I see that you did this 2 years ago. i hope things have improved for you. I have an unusual autism story. It is very long so I will not put it in the comments, but if you ever need to talk, i am available. I am a 65 year old grandma who was diagnosed at 55. Odd thing is....I was a specialist in severe Autism as a profession, and never saw it in myself. I knew I was different since I was 2 years old. At my birthday party my mom invited neighborhood girls to my party at my home. I distinctly remember thinking I don't belong here, and they shouldn't be in my home because they don't know me and weren't my friends. That's pretty much how I felt my whole life, but learned to mask at a very young age, except the year I had volunteer mutism in junior high. It was such a relief when I finally went to a psychiatrist to see if he could figure out what the deal was with me. I cried for days in wonderment and relief when diagnosed. We know so much more now about differences between men and women with autism. It is amazing. I tell no one other than family due to the prejudices toward the diagnosis. I saw it too much as a specialist, and don't trust anyone else to understand and not judge. Thank you for sharing your story. You are amazing. I admire your frank perspective and hope all is well with your beautiful self.

This is, without doubt, the rawest and most beautiful testimony I have listened to on KZfaq. I feel privileged to hear your story and saddened by the lack of support you received. I do not have superlatives enough to describe the courage that it took to post this. You are a bright light in a neuro-typical world. I suspect I am at the very, very mild end of the spectrum (never diagnosed, but 'different' at school). And I managed to learn coping mechanisms to be relatively effective in the world. I am an extreme introvert and highly sensitive to noise. I learned a lot when going through a Myers-Briggs exercise at work about different personality types (however flawed the model may be): Why did I react 'oddly' in situations others found normal? Why would going to a nightclub at university be anathema to me, because of the overwhelm of the discordant sounds and having so many people invading my personal space? Why is the sound of someone eating, especially something like a apple, like nails being scratched down a blackboard? I will research what you said about masking, as I suspect I have been doing this all my life. I am very glad you have found the non-judgemental partner you describe. Thank you for sharing this immensely personal testimony. Even being fairly self-aware now (over 40 and having done quite a bit of practise in the Buddhist tradition), I found this helpful to me.

I’m 65 with Asperger Syndrome on the autistic spectrum due to a traumatic brain injury when I was around 4 or 5 years old. No one can tell anymore that I’m different. My socializing was learned mostly as an adult, especially the last 15 years. The hardest things I had to overcome was my slurry speech which I practice almost daily, learning to separate my emotions from other people expressing their emotions, not being concerned about others if they don’t care about me, small talk, conversation turn taking, staying on topic, allowing others to say what they want to say. My brother is a narcissist which I learned from KZfaq Dr. Ramani videos and books. Your therapists were incompetent, they were at fault, not you.

My daughter is 3 and is autistic. Non verbal, we’re working on it and she’s doing better. You are such an inspiration my love! I know not everyone is the same but you are making me cry because I have so much hope for my little girl ❤️ my heart is with you and I’ll be looking forward to watching more of your videos… have a blessed day love

I am so sorry that you have suffered so much. But you know, you are a LIGHTWORKER. You are shining your light to illuminate the way for others. That is why you care so much for animals and are not materialistic and crave simplicity. It's why you struggle to connect. It is why you have the amazing ability to see through all the conditioning which so much of the human family labours under. 27 is so young. Like the alchemist who turned lead into gold, you will turn your trauma into GOLD. One day, on the journey you will realise that all of this has become your greatest gift and your greatest treasure. Be blessed x

Thanks for letting the neurotypical people into your world and experience, your story helps us understand so much better. Praying for your healing ❤

I'm so, so sorry you didn't get the support you needed as a child, but I'm glad you're finding the answers you need, now.

I cried watching this because I know it too well. The sense of entrapment, helplessness and being absolutely stranded in a world that makes less and less sense with time. My youth was the same - messed up parents, kids just being an after thought, no one recognizing the pain your going through. Btw, I know Swedish ppl speak English really well as a second language but your capacity to articulate your situation so vividly and with such impact would rival any 1st speaker of English. I hope you're finding hope and positivity in your life.

Wow, you are beyond brave. Especially the part you said that you had to cater to your parents because they didn’t want to accept your diagnosis. Your vibe is authentic and pure. I’m glad you are alive and strong. Thank you for sharing this video. Your perspective really brought awareness. Thank you 🙏🏽🙌🏽

I strongly relate with your parents reaction to your diagnosis. After i was diagnosed (at 20 years old) and even during the evaluation, my parents were in denial. Even thought they've said to me all my life (as young as 4 in a home video) how goofy, weird, alien, silly I am. Even now after pointing out my symptoms as a lighthearted joke, like how clumsy, lazy, anxious etc I can be, they tell me don't ever use a diagnosis as an excuse for anything. I never have, so i'm slightly confused how I've gone all my light with zero catering from people yet always having to cater to others, then I get an explanation for why i am the way i am, and get told not to use that as an excuse. I want to make accommodations for myself so i can be my best potential, but i don't know how since i'm still living with them.

Wow! I felt like you were describing my life, except for me it was depression and adhd. I was always told to "change my attitude" and that I was a " bad person" because I was so emotional. I was never told that my feelings were okay or asked to talk about how I was feeling. I felt the same kind of pain. No one understood me and no one wanted to try. It's still with me to this day. People who don't feel depressed just can't seem to accept that it's a real thing....and that it's very painful. With adhd, your mind has such a hard time focusing, you start 10 things at once, you walk into a room for one reason and leave for another....The worst part of that is I have a terrible memory, always have, and it hurts me in every type of job I've worked at. My family is always trying to tell me how to do things better; they just don't understand that my mind works differently from theirs. I'm so happy you have found a loving husband who understands and cares so much about your journey and I hope you feel stronger every day!

