“I’m not sure what’s gay and what’s not” Girl same 😂 I look back over my life and I’m like is this a gay thing or was I just weird?

Internalized homophobia is so realll! Thank you so much for sharing your story!!

The most difficult thing about coming out is coming out to yourself. It takes much longer for gay women especially because of many factors such as society (the mans pleasure is the main focus) etc. What helped me most was just start dating (not too serious) and at some point I met someone that was good enough and helped me come to terms with who I am 😁

I finally “figured out” I was gay a few days ago. I’ve been crying so much since then, and I’m crying right now. This video is so comforting, because everything you said, I was nodding my head. I needed this so much. Thank you, kind soul.

I see so much of myself in your story Courtney. From messing around with girls as a kid and then stopping altogether once I got rejected, to being so tied up to one best girl friend in high school, to having crushes on more feminine guys. I'm 27 now and it took me 24 years of my life to come out. It was so hard at first because I didn't feel "gay enough", which sounds crazy looking back on it. I am feminine and had always dated guys. Feelings towards girls were far too intense, they made me want to run for my life lol. Today I'm much more comfortable with my sexuality and am proud of who I am, although it's an ongoing journey. I smiled all the way through your video because it really hit home. Greetings from Belgium xx

I’m also terrified of dating women and I couldn’t put my finger on why until you said you’re scared of really falling in love. Intimacy has always scared me because I feel so deeply (which is why I could trick myself into loving men but something was missing) and when I lose people, it devastates me. I don’t know what my future dating life looks like but I’m scared and excited.

"I had a crush on the gay one. Of course!" 😂

Your video made it to the right person 😂 thank you for validating how confusing it is to have come out and to feel so sure that you ARE in-fact gay, yet unsure at the same time??? Ugh I totally get it. Im also in my late 20’s, and feel like I want to date, but still think about my ex sometimes. I’ve done so much healing work on myself, yet I’m still working on the self love part and knowing my worth. It’s a process for sureeee

The part about your childhood experiences and "fooling around", and having close girl friends, has validated all of my childhood memories, because I could relate to every single word you said.

I relate to so much of this Courtney. Thank you for making this video and validating so many of my feelings! Im 30 and only just realised, despite having so many crushes on girls. Going to pride every year when I was younger. Having had many many unsatisfying relationships and flings with men, one after the other from the age of 18. Having panic attacks when there was a hint of moving onto the next stage. Im currently in a 5 year live-in relationship with my boyfriend which is having to end. I really relate to so much of this, especially with the codependency and how my huge lack of selflove has stopped me from living authentically. I hope you share more of your journey. ❤

Omg thank you, I’m just realizing this and I’m going to be 39 this summer, I have two beautiful kids I was married for 14 years and it was hell. But everything you are saying is how I feel. Thanks I’m not alone

I’m so glad I ran across your video. It is exactly how I feel about my sexuality and coming out at a later age (30) and still not knowing 100% but everyday we continue to learn more about ourselves and that’s all that matters. Compulsory heterosexuality sure played a role in why it took me long to accept myself as gay. You really don’t know how this helps until it does. Thank you!

I relate to this video so hard. I'm 27 and sobbing. Thank you love for sharing your story and giving me this safe space.

THANK YOU FOR SHARING! I have recently had that same spiritual awakening and ended a 4 year relationship with my male partner. SO MANY EMOTIONS! Your story really resonated with me so thank you so much.

This is amazing, I really appreciate how honest and raw you are about your journey. Even now I have friends who question my identity as a lesbian because I’ve mentioned men that I think are good looking (like I’m gay not blind guys lol) and because I’ve dated men in the past. It’s so difficult but at the same time I understand how confusing it can be for others, not just myself! I wish you all the best as you learn more about yourself 💖

the most important/comforting thing to me is that, in the end, we are all fucking valid. much love to everyone here, you are NOT alone!

Thank you so much for sharing this at a time when you have found a label but are still struggling with questioning and the growing pains of discovering yourself. I am currently out as bi and questioning whether that's really the way I would honestly describe myself and it is so comforting to see some of my own unsureness and worries reflected in another person.

