This is, without doubt, the rawest and most beautiful testimony I have listened to on KZfaq. I feel privileged to hear your story and saddened by the lack of support you received. I do not have superlatives enough to describe the courage that it took to post this. You are a bright light in a neuro-typical world. I suspect I am at the very, very mild end of the spectrum (never diagnosed, but 'different' at school). And I managed to learn coping mechanisms to be relatively effective in the world. I am an extreme introvert and highly sensitive to noise. I learned a lot when going through a Myers-Briggs exercise at work about different personality types (however flawed the model may be): Why did I react 'oddly' in situations others found normal? Why would going to a nightclub at university be anathema to me, because of the overwhelm of the discordant sounds and having so many people invading my personal space? Why is the sound of someone eating, especially something like a apple, like nails being scratched down a blackboard? I will research what you said about masking, as I suspect I have been doing this all my life. I am very glad you have found the non-judgemental partner you describe. Thank you for sharing this immensely personal testimony. Even being fairly self-aware now (over 40 and having done quite a bit of practise in the Buddhist tradition), I found this helpful to me.

My daughter is 3 and is autistic. Non verbal, we’re working on it and she’s doing better. You are such an inspiration my love! I know not everyone is the same but you are making me cry because I have so much hope for my little girl ❤️ my heart is with you and I’ll be looking forward to watching more of your videos… have a blessed day love

I am so sorry that you have suffered so much. But you know, you are a LIGHTWORKER. You are shining your light to illuminate the way for others. That is why you care so much for animals and are not materialistic and crave simplicity. It's why you struggle to connect. It is why you have the amazing ability to see through all the conditioning which so much of the human family labours under. 27 is so young. Like the alchemist who turned lead into gold, you will turn your trauma into GOLD. One day, on the journey you will realise that all of this has become your greatest gift and your greatest treasure. Be blessed x

I cried watching this because I know it too well. The sense of entrapment, helplessness and being absolutely stranded in a world that makes less and less sense with time. My youth was the same - messed up parents, kids just being an after thought, no one recognizing the pain your going through. Btw, I know Swedish ppl speak English really well as a second language but your capacity to articulate your situation so vividly and with such impact would rival any 1st speaker of English. I hope you're finding hope and positivity in your life.

I strongly relate with your parents reaction to your diagnosis. After i was diagnosed (at 20 years old) and even during the evaluation, my parents were in denial. Even thought they've said to me all my life (as young as 4 in a home video) how goofy, weird, alien, silly I am. Even now after pointing out my symptoms as a lighthearted joke, like how clumsy, lazy, anxious etc I can be, they tell me don't ever use a diagnosis as an excuse for anything. I never have, so i'm slightly confused how I've gone all my light with zero catering from people yet always having to cater to others, then I get an explanation for why i am the way i am, and get told not to use that as an excuse. I want to make accommodations for myself so i can be my best potential, but i don't know how since i'm still living with them.

Wow! I felt like you were describing my life, except for me it was depression and adhd. I was always told to "change my attitude" and that I was a " bad person" because I was so emotional. I was never told that my feelings were okay or asked to talk about how I was feeling. I felt the same kind of pain. No one understood me and no one wanted to try. It's still with me to this day. People who don't feel depressed just can't seem to accept that it's a real thing....and that it's very painful. With adhd, your mind has such a hard time focusing, you start 10 things at once, you walk into a room for one reason and leave for another....The worst part of that is I have a terrible memory, always have, and it hurts me in every type of job I've worked at. My family is always trying to tell me how to do things better; they just don't understand that my mind works differently from theirs. I'm so happy you have found a loving husband who understands and cares so much about your journey and I hope you feel stronger every day!

Wow, you are beyond brave. Especially the part you said that you had to cater to your parents because they didn’t want to accept your diagnosis. Your vibe is authentic and pure. I’m glad you are alive and strong. Thank you for sharing this video. Your perspective really brought awareness. Thank you 🙏🏽🙌🏽

I provide support for individuals with Autism. I have enjoyed all your videos. It is so enlightening to be able to hear your experiences, and hints. Many of the hints I have intuitively practiced.Such as letting the so-called non- verbal individual teach me THIER language. I help them communicate in ways that make sense to them. You are a wonderful sweet person that will help a lot of people to relate to the Autistic people in their lives. Bless every word of video.

Thank God I found you. Getting diagnosed with autism as an adult explained all of my childhood and teenage years in one word. It is liberating. Knowing that it isn’t my fault. And yeah I am heartbroken that nobody in my family or friends is actually willing to help or even just understand what I’m going through. But I have my purpose. And at least up until now, my purpose has kept me alive. I don’t know how far I’ll go. But my diagnosis helps me a lot in understanding myself. Really love that you are brave enough to put yourself out there with such vulnerability. Appreciate it. ❤❤

i do relate. i was told by my parents im 'always healthy' so i didnt think there could be anything wrong. then the older i got, the more i realised im really different. im now 26, awaiting an adhd and an autism assessment. i have struggled with dermatillomania (skin picking) my whole life. i have dyscalculia- i still cant learn my times tables or do anything beyond small number basic maths. i am also hypermobile. ive been depressed/ anxious all through my life. i really appreciate your video. all the love from scotland x

Thanks for letting the neurotypical people into your world and experience, your story helps us understand so much better. Praying for your healing ❤

