Does anyone else feel like if you have a really bad experience with a narcissist you end up looking like the narcissist. You're left broken not getting things done, not confident in your ability to do things anymore etc.

Sexlessness. Sharing a bed with someone who doesn’t acknowledge you are a sexual being hurts so much. I was in a sexless marriage for years. Being a woman with a high libido, I felt inadequate. Worst I feel invisible. The man who was “supposed” to want me, just didn’t. We talked about it many times, more than I can recall now. It was always me. I wanted too much - once a week was too much for him. I didn’t initiate - he was always complaining of headaches, stomaches, always stressed, always tired. I was too sexual - when being subtle doesn’t work, what is next? Explicitly saying I wanted sex. Oh but then it was not appropriate. Conversations would end up with him saying he didn’t feel desired or I made him feel emasculated because he didn’t want sex as much as I did. Yeah, it was always me. I could never win. While we were dating we would have a decent amount of sex, it was good. The first huge red flag was not having sex in our honeymoon - which I ignored. It rapidly decrease to once a week, then every other week. Years gone by it was months in between, by the time we divorced it was over a year with no sex. I cried myself to sleep more times that I can count. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. Was I that undesirable? Was I repulsive? After those conversations, I just stopped trying, initiating, mentioning sex. We were still loving - holding hands, hugging, kissing - but sex was off the table. He then cheated on me. Swore he had sex only 4 times in a year (or more) long affair. It didn’t matter. For years my self worth was damaged by him, years of low self esteem, years of feeling less of a woman, the marriage that was more than over, waiting in hospice, really ended. Funny how things are, I asked him for a divorce, he manipulated me into staying, next day his infidelity came to light. I was out as soon as I could. Best thing of my life. Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator digitalinvestigate@gmail.com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...

Don't be surprised if the narcissist weaponizes incompetence and then take credit for your work.

I used to say to my now ex narc, “you play stupid to get out of responsibility”. What they don’t realize is that they’re preparing you to be on your own without them the more they didn’t help the more you saw you didn’t need them.

The thing that infuriates me is this. They "don't know how" because "nobody showed them." So you show them. And show them. And show them. And they "keep forgetting" or "just don't get it."

There’s also the “half-a$$ed incompetence,” you ask them to do a chore and they do it so badly, or only do it half way, so that you end up spending more effort to finish it or clean up the mess afterward. We probably all have some comically absurd scenarios from these.

They don't like the discomfort of being responsible.

"I don't want to get the wrong things and make you mad, so you have to do the grocery shopping"...forever.

All narcissists I know are incompetent 🤦‍♂️ it just sucks when it’s parenting.

What's almost worse are the ones who talk a big game, never do anything, then criticize and find fault with the people who do take initiative do the thing.

There's also reversed weaponized incompetence. When a narcissistic parent or partner offers you help and they offer to do something repeatedly for you instead of using that as an opportunity to teach you how to do it yourself so that you can be self sufficient and not reliant on them, they later go on the attack and weaponize *your* incompetence that they created in you by denying you multiple opportunities to learn how to do something for yourself so that the next time you need help you are trained to say, "Can you help me with this?" Then they shame you and say, "Ugh! You really don't know how to do this?! It's like I have to do everything for you around here!"

On top of weaponized incompetence, dangerous negligence, and constant rage/terror, THEN they go around pretending to be the victim so that outsiders gang up on the person they are abusing. It's a deadly combo, these people ruin health and lives.

They deliberately act like they can’t do or achieve something, just to disappoint you or make things difficult for you. They find pleasure in your disappointment, inconvenience and dissatisfaction.

I love being old and retired. I don't need to cover for coworkers' "weaponized incompetence." I had no choice as a flight attendant. If a passenger complained about service, the whole crew got in trouble. I don't care what anyone thinks about me anymore. I know that I'm a kind and caring person, but I don't need to be codependent or an enabler to prove it. I can live out my last years peacefully and without fear of judgment, now or later.

We suffer from dealing with their incompetence because we think they are the only people we have. Distance is the only answer to disrespect..

