Granny, Same with me. You and I seem to put a lot into relationships. We are really hard to come by. Most people don't care. I aim to please but also want to be pleased. I am showing people the way to be as well as meaningful in what I do. People don't want to catch on. It's a choice. You must be a great person. I will appreciate all the times you did and others didn't do for you. I feel that is my choice. 👌 Don't let them bring you down cause its too easy for us to fall for it if we don't take the time to look and notice how we are treated and if it is acceptable. Lots of times it is not acceptable. We have to be true to ourselves.

Granny, me too. We mean well and they cant take it, so what. We at least gave a sh-t for people when they didn't even care about themselves.

You inspire me. I feel you have been down a long road with this one and came out with dignity and sanity. Bless you for sharing your words.

It's great you have that insight. Love is willing the good of the other person. But first, we have to discern the TRUE good of the other person. We have to realize, 'This other person is OTHER. He or she is NOT ME.' And then you have to listen - a lot, silently, openly - and MAYBE you'll have the insight to realize what's truly good for them and be able to help with that. But we always have to respect the other person as OTHER. They are - as Dr Carter says - responsible for themselves. They have to decide. I've found - after some 30 years working with young adults - that most people don't want advice 'what to do,' even if they ask for that. And most people don't want to be rescued and shown 'what I would do is what you should do.' Most people actually know what they want; they know how they want the situation they are in to resolve; and deep down, they know the hard steps they might have to take to make that situation come about. I ask all the time, 'Well, what do you think?' Especially when they say, 'I don't know what to do?' it's much more efficient to say, 'What are some things you know you CANNOT do to resolve this?' than to throw out ten ideas that I think might work. Helping them list all the ways they simply CANNOT deal with this situation for whatever reason, allows them to narrow down their options to the point that you say, 'Well, what's left that you CAN do to resolve this? Is there any small first step you can take here?' They will almost always supply it. And if they don't - be silent, because they may be wrestling with accepting something like, 'I've got to give up on my mother and simply separate' or 'I've got to accept that this is not what I should be pursuing and make a major change in my studies/career goals' or 'I've got to admit my problem and get professional help.' The best thing you can possibly do for people is LISTEN. Listen openly, non-judgementally, and SILENTLY in the sense that your brain is quiet; you're not thinking of all the 'help' you can give and the one-and-only solution that you're going to provide. You are just OPEN, receiving, listening. Maybe ask a question that helps them clarify ('Now, I'm confused; why is that not an option in your situation?') and accept what they say. Most people just need to work through their chaotic thoughts that are all blended up with emotions and conflicting values and attachments... Just LISTEN, be that person who has all the time in the world and is never busy and has nothing better to do than just being here, LISTENING, for as long as it takes. You'll quickly be able to discern the difference between the people who deep down know what they must do and have the courage to do it, versus the people who will just complain and complain and never see their own responsibility for themselves and their lives and take some steps in the right direction. Let go of the ones who are just a hamster spinning that same wheel of 'Poor me and my sad situation; it's everyone else's fault.' Be there for the ones who are truly taking responsibility for their lives and just need someone to LISTEN, truly hear who they are and where they are. At the end, you may just give them a hug and say, 'I'll pray for you.' They have to do it themselves. But just by listening so openly and with true concern, you do them a world of good and they grow into themselves instead of being an automaton marching to your orders.

Figaro Hey! WISE ADVICE & IDEAS. I’m usually one sharing with people what I’ve been through and what worked for me.. or what I’ve read and trusted the suggested advice would help them. I really want to just LISTEN.. but feel like I “should” share with them, some options they haven’t thought of. But I like what you basically said. Have them come up with their own solutions, and know the difference about what they can fix, themselves.. and what they can’t. Anyway.. I’m going to really try to use these questions.. along with just trying to LISTEN.. without any suggestions.

I hear you, Kay. Boundaries are a lifetime work for me.

Well stated. Dr. C

@@DrLesCarter I'm glad you approve. The distinction made an enormous change in my understanding and personal situations. I like to help people but I must also recognize my limits and not be afraid to say so.