I just want to jump through the screen and hug you 💕

Literally crying with you. So often parents are unsupportive and just can’t stand the idea of you not being normal despite the fact they call you quirky and different every 2 minutes. I similarly couldn’t understand why I was struggling and at my darkest time luckily found autism as a reason that I’m not crazy that the things I do aren’t weird they are just me

I’m 65 with Asperger Syndrome on the autistic spectrum due to a traumatic brain injury when I was around 4 or 5 years old. No one can tell anymore that I’m different. My socializing was learned mostly as an adult, especially the last 15 years. The hardest things I had to overcome was my slurry speech which I practice almost daily, learning to separate my emotions from other people expressing their emotions, not being concerned about others if they don’t care about me, small talk, conversation turn taking, staying on topic, allowing others to say what they want to say. My brother is a narcissist which I learned from KZfaq Dr. Ramani videos and books. Your therapists were incompetent, they were at fault, not you.

Aspie here, that cant mask. What an extraordinary insight you have. Thank you.

Because you speak the unadorned raw truth, Saga, you will be heard from all those who are not neuro-typical in one way or another : real authenticity is extremely rare and has a way to touch the heart that is unmistakable. I recognized instantly what you feel and felt as you tell your story. It cut into my heart and gut like no other. Your strength too. It is evident and will serve you well. My story is different but the same, but I am much older than you. I am so glad that you were diagnosed much earlier than some of us. My story is that of an undiagnosed Profoundly Gifted child with slight ADD who was diagnosed at 65 years old, by accident, at a brand new therapist's seance. Wow, it clicked, it was unbelievable. I was raised as an only child by a deeply disturbed narcissistic mother and a Gifted father. Our family was completely dysfunctional, no one was diagnosed, my father committed suicide at age 77 and I am still struggling to handle my 91 year old mother who thinks of me as a scape goat or an excuse to boast, depending on her needs. She absolutely hates everything I care about and I am bored to tears or horrified by her mental set and behavior. She is untrue and manipulative to the core and I didn't know this at all, for the longest time. I kept trying to improve to make her happier ! I thought she was neurotic and obsessed with certain things but that she loved me in her own way. It turns out she never has and is not capable of loving or feeling anything for others. And yet, as often, I still have not managed to extricate myself from her claws because of trauma bonding. To this day, I don't know how I am going to come out of this, despite intensive therapy. To those who read this, if any, I want to tell them that we are darn great SURVIVORS if we are able to tell our story, at whatever age. I am sooo happy to see someone as young and marvelous as Saga, who has suffered tremendously in her very soul and identity, showing how incredibly resilient and intelligent she is and how well she has managed. Bless you, Saga. No one ever noticed anything. I was often thought of by my peers as "different", original, impossible to understand, pathologically altruistic and concerned by things that didn't benefit me directly, abnormally intense, abnormally sensitive, completely unpredictable, not from the same universe. How could anyone be so bright in many things and completely incompetent for others ? How could I work so deeply for so long and so hard on certain things then drop the whole thing and move on to something else not even remotely connected or absolutely useless in everyone else's eyes ? Why did I need to be alone all the time ? Those were fairly often raised questions but no one paid much attention, including doctors and therapists. They probably thought I just wasn't normal, but how and why ? Of course I was not "normal", you fools ! Depression, anxiety and feeling completely different or disconnected from anyone else has deeply colored my life. I just couldn't bring myself to like what other people liked. I succeeded however, through relentless huge efforts, in creating a false-self that was so successful that even I believed in it. But deep down, I was struggling and hurting and wondering and lost, squandering my potential. Today no one in my family or among my closed friends understands a thing even though some are trying. It's too much work to try and wrap your head around something that seems incomprehensible and that you never have experienced, even for a minute. And like you said, no one is really interested in this neuro-divergent topic, unless they are directly impacted. It's interesting, explains a lot, ya, but you know, they have so much more important stuff to worry about. We know this, deep down...And then also, when someone is interested, we just don't find the words, we don't know where to begin...! I failed quite spectacularly at a couple of things but I succeeded in much everything I undertook for the sole purpose of proving to myself and others my worth. I was so lost and foolish. It almost killed me : the greatest Schools, top level executive jobs at Disney, a great social life and then I was SAVED by a coma. A burn-out that stopped me cold for a year. I realized that none of these things in my life mattered to me in the least, in fact, I felt aversion for them. I told no one. My profound two-way healing and love connection with animals probably saved my life as it was the one thing that I never negotiated despite what anyone said or did -- it made me experience pure resonance, selfless, completely unconditional love and how it feels to be received as we are by another sentient being. What marvel, what privilege. It made me climb the same mountain over and over again to advocate for animal rights against all odds. I have grieved and grieved many losses, over and over again, particularly the older martyred sighthounds from Andalousia, the galgos I adopted because no one wants an old dog : years of bliss and gratitude and discard of ego; what a relief. High intensity functioning due to different brain wiring is what it is, and the crazy quest for absolutes and ideals suddenly make sense : we suffer more ? Yes, but we experience profoundly positive and fulfilling emotions too. I didn't really realize this until I was in Thailand working with elephants that had been rescued in a sanctuary deep inside the forest. Someone said to me as I was sobbing with relief and clinging one night to the old female elephant that had taken a bad fall that day and that I found to be strong and just fine :"Madame, how lucky you are that you can feel so deeply, so much, so often, such feelings, you cry with deep joy and relief, you cry with bitterness and anguish, you are not afraid to hurt so you dive into love, again and again, we watch you every year, I love the elephants too but I don't feel any of that, I wish I could be like you. You have only met Meta yesterday and look, she breathes in your ear, she is like you, she feels so deeply, elephants are very emotional and often depressed, she thinks you are an elephant but just different body. She knows deep love very well." I had tried to "regulate" and feel LESS all my life. Not anymore. My intense, complex perception of the world and my need to understand were endless sources of joy, interest and battles in a way that I had to keep for myself often but which never failed me : I was unsure about many things but I never doubted my values and will die with them, no matter what tradition or cartesian logic or worldwide norm say. That, in and of itself, is worth being neuro-divergent because we SEE what others can't. I never fully recovered as my nervous system was out of service and complex post traumatic stress symptoms started to kick in. I continue to strip my life of all that was imposed upon me, including what I imposed upon myself. You are so right, how to tell who we really are after having absorbed so many behaviors from a neuro-typical society ? Well, we did what we had to, and we are here, alive, able to talk about it. After all, living a "hybrid" life like this is unique and has expanded our interest and understanding of human nature. You are young and you will discover much more about your core identity and needs, and way faster than older survivors like me ! Read more good books about Aspi women, books are so revealing, as you have found !!! You will do a lot with that wonderful person that you are : the world needs you because it is poor in all the gifts you were born with. Your parents were dealing with issues that absorbed their entire attention and I wouldn't be surprised if one or the other or both had narcissistic tendencies : the obsession with oneself first is common and denial too but the inability to accept something because it doesn't fit into one's "perfect" image of one self and of one's life is a very typically narcissistic thing. If they really saw you as a perfectly normal little girl, they were just believing what they wanted to believe. If they lied to the therapists, same thing : what matters is them, not you and you felt that intensely. It probably couldn't be helped : what people don't see, they don't see, and when they don't want to see, they will do anything to deny it. I wonder if the fact that, in swedish culture, the importance of not standing out or making oneself more or less than others hasn't played a role in the whole apprehension of things by your parents. Perhaps they couldn't stand it because they felt it reflected badly on them ? You explained that particularity very well in one of your videos, if I'm not mistaken. Thank you for this sharing, it matters a great deal, Saga. Thank you also for all your videos. Your light is so bright and natural that it cannot help but soothe and motivate people. 🤗❤️

