As I once heard: “if you treat her like a queen, she will treat you like a subject.”

Very clear explanation of the issue of “respect” for women. As a young man (teenager) I thought being respectful meant making it very clear that I valued my girlfriend as a person and not just as a sex object. I expressed this by holding back on sexual pressure and letting the girl decide when to make the next move. Well guess what? Most girls did not find that attractive at all. They did desire consideration, as you mentioned, but they did not want to be “respected.” They wanted to be pursued, taken and ravished. Or at least they wanted me to attempt that. Some of them had religious values that prevented them from having premarital sex, but they at least wanted me to try to seduce them, even if they had to say no on religious grounds. Respectful behavior was a big turn off for most women I dated. I think when they felt too “respected” they didn’t feel desired.

“ Where are all the men that know how to treat a woman?” In the Friendzone, right where you put them

Dead on the money. I was always told to "respect women" growing up, and I always assumed it meant *never pursue sex.* That the most attractive man will always be the one who let's the female make that decision. All the boys in my generation were having this drilled into us beginning in our youth

“ oh yeah you respected the shit outta me “ 😂😂😂

I feel like women want men to fulfill a traditional male role that has largely remained unchanged at the same time that women, in a pretty much completely new paradigm, want to be treated in both a traditional and contemporary/ more modern manner. I can see the disconnect and confusion there.

It's also called nice guy syndrome. See "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. I think it goes much deeper than a simple misunderstanding. It's a complex issue involving lowering testosterone rates in men, men being raised by single mothers, men raised by feminists, men raised by women who despise their son's father and mothers who form a romantic bond with their sons.

I like this way of differentiating between respect and consideration. You can't force someone to respect you, but you can refuse to be disrespected.

"where are all the man who know how to treat a woman?" is a question those women ask who don't know how to treat a man 🤣

If you treat her like a celebrity she will treat you like a fan, rightfully so.

As an older man, I can completely validate his second point. You can’t be respected if you always defer to her whims. You need to set the agenda, take the initiative, pick the restaurant, make date plans, etc…The best way I’ve heard this described recently is, “You can do anything to a woman except bore her.” If you always defer to her whims - thinking you’re showing her respect - you’re really appearing weak and boring.

"You respected the shit out of me last night!" 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

My wife is brutally honest here. She wants/needs me to pursue and ravish her. She wants to “resist” while I pursue. When she “resists” I was taught to stop pursuing out of respect. Not the way it works! Again… spot on! Very helpful…keep it coming.

This is 8 minutes of pure gold and wisdom. The way you explained that the masculine understanding and expression of respect is to defer and submit to the authority of the one we respect, which is the opposite of what women want from us, literally choked me up and explains the miscommunication my wife and i have been having lately. Thank you.

Man this was amazing, the topic of disrespect vs respect for sexual charisma blew my mind and just answered so many questions. I am 31 and never heard this idea anywhere. I worked with a guy who was 5’4 his hairline was receding very bad and he only had a few teeth in his head. He was not conventionally good looking at all but he had sex with a ton of beautiful woman in our age bracket and it just blew my mind. I could not understand what he had that I did not have that made him so great with woman to have sex with him. This explains it. This guy was edgy and somtimes just down right disrespectful to woman. I was the text book nice guy that never said anything to “stir the pot” avoided conflict and would break my back for people, in other words zero sexual charisma. Man I still can’t believe this info, wish I knew it years ago. It issue now is, how do I change a life time of nice guy tendency’s that are so hard wired?

Thanks for the video. My father told me to "Respect all people unless they show they did not merit my respect". I was also told "Women and men are different. You will find women expect/desire to be 'shown respect' in different ways than men." And I was told by both parents, "If you are honest with yourself you will find people at all levels deserve your respect. And there are not deserving respect at all levels too." My mother told me, "Son, you will find that women consider your failure to respond to their subtle hints and invitations as disrespectful. The trick is to pay attention and be subtle in your responses, let things build a tit at a time."

Dignity should be given to everyone, respect has to be earned.

My late father, Rip, told me several times that woman are never happy, no matter what. Btw, 57 here. His advise will stay with me forever, it was, only give them a fraction of what they complain about, then stop it completely, wait and she will complain, do same again. Works for me, but results will vary.

Listen gentlemen, I read a lot of your comments on this talk. Listening to Dr. Orion and you guys, my heart goes out to you all. I sorta understand now what you are going through. I feel grateful to gain a little more understanding. Women are Responders, Men are Pursuers. If it gets out of whack, smooth it out. If it can't be corrected, just have to let go and move on. We just have to learn by "the school of hard knocks" (no pun).......the bigger the errors the harder we fall. Respect EACH OTHER'S boundaries. Women definitely want men to continue to lead THE WAY.... it's NORMAL💗

We realize that is not worth it. Men have to do and bring a lot of things to a relationship. But when you ask females what are they offering you they normally get upset and deflect

"Consideration", that is indeed the best word. Damn good point Doc. Thank you for that much needed clarification. Brilliant insight. Powerful commentary.