I just want to jump through the screen and hug you 💕

Accepting that some things you just can't do is very important. I've always sort of known what was beyond me. People have judged me for these deficiencies, and to some degree I have judged myself. It's a liberating thing to know that there are very good reasons for my difficulties navigating a neurotypical world.

My heart goes out to you my dear. You are so brave to my dear to talk about this subject. I am a Pastor and a new BCA or Behavior Technician training to be a RBT or Registered Behavior Technician. I work with younger kids. You inspire me to be the best I can in this new career field and help all those that I can to live a healthy and more productive life. I want you to know that you are a blessing to the Lord and that Jesus loves all his children. I just want to reach out and hug you. I am happy that you have found love in your life. He is a very blessed man. God bless, Pastor Wayne. Ps. I hope you read this and reply. Cheers

Very touching video, thank you for sharing - I am at the "other side", a NT woman living for almost 20years with no diagnosed AS, helping him with all the trauma - he went thru all you talk about, before we've met...And thru bad times sometimes even after...untill finally his diagnosis in his 45...and as you say - I am SO happy he survived!! (Wasn't always sure.) AS diagnose gives answers, but as you show in your video, the trauma is REALLY deep and to unmask yourself takes SO MUCH work, and much Time And pain...but still Its the ONLY and very important way - go back to yourself...And I saw your new videos and you REALLY did a great job in these last two years....👍

I admire your courage to share your story online like that. You are truly a beautiful person, inside and out. I can somehow relate to your story. I always felt different from anyone else, like I was less, slower, on a lower level. I had no friends, got severe depressed in my teenage years. At school they noticed but my parents didn't want to see it. I always thought of myself as lazy, stubborn, shy and weak. At 21 I met my first husband (I have 4 kids with him, all on the spectrum), who had his autism diagnosis at 14y I think. We connected immediately but got divorced 7 years later (he is still my best friend). My second husband was a borderline narcissist/psychopath (with him I have 1 kid who is also on the spectrum). At 31 I finally got tested myself. My diagnosis came out to be adhd, autism, (also dyslexia) and c-ptsd due to the undiagnosis all these years. My second husband completely destroyed me mentally, so I got admitted to a psychiatric hospital and lost everything, my house, my kids, my credibility. Now at 38 I still struggle with everything, kids in foster care, but I'm gonna get there. I've bought a house, I drive 2500km a month to see my kids. I'm gonna win in the end. Small steps but I never give up. Every setback makes me stronger.

i do relate. i was told by my parents im 'always healthy' so i didnt think there could be anything wrong. then the older i got, the more i realised im really different. im now 26, awaiting an adhd and an autism assessment. i have struggled with dermatillomania (skin picking) my whole life. i have dyscalculia- i still cant learn my times tables or do anything beyond small number basic maths. i am also hypermobile. ive been depressed/ anxious all through my life. i really appreciate your video. all the love from scotland x

