will ask them the same question over and over, sometimes will ask if they are upset or disappointed in me. Yes, these are my supervisors. I am obsessed with work. Money is great, but keeping my mind occupied and having a direction, purpose and a end goal just makes me seem productive. I work at a warehouse so I do the same things over and over and I like it. I get better at it and I am familiar with it. Sometimes there are surprises or a switch up to the schedule (but very rare). My environment at work is very similar to how I want to be outside of work. I use to be an extrovert. Always wanted to talk to people, meet new people, go out of town and not have plans and just go somewhere and whatever happens, happens. Mind you, I was smoking tobacco, drinking and partying, so I am sure that had something to do with it. But I loved being around people, engaging with others and just being “the guy”. Not necessarily center of attention, just wanted to meet as many people as I could (maybe it was FOMO). Now, like work, I like to be around people and have other people around, but I stay to my self. If I talk to people at work, it’s work related and if I talk to people outside of work, it’s usually for a purpose. I was dating a woman who was 5 years older than me and we met when I was partying. I was a different personality. She didn’t party much, but she loved to drink. She didn’t like me going out as much as I did and we argued, but she liked the outgoing me. We did stuff and went on trips. When I stopped doing those things, I stopped hanging out with her. I did love her and many times, would send her and her son money to do things because I just wanted to be in the comfort of my own home. My change in personality was the reason the relationship deteriorated and just fell apart. She was kind of toxic in the things she said or did, but my emotional and mental challenges are definitely the reason everything started to go down hill. I just know that I am very routine oriented and almost to the point of being out of control OCD (retracing walking steps, turn lights off and on, just repeat something I have done numerous times, etc. I am obsessed with my routine. I need it and if anything happens to mess it up (depending on what it is) can make me upset, angry and just throw me for a loop. I like to know what it is gonna happen next and that everything is going according to plan. I never comment or reply to anything on KZfaq (except for a few stuff here or there), but nothing on videos like this. This hits home and I just met someone who actually understands me and I am hoping it works out. I feel relieved there are people like me out there. I do stream but I tell everyone in my community to not Sub or donate. I do think gs for them all the time and love giving to the people in my community just for being there. They have seen me self destruct on stream, they have seen me put myself down and just the worst I could possibly get in front of audience, they have seen it. They know about thoughts wanting to end my life and that I hate my self (not necessarily I want to end my life but I just don’t want to feel that negative feeling I do at that given moment). They have stuck with me. I get maybe 30 views a stream and I am happy for everyone in my community. I work 60 hours/week at a warehouse so time and energy is rare, but i love where I am at in life. I would life to connect with some of you and introduce you to some people who struggle just like us. I promise I was not self promoting and I would never lie or deceit you guys. I just wanted to share what I have been dealing with and a little bit about my life. I would love to hear about everyone’s experiences. We can talk on any platforms you guys want. I look forward to connecting with you guys. Sorry for the poor grammar and punctuation. It’s 11 pm and I have to wake up at 4 am for work. Love ya guys If you want to connect, just google search my KZfaq name and I’ll pop up. Later

Thank you for this information..helps with feeling validated

I want to add Procrastination to One's Own Detriment because of the anxiety any risk brings up.

Also, the toxic social dynamics in some school systems teaches vulnerable students that if you stick your neck out in any way, the bullies are going to verbally and socially chop it off for you. Over and over, and over and over again :(

I was born this way. So much fear of strangers i felt like a deer stuck in fight or flight mode running away at the slightest distubance. Always on guard looking for a threat to escape from. Emotionlly exhausted drained from the constant adrenaline spikes. The only way to keep from draining yourself is by avoiding stressors and so you avoid so much that you get depressed because you avoided so much just for a liitle peace and calm to feel safe. I think we are missing or over producing a chemical like adreline, cortisol which causes to run in fear of everything. I was not abused but my dad was narcisstic and later was diagnosed with bipolar. He was scary at tikes like he was battleing a demon inside. He could be funny and a good dad but then he would have his demon battle and would go crazy but i thought i had a good childhood and a wonderful mother. I had an uncle that was like me and i have a sister like me so i think its passed down and inherited. I just know it makes you a loner and your fatigued from all the imagined fear.

Thank you so much!! This free offering of information has helped me right away !

I cannot believe this 53 years old and I am just now learning this is me 100% I have always wanted to know what was wrong with me and this is me down to a tee ,I have so much more to say I'm from Sydney Australia is there anyone I can talk to about this I feel the most part of my life is over and now I discover there is and was a reason for my behavior, please help please

I think I have always been like this. In elementary school I always had bad anxiety during the "unstructured" school time like recess, lunch and the occasional free time in the classroom. This is when you were almost forced into social interaction. Recently I lost a lot of weight (80 pounds) and one of the things I didn't expect is how differently people treat me, with respect to strangers just starting up conversations with me. I never expected this at all. It never used to happen when my waist was 44 inches! So it's kind of stressful to be in so many more daily social interactions than I used to have, but I'm getting used to it. I'm probably a better person for it too.