How do you turn it off though?

Peaceful Warrior Care ... from a distance.

you can care about some one who is trying to ruin your life. You need to understand them enough to stay away from them. You can forgive them but never forget. forgiveness ( caring to only that point) does more for you than them.

@@patmanchester8045 Exactly!

This sums everything up. 😁👍

I agree.

I agree too

I agree....... ♥️

Time to start figuring out boundaries. Dr. C

I am in therapy, so maybe that is where we are heading.

Also the 3/1 guide line can help sometimes. When I get bad mojo from someone n I am conscious I can do three activities for me n then 1 for them... OR, I could think about myself 3 times before I indulge in thinking about them 1 time... If 3/1 is too hard try 1/1. If 3/1 is too much attention to them try 5/1 or 10/1... I even have done 3 days for me and 1 day “with/for” them. I say this as one who’s suffered from abandonment feelings / codependency/ over fixation on others as I was highly trained in this as a kid n it happens as a habit with me so a ratio tool has helped me be healthier. It really works for sexual relationships where energy can get soo strong soo quickly. It’s like a pressure release value. Hope it helps. Dr Les’s channel is such a nice vibe n good learnings all around from him as a great co/leader and us subscribers, co/learners, too. A great model for what healthy exchanges look like exudes here. Gratitude 🙏🏽

HOW. Seriously. HOW?

Good advice.

@@fingerprint5511 sometimes just keeping that thought in mind (when you are going through something with someone you would usually absorb from), will help you begin to re-shape your thinking

@@watcherwlc53 you won't believe this but I was just reflecting on the mind and how corrupted it is with negativity and this alert from you appeared. Blessings for you and thank you 🙂🙏

so true, ...challenging to do in the moment though. I made the same point earlier about the news. That we should watch but not get emotionally sucked in

Oh, I see! Me too! I did the same thing with my Narc sister! Every time I read a post of yours, I connect with you SO much! I tried to find your book. Where can I buy it? Good to see you here again - I really like you.

@@OceanSound100 The name of my book is "Narcissism: Second Timothy Three is Here." by Gwendolyn Wehage. It can be found on Amazon, Barns and Noble and also on Ebay.

@@gwendolynwehage6336 I could not find it on eBay but saw it on Amazon. I read a bit about it on Amazon. I was going to do my book based on Christian beliefs too because how can we not. I see your book is based on it a lot and I agree. I am Christian too.

@@OceanSound100 Yes, since I am a Christian I want to base everything I think about this matter of narcissism on the Bible. The term "Narcissism" is not in the Bible, it comes from Greek Mythology but the concept of excessive self love is in the Bible in 2 Timothy 3. Even the seculars get some things right in their observances even if they don't always have the right solutions. We can all see the behavior and effects of narcissism in our culture, its on steroids today because of the 40 years of self esteem teaching in the schools. Our generation is so full of themselves they are difficult to reason with. I call this the "irrational" generation.

@@gwendolynwehage6336 It has become so out of control I agree. All the selfies and obsession with looks along with the disregard for others is painful - absolutely! My Narcissistic brother and I had a bad discussion on email the past week and it is over with us now. My heart hurts pretty much from it. I have to get your book and stay in touch with you. I have so many books to catch up on though, but I would love to stay in touch and talk about yours. I saw you on another channel but forgot which one it was. KZfaq is fascinating with so much information. New times for sure. The Aquarian Age is here! Take care of yourself!

Amen !

We need a daily reminder on our cells for just that.

Feel it.

Exactly! Too many people forget that WE CAN RETRAIN OURSELVES. We can accomplish so much that way including balance and self esteem.