This confirms this is the person i am married to. Our daughter once referred to him as weaponizing incompetence. The light went on and I knew it wasn't just me doing too much and not knowing how to ask for help. I am exhausted. I want to be alone just so i can rest.

Not only did I have a narcissistic, abusive, husband for 15 years, but I've also worked with loads of people like this over the years. The managers all know about them, yet nothing's done about it, and their solution to the problem is to get us hard-working, competent ones to cover for them. You find yourself doing your work, their work, and we're all getting paid the same!

100% nailed this on all points. Weaponized incompetence is just another form of passive aggression. They also use it to say, “but I did help you, it’s not my fault if you’re a perfectionist or I can’t do it as well as you or I don’t do it the way you want. It’s not my fault if I don’t do it the way you want, that’s on you.” It’s a lose lose either way

I have always viewed weaponized incompetence as being in the same category as weaponized procrastination. They use it the same way.

I always get the "nobody asked you to..." thrown at me after I either fix or pay for something. It's amazing how quickly they forget when you step up or make it seem like you're asking for a kidney when thinking you might get a simple thank you.

Weaponized incompetence is a very powerful tool against the empathic around the narcissists. The latter use it not just to get things done for them without lifting a finger, but also as a way to claim their dominance over others. The emotional manipulation in this tactic is really repulsive in my opinion.

Wow, never knew this. Learning about narcissists is like learning about a different human breed.

"They TALKED about getting stuff done -- but they didn't DO the things" -- both my parents have found evilly ingenious ways to do this

Narcissists may also use weaponized incompetence in a financially abusive way. They may have a history of addiction, mismanagement, bankruptcy, unemployment, etc. and they use those things to avoid paying debts, contributing to household expenses, or to punish their partners by leaving them with the financial burden.

Thank you for the education and vocabulary on this topic! My narc would purposefully mess up household chores so that I wouldn't expect him to do them again. He would say things like "Well, if you want it done right, then YOU do it!" It was very passive aggressive.

I worked so hard on our homestead, and he did nothing. He would just stand there and watch me work. He always said, I don't know what to do. Who told ME what to do? No one, that's who. I learned all on my own. I finally quit after so much blood, sweat and tears. When he couldn't help build a bigger chicken coop, I just quit. No more huge gardens, I tilled with a broadfork, by hand. Now, I am looking for a little rv to move into and leave this empty marriage/relationship behind. I am beyond DONE with incompetence!!! Life is too short and I'm not living like this with what little time I have left!

Thank you SO MUCH for covering this critical issue. These people can drive you absolutely bugshit insane with the extra workload they place on you.

This was a CONSTANT thing in my marriage. It annoyed me to no end. Once I run across someone who does it, I lose respect for them and I distance myself from them.

Weaponised incompetence can be devastating and can sometimes be extreme.

You just described my 35 year marriage! He would do a chore or fix something, but do it so badly that I had to redo/fix it. So to save myself the hassle I'd just do it myself. At one point I was solely managing the schedules of 3 senior parents/in-laws, two teenagers, and an incompetent spouse. Never again!!!!

This was so my mother. She was extremely intelligent and a talented artist but she wouldn't do anything. Never done anything with her talent. She was too busy manipulating everyone and having others do for her. My dad was a narcissistic person too but in a different way. I can honestly say I wish I'd been give up for adoption and never known either of them.

I learned what weaponized incompetence was with my younger brother. Introduce him to a machine, he could figure it out with ease. Expect him to do any kind of housework, and suddenly he'd be unable to figure it out and argue until it was given up on and someone else did it.

Coparenting with weaponized incompetence.. I didn't think that it could get worse than parenting in the same home with a narcissist. But it sure did.

Yup. This was my 14 year long marriage to a Narcissist. This man child could build houses, for goodness sake, but would throw tantrums when he had no clean boxers or washcloths, when there weren't clean dishes, etc. 🤦🏻‍♀️

This describes my husband’s ex as if you were there. A grown woman, bounced checks because “Why would I have checks if I didn’t have enough money?”, wouldn’t cook or clean or get a job, continually ran out of gas…. On and on. So naturally he did everything and she criticized. It was actually a real problem when we were first married because he assumed he’d have to do the lions share of work with us, and was stunned that I did in fact operate on his level. Forty years later he’s still grateful for the smallest thing I do for him, which is sad in a way since it’s so unconditionally offered but I get it. The damage a covert narcissist does leaves deep scars.

