SPOT ON!! I related to ALL of this!! THANK YOU! Especially the part when you said that they use your past hurts from family members against you to isolate you. That happened to me for years Literally this whole video was me

People also need to realize not every victim is the crying woman curled up in a ball we see portrayed in movies. Alot of women will fight back and stand up for themselves until they have no fight left in them. You start acting like the abuser in many ways. It changes who you are. It becomes normal to be called names everyday and fight and argue everyday. That is your life. You slowly lose yourself and become a person you don’t recognize anymore.

My ex was so abusive that I wound up hospitalized and almost died bc of him. Then after I left, my mental health was so bad that I ended up hospitalized two more times. I'm fully recovered now after two years of consistent therapy. There is hope.

the worst part is when i finally stand up to myself and physically defend myself i am potrayed as the bad person to his family

Some times the abused ends up isolating themselves, because they are so ashamed that they ended up in this kind of relationship. They become so depleted of energy from trying to emotional regulate themselves and the abuser, that they have nothing left for most others. The abused might be severely ashamed of themselves because they can't believe they allowed them selves to become victim. By the time one realizes they have been emotionally abused, they might have no where to go.

You left out the financial independence. It's hard to pay rent in a lot of cities these days if you're not educated or have a low-skill job. If your abuser can keep a roof over your head it makes it harder to pull away.

One of the hardest things about getting support as a man is that everyone assumes you're the abuser. This assumption isn't just hurtful and insulting, it's terrifying. You're terrified that you'll lose your family, your friends, your job, maybe even your freedom

Abuse isn't just between romantic partners. I recently had to cut a close friend out of my life because she was becoming very emotionally abusive.

Emotional Abuse was so much harder to accept. My mom was in denial with how bad she was being treated and it was our normal. Just because there were no physical scars it made us feel like we’re the problem and we just needed to do better.

Discussing reactive abuse may be a very informative addition. Another idea is how we can carry abusive patterns into otherwise healthy relationships after experiencing abuse.

I will never forget the day I went as a Man to the YWCA and talked to a counselor and she handed me a page with the 4 types of abuse on it and pointed out to me I was experiencing 2 of them. I learned that day that men too can be abused. That was the day I decided I was done and would find a way to exit.

I was used to this cycle from my childhood with my family. So of course it never occurred to me that my fiancé emotionally abused me. My therapist has to literally draw it out for me and it took me a long time to fully understand and not blame myself. Thank you for making this video.

With my father it was not so much a cycle. I always felt that he could be angry in a second, or say something hurtful or damage something that belongs to me, whether it is something I own or a job or relationships with friends. My father could be very active in making the home cozy and baking cakes or pies. He was cheerful, but I did not feel it that way. I was always alert for something not so nice to happen. This was just me. My siblings did not feel that way. I was the scapegoat. When I left home and visited my parents, it always turned out to be a sad experience. Everybody tried to convince me, that this was because of me. When I stayed away for my own mental health, people told me to do something to improve the relationship with my parents. Nobody believed me if I said that did would never work and that even if it is all my fault, I do not want the bad experiences. In my marriage, I was so happy because my husband was not so bad as my father was, that I forgot that he was abusive too. He demanded too much of me and did not always respect my boundaries. After 28 years, I divorced him, and I am so happy to be alone. We are still friends, but I never want to be in a relationship or marriage again. I need my freedom and my happiness to be alone,

That was essentially my entire family dynamic. Every single person in my family had this sort of cycle with me.

This is probably one of the best explanations of an abusive relationship. It really shows the lack of empathy most people have when you try to speak up about this. And it really takes a lot to be able to leave money being a huge factor. Once I make enough money I feel like I am out even though he doesn't do the abusive stuff anymore.

I’m going through a rough time in my marriage pushing me towards divorce. This video is really helping. Thank you ❤

I left my abusive husband 14 years ago. I still feel like I have not recovered from it, or fully dealt with it so I can have a happy relationship with another man. I am seeing someone now for the first time in 14 years!! I keep waiting for the shoe to drop! I hate feeling like this! It’s not fair to my new “friend “

This is very helpful. I admire the clarity. @ 8:30. "spend time with friends and family". Please consider editing that. Family history is often the reason people are are drawn to abusive relationships. Suggesting they go from a current abusive situation to return to a to a past abusive situation is problematic. It's a good video, and I understand that it's hard to get honest, informed feedback.