Because you speak the unadorned raw truth, Saga, you will be heard from all those who are not neuro-typical in one way or another : real authenticity is extremely rare and has a way to touch the heart that is unmistakable. I recognized instantly what you feel and felt as you tell your story. It cut into my heart and gut like no other. Your strength too. It is evident and will serve you well. My story is different but the same, but I am much older than you. I am so glad that you were diagnosed much earlier than some of us. My story is that of an undiagnosed Profoundly Gifted child with slight ADD who was diagnosed at 65 years old, by accident, at a brand new therapist's seance. Wow, it clicked, it was unbelievable. I was raised as an only child by a deeply disturbed narcissistic mother and a Gifted father. Our family was completely dysfunctional, no one was diagnosed, my father committed suicide at age 77 and I am still struggling to handle my 91 year old mother who thinks of me as a scape goat or an excuse to boast, depending on her needs. She absolutely hates everything I care about and I am bored to tears or horrified by her mental set and behavior. She is untrue and manipulative to the core and I didn't know this at all, for the longest time. I kept trying to improve to make her happier ! I thought she was neurotic and obsessed with certain things but that she loved me in her own way. It turns out she never has and is not capable of loving or feeling anything for others. And yet, as often, I still have not managed to extricate myself from her claws because of trauma bonding. To this day, I don't know how I am going to come out of this, despite intensive therapy. To those who read this, if any, I want to tell them that we are darn great SURVIVORS if we are able to tell our story, at whatever age. I am sooo happy to see someone as young and marvelous as Saga, who has suffered tremendously in her very soul and identity, showing how incredibly resilient and intelligent she is and how well she has managed. Bless you, Saga. No one ever noticed anything. I was often thought of by my peers as "different", original, impossible to understand, pathologically altruistic and concerned by things that didn't benefit me directly, abnormally intense, abnormally sensitive, completely unpredictable, not from the same universe. How could anyone be so bright in many things and completely incompetent for others ? How could I work so deeply for so long and so hard on certain things then drop the whole thing and move on to something else not even remotely connected or absolutely useless in everyone else's eyes ? Why did I need to be alone all the time ? Those were fairly often raised questions but no one paid much attention, including doctors and therapists. They probably thought I just wasn't normal, but how and why ? Of course I was not "normal", you fools ! Depression, anxiety and feeling completely different or disconnected from anyone else has deeply colored my life. I just couldn't bring myself to like what other people liked. I succeeded however, through relentless huge efforts, in creating a false-self that was so successful that even I believed in it. But deep down, I was struggling and hurting and wondering and lost, squandering my potential. Today no one in my family or among my closed friends understands a thing even though some are trying. It's too much work to try and wrap your head around something that seems incomprehensible and that you never have experienced, even for a minute. And like you said, no one is really interested in this neuro-divergent topic, unless they are directly impacted. It's interesting, explains a lot, ya, but you know, they have so much more important stuff to worry about. We know this, deep down...And then also, when someone is interested, we just don't find the words, we don't know where to begin...! I failed quite spectacularly at a couple of things but I succeeded in much everything I undertook for the sole purpose of proving to myself and others my worth. I was so lost and foolish. It almost killed me : the greatest Schools, top level executive jobs at Disney, a great social life and then I was SAVED by a coma. A burn-out that stopped me cold for a year. I realized that none of these things in my life mattered to me in the least, in fact, I felt aversion for them. I told no one. My profound two-way healing and love connection with animals probably saved my life as it was the one thing that I never negotiated despite what anyone said or did -- it made me experience pure resonance, selfless, completely unconditional love and how it feels to be received as we are by another sentient being. What marvel, what privilege. It made me climb the same mountain over and over again to advocate for animal rights against all odds. I have grieved and grieved many losses, over and over again, particularly the older martyred sighthounds from Andalousia, the galgos I adopted because no one wants an old dog : years of bliss and gratitude and discard of ego; what a relief. High intensity functioning due to different brain wiring is what it is, and the crazy quest for absolutes and ideals suddenly make sense : we suffer more ? Yes, but we experience profoundly positive and fulfilling emotions too. I didn't really realize this until I was in Thailand working with elephants that had been rescued in a sanctuary deep inside the forest. Someone said to me as I was sobbing with relief and clinging one night to the old female elephant that had taken a bad fall that day and that I found to be strong and just fine :"Madame, how lucky you are that you can feel so deeply, so much, so often, such feelings, you cry with deep joy and relief, you cry with bitterness and anguish, you are not afraid to hurt so you dive into love, again and again, we watch you every year, I love the elephants too but I don't feel any of that, I wish I could be like you. You have only met Meta yesterday and look, she breathes in your ear, she is like you, she feels so deeply, elephants are very emotional and often depressed, she thinks you are an elephant but just different body. She knows deep love very well." I had tried to "regulate" and feel LESS all my life. Not anymore. My intense, complex perception of the world and my need to understand were endless sources of joy, interest and battles in a way that I had to keep for myself often but which never failed me : I was unsure about many things but I never doubted my values and will die with them, no matter what tradition or cartesian logic or worldwide norm say. That, in and of itself, is worth being neuro-divergent because we SEE what others can't. I never fully recovered as my nervous system was out of service and complex post traumatic stress symptoms started to kick in. I continue to strip my life of all that was imposed upon me, including what I imposed upon myself. You are so right, how to tell who we really are after having absorbed so many behaviors from a neuro-typical society ? Well, we did what we had to, and we are here, alive, able to talk about it. After all, living a "hybrid" life like this is unique and has expanded our interest and understanding of human nature. You are young and you will discover much more about your core identity and needs, and way faster than older survivors like me ! Read more good books about Aspi women, books are so revealing, as you have found !!! You will do a lot with that wonderful person that you are : the world needs you because it is poor in all the gifts you were born with. Your parents were dealing with issues that absorbed their entire attention and I wouldn't be surprised if one or the other or both had narcissistic tendencies : the obsession with oneself first is common and denial too but the inability to accept something because it doesn't fit into one's "perfect" image of one self and of one's life is a very typically narcissistic thing. If they really saw you as a perfectly normal little girl, they were just believing what they wanted to believe. If they lied to the therapists, same thing : what matters is them, not you and you felt that intensely. It probably couldn't be helped : what people don't see, they don't see, and when they don't want to see, they will do anything to deny it. I wonder if the fact that, in swedish culture, the importance of not standing out or making oneself more or less than others hasn't played a role in the whole apprehension of things by your parents. Perhaps they couldn't stand it because they felt it reflected badly on them ? You explained that particularity very well in one of your videos, if I'm not mistaken. Thank you for this sharing, it matters a great deal, Saga. Thank you also for all your videos. Your light is so bright and natural that it cannot help but soothe and motivate people. 🤗❤️

I feel you…im not autism but introvert. Sometimes im crying when i am arround stranger peoples and have to go Home. It need 29 years to understand who i am. Now i am 32 and now i know how to handle it. Wish you the best 😊

Literally crying with you. So often parents are unsupportive and just can’t stand the idea of you not being normal despite the fact they call you quirky and different every 2 minutes. I similarly couldn’t understand why I was struggling and at my darkest time luckily found autism as a reason that I’m not crazy that the things I do aren’t weird they are just me

This such a raw video. You deserve all the joy life has to offer; none of this is your fault. ❤

Thank God I found you. Getting diagnosed with autism as an adult explained all of my childhood and teenage years in one word. It is liberating. Knowing that it isn’t my fault. And yeah I am heartbroken that nobody in my family or friends is actually willing to help or even just understand what I’m going through. But I have my purpose. And at least up until now, my purpose has kept me alive. I don’t know how far I’ll go. But my diagnosis helps me a lot in understanding myself. Really love that you are brave enough to put yourself out there with such vulnerability. Appreciate it. ❤❤