They're super passive aggressive. And if they act like they can't do it then they get you to do it so that they never have to do it. Passing the buck 100%

It's good that we're starting to talk about the actual behavior that we notice with narcissism.

My ex has done everything in this post.. all of it! And when it wasn’t weaponized it was just plain incompetence. Best line during parenting years: “I don’t have the hormones for taking care of babies”

So validating to hear this behavior named and described. My ex was exactly like this. He was supposed to be the stay-at-home parent while I worked, which was a complete train wreck. He did one load of laundry in 5 years. When asked to put the dishes away, he'd just set them on the counter or in random places. Of course, this is just scratching the surface.

Ahhhh my mother’s forte in life - weaponised incompetence + no accountability + victimhood + guilt tripping (gaslighting??!) + smear campaigning = my mother’s covert narcissism 😭😭 …

You are describing my ex-husband word for word, although this seemed to a phenomenon which only happened at home. As far as I knew, he did was competent at work, but then he was dealing with his first love at work: electronics. I came home once after a day away. As soon as I walked in the door our toddler fell apart. I asked my husband what he'd fed our kiddo for lunch. His answer: nothing. Me (astonished): Why didn't you feed him? Him: because he didn't tell me he was hungry! Doesn't that say it all.

I had an ex whom I had asked to empty the litter box. This was a rare occasion when I had asked them to. They literally turned around and said, "Oh, but you do it so much better than I can." I stood there, thinking, "It's not that hard. You take a bag, put the litter box in the bag, empty the litter into the bag, close the bag, put the bag down the garbage chute, and there you go-simple, right?" However, just the audacity to turn around and tell me, in other words, they WERE REALLY SAYING "Oh, sorry, I don't want to do it, so you have to do it yourself."

And when you have that one thing you never knew how to do and tell the narcissist that you don’t know how to do it, you will likely be met with shame and even ridicule with them telling you to your face that you are incompetent and they’ll say something along the lines _“Oh why is it always me that has to do everything around here!”_

“You’re so much better at doing this than I am” or “You love doing this” or “You don’t let me do it, you always complain about the way I do it.” There was always an excuse! My boyfriend “cleaned” like his wrists were broken. Everything was left to me 🤬 He even bragged to me how he had a co-corker peel an orange for him because he was hungry but didn’t want to peel it 🙄

My mother was like this & she would REFUSE to learn, especially when it came to tech stuff. I cut her off completely 5 yrs ago and I often wonder if she decided to figure out how to work her phone and iPad, or if she just continues to find boyfriends to do it for her. It has also inspired me to be the opposite- wherever possible, I learn how to do the thing. My partner is highly skilled when it comes to DIY skills, but I watched KZfaq videos how to use our drill to anchor our dressers to protect our toddler because it needed to be done. I’m not going to feign ignorance even to the stuff I don’t know, I’m going to get the help I need to figure it out. It has made our relationship better since I started making these efforts because he has taken more initiative with tasks that use to fall on me as well. You CAN outgrow your narcissistic upbringing!

Its worst when its being done deliberately to be spiteful and undermining, just to test someone's patience, intelligence & integrity for their sick and weird amusement its absolutely the strangest thing people do to feed their need to critique another person's life. Its truly sad people feel the need to play mind games with someone and try to discredit or deny what has been experienced.

My husband (now ex) took our son out for a walk, when he was still just a toddler. It was usually me who did it , but I had a migraine. He (our son) fell over a rock and came back crying with a large bruise on his forehead. When I asked what happened, apparently it was my fault, because my dear hubby was "so used to me being there" to keep an eye on our son that he hadn't been doing it. He had "just assumed that he was keeping up." I didn't know what narcissism was at the time, and I cringe to remember how, after being subjected to some pretty intense blame shifting, I ended up apologising to him. 😖

I like the term ‘weaponised incompetence’. The Narc will deliberately drop a tactical nuke and leave the victim(s) to clear up ground zero AND THEN blame the victim(s) for forcing them to drop the bomb.