Thank you God for healing us all and breaking abusive cycles, chains, and patterns that are unhealthy in Jesus name amen 🙏

Thanks, Kati. It’s extremely confusing for people! Especially if it’s very covert and the person starts the abuse later in life because they are free to do so! Family members are subtly mentioned in a derogatory way and this puts thoughts in the victims mind to not bother with them and so people become isolated, especially if the abuser is close them, in any type of relationship. Who wants to believe someone they love and trust is capable of doing such a horrible thing to them? People end up stuck because maybe they are already vulnerable or a caring, kind, and somewhat naive person who loves to make people happy and the abuser knows this. They fake anxiety around the victim to put them on edge so they’ll do their best to please them or they visit their home, act like they’re not bothered, fall asleep in front of them, act disinterested, and end up arguing and going round in circles, bringing up the past when talking about present problems, to avoid accountability! Then they’ll say the victim started an argument and storm off! Then when they leave, the victim feels more unloved, unappreciated, invisible and upset. Then the abuser disappears for days, weeks, or even months, maybe turns off their phone on purpose, so that the victim feels lonely, unsupported, and wondering what they did wrong! Then the abuser will come back and apologise and maybe do some jobs for them or take them on a day trip somewhere nice. The victim then feels relieved and happy that things are going to change for the better! Maybe they spoil the abuser and buy them something - It’s great until it’s not! It happens again and again, until the victim eventually catches on, despite, the cognitive dissonance. They may think they’re right about the abuse and then take it back, thinking they made a mistake, but eventually, it all becomes too clear, especially the longer the victim stays away from the abuser! When a person finds themselves looking up information about an abuser’s behaviour and analysing what they say, their body language, hot and cold behaviours, gaslighting etc - that’s the BIGGEST red flag ever and the victim should majorly reduce contact or cut the relationship off completely!! They should also seek help from people outside of their circle because family members and friends may not understand or believe the victim. And if the victim has anxiety about other things it’s even harder to be believed. Thing is, it’s uncomfortable to believe someone you knew could do such a thing, but they can and they do, but it’s easier and more comfortable not to believe the victim. This makes them feel more lonely, unsupported, and wondering if people think they’re a bad person because the abuser could just say it’s them, it’s the victim that’s the problem. The victim cannot win! The only way to win is to walk away and work on themselves! The worst part to come out of it is it’s harder to trust people and the best is that speaking up for themselves is no longer a problem, they’ll stand up for what’s right and speak their truth from then on, and so they should! Knowledge is power and this is why channels like these are the best! Thanks for sharing your knowledge and awareness, Kati! 🤓 ps, I know this comment is wayyy too long! 😆 Just couldn’t help but share!

You put in capital letters emotional abuse but jump to physical violence into the video. There's so many types of abuse and I was really looking forward to hearing about emotional abuse and how to get away from that. I'm not in danger of getting my ass kicked but I'm constantly manipulated and blamed for everything. Nobody ever backs me up because I don't have a bunch of bruises on me. No one even believes me so I always end up blaming myself. I would rather have a physical abuse than this bullshit because I could get help then.

This was my relationship with my father. 10 years ago he crossed a line and threatened my husband and that was the last straw. I put up with his emotional abuse for YEARS but seeing him threatening someone I cared about was like breaking the chain on his control over me. I gave him an ultimatum that he had a problem and he needed to get professional help for me to have a relationship with him. I stuck to that and and have cut him out of my life because he has refused to address his issues. I mourn the father/daughter relationship I had because the 'calm' phases with him gave me some of my best childhood memories, but the abuse isn't worth it. It's hard...very hard, but I am so much happier now. Sometimes it just takes someone getting to a breaking point before they are able to do something about it.