Thank you for your video, I really cried with you. I have a very similar story as yours, and it encourages me a lot to see someone like me surviving and sharing experiences. I am also autistic (diagnosed when I was 18, now I am 22) and had a difficult childhood because of my abusive parents. My father was/is mentally ill, and was very abusive. My mother was/is also mentally ill, and because she had to take care of my father, she didn’t have any time or interest in me. They always blamed me existing, and because of my traits as an autistic child I was always bullied at school. I tried to kill myself twice between my teenage years, and I’ve never thought that I will be able to have a normal life. Now I don’t live with them anymore and I am studying at a foreign university, also I have a supportive family (they are not my biological family, but they treat me as a daughter), supportive friends and boyfriend. But still I’m spending extremely hard time accepting myself being different from others, because I’ve felt always very guilty about it. There are many things I can’t do, like socializing, and also I get often panick attacks or I start crying. Like you said I also have hypersensitivity towards sounds and lights, which also cause panicking. But as you also said, there are some things I can do very well. I have very good intuition, am very good at playing instruments, learning languages (which helped me escape from my family), and noticing small emotional signs of others. I’m happy about it, because with this skill I can support who I love so much. Though I am still having tough time, I am thankful for having a new opportunity to make my life happier and make myself happier. And I thank you so much for sharing your story, because it made me feel that I am not alone and there is you who is caring for me (though we don’t know each other, it means A LOT to me) and saying that I’m not crazy or worse than others. It was my first time that I can entirely feel understood and accepted, and can feel a connection with someone. Thank you so so much. I send you a lot of love❤️ Therese

I'm sorry for how you have suffered. You are such a beautiful person inside and out. I was diagnosed with ADD in my teens, and I remember taking the number test and the administrator being so surprised that I was finished and saying he'd only seen people "like Rain Man" score so highly. This was a few years before Asperger's became a popular diagnosis, so perhaps, a few years later, I might've received that diagnosis. Still, I can see that I've not struggled nearly to the degree you have, and you have my respect and admiration. I have a daughter who reminds me of you, and you've inspired me to be more compassionate and patient with her when I feel like she is being manipulative or rude or when I'm confused or annoyed by her differences. Thank you, and God bless you for sharing.

Wow that is a strong testimony!! I am a Swedish aspie who is 48 and I got my diagnose when I was 35. I try to support parents in FB-groups because I care about the children...

Your story made me very sad. I’m so sorry it was so difficult. I was recently diagnosed with Asperger’s. (Early 40s) Ironically, I saw a video on KZfaq and realized I related to all of it. I’ve always felt different and was picked on a lot. I thought my difference was from childhood trauma. I struggle with so much now especially after not having to mask during Covid. I question who I would be as well if I didn’t mask. The part where you said we see our strengths by choice was interesting. I’d never thought of that. I’m becoming much more aware of my difficulties and trying to make allowances for them instead of being hard on myself. Sending you virtual hugs.

I am the mother of a 16yo daughter with autism. Although I am already motivated to learn a lot for her sake, and to support her as well as I can, your video gave me a lot to think about. Thank you! I'm very sorry your experience has been so painful. I wish you all the best!

I think this is the most compelling and educational video I have ever seen on KZfaq. Thank you for making it. So glad to know you, even at a distance.

Thank you Saga, for your courage and compassion. You have shared very personal, important experiences and aspects of your journey that can be a miracle for others struggling with the same challenges. You are a hero to me.

Thanks for posting this. My older brother was autistic and despite being diagnosed in early childhood, he didn't had an easy life, he was extremely overweight throughout most of his life, he had very violent meltdowns, he would lash out on people and sometimes bang his head on the floor or wall, he got bullied at school a LOT, and at 13 he took his own life in which was a traumatic moment for me and my family, but according to my mom he didn't show any physical signs that he was suicidal but she looked up his browsing history and he was researching how to kill himself. I was 5 years old when that happened, but I don't blame him for this, my parents did their best to raise him and give him the best life and gotta remember he was diagnosed in the late 90s so there really wasn't much awareness as there is today and watching you're video brings me feelings of sadness but hopefulness and I'm glad you got through it all despite of what you went through. Have a great day.

Thanks for sharing your story. Really important people share. Nothing wrong with you. Embrace your gifts and be with those who accept you 😀

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I'm sorry to hear that your parents were not supportive, and I hope you are able to surround yourself with supportive people now. I look forward to watching more helpful videos from you about minimalism and beyond.

Thank you for sharing your story and experience. Both my kids have autism and it was alot to learn as a parent. But now I see it like a very positive. Sure it’s not easy for anyone that feels they are different when the whole society is built for people without diagnosis “normal” so you really have to fight for getting help in school. Now I live in Sweden and that’s not the best place to get help today.

Thank you SO much for sharing your story. You are a wonderful person.

There are no words I can find other than thank you for sharing something so personal.

Hi Saga. Your video is good because it shows how you're figuring things out. My mother was a hoarder. I grew up not having a place to host friends. I'm 66 now. I have forgiven my parents. Parents are just real people with flaws, often not knowing the right things to do. It's hard to forgive them because of the cruel times I had, but I also had beautiful times with them. My parents loved each other. They weren't perfect but I think they were trying, in their own way, to do the right thing. They gave me the gift of life. Now, because of them, I can walk the Earth and experience the beauty of it all. For this one reason alone, we should forgive, move on, and respect our parents. You will be set free and be a better person.