Every time you post a new video it’s like you live in my house and have witnessed my reality. Thank you 🙏

Does anyone here have any narcissistic family or friends who offer their help to you when you're down and out but you can feel them judging you the entire time that you're accepting their "help"? So they come to your "aid" when you are at your lowest point in life just to condemn you for all the life choices you made that brought you to the point they are in a position to help you but somehow their help ends up making you feel even worse about yourself and or your situation somehow worsens due to their interference in a bizarre twist of fate despite all their "assistance?"

Oh my God. I could barely watch this. And still haven't made it completely through. This is 1000% my sister! She is this in every area of her life, especially money. I have bailed her out so many times financially, doing things for her, etc. and I won't do it again. Here is a great example. A few years ago she received a certification for medical records from a college in her area. But she never paid the final fee so they withheld her certificate. She lied on a resume about having it and when they made her show it she didn't have it. She was TOO LAZY to drive to the college a few miles away and get it handled in person. And of course she blames the college for this! She also has a house I helped her buy 20 years ago that has fallen in total disrepair. Of course it is the houses fault, not hers. But she does have every closet filled with clothes and subscribes to a very expensive makeup and facial cream company. Lord help us all having to deal with these people.

Amen! My ex was a pro at this, it made me crazy! I even overheard her tell a friend of hers, “all you have to do is act and/or say you can’t do something long enough and someone will to do it.” 🤬

Thank you Dr. Ramani for giving this a name. I've seen it in action at home for years while the narc is fully in charge in public. Just another part of the sh-t list of living with a narc.

Thank you for explaining that. This is one of those maddening little things that victims often cannot put into words. This happens so often. It’s heartwarming to hear someone explaining our pain.

If you know you “can’t” do something, you don’t get to put that responsibility on somebody else. Be an adult and learn how to do it.

Lol this literally describes my fathers daily behavior. He's very intelligent but plays the games you described so it makes him look and sound dumb af. What's worse is when I call out the ridiculous behavior he will keep doing the wrong thing over and over again and act like it's my fault even though he is making his situation worse by being self-destructive.Which follows with more weaponized incompetence. Here's an example. I asked him to turn the front porch light on for me at night so when I come home from work I am not walking around in the dark for my safety. The restroom is located by the light switch for the front porch. He avoided going to the restroom and urinated all over himself just so he could say, "Oh, I haven't been near that part of the house so I never had a chance"

Thank you for this video. You are so right. I experienced weaponised incompetence from my n-ex throughout our marriage. He claimed to be completely incompetent with any practical task, so that I had to do it. He also refused to pay for anyone else to do it. So, I ended up having to learn how to do pretty extensive DIY tasks to be able to repair, maintain and improve our home. I single-handedly renovated two homes, including getting up on the roof to repair it, manoeuvre heavy materials and equipment on my own etc. My n-ex would stand around, saying he didn't know how to help, but when I offered to show him so that we would do it together he would offer to make me a cup of tea and then disappear. Later, this shifted to him blaming me for any problems with our house. Even though I worked full-time I had to do this on top of my job. I think he also used his 'incompetence' as opportunities to try to accidentally kill me eg switching on the electricity at the main fuse box when I was replacing a socket and refusing to climb a short ladder to help me down when I fell on some scaffolding because of his supposed fear of heights. I agree with you that a covert narcissist is the last person we'd want to be stranded on a desert island with.

One way I've seen incompetence used is when they do something incorrectly, then blame you. You didn't tell them, or you didn't say it needed to be done THAT way. From that point on, they now have an excuse to never do that task again because they "can never get it right because you're so picky." So you adjust and try to "make sure" they understand what they're supposed to do beforehand. Except now you're blamed for treating them like a child, or not trusting them. So that becomes their excuse for not stepping up. Seriously, you can't solve this problem. There's always another excuse, and it'll always be your fault.