As someone with an abusive family, this is really helpful.

Is it wrong I'm ghosting someone who was emotionally abusive towards me? Like... A lot, this video made me realize it even more...

In my experience with an emotianly abusive father, friends would say to me sonething betwweb the lines of "But come on, is your dad, you have to forgive him him" and I know this wasnt with ill intention, but this kind of just confused me more through the path of accepting that the person that used to be my dad is a toxic person that is better out of my life

This is true some people are not even aware they are in a abusive relationship because they’re not aware of the signs also because it can be difficult for some because the abuser can be manipulative like love bombing or trying come up with excuses as a form of manipulation to get the victim to have some sympathy , good work on explaining the signs Kati .

Also, if you're struggling with relationships, I'm doing a workshop on boundaries. Find out more information here: katimorton.com/boundaries

Excellent and powerful Katie! I am a surviver having left behind that which no longer served me. My story is long, but I was fortunate to have support from a domestic violence hotline and my older brother. I spent two years in preparation to become self-sufficient with two pre-teens. For years, I was too afraid and felt guilty about taking the kids away from their father.My brother provided me with a car and driving lessons. I started working part-time to save money. My ex knew he was no longer in control and became much more abusive. I am fortunate; it's much more difficult if you have been isolated and have no money, phone, or resources. I am a success story. I went back to school and eventually had my own business. It was important to me to provide a good example for my children even though I was so scared. They were shown that it was not how a marriage should be. I pay it forward now with offering my support and paying it forward.

I’m a guy and I was love bombed. I think that’s the crux of the issue, where the abusive partner somehow sees you as a likely victim and showers you with validation. It’s a set up, and manipulation tactic, and really unbelievable. How did I feel at that time? I felt like I was in movie! A romantic movie where the waves were washing over me and her and I were rolling on the beach like, "From Here to Eternity.” When the abusive anger started, I let it go, thinking this was just a fluke temporary thing. Eventually, months later, it became the, “cycle,” of every month or so there would be some insignificant incident that would make her blow up. Often just anger at me for nonsensical reasons, but every once a while it was Mt Vesuvius exploding. Out of control, crying and screaming, in public! I would actually run away, for the very real reason that someone seeing this, might think I was the abusive one and call the police. Where, I might be just standing in park casually talking and she would explode. Eventually, the great feeling and memory of the love bombing faded, and reality was I had to accept she was personality disordered. Nothing I could do helped, and I tried EVERYTHING. I’m glad I had the experience of the love bombing because it did show how it’s possible to have someone really have your back and validate you. It’s something that is important and I will always value.

When you are IN LOVE that’s how this happens

I was a bit surprised that you didn't include or discuss financial or elder abuse.

It's so easy to analyse a relationship from the outside, were we are not emotionally involved. I feel that's why ppl stay, more than logic or practical thinking.

I grew up with an abusive mother who herself grew up with abusive parents in a poor country recovering from civil war. I need to get around to watching more of your videos, and will after I graduate this spring! I’ve had only two non-abusive partners in my past - they liked me but couldn’t understand that I didn’t want children because it would break me psychologically. Getting out is so hard, and the huge demands put on someone being asked to leave an abusive relationship is unappreciated. Domestic abuse survival should be celebrated unabashedly, I think.

I couldn't get out of the physical and mental abuse from my mom until she died suddenly at 44. People love to abuse me and make it amusing.

Having ADHD and having been sexually abused as a child makes the narcissistic abuse that much worse..my ex wife couldn't accept my disorders and I ended up doing something that caused her to divorce me.. she ended up having to pay me so she could keep her house. I am now in a good place with good, loyal friends, even my new dog (corgi) is more loyal than she was.

We also have to recognize that men are also victins of abuse and it can feel so lonely. Men are typically not seen as victims but we can be. Abuse can be so mamy things, not just physical abuse.

Finally answers and understanding… I’ve been put down as a mom and human being for years for going back to someone who’s slowly killing me. Thank you for showing true love love through teaching. I appreciate this video so much. I just left right now with a swollen eye and other injuries hoping I don’t go back…

Thank you, Kati.

