1. Consider Your Partner’s Past Behavior
Look at your partner’s history to predict likely reactions now. Think about how your partner has reacted before to previous rejection, breakups, and/or feelings of being mistreated by you or others. Is he the type to shrink away, lash out, conduct a smear campaign, or grab your assets? Do not make the mistake of assuming you will be the exception or that your partner will honor your history together in any way.
2. Resist Backsliding
Mentally prepare yourself for the possibility that your partner will attempt to convince you to stay through desperate pleas, promises of reform, threats, guilt trips, or other forms of manipulation. Coach yourself in advance for these situations and have a rehearsed response that you can use under pressure and self-doubt. You may want to write down all your reasons for leaving and have the list to remind yourself and/or share your situation with a friend who can support you by being a voice of reason when you need it.
3. Control Your Assets
Your partner may attempt to seize or even destroy your things or things you share, including money, belongings, property, investments, animal companions, and the kids. Make sure you know what you have together and where it is (such as bank accounts and credit cards) and take steps to secure and protect what is yours. Don’t underestimate your narcissistic partner’s potential for ruthless self-interest and retaliatory harm.
4. Choose an Attorney Who Knows Narcissism
It is crucial to find an attorney who understands the narcissistic personality and has experience handling high-conflict divorce. A lawyer who is unaware of the realities of NPD is apt to make strategic mistakes that can have disastrous consequences for you and your kids. Such a lawyer may misinterpret or fail to recognize your partner’s manipulations and out of ignorance perhaps even judge and undermine you.
5. Avoid Narcissistic Attorneys
When looking for legal representation, also keep in mind that lawyers too can be narcissistic or have full-blown NPD and that the profession often attracts and rewards such personalities. Pay attention to red flags such as poor listening, bragging, and grand promises. Be skeptical of lawyers who spend more time billing you than working on your behalf.
6. Document Abuse
Document agreements you make with your partner, your correspondences, and evidence of your partner’s abuses. Take screen shots and photos, save texts and messages, and tell trusted family or friends about abusive incidents, so you have evidence to use in court and/or with the police if you need it.
7. Don’t Let Guilt Dictate Your Decisions
Especially if your partner uses passive-aggressive forms of manipulation, s/he may attempt to use guilt to get you to agree to unreasonable terms when you are dividing your assets and determining child custody. Your partner may try to guilt you into accepting inequitable arrangements or giving away what is rightfully yours.
8. Have a Place to Go
Even if you plan to keep your home, you should be prepared to leave if the narcissist refuses to go or gets violent. Have a place you can go with your children, animals, and important belongings, including family heirlooms. Don’t underestimate what the narcissist is capable of. In extreme cases, narcissists seize assets, destroy property, and take and/or even harm kids and pets.
9. Limit Your Partner’s Access
Limit your partner’s access to you and perhaps to your kids and pets. That may mean changing locks, blocking calls and texts, adjusting social media privacy settings, and the like. If the narcissist is threatening you, stalking, and/or entering your home or car without permission, it may be necessary to take out a restraining order, install an alarm system, inform your children’s school about your custody arrangement, and/or relocate.
10. Have a Support Team
If only for emotional support, you need people you can confide in and who have your back. For more complicated breakups, you may need help with the kids, a place to stay, a place to store your things, financial assistance, and witnesses. Remember to reach out to people who know the realities of what you’re dealing with.
11. Minimize Conflict
Even if you taste bile at the thought of your partner, try to rise above and reduce conflict with him or her as much as possible. Since the narcissistic personality is reactive, unreasonable, and prone to rage, provoking him/her will only escalate harm to yourself.
12. Think Before You Act
Resist the impulse to react or jump to decisions. It may be tempting to give up things like belongings, assets, or even custody rights so you can end the unpleasantness now, but you and your kids will have to live with those choices perhaps for the rest of your lives. Instead give yourself time to think things through, consider the long term picture, and consult with people you trust before taking any important steps in the separation/divorce process.