I am 64 years old and I have been struggling with having an avoidant personality all of my life. I am not able to socialize in a healthy manner and when I feel hurt or disrespected I run. I also live a isolated life, I take car of my mom, I still wear mask, so I always feel like here she comes intruding on our free space with her mask, except at the grocery store. I also have health issues as a result of sexual engagements, so I feel extremely sad that my romantic life is over and when I am around couples, I feel my depression setting in. I fear rejection, but my problem has been sharing too openly when I have felt like the pain of my life was killing me. However, no, I am choosing to change that because people use what I tell them to put me down and call me weak. I have been in therapy for 37 years if not more. Learning about the diagnosis is one thing but putting it into practical application is another. I feel stuck, broken, sad, and unloved.

This one ticks so many boxes for me. So helpful. Thank you.

Is it possible that people with this disorder will consciously, or unconsciously, be rude, or even embarrassingly goofy to their family’s friends in the hopes that the friends will stop coming over?

I really enjoyed this video, and found it very interesting. I personally find that the fear of being perceived and found wanting gives me severe anxiety when interacting with work friends and family (past generic, shallow everyday catching up/chit chat). I obsess and pick apart what I said afterwards if I got overinvolved in the conversation and gave too much away, and this leaves me with a lot of regret, and dreading having to face them again, wondering if I should apologise or try to act more normal in future. But I really enjoy having more involved conversations (and sometimes oversharing) with strangers, because I don't fear the repercussions of that as much - I will probably never see them again! Even if they do think I'm odd or awkward I would not have to anticipate an uncomfortable follow meeting with them afterwards. Its freeing.

Im so grateful to have found you and your channel

the way she got me in every point, clearly this vid didn't appear in my recommendations by accident.

Let me add an alternative motivation. Take a person who has been shamed, ridiculed, hit, betrayed, used as a scapegoat all their life. That person may create an inner space that they go to to tune the rest of the world out. Yes, fear started this process initially, but now this inner space is the only safe place that they have. To even watch a movie or do some other pleasurable action causes so much anxiety as to stop the person from those activities. Alcohol and drugs just make this inner space seem more of a preference than outside activities. But even without alcohol and drugs this place is so much better than the alternative! To be forced out of this space causes so much anxiety and terror that leaving it rarely happens, even if the physical body goes to these outside activities. If this situation started at a very early age and continued into adulthood, then there is little hope for change.

Is there a possibility of mixed attachment styles? For instance: anxious + avoidant. Would love to receive your feedback, Dr Ramani. And thank you for all the work you have been doing.

Not everyone wants to be the life of the party; Some people just don't like crowds and prefer a one to one friendship. I've always been shy and introverted, and I'm fine with this.

I couldn't even go to a job interview, let alone get a job. Every interaction that has risk of rejection, embarrassment, mistakes is avoided. That feeling of being taken advantage of and going along with things that are bad for you further reinforces your avoidance. I think that's partially why I'm also dependent personality. You feel like you're unable to advocate for yourself and therefore cannot protect yourself. Every single social interaction I have no matter how brief is ruminated over and evaluated. Often times it's self criticism for not saying anything or being able to be friendly when you wanted to or that the tone you said something in didn't convey enough sincerity or that you stuttered or couldn't clear your throat or you said something that didn't make sense. It's like living with a bully inside your head that you can never get away from. Every girl in grade school that expressed interest in me I shied away from. And a few of them were very forward and frustrated. It's like you never learn how to let people in or how to get them to let you in. Even if you're lucky enough to have the chance, when people try to get closer to you you sabotage it. And so your life is filled with aquaintences and imaginary lives you never got to live.

How about avoidant personality disorder while trying to heal from CPTSD from narcissistic abuse? It gets real lonely or real anxious lol what to do...

as a pedophile victim from 7-12 years old. it took toll on me as an adult. i strived perfection, wanted always be on top of my game. graduated top from class from grade school to med school and even top d medical board but still aint enough. i cannot advocate my self for promotion at work, i do avoid social groups and night outs - stressing me out thinking i might do somethign stupid and get rejected in d end. in as much as i want to attend events as i like fashion, i keep my dream outfits for my own consumption, i try to stay low key so i wont get noticed if out on public. i want to have relationship but i keep pushing away my suitors. something is off about myself. i want to be my own self without fear of being rejected and act naturally wihtout ruminating on things. all i want is to be accepted without d anxiety and paranoia of rejection. im already 35 years old and still prefer flings over commitments.

This has been me for my entire life so far...I started going to therapy now, at 23. Fingers crossed!

Thanks for this info Dr. Romani. My son's father must be avoidant...he doesn't ever want to go anywhere, he will spend weeks dreading a certain event/holiday/etc. He tells me I give him anxiety. In the past lots of things gave me anxiety, but I slowly unpacked why that was & worked through it with different books & techniques.

Avoidant personality disorder is the exact same thing as low self esteem. Late in life I realized that I have little self esteem and what you describe is just that. My self esteem was destroyed early in life so I've just had to learn to live with it.

Something about me is I just rarely, very rarely actually feel lonely. So, I end up finding it very difficult to push myself to engage socially most of the time since I'm so absolutely fine with just being alone so it's like, why bother?

I was diagnosed as having a Border line personality disorder. This nearly fully describes my thinking and behaviors. Life seems to fly so fast, I miss family occasions I stopped socializing or getting into social situations tho i was not introvert, these behaviors persist and ways of thinking. It's so hard to break from this way.

I have never heard of this before, but this is 100% me. Think you may have changed my life. Thank you.