Another great video as always. Having a strong support system is key❤️. Awareness of how we enable this toxic dynamic is one of the hardest things to accept. You have inspired me to start my channel. Keep the videos coming👏🏾

I am in abusive relationship for almost 12 years now. I met him when I was 18 and I was so blind for all of that red flags... Now I feel so hopeless. It's not about that I love him, I hate him so much and I know it never will be better but I am too affraid to leave because he threaten me he will kill my mother. I know it's true and he can do it because he is just trully pure evil. My mother live litteraly next house and I don't know how to protect her from him. I am so scared and I don't know how long I can live like this. Nobody knows about it and I am pretending living happy life and hate myself for that

The only issue I had with this is picking people who aren't my type. I've dated plenty of those, and it still didn't help.

I just got out of this and this is eerily true. Thank you so much Kati

Love this video, Katie! Having compassion is so important. To be a victim of narcissistic abuse means this must have been modelled in childhood by either narcissistic parents/family/teachers or at the very least learned codependency. At 44 years, I have repeated this dysfunctional dynamic for most of my life. But with hard work and healing it's definitely possible to engage in healthy relationships.

I was born in a toxic family, I always thought that my mother yelling and punching me for a fucking mug left on the table was normal.

I am so glad I found your channel!!

So very true and very true. To the very core of this point of abuse

HI Kati. First, I want to say that I think you were the very first mental health specialist I followed on YT. Thank you, thank you. I would like to speak a little bit about abuse that does not happen in the typical gender norms roles of male aggressors and female victims. After finally leaving my marriage of 25 years, I can look back and see the signs of an abusive relationship. Feigning curiosity and taking it back, gaslighting, social isolation, constantly moving goal posts of acceptance, framing autonomy as selfishness. As a women, these things are really hard to describe (esp in the moment), and hard to admit to a listener we hope is a safe listener. It's REALLY hard a man. Even people in my life that I would guess to be very emotionally aware and connective are *really* uncomfortable with male vulnerability on a regular day, but when that vulnerability is about another person in their life they love, respect and admire, it's that much harder. All the tropes of "marriage is just hard sometimes" or "you need to go work on those things on your own time" are easy deflections from that discomfort the listener is feeling. It's not physical violence. It's not "abuse" in the daily parlance, but it's real. And it's really challenging to find a listener who can sit with it.

I hid in a warehouse for years. I come out of hiding then he showed up over and over again. I changed my patterns of what I did. He won’t go away until I’m dead.

The abusive persons I know simply never admit any wrongdoing. So there is no "believing in them when they say they won't do it again".

hi Katie, I thought this was a great presentation, to the point and supportive

Just popping in to say I just recently stumbled across your channel and just listening to you speak about these things is really comforting ❤

I thought for a very long time that I was not in a circle of abuse because I had the tension building and the incident and sometimes even the calm phase but there was never any kind of love or affection. Then I realized that you don’t need a love bombing phase when you have “total control”. I decided for myself that what happened between my father and me was a circle of abuse, and I don’t care if it fits the official definition, because it feels right. Also, I don’t have another word to put to this phenomenon… what do you guys think about the word “life theme” for this kind of repeating abusive behaviour? Is it more fitting than circle of abuse or do you have another idea for a word to put to this?^^

Sometimes it starts out slow and subtle. And they spent years manipulating you, so you think it’s your fault and if you could just be better. You start to believe everything. When I first got slapped, I thought I deserved it. I was ashamed to tell anyone for the longest time. Oh but he was sorry and it won’t happen again. (It did, and I got blamed for it.) I have 3 kids, and my sole purpose was to not lose them. As my spouse made threats about taking me to court over them multiple times. Why women don’t just leave? Fear. Trying to protect their kids.you’re gaslit to think it’s you. You’ve been mentally broken down over time.first time my husband had unaliving thoughts he blamed me. Second time he did try to unalive himself, he said I was partially to blame. I’m finally seeing a DV counselor, who opened my eyes. It’s a scary and empowering process.

