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"you cannot teach a 30 year old how to be empathic" my jaw dropped because I just ended my relationship with a 30 year old because I was trying to teach him exactly that.

Empathy is everything ! If someone doesn’t have empathy it is as if you are dealing with someone who is inhumane.

So, one night, my husband and I were having a conversation at the dinner table about work stuff. I was crying because I was yelled at and embarrassed by my boss in front of my coworkers only because my boss did not want me to take my day off. I was really hurt because that day off was very important as I was supposed to take my son to his doctor’s appointment which I scheduled 3 months earlier. My 8-year old son saw me crying and kinda heard what’s going on. And then he came to hug me and said,” mom, don’t cry. Dad and I are always here for you. We love you.” That just blew my mind and at the same time really appreciate my son’s presence and love. The following night, he saw me crying in the living room again and then he said,” mom, if you think your boss is not treating you well, then go look for another job. “ And then he gave me a hug.

Odd how siblings can be raised in near-identical circumstances and only one becomes narcissistic.

One thing Dr. Ramini misses is that narcissists are looking for a parent/Life Coach in their relationships. Narcs need someone to direct them and help them make adult life and business choices. Narcissists take advantage of these spouses, friends and more to get ahead. Narcs are all about using whomever they can for their own gain.

It seems like narcissism is become more widespread because of social media

I thought it was more nurture than nature. Most narcissists I know were traumatized as children and always have at least one narcissistic parent. Really appreciate your content 🙏

We definitely need to switch anti bullying campaigns to pro empathy campaigns. Anti gun violence versus pro empathy campaigns.

As a young adult who’s been diagnosed with NPD and is undergoing treatment, i do think we need more videos like this. The dehumanization on KZfaq is really overwhelming and you can’t really find any good videos to help you with your disorder.

Growing up in a largely Narcissistic neighborhood, i saw how Narcissistic parents made their kids just as Narcissistic. These parents are the typical nosy, entitled, envious, manipulative, foul mouthed and sometimes ruthless people who is also deathly obsessed with either politics or religious activities or both. They "ostracized" and covert/passive aggressively harassed everyone who doesn't agree with their point of view (i.e my family and a couple of others who then chose not to mingle much with them unless necessary). And in this southeast asian country, i think the Narcissists here looooove to be in in a large group of like-minded people, that's how they managed to overwrite their Insecurities, by hiding in numbers. They have us vs them mentality - "If everyone thinks this way, then I am correct, everyone who is not one of us is wrong". Collective/tribal narcissism. Only a couple of kids from this sort of Narcissistic families didn't agree to such behaviour and one even expressed how she doesn't like her mum and prefers to talk to my mother. We were never a perfect family, we had our own shortcomings too but thankfully my late dad and my mum always been showing us how to be empathetic, not to crave people's approval and provide a safe space for us to express ourselves.

I grew up in complete narcissistic family.I find this fascinating ,my mother created this competitive anxiety with all the siblings .She had all of us with ridiculous rivalry and bullying.She never showed any real love for her children, it was all about what we could do for her.She lacked any moral codes and encouraged us to basically to be dishonest.She was a shocker basically she never should have had children.She created this toxic legacy after she passed.

I literally always have said to my husband if it’s one thing I want for my kids was for them to be empathetic!! This was well before we even had kids. Now we have 2 under 2. I’m doing my best to ensure that they see me being empathetic. Simultaneously, I went them to see me being kind to myself by not tolerating disrespect and abuse. I don’t want them to learn from me that everyone else’s needs are more important than their own because that’s what I learned from my mother’s actions.

I worked so hard on empathy as well. It was my number one goal. The downfall was I was married to a narcissist who was more abusive than I could ever see for years. 2 out of 3 kids have come out empathetic, but one I worry about every day.

Dr Ramini really is an amazing individual. Highly intelligent and I just love listening to her. I am working in mental health and I have experienced it myself and without a doubt Dr Ramani has taught me so much. Very good at what she does

Empathy can place you in positions you can't escape because your more worried about someone else's feeling over your own. That's how some narcissist trap you. Had to learn to control my empathic nature due to emotional pitfalls.

I rearranged my whole life and went through hell just so that I can give my kids, me. Thank you Dr. Ramani, last year, I finally saw the light in my narcissistic family system and got myself and my kids out of an emotionally invalidating situation.