Thank you so much for doing this....I understand how brave you have to be to do this in front of the whole world...on a public platform...but it is people like you who take up such huge task...or I should say responsibility of bringing this to light are changing this world one step at a time...I send peace and love to you...thank you so much for being such brave person...

just found this video. so sorry, you had to go through this. sounds a lot like my life and i wish that to nobody. it's just cruel. hope you are in a better place in your life now.

You are very brave and have all my deep-felt sympathies. My brother just passed at 68 depressed, bipolar and with many more maladies all his life. I realized when he was 40 that he was autistic from an article I read. He saw many psychiatrists and psychologists since he was 17, but only got worse and never received an evaluation for autism. I later worked with autistic preschoolers for 10 years, which was some compensation. Many parents of autistic children are in denial. I completely enjoy your channel and benefit from it; you have my heartfelt sympathy. Good luck.

❤You are seen , heard and understood. You are a beautiful, intelligent, creative woman. I’m sorry you have suffered and experienced so much pain and sadness. Leave all the pain and suffering behind and go forward with your new life. God bless you. He loves you and cares for you. He made us all “ different “. You are free. You are very compassionate and tender hearted. I hope you find much love and have joy in your life.❤

"Embrace the uniqueness of autism. It is not a disability, it's a different ability." ❤

You are so brave, this really touched me at a deep level! Thank you for baring your soul like this. My granddaughter is likely on the spectrum, and I am a little bit too. Your unretouched telling about how it was for you opened up another level of understanding.

Thank you so much for sharing this. Your words are so authentic and raw and really resonated with me. Last night I wrote this huge paragraph comment and then my internet crapped out so it never posted, but I wanted to try again. I have not been diagnosed with asd yet but at 41 have been assessed for adhd. It's very obvious to me that I have both - but I'm afraid to get an autism diagnosis for a few reasons. First of all, many medical professionals tend to have this mindset that autism is mainly a thing that affects males and tend to get diagnosed when they are young. I feel like I wouldn't be believed or validated. I know very well what I struggle with, but I'm afraid that I'm not 'autistic enough' to get a diagnosis. Plus at this point I'm not sure it would change anything. I've had sensory issues my whole life, always felt like an outsider, need lots of alone time, prefer time with nature or animals than with people, rarely felt confident or competent, had lots of anxiety and some depressive episodes, etc. I can't list it all. But I also felt trapped as a kid. My parents were not as compassionate as I would have liked. They were rather horrible in their own separate ways. I've done a ton of research and there was something that kinda blew my mind - autism has a very strong genetic component. It's very possible that one of our parents had asd without knowing it, so they were perhaps unaware of their impact on us. If I hadn't done a deep dive into content and information about the subject, I wouldn't have the knowledge and understanding I have now. What a lot of people don't know is that autism isn't just melt downs or things you can see - there's a huge internal struggle that no one sees. And we can get very good at masking it. Whether or not I get assessed for asd, I intend to fight the good fight to bring understanding to others. I feel a part of this community and I want there to be more compassion and less 'othering', less focus on words like disorder or deficits, more acceptance. We're all just humans trying to exist in the world.

Wow I relate so much! My mom was always making fun of me for being different and making me feel like a loser but never attempted to actually help me seek therapy or anything. I never knew what was wrong with me. I had trouble making friends and the friends I did meet all turned on me. It wasn't until just recently that I discovered I am autistic which helped me so much to understand and accept myself. I still can't tell my family. I know they won't acknowledge it. But I can now forgive myself for my social failures in life. It's nice to see that there are other people like me. You are a beautiful person inside and out with an awesome perspective. I wish you the best. Also you have a very nice and soothing voice. :)

I was diagnosed with ASperger Syndrome as an adult, i felt relief because put into a context many of my life, it was a hard journey, it was akward most of the time, but i survived, still i have issues with my social skills, but i can handle it, steg till steg, the same with frustration feelings, i can communicate without any problem, i am good at sports, i develop many intelectual skills , have a good job and a plenty life to live , Autism is a condition not a disease, many of us have a lot of positive characteristics asociated with this condition, i feel myself special, strong and it is good, we can handle it, so my best wishes with you and thank you for share this personal issue to educate and put into discussion this important issue.

You have started your journey. Don't compare your timeline or progress to others. You are on your journey and do what is right for you. You are beautiful and intelligently created by a loving God. I'm seeing similarities between us that are leading me to look further into my previous depression/anxiety/adhd diagnosis along with my addictions. I feel I may have sensory issues if not more. Thank you for telling your story. None of this is your fault dear. You have an understanding and gentleness beyond your years. Your trauma and story are helping others. I also hope that your patience for "normal" people grows. There are good people who really do want to understand and help... love to you from Ohio in the U.S.

You are such a beautiful person and im so sorry all this has happened to you, hugs and love to you ❤

I'm so sorry...you shouldn't have had to go through all this on your own. I'm glad you met someone that is good to you. You are beautiful inside and out.

Thank you so much for making this video, you are so brave, intelligent, and kind to share your story with the world!!!

Thanks for sharing! You are not alone in this. The more we are brave to tell our story the more education and healing we can do. ;)

A touching reminder. You never know what kind of struggles other people are suffering from.

OH my this is an immensely huge vservice to all of humanity!!!