This video hasnt changed my life, but it answers questions I've had for 15 years or more and at least one from childhood. Thank you.

There was something bugging me for a long time about respecting women. Now I see that this makes sense. I have not respected women in relationships and I have also not disrespected them. Consideration is really key. Put them on a pedestal and you as a man will not get the woman or if you have her, you're gonna lose her to chad.

You give common courtesy freely. You give respect when it is earned or deserved.

I love this guy. Always (unintentionally) validation most of the “red pill” community guidelines from a real professional argument, science

Man let me tell you. You have some really high end quality content that is always on point. I have applied much of it to my life and have made great strides. Thank you so much!

My life has been a lie.

Spot on. Been with more women than I can remember. When I treated them like hoes I got a lot more action than when I acted nice and respectful. It's messed up, but it's how it is.

Literally a mind reader. I needed this illumination decades ago.

Polite indifference is good enough for getting along without issues.

Woman: Where are all the good men? Sun Tsu: They're likely in your friendzone or in a marriage with the good women.

No, absolutely not. Respect is not admiration and it's not defference, it is acknowledgement of an individuals integrity, the acknowledgement of their commitment to adhering to their stated values. It is entirely possible to respect across. On the flip side, I think women are not looking for respect from men but, rather, appreciation for the things they bring to a relationship that a man is lacking. And as for attraction, I don't think it's possible for a woman to be attracted to a man that she doesn't respect

FACTS. I’m so glad this guy exists.

I am completely sincere when I tell you that your knowledge and sights on this subject really accurate, but then you always are accurate. I came from a wealthy family, but I was a sickly child growing up, so it was easy for me to respect my female peers as not being inferior, but wonderful friends. This shaped how I raised my two daughters from infancy. The fact that my mother was extremely intelligent and college educated from 1939-1942 can't be overlooked, nor the fact that she taught me more than my father. Julia teaches AP Calculus, and Sarah is a brilliant photographer, partially because I never put a limit on what they could attain in life. Because I respected women as peers and not subordinate, I made sure they knew they would always have my backing. Doctor, one thing I need to tell you that I shared with my daughters from an early age was that women passed men in earning college degrees in 1981, and now garner 66 percent of college degrees. The old norms went out the window decades ago but people bye and large are ignorant of the sea change. Finally, I found that giving people respect, without an attitude of being superior in anyway opens so many doors, and possibilities. It also makes human interactions on a daily basis satisfying and rewarding. Everyone wants respect, consideration, without an attitude coming their way, when that happens they open up and engage because they are not used to that experience. But to make that attitude and exchange work you must affect zero attitude, but equanimity. Any time you have a video come up I will be first in line to hear what you have to say. You are extremely knowledgable, and explain ideas fluently and effortlessly, which is why people should listen to you .

Honestly mate, this is the most enlightening, well thought out and precise channel on KZfaq

I must be an exception because I differentiate admiration and respect. Respect doesn't mean I defer to the decision of the person I admire. It means I value their opinion.

The rated-R version of the doc 👍

I’ve explained this before. Glad to see you break it down so well. For a man to respect you he has to look up to you and that is earned through accomplishments and competency, so when women scream “respect me” all men hear is entitlement because they are demanding to be pedestalized without earning it.

This is actually one of the better talks right here. Love it. Will save this talk. It would be nice to have this expounded upon for an hour or 10 to explore why a lot of these things are in excruciating detail for people that don't understand or don't believe.

Amazing how you articulate these things. Like I know that things are like that, but your videos really explain the why they're like that part

Wonderful explanation!!! You perfectly described the conflicts that beset me for years!

Hey Doc I need to express my gratitude for all this high quality content you put out. Actually this has become a problem for me because I keep watching your videos and not get other things done. You are a pro

I have been patiently waiting for a man to treat me with disrespect

Thank you for this clarification. I've heard some of those points before, but you managed to put them in a sharp terms so now i can wrap up this topic in my head.

If relationships are chemistry, this was all decided billions of years ago. "You" will just live through the process.

Men, transcend this level of base desire; retain your seed and operate on a higher level of consciousness. The universe is ready to evolve through you.

“You respected the shit out of me last night.” Most entertaining quote ever on your channel!

Respect comes from this: One has beliefs and makes them evident

Very good points and it makes a lot of sense. The TLDR for how women want to be respected by men (imo), is "treat me as a person and not as a body/slave". In other words, much like how men want their leader/boss to treat them as more than a body/number/etc., this is how women want their men to treat them.