Empathy, boundaries and taking responsibility for your actions. For me those are the major things lacking in the narcissists I've met. Love Dr Ramani, one of the best at explaining narcissists. Every video she does is informative and very helpful to those of us who have been damaged by narcissists.

This is fantastic. Even the Bible says Everything we do should be because of love. Love and empathy go together. We have to learn it to show it❤

I was raised by such good parents and they always put kindness, respect, empathy and compassion at the forefront and I do the same with my kids. If you try your best that’s what matters. I want my kids to become kind adults more than anything.

Keep in mind there’s a lot of people with NPD that are undiagnosed because they rarely ever go to therapy and see someone because rarely does their behavior effect them, it mainly effects their victims.

I am the most empathetic person I know but I am also the person who has been exploited emotionally, had to sacrifice after understanding how to help others. I am also the one person who is mostly left hurt, alone and left with s feeling that no one who understand your empathetic levels.

The single best quality in any person is empathy. They are worth more then their weight in gold. Best partners, best parents, best coworkers, best team players, best leaders

Agreed Empathy is number 1. Because kindness is what bonds us as humans and the only thing that can make a lasting change on the world. I am a teacher with no children of my own. Not by choice however I try to instill learning kindness for them. I had a similar saying for them "If I teach you nothing at all I will teach you kindness."

empathy can be painful tho and lead to constant worry and anxiety about everyone else's feelings

Dr. Ramani is right. Empathy is everything ❤️

Empathy is important, no doubt. But in my opinion, empathy shouldn't be taught exclusively or you'll raise a doormat---a person rife for abuse by a narcissist or other abuser type who knows how to play them. Teach kids empathy yes, but also teach them to trust their gut and pay attention to pathological behavior in others. Kids need to know that acting on empathy doesn't mean people-pleasing. Can you respond to this?

I am so glad you educated us that all teenagers are narcissistic and self entitled ..I won’t lie I’ve been seriously concerned about my teenager, until you said they’re like this with their parents but not with friends. You have really Settled something inside of me haha Empathy really is everything ❤️

Surely NPD has to be something that some people are more prone to having it based on personality traits or brain chemistry. But the rest comes in with nurture. But some people are more likely to become narcissistic. Because empathy tend to have childhoods similar to someone with NPD but instead of growing up to hurt others, they grow up to become empathic people.

When I was younger, I asked my ex what was the one thing he looked for in a partner and he said, "competence". It's made me realize people get married for a wide variety of reasons and some matches such as ours were completely toxic. Growing as a person means forgiving yourself for what you didn't know when you didn't know it. Lesson learned! These days I look for humility along with emotional intelligence 100%.

Most people want their children to grow up and be 'happy' but I wanted my children to grow up 'good people'! That would include empathy.

I have covert narcissist tendencies, it took me years to realize it and I’m terrified of unknowingly emotionally damaging my child. I see a lot of advice about how to heal wounds made from a narcissist and how bad they are. But what about a narcissist that wants to change? How can we heal that deep wound ourselves? Thanks in advance for any guidance.

Empathy is the greatest human quality. I'm 100% with Dr. Ramani.

My husband and I decided our number 1 thing to teach our kids is happiness and to show them empathy and compassion. We teach by modeling the behavior and that is one thing I can be proud of. All 3 of my kids are so compassionate and sometimes empathetic to a fault where they "feel" others pain and heart ache so that is one thing that really does cause issues with empathizing.

This is amazing parenting advice! Thank you for sharing!

Amazing parenting, and I absolutely agree that empathy is one of the major factors everyone should understand, if there was a little more empathy in the world would there be wars and conflict.

Being raised as an empathetic child and having this quality reenforced as an adult, can be good to a point. Because most people are not being educated about narcissistic people -- the empathetic person can often become the narcissist person's target or victim.

I love you Dr Ramani, you show it with credibility

Dr Ramani is one of those people that makes this a better world! I grew up with a narcissistic father and was emotionally neglected and struggle with empathy. I always try to be more mindful about other people and I look up to my sister who is pretty empathic and I don't know how she got that in the house we grew up!