I enjoyed this video. I have had a fear of being alone. I have “people-pleased” to be helped and not abandoned as I have been in abusive situations where I have begun to be stuck in. I was naive and didn’t understand that when someone is so nice in the beginning, then, yes, “tension building” had begun to occur and tried to get out whenever I was being hurt both emotionally and physically. It’s scary and easier to stay because there are many things I have needed help for like my “basic needs” being met. For example, my ex-partner was nice then began destroying my stuff…I was scared in the relationship, but I felt I was not able to leave because I put my life in his hands. I have been abused by others as well; people have criticized the fact I leave and tired of my drinking and posting. I have felt misunderstood and more alone as whenever I “escape”, I get into another toxic situation. I really have felt lost and confused, especially with low self-esteem. Anyway, now, after my whole life being controlled, I now spend time with someone long enough to get to know them so I don’t get hurt again…*Also…I have left relationships before they do something to abandon me. So, I’m striving for a healthy relationship that I’ve not ever had…struggles all around with no escape. At times I want to leave this world because (unconditional) love is very difficult to find. I’m working on moving forward and focusing on myself more to become my own best friend as I have had trouble making friends all my life. I’ve been lied to, hurt, and neglected. I even became like my abusers (victim changes, not the perpetrator)…learned the hard way. Today I’m still struggling but not as badly as earlier in my life as I have opened my eyes and now understand I can’t change them (I’ve tried everything to re-invent someone for my well-being, but that back-fired). I’ve come a long way and realize that no matter what I’ve done/said is no excuse to be harmed in any way…*I used to blame myself for causing it due to behaviors, but after learning more about domestic violence, it is not ever okay to go through and be involved with mistreatment.

It's really helpful, thank you very much Kati 🙏

Wish I could have private therapy with you Kati. You're brilliant. But I'm in UK 🇬🇧 I've been trapped in a cycle since a child.

You are amazing. The best thing to do. Is Leave

Thanks for all the information, it really helps me as a psych major :)

True. In my first serious relationship, I was engaged to a girl I met at school. We were growing closer and we were married. But something happened when I asked my father's approval for marriage. He said out right the only reason why he accepted my fiance into the family was because it was what I wanted. It was the beginning of the end for us. I began to withdraw from her. I buried the rage, frustration, anger, guilt and shame my father stirred up in me. I was trapped in the cycle of abuse. I became overly controlling. I pushed her away. The rift grew wider between us. She left me after two years. For years I was self abusing myself. I was trapped in cycles of depression and guilt. I came close to committing suicide. 😢 If you have similar dangerous feelings, please seek help ASAP before it is too late.

My narcissistic mother psychologically and sexually abused me. She's thankfully dead now, but I so wanted her to love me that I remained in contact with her and even bought her things to try and buy her love. Had I known how much I would have liked not having her around, I would have cut her off. It's best to leave because these people are losers and pathetic assholes. The best part of the relationship was when I blocked her number for months on end. I was thrilled when she said she didn't like it. The best thing you can do is leave these relationships as much as you can.

Inaccurate in my opinion….the incident happened every day I was made fun of until I cried, there was no honeymoon phase afterwards, he kept being angry at me and blamed me for him acting out. There were no gifts. It got so bad that he kept stalking, hurting, trying to harm me to the point of no return. So what is this type of abuse?!