I agree about "grit" and "hustle" being no substitute, no matter how intelligent or how big you talk. And that's really the tragedy of narcissists. All that energy they put into manipulation and trying to appear great could actually be used to make them as great as they want to be!

a few years ago, i was choking on a cough-drop at home in our bedroom. i told my wife to do the hymlic on me but she was worried about my chocking and said that it couldn't be done till i passed out (wrong!). then my airway was completely blocked and i wasn't going to wait! so i did my own hymlic using the end of the dresser.

There's an old Japanese saying: whatever you do or are doing, make sure you do a good job. It's so ridiculously simple yet so true.

This brings back a memory when I was a young teen. My sister’s boyfriend was acting like a baby saying he didn’t know how to iron his shirt. So she did it for him. After she left the room. He laughed smugly and said he just said that so she would do it for him. Looking back. My sister was a stunning beautiful girl who loved him. He was a tall handsome player. I didn’t think much at the time because she was mean and hateful toward me. Looking back we waste our pearls because there are no good options. No protection in life. Or little. The story gets much worse from there. 😢

These people are a nightmare. They exist to make everyone around them miserable.

"Weaponized Incompetence" is the perfect description of government. Any government.

This is my husband! He always told me it was his ex who was a narcissist but I’m beginning to see it’s him too. He has admitted to me that he used to do things badly and pretend not to know how to do stuff so he didn’t have to do them again. It’s the exact same here. He hasn’t got a clue.

The emotional incompetence though!!! Im still figuring all of this out, but I think that my doing all the emotional lifting in the relationship contributed to my becoming lost in this strange abyss while he appears to be the stand-up, hard working guy.

Oh my. One week into my marriage he comment that the grapefruit I served was not segmented for him. "But my mother always did it." I knew he wanted to stay in his little nest. I also knew I could not afford to have a child with him. I would not reproduce a double.

For a few years I really did think he was stupid.

Once you know about narcissism, you can’t unsee it lol 10 months with a narc and NEVER again.

OMG!!! 😮😮😮 Have I EVER experienced this!?!?! 😠😡🤬 I do love the term “weaponized incompetence”. ❤️ So on point. 👈

Agree, I experienced it almost everyday with my spouse...so draining and sickening sad to say.😢

And then they are offended bc you treat them like a child and don't want us to see them as stupid haha

Hi Dr Ramani and everyone. They will use any excuse in the book to get out of doing something. It's pretty sad when a grown man tells a woman to push a car out in the snow & ice. Yes, I pushed the car while his ass was in there steering! 😭

THIS!!!! I heard this phrase for the first-time last week and I've been hoping Dr. Ramani would do a video. This is the preferred gas lighting technique of my 50-year marriage. It's only gotten worse since his retirement eight years ago. It's decidedly more noticeable since we are together almost 24/7 All the things we were going to get done so we could travel are delayed or screwed up in such a way as to cost more time and money than they should have. I'm so tired of it and his fragile ego I no longer have any desire to get things prepped for aging in place nor going anywhere with him. Especially not on an extended trip.

Not only weaponized incompetence but husband also asks me to drop everything and help him with things that only need one person to do!

Sometimes they're complete know-it-alls. In others, they break out the woe-is-me victim repertoire. Whatever suits the circumstance. Just as they love passing on their emotional tensions, they love passing on basic personal responsibilities that have nothing to do with other people. For example, my covert narc mom is money- and status-obsessed and lives in a huge house she can't afford on her own, and tries to guilt and shame her kids into helping her with it physically and with money. Complains how everything is so expensive, and how it's the politicians' fault blah blah. If you politely tell her she can't afford the house and it's her own responsibility, then she gets nasty and gaslights about people doing what makes them happy, etc. No accountability. They're sick and won't change.

This weaponized incompetence was a huge feature in my marriage to my narc. “I hated finger painting as a child” meant he wouldn’t prep food, clean up dishes, or clean toilets…anything that might involve getting his hands wet, even with gloves on! I knew it was bs, but you can’t win!

“Nobody told me nothing” is my soon to be ex narcs favorite response to get out of doing something. He’s smart but toxic & lazy.