"Who needs kindness when you can code?" -- a direct quote from both this video and my ex. What is with so many tech bros not having any empathy? Of course it's not all, but it does seem to be a high proportion. I think narcissists can be drawn to the control and lack of emotional vulnerability in coding so it tends to attract a lot of especially men who literally don't know what empathy even is. I literally explained it to my ex. Granted, he was from another country but yeah, after a decade here he had no idea what I was talking about and I think that was about more than a gap in his vocabulary.

Empathy is important, but it doesn't put food on the table. You've also only got one shot at fostering conscientious, responsibility, rational thinking, self-reliance, self-discipline, etc.

A big point of difference between me and my narc husband...he was completely focused on whether the children got good grades. I, however, always maintained the view that no one would care about grades in 10 years. But I was happy that they always got top marks in citizenship... something that would serve them well beyond their school years.

Dear MedCircle, please always pay Dr Ramani on time and well. Don’t take her for granted just cuz she’s been coming back to you guys for a long time. I cant express how helpful her advices are. I broke up with my girl friend of 2 years so she won’t ruin the rest of my life, only thanks to Ramani’s advice

Every narcissist I ever met didn’t know who they were.

Thank you Dr Ramani. I can breathe a huge sigh of relief for my own children. I seem to have this innate ability of empathy - even with the really bad childhood I had (I have 7 ACE's) empathy is one of those things that I've always had and maybe my upbringing taught me how I didn't want to be. My 4 children have always had this empathy as well and it has been nurtured. My eldest was there for her friends when things happened, right down to my youngest who is ASD but has that innate empathy built in. She hates seeing anyone being hurt, including people who hurt her (bullies) so I am glad that narcissism will not be in my children's personality. 0-11, the foundation years right? My youngest is 11 and my eldest is 21 this week. My middle two are still in their teen years and I so get the teenage years being difficult.

Empathy is not learned, it is the natural primal condition of every human being. It is easy to keep a child on that path despite their healthy pushing and exploring of boundaries. It takes a lot of consistent abuse to beat the empathy out of us.

I teared up a few x when Dr Ramani said that was the #1 goal, more important than anything, raising empathetic children 😥💗🙏

She is always so great explaining and he is also such a good interviewer, they seem so confortable talking

You can also learn to be empathic by being in a VERY unempathetic environment...or if your caregiver wants you to be empathetic all the time...its not just learning through mirroring all the time

I think its unfair on parents to say no one would say they want their kid to have empathy. I dont have a kid, but if i did all i would care about is that my child was kind and compassionate to others, and made the world a better place. I think theres a good difference to highlight between empathy and compassion. Constant empathy is not healthy, empathy requires you to be in touch with the pain inside of you to relate to others and it can over run into unboundaried feelings of taking on other peoples emotions which ultimately only they are responsible for. Whereas compassion is the ability to recognise someone is hurting and an additional desire to help. I think its important to teach boundaries to kids. my mum had quite bad OCD in a troubled marriage and they argued a lot and her compulsions were to clean so much. I felt her feelings i felt her anxiety, i used to feel i had to help, and i would clean, i felt she needed me to be the best best girl or i would upset her even though she was very loving and never ever told me off, though i felt i had to make sure she was okay. Then i grew to be a people pleaser ended up in codependent relationships, feel like i had to fix everyone. Ive learned to turn that off now luckily! Just another side of the coin. Dr Ramani sounds like she raised amazing children x

Oh Dr Ramani I actually burst into tears when you shared about what you and your (lovely) ex-husband agreed to do - to teach and nurture empathy above all else. It’s what I always thought too. I really needed this affirmation. Thank you.

i just watched another video abt narcissism, most narcissists actually are underdeveloped in parts of the brain that have to do with safety and empathy and literally cannot feel empathy because their development was stunted at an early age

if you didn't learn empathy in your childhood, is there absolutely no way you can learn it later on in life?

This completely makes sense to me. I got my empathy from my mom. Shes been attentive to me my entire life and never rejected my emotions. Never forced me to be competitive even though she always wished I had gotten into sports more lol but because of her empathy for me I learned how to feel that towards everyone I meet. I don't brush off anyone's feelings and it's probably why I'm very interested in psychology. I want to be able to better understand people with npd and not be afraid or angry towards someone so the opposite of me.

It's refreshing to hear personal insight from Dr. Ramani. I sometimes wonder if I did things to ruin my daughters, but they are really good girls all the same.