As someone born into a family that’s been emotionally abusive, I find myself doing the same to my spouse. Having been physically abused by an ex before, it’s the last thing I ever wanted to become and here I am questioning if I’ve turned the tables on the best relationship I’ve ever had. Katie, if you see this or if anyone else has any valuable information about finding out you may be the abuser yourself and how to fix it or cope with it, please give me your input. It’s not physically abusive, I’d never lay a hand on my sweet man. I have a temper when it comes to perfectionism around the house or viewpoints that we differ on and I’d really like to not get so heated. I’ve become more reserved with affection as time goes on as well and I’m going back to therapy, but I wonder if anyone who sees this has advice or is maybe finding this out about themselves as well. It’s difficult to admit and deal with, but I want to change and be better for him because I do love him and I don’t understand why I act this way yet. Thanks for any input! I don’t think I should leave him, I truly think he’s the one because I’ve changed for the better in so many ways already. It’s like he’s bringing these things out in me and pushes my buttons (not on purpose) in order to locate that there really is a problem inside me that needs fixed and I find that really lovely and fulfilling. It’s like we push each other to continue being better, I just don’t have the best tact in my communication and can be quite harsh. I can tell he walks on eggshells sometimes and I truly wish I had a rewind button to undo some of the things I’ve said. Thanks again for answering if you can. Please don’t be assuming that we need to break up though, that would break both of our hearts. I want to work towards a solution not a last resort. I’m trying to be better, I do apologize to him and he says he’s seen me make leaps and bounds of progress-I just don’t feel I’ve made enough considering his past abuse with his own father that he still has a tense relationship with yet puts up with. It makes me wonder if he does the same with me.

This video was really necessary thanks for sharing!

I was in an abusive relationship. I cut the relationship more than 10 times then I come back again because he kept saying I became a better man I'm so sorry I'll be the best man for you and... we went to therapist for more than 10 sessions but it didn't work... he sometimes hit me.. once he slapped me in the face.. he attacked me and pushed me on the ground.. he hurt me physically so many times but after that he was really sorry and wanted to get better... I loved him so much and he loved me too.. but he just was not able to behave himself... He broke up with me for the first time after 2 and a half years last week but again he texts me and put posts on Instagram and I'm sure he'll come back to me again with all I get better and I'm sorry and ... but I don't want to come back again.. although we had so many amazing memories we almost travelled all over the country we were happy when we didn't fight... I hope I and other people like me get better soon :)

I wasn’t allowed to speak, leave the house….he got angered when I left for a doctors appointment and would always make me late, angry if I spoke to relatives, physical hurt, physically abused to the point in the hospital many times, threatened to get him off at court, threatened to be killed, what I was allergic to he would put it in his hands and cuff it over my mouth and force me to ingest it, monitoring house cameras on no contact, said he was waiting for an accident to happen to me, when I got hurt he would re injury me, constant making fun of me daily, stalking, changing passcodes on devices….the list goes on.

Thank you for sharing your wisdom and expertise! ✌❤🌎

I got stuck in a relationship like this got out of it I had too. It's more stigmatized when it's a woman. As a man in a situation like this is very hard to leave i was isolated by a woman in a verbal,manipulating relationship i couldnt tell anyone about this. I was isolated from my friends and family.

.. This actually happened to me.. I was the first victim of the abused cycle savanah she's just idk like when we do something she hate she bullied us and she's popular and I always cry and get her everthing and admire them... And I did the same to other people.....

I think calm comes from both sides being exhausted. You have to get away to process, journal, read up, listen to podcasts, maybe therapy to self check! They usually never apologize they give silent treatment, devalue, gaslight etc.. use vulnerabilities against you to use as weapons! Very painful, get out of forest to see what’s happening. We go back to what we endured during childhood traumas it’s so familiar. We don’t want this or like it!

I've never been comfortable talking to a therapist because what if I'm being abusive to the therapist and I don't even know? What if I say or do something stupid on an impulse and get involuntarily hospitalized or arrested or something?

I am still recovering from emotional and verbally abuse it was from a so called friend however I noticed she was one sided person I was a friend she wasn’t I quit being friends with her because I noticed she was extremely disrespectful toxic gossips about everything and everyone in her life she also left to go see another boyfriend at one time she had 2 boyfriends when she came back she told me I told the first boyfriend I was at your house when she never was she saw the second boyfriend behind the first boyfriend back and lied about it so I told her I wasn’t fine with her lying like that eventually she got mad at me because I knew lying about about her whereabouts wasn’t good with me so sadly the abuse happened because I couldn’t have the strength to leave I thought she would apologize and change sadly never happened and finally I had the strength to kick her out of my life her name is Celina she is one of the most toxic people I ever ever met she can’t be trusted ever I don’t think she will ever change she loves to control and manipulate people anyone that comes into her life sadly people like her exist and cut these people out there is nothing good about these people!❌💔