My heart goes out to you my dear. You are so brave to my dear to talk about this subject. I am a Pastor and a new BCA or Behavior Technician training to be a RBT or Registered Behavior Technician. I work with younger kids. You inspire me to be the best I can in this new career field and help all those that I can to live a healthy and more productive life. I want you to know that you are a blessing to the Lord and that Jesus loves all his children. I just want to reach out and hug you. I am happy that you have found love in your life. He is a very blessed man. God bless, Pastor Wayne. Ps. I hope you read this and reply. Cheers

I feel you…im not autism but introvert. Sometimes im crying when i am arround stranger peoples and have to go Home. It need 29 years to understand who i am. Now i am 32 and now i know how to handle it. Wish you the best 😊

I see that you did this 2 years ago. i hope things have improved for you. I have an unusual autism story. It is very long so I will not put it in the comments, but if you ever need to talk, i am available. I am a 65 year old grandma who was diagnosed at 55. Odd thing is....I was a specialist in severe Autism as a profession, and never saw it in myself. I knew I was different since I was 2 years old. At my birthday party my mom invited neighborhood girls to my party at my home. I distinctly remember thinking I don't belong here, and they shouldn't be in my home because they don't know me and weren't my friends. That's pretty much how I felt my whole life, but learned to mask at a very young age, except the year I had volunteer mutism in junior high. It was such a relief when I finally went to a psychiatrist to see if he could figure out what the deal was with me. I cried for days in wonderment and relief when diagnosed. We know so much more now about differences between men and women with autism. It is amazing. I tell no one other than family due to the prejudices toward the diagnosis. I saw it too much as a specialist, and don't trust anyone else to understand and not judge. Thank you for sharing your story. You are amazing. I admire your frank perspective and hope all is well with your beautiful self.

Wow that is a strong testimony!! I am a Swedish aspie who is 48 and I got my diagnose when I was 35. I try to support parents in FB-groups because I care about the children...

Thank you for your video, I really cried with you. I have a very similar story as yours, and it encourages me a lot to see someone like me surviving and sharing experiences. I am also autistic (diagnosed when I was 18, now I am 22) and had a difficult childhood because of my abusive parents. My father was/is mentally ill, and was very abusive. My mother was/is also mentally ill, and because she had to take care of my father, she didn’t have any time or interest in me. They always blamed me existing, and because of my traits as an autistic child I was always bullied at school. I tried to kill myself twice between my teenage years, and I’ve never thought that I will be able to have a normal life. Now I don’t live with them anymore and I am studying at a foreign university, also I have a supportive family (they are not my biological family, but they treat me as a daughter), supportive friends and boyfriend. But still I’m spending extremely hard time accepting myself being different from others, because I’ve felt always very guilty about it. There are many things I can’t do, like socializing, and also I get often panick attacks or I start crying. Like you said I also have hypersensitivity towards sounds and lights, which also cause panicking. But as you also said, there are some things I can do very well. I have very good intuition, am very good at playing instruments, learning languages (which helped me escape from my family), and noticing small emotional signs of others. I’m happy about it, because with this skill I can support who I love so much. Though I am still having tough time, I am thankful for having a new opportunity to make my life happier and make myself happier. And I thank you so much for sharing your story, because it made me feel that I am not alone and there is you who is caring for me (though we don’t know each other, it means A LOT to me) and saying that I’m not crazy or worse than others. It was my first time that I can entirely feel understood and accepted, and can feel a connection with someone. Thank you so so much. I send you a lot of love❤️ Therese