Ah, now i know why you popped up in the algorithm. You are an asparagus too! Thank you for sharing your story with us, i understand how difficult growing up with autism can be. You really have a good understanding about your skills and where you are situated in society. You grew up in a world you didn't understand and that didn't understand you and wasn't available to you. Wich is at least traumatizing! Most of us wonder what we could have been if we had been recognized and acknowledged, i am 39 and i am still angry at my family and surroundings at moments for not being there when i only needed to be understood. You are a beatiful person, your autism is a superpower! You are awakened, look at where you are, travelling the planet, in your own kind of way! Living a non-comforming lifestyle! You being you is the most important thing you can do! You sharing this really is important too, and you are definitely not alone in your experiences, feelings, and emotions. I am very grateful you shared this, this means a lot, and i wish you the best of luck, a lot of fulfillment, and happines and coming to peace with your past. You are an example for the rest of us!

Thank you. I love you and your husband. I do not understand people. There is no way to judge anyone fairly, at least as far as I know. I just do not know enough about anyone to judge them. I do not even understand everything about myself, so why should I even be allowed to judge anyone else. I have never been to a therapist, but I think am "different". For example, I am not completely open to anyone, and even to the most closest to me, when I try to be open I feel like I am still putting a mask on myself. I am alone nearly all of the time. Even at school, when I am having conversations with others I feel like I am not there, only another person is. Luckily my parents do not care, they are just kind and try their best, although I know they sometimes just do not understand me. I am blessed. However, I do not even understand what this "different" means, I have no idea how other people their brains work, if they are anything like me, or I am an outsider. So, how can I be for sure I am different? What does this different even mean? Why would we even put people into groups? Is not everyone different and should we do our best to learn from others and try to let everybody understand themselves better? Why does anyone even judge anyone, how is that considered normal to some people? I am providing more questions than answers. I feel like the more I think about topics like this, the harder they become. Thank you for being so open and vulnerable, it is something we need more of. I sure need, Max

I am always messing with the air conditioning or heat in the car as well. Also, I dont think you sound monotone when you speak. I've been told at times i sound that way as well. My mother has had mental health issues since she was 12 and is very self centered so i definitely understand you. I am so sorry your mother took her life. Suicide took the life of my paternal grandfather. On a positive note, i luv your hair. You remind me of a young Claudia Schiffer. We as Aspie females need to keep moving forward. Take it one day at a time. Blessings!

I am very grateful to have stumbled upon your channel. I can’t fully articulate how much I appreciate you and your honesty about the challenges of being on the autism spectrum. I very much like the insights into Swedish language, culture, and history. The Scandinavian countries are examples of how nations and their governments can actually be good for their people. Thank you❤

You are amazing and you explain your journey so very well. I am neurotypical but I work in a special school for autistic children and support lots of individuals in the wide range of the autistic spectrum. One of the most difficult challenges is for the parents who expect 'perfection' dealing with meltdowns and what is deemed anti social behaviour is challenging and does take a great deal of understanding by all parties . Neuro-diverse is starting to be more accepted in society we have more than two genders now and some of the children I work with often have confusion about themselves who they are, coping mechanisms to fit into the real world and change their gender ,change their own name weekly and even gender and titles. Autism in women was certainly unidentified until the last few years , it was deemed to be a male affliction only so great numbers of women like yourself are only just being better supported. I admit I have had a few relationships with women who clearly are on the spectrum and I have managed to support in some ways and acquire proper testing. It is not easy I can accept who they are but it is difficult for them to accept a neurotypical world. If I even as much talked to another woman even a shop attendant I was scorned and deemed to be inappropriate , which caused arguments and insecurity .So I admire you totally for explaining so well. As humans we need to accept differences , here in the UK employers are legally bound to make reasonable adjustments for neuro-diverse /dyslexic / dyscalculia in the workplace but rarely do i see this happen in practice . Each of us are different and individual and we must all learn to accept differences. I have learnt so much about myself and how i can communicate better by working with autistic / aspies and set up a self help group which was really helpful for many individuals .A worked with married couples who we able to explain well to help others accept how they are. It was a challenge to create a group as many individuals found it really difficult to be out of their own environment and with other people ....its not required in their world to be social or need other people. Even going to the cinema or music events where lots of people were around was over traumatic in their world. But the more we can share and learn the easier for young children it will be . to stop bullying and intimidation at an early age is essential and only by amazing people like yourself will the world we live in change . you are a true leader ......and so helpful to others .....celebrate our difference .....love and light x

I noticed you feel relieved looking back at the time you didn't know what's going on with all pressures and expectations of life still being on your shoulders. Glad you found what's going on and started improving your life. You're only 27, there's many times more than that waiting for you, and remember only a few of these years you started to form the life you are happy to live. Yes it s*cks to think of what could have been, but we all know we can only learn from the past, the present and the future are only what we can care about. I am 27 as well, like you was different from the rest but with different patterns of brain activity and environment. I always had desire to be in control of my thinking and actions, to be normal(there's was a school friend whom I envied and half-joked about how perfectly normal he is). I never visited a psychologist since I'm in eastern Europe, don't know if I have autism but your story reminded of my struggles. In search of control and normality after school I started reading philosophy, psychology and Buddhism. I cried when I thought i discovered psychological descriptions that fit me, but for some reason I did not stuck and researched them better. Instead I pursued Buddhism. After years I feel like I'm more in control and know what's going on in my mind, not sure where it will get me, but I'm going to continue. Modern psychology is useful as well, practically it reminds a lot Buddhist methods. I agree with you, our society is not perfect, yet there's a reason for that. It helps me to think that we are just animals born with certain evolutionary characteristics and environment, as humanity we had to navigate all of that and come to the current world, which is far from perfect but a lot better than in the past. It's still a long way to go, but the outcome is solely dependant on us. I wish to see people to be kind to each other on fundamental humanistic level, not expectations and norms which never fit everybody. Your comment was in the top of a "her 86m2", I clicked on your channel and found an interesting video, and today this open touching self-expression. It seems sometimes most amazing things happen accidentally.