Hi Kati! I’ve been watching your videos since you first started out - you’re one of my favorites on social media! 😊 I was wondering if you’d be able to talk about abusive friendships? I’ve been through a few mild ones, but the most recent one was the worst BY FAR. I had to cut off someone who I thought was my best friend and that was really hard. I haven’t talked to her since May 2020 and I’m still trying to heal from it. I even had people basically spelling it out for me that she was incredibly abusive & manipulative, but I just couldn’t let myself see it. I always made excuses or said things like “you don’t know all the amazing times we’ve had, these are just bad stories.” I know, I know, SO MANY RED FLAGS. I find myself either wanting to be super close to people or not wanting anything to do with them. If it helps for context, I have BPD, so these feelings have been heightened even more than usual.

The language and themes of therapy, psychology, feminism, progressivism, compassion, activism, and victimhood, can be used by abusers to either further abuse or to cover up or make excuses for abuse. It's a great tactic for the abuser to head off any criticism of themselves by going around behind your back "confiding" in receptive people in yours and their lives, about your "abuse" (often merely your attempts to stick up for yourself in moments of abuse or completely fabricated incidents or scenarios) either by misrepresenting what happened, only giving an exaggerated version of their side of the story. By doing this the abuser can alienate you from these people, further isolating you. Some abusers go so far as creating a network of friend and family relationships based primarily on gaslighting, even concocting whole narratives where the unaware victim (who is often too busy walking on eggshells and dealing with the abuse to talk to these people themselves about what is going on) is the vilian of a story line of which they are completely unaware.

i think i'm still really confused about what actually constitutes abuse. where is the line between a husband (or wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever) who is just a jerk and one who is abusive? there was *never* any physical abuse in my relationship. after my now-ex left, my therapist told me that he was emotionally abusive and that i'd been living in a domestic violence situation. where's the line? he didn't try to isolate me, he didn't constantly trash me, didn't make me dress a certain way, or any of the typical manipulative/controlling things that so commonly define abuse. but I was always afraid of making him angry. all that would happen when he got angry is that he'd be short with me until his anger peaked, give me the silent treatment, then verbally explode, telling me over and over and over again why i was wrong/that i sucked as a wife. he'd usually end with "i don't know what else to say," which was my cue that I could walk away. then i got the silent treatment more until he decided he was done being angry. then he'd act like nothing happened. wash, rinse, repeat. big deal. lots of people deal with far worse than that. was it really enough to be considered "abuse"? that's such a loaded word....

What is it when someone is emotionally abusive and mentally abusive but there is no love bombing or hardly any love at all from them? What does it mean when they withhold affection or refused to tell you they love or care for you? They intentionally say things to hurt you by demeaning you as a person? Always passing blame and never having any accountability. They know that you need love and they still withhold it and flat out tell you they don’t care how you feel about anything? Is this narcissism or just emotional abuse?

Thank you Kati

Thank you!❤

I just don’t get how they do not see how wrong and cruel they are. Is like you are nothing to them. Like you are not human to them, just a thing without value.

My bio Mom had such bad drug and mental health issues. My step dad was physically abusive to me and her, and that made my Mom worse. Long story short, my Mom tried to leave one day when I was 14 (4 years ago) and beat her to death and put me in a coma. The worst part is is that he only got 7 years in jail. 4 years later and I still have sleepless nights because of PTSD and freak out with the smallest movement.

My boyfriend has been physically abusive for the past 6 years but he tells me I have a victim mentality. I am not sure what to think. I don't want to be a victim at all. I don't really understand what he means because when he hits me, it does hurt and I don't know how to get around that

Very helpful, Thank you

thanks for sharing needed to hear this

Is it possible for the abuser(s) to not even realize what they are doing? I want to live my life. I just want to work and make a little bit of money for my children.

Yes I went through it's and it's hard to heal

Maybe I'm just desperately trying to make my self-destructive behavior make sense but I can't help but feel like this cycle to some degree applies to my relationship with myself. Does this make sense? Or is there another model for self-destructive cycles?