I was crying listening you, I always had adhd and impulsivity and 10500 things that will distract me from school and everything else and my parents was always ignored this and tell everybody i am normal and i am bright but at home, why you are so crazy...... I was compleltely lost my self-confidence and self-esteem around 12-16 ... which pushed me to more problems... now i am a mom of 3 kids where 2 has adhd, 1 add, and i support them with every single second because i know how hurtful it is when everyone is judging you . I love them and i will never do what my parents did to me and I went through so much name-calling, humiliation and even physical abuse...I am also still healing from my family expectations that i will become a successful and cheerful ... it never happend i changed 4 schools, started and not finished 3 colleges/unis and now at the age of 36 I am actually do it but in my term and learning psychology in order to be able to better deal with my ADHD kids and be a good mom who JUST accepts no matter what... - which i never had

I'm sorry for how you have suffered. You are such a beautiful person inside and out. I was diagnosed with ADD in my teens, and I remember taking the number test and the administrator being so surprised that I was finished and saying he'd only seen people "like Rain Man" score so highly. This was a few years before Asperger's became a popular diagnosis, so perhaps, a few years later, I might've received that diagnosis. Still, I can see that I've not struggled nearly to the degree you have, and you have my respect and admiration. I have a daughter who reminds me of you, and you've inspired me to be more compassionate and patient with her when I feel like she is being manipulative or rude or when I'm confused or annoyed by her differences. Thank you, and God bless you for sharing.

Your story made me very sad. I’m so sorry it was so difficult. I was recently diagnosed with Asperger’s. (Early 40s) Ironically, I saw a video on KZfaq and realized I related to all of it. I’ve always felt different and was picked on a lot. I thought my difference was from childhood trauma. I struggle with so much now especially after not having to mask during Covid. I question who I would be as well if I didn’t mask. The part where you said we see our strengths by choice was interesting. I’d never thought of that. I’m becoming much more aware of my difficulties and trying to make allowances for them instead of being hard on myself. Sending you virtual hugs.

You are so brave, this really touched me at a deep level! Thank you for baring your soul like this. My granddaughter is likely on the spectrum, and I am a little bit too. Your unretouched telling about how it was for you opened up another level of understanding.

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I'm sorry to hear that your parents were not supportive, and I hope you are able to surround yourself with supportive people now. I look forward to watching more helpful videos from you about minimalism and beyond.

This such a raw video. You deserve all the joy life has to offer; none of this is your fault. ❤

Hi Saga. Your video is good because it shows how you're figuring things out. My mother was a hoarder. I grew up not having a place to host friends. I'm 66 now. I have forgiven my parents. Parents are just real people with flaws, often not knowing the right things to do. It's hard to forgive them because of the cruel times I had, but I also had beautiful times with them. My parents loved each other. They weren't perfect but I think they were trying, in their own way, to do the right thing. They gave me the gift of life. Now, because of them, I can walk the Earth and experience the beauty of it all. For this one reason alone, we should forgive, move on, and respect our parents. You will be set free and be a better person.

Thanks for posting this. My older brother was autistic and despite being diagnosed in early childhood, he didn't had an easy life, he was extremely overweight throughout most of his life, he had very violent meltdowns, he would lash out on people and sometimes bang his head on the floor or wall, he got bullied at school a LOT, and at 13 he took his own life in which was a traumatic moment for me and my family, but according to my mom he didn't show any physical signs that he was suicidal but she looked up his browsing history and he was researching how to kill himself. I was 5 years old when that happened, but I don't blame him for this, my parents did their best to raise him and give him the best life and gotta remember he was diagnosed in the late 90s so there really wasn't much awareness as there is today and watching you're video brings me feelings of sadness but hopefulness and I'm glad you got through it all despite of what you went through. Have a great day.

Thank you Saga, for your courage and compassion. You have shared very personal, important experiences and aspects of your journey that can be a miracle for others struggling with the same challenges. You are a hero to me.

Saga Joanna, it's very brave to share it with people. I think you have done a huge amount of work at yourself: your English is perfect, you can express yourself very clear. It's definitely not your fault, and you tried your best. There are such things that we have to experience but can't help that. I'm agreed with you that children, as even adults, need a support and understanding. I had been struggling with similar thing, and I understood that our experience is our one of best friends. You aren't alone. Feel pleasured from life, be happy and take care

I think this is the most compelling and educational video I have ever seen on KZfaq. Thank you for making it. So glad to know you, even at a distance.

Thanks for sharing your story. Really important people share. Nothing wrong with you. Embrace your gifts and be with those who accept you 😀

just found this video. so sorry, you had to go through this. sounds a lot like my life and i wish that to nobody. it's just cruel. hope you are in a better place in your life now.