I literally just got in a fight with my narcissistic ex just yesterday and accused him of using weaponized incompetence in order to get out of having to be held accountable for things he is guilty of and he said, "Weaponized incompetence, what's that?!" And I said, "You're doing it right now, acting like you don't understand what weaponized incompetence is." And he said, "What are you talking about!?" 😒🙄🤦‍♀️

My 39 year old narc ex used to complain he nearly fainted driving home from work because he hadn’t eaten all day because I didn’t make him sandwiches in the morning. (Baring in mind he would stay in bed while I was getting my son ready for school when he could have easily made himself sandwiches) but he said he wasn’t good at making us own sandwiches wtaf. Needless to say he’s gone now - moved back in with his mother & my son & I have peaceful mornings before school ❤

I am having such a hard time in my life right now, trying to navigate my mother. She is 65 and has literally been “sick” all of our lives. I watched her feign incompetence all of my life and saw how it affected everyone in the family (my dad and us five kids). Everything was left to my dad because she was always “too sick.” After my dad passed away 7 yrs ago, it was a huge loss. She has not functioned since then, but we see it more like she never functioned and now he is not here to compensate for it anymore. She goes to the hospital all the time, they run tests, maybe give her an antibiotic and send her home. The cycle continues. She won’t cook, clean, won’t bath (it has been years, no exaggeration) and doesn’t even wash her hands. There’s so much to the situation and because no one has ever heard of anyone behaving this way, I am at a loss of what to do. She isn’t suicidal and isn’t actively trying to hurt herself or anyone else. She simply is choosing not to function and saying it’s because of one ailment or another. Her lack of participation in life effects me because I have to worry about her, do things she should be doing and I am so overwhelmed. My sister has suggested that she is a narcissist a long time ago and for some reason I resisted the idea. This idea of weaponized incompetence I have heard of before but for some reason never applied it to this situation. I am very overwhelmed and lost, the medial system is failing her and no one knows what to do. She is angry and entitled and saying that my dismissal of her “medical problems” is abusive. She is the perpetual victim. I was even considering munchausens as a possibility, because she has always been in the sick role. Funny thing is, she has never had any serious health issues like cancer/diabetes/etc. she barely even gets a cold! I can analyze and speculate all day, but it’s not helping anything. just wanted to see if anyone had any thoughts or knows someone similar 😢

For too many years I was genuinely confused - How was it my INCREDIBLY successful ex-husband (educated, wealthy, and in a position of great responsibility, power, and influence) could be so WILDLY capable in his work, but he could never “get” how to do simple manual labor?!? He’s so SMART, but over and over again couldn’t “remember” that his go to behaviors to “win” in his work scenarios are emotionally destroying when he uses them against me? Once I clocked the pattern to his (selectively applied) *FEIGNED* incompetence and finally pushed back on the inconsistencies (by saying, “I noticed that…) our 25 year relationship quickly fell apart. When I could no longer be manipulated, he was DONE with me.

Is it still considered weaponized incompetence if they don't do the things and they always have some excuse as to why they didn't? My ex would leave dishes in the sink in the morning always saying "I don't have time to wash them" (meanwhile I know she sat on social media for 20-30min at a time in the morning) or leave boxes by the front door saying things like "my hands were full" and I would constantly have to be the one to wash her dishes when I got home or take the boxes/trash out. I also later found out from her old coworkers that, if I didn't wash her dishes and just left them, she would complain to them that I didn't wash her dishes but I washed mine (yes, I was being petty because it was so frequent even after I mentioned it to her multiple times). Now that's not to say that she sometimes didn't do those things but, way more often than not, I was the one cleaning up after her.

My ex husband was supposed to do A feeding while I rested and he actually fell asleep and melted the bottle. I was so afraid for my son of course I took over. My son is an adult now and that’s exactly what he says that I DIDN’T LET HIM CARE for our son!! He’s 💯 a narcissist. Gaslighting is his best weapon along with being a pathological liar and betrayer. He is absolutely TOXIC!

I've worked with enough of those individuals (two-bit talentless sales reps etc) to know they do not know what they are doing. They try to cover up their utter ineptitude with bluff, bluster and BS, and when that fails then along comes the embarrassingly predictable tantrums.