I had a similar experience with a teacher when I was 12. I didn't really know that I was gay at the time, but I was starting to realize the possibility. Then a teacher (not even my own teacher, but I think he was friends with my homeroom teacher and he stopped by or something) told our class that 1 in 30 people is gay, "so that means at least one of you here is". I remember sitting in the back of the room and thinking to myself "that's not me, that's not me". And then I have a memory that must have been shortly after, panicking about being gay and telling myself that I don't have to be if I didn't want to. And that's when I buried it somewhere very deep and forgot about it till I was 22... Now I also know why I hated that teacher afterwards while everyone else seemed to like him so much

thank you so much for making me, and others, feel accepted and loved on our journey of figuring out our sexuality. it is often really overwhelming because our society expects everyone to be straight. I’m still figuring out my sexuality, but feel like I’m starting to get more comfortable with who I like and all of that

Thank you for this video and being vulnerable. I feel like people only share their story when they have fully accepted themselves and make it seem more simple than it is. I have been out for over 2 years now and feel more validated every day but I still hesitate to use the label 'lesbian' because of the 'what ifs' or feeling dishonest somehow despite feeling 0 attraction to men or have any desire to date men and feeling so much attraction and love for women. I really resonated with the sentence 'what if i'm wrong'. That feeling has lessened for me but it was a big one earlier on in my journey when i first came out as bisexual but I think you have to trust yourself and be okay with potentially being wrong but doing what feels right now

Thank you so much for sharing this. I am recently coming to terms with a lot of new feelings and that I am bisexual, and so much of what you said resonates with me. This is so scary and different but your story really helped ground me.

You’re amazing!! Thank you for sharing your story. Everything you said deeply resonated with me. Sending you light and love upon your journey.

oof. i’m 26 and this is so eerily similar to my experience. i’m excited to now watch your update video... so glad i found your channel! thanks for sharing your story.

OMG! I had the SAME experience...also had my spiritual awakening for that reason and WHAT A RELIEF! Still struggling to accept myself as a gay woman... I'm 28 years too.

Thank you so much for sharing your honesty and vulnerability. Thank you for posting a video like this. It’s been healing and inspirational for me to watch. 🖤

omg!! yes, so much is the same for me! it's tough when you are struggling with your own internal homophobia and also wondering if you are completely gay. girl I am proud of you!! thank you so much for sharing!

Your video validated so many feelings for me. I am 30 and recently discovered that I am gay as well. I haven’t come out yet and it’s a bit difficult since I have 3 kids and have been married. Thank you for posting! It has really helped me!

Going through something similar... Thank you so much for sharing! It is super helpful. Now, to gather the courage and tell my SO 🥲

Thank you so much for making this video. I related to so many things you said! I used the label of bisexual for a few years but only ever dated men. Im 27 and after my last serious relationship ended recently it has been a real turning point for me exploring my attraction to women. I am excited but also TERRIFIED about dating women for the first time as the feels just hit different and it requires a whole new level of introspection and vulnerability. Thank you again for making me feel less alone.

Yup, that's me and I am still in the five year relationship and have no idea what to do... but thank you for this video. It really does help

Thanks for sharing your experience! My “best friend” at the time who was bi, invalidated me completely everytime i would talk about my attraction to girls , and when i finally started dating a women she got so mad and cut off out friendship. Also when i broke up with the woman i was dating, she also invalidated me saying i was straight! I know my truth but in the journey after the pain of comphet, it really hurts being invalidated with ppl who are also queer and are supposed to support me. I felt and still feel so alone sometimes. Im still queer and feel nothing towards men but sometimes i question if i might be bi , or is it comphet?? Still have religious trauma. I validate u!! Thank u for making me feel validated too

oohhhhh this resonated with me so much. Just ended a relationship with my male partner of 3.5 years. thought i was gonna marry him, but something was missing. i'm so scared and excited about all of this. It's so much. thanks for sharing, i'm glad you were able to share this with us. When you said "i don't want to meet and guy and be wrong" oof i feel that. i'm not sure what i am, and that's the scariest and most exciting thing.

Relating to so much of this! Thankyou for sharing your story!

Thank you SO much, Courtney!!💓 This video literally made me cry since it's the first one I can really relate to.. (And believe me- I've seen them all😅) I wish you all the best 🌻

Thank you so much for sharing this. Our stories sound so similar it’s kinda crazy. I was in a 4 year relationship with a guy and my deeper spiritual awakening kind of made me realize I might not be just bisexual. I’ve actually questioned if I was bisexual or gay since I was 12 but always thought... no I can’t be gay. I’ve had crushes on boys. I’m now 28 and I look back and realize the signs were there. I’m scared to come out because what if I find a man that I do fall in love with and want to marry and I’ve boxed myself in as a lesbian? But the idea of being with a guy doesn’t sound right to me anymore. It’s been really hard and confusing because I realized I have internalized homophobia that I’m still working on. I’ve been watching coming out stories on KZfaq and yours really resonated with me. You’re amazing for loving yourself enough to be honest with yourself about who you are. Thank you so so much for sharing 💗🤍✨🌈

I really appreciate your honesty and vulnerability, thank you!

