"If anyone thinks you're too much, then they can go find less." 👏👏👏👏

ngl, I used to STRIVE to be this "cool girl" cos I thought more people would be friends with me and I wanted to fit in. Turns out, many years later, just being myself was enough after all!!

"Even pretending you aren’t catering to male fantasies is a male fantasy: pretending you’re unseen, pretending you have a life of your own, that you can wash your feet and comb your hair unconscious of the ever-present watcher peering through the keyhole, peering through the keyhole in your own head, if nowhere else. You are a woman with a man inside watching a woman. You are your own voyeur." - Margaret Atwood

“Morph into what society wants you to be” was literally what my parents told me to do in order to survive in the world. Interesting how these concepts play out beyond relationships.

When influencers are actually GOOD influences! There goes Anna again, *helping me raise my child right!* I showed this to my daughter. She laughed and she got the message. I'm sure I speak for many parents when I say thank you, Anna, for being a great influence. You may not be the cool girl trope, but you are the cool internet aunt, which is an enormous upgrade.

I love how this doesn't hate on pick-me girls (because that is still just putting down other women) but actually teaches us all how to recognize red flags within ourselves

What we need to be is a compassionate, decent, person, who is also assertive about our own boundaries. At the the end of the day, that’s all we need to be.

Anna: "I used to be a cool girl, until I took a therapy to the brain"

“Don’t be the cool girl who doesn’t mind, hot girls set boundaries”

I was a cool girl for my first relationship. Pretending I didn't like romantic things because they were cheesy, pretending it didn't bother me we hung out with his guy friends all the time and never my friends, pretending it didn't bother me when he checked out other girls in front of me. It's only when I spent the summer away and actually realized how much of a person I was without him that I realized what I had been doing which is of course when he fell out of love and dumped me.

"If anyone ever thinks you're too much? They can go and find less" 💯💯💯 preach

Honestly you‘re only a cool girl to me if you can set boundaries and tell People when they are frustrating you. THAT‘S cool!

The kitty is like, "mom, mom, MOM! Pay attention to MEEEEE!" :) I think we've all morphed to some degree at some point in relationships. Good reminder!

"love is a very tall order, but self-love, oof. You know, sometimes it feels way easier to just gut yourself and renovate your insides according to someone else's blueprint rather than slowly but surely building a foundation." WHEW this was a word

I grew up watching so many "cool " girls around me, and always felt inferior. Always questioned why i wasn't like them. Tried to be like them and failed so many times. I am so happy that these kinds of false personas are being busted by pop psychology and mainly you, Anna.

This is also called people-pleasing, fawning, codependency, placating, and probably a whole host of other terms I'm not aware of, and is a big indicator of childhood trauma & doesn't just apply to how you behave around partners (although I get that this video's spotlighting that for a reason). I do this for people I depend on for survival - bosses, landlords, partners, friends who are letting me crash on their couch - and it's a whole other ball game when it's for survival because to not be a chameleon and state your needs feels like you're literally going to die or be homeless, and that might actually be truth in some cases.

As Gone Girl showed, too, once your over thirty, it doesn't matter how much you molded yourself into the woman he wanted you to be - you're gonna get replaced anyway.

The little paws reaching out to you is just too cute 🐾

I let the cool girl die half a year ago. I wanted to be myself. Standing up for myself instead of "bending to be loved" is such a level up

I was the "cool girl" with one of my exes and he ended up cheating on me with 2 other women, so yeah, stay true to yourself 🖤🖤🖤

"And if anyone thinks you are too much, then they can go find less" holy sh- I'll pin this phrase to my journal. Thank you Anna

“If someone thinks you’re too much, they can go find less” 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 I laughed out loud AND it was exactly what I needed to hear, thank you Anna!

“You are enough. And if anyone thinks you’re too much, they can go find less.” -Anna Akana

I think _everyone_ has done this at least once in their life… very insightful, Anna. 👍

Thank you for expanding on the cool girl type and touching on internalized misogyny, and pick-me

The only cool girl trap I fell into was suppressing my negative reactions to being treated poorly. I would only raise an issue if it was a dealbreaker and I was willing to lose the friendship or relationship over it. I guess I never trusted that anyone cared about me enough to fight about something and still stay in my life. No idea where that fear of abandonment came from. I am trying to work on this. And it’s absolutely terrifying. If I express boundaries and negative reactions to people’s treatment of me, it makes me feel sick to my stomach and ruins my entire day/days.

"if anyone thinks you're too much, they can go find less" AMENNN

I completely agree with this. If you don’t build your relationship on a foundation of honesty it’s not going to be fulfilling. At the end of Grease, Danny also did a “cool girl” for Sandy and the musical didn’t delve into those issues at all.

My definition of cool is not caring what people think and following your heart ❤️

I used to suffer from trying to be a cool girl, sometimes I still catch myself people pleasing. I think it was honestly because I had a toxic childhood. Some people probably do this to try and make sure they won't be abandoned.

the cool girl scene in gone girl will forever be my favorite movie monologue

I’m absolutely loving your series of mental health skits/perspectives. Super helpful to finding insights.

