STAYING IN THE RELATIONSHIP
There are many reasons people stay in difficult relationships. You may feel complexly tied to your partner, perhaps by your long history together, financial or physical dependency, or a desire to maintain family stability for your children. The idea of walking away can feel intimidating and disorienting, especially if you have devoted much of your energy to raising kids. Perhaps you haven’t worked for a while and worry about how you will support yourself. Or you may be in a caregiving role to your partner and feel reluctant to leave her/him without your help. Even if you are emotionally prepared to end the relationship, those considerations may lead you to remain with your partner or remain temporarily until you feel the time is more appropriate for leaving. Whatever your reasons are for staying and for however long, there are things you can do to reduce conflict and improve things for yourself. These are things that help in any relationship but can be particularly effective in dealing with a narcissist.
1. Adjust Your Expectations
Be realistic. Narcissists are very unlikely to change and will only do
so if they are motivated for themselves. The only person you can
change is you, and the only thing you can change in the relationship
is how you act and respond. Accept that you can’t change your
partner. Accept that you won’t get certain needs met in the
relationship.
2. Align Your Needs with Your Partner’s
As you are well aware of by now, one way or another, narcissists will
always put their needs before yours. If you can find ways to align
your needs with your partner’s, you’ll function better and improve
how you both feel. For example, if you want your partner to help
more with the kids, find something s/he likes to do that s/he can do
with them. This allows her/him to feel competent and like a good
parent while the kids get positive time with her/him and you get a
break.
3. Help Your Partner Feel Successful
We all want to feel successful in what we do, and this is particularly
true of narcissists. Try to find ways you can support your partner in
things that matter to her/him. Focus on what s/he does well rather
than on her/his mistakes or flaws.
4. Acknowledge Your Partner’s Strengths
Underneath the bluster and games, your partner above all wants to
feel good about her-/himself. Try to find things about her/him that are
genuine strengths that you can sincerely acknowledge and reinforce.
Be specific and positive without false praise. If, for example, s/he
takes pride as a cook, tell your partner when s/he makes things you
like or when other people enjoy her/his cooking. If s/he is good at
managing the household or finances, tell her/him that you appreciate
it.
5. Try Not to Be Defensive
This is difficult, especially since you probably feel routinely
mistreated and the narcissist may be pulling very ingrained triggers
in you. But defensiveness with a narcissist will simply makes things
worse for you. S/he will either feel pleasure from it and goad or
punish you more, or will react with even fiercer defensiveness. As
long as you feel you need to prove or explain something about
yourself to the narcissist, you are opening yourself up to attack. A
narcissist does not care about your feelings or reasons. Being self aware
and feeling confident in yourself is the best way to avoid
reacting defensively.
6. Work on Yourself
As someone involved with a narcissist, particularly if it’s a long-term
relationship, you have probably deferred interests or goals for
yourself. Try to reconnect with those parts of you. Take classes, go
to therapy, get in shape, pursue hobbies-whatever makes you feel
fulfilled.
7. Build in Happiness
Try to build as much happiness into your life as you can. Spend time
doing things that are meaningful and enjoyable for you. If some of
those things can include your partner, great. But if they don’t, that’s
okay, too.
8. Connect with People
Find ways to fulfill your interpersonal needs outside the relationship.
Spend time with people you care about, such as friends and your
kids/grandkids. If that means leaving your partner at home, so be it.
9. Reassure Your Partner
Making changes, whether or not they directly affect your relationship,
can be disorienting and even threatening, especially to the insecure
narcissist. Reassure your partner (in whatever way works best) that
the changes you are making are not a threat to your relationship but
in fact are things you hope will make you both happy.
10. Plan for the Future
We all need to feel a sense of hope and purpose about the future.
Think about your future. Make plans to do things that matter to you,
with or without your partner.
Remember that there are ways to do the things on this list that do
not involve manipulating, lying, or giving up on yourself. You-and
your partner-will know when you are insincere.