My priority in rasing my daughter is empathy as well. She is almost 6. My moment of 'yep, I succeeded' was when she was 3. I was cold, she brought me blanket. My heart melted... She was in kindergarten since 1yo, as soon as she was with other kids, she learned empathy is important.

Empathy is everything😌❤️❤️❤️☺️👍

This was so good! Empathy has been what I've always told my husband our 3 children needed and needed the most...my 2 sons, daughter all 3 of them are very sensitive and very empathetic ❤ Thank you for these videos

Thank you for reiterating many thoughts I've been digesting over the years, it has validated my feelings and made me see some things with new eyes. The relationships which have tested me often drained me of my own value, it has often taken a great deal of my energy. This is a work in progress, you are definitely a help! Gratefully, Lisa

Dr Ramani has provided so much clarity for me. I've developed cognitive empathy as I realize over time and after numerous failed relationships, I need to intentionally consider others' feelings at all times.

This is such an interesting post, thank you for sharing. I love watching both of your channels, you’ve helped me help myself, take responsibility for my emotions and respond over react. Take care.

The single most important thing for me, is to make sure my son has empathy. I’ve been doping the exact same thing when breastfeeding and everything else. Really Bering available at all times.. - he was a high need baby, and everybody kept telling me to let others take him, so I could go and do me… but he really needed me, and his temper (having been bathed in cortisol in all of my pregnancy, due to narcissistic abuse) I was so scared not to get it absolutely right (as Rhamani says, one only gets one chance, and It has to be right.!) Even though I’m Danish and we have “good” maternity leave, 9 moths, it is still not enough.. we still send our babies til daycare when they are only 10-12 months old.. our children, our future, empathy in general should be prioritised. Instead empathy is in dangered.. 😰

I am so appreciative of Dr. Ramani. I have learned so much and through her, how to heal.

Dr. Ramani, You are awesome. Yes, I am proud to say that I gave importance to empathy only. When my older daughter 6 years and I had another 2 year toddler, I was so stressed and shouted to her and after 10 minutes, she came to me and asked " mom, are you ok, is it your head hurting or something else'. after that I cried more and after 24 years still I remember that incident.

Empathy as an empath, is something that many kids are born with and it needs to be nurtured. But it's discouraged. To some degree all kids can sense emotions. I thought you could teach empathy, but for certain people, and it could be because of walls they've put up, they cannot pick up on someone else's emotions. There's empathy and empathy so they CANNOT actually feel someone else's emotions. Empathy, as in being able to relate to someone's pain or sadness, to where it triggers that same feeling withen them for example, can be taught. Many times you can bring someone to a place in their lives where they were in a similar situation and then connect them with that emotion so they can relate. Start there. Unfortunately some people even need to learn how to identify their emotions to start with. I've noticed how Narcissists intellectualize vs empathize. For some it's walls they've put up for so long they cannot access emotions and they have a long standing habit of living this way. With others I believe it's possibly a chemical imbalance. I've noticed in these cases a family history of violence or an inability to feel. With the right upbringing usually this can be dealt with at a young age before it progresses into full blown narcissism.

Dr. Ramani- Thank you so much for sharing this message that the most important thing in raising children, is to teach them empathy. I completely agree. When I was raising my son, I always said that the most important thing to me was to raise a son with a good heart. Great, informative video, as always. I'm always astounded by your level of knowledge and expertise. Thank you!

This validates my own conclusion about what matters most to me in the entire world, which is how people treat each other. Now I can be even more specific by putting the word "empathy" in, I didn't know that's what I was looking for because I was under the impression that empathy was sometimes undesirable, like an invasion of privacy, but it's all about putting yourself in the other person's shoes, so that makes sense. Thank you again! I'm so relieved that the way I think is good, and not a la-la land fairy tale for losers.

I need my parents. To me it is nice as I used to spend a lot of time away traveling the world singing so never saw them for years. Now I am closer to them but it feels more like we are friends. Especially my mom and I love talking about your programs and chatting about all the things we have learnt. Maybe I also chat more to my mom because she is blind and depend on communication and learning and experiencing the world through her children and i'm the most talkative but also a bit anxious when i don't talk to my mom a few times a day. It's great to have someone to reflect on and she likes venting and inspiring me to be proactive

My mother is narcissistic she doesn't have that much empathy, however I learned empathy by whatching Barbie all my childhood 😂 she was a great kind empathic and brave, a great role model, I was a very introverted kid (still am) and honestly movies and playing with my toys or pets were my company,

That is wonderful advice for parents. It’s one of my main goals for my kids too. Empathy is so important!