You just did far more for me than years of therapy ever has.

i still laugh at my younger “cool girl” self cause i listened to bands my high school crush covered on youtube cause i thought he would notice me or we’d have some sort of deeper connection because of it, but i ended up genuinely liking the music i discovered past those bands lol

I've read Gone girl about 16 times and at this point can recite the cool girl speech by heart ❤️

I love the choose your character visualization of the different cool girls 🤣

Always helps. I repeat, "always helps" Thanks Anna.

I love that you're doing this vlog with your kitty, it's important to let people see we have families and we love them.

This reminds of a movie called Ruby Sparks where a writer accidentally creates the girl of his dreams out of thin air and realizes he didn't want someone he can manipulate and twist at every turn.

“If anyone thinks you’re too much they can go find less” 🔥🔥🔥

It’s really about allowing yourself to be interested in the things that interest you, and allowing people see that instead of some facade you’ve made up. Be careful not to craft up an image opposite to what you think people want because you don’t want to fit into the mold, either. Stop worrying about the mold altogether and allow yourself to be passionate about things you want to be passionate about.

I am the kind of girl who always says to her boyfriend that everything is fine and he shouldn't worry and then bottles everything up until it's too much. Luckily in my last relationship my ex boyfriend saw through it and found it annoying so he made me talk and tell him when things weren't actually fine for me, it was definitely beneficial for our relationship and I hope I'll be able to continue doing it in my next relationship

Someone that want you to be something you're not is always going to be unhappy with your performance

After YEARS of being that cool girl according to the crush I had for the moment(meaning my so-called 'self' has changed a lot), now I have become a thin, vague concept of a person-- I don't know what I like, I dont't know what my characters are. I CAN like everything, I CAN live with anything, I CAN feel 'alright' with all. That added 'can' is a scar mark I have from those cool girl eras. Thankfully now I'm with a great partner who always encourages me to be who I am, but man, retracing my life of being a cool girl and trying to grasp who I really was/am, that's a tough process especialy if you've gone through it for a long time. I root for all individuals trying to go through this discovery/rectifying phase. Finding out the true me is pretty much a letdown in all parts, but who will embrace me if not me?

I love how your cat's just getting his daily dose of cuddles as you're talking, he reminds me of my cat and it made me laugh.

Long before my wife and I started dating I found that I was very much like this, and worked on being open and honest with myself and others. She fell in love with that side of me and now we've been married over 5 years. It's not always easy, but we both know we can be who we really are and if something needs to change for her or my self care we can work on it together :)

Cool Cat wants to know, "What do I have to do to get Anna's undivided attention!?!""

Getting called out by anna rn I used to be a cool girl who never got pissed at anything my ex did. I always accepted everything even if it bugged me. Now, am with a new guy The other day I got annoyed at him at something which was actually out of his control and honestly although I was being unreasonable... it felt really good after I voiced my feelings without pretending I felt like I could truly be myself show me flaws and work on them as well. He's super patient with me n I feel so ficking lucky to be with him.

Again, there's a song by 'Dodie' called 'Cool Girl'. Describes the phenomenon perfectly but in music-edition. 😎🎶👌🏻

I used to strive to be the "cool girl" because I really thought that's what I needed to be to be loved or that is what you are supposed to act on a date, but after many love disappointments I went to a date not expecting anything and sick and tired of this act and decided to be fully myself (I didnt had any more energy to give a f**k) expecting it to fail miserably. Surprisingly the date went really well, and few years after we got married.

I'm not interested in romantic relationships but I realise I have this tendency with friendships, which are very valuable to me. So I appreciate this

I love the kitty reaching up with the paddy paw. Like "Yes mommy. U's enough. Keep scratches pwees."

I am obsessed with the montages of this room everytime!! I wish I had your room it’s so cute 🥰

thank you for taking the time and putting subtitles in your videos. As a hard of hearing person, i extremely appreciate it ❤

The Psyche Queen as blessed us with more physiological entertainment. 🙏🏾

Ugh, I used to this, but I didn't realize I was doing it. I just got the message that being more like a dude was "better" than my feminine self. So glad I discovered different.

Just wanted to stop by and say that your work with these videos is so important and it really helped me understanding some things

I've always been this girl and yk the worst part about being it is when they leave and you find out on your bathroom floor that not did they leave but YOU also aren't their anymore.

Omg this is describing me down to the T and that no matter how hard I try, my ex boyfriends still left me. Really learnt it the hard way that if you want to find someone who truly loves you, you just gotta be yourself and have personality bc people these days have no personality 🤯

that's the greatest message, stop cancelling yourselves over others desires and needs - including parents and friends, not just lovers.

“If anyone thinks you’re too much, then they can go find less.” Thank you Anna, for this gem.

Changing yourself for anyone doesn't work, it will just make you unhappy in the end. It is better to find out who you are, that way you will be able to find someone who is better suited to you.

I tried so hard to be the "cool girl" when I was a teenager and early 20s and it so didn't work. It brought me so much pain that could have just been avoided.

I appreciate you not specifying that this is romantic - it happens in friendships too! “If they think you’re too much, they can go find less.”