Thank you. I love you and your husband. I do not understand people. There is no way to judge anyone fairly, at least as far as I know. I just do not know enough about anyone to judge them. I do not even understand everything about myself, so why should I even be allowed to judge anyone else. I have never been to a therapist, but I think am "different". For example, I am not completely open to anyone, and even to the most closest to me, when I try to be open I feel like I am still putting a mask on myself. I am alone nearly all of the time. Even at school, when I am having conversations with others I feel like I am not there, only another person is. Luckily my parents do not care, they are just kind and try their best, although I know they sometimes just do not understand me. I am blessed. However, I do not even understand what this "different" means, I have no idea how other people their brains work, if they are anything like me, or I am an outsider. So, how can I be for sure I am different? What does this different even mean? Why would we even put people into groups? Is not everyone different and should we do our best to learn from others and try to let everybody understand themselves better? Why does anyone even judge anyone, how is that considered normal to some people? I am providing more questions than answers. I feel like the more I think about topics like this, the harder they become. Thank you for being so open and vulnerable, it is something we need more of. I sure need, Max

Thank you for sharing your story and experience. Both my kids have autism and it was alot to learn as a parent. But now I see it like a very positive. Sure it’s not easy for anyone that feels they are different when the whole society is built for people without diagnosis “normal” so you really have to fight for getting help in school. Now I live in Sweden and that’s not the best place to get help today.

You are very brave and have all my deep-felt sympathies. My brother just passed at 68 depressed, bipolar and with many more maladies all his life. I realized when he was 40 that he was autistic from an article I read. He saw many psychiatrists and psychologists since he was 17, but only got worse and never received an evaluation for autism. I later worked with autistic preschoolers for 10 years, which was some compensation. Many parents of autistic children are in denial. I completely enjoy your channel and benefit from it; you have my heartfelt sympathy. Good luck.

❤You are seen , heard and understood. You are a beautiful, intelligent, creative woman. I’m sorry you have suffered and experienced so much pain and sadness. Leave all the pain and suffering behind and go forward with your new life. God bless you. He loves you and cares for you. He made us all “ different “. You are free. You are very compassionate and tender hearted. I hope you find much love and have joy in your life.❤

So sorry to hear about your struggles. Looks like you are healing and moving forward in your life.👍❤️😍

I am always messing with the air conditioning or heat in the car as well. Also, I dont think you sound monotone when you speak. I've been told at times i sound that way as well. My mother has had mental health issues since she was 12 and is very self centered so i definitely understand you. I am so sorry your mother took her life. Suicide took the life of my paternal grandfather. On a positive note, i luv your hair. You remind me of a young Claudia Schiffer. We as Aspie females need to keep moving forward. Take it one day at a time. Blessings!

I'm so sorry...you shouldn't have had to go through all this on your own. I'm glad you met someone that is good to you. You are beautiful inside and out.

Wow I relate so much! My mom was always making fun of me for being different and making me feel like a loser but never attempted to actually help me seek therapy or anything. I never knew what was wrong with me. I had trouble making friends and the friends I did meet all turned on me. It wasn't until just recently that I discovered I am autistic which helped me so much to understand and accept myself. I still can't tell my family. I know they won't acknowledge it. But I can now forgive myself for my social failures in life. It's nice to see that there are other people like me. You are a beautiful person inside and out with an awesome perspective. I wish you the best. Also you have a very nice and soothing voice. :)

Brave girl! Brave telling all of this! Have no word how much it toutched!

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. The world has a lot to learn and I have learnt from you.

This is so important. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Thank you so much for doing this....I understand how brave you have to be to do this in front of the whole world...on a public platform...but it is people like you who take up such huge task...or I should say responsibility of bringing this to light are changing this world one step at a time...I send peace and love to you...thank you so much for being such brave person...

You have started your journey. Don't compare your timeline or progress to others. You are on your journey and do what is right for you. You are beautiful and intelligently created by a loving God. I'm seeing similarities between us that are leading me to look further into my previous depression/anxiety/adhd diagnosis along with my addictions. I feel I may have sensory issues if not more. Thank you for telling your story. None of this is your fault dear. You have an understanding and gentleness beyond your years. Your trauma and story are helping others. I also hope that your patience for "normal" people grows. There are good people who really do want to understand and help... love to you from Ohio in the U.S.

You are amazing and you explain your journey so very well. I am neurotypical but I work in a special school for autistic children and support lots of individuals in the wide range of the autistic spectrum. One of the most difficult challenges is for the parents who expect 'perfection' dealing with meltdowns and what is deemed anti social behaviour is challenging and does take a great deal of understanding by all parties . Neuro-diverse is starting to be more accepted in society we have more than two genders now and some of the children I work with often have confusion about themselves who they are, coping mechanisms to fit into the real world and change their gender ,change their own name weekly and even gender and titles. Autism in women was certainly unidentified until the last few years , it was deemed to be a male affliction only so great numbers of women like yourself are only just being better supported. I admit I have had a few relationships with women who clearly are on the spectrum and I have managed to support in some ways and acquire proper testing. It is not easy I can accept who they are but it is difficult for them to accept a neurotypical world. If I even as much talked to another woman even a shop attendant I was scorned and deemed to be inappropriate , which caused arguments and insecurity .So I admire you totally for explaining so well. As humans we need to accept differences , here in the UK employers are legally bound to make reasonable adjustments for neuro-diverse /dyslexic / dyscalculia in the workplace but rarely do i see this happen in practice . Each of us are different and individual and we must all learn to accept differences. I have learnt so much about myself and how i can communicate better by working with autistic / aspies and set up a self help group which was really helpful for many individuals .A worked with married couples who we able to explain well to help others accept how they are. It was a challenge to create a group as many individuals found it really difficult to be out of their own environment and with other people ....its not required in their world to be social or need other people. Even going to the cinema or music events where lots of people were around was over traumatic in their world. But the more we can share and learn the easier for young children it will be . to stop bullying and intimidation at an early age is essential and only by amazing people like yourself will the world we live in change . you are a true leader ......and so helpful to others .....celebrate our difference .....love and light x