Forty plus years ago, I entered the workforce. Weaponized incompetence was a familiar behaviorist pattern limited to a small number of employees. Then a cultural shift happened, employees attitudes seemed more entitled, I noticed more effort to avoid work and less effort to do the work. Unfortunately, I was one of the employees that over functioned to ensure safe and secure patient care and pick up the slack. My genuine efforts also came with sides of: insomnia, exhaustion, anger, anxiety, mistrust, moodiness, and unhappiness. Last year I retired, best decision I made in years. For those who over function to compensate for the entitled, please continue to listen to Dr. Ramani and her incredible work, so that you are less likely to repeat my mistakes.

Sounds passive aggressive so the responsibility never falls on the narc again

For the most part, I no longer have to deal with those types of situations but in the past, after a while I would create 'instructions' for the so-called 'incompetent' person that didn't involve calling me for help. When they complained that they did not know how to do something I would point to the instructions and if that didn't work, tell them to operate as if I were dead bc if I were dead they would have to figure it out, and if they couldn't would be unable to complain to me about it! 😅

Fascinating and heartbreaking. This describes my now-senior mother to a T. Now that she can't rely on my dad to do things for her, it often falls on me or my brother. If I'm available and refuse, she scoffs. If I ask her why she didn't do it herself, she says "that's man's work." Seemingly... anything she doesn't like to do is "man's work." This also includes the many times that she has offered to do things for me, but right at the last minute something falls through, there isn't enough money to do the thing, or people weren't notified/scheduled. This usually results in an argument similar to the "but you didn't tell me exactly *when* you needed [the thing]" or any other combination of excuses. Like, maybe it was to schedule a moving truck, but she offered to ask her friend if they could borrow their truck... the day comes, everything is packed up and ready to go... and nope, at the last minute "they couldn't do it, they'll have to do it some other time." (It's likely that the person wasn't even contacted.) The worst of this is that I learned this behavior myself. We were in a bubble, and I remember learning at a certain point that being all talk was just what people did. And from watching my parents' behaviors, I could also get out of doing the dishes if it just took forever to do them, or maybe something got broken... Or maybe if I fumble with this thing long enough, someone will see and take over. That was my childhood. And it extended into my young-adulthood, promising people things that never came to fruition and then having to make a million apologies or return checks, and burning bridges along the way. Interestingly, it has crossed over into a diagnosis with ADHD, and another video I watched about narcissists had mentioned something about how being raised by a narcissist can affect a child's executive function, and undoing that can take a lot of neural rewiring... I suspect there is a strong link between kids raised by narcissists and eventual ADHD diagnoses, so now it has been something I have had to actively call myself out on and do the work. I am really happy to have a partner from a different type of family system that didn't allow that sort of thing, so it's actually refreshing to learn how to do things well, take responsibility, and reparent myself with the right skills and tools. I love doing things for myself and learning new skills, and really being a useful person when someone needs me. But man, anytime I have to interact with my mother after being exposed to normal behavior outside the family bubble, it works on my last nerve because I know I either have to "do the thing" or brace myself for some passive-aggressive nonsense that usually builds to an argument it's allowed to build. Realizing the narcissist connection over the past few years has been a real challenge, but I'm glad Dr. Ramani has been here to help me discover the right path out of the illusion.

OMG this is so true. I just read the title and was like "YEP"

Years ago I worked with a woman who convinced me she was too busy to do her job, so like a chump, I offered to help. Guess what happened? Her work got dumped on me while she did nothing, making way more money than I did. She couldn’t do the job because she was completely incompetent, but for whatever reason, people (flying monkeys) believed her. When I finally spoke up - guess what happened. SMEAR CAMPAIGN! I had to quit. She took it so far it infiltrated my family life. Suddenly asking my cousin (who happened to live next door to her - small town), to hang out. She actually sent people to our house to pretend like they wanted to purchase it when we decided to move. It was such a nightmare experience. It’s over a decade later and I’m still dealing with the repercussions of telling someone I wasn’t going to do their job for them anymore. She even convinced people SHE was doing MY job when it was so obvious she wasn’t. She promoted, but she was so incompetent they had to hire her an assistant and that person got all her work dumped on her. It makes me just sick. I will NEVER understand why people blindly believe narcissists. Why can’t people see through that?? Like look at facts!