I get what you're saying. Sometimes there is a loneliness when you are deeply devoted to tenderness. Dr. C

Deborah Carroll I hear you. In the last couple weeks I have had epiphanies and moments of transcendence. It’s been extraordinary and I had bliss and felt love, like I’d always been seeking in others. Part of my connecting and feeling in relation to others, when it was Codependent...was actually a cry to reconnect to myself. We often become disconnected from what we need in order to try to meet others needs. A true healer is connected to themself, authentic, treats themselves as they would a small child (kindness, no negative internal dialogue loops, good pure nutrition, enough outside time, adequate sleep, time to create, enough exercise and outside time)...then they actually can be healing and have good boundaries in place. Codependents often are seeking to control and have unresolved trauma...it takes some digging, but is there. Codependent no more, by Melodie Beattie, is one of the best books. Another great resource on KZfaq is Personal Development School, by Thais Gibson. She’s changed my life. More revelations than from multiple counselors over the decades. Eckhart Tolle is a great resource too. I am a recovered Codependent, who has empathy, but firm boundaries in place...with no need for anyone else to meet my needs or approve of me. I love myself and am living in the present, limiting expectations to very basic... it is revolutionary and empowering. Blessings🌸

I have found that bible studies are a great way to connect with other quality empathic people. Ours usually makes plans to hang out with each other and do fun things. There are great people out there, you just have to know the places to find them. Volunteering is also another great way to meet people. Oftentimes we are so busy with our own lives(or should be) that we dont have a ton of time for anyone else, but the little spare time we do have can be spent with other good people. I feel one of lifes huge lessons is learning to be comfortable walking alone, and also of letting go.

I am an empath too. The hardest bridge to cross is self-acceptance. We just have to find a way to love ourselves. No one understands us fully. We must understand ourselves and love ourselves no matter what.

Where does one go to be assigned a % of empath?

@Deborah Carroll, I found the Myers-Briggs personality test gave clarity to my social aptitude. Give it a shot and i do feel right in saying to recommend it to others :) And remember, you're not alone, it's just that other like minded, are shy

Yes to what you say. BTW, a couple of weeks ago I recorded a podcast with Henry Cloud. Not sure when or where it will be aired, but if you are on his podcast list, keep an ear out. Dr. c

Yes let me on the bus let that was the best story ! You thik smart and loving and show us how to not . Be used like a supply . !.

Yes! This is great Lori Buonamici! I believe empaths have a gift and it's to pray for the person when we feel the pain. Then I ask God to cleanse me of it, and I usually feel ok after a bit. It's not the easiest gift, but a needed one in this world-and what a blessing for others who need empathy, which is practically non existant today.

@@rhondajones6219 Thank you for your comment, to feel with other people, you even have their feelings and feel their pain, and you will have to give it over to God and leave it at His feet.

@@rhondajones6219 iINFJ, Sigma, Empath - it is very difficult - my children primarily & grandchildren - I have health issues now & can’t FIX everything.😞

Judy Lee very true. I’ve been following this channel and several others. One that has spoken to childhood issues, trauma, and how it affects our adult connection and attachment...is Personal Development School, by Thais Gibson (also on KZfaq) She has changed my life! My thinking has changed and I feel so empowered now. It’s a process, so I’ll keep at it. Recovering Codependent here😬 Blessings 🌸

Sending you positive vibes for your personal building. We're all works in progress, so you are not alone in that. Thank you for sharing. @@Alphacentauri819

Me too.!

The people in front of you are not necessarily fools. You just have to retain a knowledge of self when dealing with others.

You are going to love the book ... it became my bible .. hope it brings you as much as it gave me 🙏

I learned so much from that book, it's a great read and re-read.

Me too I want this book, love this guy

so lessen is what ?

Well said!

What a wonderful breakthrough!

Yes, and thanks for sharing this! Dr. C

If you have to have a flaw, this isn't the worst. I get what you are saying, Shelly. Keep grinding it out! You're an inspiration. Dr. C

@@DrLesCarter Thank you so much. ❤

Exactly! I’m practicing saying “No” & setting boundaries. It’s hard to change a lifetime habit. 😪

Everyday !

Virgie - that is a wonderful quality (I don’t care what anyone says, LOL😜). As long as you seek friendships with those who in turn care that YOU feel important. They are out there - even if you have to hunt for them.💕

@@davisholman8149 thank you. I need to hunt for them, you're right because I don't. Lol 😆. Hahaha! I need to go out there and mingle.

you care for your useless ego ...... just problem with that, if you cared for most bigger purpose than you were worthy to have with.