Thank you so much. Very clear and concise. I am choosing my words carefully. 😁

Thanks for the vid. Personally, I’m stuck on resolving the problem between “expressing genuine sexual interest in a woman,” and “expressing genuine sexual interest in a woman without being misconstrued as sexual harassment.”

This might just be the best video on this particular subject I have ever heard. Masterful.

You're making me love women again.

You have explained in the clearest way possible

Your channel should be bigger than it is. You produce very valuable content.

Wow, that was eye opening! I'm definitely subscribing.

O my goodness. In the world we live in today, even if I thought your content was garbage I would still absolutely give you "props" for speaking such a raw truth. The saying "truth rings a bell" reasonates here but man, it grates a nerve!

This is the doubt that runs in my head that Men had to respect and Lead at the sametime was difficult but later I came to a conclusion to consider their opinion and still thought better to take decision out of responsibility and that worked but confused me at the sametime. You made my doubts clear bro.

So true! Crazy. Spot on analysis!

God… this is a burning hot revelation! Thank you a LOT!! Of course there are deeper mechanisms at play when we examine the men respect approach, psychology-wise. But overall this is marvelous and very relatable way to look at this in an actionable way! Thanks Orion! Your words are the engine of my healing and growth rn!❤

Very interesting. So we should define the word respect and tell our partners we want them to be considerate and talk about when to turn these off at times

Can you do a video on what men and women deem as loyalty in a relationship?

Luv the way you put it - so graphic but very articulate at the same time ( crack me up at times ) x

Thanks for the info!!!...Very pertinent and clear....keep up with the good work!🥰🌻

Well, this explains why im getting nowhere with being nice and polite. This video would have been very helpful 10 years ago when i was dating.

Wow ! - I'm finding this out at the age of 56, about 35 years too late ! - It explains a lot about why I've been getting nowhere with Women for all these years. However, now I know what the problem is, maybe I can still find a Woman to adore me.

This is vital information that I have been missing, most men I respected told me that I have to respect women and that lead to me wasting all my energy trying to treat my love as I would be some random friendzone man. And u tell this stuff so well and funny way its so understandable and hits home. Love it

What a profound explanation. I honestly have never thought of it this way. The most respectful F bomb I’ve ever heard lol

Very interesting. I have never respected nor disrespected a woman outside of the sex. And what you said is absolutely true about the respect for men in my case : I will respect skills that i dont have or people better than me to achieve something but it's not applicable in a couple because i will treat the other with logic and fairness. To respect or asking for disrespect implies a posture of submission. I'm happily married and my wife NEEDS to be disrespected in the sex topic.

I don’t know if it’s a man vs woman thing. I believe the most balanced dynamics in a couple is of a leader + a supporter, because a leader + leader will have both being annoyed that they can’t lead freely, and a supporter + supporter will have nothing getting done. In a leader + supporter relationship, the leader can do what they want to do 90% of the time, while the supporter will be happy to enjoy with them something they didn’t have to come up with. However, neither of them should feel lesser than the other, and that’s where respect comes in. A good leader will listen to the supporter’s suggestions if they have any, and a good supporter will not leave the whole job of planning up to the leader. That way neither is having their opinions undervalued, or having their personality or time exploited.

That was quite enlightening about the issues I have had in dating and marriage.

This information is revolutionary

Thank you for this video. It makes a lot of sense. This was why I had trouble wrapping my head around the popularity of “Fifty Shades of Gray” seeming to occur at the same time as the “me too” movement. Like I don’t view BDSM as respectful of woman, even if they say they want it. Honestly one of the most sensual love making sessions with my former girlfriend was an instance that may have been considered assault had we not been in a steady, sexual relationship.

It may also be worth drawing a line between what it means to respect women in general vs women you're in a relationship with. With random women, or women you clearly are not in a position to and/or have no desire to pursue romantically, obviously there is no real harm in sticking to the typical male ideas around respect. In fact, it may save you from needless meetings with HR and miscommunications in general. In a relationship though, where there is clearly a desire or intent towards companionship, the meaning does change. If you treat her and the relationship like it's essentially dealing with another colleague, obviously that's not going to work out.

Ok when I saw the title I was kinda suspicious about this video, but now I gotta admit this makes perfect sense. Subscribed.

Dude, the f bomb you dropped out of no where was perfect. I've never heard that word used to effectively. Good job.

We need to have masculine and feminine dictionary entries: "Respect" [m] positive regard earned through verifiable effort, merit and results on display; [f] high regard based on entitlement due to her biological sex or else howdaru.