Omggg Courtney!!! 😭😭😭 I definitely needed this. Sexuality is so confusing and it’s ok to still be figuring it out. Your openness is so beautiful!! ❤️

Thank you for you honesty. It's like you're telling my story 🙈🙈 thank you sooo much for sharing this ❤

I just ended an almost 7-year relationship with a man because I couldn't stop those voices in my head... screaming at me to listen to them. I'm 27 btw. I too watched that video by Alayna and resonated with that SO much. I would watch other videos and other gay-related movies and cry when the main character finally got to say/live their truth. I hurt so much for myself. I also hurt for my boyfriend who was so in love with me, but I couldn't fulfill him the way he deserved. Mentally/emotionally or physically. I too have been out as bisexual, but as you said "I don't see myself marrying a man." I've always told myself I saw my future with a woman. I think I might be gay too.. but something I need to figure out as well. Thank you so much for this video...PS you're so beautiful.

wow, I can really relate to how you were feeling here and the process you were in

Thank you so much for this video

I'm late here but congrats on the nerve to make this video. Couldn't have been easy. ♥

I am your 818th subscriber =D I am so excited because I can relate to so many different parts of your story. Also I think you are gorgeous!

I just finished this video of yours and as a dad of 3 kids ( 16-20 of age ) I do feel like giving you a "healing" hug, just showing you don't have to be in this alone!

This video got to the right person. When you started saying what you’re terrified about, that really resonated with me. I’m right there with you girl. And I’m almost 31. Still haven’t dated or even kissed a girl yet. Maybe some day.

Wow I'm impressed with how much I relate to your journey 🥺❤️ thanks for sharing it 🏳️‍🌈

This is a little too spot on for me.. I'm just getting out of a almost 4 year relationship with a man, he's my Bestfriend but I realized that im actually gay. I've been out of as bi for a long time but I always felt that something is missing feeling with him and every man I've been with.I definitely feel like I'm in spiritual awakening. Thank you for making this video

Don't put pressure on your self discovery. I have just finally come to terms with being a lesbian, I'm turning 30 in a few months. I'm at a place now where I cannot believe how long it took me to figure this out/accept this. It's so obvious now that I'm comfortable with it. It's just who I am and everything makes sense now. There are levels to accepting who you are. I don't know why that is, but I was true for me. Even years ago I had inklings, but I was uncomfortable about it and not ready to embrace it. Then I was at a stage were I was saying "I'm gay, I think", because I wasn't sure in myself. But it all unfolded in it's own time, that's the frustrating thing about it. I would look up quizzes and video on "am I gay", etc, to mentally diagnose myself! But now it's just a huge relief that I'm gay and I don't ever have to force myself to say men again or fit into that box that was suffocating me and making me feel like a failure on so many levels. I'm just ranting now but all this to say that I can relate and maybe we should all do way more PDA an be proud when we have girlfriends so that the next generation of lesbian girls actually views an alternative to heterosexuality out in the world, so she sees something she can relate to and give context for her feelings.

I resonated with everything you said. Thank you so so much for making this

Can't think of much else to add right now other than thank you ❤️

Thank you so much being so honest and vulnerable with us sharing your story

Thank you for this. Especially all the crying because MEE TOO

Thank you for sharing your story!

I give you a lot of credit for coming out! I'm not gay, I'm straight. But I have some friends who are gay, and I love them for who they are as a person! I worked hard to not judge a person by their sexuality choice. Last year I even ran a 5k Pride Race! I was proud to support the program while running the Race! Keep being yourself!

Congratulations! ❤🎉

I needed this 🧡

Wow I literally just did the same thing, end a four year relationship and came out to my boyfriend.. maybe I’ll skip the dating part because I’m trying rly hard to prioritize myself and get myself to a happy place and “do me” before getting into anything serious again.

Aww so relatable! I’m 29 and still have no clue but I know I don’t think about men at all. When I had boyfriends I didn’t really want to kiss or do anything else. I have been single for 5ish years now and I’m ok with that. You are beautiful and I hope you find your peace with your ex. Girl I hope we both get our happily ever after. 💕

Oh my gosh I’m going through the exact same thing now!!

i feel you and your situation reaches me. ill be 50 next year and cannot wait for a first real relationship. But, like you, its frightening indeed... yep that feeling of you know but you cant at the same time... but both finally would work out but one more than the other... so in the mean time, better of staying alone and be proud and happy by ourselves, that way it would be more attractive for a potential match to fall for the you that is free and in love with is own self. 🤝🌈🎖☀ wish us luck !!!