Thank you for this video! I see this in my mother so often. The length she will go to with acting incompetent or even stupid in order to be lazy or avoid taking accountability is shocking. Doctor Ramani, you have helped me heal more than I can tell you. Thank you for this. You are one of the only people I can find who is distinguishing the "vulnerable narcissist". As someone who grew up with a single caretaker who is a vulnerable narcissist, your information and advice about these people is invaluable. Thank you, thank you, thank you! To anyone out there struggling with your own narcissist, stay strong. Learn about why they do what they do and how to handle it. Get away if you can. You are not alone and all of us who know what you're going through are rooting for you.

My mother did this in regards to emotional support: if I ever needed comfort (like if I was bullied or injured or just sad about something) she would suddenly act like she had no idea how emotions work - I KNEW on a core level that a mother should hug her kids, soothe them, let them know that they are loved by someone who is sad when they are sad. My mother would turn into a brick wall and say “I don’t know what you want from me / I don’t know what you want me to say / I’m just not good at this emotional stuff” Even when I was like EIGHT, I smelled bullshit. My mother is a smart woman. I knew she knew what I needed emotionally from her and was enjoying witholding it and playing dumb, and if I tried to call her on it, I would be the bad guy for making her feel like a bad mother when clearly I should be more understanding of her lack of skills that she couldn’t help. When I tried to be understanding and tell her “look, I’ll understand if you don’t know what to say. I don’t expect a perfect speech that fixes everything. Just please, show me that you care when bad things happen to me. Even just saying “I love you and I am here even if I don’t know how to fix it or say the right thing” And she would stare hard anywhere but at me, looking angry and disdainful, then repeat her ridiculously bullshit claims of “just not understanding this stuff”

The level of manipulation some people exhibit with their incompetence is like watching a villain in a movie. They've turned shirking responsibilities into a devious art form.

All I used to hear "I don't know anything about it" and "I don't care". 30 yrs of marriage, I do everything, all the housework, parenting, finances, shopping, gardening, you name it, I do it. Early on he would try to do things but when they didn't work out he would never touch it again. He still can't figure out how to attach something to an email, despite being shown how to do it multiple times. I am so very, very tired. When he does "help" or do something successfully he has to be praised to the ends of the Earth for it and you hear about it for ever afterwards. Any time I complain, about anything, he will trot out every tiny thing he's ever done to counter it. He once said, after we were already married, " we're a team, so long as one of us is doing it" . I knew right then and there that I had made a terrible mistake. Is there any way to fix a narcissist? He totally refuses to ever admit there might be anything wrong with him at all. Finding out about all this has been so validating, most of it/ ways to handle it I had already worked out, but I had no words to describe it.

'Why can't the grown ass person figure it out' 💯 correct

How many are hired for their incompetence, to insure their superiors keep their 'superior' position? Awesome video Dr. Ramani! You'll save a lot of folks a ton of frustration with this one.

I love this channel. Thank you, I'm in a pretty awful situation and your info is making me feel grounded.

I've had to experience this with Narcissists in the work place. It's the worst. They ruin everything they touch and you as a fellow worker who's involved and cares about outcomes, when you try to block them from being involved, doing that damage, they shift the focus on you as being the problem blocking them for personal reasons and not allowing them to put their hands on. They get out of having to do the task and they are good at blaming you to management and often are very successful at making YOU the villain having done this to them. The solution seems to be to let them sink the ship, keep the evidence of who did what, and even then it's difficult because management who was responsible for hiring them, and not wanting to look bad for hiring the narcissist will fight to stay in denial. I've seen management BLAME the responsible people on staff for not compensating, supervising the narcissist. As usual the best solution is to try and find a way to distance yourself from the narcissist in the work place, float them off on their own raft. Don't let management make YOU responsible for them which ends up being a common practice in workplaces that have poor management.

This really hit home. In one of my relationships, *my* initiative was met with negative consequences, which added to the mind F-ery. Weaponized incompetence was also combined with weaponized ignorance, locking in the cycle of feeling the need to help them even more.