thank you so much for sharing. very similar experiences. wonder how many have bad dreams almost every night about being constantly and harshly chastised despite trying your hardest in situations. went through a lot of traditionally 'big' traumas, but the criticism and never being listened to/believed are what haunt my dreams.

Thank you for bringing us to see the world from an autism lens. Your advocating for children with autism is admirable. Have you heard of the organization, Children’s Health Defense? It helps explain why some children suffer autism. We don’t always know what the other person has gone through or is struggling with, be it a hidden disability, a loss, or simply having a bad day. We are finite human beings, far from being perfect and often self-centered and unkind towards others, especially when the other person is different than us or simply inconvenience us. Yet, each one of us is asked to be kind and patient towards others, always think of others more important than ourselves. God knows our frame. May we draw strength from Him to do what is good. Thank you again for sharing. Your tears did not fall in vain.

This is so beautiful thank you for your authenticity

You are so courageous! Thank you for sharing. You are helping others and inspiring many people.

Thank you for sharing your story. Sending lots of love to you, Saga. ❤🌺❤

Bless you for sharing I have an autistic child in my life and I always seek to learn anyway to help him be happy and treated with kindness and respect. You are a very strong woman

I’m late to your channel but I’m catching up and enjoying your videos. This one really touched me. Everyone, especially girls never believe we are enough. So sorry you didn’t have the support you needed. You are beautiful and so sweet! Thanks for sharing❤

"To thine own self be true ..." Very powerful sharing. Thank you for helping us understand so we can do and be better.

Thank you so much for sharing your story! This opens my mind to my son's differences. I can't thank you enough! You are a wonderful person, be yourself.

Thanks for sharing your story, I hope you continue healing and thriving you are an amazing person to this world. Thanks for helping others. And make the difference in this world.

You are the sweetest person, and i love all of your videos, but this is my favorite. So proud of you and all that you've overcome so far and will continue to overcome in the future as you heal. Hugs and love to you!

There are no words I can find other than thank you for sharing something so personal.

I was diagnosed with ASperger Syndrome as an adult, i felt relief because put into a context many of my life, it was a hard journey, it was akward most of the time, but i survived, still i have issues with my social skills, but i can handle it, steg till steg, the same with frustration feelings, i can communicate without any problem, i am good at sports, i develop many intelectual skills , have a good job and a plenty life to live , Autism is a condition not a disease, many of us have a lot of positive characteristics asociated with this condition, i feel myself special, strong and it is good, we can handle it, so my best wishes with you and thank you for share this personal issue to educate and put into discussion this important issue.

It is so brave and sweet of you to tell us about your challenges. I'm so sorry your family didn't understand. Or help you find a path for yourself. My entire family has many mental health issues often leading to alcoholism or substance abuse. I'm happy that wasn't your path and that you're letting people know what's it's like to be you. Thank you for sharing yourself, and please know you are very special and someone worth knowing and understanding.

Thank you for your beautiful and vulnerable story. It has broadened my understanding and I feal less fear and more hope in my possibility to help and be there for my children.

Thank you so much for sharing this. Your words are so authentic and raw and really resonated with me. Last night I wrote this huge paragraph comment and then my internet crapped out so it never posted, but I wanted to try again. I have not been diagnosed with asd yet but at 41 have been assessed for adhd. It's very obvious to me that I have both - but I'm afraid to get an autism diagnosis for a few reasons. First of all, many medical professionals tend to have this mindset that autism is mainly a thing that affects males and tend to get diagnosed when they are young. I feel like I wouldn't be believed or validated. I know very well what I struggle with, but I'm afraid that I'm not 'autistic enough' to get a diagnosis. Plus at this point I'm not sure it would change anything. I've had sensory issues my whole life, always felt like an outsider, need lots of alone time, prefer time with nature or animals than with people, rarely felt confident or competent, had lots of anxiety and some depressive episodes, etc. I can't list it all. But I also felt trapped as a kid. My parents were not as compassionate as I would have liked. They were rather horrible in their own separate ways. I've done a ton of research and there was something that kinda blew my mind - autism has a very strong genetic component. It's very possible that one of our parents had asd without knowing it, so they were perhaps unaware of their impact on us. If I hadn't done a deep dive into content and information about the subject, I wouldn't have the knowledge and understanding I have now. What a lot of people don't know is that autism isn't just melt downs or things you can see - there's a huge internal struggle that no one sees. And we can get very good at masking it. Whether or not I get assessed for asd, I intend to fight the good fight to bring understanding to others. I feel a part of this community and I want there to be more compassion and less 'othering', less focus on words like disorder or deficits, more acceptance. We're all just humans trying to exist in the world.