I love this 💓 Great information, I have 2 young boys with great empathy which gives me hope 🙌

I've read that children and adolescents aren't fully capable of true empathy, as the part of the brain that deals with empathy, the anterior insular cortex, isn't fully developed and that the whole brain isn't fully developed until we're in our late 20s (apparently earlier for females). Is this correct? 🧠 🧐

This is the first time I've commented on KZfaq & I watch MedCircle & Dr Ramani daily... But I HAD to comment on this. I'm actually crying from the relief I felt hearing Dr Ramani talk about raising her kids with empathy. I struggle with my mental health & I worry the impact it has on my children. I am only starting to realise & heal from what I now understand was a Narcissistic abusive relationship (and being raised by suspected Narc parents) and most days I struggle that Im a bad Mum. I've been made fun of, put down, verbally abused, threatened (you know the deal lol) by so many people for teaching my daughter's empathy. My 3 year old is a beautiful soul & even at such a young age she understands what empathy is & she shows empathy but also has great boundaries. I'm going to make a conscious effort to look at my 6 month old when feeding her - good tip Dr Ramani 🥰

This advice will change a lot. Thank you 🙏

I Love you both together. Also individually but you make a good team. Thank you

Honestly i have learned alot from dr ramani , before her lecture i end up hurting myself …. Thanku, thanks 🙏 alot.

What's really odd to me is, my mother and brother are both completely lacking empathy and not only do they both INSIST they are "very" emphatic, they get angry when you tell them they are not and can't grasp their own lack of empathy. I assume they "know" it's an important character trait and don't want to admit that they are lacking it; it would be funny if it wasn't so painful how oblivious they are to what it even means. One example, my brother went to Mexico and apparently talked to some spiritual woman about ME - I have no idea what he said to her, but he informed me after that she told him I "needed empathy". Guess how he interpreted that, and took as fact? He interpreted it that a complete stranger who had never met me, was able to judge my level of empathy and conclude I was the one lacking it, rather than that I needed someone to BE empathic toward me. I suppose it's possible that a stranger might believe my brother's projections were the truth and conclude that I might be the one lacking empathy, but I don't think that was what she was trying to tell him, at all, even though I have no idea what he said to her. Even his ex wife labelled him "Mr Projector" when they were married and accused him of having no empathy. It's a real mind-warp with these people and the way they automatically dump their defects onto you as if it was gospel and then convince themselves and others it is gospel. Another thing that I don't understand is how I ended up with empathy, in a family that completely lacks it. It's not just my mom and brother, my dad is also not empathic. I know I am because even as young as 4, I was able to express that my mother hurt my feelings (she used that as an opportunity to cajole and tease me, she's quite sadistic) and when I was 7 or 8, I stood up to some other kids who were throwing rocks at gophers and asked them how they would feel if they were a small gopher being attacked. I really freaked out on those kids, I remember it pretty well. Of course now, as an adult, I realize not all people see gophers as critters worth empathizing with, but at the time I could not understand how anyone could find hurting an animal, funny or fun. So how did I end up with feelings in a family who seemed to have none, and worse, saw feelings as something to ridicule or taunt in some sort of sick power-play where the adult always "wins"? Or something you can use to control someone with?

Beautiful set !

Thank you for this. I said to another mum today who spoke greatly on my oldest, as long as they are with everyone else that's what matters. I'm worried about my youngest at the moment but you remind me all kids somewhat are. As long as they are well with others. As I said to this mum, they ain't so great at home because home is "safe", home they can be whatever, but in public they behave

Dr Ramani is a life changing for me.

I'd say empathy, intelligence, communication skills and healthy habits (explaining to the child why it's a good idea to brush their teeths for exemple)

I watched a lot of those videos and this one was really good

So good! Loved the parenting piece! Can a bullying experience, gifted intelligence, or abusive experience outside the family also cause NPD as well?

