Continual blame and criticism are other defense mechanisms people
with BPD who act out use. The criticism may be based on a real issue that
the person with BPD has exaggerated, or it may be a pure fantasy on the
borderline’s part.
When Blaming Becomes Verbal Abuse
When the person with BPD lashes out at you, he’s consumed with his
own needs. He may also be displacing rage and anger onto you that are theresult of abuse suffered in the past. If he seems controlling, he may be
trying to gain control over his own life-not yours.
And even when they seem to have won an argument, they’ve really
lost. For one thing, they’ve damaged their relationship with you-someone they’re terrified will leave them. When things calm down, the person withBPD may feel ashamed of the way he or she behaved toward you. This adds to the downward spiral of shame, guilt, and low self-esteem. BPs may apologize and beg for your forgiveness, then deny that they ever admitted that their behavior was out of line.
But even though their behavior is not really about you, excessive
criticizing and blaming can cross the line and become verbal abuse. Beverly
Engel, in The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive
Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself (1990), writes:
Emotional abuse is any behavior that is designed to control another
person through the use of fear, humiliation, and verbal or physical
assaults. It can include verbal abuse and constant criticism to more
subtle tactics like intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever be
pleased. Emotional abuse is like brainwashing in that it systematically
wears away at the victim’s self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in
her perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it be by constant berating
and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of “guidance” or
teaching, the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient loses all
sense of self and all remnants of personal value.
Keep in mind that we are not discussing
the intentions of the person with BPD. We are talking about the effects of
their coping strategies on you.
Domination: The person resorts to threats to get their own way.
Verbal assaults: This includes reprimanding, humiliating, criticizing,
name calling, screaming, threatening, excessive blaming, and using
sarcasm in a cutting way. It also involves exaggerating your faults and
making fun of you in front of others. Over time, this type of abuse
erodes your sense of self-confidence and self-worth.
Abusive expectations: The other person makes unreasonable demands
and expects that you will be their first priority-no matter what. This
includes denouncing your needs for attention and support.
Unpredictable responses: This includes drastic mood changes or
sudden emotional outbursts. Living with someone like this is
extremely anxiety provoking. You may feel frightened, unsettled, and
off balance.
Gaslighting: The other person denies your perceptions of events and
conversations.
Constant chaos: The BP may deliberately start arguments and is in
constant conflict with others. They also may be addicted to drama,
since it creates excitement. (Many non-BPs may be addicted to
drama.)