Despite the deeply rooted trappings of codependency, there is a way out. Whereas narcissism is an entrenched condition extremely difficult to overcome, largely because the narcissist by definition believes s/he does not need to change, codependency is much more amenable to treatment. Unlike the narcissist, the codependent usually has empathy, a strong sense of responsibility, a desire for intimacy, and willingness to help and support others. Building self awareness and self-esteem are within reach for the codependent and are the keys to a healthier state of being and balanced relationships.
As a codependent, your vulnerabilities have the potential to become strengths. The path you took out of yourself to overfocus on others is the same path you can take back to yourself. You can use your
1. awareness of others’ needs to become aware of your own,
2. empathy for others to feel compassion for yourself, and
3. desire to help and heal others to help and heal you.
Your first and biggest challenge as a codependent working to break free of defeating patterns is to give up your primitive denial defense. We have explored denial previously, and here we need some reminders. When parents are neglectful and/or abusive, young children must deny it to survive. They have no choice. But as they get older, eventually they must wake up from their denial so as to grow and heal. Children who don’t break their denial get stuck, continue to get hurt, and end up hurting others. It’s that simple, and that complicated.
One of the most difficult forms of denial to break is the belief that you can get the narcissist to love you. As we discuss throughout this book, narcissists do not reciprocate love, respect, compassion, concern, or caretaking. Narcissists want those things from you but cannot return them. A narcissist does not feel what you feel, and you can’t change that.
But overcoming your denial is not enough. As a codependent, you must replace dysfunctional beliefs and patterns of behavior with more functional ones. This takes self-reflection, education, support, and lots and lots of practice. As you become honest with yourself, you reorient yourself with healthy alternatives to the ones you learned growing up. You move from codependence to interdependence in your relationships. You learn to:
1. Respect yourself
2. Listen to your needs
3. Value your feelings
4. Ask for what you want
5. Reject what you don’t want
6. Separate your happiness from the happiness of others
7. Recognize imbalance in relationships
8. Establish healthy boundaries
9. Recognize your power and your limits
10. Let go of the need to control others
11. Let go of guilt and shame
12. Reparent yourself