Thanks for sharing Courtey hang in there

omg... why did I relate to this so much? I'm married to a man and he's my best friend and he knows I think I'm gay, but he doesn't believe me. A lot of my friends think I'm just bi but I know deep in my heart I'm gay.

Love the video! But I also have to say, your voice sounds just like Becky from the try guys! Hahah

I had the same childhood thing with only having one girl best friend at a time and they were my everything and I would get so so jealous of their other girlfriends cuz I wanted to be their only friend 😳😬

I feel you!

Thank you for sharing

This is such a powerful video and is so similar to what i am going/went through. I think a lot of women force themselves into labels, especially being lesbian when they are trying to escape the straight world, and the pressures from men. but in truth you dont have to force yourself into a label. Also there's a difference between romantic interest and sexual interest. Check out the video on my channel called "Sexuality Is Different From Romantic Interest - Here's Why" Not that you have to pick one, but the fact that one is able to have sexual relations with the opposite sex, tells me they arent completely homosexual (Yes sexuality/romantic interest is fluid and can change depending on what season you're in in your life, but changes are typically between 1 and 2 points on the scale, not much more drastic than that) Also just because your homosexualy doesnt mean you cant be bi-romantic. and as the kinsey scale measures sexuality, you can also use it to measure romantic interest. and yes the two can be different. i.e. you can be a 4 sexually and a 6 romantically. i even have a friend thats a 5 sexually and a 2 romantically, which is probably why he's still single. he's a walking contradiction. it's all very interesting.

So I had crushes on 3 men who turned out to be gay 🤔 With a man for almost 11 yrs. Came out as bi during these years. Never able to get the validation( not that you need it) still questioning if im actually just gay.

Woah. The internal homophobia thing is so relatable. I did not know I am gynosexual, attracted to feminine presentation, and aesthetically attracted to feminine man. So I was so confuse. So I came out as bisexual. I have a guy friend, he felt relieved when I came out as bisexual, he's like "atleast I can still be in your radar". After long self reflection, I came out to myself as "gay". I think the hardest part is coming out to him, he was in denial, he's like "No you cant be gay", I think even now?! and its been two years. To be honest, I want to feel something more for him and I really tried because he deserves it. All the love and care he gave to me is what I wanted, but I dont know it just does not feel right, something is missing. Everytime I close my eyes and see my future, my family, I can only see it with a woman, I have this desire to spend the rest of my life in the arms of a woman. I have not dated anyone since I came out. I dont know, maybe part of me has not yet accepted the fact that I am gay?! 😑 Anyway, thanks for sharing your story. Wish you all the best ❤

It’s easy to accept you’re into women, it’s much harder to accept you’re not into men

Thank you for your courage in sharing your story 💕

thank you for sharing

Dude- fuck labels. Just continue to be yourself. As someone who has been in CODA for a year, all I can say is, "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Big hug. I've been out since I was 17, I am 39 now. I have yet to date anyone. We all have our struggles. 😘

Not related but frick you're beautiful 😭

This is my life right now

I know what you are going through. 13 years ago I realized I liked girls when a coworker started at the supermarket I was working at. She took my breath away and after that I had a meltdown. I cried and cried and freaked out. I didn't take this well and it was a low point for me. I was 42 years old at the time and my son was 14 years old. I did tell my parents, brother/sister-in-law and son. They have totally supported me this whole time. Nothing happened and I didn't tell her because she was straight. So for the last 13 years I didn't do anything about my feelings. I just as soon stay single than deal with my feelings. Fast forward to a month ago in September and a customer walked into the gas station that I work at and she literally took my breath away. For the first time I felt good about my feelings and it felt right. Last weekend, I make a post on my Facebook page and came out to the rest of my family and friends. I have received nothing but totally support from everyone. For the first time I feel good about my self and who I am. I look forward to what the future brings to me and I also look forward to meeting someone I can spend my life with. Side note: I was in the Navy for 20 years and retired in 2005 when you still couldn't come out that you were gay/lesbian. So, I think that had a lot to do with why I had a hard time in the beginning.