I noticed you feel relieved looking back at the time you didn't know what's going on with all pressures and expectations of life still being on your shoulders. Glad you found what's going on and started improving your life. You're only 27, there's many times more than that waiting for you, and remember only a few of these years you started to form the life you are happy to live. Yes it s*cks to think of what could have been, but we all know we can only learn from the past, the present and the future are only what we can care about. I am 27 as well, like you was different from the rest but with different patterns of brain activity and environment. I always had desire to be in control of my thinking and actions, to be normal(there's was a school friend whom I envied and half-joked about how perfectly normal he is). I never visited a psychologist since I'm in eastern Europe, don't know if I have autism but your story reminded of my struggles. In search of control and normality after school I started reading philosophy, psychology and Buddhism. I cried when I thought i discovered psychological descriptions that fit me, but for some reason I did not stuck and researched them better. Instead I pursued Buddhism. After years I feel like I'm more in control and know what's going on in my mind, not sure where it will get me, but I'm going to continue. Modern psychology is useful as well, practically it reminds a lot Buddhist methods. I agree with you, our society is not perfect, yet there's a reason for that. It helps me to think that we are just animals born with certain evolutionary characteristics and environment, as humanity we had to navigate all of that and come to the current world, which is far from perfect but a lot better than in the past. It's still a long way to go, but the outcome is solely dependant on us. I wish to see people to be kind to each other on fundamental humanistic level, not expectations and norms which never fit everybody. Your comment was in the top of a "her 86m2", I clicked on your channel and found an interesting video, and today this open touching self-expression. It seems sometimes most amazing things happen accidentally.

Thank you SO much for sharing your story. You are a wonderful person.

You are such a beautiful person and im so sorry all this has happened to you, hugs and love to you ❤

Wow, I just fell in love with your van and started following you and now I see this video as I am going through my own autism diagnosis! What a cool coincidence! I really appreciate you sharing your story - thank you

You are so beautiful inside and out. You deserve all the happiness of the world. Thank you for your vulnerability ❤

I thank God so much that I found your video about autism! It is a lifesaver! Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing your life! This is so helpful!

Thank you for being vulnerable and telling us all your truth!!!....

Thank you so much for sharing your painful journey. I think you are a bright light in the world and that many people have benefited already from your willingness to share. Namaste ❤️

Thank you for sharing your experiences. I'm sorry you had to go through that as a child and continue to have strained family relationships, I know how you feel. ❤

Thanks for sharing! You are not alone in this. The more we are brave to tell our story the more education and healing we can do. ;)

Oh my heart 😢. I have so many words to say - but all I can do is give you a warm hug. Sending you love! 💗

Thanks Saga, thanks so much for your sharing! I really really appreciate your words that are really really meaning to me!

You are a very courageous person to share your struggles. I am glad you have been able to take care of yourself and learn who you are and what you need to be well. Your different is fine, stay true to yourself and take care of yourself. Keep building your life,day by Day, functioning your way. I've learned from you and will try to be sensitive to people around me that are what you describe as Neuro diverse .

So honest and vulnerable thank you sincerely. I have two grandchildren who are showing signs of autism and this has helped me see them so clearly and I love them for their difference. Thank you for sharing you are changing the world 🙏❤️❤️❤️❤️

You are simply AMAZING. I've watched your other videos first and you are always calm, sweet, reasonable, understanding and warm. Not only that, you are smart, capable and insightful. I would never have guessed in a million years that you've suffered through so many mental issues. Thanks for sharing everything. You've done a fantastic job with yourself and you should be very, very proud of that ❤❤❤

You are a very brave young woman for sharing this journey in your life so openly and honestly, and I'm sorry you were so alone. Sending Love, Light and Hope for Awareness 💗

I am very grateful to have stumbled upon your channel. I can’t fully articulate how much I appreciate you and your honesty about the challenges of being on the autism spectrum. I very much like the insights into Swedish language, culture, and history. The Scandinavian countries are examples of how nations and their governments can actually be good for their people. Thank you❤

Oh I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. You're an inspiration and a wonderful human being and I bow to your bravery in talking about this so openly. 😢

Wow. This was so eye opening. Thank you for sharing, I know it could not of been easy. I give you so much credit for opening up about something that is so personal. I look forward to hearing more about you and your interesting life.

Thank you for taking the time to share your life with us. My grandson is showing signs of being on the spectrum, and my husband and I are trying to learn as much as we can to help him. Thank you for speaking for our 3 year old grandson. Best wishes to you and your life journey.

Hello johanna I have recently found your site. I have recently at the age of 54 been diagnosed with autism, both my sons have autism, 15 yrs ago my youngest when he was 10 was diagnosed and i remember thinking that it sounded so much like me, but when i mentioned it to my family they all said i was trying to make it all about me and I needed to concentrate on him, of which i agreed. Then a couple of years ago my eldest son was diagnosed aged 30, he and I are so alike that i never thought he was autistic so this year without telling anyone until i really had to i started my journey. Listening to you reminded me of how much I struggled as a child and always being in trouble and so unhappy. Thank you for talking about this. I find being a minimalist so so much easier in my life and so calming. Big thank you 😊 🙏

Im sorry but also thank you, for going through this and sharing so us parents with autistic kids dont hurt them the way you have been hurt. You're absolutely beautiful and perfect, be blessed

Hi, thank you for sharing your story. I'm a level 2 autistic adult, and I'm still struggling for legal recognition. Mental health has a poor consideration in my country. I can relate, especially when you said: "life is a prison". For neurotypical people I'm a retarded but I'm not enough to receive the help I need. I just found your channel but I think I'll binge-watch it. I'm autistic, vegan, minimalist and my dream is to live in a van. I apologize for my poor English.