Thank you for bringing us to see the world from an autism lens. Your advocating for children with autism is admirable. Have you heard of the organization, Children’s Health Defense? It helps explain why some children suffer autism. We don’t always know what the other person has gone through or is struggling with, be it a hidden disability, a loss, or simply having a bad day. We are finite human beings, far from being perfect and often self-centered and unkind towards others, especially when the other person is different than us or simply inconvenience us. Yet, each one of us is asked to be kind and patient towards others, always think of others more important than ourselves. God knows our frame. May we draw strength from Him to do what is good. Thank you again for sharing. Your tears did not fall in vain.

So honest and vulnerable thank you sincerely. I have two grandchildren who are showing signs of autism and this has helped me see them so clearly and I love them for their difference. Thank you for sharing you are changing the world 🙏❤️❤️❤️❤️

I am SO SORRY for all you've been through! It breaks my heart to see your normally-smiling face so torn with sadness. Our daughter is ADHD, only controlled with medication. Some have criticized us for using medication, but she WANTS it. On the few occasions that she's been without the meds, she shakes and bounces off the walls and gets really scared. She's had a couple of intense psychological exams over her 20 years, and she's been told that her eye-hand coordination and balance are such that she should probably never drive, and she can't ride a bike, either. Both exams determined that she was not on the autism spectrum. So my wife and I have had to learn how to deal with her not being "normal", too. She's not a self-starter in either school-work or tasks around the house, but does like cooking. She loses control and hollers/throws a fit once or twice a day. It's been a big adjustment for everyone, and society doesn't put up with much of this behavior, which has cost her friends. I love her beyond all reason, but there are times I really don't like her very much, because of her behavior. Like I said, it's been a big adjustment as she's grown up but not matured very much. Thank you very much for your honesty in this video. I'll be praying for your peace every day.

I hear you and see you and you sharing this makes me feel seen and heard as well. I had similar behaviors as you. My mother would attend most of my therapy appointments, telling my therapist I was lying to her anytime I spoke my truth. My mother pushed the idea that I had Borderline Personality Disorder. Then, she spent the next 10 years using that diagnosis against me. She now refuses to consider that I may be autistic. And everything was always my fault. "Pretending how to be human" yes, this is right for me too. Thank you for sharing.

You are simply AMAZING. I've watched your other videos first and you are always calm, sweet, reasonable, understanding and warm. Not only that, you are smart, capable and insightful. I would never have guessed in a million years that you've suffered through so many mental issues. Thanks for sharing everything. You've done a fantastic job with yourself and you should be very, very proud of that ❤❤❤

I’m living through my autism as well, I get overwhelmed and forget things when I’m around others

Wow, the raw emotion in the video is so real and relatable. My fear is that when my parents have to answer the questioner, that they will be dismissive. But your strength to move on despite that is beyond inspiring.

Beautifully and honestly expressed. I have always tried to be kind and understanding with neuro divergent people, but I will try harder.

You are an amazing person. The way you speak in your videos with so much honesty. I feel you, I feel your pain. As a mom of an autistic little girl I understand you so well. So sorry because your parents weren't there for you. I cannot imagine leaving my child like that and not caring for her. I am so scared of dying because I cannot imagine leaving her alone especially now when she needs me the most. As parents we should be our children's rocks and number one support system. Thank you for all the effort you are putting into making things clearer for us so we can learn from your experiences. Think about how many parents and kids you are helping. Thank you. I wish you all the best things in life ❤

After watching this all I want to do is send you Love and more Love. I believe we are all Brothers and Sisters and we are here to help each other figure out the "Puzzle" of life. You are very special and you are helping all of us understand our own lives as well as your own. Love is the answer to all questions. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

I feel so many things watching you. I am sorry and heartbroken and amazed (at your intelligence) but mostly I feel ignorant--I truly have so much to learn. You have enlightened me. thank you. please take care.

Saga, I'm so sorry you have been hurt so much. Having an alcoholic parent, parents divorcing and finding that one does not fit in is traumatizing. I pray that you are healed and feel peace.

I’m currently going through this now. I just turned 21 and finished uni and everything just collapsed. I also have PMDD which I spend 10 days a month in an episode blaming my autism for not enjoying life. Im slowly trying to heal from trauma and find things I like in the world. Thankyou for this video ❤️