This was a very beautiful video. Hope you are doing well almost a year after this

So yes to the part about being attracted to feminine men whenever you were attracted.

one of the questions I hate is (How do You know?) my answer it has always been I am 34 I was 32 when I came out though kissed a "friend" that happens to be a girl and i like it (i was stunned at that kiss that when she asked me if i liked it i just bobbed my head gently to a yes, i could not even speak)

Your feelings after coming out is so similar to mine. We share the same fears and reservations. I know I like women only (see still afraid to use the word lesbian openly) but I know that's what I'm attracted . I'm attracted to women and quite a few have shown me that they are attracted to me and even then I still am unsure that I'm making the right choice, why am I 29 and still figuring this out? It's hard to come out later in life I also feel werid around straight women because I just feel like I have a lesbian stamp on my forehead, I will never impose on them but I still feel uncomfortable. I know we will find it within ourselves to not constantly doubt ourselves.

Yeah , so I had extreme biphobia growing up . I thought my attraction to women was just something that women go through when there young before settling down and getting married to a man . I dated men through high school and university . I had an amazing girlfriend when I was 22 we were together 2 years but I ended because I was embarrassed at her being a woman . Then I met my husband and we have an amazing relationship . About a year ago my ex girlfriend came back into my life ,and we rekindled our relationship . My husband knew about us from the start , she lives with us now and I am never letting her go again .

Just broke up with my sons father, I’m crying it’s been so freeing and hard. Omg This whole video I understood. I don’t need men anymore!

I remember as I came out in school...(; At the beginning of puberty I start like girls in a romanticaly way and my first crush on a girl changed everything... In school time I only dated men and it feels like I spend time with my brother^^ Later I had a crush on a very close friend she was really pretty had short hair and her smile could change everything... She holds my hand everytime cuddles a lot and I liked it My feelings were intense and I couldn't deal with them at first... She send text messages and started flirting and confessing her feelings for me I said to her that I didn't feel the same and I regret it... She was sad I was sad too. 2/3 weeks later I told her that I liked her too but she did the same I did with her and she ignores me Now I could feel how she was feeling and it really hurts:( So I think I could speak to another close friend called "Anna" her reaction was unsupportive and she said to me "You're disgusting" and spit me in my face... All the people I used to call my"friends" turned away from me and never talked to me for a long time... Later I said it was just a phase and then they started to talk to me again but it wasn't me Later I said I was a lesbian it gets better and I was more open minded about my sexuality I hope you could have a better coming out and sorry for my poor english it's not my mother tongue^^

My sister's daughter came out when she was a senior in high school. She had been having problems with her parents, unrelated to this issue. She had several girlfriends, but none were lasting. In college, she dated a few men, without sex. By the time she was a senior in college, she developed a crush on her English Lit. Professor. They got married. His wife had died, and he had a little girl to raise. My niece had always wanted to be a mother. She and her husband had a little boy. Then they had about four years of great chaos and misery. My niece felt guilty for "trapping" her professor, when she didn't feel fully straight by any means. They moved to British Columbia. (from California) He is now 45, and she is 30. My sister doesn't bring up the situation, and I don't pry. I did get a Christmas card with them and the children, but my niece looked terrible, very pale, somewhat anorexic, and not smiling. I hope she gets a good mental health doctor to help her out.

actually I just want to say this for everybody before I ever even figured to label myself as anything and I'm still questioning Rocky horror picture show when things open back up is the most fun and you get such an open crowd of people.also yes I'm older 35 and have children and my daughter's dad said the same thing I said I think I'm gay he said no you're not I'm also very feminine looking I do think it's a blow to their ego

I knew I liked girls when I was 5 years old. So I knew I was gay when I was 5 years. Im Asian and I’m 40 years old now. Thank you for sharing. T-Rex from Dallas.

well ty for that i came out four yrs ago after being married and two kids estranged but i feel better being whoi i am now also i fall ito the more fem anyway just saying but ty for your bravery

thank u

I have a freaking rainbow painted on my wall in my bedroom. I should have known at 5. 😉 😂

You have to go with what your heart says I'm scared to

Cool :) .... Thanks for sharing !!!

this story sounds very similar to my experience LMAO

I'm a guy who was always curious I thought, then got older and knew I was different, it got to the point a girlfriend actually out of the blue, asks me are u gay? I then got scared and still am.

You are soooo brave girl,,, I'm not homo sexual but Bi Sex... I'm old and still scared.. so I'm so proud of you!

A lot of what you said is my experience. I just say bi so i don't have to explain myself to people.

The only dating feminine men thing it wasn’t that I went after feminine man but I only was attracted to men with long hair 😅

I remember a sad experience where two teenage friends split up because she tried to kiss her mate because she was in love with her.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

Me too I’m literally terrified of men

Saaame I always had one girl best friend never hung out with a group of girls.