I left for the third time and o feel so so guilty. I hurt him. He admitted that he physically verbally and mentally abused me. I feel like it’s my fault. Like I got him mad for mentioning things and pushed him to it. I had so many bruises and marks on Me. Things you couldn’t even see. I’m begging for him back. I feel like I messed up so bad. Like he said he needs time to focus on his health because his anxiety from not being able to accept himself for treating me the way he did is getting to him, he said his heart is having problems now because of our fights. How is this my fault. He ripped my shirt and bra up while it was on me, and tried replacing it when he got paid. Also my purse.

Is a psychological effect of this, guilt to let ourselves feel, be, express that we are happy. Like something in our minds isn't letting us smile about ourselves (activate the vegus nerve). However, other people are worthy, so it's allowed out when others do something good

I have been in that in over ten years here now….

Do you think abusive relationship cycles can have zero physical abuse?

Yes Ofcourse this is what I wish to talk about

I always knew I was going to do/say/think/feel something wrong. I didn’t know what or when but I knew it would happen. The anticipatory anxiety had me on medication for two decades. When the incident finally occurred he didn’t hit me or yell, he simply denied my existence with the silent treatment for days or weeks. I used to say “I wish he would just hit me, I KNOW what to do with that”. My ex wasn’t big on the honeymoon phase, instead he’d justify his actions and play the victim. I was so starved for love that simple acknowledgement and basic affection worked for me. The cycle repeated more frequently as the years went on. One day a new psychiatrist replaced my old one and after going over my background suggested that I needed more therapy and support and less medication. He referred me to a codependency group. It was then that I learned about the narcissist-codependent dynamic. It was as if my life story was being read to me. It was illuminating and frightening. I began considering a separation yet although I was always the majority bread-winner he had me convinced that I could no make it on my own, that I couldn’t make good decisions, and that I’d end up a lonely old woman. I don’t know where I found the strength to leave but with the support of a good therapist and loving friends I moved out. That isn’t the end however. Though we lived separately we continued our, even more dysfunctional, relationship. Eventually he met someone. He used his new relationship to triangulate and would not leave me alone. I went through cycles of blocking him and unblocking him, living without him in my life hurt more than the abuse. The confusion, grief, guilt and shame were nearly unbearable. Ultimately I filed for divorce. Our divorce was final in June 2020. He blames me for ruining his life and his retirement. He says I let my friends and therapist talk me into destroying our life and family. I am single, the one relationship I had since our divorce showed signs of similar dynamics and ended. I feel that’s growth and discernment at work. I hope to find a life partner, but for now I’m still healing. Katie’s videos are a source for me to keep my head on straight. 😁

Ah, yes, this is exactly how my mother has treated me my whole life. What the Hell.

1.55 I kind of understand why calm would be debateable as exisiting, but also (it's thats the case) surely reconsiliation could be too, right? For example, 'Calm' could come immediately after as a form of reconcile but without any excuses, retraction, rewards, etc? Guessing it's to what degree this is occuring. Great as always Katie

My 4ft of power supports you lady’s My momma abused badly . I got hit a lot too . But I found out hit back you go to jail ain’t go do shit til a man calls police woman can’t call. They got til your shoulder broke and wait for police momma dated what happened ❤

This how my very first relationship was. Which is sad bc how could you ruin my first impression to a relationship w this type of behavior? Ever since I been trying to break this target on my back I have . Seems like ever since I been attracting the same person but with a different style of abuse. I've learned my lesson but it's something within me that all abusive people seem to see. I'm taking a big break from dating .

What do you say when he acts like he’s gonna hit you in an argument, but he never actually put the hands on you

I'm in a simi-abusive relationship & am scared to leave cuz he the stocking type.

I'm not sure there's even a honeymoon phase it goes calm and then it stops for a while

I know this doesn't really have much to do with this specific video, but I have a question that I can't seem to find a good answer for no matter how much research I do. How can I reach out with self harm struggles, and what do I say?

But what if it's your parent?