@@davisholman8149 i must hunt for them. I agree.

@@UnlimitlesslyFunnyDude i don't understand what you mean. What ego are you talking about and what bigger purpose are you talking about? Please be specific. You seem out of topic.

Good way to put it! Dr. C

fuc^ that deepness ..... lol

fuc^ that deepness ..... lol

Peaceful Warrior Yes, there is a middle road. We just have to find and try to stay on it. ❤️

How is your health affected?

@@dasein9980 anxiety, self sabotage, self abandonment, aches and pains, low energy, guilt, shame, confusion. But I'm aware and work with it.

@@fingerprint5511 I have developed health problems while dealing with a narcissistic person as well. Very possible. Many of the ones that you mentioned.

just need to manipulate parents/evil people, nothing more

By the way, this goes for listening as well as actions. I won't let someone who wouldn't give me the time of day dump all of their negative emotions on me.

@@MsLibertyorDeath good rule. I wonder if Dr. C approves?

@@dasein9980 I don't know but it works for me. There was a time that I moved from one codependent relationship to the next and I was always doing things for "friends." When I was at my lowest and neediest, I learned who my true friends are. No one that I had tried to "save" was among them.

Ok...I'm weighing in. I'm ok with what Auntie Madder is saying. If you detect the other person is not willing to invest in the relationship, then it makes no sense to try to make it happen anyway. To be called a relationship, it needs to be a two way street. Dr. C

why are you proud of being empath .... empaths are not newton ! or not intelligently make any scientifically contribution to mankind !

Yes, I have the same situation but other way round.

fuc^ freinds ...... just learn not to care, about anything ! and be happy because too much caring people are always unhappy, not in peace ... !

I though that if I push people away I will be able to take care of myself. at least you care for yourself ... most people don't care about their mental health ever !

same thing happens over and over ...... with emapathetic people

I'll second that excellent suggestion Melanie.

@@jo-annahicks3324 Woo hoo!

It's so encouraging when I learn the videos prompt an awakened mind. Dr. C

Received! Dr. C

Received, with gratitude! Dr. C

Recieved and blessed from it.

Narcissists prolly do not like you. I'm sorry about that, you are very helpful to the ones they hurt. We are better because of your videos soo thank you from the bottom of my 💖 heart.❣🌞🥀

Thank you, Esther. Dr. C

I know me too! But every full moon I turn into a werewolf;)

were you not allowed as a child to establish boundaries?

@@brusselsprout5851That is a great observation, Judy. Even teachers do not see that. When my son was in elementary school, there was a thing going on with stickers. The teacher would have a whole box of them - different pictures and different sayings. The teacher went up to my son one too many times and "tried" to stick a sticker on my son's shirt. My son delicately and without insult moved her hand away so she could not do that. What did the teacher do? She reported my son to the principal and I was called in. I simply said "No one has the right to stab a sticker on you without your permission. Maybe he did not want that sticker on him" She stared at me.

The right to say NO is huge. You are so correct, and not only do the schools seem to believe people don't have that right but anymore the whole systems is from that mind. Uh, yes, no is an option. Thank you for sharing this story about righteous boundaries. @@OceanSound100

@@brusselsprout5851 You're welcome Judy! SO many people here but I read another post of yours - you are smart! Not that I'm the judge LoL

Yes, which is a good reason to keep focused on your good boundaries. Dr. C

people are build to take advantage of who aare showing themselves weak, not strong no one can take advantage of people who are always showing themselves strong/high, not weak

Yes but we also must share our battles and to share how we learned to recieve and comprehend help so as to help those still suffering from "battling"

Keep ur distance. Why can yt u live separately?

Omg you rock thank you! Reading down the line of comments, finally actual substance, thank you!

and if it feels toxic have a planned escape route.

there's nothing wrong in realizing somebody's head is not healthy for your own.

I guess in her world, nice was an unknown. Dr. C

Battery

but you care so much ......... lol