Ah, now i know why you popped up in the algorithm. You are an asparagus too! Thank you for sharing your story with us, i understand how difficult growing up with autism can be. You really have a good understanding about your skills and where you are situated in society. You grew up in a world you didn't understand and that didn't understand you and wasn't available to you. Wich is at least traumatizing! Most of us wonder what we could have been if we had been recognized and acknowledged, i am 39 and i am still angry at my family and surroundings at moments for not being there when i only needed to be understood. You are a beatiful person, your autism is a superpower! You are awakened, look at where you are, travelling the planet, in your own kind of way! Living a non-comforming lifestyle! You being you is the most important thing you can do! You sharing this really is important too, and you are definitely not alone in your experiences, feelings, and emotions. I am very grateful you shared this, this means a lot, and i wish you the best of luck, a lot of fulfillment, and happines and coming to peace with your past. You are an example for the rest of us!

I’ve been binging ur videos and I love ur content and omg yes the part about the aspie girl memes is sooo me!!! I’m going for my autism evaluation next month. But I can relate so much to you. Both my parents are severe alcoholics/drug users/bi polar but you are so strong and brave. Also Me and my 2 neurodivergent kids have a saying you might like… “You are beautiful and unique just the way God made you💜”

After watching this all I want to do is send you Love and more Love. I believe we are all Brothers and Sisters and we are here to help each other figure out the "Puzzle" of life. You are very special and you are helping all of us understand our own lives as well as your own. Love is the answer to all questions. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

Thank you for sharing this! You have come such a long way! Great on you. I experienced many of the things you have felt and experienced. I dropped out of high school here in Australia and was a social hermit (shut in) for 2 years during my teenage years. Have always felt different and never felt like I belonged anywhere, except to specific individuals. I thought it was just my depression and anxiety and me acting out, after I got in trouble with the bad kids at school (trouble with the law). Have always had behavioural issues such as being a trouble making kid and being blunt/ rude even to teachers - and one teacher wanted my parents to refer me to a psychologist. I displayed ADHD like characteristics back when i was a kid but never thought I was on the spectrum until lately. Well done on ur journey! You are living independently which I have never done, especially since I am from an Asian family living in Australia. Am close with my family and I am very high functioning (have work experience, a degree, car license, recently got fired from my first office job since i dint know the social protocols and had sensory issue and i became absent a few times), I still struggle with being socially withdrawn. And when i face major disappointments in life, I keep thinking I want to revert back to social reclusiveness (Japanese term: hikkikomori) and be done with society. But am not willing to do since both you and I don't give up so easily Sounds like you had a great childhood but everything went downhill from there. I've always had thoughts of living in a farm with animals (cows, sheeps, dogs) or like rice/tea paddies would be peaceful Thank you for sharing your story, I hope you will have a wonderful life from now ❤️

Thank you for sharing your vulnerability. Much love to you ❤️ I am not autistic, but I experienced anxiety and depression when I was only 10, after the death of my father. And I felt like I was alone and my family in denial that I needed help. Sometimes, our families' efforts to protect us have actually a reverse effect. I watch your videos and you are incredibly bright and beautiful lady, a beautiful soul who deserved healing, love and happiness and I am happy to watch you flourishing and spreading kindness, the world needs you ❤️

I'm so sorry that you went thru that. :( *big hug for you love*

I'm more and more charmed by you and your story, you're a true example of overcoming and persistence, I fell on your parade channel but I'm already a huge fan of you

Thank you for sharing your intimate story. You are extremely caring and kind. I think as a teacher and as a human, I have learned from you. We can all do better to be kind and helpful to others. Autism is so real and quite a journey. Relationships for all are hard, but without social learning, social awareness, they are even harder. You are worthy and you are a gift. This is only the second youtube of yours I have watched. Please know that I will share this with others. Thank you.

You deserve so much credit by sharing your story. I am 100% behind you and your struggles. Keep up the good work for you and everyone else who suffers from "not being the norm".

Hello Johanna, it's a pleasure to meet you. I come here to share that I've been there and I'm passing trough a simillar experience at the moment, it makes me total sad to see that our parents generation is full of stress and dosen't leave them understand to us being neurodivergents. But, out of this, this kind of content makes me have hope in that everything can be solved, since passing trough depression at the moment for me is getting harder and harder every eahc day... This gives me a calm time of reflection where I can be myself and learn to deal with all this strigles of life while I indepidence myself. I totally thank you for being open and sharing that we are not alone in this process of healing, it makes it feel more natural. I wish you all a great time.

Thanks for sharing & being authentic about your experience. Each voice matters & makes a difference.

Beautifully and honestly expressed. I have always tried to be kind and understanding with neuro divergent people, but I will try harder.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I see myself so much in many things you say... you speak about things I totally understand and have lived myself... I thought I was the only one, but I can see we're very similar! I rarely get that feeling.. I even see something of myself in the way you talk your mannerisms... I was diagnosed with autism too, recently. I totally understand those struggles... It's hard to explained them to others, I think you've done a great job.