This is so interesting and explains a lot of my experiences. I'm a total horn dog and have a really hard time keeping my hands off a woman once we've consented to physical affection. I was always surprised that women didn't mind/enjoyed how physical/how much I initiated sex. Especially because they weren't always in the mood for it, but it usually didn't annoy them. In fact, they seemed to relish in my desire for them even when they weren't in the mood, and more often than not my desire would be enough to turn them on and get them going

Thank you for the clarity.

Rough to be JUST learning this at 25 years old... man I'm more than thankful for this content! This is making my life so much better!

On a stupid TV show they did say something very interesting when a guy was challenged by a woman why he wanted to sleep with her since he’s married and he replied “because I respect my wife far too much to do the things I’m going to do to you in the bedroom” to which she replied “Oh jackpot!”

So true. After 16 years of a nice guy marriage I got divorced and was asking women out. If I gave them options they would ghost me. Once I figured out how to lead I took a girl on a 5th date to axe throwing, which she hated, but we ended up having sex that night. I lost her later when I messed up and she lost respect for me.

Another great video. Keep em coming

Agree 100%...It took me 21-22 years to learn this.

I need more men to find your channel. I found value in this as well, but men need sound men and legit experts to support their journey.

Very interesting! When I hear that "respect women" phrase, that's *exactly* what I always thought it meant -- "Be considerate." Also, in a relationship, feelings I want to feel include: special, safe, appreciated/valued. Those are my top 3; "respect" probably doesn't make the top 10. Respect is inherent in everything that comes before it (is, the list above). And, you're right, the romantic relationship is not the domain of respect for the feeling woman. I would a million times rather tell my partner, "I'm proud to be with you," than tell him, "I respect you." I bet he enjoys much more to hear the former, as well. I have always guessed, when men say they don't feel respected in the relationship, they are saying, "I don't feel heard or needed."

thank you this is sooooooooooooo good info and it makes the relationships much clearer.

What a delicate little dance you do so that no one Get upset

this blew my mind. this is the reason why i’ve always have had better sex with flings than in my relationships

Thinking of going to grad school? Check out STELLAR, my top-rated program and the world's only empirically-validated GRE test prep system. Use the code "PSYCH" for 10% off all membership plans: stellargre.com. A common complaint that I hear from women in the dating market is that men don't seem to know what to do with them. They don't take initiative; they don't confidently lead the relationship; they don't know where to "put their hands" (both figuratively and literally). Where have all the real men gone? After giving it some thought, I realized that these issues may have an unlikely culprit: the concept of respect. Respect might mean different things to men than it does to women, and these differences might be impacting the dating game in ways we haven't yet fully appreciated as a culture. In this episode, I will discuss three of these potential differences. Orion is a licensed psychologist in the state of California. Podcast available of Spotify, Instagram, Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts and others. See the "About" tab for more information on donations and consultations. Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com

@6:40 I spat my morning coffee out of my nose. thank you

LOL the last 3 minutes cracked me up :D thank you for the vid.

Whenever i say i love you she says i leave you. How can you tolerate someone whom you don't love but if you do tolerate out of love you will be brandished weak. No expectations no attachments is probably the only way to solve gender dynamics.

Storytime: Dated a religious woman. We both talked about marriage. She was respectful, kind, attractive, submissive, feminine, not fat, and responsible. Basically perfect for me. I once mentioned to her that I was a bit concerned about not having sex before marriage. She wanted to get married first. I didn't say this in a rude way or whining. Just mentioned that it was on my mind while we were cuddling. 5 minutes later she was naked in front of me. Knowing how religious she was, I didn't want her to feel tons of guilt the next day, and was worried she'd break up over the guilt. So we did other fun things and not sex. Guess what? After months of dating her, I never saw her again. Being the first person to say no to her blew her mind so hard she found a way to blame me for being respectful of her wishes. That's right. She blamed me. A few weeks later she had found another guy and had sex with him and married him a few weeks after that. I dodged a bullet obviously, but remember that women are not as complicated as you think.

Very helpful video, thanks💪🏻

"It would be more accurate to speak of the sexual impulse as pervading nature with a yell of cruelty than with a hymn of love." -Dr. Robert Briffault

EXCELLENT video. You got it absolutely right. I call it "the Madonna and the whore syndrome". I left my husband 12 years ago (he has passed away since, sadly) because he never showed any interest in me sexually. His response was "I thought you were better than me". That says everything, no?

this video is immensely good! thanks

This is great food for thought. I agree with the notion that sexuality and respect are not complimentary, but I do not see respect as an upward deference. I consider respect a regard of someone as a peer or higher. Looking up to someone however is incredibly rare because that would mean that they share values I care about and uphold those values better than I do. Very rare indeed.

Maybe making women feel a certain level of comfort and trust would be a better description than respect. This goes along with what you say about giving consideration. This helps the woman follow one's leadership as a man.