I felt the same way with empathy! When my son was very little we would pray talk drive to school and each day he had an assignment at school to see 👀 who was down sad and needed a smile. I would ask him to see who was down to learn empathy and then I would ask him what he did to act on that empathy to help them smile so he could learn compassion to act on it. That was a regular thing throughout his childhood. That was one practice we did and then talked about together after school

Thanks for spending the time to create and share this content awareness/perspective

I would love to hear more from Doctor Ramani about fostering empathy in children. I am not a parent but I am a prominent figure in the lives of several children. With the increase in how narcissistic behavior is rewarded on social media and other places, how can I model empathy in a way that will inoculate them against the influence of pervasive models of selfishness and disregard? Additionally, how do you balance encouraging empathy with the need to maintain healthy boundaries and autonomy? After growing up with a narcissist parent, even I haven't mastered this balance. I have no idea where to start with modeling it!

Another great interview!!

Amazing one Dr.Ramani

I hope you are right. I pray to God you are right. My 6 year old daughter is coping with her parents divorce and leans towards her narcissistic mother. I am patient, loving, and nurturing to the best of my ability and teach her lessons in empathy and how to manage her emotions. Oddly, her mother may be also teaching her lessons on the same topics. However, my daughter seems to enjoy the pain of others since she was a toddler. Because she favors her mom, perhaps she mimics her behavior but I feel that my daughter can’t comprehend empathy or perhaps doesn’t see empathy as a favorable thing to have and I just don’t see that it’s because of her mother or myself for that matter. She’s still so young and I won’t give up, but I’m really struggling with this.

So informative. Thank you.

Only one in 16? I meet people affected by narcissism on a daily basis and it's not even in my line of work!

This guy is an amazing host. Thank you as well.

That's beautiful... ; "when we need someone we resent them". Especially if we think they are or may not come though for us when we need them to.

Empathy is magical. Thanks!

It's always been clear to me that Dr. Ramani has a good heart and is very bright. But, because she does do "the superficial world" so very well, I had a (tiny)bit of a prejudice. That took a hit here. Expressing that empathy is either learned very early or not at all, and then state that empathy was the NUMBER ONE thing she felt obliged to "teach" her children; this was a reminder to pay closer attention to what she is saying (even if it's fun and very stimulating to take her in on a more superficial level)

Thank you so much!🙏❤️

That's nice and a big relief!! My daughter once was on a bike ride when she was 3 years old and we passed by a construction site and she told me.. o my god mummy, the poor rock they are hurting it a lot. why!? so bad that I had to sit down with her to explain coz she wanted to cry.. it was a bit too sensitive.. but I thought it was nice but too much! on the other hand, I had to teach her to feel the right of certain things, coz in those terms I think she had mirrored me a little. never feeling deserving unworthy. once we talked about her relationships and I told her, that we needed to explore what is what I did coz she got it from me for sure. We needed to figure it out coz I didn't want her to feel that way ever nor feel manipulated as I have had... she was shocked but she has been willing to help us fix her issues I'm happy coz she is the 20s so it means she will be happier than me, with fewer struggles by her 40s...

This actually keeps me up at night! My ex was diagnosed with NPD and I had a REALLY hard time bonding with our child when she was first born and now that she is 8 I am SO worried she'll end up like her dad. Her dad and I have split and I finally bonded with my child but I'm so worried it wasn't done in time. She goes to a therapeutic day school and was diagnosed with high functioning autism, and I was asked what was the one thing I worry about with her, and I said her lack of empathy, I see it in her ALL the time, just like her dad! I try to teach to her and show her what it means to have empathy, and take each and every teachable moment that comes along, but I'm scared it may be too late for her! What can I do to change the path that my child is heading towards?!? She already gets counselling through her school and is also set up with a therapist outside of school but my daughter refuses to engage with her outside therapist. What can I do to help my child?!?

dehumanizing. that's my childhood in a nutshell. my parents were young, ignorant, and survivors themselves of horrific childhoods. my mother thought we were little dolls she could dress and hair-style however she pleased without reference to our preferences. my preferences were ignored at best and punished at worst. i was under-indulged and over-ignored and over-punished...often punished for things my sister did or for reacting to things my sister did. my narcissist sister is the one who was both over- and under-indulged--hence, the nurture...but i think she also was genetically geared toward narcissism because she hated me with a seething passion the minute my parents brought me home from the hospital, before they even had a chance to "love" me at her "expense" in her presence.

Thanks Doc youre very articulate at your experties