I just saw your channel for the first time because of my addiction to learning about van life :D I am beginning to see that many of us that have Asperger's or Autism seem to gravitate toward this nomadic lifestyle (the scientist in me will add that this is often a successful treatment for soldiers who come back from war services with PTSD) ... for me, I did not realize what I had until I was in my mid 40s when I started a tutoring and instructing, with a focus on children with learning challenges .... it was then, sitting in school meetings about the child, listening to parents and hearing about diagnosis that I realized I was symptomatic of the same characteristics... and have been my whole life... it has been a long journey over the last 10 years to figure this out, while going through a divorce, handling four children on my own, etc ... but I am grateful for the journey and for each day understanding and supporting my students which gives me freedom to do the same for myself... I also had to heavily unmask (we have a very similar childhood and early adult lives) and have come to realize over the years what I had done (I sometimes think this must be what if feels like for an alcoholic or addict to go through their therapy or AA or similar where you consider your past actions and ask for forgiveness as much as possible).... on this journey, as I work through embarrassment, anger, and sometimes frustration, I found that it is ok for me to be alone ... it is ok to see the world differently ... it is ok to be ok with yourself .... and to have support ... for me too, I traveled a road through I think every religion possible ... read books, participated, etc ... I finally went back to the Bible and read it for myself, and based on my research brain (I am one of those that hyper-focus until I know everything about a subject) I came to the conclusion, God makes no mistakes ... and I have seen this in my students and myself ... where there are deficits there are amazing abilities ... abilities that others do not have that have often been life savings for others .... I want to add, I think I saw a title you have about having children.... I haven't seen it yet, but if you considered no, reconsider ... all four of children are great... they have dyslexia (which seems to go with Asperger's and often Autism) but by me being aware of what will help minimize the more painful sides of Asperger's and Autism, they have grown and thrived .... they are such a huge blessing and now they have patience with their students (while they finish high school and university they are gymnastics coaches) many of whom have neurodivergent challenges ... final comment :-) - just like stepping away from alcohol and partying (oh wow was that part identical to my life)... one day at a time ... know the real you was created with purpose and meaning... be blessed! Thanks for the great channel!

I’m sorry your parents were abusive towards you. You didn’t deserve it, no one does. I’m glad you’re happy now and you found a better life.

This is so important. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

dealing with a depression or a similar neuro issue is never a pop story. I'm glad to hear there's a substantial improvement in your life. hugging you (if that's acceptable, of course).

Thank you for sharing your story. Sending lots of love to you, Saga. ❤🌺❤

in my heart, right from the start.

You are the sweetest person, and i love all of your videos, but this is my favorite. So proud of you and all that you've overcome so far and will continue to overcome in the future as you heal. Hugs and love to you!

So sorry to hear about your struggles. Looks like you are healing and moving forward in your life.👍❤️😍

You are only to be admired. You pushed through some rough patches and learnt survival. Its a lovely story to hear that your husband has just been tge right person for you. Its rare to find that and you sound very mature and insightful. Have happy times with your man. He has completed you.

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. The world has a lot to learn and I have learnt from you.

Thank you for sharing your experiences. I'm sorry you had to go through that as a child and continue to have strained family relationships, I know how you feel. ❤

Thanks for sharing & being authentic about your experience. Each voice matters & makes a difference.

You are so courageous! Thank you for sharing. You are helping others and inspiring many people.

Brave girl! Brave telling all of this! Have no word how much it toutched!

You are a lovely person and I wish you happiness throughout your life.

It is so brave and sweet of you to tell us about your challenges. I'm so sorry your family didn't understand. Or help you find a path for yourself. My entire family has many mental health issues often leading to alcoholism or substance abuse. I'm happy that wasn't your path and that you're letting people know what's it's like to be you. Thank you for sharing yourself, and please know you are very special and someone worth knowing and understanding.

Thank you so much for sharing your story! This opens my mind to my son's differences. I can't thank you enough! You are a wonderful person, be yourself.

Thanks for sharing your story, I hope you continue healing and thriving you are an amazing person to this world. Thanks for helping others. And make the difference in this world.

Thank you sooooo much Johanna for posting this video. Believe me you are BRAVE ,WONDERFUL and BEAUTIFUL..;but not only.. You acted so bravely in doing so.I see it as a true miraculous gift because i think my son might be a neurotypical person even though he has not been diagnosed as one so far. He is 13 and I have been struggling understanding him, his behaviour, supporting him everyday outside school in his homework. Proving what is not visible has been a real ordeal. I wish you wonderful things in your life ! Please keep on doing videos ! (Mareva from Tahiti )

Oh I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. You're an inspiration and a wonderful human being and I bow to your bravery in talking about this so openly. 😢

This is so beautiful thank you for your authenticity

Thank you so much for sharing your painful journey. I think you are a bright light in the world and that many people have benefited already from your willingness to share. Namaste ❤️

Thank you for being so open with your life experience so far. 69 yo male here. Only recently diagnosed but I had known for a long time. My son was diagnosed with Aspergers around 14 yo. His mother struggles with her own mental health, and never really wanted to see what the diagnosis meant for our son, so I can relate in some small way to your childhood struggles. I think what you have to say may help many people.

Hi, thank you for sharing your story. I'm a level 2 autistic adult, and I'm still struggling for legal recognition. Mental health has a poor consideration in my country. I can relate, especially when you said: "life is a prison". For neurotypical people I'm a retarded but I'm not enough to receive the help I need. I just found your channel but I think I'll binge-watch it. I'm autistic, vegan, minimalist and my dream is to live in a van. I apologize for my poor English.

Thank you for being vulnerable and telling us all your truth!!!....

You are so beautiful inside and out. You deserve all the happiness of the world. Thank you for your vulnerability ❤

when she said they took it from me guuuuurrrrl i FEEL YOU

I thank God so much that I found your video about autism! It is a lifesaver! Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing your life! This is so helpful!

Bless you for sharing I have an autistic child in my life and I always seek to learn anyway to help him be happy and treated with kindness and respect. You are a very strong woman