Thank you for your time and effort and advice. You're so inspiring! Thank you for discovering yourself and helping others along the way. Much love 💜✌ I hope you're having a wonderful day

“Will be different, I’ll be quiet, oh so easy”

I've definitely done variants of this. As a teenager, I found myself getting along with white girls better than white boys (also just around more of the former due to my school population) and ended up trying to conform to what I thought they'd prefer in a guy friend in various ways. When I hit 30, I decided my life at the time wasn't cutting it for finding a partner and started trying activities that would put me in more contact with women. I didn't stick with anything I didn't genuinely enjoy (dropped yoga, kept doing cooking classes even after I surpassed the level they catered to, stuck with ballroom dancing for 8 years and then transitioned to swing dancing) but I ended up leaving little room to explore activities I wanted to explore but that were predominantly male. I only corrected that into something more balanced in 2019 after a string of rejections when I picked up full contact martial arts and then started weight lifting earlier this year. Still single but definitely happier

I am only learning to be myself, after years of combatting rejection. I realized life is simple and it’s me making it difficult for myself. So, yes. I am no longer ‘cool’. I am putting myself first.

We mentioned this a lot when it comes to romantic partners but I think this is also applicable to friends/friend groups too where you're trying to impress others by changing yourself to "fit in"

This one hit home. Thank you, Anna!

That last minute was BRUTAL

Questioning whether my people pleasing tendencies makes me a “cool girl” I really don’t feel cool tho just silly and goofy ☹️😂

The dunun-dun "ok cut" 😂😂

This was me in my first relationship in college... Never again, I have had enough of suppressing myself 👏

i just noticed anna posts when I am on my way to the gym, oooh thats gonna be a nice habit for me

The cool girl man needs to be acknowledged more too Ty for bringing him up

I was very lonely when I was more myself not caring about being what others deemed cool. I think there is a balance to be achieved; we are not all perfect, have issues, and some of us can actually be too much at times. But it's good to realize factors such as what you mentioned as well because some ideas about the "cool girl/woman" can be very unhealthy.

I used to be homeschooled, so when I finally got to be around people I would do whatever I could to be accepted and make friends. I still have that as a lingering effect. I was a cool girl and I’m working to overcome that

Man, am I the only one who wished the camera was pulled back a bit so we could see the more the luxuriating kitty...?

Looking at Anna is so comfortable like she's always there for you.. So calm and wise

Omg that last line really spoke to me... I have been told I am "too much" so much all the time... I'm now gonna respond "okay - go find less"

You are the best! I feel so much calmer every time I watch your videos!

I'm sorry, but, the intro with the cats and classical music was enough for me to subscribe. The content is great. And I'll rewatch it once I'm done laughing at those crochet hats!! 🤣🤣

I really like the background, VFX and overall ambience of her videos

I love how beetle was like "MOM LOVVVVEEEE MEEEEEEE!" I also resonated with what anna was saying in hiding myself because I want to be liked and not sticking to my personal boundries. And also..kitty.I love her kitty.

Dodie Clark's song "Cool girl" describes exactly this and what it feels like to try become one

that kitty's love is all we should strive fuuur

Honestly I really needed to hear this, thank you

„And if anyone thinks you‘re too much, then they can go and find less“ - so simple yet so truuuue why have I never heard of that before

When I'm challenged to meet others expectations, I often try to be the person they want. It teaches me new skills. I'm not saying it's sustainable, just useful to growth.

Really needed a boost in my self esteem. Thank you 🙏 😊

I totally get this. Also I really loved the “if anyone thinks you’re too much, then they can go find less”

Thank you.

I dont know how but you just end up being my therapist like always and forever. i wish I could just find a person like you to talk to. You are like so much of me but a mature one. i learn so much from you.

Nice closing line

It makes me happy that you have realized this about yourself and have grown out of it.

There are soooo many therapists out there are FREE you qualify especially if you are in college or attending university and with covid the majority of therapists are equipped for telehealth and online counseling to make it more comfortable and safe for you. Better help has had a lot of controversy in the past about offering questionable care and I just wanted to remind people that finding someone in your area might be a better option and offer more longevity. I just wanted to point this out for anyone thinking about better help. I have a lovely therapist who I’m so grateful for and would not be able to afford without insurance which I know is hard to obtain. I believe that you can find good people to talk to and remember that medication and self love are practices that catalyze the process and keep it going for a long time. You’ve got this! You are wonderful and I believe in you and I’m sure Anna and everyone else does too! ❤️

This is the first time that I've heard this term, but with my ex-wife I always had to be what I called "Mr. Cool." No matter what nonsense she pulled, I always had to be chill to get by. The problem with people like that is that you'll never, ever become what they really want, because what they want is to criticize, judge, and blame others for their problems. p.s. That cat has some aggressive love for you. It's adorable.

Oh the “if anyone thinks you’re too much, they can find less” really resonated

“If they think you’re too much, they can go find less” Damn Straight! Putting this on my mirror. My mother constantly told me I was too much. Never mind everyone else’s demands of me were too much for me to meet!!